April 24, 2017

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Wait, wait…Don’t tell me what not to read! Some comments on your achingly familiar Sunday AM Jeremiad about the wascally Wepublicans, homophobic racists plus climate change deniers all, and their Trump-led jihad to ban and burn books.

Big Stein,

Ah! The beauty of culturally disabled modern American Liberals as they do their unique dance, the “eclectically indignant”, down the convenient memory hole, two step.

As you point out in Sunday’s homily, the usual suspects, John Steinbeck, Maya Angelou, Judy Blume, John Irvine, inter alia, having been rounded up by the usual Cossacks, we are now distracted by the sound of a big old turd bobbing in the modern American Liberal punch bowl: non Right-Wing censorship.

Black folk don’t much like Huckleberry Finn.

Some “stiff necked” Sons of the Desert don’t much like Shylock.

What to do, what to do?

I know.

Fuhgedaboutit

Your dudgeon overflows about Harper Lee but not about Mark Twain. Can I toss Shakespeare into the stew? Don’t they count?

[I was shocked, shocked when a non-Caucasian columnist called me a racist when I suggested that despite a fascinating bio Maya Angelou was not a very good poet. Maybe he was still mad when I suggested that Truman Capote and James Baldwin had many intriguing parallels in both their personal and professional lives. And, to add insult to injury, I said that if Zora Neale Hurston had been White her books would have disappeared long ago.]

Speaking of brown-shirted book burners, people whose idea of reasoned discourse at its most civil revolves around a boot on a neck, people who begin your part of the dialogue by telling you to shut up, see if you can track down a copy of “Sexual Suicide” by George Gilder. It, and he, were sent to the isolated island reserved for writers who make you feel uncomfortable, an island from which no writer ever returns.

Speaking of friggin’ hypocrites, I haven’t been in Books & Books since December, 1996. It was a marvelous store filled with, you guessed it, Books & Books. I was in the poetry section when I asked where Ezra Pound was hiding. “We don’t carry him,” I was told. “Why not?”, I asked. “Ask him”, I was told. “Him” was Mitchell Kaplan, the gaunt, bearded owner and renowned champion of free speech. “He was an anti-Semite so I don’t carry him.” Since it was his store who was I to tell him who should be or not be on his shelves. I haven’t been back since.

2 things:

#1 – I was a lay missionary in Mexico in Mexico in 1963. My main mission was to build a 6-bed clinic in Huejutla. I learned how to thread a pipe because I knew, having done it, that hauling water uphill coolie-style was a waste of time and talent. Plus, it hurt like Hell. Also, a wandering gringo became a prize catch for rich peoples’ dinner tables. In addition to the great chow I became a piñata upper middle class Mexican who suffered from “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. They loved to lecture me on the evils of my country’s racist policies. That they were delivered by well-dressed ladies with hair hanging from their armpits made their earnest hectoring just a tad redolent. Women would not shave their armpits until the hair reached their elbows. Visible arm pit hair was the easiest way to show that there were no Mestizos in your genetic woodpile, that you were blanco puro. Pure White. Just like the little White girls that Senator Ervin, Senator Fulbright, and Senator Gore spent their entire adult lives trying to stop little Black boys from going to school with them. 

#2 is easy. As my aunt [by marriage] from Hester Street always said, “Don’t pee on my back and tell me it’s rain”.

I don’t know what the modern American Liberal position on using secondary boycotts is – Yes, I do. Ask Bill O’Reilly – but if Pound is verboten shouldn’t Joyce, Eliot, Hemingway, and Yeats get the silent treatment also. Each of them was indebted incalcubably to Pound for his editing. 

Ask Little Stein, your perpetual college student, what 20^th century literature would have looked like absent Pound.

Was it Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson who used the term “hook-nosed diamond merchant”? Isn’t it true that many children of “hook-nosed diamond merchants” become “New York lawyers” a la Bernie Nussbaum?

If Little Stein has found the library ask him which dead male Greek said, “Free men speak with free tongues”. I wouldn’t want to get him confused with Antigone.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

April 16, 2017

Kathleen Cannon – CEO

The United Way

One South Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33316

Ms. Cannon, 

Since “modesty is an overrated virtue” I have  no choice but to believe with ypiur muted praise of my writing skills.

