October 24, 2014
Suzan Glickman
The Sun Sentinel
500 E. Broward Blvd #900
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: The correlation between changing climate and Sophistry as put forward by you in your “The sky is falling” op-ed in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Ms Glickman,

“I know that my redeemer liveth”
Thank you

A pre-dawn m ncacophony of tautologies, non sequiturs, wing-nut moon bat folderol, Mammon and filthy lucre, and for a classic modern American Liberal ending. “It’s for the children”. Barf bag alert.

First, I must thank you for the ice water dunking from you, an ohmadahn who, doubtless, thinks manual labor, the undocumented border crossing dreamer, someone who in times primeval was known as an illegal alien, is the dude who mows the lawn and trims the hedges of your aggressively air conditioned house.

Did I go one assumption too far in my description of you? I don’t think so. I used your op-ed as the paradigm for my unfair and unbalanced tract.

If I read your screed correctly you have knowledge of bribery involving lobbyists and elected officials and regulators. You must bring these suspicions immediately to the nearest United States Attorney’s office. It is your civic duty and responsibility.

Since I am not sure if you object to all money being spent on lobbying I must tell you that NARAL spends millions of dollars trying to influence legislators. Ditto various teachers’ unions, dog track owners, hospitals, cement haulers, anti-bullying cabals, librarians, and swamp defenders. Of course, if you operate under the rule that while all money in politics is evil some money in politics is more evil than other moneys in politics then your high dudgeon is limited to bad guys only.

Sometimes it’s tough to know who the bad guys are.

You say that since Governor Scott “has investments in more than two dozen oil and gas ventures” he is beholden, probably criminally, to the fossil fuel despoilers who have raised loot and pillage to a new art form.

I don’t know this to be true but if you have a bag filled with goodies covering this you must call Eric Holder collect and demand immediate action. Since he is not investigating 4 Americans being murdered in Benghazi or the IRS taking a dump on the Constitution his crack A-Team has some free time.

Meanwhile, Logic would dictate that you immediately beginning lobbying for every pension plan in Florida, each and every one, to begin divesting themselves of any company involved in any part of the fossil fuel business.

That should make you feel warm and fuzzy right away.

As a substitute I can find you some deeply discounted Solyndra bonds to help you when you enter your golden years.

As to Climate Change…

1900, 1925, 1935, 1938 gave us hurricanes that have not been equaled in this country since then. Since these all happened before gas guzzling, ice berg melting, polar bear drowning SUVs appeared can you tell me how this happened? Please limit yourself to declarative sentences.

The 1930s gave us a drought in the mid-West that was of biblical proportions. Where did that come from since the “usual suspects”, carbon footprints, plastic, the Koch Brothers, inter alia, had not yet appeared on the public stage?

Krakatoa in 1883. Repeated snow falls in Boston in the summer of 1821. I think we can rule out fracking as a suspect since the word would have sounded like it came from Avernus. How did they happen?

I’ll try to be gentle. The last Ice Age ended because of the blessings of Global Warming. Honest. You could look it up.

That is one of the reasons I wear a ball cap saying

PROUD GLOBAL WARMER.

The 1821 summer of snow in Boston, Krakatoa in 1883. Do you think “fracking” caused them?

“He [Governor Scott] might not be a scientist but he should listen to them.”

What you are really saying is that some really, really smart people, having made appropriate sacrifices to the proper Gods, have “settled the science” and spoken ex cathedra on the subject of climate change. As such, further discussion of the subject is fruitless and prima facie proof of bible toting, knuckle dragging oafs. Not only are they wrong but they are evil incarnate and must be driven from the public arena like the Salem Witches.

To that I say bullshit.

You do a great dishonor to your “for the children” crusade.

For 25 centuries Western man has died to keep its legacy intact. Part of said legacy is the scientific method, critical inquiry, and reasoned discourse.

In “Lawrence of Arabia” Peter O’Toole, of late and happy memory, defiantly snarls that “nothing is written until it is written”.

You say that –A- there is nothing more to be written and –B-the books are closed and –C- everybody must turn in their pencils so they may be used for fuel when the other books are burned..

No so.

Ptolemy, and deo gratias for Google, ruled the “settled science” of astronomy for a millennium and a half. 1,500 years. Somebody said “but still it moves” and he was gone in an instant.

If Miami is about to disappear under 30 fathoms of melting ice bergs – I am sorry for the peripatetic polar bears. Perhaps an infomercial asking for $19 a month will help them relocate. Perhaps $38 a month will get them to stop eating baby seals and adopt a vegan life style – why did an acre of waterfront property on Biscayne Bay just change hands for $100,000,000? That’s one hundred million dollars. The 1% may be mean, nasty, brutish, and insensitive to the community’s greater needs but that doesn’t make them stupid. Wealthy people surround themselves with smart people whose sole job is to keep them wealthy. Letting a polluting hedge fund Robber Baron lose $100, 000, 000 is not the way to increase their undertaxed bonuses.

Alas, duty calls.

Wearing my PROUD GLOBAL WARMER hat, tilted at a jaunty angle that scrams “Why are there more horses’ asses than horses’ heads?”, I am off to check my manatee traps. The baby sows make for great sushi, particularly with some lightly braised arugula, endive, chard, and kale. You won’t notice how hot and sticky the weather is.

I say that because, and I almost hate to be the one to tell you, but when you turn your A/C to the “Who says you can’t wear cashmere in Broward” setting the power coming out of the wire comes from burning dirty coal. Not quite half of the electricity produced in this country comes from power plants that burn coal. Half of that power goes to A/C. Modern American Liberals, particularly the loony ones who caterwaul about the need to think globally and act locally are not amused when this inconvenient truth is revealed to them.

Now that you know that you have no choice but to turn off you’re A/C.

You will, won’t you?

If not, why not?

After all, “It’s for the children”, isn’t it?





Kevin Smith




PS – If I were to say “Good! Like Nedick’s” would it date me? Are you related to Marty Glickman?

October 19, 2014
Mayor Annise Parker
PO Box 1562
Houston, TX 77251

RE: “Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?”– That’s a Historical reference that is usually lost on modern American Liberal elected officials who are so smart they’re dumb as in couldn’t find their ass using both hands. SASE.

Ms. Mayor,

First, let me congratulate you for putting your mouth where your money is – Did I get that ass backwards? No matter – in the fight for population control. Who knows who is breeding, right? The last time I looked you and your spouse, a person who will not have to worry about prostate problems, try as you might with the ancient arts of rug munching and dildo G-spotting, will not burden the polar bear drowning environment with more rug rats.

Good for you.

We are better off emptying some gene pools. You may wish to consult Margaret Sanger and the Nuremberg Race Laws.

But then we get to the subpoenas.

The subpoenas commanded pastors to produce everything involving their sermons and their speeches about certain practices that certain religions – not theirs – disapprove. There are religions that preach that the practitioners of same should die in a rather specific manner. I’ll get to that in a bit.

I could hector you with “Congress shall make no law….” I could tell what one of the original DWEMs said 25 centuries ago – “Free men speak with free tongues” – but I won’t.

I will probably be in Houston in a few months. As much as I would like to tell you where I might be I shan’t. The prospect of having some Brown-shirted, badge wearing, gun toting Fascist wanabees showing up at my host’s house is not acceptable. I have had police; men with badges, men with guns, men with the full majesty of the Law come to my house 3 times because of something I wrote to or about elected officials.

The thread connecting these 3 separate incidents is that the 3 elected officials I wrote to or about were all Democrats. Specifically they were all card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals, as if there could possibly be any other kind. And here’s another strange coincidence.

They were all broads. Not a scrotum among them. Toilet seats turned perpetually up. All games ending in scoreless ties but who’s keeping score?

I have been awarding public officials, the first being the tooth picking, perpetually calorically challenged New Jersey Superior Court Judge Carole Ferentz, in 1992, 3 highly prized, greatly respected, world renowned laurels. [If I am to believe the flying squad of the emergency carpentry department of the Newark Courthouse her ass was an axe handle and a half wide]

Let me skip the foreplay,

HORSE’S ASS OFF THE WEEK

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

Congratulations! A hat trick! And your first time at the plate, too. It must be like Alexander felt when he realized that there was nothing left to conquer. You give PMS overloaded nags a bad name.

Wear your laurels proudly. You got them the old fashioned way. No chick set aside for you.

You earned them.



Kevin Smith



PS – You may want to subpoena a few Imams. Whether they be Sunni or Shia is irrelevant. They agree on one thing. Homosexuality – male and/or female – is an abomination punishable by death. Not the needle or the noose but a tried and true method: stoning. The Koran, and see if your Cossack cops can find out why it is always sacred, have some strict protocol rules. The stones can’t be too big lest the stonee die too quickly. They can’t be too small lest the cathartic community cleansing takes too long. It is oft-times discussed at Friday services. Get to the bottom of this before the Word Police ban bacon.

October 7, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq
350 E. Las Olas Blvd #1000
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Happy birthday!

Mr. Berger,

Sunday last, the Sun Sentinel, a newspaper not quite dedicated enough to the noble cause of undrowning polar bears to turn off all of its A/Cs, wrote that the most powerful hurricane to strike the United States happened in 1935. It also told us that 3,100 people died in a hurricane that struck Cuba in 1931.

That they both happened in a decade that was not afflicted with the twin boogey men of Global Warming and/or Global Cooling is, at once, worthy of note and proof of nothing. Please note that while I am sorely tempted to surrender to the siren calls of tautologies and circular reasoning I will avoid them the way that baloney avoids the grinder.

It is important, indeed it is owed to the ledger, to note that the 1930s – [“a low, dishonest decade”, if we are to believe Auden] was a decade where modern American Liberals were enamored of Mussolini and enthralled by the eugenics and “herd culling” of Margaret Sanger. It must be noted, like a big old turd popping up in the punch bowl, that Hitler was also.

Among other things of note in the 1930s…

The Democrats at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue conspired to pass the Davis-Bacon Act, the most anti-Black Federal legislation of the 20th century.

In 1936, Poppa Joe Kennedy, and if America has to have a Corsair class why not him as its paradigmatic template, created a trust for his youngest son. Even then he knew that Young Lard would never be able to provide for himself. It has passed unopened and unaudited to his children. Talk about the 1% taking care of their own.

Would it be impolitic of me to point out that some of the dedicated modern American Liberals in the Democratic Party, ‘liberals in a hurry”, people who had no God but Stalin, were busily preparing to betray their country? I’ll take that risk.

One of the forgotten lessons of the History of the 1930s is that by any measurable standard the economy was worse in 1939 than it was in 1933. Honest. Look it up.

