Saturday, May 31, 2014

May 29, 2014
Joy-Ann Reid
The Miami Herald
3511 NW 91st Street
Miami, FL 33172

RE: Don’t forget your umbrella – some comments on your column in today’s Miami Herald on how the Republicans will drown us all.

Ms. Reid

My major premise is that you are dumb.

It is a dumbness of biblical proportions. It is one of immense proportions not seen since Ptolemy – Ptolemy? Whodat? He didn’t have 97% of the consensus, he had 100%. Thank God for Google – who was the top dog in Astronomy.

Alas, there is no cure for it. It’s what makes my task easier. I have a larger audience than a typical non-thinking modern American Liberal ink stained wench,

Let us assume that Governor Scott, in concert with the evil Koch Brothers and egged on by Tea Party knuckle dragging “bitter clingers”, really wants to see the coastline of Florida move 20 miles inland. [If that were to happen it would solve the problems of affordable housing and low test scores in inner cities, wouldn’t it? It would free up money for 4th and 5th trimester abortions on women of color, wouldn’t it?]

What can be done to stop this ecological lout from flooding the inland swamp, AKA the Everglades?

Nothing – repeat – nothing.

Imagine, if you are able, that Florida turns off all, each and every one, of its air conditioners.

Imagine, if you are able, that Florida bans the importation, transportation, and use of all petroleum products, gasoline, both unleaded and premium, being the main target.

A good start, right?

Wrong, you boob.

For every step backward, for every step backward trying to undo Western Civilization, for every step backward to deny our children the blessings of liberty a strange thing, an astonishing thing, will happen.




The Chinese, followed closely by the Indians, will plug the breach.

[That’s a back-handed Shakespeare reference. Henry the Fifth and Harfleur. I do that to flash my elitist status as a legatee of Western Civilization and a fierce defender of the Scientific Method and its aegis, reasoned discourse.]

Every 4 days the Chinese build a coal burning power plant. 7 each month. Their short term goal is to build 100 a year. This country hasn’t built one since 1978.

Duty demands that I tell you that Tom Steyer, the good hedge fund billionaire, the dude who will spend $100,000,000 to fight the Keystone Pipeline, sells really dirty, high sulfur Indonesian coal to China. And who says irony is dead? Chrysler, the subject of a $10,000,000,000 – that’s ten billions of dollars – bailout from the taxpayers of this country is now owned by Fiat, an Italian company. Can you believe that they are going to make Jeeps in China? The plants will be powered by electricity generated by, honest to God and I cannot make this up, coal powered power plants. Life sure takes some strange twists, doesn’t it? Gaia, your personal Goddess, is still trying to figure that one out.

Wait until the Indians – not the ones with the casinos and the on-line alligator wrestling school but the ones that Kipling, the quintessential DWEM, praised in the highest terms – start to play high sulfur, carbon belching, CO2 vomiting catch up ball.

Ohmadahns, dolts like you – supported by 97% of the 97% who told us in 1969 that we would either starve to death or freeze to death by the year 2000, people who once thought that tomatoes were poisonous – should be scratching their heads, assuming that they can tell the difference between their heads and their asses. Here’s a plan. Scratch both. Now switch. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Isn’t it passing strange that former Vice President Alpha Gump gave us 5 years to live six years ago? Nobody asks why there are more horses’ asses than there are horses’ heads. Shouldn’t the number be in balance?

97%? That’s a pretty good number for a Calculus course. It ain’t so good if you’re a jet pilot.

Ptolemy’s consensus wasn’t 97%. It was 102% and he had it for 15 centuries.








Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler, Newton ambled in and the old consensus was gone as if it had never happened.

All science is settled until it becomes unsettled. If it didn’t we could shut down all the laboratories, couldn’t we?

Didn’t Obama tell us that the earth would cool and the oceans would recede? What the Hell happened there? Did Bush do him in again?

Other than you holding your breath and counting slowly, very slowly to 7,361 what are we supposed to do?

What if we all give up plastic?

That will undrown all those polar bears, won’t it?

Let me quote the great Dr. Johnson – Samuel, not Lyndon.

“Such stupidity is not found in nature.



Kevin Smith


PS – A sad addendum – Listen to General MacArthur’s last speech to the cadets at West Point. Sandwiched as it was between Kennedy’s Inaugural and King’s “I have a dream” speech it is sometimes overlooked. It brought tears to the eyes of those who heard it and 2500 cadets to their feet cheering it. Yesterday, the President of the United States girded his loins and those of the people he commands and sent them into battle against…against…rainy springs, dry summers, and cold winters. No one will ever confuse him with Leonidas or Horatius or Travis. Is there no end to the modern American Liberal nit-wit dummies we must endure? His biggest cheer was when the audience was sure he stopped talking. He has 2 and ½ years to go. He is starting to make Carter, hands down the worst President of the 20th century, look good. Is it time to bring Solyndra back? The big oil companies drove them out of business, didn’t they? If we could just take the profit motive out of business things would really be good, wouldn’t they? You are so God Damn dumb you make my hair hurt.

Monday, May 26, 2014

May 25, 2014
Big Stein
The Sun Sentinel

RE: The VA and what’s to be done – Some comments on the du jour outrage in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel

Big guy,

Everybody, and I even include modern American Liberals whose spectrum ranges from untersublime to uberridiculous, begins with a major premise.

Mine is simple.

It is based on a consensus of scientists, a consensus that is so strong that’s its underlying science is now “settled” and, as such, is undebatable.

In my lifetime, up until 1980, the United States government did 2 things superbly well.