I enclose Saturday’s piñata about “a modest man with much to be modest about”, a man who took a lot of beatings in high school – that’s a guy thing, trust me – a man who is ready to give Midnight Basketball a fair shot this time. In the alternative universe universe, the one occupied by modern American Liberals, the one where stones aren’t hard and water isn’t wet, results don’t count, only expectations. He made his bones the old-fashioned way, he earned them. I hope he doesn’t send the Word Police after me, men with badges, guns, and the full majesty of the law like Debbie Wasserman-Schultz did.

Plus, I enclose the e-mail address of my blog site. It is now in its 10^th year of paying homage to Madison, Eliot, Johnson – Samuel, not Lyndon, and a whole bunch of dead White European males. 

Pay close attention to 1/23/16. That was the day I granted an indulgence to anyone e who wanted to vote for Trump. Also, May 25^th of any year is a significant date. “Terra incognito” or “sunt leones” monitums should be attached to it.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – My Easter bonnet today will be my PROUD GLOBALWARMER cap

April 16, 2017

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Welcome Back!

Big Stein:

First, congratulations on escaping the clutches of the Koch Brothers-funded Somali pirates. Did you go over the wall a la Churchill or did the Sun Sentinel pay the ransom, the dhimmi? Either way, you’re out and I am happy.

Your absence filled me with inestimable sorrow. Since Little Stevie Goldstein got the boot I have relied on you to give me the latest head up your ass modern American mantra, chazzerai like “never bring a knife to a gun fight”, or “if you like your doctor you can keep him”, or “cross my red line and you’re toast”? Who can forget the discovery of an additional 7 or 8 states? I can’t. I nurture my bonsai plants by playing President B.O. promising to “calm the seas and cool the earth”.  I used to live in Sea Bright, NJ. Imagine how bad it would have been with Super Storm Sandy if he hadn’t “calmed the seas”.

When I asked about “paying the ransom” I am referring to the first great low light and low life of American History; John Adams. As difficult as it would seem to be he topped the Alien & Sedition Acts by agreeing to pay 20%, 1/5^th, of America’s operating budget to, and I hate to profile, radical Islamic terrorists, AKA the Barbary Pirates. [Additional History lessons about “Leathernecks” or “Do  you seek the protection of the American flag?” That was 220 years ago and some things never change, do they? A parting word about Adams the Elder. Since Prozac and Thorazine were not yet available it is obvious that he should have been packed in ice every night. Maybe he could freeze the demons to death, the ones that came in one ear and ran across his brain and out the other.

Here is my question about your column today.

I know, as the poet said, that “after the first death there are no others”. You may wish to consult Little Stein, your perpetual college student, about that. Y0ur column states that “Hitler exterminated 6,000,000 Jews. If the SEC looked at that statement, the 10b5 alarm bell would be ringing. That’s the section that covers fraud, both civil and criminal. Fraud can be committed by a commission or omission. The number of people who were non-combatants totaled 12,000,000.

Would it make me a racist anti-Semitic homophobe to suggest that the last 6,000,000 are as dead as the first 6,000,000? That’s a risk I accept.

In for a pence, in for a pound.

A bit further along in your column you say “the world has never seen an evil like Hitler”. From a subjective point of view, you may be right. From an objective point of view, he was way down the list. 

Stalin killed at least 5,000,000 Kulaks. That is the classic example of a euphemism. When Bernie Nussbaum cleaned out Vince Foster’s office after he ate his gun he was called a “New York lawyer”. Having employed a lot of them in my other life in my other life I know what that means. Send a SASE if you don’t know. Kulak means in early ‘30s Cyrillic/Russian jargon “Jew”. Vide Walter Duranty. Stalin did in 30,000,000 people. Compared to that number Hitler was a jaywalker.

Mao did in 60,000,000 gomers and slopes. That’s 10 times the number of Jews killed by Hitler. He made Hitler look like an odd-lotter.