All hail “shovel ready jobs” and the never ending “Summer of Recovery”. Everything old is new again.
The purpose of the above is to set the tone for a gathering of this century’s edition of “The Sons of Liberty” in a well-known public house to celebrate my birthday. It is more than a coincidence that it also celebrates the defeat of the bad guys – feral Muslim thugs – by the good guys – fierce defenders of Western Civilization – at Lepanto. Red meat, red wine, and brown whisky will be consumed in copious amounts.
Crab grass consommé, endive and groats confit, and tofu flambé are expressly forbidden. The same for all light beer. Anyone daring to complain about the wonders of fracking will be turned over to the tender mercies of the resident Master of Bastinado for intense sensitivity training.

There is a possibility that some contrabundo cigaros will be destroyed by fire, one by one, in an environmentally sensitive manner

I am bound for Texas to see my ladies. It is good to bathe from time to time in the invigorating waters found in Koch Brothers country. When I return I shall take up the cudgels with renewed vigor. Modern American Liberals, particularly those in the public arena, deserve to be struck regularly, like gongs.

Having recently disposed of the last of my extensive cashmere collection I am in no need of material things for my birthday. I ask one thing that you and you alone can give.

Please, please get rid of that big, gas guzzling, furbish lousewort destroying car you drive. The only vehicles that get worse gas mileage are launched from a Nimitz class aircraft carrier.

I leave you with 2 thoughts from Jefferson. That’s Jefferson from Virginia, not Jefferson the dry cleaner.

“A free people claim their rights from the laws of Nature
and Nature’s God, and not as a gift from the chief magistrate.”

“In questions of power, then, let no more be heard of confidence
man, but let him be bound down from mischief by the chains of
The Constitution.”


From a proud Global Warmer



KS


PS – Your firm has stopped handling all real estate transactions involving waterfront property because of rising sea levels. Congratulations.

October 2, 2014


Joseph J. Casey, MD
Bienes Cancer Center
4725 N. Federal Highway
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33308

RE: “A Modest Proposal”, immodestly made.

Dr. Casey,

On Tuesday next – the 7th – I will be one up on my biblically allotted 3 score and 10. If I were a betting man, and considering my last 6 years at Holy Cross, I would take the under on myself.

Since I am now playing with house money I propose to lay down a marker.

I would like to be the Holy Cross Face of Breast Cancer.

One of my favorite authors, one most quotable, said, “Focus on the absurd lest reality drive you mad”.

My qualifications are simple.

#1 – I have been diagnosed with, am being treated for, and will be operated on for breast cancer.
#2 – I love pink. [I once had several women fighting over my pink, V-neck, cashmere sweater. Honest. Affidavits on request.]
#3 – Should there be any underemployed breast cancer medical personnel at Holy Cross, I will, by force of personality, have them all on overtime before All Saints’/All Souls’ Days. [It is a Catholic Hospital, isn’t it?]

Who knows? Maybe I can save a life.




KS



PS – Tuesday 10/7/14 – Waxy O’Connor’s 17th Street Causeway – Noon on – Several of your lanschmen have indicated that they may be there – Adult beverages will be available

September 30, 2014
Congressgal Little Debbie
RE: addendum [That’s Latin – Don’t confuse it with erratum]
Dearest Darling Debbie,
My note of the 29th includes 2 potential alma maters for you. It should have included 3. Obviously a curriculum containing Boiling water for rice, Boiling water for pasta, and a 4 credit course, Boiling water for eggs as required courses before moving on to Making pi from scratch and the age old toughie Which fork, Which spoon will not be found everywhere.
I asked if you went to the University of Florida or the University of Floriduh. I should have asked if you had gone to the University of Floridum. The last one has the theme song “Plaids & Stripes – Perfect together”. That one.
I forgot.
I’m sorry.
And so no man may doubt my commitment to multi-cultural diversity I add that “only Allah can weave a perfect rug”.

DEMS!
DON’T DUMP DEBBIE


is really taking off. We’re having a fund raiser at Waxy O’Connor’s in Fort Lauderdale next Tuesday, October 7, starting at noon. Stop by and meet some of your real fans. Plus, it is the 443rd anniversary of the good guys giving the bad guys a Texas-sized ass whupping at Lepanto. Based on 17 years of public statements it is self-evident that you never had any History courses. Thank God for Google. Look that one up also. Cash bar.




Your proud global warming pal,



KS

September 28, 2014
Mayor Jack Seiler
100 North Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Sounds like bullshit to me – Some comments on your blurb in today’s Sun Sentinel

Mr. Mayor,

It is with heavy hand and even heavier heart that I write to you in a less than positive way. I say that because we have several mutual acquaintances who assured me that you were smart and, more importantly, a stand-up guy. These names shall remain a pectore because it is my experience with modern American Liberal politicians in Broward County that they are vindictively nasty.

I don’t know about you but I do know the company you keep.

Maybe you have been to dinner too many times at Mitch Berger’s house. By the way, how was the kale and bromeliad consommé? I am sure you know that it was P.J. O’Rourke who discovered that all tofu comes from whale snot. You knew that, didn’t you?

The speaker at the Berger’s dinner was Tom Steyer. He has expanded, exponentially, the edges of the envelope that contains the specs for modern American Liberal hypocrisy. After making a gazillion dollars mining and selling “dirty coal” to the Chinese, said “dirty coal” having been unsaleable in this country for 35 years, he has come to know the Baby Jesus. His penance for being part of the 1% of the 1% is to undo the Industrial Revolution.

What was the dessert that night? Clam shell flambé? Sea weed sorbet? Kudzu cognac?

My grandfather, the legendary Jack Smith, was right. He noticed, shortly after legally arriving in this country, that there were more horses’ asses than there were horses’ heads. Even the temporary imbalance created by Don Corleone would have been corrected when both parts went to the glue factory, right?

I did say “heavy hand and heavier heart”. I am still a fan of meritocracy. By your public statements I am obligated to give you my entry level award. I add that the science of giving this award is long “settled”. Remember Ptolemy?

You are hereby named
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
with all the rights and privileges attendant thereto.

I am sure your attempt to undrown all those vegan polar bears, for preventing the angry sea, the one which has not yet responded to Obama’s command to make it recede, from roaring down Broward Boulevard and swamping City Hall, plus your concern for transgendered LGBT bullied teenagers who are slaves to tweeting and obesity will cause you to do the one thing that will have an immediate impact on the environment and your electorate.

TURN OFF ALL THE A/Cs IN CITY BUILDINGS

Be the first Mayor in Broward County with environmental cojones.

Lead.

We will follow.

I think.

Maybe.


FROM A PROUD GLOBAL WARMER



Kevin Smith

PS – County Commissioner Kristin Jacobs was one of your fellow blurbers in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel. [Relying on Latin rules of grammar, “blurber” is decidedly non-gender specific. Look it up] I hope she puts away a lot of Tanqueray in the morning. No one sober could say such God-awful stupid things. She is the perfect example of why literacy tests should be brought back, not for voters but for candidates. She doesn’t handle any sharp instruments or operate heavy machinery, does she? I may be creating a new award for her. Fred Kite, an almost forgotten British Labor leader, once said, “All them corn fields and ballet at night”. This week this Broward version of Boob McNutt spoke tumescently of “beautiful urban bike trails” and of buses running on yak farts. I hope she will make no further contributions to our depleted gene pool. Jeezus Haitch Keerist but she is making Stacy Ritter and Miriam Oliphant look like runners up for Jeopardy. We’ll have a party when she finds out what to do with her thumbs.

September 28, 2014
Congressperson Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
10100 Pembroke Pines Blvd.
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: My pen is at your command

Dearest Darling Debbie,

DEMS!
DON’T DUMP DEBBIE!

Don’t Dump Debbie is the name of my new PAC.

What in the name of modern American Liberal wackamoles would I do without you?

I have waited longer than Vladimir and Estragon waited for the impolite Godot to arrive for the much heralded Summer of Recovery. Now that my manatee sushi business has been derailed by Wal-Mart I have far too much time on my hands.

That’s where you come in.

I am unable to keep up with your verbal incontinence but I rejoice in the fact that it is always there. I have an internal clock, like the one I use to limit my daily take of whooping cranes to 2, which prevents me from liquidating my vast 1% holdings and devoting myself to nothing else by hurling flaming bags of cat scat at you.

STOP THE PRESSES!

2 weeks ago you said “10 years of Coca-Cola and M&Ms gave you breast cancer”. You never said whether it was Diet Coke or M&Ms with nuts. This is important. You could just as easily have said that 10 years of Nancy Pelosi and tuition bills gave you breast cancer. How about the hole in the ozone layer? How about the hole in the ozone layer closing? Cash for Clunkers and the Summer of Recovery? The combination of being paid only 78% of what Congressman Alan West got when he was in Congress and the Koch Brothers polluting the airwaves could be carcinogenic.

I name the above examples because your CV says you have 2 degrees from the University of Florida. If you do you managed to get through at least 5 years of college without ever once tripping over tautologies, circular reasoning, post hoc ergo propter hoc, and why correlation is confused with causation. The last one is the comfort zone for oafs, blockheads, and modern American Liberal dunces.

It also allows you to bypass one of the wonders of Western Civilization; viz, the scientific method. It does away with thinking. Let me give you an example. Global warming is caused by hot summers which are caused by Global Warming, high tides are caused by Global Warming which also causes Global Colling which causes it to be cold in winter, ad infinitum. Once you get the hang of it it makes everything easy. Alas, it also makes it wrong but in the mAL world of only expectations, never results, counting you can reach the horizon while defying gravity.

It sure as Hell beats thinking.

I even thought you were engaging in some Noel Coward drawing room comedy but that would have been cruel to you. Whatever your strong points are sly wit and satire are to be found nowhere in your slim quiver.

As you were saying…

“He gives women the back of his hand and he drags us by our hair.”

I know you said that because you apologized for saying it

I have too many strong women in my family to give you or any woman “the back of my hand”.

As to “pulling you by your hair”, I fracked my first well in Duval County, Texas. One of my jobs was to re-wire fences. [Speaking of Duval County, why isn’t there a modern Americana Liberal shrine there? In 1948 Lyndon Johnson thought he had lost the Democratic Primary for United States Senate, “Not so fast”, said his good pal Abe Fortas. They counted the votes, they recounted the votes. They recounted the recounted votes. It was touch and go until, mirabile dictu, Abe Fortas found several hundred missing absentee ballots. I know it’s hard to believe but they were lined up alphabetically. Honest. I mean really honest. Would it be too far of a reach to suggest that, absent typical modern American mendacity, there would have been no wall in Washington with 58, 416 names of dead Americans on it? If you are not aware of it I am talking about the wall for the Americans who died in Vietnam. That wall. That war. At least that war ended. The other modern American Liberal war, the hugely successful War on Poverty, is rivaled only by the Punic Wars. How about a few pyramids? Thank God for Google.]