#1 – Fighting World War 2
#2 – Being the GC on the Moon shot

The 3rd great thing happened in 1980.

The Great Reagan was elected. [I must add that the only good thing that Carter, the worst President in the 20th century, did was to make it easy for Reagan to win.] He restored and burnished American exceptionalism and then he beat the Russkies, the Czars of the Evil Empire, without firing a shot.

It is time, it is indeed past time, for Ron to be on Rushmore.

Having said that, it becomes easier to put the boot to the major premise of your column on the less than sterling characteristics of the VA.

Does the VA have dedicated professionals on its staff? Of course.

Do they care deeply about their patients? Of course.






Are there bureaucratic slugs perpetuating a pestilential paralysis there? Of course.

Here’s why “yelling”, as the title of your column recommends, ain’t gonna work.

Are you ready? Hold on tight. It is something that leads to an epidemic of apoplexy in modern American Liberals. [Since my pal Professor Stevie Goldstein has been exiled to the adult sleepaway camp at the secret isle of Utopia for sensitivity retraining you are now my favorite mAL. Wear your well-earned laurel proudly. You got it the old fashioned way. You earned it. No Affirmative Action here.]

Punish failure
Reward success

Life never ends in a scoreless tie. Self-esteem never made the dog hunt.

It may be too late for public executions or even floggings at the VA facility of your choice. How about a first floor defenestration? If you have to come back again move to the 3rd floor. The next time is from the roof. It will “encourage the others”.

We have been fighting poverty, I daresay unsuccessfully, for 50 years. That’s have a century. It’s time to look at the scoreboard. The measurable criteria from 50 years ago have, if anything, gone down. Unless you believe that the only way to make the poor rich is to make the rich poorer it is as absolute as failure of public policy as has ever been seen. Prohibition, that “noble experiment”, only lasted 15 years.

Coach Duffy Daugherty said it’s always good luck to be ahead at the end of the game. You would think it would be a universal truism. It’s not.

The same mindset that sends troops over the top into the machine guns of the unforgiving marketplace while “fighting” poverty is the same one that says since our intention – helping veterans – is good the results are irrelevant.

If a physician in Broward county makes a mistake there are consequences. In the real world, the world where “stones are hard and water is wet”, debits and credits are always equal. The head of Target is now unemployed, not because of something he did, but because of something that happened when he was in charge. Fair or unfair, it don’t make no never mind. It’s the way the world works. You can’t fire the team; you can and do fire the coach.

The exception is the VA.



Veterans are dying, not necessarily because of medical errors, but because Form A was transposed with Form B and there was no incentive to untranspose them.

Writ large the problem with the VA is what reasonable men can expect from ObamaCare. If the first 2,380 votes to repeal it haven’t work there’s always time for 2,381 or 2,382 or 2,383. In between votes to rid the body politic of this metastasizing cancer maybe the House should look into Benghazi. God gave Mrs. Clinton the big shoulders and the humongous ass to bear the burdens, the slings and arrows if you will, of being in the public arena. She wants the 3:00AM phone call, doesn’t she? That which does not destroy her makes her stronger. She and the country will be better for it.

We are told that the President learned of the SNAFU approaching a PR FUBAR at the VA from the media. Am I the only one to remember that he was in high dudgeon as a candidate in 2008 in re the VA? I think an excess of “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” compels him to “piss on the country’s back and then tell them it’s rain”.

Meanwhile, the consensus of scientific opinion is that the next time a veteran goes into any VA facility, he should be armed.





Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET








Sunday, May 25, 2014

May 25, 2014



Achilles, Nelson, George Custer, Willie McBride

The scroll, signed by President Truman, reads

HE STANDS IN THE UNBROKEN LINE OF PATRIOTS WHO HAVE DARED TO DIE
THAT FREEDOM MIGHT LIVE, AND GROW, AND INCREASE ITS BLESSINGS.
FREEDOM LIVES, AND THROUGH IT, HE LIVES –
IN A WAY THAT HUMBLES THE UNDERTAKINGS OF MOST MEN.

He was a 42 year old piano salesman from Jersey City, N.J. He married Amy’s great aunt Millie. They had no children.
I electronically notify the world every May 25th of his death on May 25, 1945
“in the Pacific area”
so that his name will live on, at least for this year.
Corporal Leonard W. Putnam
November 12, 1902 – May 25, 1945

Your friends, the ones listed above, have saved a spot for you.

Sleep well.

Thank you.

May 24, 2014
Chan Lowe
The Sun Sentinel

RE: “The upturned neck awaits the ax” – What to do while waiting for the Apocalypse, the GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingOzoneDepletingClimateChangeClimateDisruption one, to be specific.

Mr. Lowe,

Now that Professor Stevie Goldstein, my favorite modern American Liberal piñata, has been dispatched to the island of dull quills from which no pundit ever returns I am looking for a new Sun Sentinel horse’s ass to flog.

You, as a half-assed smart ass, appear to be the guy in the 10 ring. Be advised you are dealing with a true smart ass

There are a few job descriptions, the main of which is that facts must never interfere with an argument.

