Thursday, October 30, 2014

October 24, 2014
Suzan Glickman
The Sun Sentinel
500 E. Broward Blvd #900
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: The correlation between changing climate and Sophistry as put forward by you in your “The sky is falling” op-ed in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Ms Glickman,

“I know that my redeemer liveth”
Thank you

A pre-dawn m ncacophony of tautologies, non sequiturs, wing-nut moon bat folderol, Mammon and filthy lucre, and for a classic modern American Liberal ending. “It’s for the children”. Barf bag alert.

First, I must thank you for the ice water dunking from you, an ohmadahn who, doubtless, thinks manual labor, the undocumented border crossing dreamer, someone who in times primeval was known as an illegal alien, is the dude who mows the lawn and trims the hedges of your aggressively air conditioned house.

Did I go one assumption too far in my description of you? I don’t think so. I used your op-ed as the paradigm for my unfair and unbalanced tract.

If I read your screed correctly you have knowledge of bribery involving lobbyists and elected officials and regulators. You must bring these suspicions immediately to the nearest United States Attorney’s office. It is your civic duty and responsibility.

Since I am not sure if you object to all money being spent on lobbying I must tell you that NARAL spends millions of dollars trying to influence legislators. Ditto various teachers’ unions, dog track owners, hospitals, cement haulers, anti-bullying cabals, librarians, and swamp defenders. Of course, if you operate under the rule that while all money in politics is evil some money in politics is more evil than other moneys in politics then your high dudgeon is limited to bad guys only.

Sometimes it’s tough to know who the bad guys are.

You say that since Governor Scott “has investments in more than two dozen oil and gas ventures” he is beholden, probably criminally, to the fossil fuel despoilers who have raised loot and pillage to a new art form.

I don’t know this to be true but if you have a bag filled with goodies covering this you must call Eric Holder collect and demand immediate action. Since he is not investigating 4 Americans being murdered in Benghazi or the IRS taking a dump on the Constitution his crack A-Team has some free time.

Meanwhile, Logic would dictate that you immediately beginning lobbying for every pension plan in Florida, each and every one, to begin divesting themselves of any company involved in any part of the fossil fuel business.

That should make you feel warm and fuzzy right away.

As a substitute I can find you some deeply discounted Solyndra bonds to help you when you enter your golden years.

As to Climate Change…

1900, 1925, 1935, 1938 gave us hurricanes that have not been equaled in this country since then. Since these all happened before gas guzzling, ice berg melting, polar bear drowning SUVs appeared can you tell me how this happened? Please limit yourself to declarative sentences.

The 1930s gave us a drought in the mid-West that was of biblical proportions. Where did that come from since the “usual suspects”, carbon footprints, plastic, the Koch Brothers, inter alia, had not yet appeared on the public stage?

Krakatoa in 1883. Repeated snow falls in Boston in the summer of 1821. I think we can rule out fracking as a suspect since the word would have sounded like it came from Avernus. How did they happen?

I’ll try to be gentle. The last Ice Age ended because of the blessings of Global Warming. Honest. You could look it up.

That is one of the reasons I wear a ball cap saying

PROUD GLOBAL WARMER.

The 1821 summer of snow in Boston, Krakatoa in 1883. Do you think “fracking” caused them?

“He [Governor Scott] might not be a scientist but he should listen to them.”

What you are really saying is that some really, really smart people, having made appropriate sacrifices to the proper Gods, have “settled the science” and spoken ex cathedra on the subject of climate change. As such, further discussion of the subject is fruitless and prima facie proof of bible toting, knuckle dragging oafs. Not only are they wrong but they are evil incarnate and must be driven from the public arena like the Salem Witches.

To that I say bullshit.

You do a great dishonor to your “for the children” crusade.

For 25 centuries Western man has died to keep its legacy intact. Part of said legacy is the scientific method, critical inquiry, and reasoned discourse.

In “Lawrence of Arabia” Peter O’Toole, of late and happy memory, defiantly snarls that “nothing is written until it is written”.

You say that –A- there is nothing more to be written and –B-the books are closed and –C- everybody must turn in their pencils so they may be used for fuel when the other books are burned..

No so.

Ptolemy, and deo gratias for Google, ruled the “settled science” of astronomy for a millennium and a half. 1,500 years. Somebody said “but still it moves” and he was gone in an instant.

If Miami is about to disappear under 30 fathoms of melting ice bergs – I am sorry for the peripatetic polar bears. Perhaps an infomercial asking for $19 a month will help them relocate. Perhaps $38 a month will get them to stop eating baby seals and adopt a vegan life style – why did an acre of waterfront property on Biscayne Bay just change hands for $100,000,000? That’s one hundred million dollars. The 1% may be mean, nasty, brutish, and insensitive to the community’s greater needs but that doesn’t make them stupid. Wealthy people surround themselves with smart people whose sole job is to keep them wealthy. Letting a polluting hedge fund Robber Baron lose $100, 000, 000 is not the way to increase their undertaxed bonuses.