I look at your hair and I think “barbed wire”. Jagged, twisted, rusty, viper tongued, meaner than cat shit barbed wire. Rest easy. If anyone grabs you by those Medusa-like appendages it won’t be me

DON’T DUMP DEBBY
is a section 201, 301, 401, 501, 601, C3, C4, C4, DC3, and C47 non-profit PAC.

Any contribution you can make will be greatly appreciated.

Maybe your husband’s bank could help out.

Any way, hang tough. I got your back.



FROM A PROUD GLOBAL WARMER





Kevin Smith



PS – Was it the University of Florida or the University of Floriduh?

September 24, 2014
Letter to the Editor
The Miami Herald
3511 NW 91st Avenue
Miami, FL 33172

RE: “The Urgency of Climate Change” – Some comments on today’s “The sky is falling” editorial on why electricity, frozen foods, plastic, carrots, broccoli, potatoes, and cable TV are bad.

Sirs,

Alas, there are several inconvenient facts that Worshippers at the Luddite Church of Undoing the Industrial Revolution always turn a blind eye to. There is a growing chorus of believers in reasoned discourse and, most importantly, the scientific method whose voices will be heard. That we have to bear the slings and arrows of outrage from boobs and mountebanks is a burden we gladly take up.

#1 – Carbon Dioxide – Should we outlaw photosynthesis? Should we burn down all the rainforests? How about forbidding all bovine, orvine, and porcine eructattions? GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction is a problem at least equal to ADHD children whose Moms are women of color who are single parents and the plight of transgendered, lactose intolerant LGBT overweight teens who are being bullied. Should we encourage parents to train their children to hold their breaths?

#2 – Global Warming – Follow the bouncing ball. I’ll type slowly. As temperatures rise more land becomes more arable. That leads to an increase in protein which leads to smarter people. 12 centuries ago temperatures spiked upward in Europe. We wound up with the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante? That’s why I wear a ball cap proclaiming me as a PROUD GLOBAL WARMER.

#3 – Think Globally; Act Locally – Since the last century I have been begging the Miami Herald to lead the charge against fossil fuels. About ½ of the electricity generated in this country comes from burning coal. About ½ of that electricity is used to run A/Cs. You must lead the way! Turn off all your A/Cs! We will follow. I think. Maybe. If we don’t, you will have earned that warm and fuzzy feeling that modern American Liberals so desperately want. In this case it will be a very warm feeling. Then you can mandate the use of public transportation by your employees.

#4 – Thank God for Leonardo the Benevolent – Horse’s Ass of the Week, Pompous Fart of the Month, Smarmy Bastard of the Year. I raise a major Te Deum that He has revealed Himself to us. Lambs and goats are slaughtered to show how happy we are that He has appeared. So seldom does a ninny such as he appear that it reminds me of Keats “seeing a new planet swim into his ken”. This jackass flies here in a private jet that burns more fuel than an F-16. He takes an SUV that burns so much gas that NSA satellites can track it. It also tracks the dozen or so polar bears he killed, including 2 nursing sows. Before addressing the assembled serfs, he accepts an award from Bill Clinton, the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes. The award is on par with the one given to the 3rd tallest building in Wichita, KS. It is a leg up on the world’s second tallest midget laurel. Can enough flaming bags of cat shit be prepared to fling at Him before he returns to his gas-guzzling world? No.

#4 – Water front property – Why, if it is so obvious that the ocean levels are rising – Would it make me a racist to point out that President Obama, and let me say that he is the best President we have, told us that he would make the oceans recede? It is a risk that I have to take. If I don’t, in a strange way, the terrorists win. – do people still strive to buy waterfront property? The hated 1% can afford to hire very smart people who should tell them that the oceans are rising and soon, very soon, boat trips to Key West will start in Ocala. An acre of waterfront property in Miami was sold last month for $1,000,000. One million dollars. And no one told them? Shame on us.

#5 – The problem with modern American Liberals, in addition to suffering from “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and an overload of “eclectic indignation”, is that they confuse feelings with ideas. Having cleared that very low bar they now graduate to feeling that correlation and causation is the same thing. They ain’t. Anyone who puts “consensus” and “science” in the same sentence should be flogged. Repeatedly. Nobody but nobody had the “consensus of scientists” like Ptolemy. He had it for 15 centuries. Has anybody heard about him lately?

Speaking of missing persons, did the Somali pirates snatch up Cindy Sheehan?

I am hard pressed to prevent the word bullshit from drowning out all else, particularly from “know-nothing” editorial writers.






Kevin Smith






PS – Dial 1-800- VIVALDI for emergency weather lessons 24/7

September 21, 2014
Joy-Ann Reid
The Miami Herald

RE: a touchy subject

Ms. Reid,
“Crist needs to fire up black voters”
The Miami Herald
9/18/14
You

I am a proud, self-proclaimed descendant of DWEMs. Ergo, I am at high risk of being branded with the dreaded scarlet “R” and then being consigned to the netherworld of bigoted White guys, an “undiscovered country from which no traveler ever returns”.

“Ferguson has made it crystal clear to the African-American
community that we’ve got to go to the polls,” Rep. John Lewis,
D-Ga, told the New York Times.
The Sun Sentinel
Today

Pray tell, why do African-Americans and other people of color need to be goaded and/or cajoled to vote? Los Angeles, and when was the last time anyone but a card carrying modern American Liberal was elected to anything there, is considering paying people to vote.

You mention “longer wait times” as if the ghosts of Senator Bilbo or Senator Sparkman ran the polls. Google them.

I am a disabled senior citizen. It took me 1 hour and 47 minutes to vote in 2012. It was hot and sticky, plus my various ailments did not react well to standing in the sun.

Exactly what is that proof of?

Didn’t Jess Jackson have a great election scam that he ran on a quadrennial basis?

The Democratic Party figured it was better to have him “inside the tent pissing out rather than outside the tent pissing in”.

Every Labor Day he got a corporate credit card, an inside 800 travel agency phone number, and a sack filled with cash. His job was to register Black voters.

Why did he have to do it every 4 years? Did he have to re-register them every 4 years? If so, why didn’t they stay registered?

If, things are as bad for African-Americans as Congressman Lewis says, why do they have to be cattle prodded to register? It’s not as if a proctologic exam is required to get a voter ID card.

It is an inconvenient truth that if every black man in America had voted twice for Obama he would not have been elected without White support.

If waiting in line is proof of racism what are the elections of 2008 and 2012 proof of?

One more thing.

You criticize Governor Scott for wearing boots showing a Confederate flag as one of 5 flags that flew over Florida.

If the flag is removed will that mean – think Orwell – it never flew here?

If we burn all copies of “Birth of a Nation” will that mean that Democratic President Woodrow Wilson never showed it in the White House”

If we don’t mention the Davis-Bacon Act, the most anti-Black Federal law passed in the 20th century, will that mean it never happened?

If we take the name Russell off the Senate Office Building, if we take the names Stennis and Vinson off the bows of 2 nuclear powered aircraft carriers will that make the History of the Democratic Party read that it wasn’t the most racist political party in American History?

Is it racism per se to mention that, so far, all the lady beaters and child abusers in the NFL are African-American or am I confusing correlation with causation?

Of the 60,000,000 abortions in this country since 1973, about 3/8ths have been performed on Black women. The facts would support the use of the word “genocide”, no? Why is there no outrage at that? 23,000,000 African-Americans have gone, absolutely and literally, down the drain. Why are there no choruses of “No justice, no peace” over that?

Alas, we are told that “permutations and emanations” now decide Constitutional issues. Perhaps the right to vote implies an equally vital right not to vote.

Either way, as long as Blacks vote blindly for Democrats they’ll be tossing a two-headed coin that will never come up tails.

Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

September 18, 2014
Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
10100 Pines Blvd
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: An award earned the old fashioned way

Debbie, Debbie,

After reading of your dispute with the Democratic National Committee over their refusal to buy your clothes I then read of your winning a lifetime achievement award from the Suzan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation

The only criterion for winning the award is a positive biopsy for malignancy and the ability to be upright and breathing when you receive it.

I enclose an autographed dollar bill. Please use it to offset the cost of whatever frock you wear you receive this award. I suggest you visit Nick’s Nearly New Shoppe. They have a great selection of – you guessed it – nearly new schmatta.

Lest you think I am a far worse lout than the one who caused you to send the police to my house 13 years ago today – If memory serves that was for something I wrote. So much for the vaunted modern American Liberal love of the First Amendment –
for using cancer as a spring board for scorn and ridicule I too am a cancer survivor.

If you were afflicted with terminal glossolalia you would still be worthy of scorn and ridicule. Come to think of it you are showing some of the symptoms, most notably your ability to sound like different persons when talking about Israel. In Washington you sound like Neville Chamberlain. In Broward County you sound like a cross between Ari ben Canaan, Moshe Dayan, Meir Kahane, and Hyman Roth. So much for the shibboleth that all Jews are smart.

Since 2004 I have had 6 surgeries, a month of radiation and 2 rounds of chemo.

And here’s something I cannot make up.

I am currently being treated for breast cancer.

Were I to win an award for getting cancer and being able to talk about it I promise to pay for whatever clothes I would wear when receiving it

Smarmy, as in smarmy bastard, is a word that usually cannot be modified, quantified, or qualified.

I have spoken to the Elders of the Shrine of Fowler, Strunck & White. They have allowed me the privilege of one specific exception for one today and only if it applies to you.

We know that you are the paradigmatic template used to construct a working model of smarmy bastards, gender bias free and lactose intolerant LGBT friendly.

I add a well and truly earned addition to your crown.


ALL HAIL LITTLE DEBBIE!

THE DOYENNE OF SPENDING OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY!

CHEAP SMARMY BASTARD!





KEVIN SMITH

September 16, 2014
Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
19200 W. Country Club Drive
Aventura, FL 33180

RE: You are like herpes. A gift that keeps on giving

Ms Wasserperson-Schultz,

How tough must it be to be a modern American Liberal, particularly one who is daily in the public eye squaring the circle of lunacies that are demanded of tis votaries?

For example, any discussion of the First Amendment cannot go 2 paragraphs, indeed sometimes 2 sentences, with the obligatory obeisance to the twin Gods of “Slippery Slope” and “Chilling Effect”.