“Attention must be paid” – Ask Student Stein – to Pol Pot. He took out 1/3^rd of his country. That’s an amount worthy of notice, worthy of being mentioned in dispatches.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re back. A non-denominational Pesach and Easter greeting to you.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET 

April 12, 2017

Mike Jackson – CEO

Auto Nation

200 SW 1^st Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Decisions, decisions or, as Homer Simpson said, “Don’t make me choose”

Mr. Jackson,

The ’79 Talbot or the ’75 Lascombe?

What do you think?

Rack of lamb, slathered in Dijon sauce, al dente string beans, and Amy’s potatoes.

I am asking you because I read in the WSJ this A.M. that you were able to detect a “Ponzi” scheme disguised as a car company, in this case Tesla. Then, to prove that you can multi-task, you psychoanalyzed the President of the United States. The cherry on the sundae was your pronouncement of fealty and obeisance to Hillary Clinton. All this before breakfast!

I have a classmate I have known for 58 years, He was CEO of a multi-billion-dollar bank in New Jersey. It began life as a not quite regional bank, neighborhood being a better description. In 1991 he took a public stand on a contentious state tax plan. I knew – know – him well enough that I called and asked him how many stupid bills he taken. before his announcement.

The banking business is like the car business in one important aspect. They both buy wholesale and then they sell retail. [Why any business would offer to sell at or below cost is a sure sign that they think their customers are friggin’ morons but that’s a story for a different time.]

The reason I asked my pal, a guy I have known since Eisenhower was President and Kennedy’s best male friend in DC was Nixon, if he had an “irresistible impulse” to piss off half his customers. We exchanged 4 letter observations with ethnic references and questions about the validity of our parents’ marriages, assuming they had them.

If no one is in the showroom or the lobby, be they brick and mortar or electronic, inventory piles up. It is a well-known fact that I am bound and determined not to be cliché ridden. The only people who make money on inventory are hookers and loan sharks.

Which brings me back to you.

Thoreau, America’s great 19^th century tax protestor, always sought the “simplicity” of things. You have a very simple job. The owners of the place where you work, your shareholders, will reward you on how many and how well you sell their cars.

If you sell them at a loss they know that you can’t make it up on volume. If you price them too high you can’t sell them at all. Simple, isn’t it?

Why muck it up by picking stocks? 

Why muck it up by trying to give Hillary a tongue bath?

About Hillary…the great Dr. Johnson, although he was addressing a different subject, spoke about supposedly rational adults voting for modern American Liberals and then being overcome by the urge to proclaim it publicly. Modern American Liberals are defined as people who know that raising taxes and increasing the minimum wage is the sure way to prosperity. The tie-breaker is that, deep down, they believe that Midnight Basketball could have worked if more community support could have been mustered. He said, “it is the triumph of hope over experience”. 

I issued an indulgence on January 23, 2016 for anyone who wanted to vote for Trump but had some doubts. It was like a consent decree with yourself and the voting booth. Any and all punishment for the sin of voting for the Donald was forgiven forever. I said that there was the possibility that he could become the worst President ever. It was beyond doubt that if she had been elected the American people would have sent the worse person ever to the Oval Office.

Plus, he would get to pick the Judges and the Justice. I’m sponsoring Ruth Bayer Ginsburg for a senior triathlon. Wanna help?

Kevin Smith

PS – I’m going with the Talbot. The Lascombe is overpriced and has turned. As a recovering wine snob, I know these things

April 10, 2017

Howard Satz – Publisher & Editor

The Sun Sentinel

500 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: The non-barking dog?

Mr. Satz,

If you were to tell me that no one but me complained about the absence of your mini Op-Ed page this Sunday past I would, in keeping with the tradition of Holy Week, rend my garment and proclaim in my best banshee style that your paper is doomed.