Alas, duty calls.

Wearing my PROUD GLOBAL WARMER hat, tilted at a jaunty angle that scrams “Why are there more horses’ asses than horses’ heads?”, I am off to check my manatee traps. The baby sows make for great sushi, particularly with some lightly braised arugula, endive, chard, and kale. You won’t notice how hot and sticky the weather is.

I say that because, and I almost hate to be the one to tell you, but when you turn your A/C to the “Who says you can’t wear cashmere in Broward” setting the power coming out of the wire comes from burning dirty coal. Not quite half of the electricity produced in this country comes from power plants that burn coal. Half of that power goes to A/C. Modern American Liberals, particularly the loony ones who caterwaul about the need to think globally and act locally are not amused when this inconvenient truth is revealed to them.

Now that you know that you have no choice but to turn off you’re A/C.

You will, won’t you?

If not, why not?

After all, “It’s for the children”, isn’t it?





Kevin Smith




PS – If I were to say “Good! Like Nedick’s” would it date me? Are you related to Marty Glickman?


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

October 19, 2014
Mayor Annise Parker
PO Box 1562
Houston, TX 77251

RE: “Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?”– That’s a Historical reference that is usually lost on modern American Liberal elected officials who are so smart they’re dumb as in couldn’t find their ass using both hands. SASE.

Ms. Mayor,

First, let me congratulate you for putting your mouth where your money is – Did I get that ass backwards? No matter – in the fight for population control. Who knows who is breeding, right? The last time I looked you and your spouse, a person who will not have to worry about prostate problems, try as you might with the ancient arts of rug munching and dildo G-spotting, will not burden the polar bear drowning environment with more rug rats.

Good for you.

We are better off emptying some gene pools. You may wish to consult Margaret Sanger and the Nuremberg Race Laws.

But then we get to the subpoenas.

The subpoenas commanded pastors to produce everything involving their sermons and their speeches about certain practices that certain religions – not theirs – disapprove. There are religions that preach that the practitioners of same should die in a rather specific manner. I’ll get to that in a bit.

I could hector you with “Congress shall make no law….” I could tell what one of the original DWEMs said 25 centuries ago – “Free men speak with free tongues” – but I won’t.

I will probably be in Houston in a few months. As much as I would like to tell you where I might be I shan’t. The prospect of having some Brown-shirted, badge wearing, gun toting Fascist wanabees showing up at my host’s house is not acceptable. I have had police; men with badges, men with guns, men with the full majesty of the Law come to my house 3 times because of something I wrote to or about elected officials.

The thread connecting these 3 separate incidents is that the 3 elected officials I wrote to or about were all Democrats. Specifically they were all card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals, as if there could possibly be any other kind. And here’s another strange coincidence.

They were all broads. Not a scrotum among them. Toilet seats turned perpetually up. All games ending in scoreless ties but who’s keeping score?

I have been awarding public officials, the first being the tooth picking, perpetually calorically challenged New Jersey Superior Court Judge Carole Ferentz, in 1992, 3 highly prized, greatly respected, world renowned laurels. [If I am to believe the flying squad of the emergency carpentry department of the Newark Courthouse her ass was an axe handle and a half wide]

Let me skip the foreplay,

HORSE’S ASS OFF THE WEEK

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

Congratulations! A hat trick! And your first time at the plate, too. It must be like Alexander felt when he realized that there was nothing left to conquer. You give PMS overloaded nags a bad name.

Wear your laurels proudly. You got them the old fashioned way. No chick set aside for you.

You earned them.



Kevin Smith



PS – You may want to subpoena a few Imams. Whether they be Sunni or Shia is irrelevant. They agree on one thing. Homosexuality – male and/or female – is an abomination punishable by death. Not the needle or the noose but a tried and true method: stoning. The Koran, and see if your Cossack cops can find out why it is always sacred, have some strict protocol rules. The stones can’t be too big lest the stonee die too quickly. They can’t be too small lest the cathartic community cleansing takes too long. It is oft-times discussed at Friday services. Get to the bottom of this before the Word Police ban bacon.







Thursday, October 9, 2014

October 7, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq
350 E. Las Olas Blvd #1000
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Happy birthday!

Mr. Berger,

Sunday last, the Sun Sentinel, a newspaper not quite dedicated enough to the noble cause of undrowning polar bears to turn off all of its A/Cs, wrote that the most powerful hurricane to strike the United States happened in 1935. It also told us that 3,100 people died in a hurricane that struck Cuba in 1931.