The contradiction is that no one dares to point out that the United States Senate, under the toxic thumb of Harry the Hack and his faithful companion, Little Dick, just spent 4 days trying to undo the First Amendment.

Who can forget, not I surely, that you sent the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, men with badges, men with guns, and men with the full majesty of the Law behind them, to my house, because of something I wrote.

“Free speech for thee but not for me” is the hallmark of wanabee Brown Shirts, AKA modern American Liberals.

There was a time when I thought you weren’t – How to say this delicately? – dumber than a box of hammers. I thought you had broken out of the tight circle of Broward County chick pols who couldn’t tell you what color an orange was.

Stacey Ritter, Miriam Oliphant, Beverly Gallagher, Phyllis Wasserman-Rubin, Sylvia Poitier, Kristin Jacobs leap to mind. What an argument for birth control!

I’ll say this for modern American Liberals.

THEY NEVER LET YOU DOWN





You say, with no fear of being pelted with flaming bags of cat shit, that 10 years of Coca-Cola and M&Ms gave you cancer.

That construct relies heavily on the reasoning that Global Warming causes hot summers which cause Global Warming which causes polar bears to drown and, you guessed it, more Global Warming. And to think that Leonidas and his loyal Spartan Hoplites died at Thermopylae defending critical thinking and Logic from the Persian feral thugs.

I suppose since you haven’t said whether it was M&M plain or M&Ms with nuts that caused all those carcinoid incubuses to visit you the jury is still out as whether you are a Horse’s Ass of truly Homeric proportions or just a regular Horse’s Ass with potential.

I’ll spare you the notion that correlation is not causation, it being a bit too much for the plate of a modern American Liberal since it demands the discipline of critical thinking. People who think raising the minimum wage and taxes will bring an economic resurgence are incapable of either critical thinking or reasoned discourse.

This morning’s attempt for automatic entry into the “What, me worry?” Hall of Fame is your kvetching about bureaucracy in the Army Corps of Engineers.

For a card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberal, someone who believes that the horizon can be reached if enough good people work hard enough at it – Hey! The war on Poverty worked didn’t it? – to complain about bureaucracy is like the vixen complaining that there are too many chickens. In your case, it would be like Nagaina, the Queen Cobra, complaining that there were too many legs to bite.

You complain that it is taking too long to deepen the channel at Port Everglades so as to allow larger ships access. [Here’s a diabolically inconvenient fact to chew on. Since you are boycotting Chick-Fil-A for the odious practice saying what they believe and are contemplating boycotting Burger King for not drinking the Kool-Aid what in the name of Cesar Chavez are you are going to do after I tell you that half of the ships that will benefit from your disturbing manatees and damaging coral reef are carrying stuff bound for Wal-Mart? Since those Midwestern rich White guys stick together the expeditious widening of the ship channel will benefit the Koch Brothers also. Chew on that for a while.]

But here’s where it gets interesting.

Didn’t Candidate Obama pronounce in a most ex cathedra manner while standing in front of the faux Greek columns that he would make the oceans recede? Taking him at his word, after all Camp Gitmo is closed and we are now in our fifth Summer of Recovery, he has made the problem worse.

It will be task for an aquatic Sisyphus.

No matter how much the channel is deepened it will never be deep enough for the big ships to get through. The reason is simple. The damn water is receding. Didn’t the President tell us so? By the way, does anyone know where the water goes? Is this why polar bears are drowning? Did it inspire ISIS/ISIL? How about Ebola? Did it cause teen age bullying, the heartbreak of psoriasis, or discrimination against lactose intolerant transgendered Ritalin resistant ADHD inner city youth?

I guess the Army Corps of Engineers didn’t get the memo.

If the United States sends military personnel wearing Air Jordans to fight on the ground would that fall with the parameters of “No boots on the ground”?




FROM A PROUD GLOBAL WARMER!





Kevin Smith



PS – I hope your husband’s bank merger went smooth and easy. I would hate to think you would need to use Congresswoman Maxine Waters rules of engagement. She described TV shots of her constituents looting a 7-11 as “alternative shopping”, remember? She and her husband are known as Mr. & Mrs. Jesse James. She must have pictures of Obama and Holder doing the two-step in matching tu-tus while being two or three tokes over the line.

September 13, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq.
Berger Singerman
350 E. Las Olas Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Slippery slope” or “chilling effect”, 2 of the most terrifying things caused by Republicans who don’t like dirty movies.

Mr. Berger,

One of the beauties of being a practicing modern American Liberal, one of the most revealing, is the ability to say completely opposite things and make them mean whatever you want them to mean. Move over, Alice.

The United States Senate, under the wise and benevolent hand of Harry the Hack, and his faithful troll, Little Dick Durbin, spent 4 days trying to amend the First Amendment. In case you’ve forgotten it the one that starts with “Congress shall make no law…” That one, remember?

That they wanted to tweak the edges by using a flame thrower is proof that they never bring a knife to a gun fight. At its essence it wants to make money spent by the Koch Brothers on elections illegal whole allowing pelf from George Soros to be spread around like organically grown, vitamin and hormone free, bullshit to swamp the Republic. Orwell was right. All bullshit is equal but modern American liberal bullshit is more equal.

The point here is that smarmy modern American Liberals are paramount purveyors of POO, Perpetually Outraged and Offended. Beyond that they are “eclectically indignant” about what to be eclectically indignant about.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, she of the woeful countenance, the toxic tongue, and hair that makes Medusa wince, says that Republicans are “waging a war on women”. How is that #Bring Back Our Girls working out?

An unarmed Black teenager is shot and killed by a White police officer. Al Sharpton and his bitch butt boy, Eric Holder, have severely knotted knickers over this.

An unarmed White teenager is shot and killed by a Black police officer. Case closed. In fact, case never opened.

Michael Brown and Dillon Taylor. Look them up.

The comparison to Matthew Shepherd and Jesse Dirkhising is apt.

Jesse Dirkhising? It is important to mention his name, like Solzhenitsyn did for his dead jail mates in The Gulag Archipelago, lest he be forgotten.

One of my avocations is raising environmentally sensitive hackles. I now know that the ozone layer, the rascally imp that Vice President Alpha Gump told us was going over the hill 20 years – scratch that – 23 years ago has a great effect on my precious hackles. It has come back with a vengeance suggesting that based on their spectacular growth the Summer of Recovery may yet be upon us.

Nah. Just kidding.

Anyway, I was whelmed by a plethora of ozone. I had to work double time to get the crop in.

My next big move is to sell the stuff.

Market research indicates that the pompous farts who declare themselves to be part-time vegans will buy the stuff by the car load. It is always good to note that Hitler was, inter alia, the first prominent vegan of the 20th century.

Scratch a modern American Liberal and you get a browns shirt wanabee.

Is it ISIL or ISIS?

Is it a war or is it “round up the usual suspects”?

How is #bringbackourgirls working out?

Get back to me.




Kevin Smith

September 3, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq.
Berger Singerman
350 E. Las Olas Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE “Guide for the Perplexed”? Mite auxilium!

Mr. Berger,

Although I am not Jewish the man who founded my Church was. Indeed, I am proud to say that many of my friends, especially some of my best friends, are Jewish.

So when I heard the President of the United States say last week that he “had no strategy” I was dumbfounded. Even if he didn’t why in the name of History would he say that? Franklin Roosevelt sent Chester Nimitz to Pearl Harbor on Christmas, 1941 with the following strategy: “Don’t come back until you’ve won.” Admiral William Halsey had a strategy of broadcasting his position in plain language if he had not contacted the enemy in 3 days.

Then I heard the Vice President of the United States say it was time to “take our country back”. Now that’s a strategy. Even though the Attorney General of the United States said 2 weeks ago that saying “take our country back’ is prima facie proof of racism that didn’t stop Curley. [I call him Curley in honor of the smartest Stooge. By the by, his classmates at Auchmere Academy, a posh prep school on par with, I don’t know, the Buckley School, called him Cheese Dick. Even though the only “blue collar” this ninny saw there was from Brooks Brothers, Polo not yet having arrived, or the guy stoking the furnace, he the mAL friend of the working class. Go figure.]

Then I heard the President of the United States imitating Mrs. Clinton when she took a futile White modern American Liberal middle-aged calorically challenged yenta stab at trying to sound like she grew up in Liberty City. [Another trait common to mALs is the duo of having no shame plus the impossibility of ever embarrassing them]

Can you believe that Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Medusa, the official shill for the Democratic Party, expanded her spiel by announcing that, having eaten M&Ms and having drunk Coca-Cola for 10 years, her brand loyalty was rewarded with cancer?

It that’s true we can save a barge filled with dough by shutting down the Sylvester Clinic at the University of Miami, Sloane-Kettering and the Langone Clinics in Manhattan, M.S. Anderson in Houston, and MD Farber in Boston.

All those years, all those patients, all that chemo, all that jazz about cancer being cured when all along it was right in front of us.

She doesn’t say if all M&Ms were carcinogenic or just the peanut ones.

I said, half-jokingly, that your penance would be to ride down Las Olas Boulevard, tied to a mule and facing backwards, so the children could pelt you with flaming bags of cat shit. That’s a strategy.

Get 3 more.

One for the President, one for the Vice President, and one for the Attorney General. You’ll have to double up with Debbie. That’s another strategy.

Since you mentioned Churchill there is a needed addendum.

Chamberlain in Parliament said the Czechs were “a faraway people of whom we know little”. Churchill said that we had to choose “between shame and war and having chosen shame we will have war”.

5 years ago the President went all over Wogsville apologizing for supposed sins 1,000 years old. He said that if you “unclench your fist we will extend our hand”. The Arab Spring died aborning. So much for that strategy.

Perhaps he may want to pardon Sirhan Sirhan. No one in this country has been imprisoned longer for the same type of crime. Free him for the sake of peace. Take a chance. That’s a strategy

Kipling was one of Churchill’s favorite poets. He warned against “paying the Dane his geld”. That was then; this is now.

Strategy, strategy. My kingdom for a strategy.

The Clerk implores God to bless the United States as the Supreme Court comes to order. When have we ever needed God’s blessings more than now?

Kevin Smith

PS – Speaking of strategy, the takeover of Chrysler by Fiat is now complete. Thus we have a former iconic American company, now owned by an Italian company, making Jeeps in China. The Eye-Ties are doing un grande tarantella because it was financed by the American taxpayer. Talk about strategy! Maybe we can get the Shias interested in bringing a resurrected Solyndra to Detroit. If we could get the Sunnis interested we could have a bidding war. “I’ll retire to Bedlam.” Now that’s a strategy.