Also, politicians are to be judged on expectations, never results. The proud claim that plaid is your favorite color is vital. All wars, save the 50 year old, hugely popular, immensely successful War on Poverty, must have an exit strategy. Manatee suffrage and 4th and 5th trimester abortion are topics that Broward County would vote for in a referendum in, forgive me, a heartbeat. It is an empirically self-evident fact – Did I just repeat myself? By golly, I did! – that the more money spent on education the better it will be. That is why the President and Mrs. Obama send their daughters to the really fine public schools in Washington. They do, don’t they? The terrible truth that from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941 modern American Liberals thought that Hitler was an OK guy is airbrushed out of History like an out-of-favor Politburo apparatchik. Money from the Koch Brothers is bad while money from Soros and Steyer is good. Julius and Ethel were railroaded and Alger Hiss was judged too harshly. The fact that no society anywhere, anytime has ever taxed its way to prosperity is an inconvenient truth to be ignored. Making the poor richer by making the rich poorer is today’s version of argumentum ad captandum. I told you I was a smart ass. Constant conflating of feelings and ideas is vital or mALs lose their identity. If it’s for the children how can it be bad? No fair using the Post Office, the IRS, the DMV, and now the VA as negative examples of why governments regularly mess up 2 car funerals and will do to health care what the grinder does to baloney. The song “Imagine” should be the new national anthem. All games should end in scoreless ties. Ignore the fact that Hillary Clinton has a humongous ass. It is approaching ax handle and a half wide status. Speaking of the Clintons, has the statute run on commenting on Handsome Billy being a confessed perjurer and a disbarred attorney? Will the year’s annual Summer of Recovery feature an updated version of Cash for Clunkers? How is that Reset button with the Russkies working out with Czar Putin? I miss my glutens wallowing in hot trans-fats. If Nancy Pelosi has any more face lifts she’ll be peeing through her navel. Fess up. Biden is



dumber than a box of hammers. Did you know that Bobby Kennedy’s first job as a lawyer was working for Senator McCarthy? That’s Joe from Wisconsin, not Gene from Minnesota. If it weren’t for the Republican minority in the Senate the Civil Rights bills of 1964 and 1965 would not have passed. Honest. Look it up. Thank God it is the 21st century. It makes Carter’s place as the 20th century’s worst President untouchably impregnable. How hard is it to raise your right hand and swear that Ben Carson, M.D. is an Uncle Tom? Tell me again. What exactly were Obama’s qualifications to be President? How many of the first ten amendments would be left it the editorial board of the Sun Sentinel got to rewrite the Constitution. For that matter, how much bigger would the list of enumerated powers be if the steady hand of modern American Liberalism got the blue pencil? Did you know that Cesar Chavez, he of the grape boycott and hero to the American Left, was in favor of strict immigration laws strictly enforced? I heard Justice Marshall say that Woodrow Wilson [D-NJ] was as vile a racist as the all the Democratic Senators and that he was the most bigoted President of the 20th century. HUAC was given life by a Democratic House of Representatives and fully supported by a Democratic President. Is Harry Reid as big a shit as he seems to be? Shouldn’t tubal ligations and vasectomies be required of all Kennedy spawn? Why do modern American Liberals, deep down, hate Israel?

As you can see there are myriad targets of opportunity. Every time I think the fish have jumped out of the barrel new ones jump in.

This morning’s Scorecard of Winners and Losers lists Deerfield Beach’s Mayor Al Capellini as this week’s Loser. I am originally from Hudson County, New Jersey. The lesson of beak dipping politicians is learned before one is weaned. Alas, in this instance the mighty left hand of the Sentinel did not tell its counterpart that the charges against Mayor Capellini were dismissed by the Judge. That he used the classic “I am not only a moron but I am a friggin’ moron” is irrelevant. He had dinner at home last night and then he slept in his own bed. That makes him a Winner.

Would it be OK to construct a universal from the uncomfortable particulars of referendums? Would it be OK for you to label me a knuckle dragging, gun toting toxic homophobic bigot if I were to point out that nowhere and at no time in this country has same-sex marriages ever been approved by the voters? Don’t forget to add California to the list.

Would you nod in agreement if President Obama were to blame President Bush, either or both, for Vietnam? How about teen age bullying and obesity? Is it not passing strange, even for card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals, that Chrysler, the recipient of a $10,000,000,000 – That’s ten billion, bub – from this country is now owned by an Italian company and will soon be making Jeeps in China? If I were to mention Solyndra it would be, like herpes, wretched excess so I won’t.





We can stipulate that Governor Scott is not like a day at the beach. If you can tell me which direction Charlie Crist’s head will be facing when he ends his Exorcist imitation we can talk. Not really. Just kidding.

I buy the Sun Sentinel every morning at the local Stop-N-Shop. I refuse to buy it again on line. That’s why I can’t link your cartoon and accompanying screed.

Remember that with Stevie being in re-education camp you have big shoes to fill. Don’t let me down.

And don’t forget….


THANK GOD FOR GLOBAL WARMING!



If it hadn’t happened we would still be competing with woolly mastodons for good silage while we tried to figure out what to do with our thumbs you ohmadahn.





Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET



PS – Professor Paul Ehrlich told us in The Population Bomb, published in 1969, that we would all be dead by 2000. Former Vice President Alpha Gump gave us five years to live six years ago. Professor Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize winner and former shill for Enron, told us ten days ago that we were all doomed. You say that Florida “must tax their citizens accordingly” to combat the dreadful, can’t be stopped, abandon all hope ye who live here, climate disruption. What can be done? As for me, nothing. As for you, how about turning off all you’re A/Cs? It’s a small step but it is a start. Shame us into being good citizens.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

May 13, 2014
Letter to the Editor
The Sun Sentinel
500 E Broward Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: “Rubio’s Comments on Climate Change Ignore Reality” – Some comments on your unlinkable so achingly correct anti-rational editorial on the horror, the horror of Senator Rubio’s dissent from the GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDisruption edicts, all of which are now comfortably ensconced in the altar of “settled science”.

Sirs,

First, some good news.