The usual stodge of Big Stein telling me how evil, how mean, how rotten, how nasty, how brutish, and how just plain shitty Republicans are, coupled with the “loonies have taken over the bin” extra-terrestrial wing nut, moon bats who are pissed off at me for not believing that umbrellas cause rain, that no tax is ever high enough, that Midnight Basketball didn’t get a fair shot, that results don’t count, only expectations, and that evil, like bullying and teenage obesity, can be legislated away if only enough men of good will are willing to fight the special interests who hate change was what caused me to drop my Sunday morning treat of manatee sushi and Tanqueray, lots of Tanqueray, with ice, Schweppes, and lime. [Can’t be too safe when it comes to the ravages of Scurvy]

If it is gone forever I will be gone forever. That’s not a threat; that’s a promise.

Kevin Smith

PS – When I got to Florida in 1996 I read 6, sometimes 7, papers a day. I am now down to one on Saturday and, maybe, one on Sunday.

Do you think that murder of 80 Coptic Christians in Egypt yesterday was the result of moderate Muslim terrorists losing hope because of Trump’s xenophobia?

April 10, 2017

Here’s a fight I can’t win.

In fact, the Syrian and the Iranian Air Forces will put a Texas-sized ass whupping on the Sons of the Desert Flying Circus and do barrel rolls over the Wailing Wall before I squeeze out a tie.

I told the clerk at the Post Office that I did not want any stamps with Harvey Milk on them. [I turned down the Eid Muslim stamp in Texas a few years back. De gustibus, I suppose.]

Plan B was the Indiana commemorative. Westbound into Indiana on IS 80 is a pleasant relief from deadly dull Ohio That was OK with me because I have 2 cousins, both Benedictine monks, buried at Saint Meinrad’s Abbey in Vincennes, Indiana.

I turned it down for 2 reasons:

#1 – When Milk was murdered the man he was standing next to, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone, was shot and killed also. Milk isn’t any more dead than Moscone. They were shot and killed by the same man. Why does one get a stamp while the other gets kicked to the curb?

#2 – Harvey Milk was an accused paedophile who was never bought to trial. The victim, of course, of course, the alleged victim, the under aged catcher on the wrump wrangling pitching team killed himself before the trial could begin.

I used the Duke Lacrosse team lacrosse case and the University of Virginia fraternity rape case as my template. Shape the narrative to whatever is available. Never let facts interfere with an argument. The charge is more important than the disposition.  The racial, social, economic, and cultural status of the participants is more important than facts. Rich White guys are bad and presumptively guilty unless their name is Kennedy.

The Milk/Moscone trial ended in a “not guilty” verdict thanks to a brilliant use of the heretofore unused “Twinkie” defense. Look it up. Maybe the lawyer should get a stamp.

Since Harvey Milk has a stamp how about one for Bill Cosby? How about one for Big Bill Tilden? Errol Flynn was acquitted of a rape charge. How about a lick both sides, “In Like Flynn” special delivery stamp for him? Does Rock Hudson have a stamp? How about Clifton Webb? Is Harvey Fierstein still alive? I know that Barney Frank is

I have fears of being branded a gay bashing homophobe with a Scarlet H to prove it. I am searching for a safe spot, a sanctuary closet if you will, where my thoughts will not infect the body politick. Or maybe not.

I am still searching for those elusive Mohammed cartoons. I want the ones that show him cavorting and gamboling with prepubescent girls and boys and middle age bovines. 

I guess it’s OK to say such things because the United States government taxes its citizens to subsidize the traveling company of “Corpus Cristi”. It is a play that posits that Christ was crucified because of a lovers’ quarrel with his boy-toy Judas Iscariot. Judas dropped a dime on him and the rest, as they say, is History. Strange indeed that the anniversary of the events is fast upon us. It’s too late for a high noon rollout of a stamp featuring Judas, the King of the Christ Killers but

“Free men speak with free tongues:”

Kevin Smith

PS – On of my favorite unknown movies is “Guns of Batasi”. Richard Attenborough, Jack Hawkins, Flora Robson, and Mia Farrow share the leads.  Simple enough story about a new African country tossing out the old boss for a new boss who turns out to be like the old boss. What sets it apart is the dialogue with shades of Kipling and Wellington going over the top. Attenborough is particularly fine as RSM Lauderdale. Bosley Crowther, the famed cinematic critic of the New York Times, kind of liked it save for the fact that 1964 was not the time to have White men criticizing Black men, particularly if the Black men were in the egg-breaking process of African nation building. Does James Baldwin have a stamp?