September 1, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq.
Berger, Singerman
350 E. Las Olas Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33316

RE: Thanks a lot

Mr. Berger,

Thanks for ruining my Labor Day celebration.

I was a Teamster.

I personally paid dues to Anthony “Tony Pro” Provenzano at the local HQ on Bergenline Avenue in Union City, NJ. He was a remarkable guy who was known for 2 things: 1 – He was always good for a table of 10 at any decent charity dinner in Hudson County. The people who got the comped tickets were straight from the open call for a revival of “Guys and Dolls” and – 2- he gave new meaning to the term “Never take no for an answer”.

I negotiated with coals miners for 7 years.

The UMW tradition of coming up for lunch and putting 20 or 30 rounds into the side of the mountain was ongoing when I got there. If hand guns are ever banned in this country don’t worry about the South Bronx, Liberty City, or all of Chicago. Forget about “Boots on the Ground” in Iraq or Kafiristran. Harlan County, Kentucky and Herndon, West Virginia will be competing for the Charlton Heston “From my cold dead hands” award. Trust me.

I used to get empty mayonnaise jars filled with shine from my West Virginia miners. [There is a classic scene in John Ford’s “Fort Apache” involving Henry Fonda, Victor McLaglen and some confiscated, contrbandv whiskey. Since those 3 shared X Academy Awards it has to be good. Fonda asks McLaglen for his opinion of the whiskey. He takes a second drink while still grimacing from the first and says, “Well sir, it’s better than no whiskey at all”. After 3 decades its taste still astonishes my palate.]

I was going to kick back with some manatee sushi and some cheap red wine and think of the glory days of John Altgeld, Joe Hill, Samuel Gompers, Joe Yablonsky, Cesar Chavez, the SEIU thugs beating up old Black guys in wheelchairs, and the AFSCME goons telling the lady members of the Wisconsin legislature to go fuck themselves.

Then I read your blurb in the Sun Sentinel about the next Governor of Florida being able to have 4 low tides a day, to improve education by giving everyone a bachelor’s degree at birth, by doing away with both good and bad cholesterol by banning hogs and chocolate ice cream and by substituting Demerol and lidocaine with tofu, by introducing high speed public transit powered by excessive bovine and orvine eructations, and by guaranteeing the sanctity of our environment by giving manatees and alligators a preferential vote – no photo ID required.

You cite Winston Churchill, surely as famous a high school dropout as we have ever seen. Churchill was huge fan of Dr. Johnson – Samuel, not Lyndon. One of his great lines was “Such stupidity, sir, is not to be found in nature”.

To which I add, “Present company included”.

This note began life with one sentence:

On the 7th day I rested.

You are like the Sirens of yore. Irresistible.





Kevin Smith

September 1, 2014
Mary Sanchez
The Kansas City Star

RE: I say you said she said he did – Some comments on your column in today’s Miami Herald proclaiming permanent beatific status for Anita Hill while lamenting that not enough calumny and billingsgate has been heaped on the head of Clarence Thomas who, among his other crimes, stays silent during oral arguments before the Supreme Court

Ms. Sanchez,

It’s been awhile. I hope your list of targets is ever increasing. Exactly how close to Wichita is Kansas City? Watch out for the Koch Brothers. They have knives longer than their memories, particularly for modern American Liberal chick scribes who cross them.

I am sure you are aware of POO. It stands for Perpetually Outraged and Offended. As the founder and owner I hereby make you head of the Kansas City coven. For a small emolument, a tax-deductible one, I can grant regional manager status. This gives you the authority to grant other franchises enabling you to have a permanent Summer of Recovery without having to dirty your hands with “shovel ready” jobs.

But I digress.

Would not Logic dictate that if Anita Hill is to be believed solely on her allegations that Paula Jones and Juanita Broderick should be also?

Modern American Liberals, living in the surreal world of believing that expectations - e.g. End Poverty Now – are more important than results – e.g. The 50 year old War on Poverty – and believing that the accusation is far worse, you know what I’m saying, then what actually happened, always make the narrative and the facts, however parlous, mesh.

I am sorry you are afflicted by genderaphobia. As a Board Certified Life Coach I discovered that some chicks need the handy excuse of testosterone deprivation for absolutely everything bad that has happened or will happen to them, their family, their gender, their country, or their planet.

Back in the glory days of Jimmy Carter – And is it possible for the dude in the White House now to make the world miss that putz? He’s trying, Lord knows he’s really trying – I told my daughter that she was throwing like a girl. “I am a girl”, was her profoundly appropriate response.

[One of the reasons why girls throw like girls is because their humerus is shorter in relation to their radius and ulna than it is in boys. Honest. Look it up. As long as I am digressing still more let me ask if you know whether or not Wordsworth is still on the ChickLitShitList? As I am in the panful process of “unbooking” myself I need professional help as to which ones I should keep, which ones I can safely give to others, and which ones I should consign to the paper shredder, book burning being frowned on by strict environmentalists.]

In re Supreme Court nominations and the Conservative War on Women it is still wonderfully ironic how the process derailed Judge Bork

One of the things he was accused of was taking a part-time job editing law articles while he was on the Bench. His wife was dying of cancer and he needed some extra income to make her final time a bit less painful. It is something with which I am very familiar. It was an extra thumb on the scale.

The irony comes from the fact that had Judge Bork become Justice Bork Alpha Gump, AKA Senator Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. would have been President.

Anyway, it is still confusing. That’s why I can’t wait for Hillary who will have a Rubenesque ass an ax handle and a half wide and a gut that will make Buddha look like Gandhi by the time she is sworn in to explain things.

The country needs a purgative.

Her RESET button will do wonders for us. A country –wide colonic, delivered by a caring, nurturing lady is all we need.




Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

August 31, 2014
Letter to the Editor
The Washington Post
1150 15th Street
Washington, D.C.20071

Sirs or Madame,

As President of the Broward County North of the Airport/South of Las Olas POO [Perpetually Outraged and Offended] I compliment you on your jihad against the damned 1%ers – doubtless all of whom are in some sort of thralldom to the notorious Koch Brothers – who benefit from the continued use of the name “Redskins” as in Washington Redskins.

You are a beacon to the Wretched of the Earth, to those who are perpetually Under the Lion’s Paw, to those who were/are/will be “unlucky in life’s lottery”, to those who clean the bed pans, who tend to the elderly and the infirm, to those who wipe the noses and the bums of the neglected children of the layabout rich.

Keep fighting the good fight.

May I suggest some new targets now that the rice is cooked in the brouhaha over the “Redskins”?

It’s time for retroactive outrage to rule the day. Vengeance and retribution are mine, say modern American Liberals, our coal mine canaries when it comes to really important things.

Fix your beam of righteous indignation on these 3 names.

Senator Richard Russell
Senator John Stennis
Congressman Carl Vinson

They are remembered and celebrated today by the Richard Russell Senate Office Building, by the USS John Stennis, and by the USS Carl Vinson.

Everyone has good traits.

Hitler was the 20th century’s first public vegan. He banned smoking in his presence. Plus, his love for animals and his kindness towards non-Semitic children was legendary. A good start by today’s standards, no?

Hindsight is always 20/20. We know now that he had some blind spots.

Thus the careers of Senator Russell, Senator Stennis, and Congressman Vinson should be viewed in their entirety.

That they were polite, even courtly, well-educated Southern gentlemen was a given. That they served their country according to a Code of Honor that is now forgotten is also stipulated to. That they were paragons of probity and propriety still redounds to their credit.

That they were stone cold racists who spent their entire public lives trying to stop little Black boys from going to school with little White girls by trying to repeal the 13th, the 14th, and the 15th Amendments to the Constitution must never be forgotten.

It is an inconvenient fact that requires constant sunshine to be thrust on it but they were not alone. Add Senators Ervin, Gore, and Fulbright to that Honor Roll also. They got there the old fashioned way: they earned it.

Start by denaming those ships.

Shirley Chisholm, Saul Alinsky – and I am still trying to get a copy of Mrs. Clinton’s senior thesis on him – Bella Abzug, Alger Hiss, Walter Jenkins, Henry Wallace, Walter Duranty, and Mary Jo Kopechne are some names that leap to mind for possible replacement names for them.

Get Russell’s name of that building. Maybe Senator Harrison Williams should get a good look. Skip Senators Eastland, Long, Bilbo, and Sparkman. Can it be just a coincidence that all the elected officials I named were Democrats. Nah.

Nat Turner, Mr. Bojangles, Trayvon Martin, and now Michael Brown cry out for justice.

There is no time to waste.

Meanwhile, how about the Washington Woblies?





Kevin Smith

August 30, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq
Berger, Singerman
350 E. Las Olas Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: As promised…

Mr. Berger,

First, the good news.

In a rare display of political comity a prominent Republican and a prominent Democrat have reached across the aisle, each to help the other. By this public display of harmony they may have made it possible to, if not to make government more productive, at least to make it less rancorous.

Republican Governor Chris Christie had lap band surgery last year enablinghim to lose more than 100 pounds. That loss did not go to waste. Czarina wanabee Democrat Hillary Clinton was the first to find it, She promptly added it to her waist. [Since I am calorically challenged I get a “get out of jail free” card so there

Governor Christie, known as a fierce advocate of recycling, worried that his pre-surgery suits would go to waste, so to speak. He tried to give them to America’s Cup yachtsmen to use them as sails for their 12 meter boats. The declined because the New York Yacht Club prohibits plaid sails, however muted and understated they may be.

Anyway, as soon as the Governor found out that Mrs. Clinton, having been reclassified as freight, was racking up frequent flyer miles on flying the friendly skies with UPS and FedEx.

Hillary is proof that nothing succeeds like excess. 6 rumkins of crème brulee, a gallon of whipping cream, an extra-large sausage pizza, and 2 quarts of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream being force fed to her every day as if she were a feral thug at Camp Gitmo will do that

It seems that her childhood idols – Oliver Hardy, Buddha, Alfred Hitchcock, Pooh, inter alia – served as role models. It is not unusual for her to have un grande media noche, 2 short stacks, and a pound of bacon before she heads out to the all you can eat buffet breakfast at the Injun casino

How fat is she?

She has spandex handkerchiefs.

One of the serendipities of her wearing Christie’s suits is that she won’t need a gallon of WD40 to get those thunder thighs into the pants. By the time it gets to the 2016 campaign she is going to have an ass so wide that you could set a chowder bowl on it.

Fairness and diversity requires me to say that Michelle Obama’s ass is getting close to Bella Abzug territory.