I was out and about in the pre-dawn hours with my constant companion, Chicken Little. I was able to say, yet again. “Look up, you silly goose. The sky hasn’t fallen. How about double or nothing?” The boy who cries wolf was absent.

The temperature was in the high 70s.

That reading always astonishes me because my first climate rabbi, the author of “The Population Bomb”, the original weather Jeremiah and frequent star of the Johnny Carson Show, Paul Ehrlich, PhD told us in 1970 we would either starve to death or freeze to death by 2000. I add that I am calorically challenged and, since last year, cashmere free.

Honest. You could look it up.

Incidentally, if we go by “what so many scientists say” – not quite a substitute for replicable proof and harmful to the out of favor Scientific Method but good enough for editorial Sophistry – Ptolemy would still be top dog in astronomy. He reigned supreme for almost 1500 years. That’s a millennium and a half. His “settled science” was well and truly settled. And then it became “unsettled”.

Honest. You could look it up.




You warn of rising electricity costs if we impose a “regulatory cap on carbon emissions”. I have some bad news to offset my good news.

The United States has significantly reduced its carbon emissions.

Try as they will even the evil Koch Brothers can’t increase it. The reason is simple. The Chinese and the Indians have not read the memo. Tom Stayer’s billions don’t count in Kiplingville. The Chinese open one coal burning power plant each week. Every week. The Indians, Deo Gracias, are close behind. As far as the wily Orientals are concerned the baby seal eating polar bears are on their own.

You speak of “taking a less partisan, more pragmatic view”.

Try these on for size.

Approve the Keystone Pipeline
Canonize “frackers”
Drill in the swamps West of the Sawgrass Mall
Drill in Biscayne Bay.
Drill in Tampa Bay.
Drill anywhere free men want to spend their money.

On the other hand, we can continue to buy oil from Nigeria and Brunei.

“Local governments are already in the trenches, moving forward,” said Broward Commissioner Kristin Jacobs,…a member of President Obama’s Task Force on Climate Preparedness and Resilience…”

It is a toss-up with that group either being compared unfavorably to the world’s smallest violin or favorably to the 3rd tallest building in Wichita, Kansas. Either way the race is not to the swift. A modern Horatius will not be found in that group of swells

What is indisputable is that Broward Commissioner Kristin Jacobs, a horse’s ass of Homeric proportions, is dumber than a box of hammers. She wouldn’t know a trench from a hole in the ground. To have her plead the case, any case, will lead to an epidemic of terminal enuresis. She labors mightily in the shallow end of the wading gene pool. I hope she does not have access to either sharp objects or heavy machinery.

Pop quiz.

How did Greenland get its name? Why did it snow in Boston in July, 1816? An upward spike in temperature in Europe 11 centuries ago gave us the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante?






It is “settled science” that Global Warming is good for man.

Forgive me for stating the obvious but how did the last Ice Age end? We don’t have to round up the usual suspects. Global Warming pleads guilty.

As the earth warms more land becomes more arable. More arable land means that more protein producing crops and protein producing animals can be grown and raised. More protein means people get smarter. Smarter people do smart things. Things like chemistry and biology and pi and medicine and music and cities and smelting and books and self-governance and the polio vaccine and the Green Bay Packer Sweep and Velcro and pizza and walking on the moon and “lock boxes” and even modern American Liberalism. Well, nobody bats a thousand.

Honest. You could look it up.

Am I going too fast for you?

There is thing you can do to make your bones in the silly business of climatological pseudo-science.

If you really believe all the anti-rational mumbo jumbo folderol promulgated by ohmadahnish demagogues of Brobdanaglian proportions all you have to do one thing.


TURN OFF ALL YOUR A/Cs

If you don’t, would it be OK to call you hypocrites? Actually, what with hypocrisy being one of the privileges of being a card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberal, it will be a badge of honor.



Kevin Smith


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

May 17, 2014
Fabiola Santiago
The Miami Herald

RE: “Climate Deniers” – How your column on rising waters raises hackles

Ms. Santiago,

I like your column. It’s like eating a big bowl of whipped cream with an odd bit of meringue hidden in the folds. That’s why I hope you believe me when I tell you, in re “Climate Deniers”, my contempt is not personal.

“Only an ideologically obstinate climate-change denier
doesn’t see that flooding woes only seem to worsen
year after year, even during ordinary rainy days like
Thursday, throughput the southeastern U.S.”
The Miami Herald
Today
You

Let us stipulate that sea levels are rising. Let us stipulate that sea levels are falling. They do it with metronomic regularity. Think tides. High tide followed by low tide followed by high tide followed by – you guessed it – low tide. Why you could almost set your watch by it. If you ever get to British Columbia the best time to get them to get salmon is slack tide.

Did the Miami Herald sell its world HQ, the one by Biscayne Bay, because the Bay had reached the 2nd floor? If it did was this fact disclosed to the buyers? Do you think the buyers were aware of it?

Beckham wants to play soccer. Specifically, he wants people to pay to watch him play soccer somewhere on the waterfront. He does not want to remake Esther Williams’s films.

Speaking of bubbles, is there another mortgage one coming? Why do banks compete vigorously to lend money on waterfront property? When Miami/Dade borrows money do they tell potential buyers of the hydrological risk? Aren’t the borrowers committing fraud by not disclosing the risk? Every time they borrow money from the pension fund of the Wichita Teachers’ Union aren’t they trying to outdo Madoff or Rothstein?

An admitted perjurer and a philander non-pareil, President Clinton, AKA “Handsome Billy from Hot Springs”, held a press conference in the Rose Garden of the White House in August, 1997. He said, “It’s very hot today. Global Warming caused that. By the way, hot days cause Global Warming. That science is “settled”.”