That they both happened in a decade that was not afflicted with the twin boogey men of Global Warming and/or Global Cooling is, at once, worthy of note and proof of nothing. Please note that while I am sorely tempted to surrender to the siren calls of tautologies and circular reasoning I will avoid them the way that baloney avoids the grinder.

It is important, indeed it is owed to the ledger, to note that the 1930s – [“a low, dishonest decade”, if we are to believe Auden] was a decade where modern American Liberals were enamored of Mussolini and enthralled by the eugenics and “herd culling” of Margaret Sanger. It must be noted, like a big old turd popping up in the punch bowl, that Hitler was also.

Among other things of note in the 1930s…

The Democrats at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue conspired to pass the Davis-Bacon Act, the most anti-Black Federal legislation of the 20th century.

In 1936, Poppa Joe Kennedy, and if America has to have a Corsair class why not him as its paradigmatic template, created a trust for his youngest son. Even then he knew that Young Lard would never be able to provide for himself. It has passed unopened and unaudited to his children. Talk about the 1% taking care of their own.

Would it be impolitic of me to point out that some of the dedicated modern American Liberals in the Democratic Party, ‘liberals in a hurry”, people who had no God but Stalin, were busily preparing to betray their country? I’ll take that risk.

One of the forgotten lessons of the History of the 1930s is that by any measurable standard the economy was worse in 1939 than it was in 1933. Honest. Look it up.

All hail “shovel ready jobs” and the never ending “Summer of Recovery”. Everything old is new again.
The purpose of the above is to set the tone for a gathering of this century’s edition of “The Sons of Liberty” in a well-known public house to celebrate my birthday. It is more than a coincidence that it also celebrates the defeat of the bad guys – feral Muslim thugs – by the good guys – fierce defenders of Western Civilization – at Lepanto. Red meat, red wine, and brown whisky will be consumed in copious amounts.
Crab grass consommé, endive and groats confit, and tofu flambé are expressly forbidden. The same for all light beer. Anyone daring to complain about the wonders of fracking will be turned over to the tender mercies of the resident Master of Bastinado for intense sensitivity training.

There is a possibility that some contrabundo cigaros will be destroyed by fire, one by one, in an environmentally sensitive manner

I am bound for Texas to see my ladies. It is good to bathe from time to time in the invigorating waters found in Koch Brothers country. When I return I shall take up the cudgels with renewed vigor. Modern American Liberals, particularly those in the public arena, deserve to be struck regularly, like gongs.

Having recently disposed of the last of my extensive cashmere collection I am in no need of material things for my birthday. I ask one thing that you and you alone can give.

Please, please get rid of that big, gas guzzling, furbish lousewort destroying car you drive. The only vehicles that get worse gas mileage are launched from a Nimitz class aircraft carrier.

I leave you with 2 thoughts from Jefferson. That’s Jefferson from Virginia, not Jefferson the dry cleaner.

“A free people claim their rights from the laws of Nature
and Nature’s God, and not as a gift from the chief magistrate.”

“In questions of power, then, let no more be heard of confidence
man, but let him be bound down from mischief by the chains of
The Constitution.”


From a proud Global Warmer



KS


PS – Your firm has stopped handling all real estate transactions involving waterfront property because of rising sea levels. Congratulations.

Friday, October 3, 2014

October 2, 2014


Joseph J. Casey, MD
Bienes Cancer Center
4725 N. Federal Highway
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33308

RE: “A Modest Proposal”, immodestly made.

Dr. Casey,

On Tuesday next – the 7th – I will be one up on my biblically allotted 3 score and 10. If I were a betting man, and considering my last 6 years at Holy Cross, I would take the under on myself.

Since I am now playing with house money I propose to lay down a marker.

I would like to be the Holy Cross Face of Breast Cancer.

One of my favorite authors, one most quotable, said, “Focus on the absurd lest reality drive you mad”.

My qualifications are simple.

#1 – I have been diagnosed with, am being treated for, and will be operated on for breast cancer.
#2 – I love pink. [I once had several women fighting over my pink, V-neck, cashmere sweater. Honest. Affidavits on request.]
#3 – Should there be any underemployed breast cancer medical personnel at Holy Cross, I will, by force of personality, have them all on overtime before All Saints’/All Souls’ Days. [It is a Catholic Hospital, isn’t it?]

Who knows? Maybe I can save a life.




KS



PS – Tuesday 10/7/14 – Waxy O’Connor’s 17th Street Causeway – Noon on – Several of your lanschmen have indicated that they may be there – Adult beverages will be available