It should be quite a bidding war between Weight-Watchers and Nutri-System for her in 2017.

Who says the Voice of the Turtle cannot be heard in our fair land?

But I digress.

As promised….

We are, as Churchill said, “in a time of limitless peril”. It’s our fault. We, not I mind you, but we, voted for him twice. His skills as a community activist have not served him or we well. Indeed, the only concrete thing he ever did was to get a one million dollar – that’s $1,000,000 – earmark for the University of Chicago Hospital, his wife’s employer. Would it make me a cad to point out that she got a two thousand dollar – repeat - $2,000 a week raise right after the check cleared?

Coincidence? Sure. And the Cubs will win the World Series this year, too.

Meanwhile, in the real world, Putin looks at him and says “What a putz!”

He then says he has “no strategy”. It’s a shame we outlawed flogging.

There was a time when a Democratic President had, if not a strategy at least a plan, for this country.

He said were “tempered by war and disciplined by a bitter peace”. You may wish to look it up but the main theme of his campaign was to close the “missile gap”. [That the sitting President, having led 10,000,000 into battle and having Hitler eat his gun 11 months and 2 days after he landed in France would allow this nation to fall into peril is almost laughable but it worked, didn’t it?]

He said “we dare not tempt them with weakness”. It is another lesson, if we have the time, that we will have to learn again.

Finally, he said it “…is a long twilight struggle, year in, year out” that we are engaged in. Apologizing to all the thugs in the world and then wondering why they still piss in our soup, ignoring our Constitution and shunning the Rule of Law, and not having a clue as to what makes the dog hunt when it comes to “creating” jobs is a one way express ticket to Avernus.

Sir Arnold Lunn, surely one of the great men of the 20th century, coined the phrase “eclectic indignation” to describe the thought processes of modern American Liberals.

A Black teenager shot dead by a White policeman is evil and proof positive of racism. A White teenager shot dead by a Black policeman is down the memory hole never to see sunlight again.

Matthew Shepherd is mourned and idolized. The name Jesse Dirkhising is forgotten.

Koch Brothers – Bad. George Soros and Tom Steyer – Good.

Big oil – Bad. Solyndra – Good

Warren Buffett – Good. OOPS. Warren Buffett – Bad

No wonder ObamaCare encourages chiropractors.

Your backs make cork screws look like the 50 yard line.



Kevin Smith

August 27, 2014
Mitchel Berger, Esq.
Berger, Singerman
350 E. Las Olas Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Sometimes the easy answer is the right one. More delightful musings from a local fan of Publius.

Mr. Berger,

Ockham lives! Willie’s parents would be proud.

If, as you say, “ocean addification, AKA climate change and global warming”, has led to “seal level rise”, the solution may be obvious.

If “ocean addification” leads to the drowning of polar bears and the subsequent “seal level rise” might not ocean subtratification lead to an increase in polar bears? What is obvious is that wherever there in an increase in polar bears the question of ‘seal level rise” is solved. Apex predators, when left to their own devices, keep the neighborhood neat and tidy.

I have fallen under the Homer Simpson mantra. “Don’t make me choose.” Should I don my “Proud Global Warmer” hat or is it time for my “Right-Wing Conspirator” cap to reappear?

Only a highly trained and very successful modern American Liberal could say that “preparation and change of habit and innovation are what is needed right now to propel us to a better future for our descendants”. I did not know that you had hired Professor Irwin Corey to write for you. Only a card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberal could, deep down, believe and proselytize such stuff and nonsense.

Then you say, supposedly with a straight face and rubber knickers to help when you pee in your pants as you chew through your tongue waiting for multiple cream pies to slam into your mug, “Our ancestors used these qualities to get us where we are. Don’t we owe the same to future generations?”

One of the traits, one of the most annoying traits, common to modern American Liberals is guilt, both collective and individual. You say “these phenomena [High tide? Really, really high tides? Teenage obesity? Bud Light? Disintermediation? The Ebola 2 Step? Krakatoa? Cholera? Lactose intolerant underemployed LGBT community advisors? The electoral college? Acid rain? Well done ribeyes? Leisure suits? Predatory lending? Rap music? The Kardashians? Debbie Wasserman Medusa? Non-White Christmases? The Tea Party? The Republican House? White after Labor Day? Autumn leaves? Fracking? Malaria?] are happening and they are traced to human conduct.”

EGO TE ABSOLV

Only someone who IVs Narcissism, only someone who yearns for a Solipsism enema believes that you have done, can do, and will do things that “will cool the planet and cause the sea level to drop.” after you have done something to cause them to happen.

If you were a woman you would always be pregnant.

This is a form of intellectual cocaine for which there is no 12 step program. In the real world, in the world where “stones are hard and water is wet”, polite people turn away from such balderdash. That they do so at their peril is abundantly clear.

Your penance is to ride backwards on a burro down Las Olas Boulevard wearing a sign that says “I am a horse’s ass. Fling bags [no plastic, please] of cat shit at me.”

Skip the cap conundrum.

It’s time to dig out my “Sounds like Bullshit to me” tee shirt.

My forefathers were thankful for the chance to clear the land, to drain the swamps, to plant the fields, to mine the coal, to fight the wars, all the while nurturing an American exceptionalism that is the envy of the world. If that not so why do people still risk death to get here? Twice in the 20th century saved the world. They codified the rights, not given to us by any king, but those that were ours at birth, “gifts from beyond the stars”. Along the way they planted the country “thick with laws, from coast to coast” to protect us from each other and, most importantly, from the heavy hand of government.

Indeed I find it passing strange that while lawyers may be knowledgeable about case law they are woefully ignorant of the Constitution. Put simply, the Constitution tells us what our government can do while the Bill of Rights tells us what government cannot do. In case you haven’t noticed the First Amendment begins with 5 majestic words. “Congress shall make no law…”

I say this because I have 3 granddaughters, collectively known as My Texas Ladies. If I have any patrimony to pass on to them it will be the Trivium, the other jewels of Western Civilization, the Athens/Jerusalem/Rome axis, the scientific method, the Rule of Law, reasoned discourse, the 2500 year old declaration that “free men speak with free tongues”, and the simple truth that “man will not only endure but he will prevail”.

If the furbish lousewort or feral Muslims interfere with that transfer History has told us what to do.

I am going to my local Burger King for a snack that Michele Obama would outlaw if she had the chance. I am proud to say that since I discovered the 20th century’s first public vegan was Adolph Hitler I never let a day go by without pledging allegiance to PETA. [That’s short for People Eating Tasty Animals.]

I am glad to see the Constitutional proscription in re bills of attainder still applies. That Willie Horton’s 4th child, Tom Horton, was able to move to Canada and open a restaurant business so successful that American businesses are scrambling to be owned by him is proof positive that sins of the father are not visited upon the son.

The next tutorial will be about the relearning of lessons first given to us in the inaugural address of John Kennedy. I promise I won’t mention his love of tax cuts.

Had any close shaves lately?






Kevin Smith

August 26, 2014
Rhonda Swan
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Some comments on your unlinkable column on race and murder in the Sun Sentinel on 8/25/14.

Ms. Swan,

In medieval times cartographers, having run out of names to put on the edges of their flat maps, put the words terra incognita on the margins. It meant no one knows what is there. Further, it oft-times included the words sunt leones there. They meant that should you get there safely watch out that the dragons don’t ruin your day.

Thus I take pen in hand, somewhat warily, because of past experiences with irate modern American Liberals, and enter the “R”, as in Race, gauntlet. These are lists where White entrants are judged not by results or even expectations but solely by the perceptions of those holding the cudgels.

“Are you a racist” will be answered right after “When did you stop beating your wife” is answered.

As Yeats, another prototypical 20th century DWEM, said,

“I prefer order to chaos”.

You say

“The protestors want the lives of young black men to matter.”

Now that Detroit has been dropped from the 3rd tier to unrated in the Premier League of American cities, Chicago is as modern an American Liberal city as can be imagined. Chicago waits breathlessly each month for the release of last month’s murder rates. The city fathers say Thank God and/or Allah be Praised when Baghdad retains its title as the murder capitol of the universe. If the feral WOGs there weren’t killing each other in a monotonously metronomic manner Chicago would no longer be the “Second City” in mayhem. [The police chief of Detroit has forever shattered the modern American liberal template of gun control is good by telling the citizens that they should arm themselves.

A quick look at those toe tagged in the murder corner of the Cook County Morgue shows, screams, that the victims are overwhelmingly young, overwhelmingly Black, and overwhelmingly male. That there should be a separate listing for the “alleged” victims 8 and under will be addressed in the next Summer of Recovery racially diverse budget planning committee.

“After the first death there are no others.”

While it is true that a White man wrote that it is equally true that

“Ask not for whom the bell tolls”

was also written by another melanin challenged bard.

tu quoque is a device much favored by Sophists to buttress a point. Are you aware of the similarities of the deaths of Michael Brown in Missouri and Dillon Taylor in Utah? Both were unarmed teenagers who were shot to death by policemen, Brown by a White policeman and Taylor by a Black policeman. Both unarmed teenagers are going to be dead for a very long time. On the surface there appear to be things in both worthy of national media attention. I am unaware of any calls for the home address of the Utah policeman. I may be wrong but I don’t think the Attorney General will be sending FBI shock troops to investigate.

Would I be tip-toeing in dangerous territory if I were to say that Blacks killing Blacks and Blacks killing Whites is worth a media yawn while Whites killing Blacks brings out vitriol unheard since racist Democrats ruled Congress?

I mention racist Democrats because while POO – The Perpetually Outraged and Offended – is greatly exorcized over the name Redskins Senator John Stennis [D-MI,], Representative Carl Vinson [D-GA] and Senator Richard Russell [D-GA] have been honored by their colleagues. The first 2 have nuclear aircraft carriers named after them and the 3rd one has his name on a Senate office building. Whatever else they were they were stone cold racists. The 3 of them would have done President Wilson proud. As Senator Dole said in 1996, “Where’s the outrage?”

Please tell me why one death in Missouri causes screams of outrage with calls for vengeance posing as justice while multiple murders in Chicago stand mute and unmourned? Take a shot, so to speak, at the events in Utah.



Kevin Smith
White non-Hispanic
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

August 24, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq.
350 E. Las Olas Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL. 33301

RE: Some impressions of “Risky Business” past the pretty pictures

Mr. Berger,

My devotion to James Joyce and how he changed the English language by yanking it by its “embarrassing short and curlies” and making it march in a new direction made me pause when I came across “addification” as in “ocean addification”. It was like watching “a new planet swim into my ken”.