Honest. You could look it up.

Why no one asked him why he didn’t submit the Kyoto Treaty, the one that was going to save the planet in 1995, to the Senate for confirmation is beyond me. Perhaps a “vast Left-Wing conspiracy” is responsible. The facts would support that interpretation, wouldn’t they?

Since you brought up Logic, the capstone of the Trivium, the crowing jewel of Western Civilization, permit me to point the error of his, and your, reasoning.

You have fallen prey to the most basic of fallacies. Hoc post ergo propter hoc was proved to be a brain fart 25 centuries ago. It’s like cat shit on the bottom of your shoe. It is deuced difficult to get rid of it completely. It survives and prospers because it is a solution to the hard task of thinking. It is the best friend of modern American Liberals.

GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDisruption

That is the timeline, beginning in 1969, of us being perpetually on the eve of destruction. Professor Paul Ehrlich told us 45 years ago that we would all be dead by the year 2000. He hadn’t quite worked it out but the race was between starving and freezing with the winners’ laurel being death

Honest. You could look it up.

Only the collapse of the Ozone layer saved us from frostbite.

Six years ago Al Gore gave us five years to live. That’s why he probably sold his TV station – Can you believe this? – to WOG terrorists who are in the oil business.

Honest. You could look it up.

Maybe you could tell me what happened to Ptolemy? For a millennium and a half, that’s 1500 years, he was the top dog in Astronomy. You talk about science being settled. How did Copernicus and Kepler and Galileo sneak in there, what with the science being “settled”? Is it possible that settled science can become unsettled?

Paul Krugman, and let me quickly add that while he won the Noble Prize it wasn’t for being a shill for Enron, told us on Thursday morning that we were all doomed. I hope for the sake of my 3 granddaughters, Texas Ladies all, that his science isn’t “settled”.

Since you segue from rain to business – “His presidential ambitions only extend to addressing the needs of big business” – permit me to do the same.

Chrysler, saved by a bailout funded by money borrowed from the Chinese but totally a debt to be paid for by the American taxpayer, is now owned by an Italian company. Its big goal is to build Jeeps in China.

GM’s bailout, a deal on which the American taxpayer lost $10,000,000,000 – That’s ten billion dollars – lies repeatedly about how safe their cars are.

Honest. You could look it up.

By saying that not only is the Emperor naked, but that he doesn’t even know how to put his pants on, Rubio es un cablallero valiente y un hombre bueno knowing that he was going to suffer the slings and arrows of boobs and buffoons such as you.


Kevin Smith


PS – Before you were marooned by torrential rain – “torrential rain” in South Florida in May? Whodathunk? – in the Publix parking lot did you happen to buy any cauliflower? If you did I hate to be the one to tell you but, as a worshipper of Gaia, you have the inorganic anti-Christ, a genetically modified vegetable, in your kitchen. If you haven’t cooked it please dispose of it in an environmentally sensitive manner. You probably used to feed manatees, Florida’s favorite sea slugs, with the overripe heads. You are now a life member of the Sisterhood of Non-Thinking Ink Stained Wenches. Can’t do that anymore.







Friday, May 16, 2014

May 16, 2014

Marc Caputo
The Miami Herald

RE: I can’t tell up from down and hot from cold – Some comments on your Page 1 article on Florida Senator Marco Rubio and his less than Luddite stance on GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDisruption

Mr. Caputo,

The first thing I read today was Paul Krugman – Nobel Prize winner and Enron shill I quickly add – telling me less than halfway through his first paragraph that we are doomed.

I stopped reading so as to preserve whatever time I had left to pursue other things. [Talbot ’79, some Mozart, some geriatric twerking, disposing of my navel lint collection in an environmentally sensitive manner, inter alia, spring to mind]

Then I read about Tom Steyer, gazillionaire hedge fund dude – I add quickly that he is a good gazillionaire hedge fund dude because he wants to spend $100,000,000 of his own money to stop the Keystone pipeline unlike Mitt Romney who is a bad gazillionaire hedge fund dude because he won’t spend $100,000,000 of his own money to stop the Keystone pipeline – made a big pot of dough selling Indonesian coal to the Chinese

Three things leap to mind:

#1 – Try to fit living wage, OSHA, and the EPA into the same sentence with Indonesia. Take as much time as you need.
#2 – As you know, China opens one new coal burning power plant each week. That’s each and every week. 52 a year. Do the math. If you are bronchitis-prone stay upwind of them.
#3 – Each day that we delay the Keystone pipeline means that we buy more oil from Brunei, a place that seeks to de-clitorize all teenage girls, and Nigeria, a place that brings back the joys of full employment slavery. That’s worse than Hobson’s Choice.

It became worse, much worse.

Tom Steyer, the good gazillionaire hedge fund dude, also sells Australian coal to China. It is a well-known fact that Koala bears suffer when Australian mines its coal. One can only imagine the horror, the horror that Pandas suffer when it is burned. Is it too late to suggest a Solidarity pact between drowning polar bears and COPD-prone Koalas? Have we become too solipsistically species conscious? Is so, the end is indeed near.



Then I got to your article about Senator Rubio and climate change.

I learned well from Anthony Trollope. Let me state the obvious. There is climate change because the climate changes. You may wish to consult Professor Vivaldi, the noted Italian climatologist, to confirm these changes.

Argumentum ad captandum seems to be the universal mucilage that keeps weather fallacies, forgive me, above water.