April 8, 2017

Reverend Oliver Williams, C.S.C.

Mendoza School of Business

University of Notre Dame

South Bend, IN 46556

Father Williams,

Concupiscence, one of the convenient crutches that Uncle Screwtape provides to all Wormwood wanabees, is the only reason – not an excuse – for not writing sooner. May I add, somewhat belatedly, that I greatly enjoyed your Saturday morning part homily, part seminar, part tutorial on Ethics? And, just think, nobody mentioned Aristotle!

When old guys, particularly those with a curmudgeonly streak, think of the Permanent Things, they think more of their grandchildren than of the not quite black, not quite white choices on which polemicists pounce. 

I was in McDonald’s today at 5:30AM. The pre-6:00AM staff has been cut by 2/3 positions to reflect higher wage rates.  [Unless you have done a payroll the reality of cost above income is alien. I did my first one for Tino DeAngelis of the Soybean oil scam in Bayonne a very long time ago.] Would you rather be employed at $X an hour or unemployed at $X+x% an hour is a question seldom asked of – forgive the euphemism –  inner city youths of limited skills save the desire to work. It should be.

In my other life, I brought 255 out of work coal miners back to work out of a bankruptcy court. 3 days after they went back on the clock they went on strike over a uniform allowance. My mom was right. “Eaten bread is soon forgotten.” I hasten to add that it covers dough kneaded by an invisible hand.

Bill Belicheck says his best pep talk consists of 3 words: “Do your job”. He was updating Alexander Pope who said, ”Honor and shame from no condition rise. Act well your part. There all honor lies.”

For your next plane ride, I suggest “Property and Freedom” by Richard Pipes.

I am in your debt for breakfast for a second time, the first was in South Bend in 1994 and the second was 3 weeks ago.

Kevin Smith

PS – I enclose the web address of my blog-site for your edification and/or enjoyment. I am most proud that a sovereign nation, the Republic of South Africa, banned my writings as “offensive’. Also, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, yes, that Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, sent the police to my house because of something that I wrote. One more thing, as Columbo would say. It may be time to bring back defenestration. If there is a window in the Golden Dome lure the football coach to it. Use a 19-year-old football [layer who wants to be insulted on national TV as the bait. When he gets there fling him as violently as possible through it. Gravity will do the rest.

Jimmy just sent me a Facebook entry saying that Seattle’s unemployment rate has declined since its minimum wage was raised. He is too good a friend and host for me to point out the 25-century old Logical fallacy of Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. Modern American Liberals constantly and confusingly conflate causation with correlation. If it weren’t for tautologies the poor buggers would never use their brains at all. Also, if $15 an hour is good wouldn’t $26 an hour be better.? Is $38 an hour too much of a stretch? Bernie Sanders, who never earned a paycheck until he was 40, would be able to buy an additional set of drawers, this time silk, so he could fart through them. The next time we get together I will tell you of my Damascus moment in re economics when I was a lay missionary in Mexico

April 2, 2017

Kathleen Cannon – President

United Way of Broward County

1300 South Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33316:

Ms. Cannon,

In your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel on “Women of Courage” you bemoan, not so subtly, the fact that 2 of the13 honorees would not have been allowed into this country if Trump’s travel ban had not been overturned. [That the above can be used to vindicate George C. Wallace’s belief in John C. Calhoun’s Theory of Nullification, the one that was rendered moot by force of arms at Appomattox, is indeed passing strange. You may remember that Governor Wallace stood in the doorway of the schoolhouse and told the Feds that they could not come in. They did but that’s a tale for a different time.]

It may or not be the case but are those 2 countries among the dozen or so Sharia-run countries that condone and encourage cliteroidectomies on pre-pubescent teenage girls? Did you know that there is a protocol for stoning women “taken in adultery”? The stones can neither be too big lest death come too quickly nor can they be too small lest the death agonies are made too prolonged. Plus, a quick rinse and the stones are reusable lest the stonee be Jewish.