My electronic search defined it – not by etymology but by example – by saying how more catsup enhanced the hamburger experience. I knew exactly what it meant when the second example was of how a tight sweater increased a lady’s zoftigness.

I think it would be fair to say that “ocean addification” is the same as a large balloon filled with pancake batter. When you push one side of it the contents shift to another side. No more, no less. Just rearranged, right?

In the same paragraph I saw “climate change” and “global warming” used as synonyms. My devotion to the great Dr. Johnson – Samuel, not Lyndon – caused me to create a new word: GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction. I don’t know whether you know it or not but a lot of strange things happen every year in September about 1,000 miles North of here. The leaves change color; temperatures drop; the wind picks up; apple cider appears; kids put on costumes for Halloween; year after year after year after year.

Wazupwidat?

One of the action photos in your tract shows a woman in Galveston, TX being rescued from roiling waters caused by a hurricane. For the record is that the nameless hurricane of 1908, the one that got to Texas without any help from a rapacious, planet destroying, fossil fuel consuming despoiling selfish, mostly White, wanabee 1%ers, or was it from a later properly named one?

Incidentally, the action shot of the New York Stock Exchange “under water after Hurricane Sandy” has 2 errors, neither of which is larger than a man’s fist on the horizon. Hurricane Sandy was not a hurricane. It was not even close. The highest recorded wind was 57 MPH.

It may be de minimis but I am sure your firm has billed countless clients myriad hours parsing the difference between “may” and “will”, right?



Law rightfully uses curves and soft edges to make or prove a hard point. In science, any science, there can be no small errors. “Rounding errors” do not exist in the laboratory.

[One of my ideas to increase FCAT scores while increasing the self-esteem of inner city youth, many of whom live in single parent homes, usually run by women of color who are exploited by the low prices of Walmart and made more unemployable when modern American Liberals help her by raising the minimum wage, was to change
Pi from 3.1416 to 3.0. Geometry scores would soar. That buildings and bridges would fall down is of no great import. It would be reason for a never ending “shovel ready “ jobs program in a perpetual “Summer of Recovery”.

In another action photo you show a Black man wading in the street in Immokalee “after Hurricane Wilma”.

Have you ever been to Immokalee? How about Belle Glades? They are both less than an hour from the Breakers in Palm Beach and from Worth Street shoppes. [The Breakers and Worth Street are on par with the Dorchester and Jermyn Street, both in London]

I am positive that in the 50 years since Lyndon Johnson declared war on gravity no Hoplite-led phalanx of the brigades of the War on Poverty has ever been there. If they were and they used the typical weapon of money somebody should be arrested.

Hey! Rome had 3 Punic Wars. It took the British from 1775 to 1815 to settle the tab with the French. The Serbs and the Croats have been scrapping for 800 years. Ditto the Sunni and the Shias only with them it’s 14 centuries. The Greeks and the Turks have been avoiding conflict resolution seminars for 30 centuries. [To put that last number in perspective Ptolemy came and went as the unquestioned top dog in the “settled science” of astronomy] Modern American Liberals are right. Just because it didn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t the second or the third or the fourth or the sixteenth or whatever. You go, Sisyphus!

It may be time for that mythical Washington Post headline

World Ending
Women and Minorities will suffer disproportionately


That’s enough for now. I’ll be back. You give me a target rich environment with no daily limits.



Kevin Smith

PS – Your 51 page multi-colored neo-Jeremiad tract is absolute irrefutable proof of one adage. 4 members of your team – Bloomberg, Paulson, Rubin, Steyer - share one common trait. That they are incalculably wealth is beyond doubt. Croesus would cringe in shame. There are not enough zeros and commas to accommodate their collective net worth. The empirically self-evident adage, the one my sainted mother told me, years ago, is

A fool and his money are soon parted.

PS2 – Everyone has the right to throw money off the back of a moving train. At least these 4 swells are tossing their own. Traditional modern American Liberals don’t care whose money gets the heave. That’s why in 2009 they thanked God and/or Allah for the existence of mendacious Mandarin money lenders.

PS3 – I read where your wife went to high school with Tom Steyer. Do you think she could find out if he ever filed any Subchapter ‘S’ tax returns? John Edwards, remember him, did it all the time. That way he ducked the Medicare tax. See if she can find out.

PS4 – What is the Rhodium Group? I see where they supplied you with all your data. I counted pictures of 17 doubtless multi-talented, multi-degreed individuals who make up the visible part of the Rhodium Group. What’s their payroll? Who funds them? Are they a for profit company? I ask this because any time a tree hugging brown shirted Cossack reads a report on the environment that does not condemn energy companies their funding is always thought to be tainted. Are tax returns and certified financial statements available? If not, why not. [In Rhetoric that is known as denying the major premise] Get back to me, OK?

PS5 – I’m going to tell you a secret that rational people use to discover secret boobs of the sky is falling school. Anytime anyone anywhere begins to say that correlation is the same as causation it is a sure sign that the dumb bastard couldn’t find his ass using both of his hands. Honest.

PS6 – Who caused the California earthquake? GW deniers or the Tea Party? Stay tuned.

PS6 – I must tell you that when I was typing this I donned my ball cap emblazoned with



PROUD GLOBAL WARMER

August 22, 2014

Mitchell Berger, Esq.
Berger Singerman
350 E Las Olas Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

Mr. Berger,

I received your letter and a copy of “Risky Business” – not the Tom Cruise opus of the same name – this morning. I am most appreciative. I like it when the fish compete to see who can first jump into the barrel wearing a sign saying in flashing letters “Shoot me first, please.”

May I comment on 2 Risky Business Risk Committee members?

Robert Rubin formally withdrew as a partner of Goldman Sachs and liquidated his holdings on December 27, 1992. He became Assistant Secretary of the Treasury when Bill Clinton was sworn in as President. Lloyd Bentsen was the Secretary of the Treasury. I mention Bentsen because he was the Vice Presidential candidate in 1988. Wee Mikey Dukakis was the Presidential candidate. [Although he is remembered for many notable things – He was the Governor who furloughed a murdering rapist named Willie Horton who, can you believe it, raped and murdered again. What’s Willie boy doing these days? Some people never let you down. Who can forget the picture of Mikey driving a tank? I can’t. It stood unchallenged until Jay Forbes Kerry decided to dress up as a friggin’ rabbit, the better to capture the trans-gendered, lactose-intolerant Peter Cottontail/Easter Bunny vote in 2004. Honest. Look it up.] You may recall that Bentsen spent a lot of campaign time explaining why he was able to charge lobbyists $10,000…for breakfast. For 10 large I want to see that chicken lay ginormous Guinness Book eggs]

In March/April, 1993 Rubin recommended a personal income tax increase retroactive to January 1, 1993. Any pre-New Year’s Eve transactions slipped under the IRS radar. The hint of smarminess abounded.

Coincidence?

I hope not. I was born and raised as an Irish-Catholic in Bayonne, NJ. That’s at the good end of Hudson County. My father, the legendary Judge Smith, used to tell me that “Men Working” signs in the street were Republican propaganda. One of life’s important lessons, learned coincidental with the weaning process, was the ability to tell the buttered side from the dry.

Coincidence?

As Jeeves said to Bertie, “They happen as often as you find a trout in the milk”.

Anyway, by 2002 he and the Rasputin look-a-like, Paul Krugman, both were shilling for Enron. You have to hand it to those 1%ers. “Whose wine I drink whose song I sing” is a sweet tune indeed for those who hunt where the ducks are.

My favorite Donna Shalala moment – other than the tape of her audition as the parrot sitting on Janet Reno’s shoulder in the failed musical, Long John Silver, The First Disabled Pirate is of her in the Oval Office with President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs. It was August, 1997. He had just given a press conference in the Rose Garden. August in DC is either unbearably hot or unbelievingly unbearably hot. The President of the United States, a man with one hand on the nuclear trigger and the other one up Monica’s blue dress, told the nation it was hot because of Global Warming. He then said that Global Warming was caused by, you guessed it, hot days in August.

He was stretching the edges of the envelope labeled “Philandering Presidential Perjurers” to include “Tautologies As A Way Of Life – It Sure Beats The Hell Out Of the Scientific Method”.

Meanwhile, back in the Oval Office, Ms Shalala was advising the President about “Midnight Basketball” or some such mush-brained, nit-witted modern American Liberal gravity defying public policy proposal, when she said “What difference does it make? We’ll all be dead from AIDS in 10 years.”

I am still thankful for the 10 extra years she gave me in 1997.

You may recall “The Population Bomb” by Paul Ehrlich, Ph.D., [of course, Ph.D, of course] in 1969.

He said we would all be dead by 2000. The only mystery was whether we would starve to death before we froze. I think that the absence of protein makes us more susceptible to hypothermia but what do I know?

Wait a minute!

Did I say “freeze”? You betcha.

In 1969 the “science was settled”. Global Cooling was the culprit.

Speaking of “settled science”, Ptolemy was the top dog in astronomy for 15 centuries. That’s 1,500 years. Whatever happened to him? Let me know if you hear anything about him. Him, Judge Crater, and the Malaysian air plane. Whodathunk.

How soon can we expect the announcement about your firm no longer handling real estate transactions that have anything g to do with water? Will you be turning off your A/Cs soon? When will you mandate public transportation only for your employees – non partners? You say “we owe it to future generations”.

How many more polar bears must drown before you show us the way?

I may need counsel. Although the statute has probably run you can’t be too sure when you’re dealing with tree hugging Cossacks. In the 1970s I used to finish my AM ablutions by firing a healthy dollop of Right Guard out the bathroom window. It was the least I could do to hasten the demise of the Ozone Layer. Before he became Vice President Senator Alpha Gump, the noted Tennessee slum lord who was raised in the Shoreham Hotel where he was served pulp free orange juice and toast with the crusts removed and cut diagonally by Uncle Ben looking Black men who wore white gloves, would hector the country about the dangers of a world free of Ozone.

I felt proud that I had done my part.

Anyway, having already been the victim of police visits because of something I had written to or about modern American Liberal politicians – Think Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Miriam Oliphant, to name 2 – who knows what these fans of furbish louseworts will do. [By the way, can you tell me why the EPA needs automatic weapons and trigger happy SWAT teams?]

Detective Joe Kessling of the Criminal Investigations Division of the Broward Sheriff’s Office told me I had “nothing to worry about”. I said, “You have a badge and a fucking gun. What do you mean I have nothing to worry about?” Satire in Broward County, in modern American Liberal Broward County, is an alien concept.