You cite a Professor Kirtman, and I just know that he is a multi-degreed, internationally known, highly credentialed and experienced academic, who says that because surface temperatures haven’t gone up in 15 years they are going to go up and “soon” because not having gone up they can’t go down forever unless the Kyoto treaty is approved in which case The Population Bomb by Professor Paul Ehrlich will be become the gospel it didn’t become 45 years ago when he said we would either freeze to death or starve by the year 2000. Clearer than a bone chilling Tanqueray martini, straight up, no?

He then uses stock market lingo – He doesn’t say whether it is advance/decline ratios, head and shoulders formations, or the notorious ascending/descending pennant design – to buttress his argument.

There is a special word for ohmadahnish academics such as this ninny.

BOOB

We can call off the search for Professor Irwin Corey. He has not been kidnapped by Somali pirates. He is alive and well and earning big bucks writing his usual brilliant folderol claptrap for Al Gore and his acolytes.

Here is the Final Jeopardy answer. Global Warming

How did the last Ice Age end?




Kevin Smith
May 15, 2014
Artie Sulzberger – Big Boss Man
The New York Times
630 8th Avenue
New York, New York 10018

RE: Wet dreams, 2 car funerals, and finding your ass using both your hands are in big trouble if you are in charge. The only honorable way out for you is to put your teeth in backwards and chew yourself to death.

Little Dick,

As President of the Manhattan chapter of the Lucky Sperm Club you must thank Gaia every day for a particular le petit mort finding an agile, motile, and most importantly, fertile ovum. Otherwise you be sucking farts out to the seats at the local Odeon.

I stopped reading the New York Times in March, 2003.

You may recall that, with overwhelming Congressional support and approval, this country went to war.

That should have been the subject of all your journalistic attention.

Not so, no so as the Great Rumsfeld was wont to say.

You devoted more Page 1 coverage to the absence of chicks at the Augusta National Golf Club than to upcoming battles. Shame on those rich White guys for denying the ladies a seat at the table!

Now you fire your lady editor because she had the cojones to ask for the same pay as her male predecessor. Talk about being a pushy bitch! [You probably should include in your employment application that if you have a smegma carrier you pick up some Affirmative Action points]

Even though you replaced her with a Black dude – If women get 77% of what men get at the Times what do non-Whites get? If you were to hire a Black chick, what with your sliding pay scale, she would probably wind up paying you – it’s too late. Why be a run of the mill modern American Liberal hypocrite when you can be a Stop the Guinness Book presses, Brobdanaglianly Homeric, one?




You have given us a new circle of Hell. If Dante were here he would say that you will spend Eternity looking up at eel shit. Believe me when I tell you that, should you ever get out of the underground, there will be no stars to look up at.

The incubus named Walter Duranty strikes again.

The news is not all bad.

I hereby name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR.

This honor was gotten the old fashioned way.


YOU EARNED IT!



Kevin Smith




PS – A few nice “puzzle words”, right? See if you can get them by yourself, you turd.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

May 11, 2014
Gary Stein
The Sun Sentinel

RE: G-d help us all! – Some comments on your column asking why God won’t just go away.

Big Stein,

When you’re right, you’re right.

Prayer is a vexing issue. [It will be more so when the burnoosed, teenage girl snatching WOGs begin to exert their power but that’s for a different discussion]

That is why I am making you a one-time offer.

I will come to the coven of modern American Liberals – ink stained wretch local chapter AKA the Sun Sentinel – on Wednesday at noon. I will collect all of your divinely referenced currency. It goes without saying that I will dispose of same in an environmentally sensitive manner. I can’t get more Christian than that, can I?

Your extra credit assignment is to find out what in the name of the anti-Christ “annuity coeptis” means.

You “pray that public officials…cut taxes”. Stop praying. There is one sure fire, 100% guaranteed way to cut taxes. Are you ready for this? Here it is.

CUT SPENDING

At the Federal level we can toss a coin to see whether the Department of Energy or the Department of Education gets the chop first. Wait a minute! Shoot them both together. Forgive me but “God will know His own”.


KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET


PS – To make matters worse, a Koch Brothers operative starts all Supreme Court hearings with “God save the United States and this honorable court”. What next? Swearing on bibles? Army chaplains? Navy Crosses? Los Angeles class submarines? Where will it end?
May 11, 2014
Letter to the Editor
The Sun Sentinel
500 E. Broward Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: Today’s Page 1 – plus the Opinion Page

Sirs,

The not quite upper case Jeremiad, the Page 1 article authored by William Gipson, your Mount Olympus dwelling Washington correspondent, about the coming horrors of “fracking” in the foetid swamp East of Naples, fails the smell test.

I say that because I “fracked” my first well in January, 1974 with no deleterious effects on me or the environment.

The sad truth, an inconvenient one, is that modern American Liberals never let facts interfere with their argument[s]. By the by, it makes no difference which Republican sponsored evil is being excoriated because the answer[s] will always be the same.

Make Americans less free
and/or
Raise taxes

And when that doesn’t work double the dosage. How else could we still be fighting the War on Poverty? 50 years and counting...with no end in sight. “Once more dear boobs, once more into the breach….”

The sad truth is that if we don’t “frack” we wind up buying more oil from Nigeria and Brunei, two modern American Liberal villains du jour. Look it up. Honest.

The other thing is that I didn’t know is that GIs and their kids are second class citizens when it comes to in-state tuition. These are people who, having gone into harm’s way, who have “seen the elephant”, who stand on walls so we can sleep safely in our beds, now find themselves subordinate to the children of illegal aliens. A case can






be made for not visiting the sins of the father – if you break the law getting here you are per se illegal – on the son. [Check the Constitution. Look for the prohibition of Bills of Attainder] Shouldn’t a case be made for Veterans and their children being treated pari passu?

If you need some guidance on this matter I suggest a quick reading of Lincoln’s 2nd Inaugural address may be of some help.



Kevin Smith
May 11, 2014
Dennis Hickey, General Manager
The Miami Dolphins
347 Don Shula Drive
Miami Gardens, FL 33056

RE: “Watch your mouth” versus “Free men speak with free tongues”

Mr. Hickey,

In a country where it is OK for 15 naked self-proclaimed homosexuals can masturbate in front of Saint Patrick’s Cathedral – the big one in New York, the one on 5th Avenue and 50th street – to show their solidarity with gay Pride Day why can’t one of your players say “OMG – Horrible” when Michael Sam is drafted?

As long as we are on the subject…

Would it be homophobic of me to ask why you didn’t draft Michael Sam?
Could you tell me if he is bullied will it be treated as a hate crime?
Exactly how, other than telling your player what to say and more importantly, what not to say, are you going to “handle it appropriately”?
Would you handle it differently if Ryan Tannehill had been the Tweeterer?


Kevin Smith

PS – I read Pouncey’s tweet, “I can’t wait for our gifts he’s getting us”, about Ju’Wuan Jones, your first round draft pick. Forget about pass blocking and picking up blitzers. Get him a crash course in Grammar & Composition, preferably in English.
May 11, 2014

Omissioner Kristin Jacobs
Broward County Commission
115 S. Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: You’re gaining on it! – Some comments on the heights or depths of the vacuous inanities that you belched out on today’s Sun Sentinel Opinion Page.

Ms. Jacobs,

Hi from a serious “climate change denier”

#1 – I am typing this about 15 yards from the Intercostal. It is “very real and tangible”. I have lived here for 12 years. With the exception of tidal action – You are aware of the tides, aren’t you? – the average height of the water has neither gone up nor has it gone down. Wherever the water from the ice berg melting, polar bear drowning, caused by GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDisruption has gone, it hasn’t yet showed up here.

I check my manatee traps twice a day. More than that when the pups are separated from their moms by ozone depletion, the Tea Party, too much plastic, and the Koch Brothers. Trust me. The water marks on the wall haven’t changed since 2002.

#2 – Speaking of “settled science”, I have 4 Quixotic quests for which I would appreciate your help in pursuing.

A – Pluto – How did it get the boot from the index of planets? Who speaks for Pluto? I do. Will you?

B – Ptolemy – The science was “settled” for more than a millennium. [That’s 1000 years] Ptolemy was the top dog in Astronomy. Who tossed him out? “Astronomy deniers”? I want him back. Will you help me?

C – Age of the Universe – It is either 4,672 years old or it is 13,000,000,000 + years old. That is one Hell of a bid and asked. Can you help me “settle the science” on this one?

D – If you are really serious about getting the public’s attention on the climate kerfluffle I suggest that you – let’s take baby steps first – introduce a motion to turn off all the A/Cs in the room where you have your public meetings. Then you can ban A/Cs in all Broward County buildings. I don’t know if the jail is A/Ced but if it is turn it off. They’re in prison, not in the Hard Rock. Also, all Broward County employees – no exceptions, including you – must use public transportation getting to and from work. It’s




the least we can do for the children, not to mention furbish louseworts and various snail darters.

On a more personal note, I have a wager that you couldn’t find your ass if you were in a mirrored phone booth and were allowed to use both your hands and it was 2 out 3 with a Mulligan. Don’t let me down.

I don’t know how old you are but I suggest, for the good of the species, a tubal ligation. To Hell with half-way measures! Only a total hysterectomy will do.

There is no sense being a half-assed horse’s ass.






Kevin Smith
May 10, 2014
The Pope, the Perons, a mysterious “lock box”,
and why “mater si, magistra no” is still valid doctrine.
The term “ex cathedra” applies.

When Pope Francis, and blessed be his name, turned 13 the Big Boss in the City of Good Airs was Juan Peron. Just like Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene he forgave Eva Duarte. As Evita Peron she was a glass ceiling breaker long before its time. She turned her horizontal tango skills into a vast shopping spree.

Argentina was/is/and shall be a land that has received a wildly disproportionate share of God’s blessings. If it isn’t grown there it can’t be grown. Las vacas climb the Andes to graze there. Los toros swim mighty rivers to be with them. Almost as an afterthought world class wines are made there. They play soccer and polo superbly well.

And now comes the other zapato.

The country is almost 200 years old.

The only lasting contribution it has made to the Western Canon, to the ever expanding legacy of Western Civilization, is the tango. This version is the one that has 4 feet on the ground at all times. The obverse of that coin is that they stole it from the Italians.

It would be easier for Argentineans to get to Saturn as it would be for them to understand that as you sow so shall you reap.

Commercial contracts are made to be broken. Bonds are sold so they can be defaulted. The constant solution to inflation, the government imposed tax on the poor and the helpless, is to knock a few zeroes off the currency.

The descamisedas of Evita became the desaparecidos of Galtieri.

And no one said “Basta”!

When Jorge Bergoglio was just a joven he saw how businesses prospered. Buenos Aires was run by a South American version of Tammany Hall on steroids. The mordida became imbedded warp and woof in the DNA of Argentinean business. The alcalde had the ability to make things easy or to make things impossible. Worse, he could raise doubts as to who owned what. That was the world the Pope was raised in.


Alas, his major premise, the one that says business is corrupt and not entitled to keep what it produces, is based on a fallacy. Pope Francis saw the particular of the Argentinean market place and constructed a universal. That is offensive both to Logic, to empiricism, and worse, to fairness. If the subjective rule of a despot determines how filled one’s larder is concupiscence rules.