If you think my response is one toe over the line of argumentum ad hominen you are right. Since the arguments of the lunatic Luddites who want to do away with electricity and the snake oil grifters who speak for them always begin with some combination of argumenta ad absurdum and/or ad captandum I can’t afford the luxury of civil discourse.

Your assignment is to get your hands on and your mind around one of the oldest fallacies in the world. After 25 centuries it prospers because it is easier than thinking. The trait most necessary in a modern American Liberal is to confuse feeling with ideas. The Trivium takes no prisoners.


POST HOC ERGO PROPTER HOC

Lysenko would be proud.



Kevin Smith

August 21, 2014
Chan Lowe
The Sun Sentinel

Mr. Lowe,

At the core of modern American Liberalism, in the kiln where warp and woof are double helixed, is the certainty that helping people, particularly those who can’t help themselves, is a good and noble thing. It enables card carrying, fire breathing zealots – as if there were any other kind, particularly in Broward County, the home of manatee suffrage – to ignore facts that interfere with an argument and to never, ever judge things by results, only by expectations. With this comes the responsibility of being firm and resolute when the untermenschen won’t finish their tofu and endive smoothies or won’t take their organic sensitivity pill.

Alas, your cartoon depicting Governor Scott not subscribing to the school of “If we don’t drown we’ll burn to death” is unlinkable.

Since Broward County is the epicenter of modern American Liberalism, a place of muted enthusiasm as we end the 5th year without the Messiah of a Summer of Recovery” tap dancing down the Intracoastal, there is the heightened need and obligation to help somebody, anybody.

I have been asking the Sun Sentinel since 1997 to take the lead, to be a trailblazer, to “walk the walk” on Global Warming. My request has been simple: Turn off all you A/Cs and demand that all your employees use public transportation getting to and from work.

The reason is crystal clear a la Tanqueray.

45% of the electricity generated in this country comes from burning coal. 50% of that electricity goes to run A/Cs.

Ergo, if you turn off all you’re A/Cs you strike a blow against coal, the Koch Brothers, bitter clingers and Tea Party dudes and dudesses, It would be ungentlemanly of me to comment on modern American Liberal hedge fund gasillioniaire Tom Steyer who has mined and sold millions of tons of high sulfur, AKA “dirty”, coal to the Chinese and Indonesians so I shan’t. Also the serendipity is that you help undrown all those polar bears.

Every year I ask and every year you put your head in the sand.

I have a new plan.

Despite overwhelming evidence of rising sea levels there is no end to people who want to buy waterfront property.
An acre of bay front property on Biscayne Bay just sold for $1,000,000,000. That’s “B” as in Billion. I understand that he closing was at low tide lest buyer’s remorse scotch the sale

The rule of res ipso loquitur does not apply to waterfront property. I don’t know how the buyer came by his billion but just think how much better that money could have been spent. Midnight Basketball and Cash for Clunkers and Shovel Ready Jobs leap to mind.

Since the outright banning of buying waterfront property is still a bit of a reach why not have a 72 hour cooling off period? The used car business, the aluminum siding business, and the renascent time share business seem to be doing OK with it.

Certainly no one in his right mind would buy property if he knew that he was 2 or 3 genetically altered neap tides and a Global Warming enraged full moon from having lobsters and surfers calling it home.

That’s why Broward County must step in.

These people can’t help themselves. A lot of people think that modern American Liberals suffer from a head up their ass condescension that is both beneath and beyond contempt. I am proud to say “Count me out”.

Together we can make a difference.

Then we’ll ban vaccines, starting with Salk and Sabin anti-polio shots. The possibility of being border line autistic and lactose intolerant with an uncertain gender identity problem is a risk not worth taking.

After that we’ll ban plastic.




Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET




PS – Full disclosure requires that I tell you that I fracked my first well in 1974. Further, as I write this I am wearing a cherished Father’s Day gift. It is a blue ball cap emblazoned with the words

PROUD GLOBAL WARMER

August 17, 2014
Dan Sweeney
The Sun Sentinel

RE: “Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it” – Some comments on your unlinkable Page 1 news story about heat and cold in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Sweeney,

First, might you be named after Dan Sweeney, AKA “Snapper”, a WWI combat veteran who lived in Bayonne, NJ on East 26th Street?

A cherished Father’s Day gift this year was a dark blue ball cap emblazoned with gold letters proclaiming that the wearer is a “PROUD GLOBAL WARMER”. I hope this does not automatically label me a knuckle dragging, flat earth zealot. I’ll be devastated if it does.

Has anyone else noticed that UM Professor Ben Kirtman, doubtless a multi-degreed individual who is well respected in the Graves of Academe, has no sense of how History intrudes? Indeed, Clio can be a cruel companion.

He says “the warming since the 1950s is unequivocal”. In 1950 an English astronomer, Fred Hoyle, settled the science about the origins of the universe. “Steady state” was chiseled into the walls of every astronomy class in the known universe. Ah! The glory days of LP records, Willie, Mickey, and the Duke in center field in Manhattan, the Bronx, and Brooklyn, and summers free of Salk vaccine.

I hope, as Professor Kirtman says, that “two plus two equals four – 100 per cent certainty” still holds. If he thinks Ptolemy got a bad rap all bets are off.

The conundrum here is that, despite the anti-intellectual, anti-rational nit-wit nostrums of over educated jackasses, Global Warming has been and will continue to be a good thing for mankind.

Follow the bouncing ball. I’ll type slowly.

Increasing temperatures make more land more arable. Arable land is the cradle, the nurturer of protein. Increased protein helps to make people smarter. 1100 years ago we had an uptick in temperature. 200 years alter we had the Renaissance. All those opposed to Dante and Michelangelo can leave the room. Just do it quickly and silently. Conversely, we had a “Little Ice Age” 200 years later. Whatever else it did it gave the wood to Stradivarius to make divinely inspired instruments.

Jeepers! The weather sure changes. And all that happened before we started to drown polar bears because of burning fossil fuels to give the rich 1% aggressive air conditioning.
Speaking of changing weather….

1821 was known as the “Year without Summer”. It snowed several times in Boston in June.
1908, 1925, 1938. Galveston, South Florida, and Long Island were leveled like when Noah was around.

How did this happen, there being far, far fewer automobiles, no summer ice skating, absolutely no fluorocarbons or long strand polymers? No one had ever heard of fracking and the Satanic Koch Brothers weren’t even born.

What caused them to happen? Stalin? FDR? Hitler? Which man made these things happen or did they just happen?

I think I’ll ask Professor Vivaldi, the noted Italian weather commentator. When he speaks it is settled.

Ciao.





Kevin Smith

August 17, 2014
Chan Lowe
They Sun Sentinel

RE: It’s about time –Some comments on your earnest, somewhat unartful, skewering of Florida Power & Light in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Lowe,

If fact, before modern American Liberals became codified, cemented, and ossified as fanatical true zealots who worship at the Church of 4th & 5th trimester abortion and who prostrate themselves into a rapturous state at the latest anti-rational dictum issued by the Elders, the construct, the paradigmatic template if you will, of utilities, entities such as Florida Power & Light, was highly praised by Progressives. Men such as T. Woodrow Wilson, the most racist President since Andrew Jackson, praised asthe best deal for the little guy. We know that “helping the little guy” is what makes the modern American Liberal dog, forgive me, hunt. Deep down – Can I still use the word “soul”? – the common thread that binds all the mush brained nit-wits who are still waiting patiently for the year’s perpetually late “Summer of Recovery” is that all problems are solvable if enough progressive legislators and compassionate Judges want it to be so.

Your last unlinkable paragraph, the one that proclaims that you are familiar with neither Juvenal nor Swift, the one that says the unindicted co-conspirators who run FP&L, the ones who support the Tea Party and take sacks of swag from the vile Koch Brothers, lowered the thermostat in their man-cave to 50 degrees, presumptively not Centigrade.

It fits the narrative of modern American Liberals and organs of misinformation to maintain, despite empirical evidence to the contrary, that temperatures and sea levels are rising.

The fact that an acre and a quarter of property on Biscayne Bay was purchased for $1,250,000,000 – that’s one billion two hundred and fifty millions of dollars – is ignored. Is it not possible that someone who can assemble $1,250,000,000 to buy a small piece of property would have done due diligence, in addition to a title search, to see if his property will soon be a haven for lion fish? In my other life I was an expert witness on mortgages on the Federal Court level. I guarantee that predatory lending and being a Friend of Angelo does not add a dime to the $1,250,000,000 “good funds” pot required at the closing. Honest.

Such is my concern for the environment, such is my devotion to Gaia that I have been asking the Sun Sentinel since 1997 to show us the way on saving the planet. To be fair, the problem of GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction is a moving target. Since 1968 – vide The Population Bomb by Paul Ehrlich, PhD – does not lend itself to simple definition.
Circular reasoning, hoc post ergo propter hoc, endless tautologies do not a definition make.

The word consensus, when used in the same sentence with science, should make reasonable people reach for their concealed weapon. The consensus of 99.4% of the planet for 15 centuries was that Ptolemy was right. [Look it up]

Still, if they doomsayers are right, there are some things we can do. They may not work but they’ll make us feel warm and fuzzy about ourselves. Isn’t that one of the goals of modern American Liberalism.?

Why point out the problem if you can’t offer a solution? That’s why I have been asking since 1997 for you to show us the way. My suggestions are both simple and easily implemented.

#1 – The Sun Sentinel will immediately turn off all A/Cs in their building
#2 – Employees must use public transportation. No private automobiles.

I didn’t say it was going to be easy but someone has to go first, right?

What’s the sense of doing away with gender inequality, of doing away with income inequality, of doing away with both teenage obesity and the heartbreak of psoriasis, of making endive, kale, and arugula milk shakes OK for lactose intolerant transgendered youths, of getting lambs to volunteer for a sleep over with the Lion King, if we all turn into Krispy Kritters?

Show us the way to undrown all those polar bears.

After we do that we’ll ban vitamins, hormones, and antibiotics from human use. Why should chickens and cows be the only lucky ones?

After that we’ll ban plastic.

Think Globally. Act Locally.

Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Don’t you think it is passing strange that Japan, the first and still the only catcher on an A-bomb traveling team, gets about 60% of its power form nuclear driven plants? If they didn’t need oil maybe there wouldn’t have been Pearl Harbor. Maybe that’s one way to end fracking. BTB, in return for getting state granted monopolies, the utilities agreed that states would regulate their rates. Part of the original agreements was the guarantee of a “fair and reasonable” rate of return. Can you give me a “reasonable” definition of “fair”?