The evidence of your own eyes tells you that Switzerland and Hong Kong prosper. Cuba and Zimbabwe don’t. Piketty, the du jour prophet of top down redistributionism, essentially a mindset that proclaims that Cuba will be rich if Hong Kong becomes poorer, predicates his secular premise on repealing all the laws governing gravity. When that doesn’t work the 105% tax bracket will become the ideal.

“Such stupidity is not found in nature”.

Even South of the Equator debits still have to equal credits. His accountant father would see and have to square the circle of bribes, slush funds, fake contributions, and phantom purchases that are part of ongoing crony capitalism. Doubtless, his father would have taken an asi es la vida outlook because he lived in the real world and he had a family to raise. In Argentina it was the way negocio was done. Add to that was the simple truth that the Rule of Law was essentially foreign to Argentina. People were beaten; money was stolen; the new boss was the same as the old boss. Thus was formed his vision of wealth creation.

It became known as the “lock box” theory of wealth.

Sitting in the basement of the Big Boss’s castle was a room that housed a big safe, a “lock box” if you will. It was filled with wealth. [How it got there is a different question] A good boss would let some poor people dip their beaks in the trough where dinero flowed. A bad boss would cut back on the goodies.

If no consideration is given to how wealth gets into the “lock box” the only consideration is how fair will be the distribution of its contents.

The New Testament tells us to sell all and give to the poor. The downside of that fallacy is that the goose only has one life

I will know that my Redeemer liveth when I see a Kennedy fire sale at Hyannis to provide for homeless lactose intolerant trans-gendered AIDS victims. As soon as George Soros begins to pass out $20 dollar bills, only on days ending in Y, will we begin to see fairness ascendant.

Why not see if there are any Chinese billionaires who would like to own the Pieta? The distribution of the proceeds would be left to men [and women] known for their fairness.



“Chinese billionaires”? Maybe there were some good parts in Chairman Mao’s red book. What next? The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a Seminole casino? Tradable indulgences? Commercially available transubstantiation? Purple hat bingos?

In the “solid world” of which Orwell spoke, in the world where “stones are hard and water is wet”, it is a hard fact that the “animal spirits” that Keynes spoke of is what fills the “lock box”. Samuel Johnson spoke of “the potentiality of growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice”.

Tuitions at Catholic schools are paid for with the after tax dollars of parents.

Would not Logic dictate that anything that makes that pie grow exponentially is good? The excesses caused by the fact that men are not angels will be with us forever. We have laws that punish the wretched excesses of the few. Alas, so many of them are caused by the less than deft hand of a government that, since it cannot adequately reward success, it is incapable of punishing failure. Vide Solyndra, VA hospitals, and everybody’s favorite, the Post Office.

The Medicis, the Krupps, Henry Frick, Walt Disney, Clarence Birdseye, Kemmons Wilson, Colonel Sanders, Andrew Grove, Warren Buffett, and Bill Gates, have done more for the untermenschen than can be imagined. The library I went to in Bayonne was built by Andrew Carnegie, at one time the richest man in the world. His legacy continues to this day.

Mother? Yes, and always.
Teacher? No.
And that is ex cathdera.




Kevin Smith

Thursday, May 8, 2014

May 7, 2014
Superintendent Robert Runcie
Broward County Board of Education
600 SE 1st Street
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Truth in lending vs Truth in education – Some comments and question on the proposed $800,000,000 bond issue to be presented to the voters of Broward County.

Mr. Runcie,

$800,000,000 is an enormous amount of money.

Let us assume that it will be spent wisely on the myriad construction projects that the Broward county board of Education has earmarked. Let us assume that the process will proceed minus the mendacity of past Board members and employees. Let us further assume that Broward County will not be indenturing itself for 3 decades for what should have been current expense items.

[I moved here in 1996. I went to the Board of Education to get some budget numbers. I was shocked, shocked when I realized that the 2 people I spoke to did not know the difference between a capital budget and an expense budget. I used a refrigerator as an example. The big thing [refrigerator] that you plug in is a capital item. The things [milk, eggs] that you put in are expense items. They looked at each other with a wild surmise. Honest.]

Here’s where the truth in lending part kicks in.

Alas, the tooth fairy will not be making anymore stops in Broward County.

You do not borrow $800,000,000 for 30 years for free. If you have a mortgage you know what I mean.

Let us assume that $800,000,000 lent to the Broward County Board of Education and guaranteed by the citizens of Broward County will cost us – the borrowers – 5% a year.

My math skills, never having been FCATed, may have diminished so please check my calculations.

The carry cost of $800,000,000 @ 5% is $40,000,000 a year. Every year.

The interest alone will be $1,200,000,000. That’s one billion, two hundred million dollars.




And, at the end of the 30 years, the original amount of $800,000,000 has to be repaid.

[The question of whether or not the interest being tax free is fair is for a different time. Since both rich kids and poor kids go to the school the question of why the poor kids’ families are subsidizing their wealthier classmates is vexing.]

That’s $2,000,000,000 or, put differently, two billion dollars.

That’s a Hell of a lot more than $800,000,000.

Federal law commands that anytime anyone borrows money the full cost of the loan musty be disclosed.

You are asking the citizens of Broward County to authorize the borrowing of $800,000,000 without disclosing the full cost of the loan.

Here’s a revolutionary suggestion.

Why not tell them how much the loan will really cost?

Used car companies have to. Aluminum siding companies have to. Mortgage lenders, even predatory ones, have to.

Don’t you think the Broward County Board of Education should do likewise?

I await your reply.





Kevin Smith