Are these awards made posthumously? If they are I would like to nominate Antigone. Now that was a woman of courage. Even Creon, her killer, thought so. 25 centuries after the fact and maybe it’s time to honor her. Didn’t Chelsea Clinton just get a lifetime achievement award from some chick group with far too much time on its hands for being President of the Lucky Sperm club? And she didn’t even have to die!

Kevin Smith

April 2, 2017

Irela Bague – President

The Bague Group

15 Madeira Way #15

Coral Gables, FL 33134

Ms. Bague,

 “funding external outreach” 

“closing the racial gap in Global Warming”

“major inequities between diverse populations 

& the environmental movement”

From your website

  I am in awe of anyone who use terms like the above and not incur the wrath of Strunck & White and H.M. Fowler. Thoughts like that could awaken the Great Dr. Johnson, a wrath-filled Dr. Johnson.

You say kaddish for coal in your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel without mentioning a tumescently growing market for American coal.

Tom Steyer, hero to the wing-nut, moon bat, tree hugging loons, made billions of dollars selling “dirty” coal, coal which could not be burned in this country, to 3^rd Worlders. Coal, used in this country to provide electricity that powers A/Cs, must not exceed 1% sulfur. The Chinese and the Indians, the Gunga Din Indians, have no such qualms. Both countries build almost 4 new coal fired utilities a week. They have to burn something.

Why not American coal, produced in American mines, dug by American miners, carried on American trains, loaded on to American ships by American workers, and taken to foreign countries to be burned so that their people may both survive and prevail? These countries are not concerned with the undrowning of polar bears, the plight of the beleaguered furbish lousewort, or the threat of a soupcon of acid rain.

I hate to burst the bubble that is welded to your pretty little head but the abundance of natural gas, an abundance that can make this country energy independent before the end of Trump’s 2^nd term, has been caused by one thing. Drum roll, please. FRACKING. As to “renewable energy sources”…. I have some Solyndra solar panels at a great price.

Kevin Smith

PS: As to quotes from your website, “it sounds like bullshit to me”.

April 1, 2017

Congresslady Nancy Pelosi

90 7^th Street 2-800

San Francisco, CA 94103

MS Pelosi,

I have to limit myself to the number of responses to your quotidian output of the . egregiously asinine, Guinness Book dumb-ass remarks, you make constantly. I did say daily, didn’t I?

Your numbingly boobish remarks about Russia are worthy of special notice and even more special handling.

You say that Trump is an honorary member of the KGB. You say that he runs Karamazov study groups. You say that if he drank he would drink Stolichnaya and that if it was OK for Stalin it’s OK for him to like Putin.

When did the Democrats turn on the Russkies?

Walter Duranty, a favorite of the New Dealers when he won a Pulitzer Prize as the Foreign Correspondent of the New York Times, was a bought and paid for stooge of the KGB. The Dems loved him. Didn’t Alger Hiss, an ardent New Dealer, spend his entire adult life trying to get America to get along with the Russians? Didn’t Julie 7& Ethel Rosenberg give their lives for the same cause?

Modern American Liberals still loathe Nixon because he preached the old Russian adage “Just because a wolf shows you his teeth it doesn’t mean he’s smiling”. Modern American Liberals despised Reagan for 2 reasons: #1 SDI – Not only did they hope it wouldn’t work, they prayed it couldn’t work and #2 – He preached the old Russian adage “Keep your ax handy.

If, as you say, the Russians committed an act of war, do you think we should lob one into the men’s room at the Kremlin? Do you think a line in the sand has lost its credibility?

Kumbaya, you twit. How’s Cindy Sheehan doing these days? 

Kevin Smith

March 29, 2017

If you chomped deeply into the 

GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction

                                                              turd pie you loved the Bermuda Triangle, right?

 Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster were big on your wish list. Has anyone seen Bridey Murphy recently? When you were a kid did you want a chemistry set so you could change clay into gold? I did. How about the machine that changed a dollar bill into a twenty? I still have instructions for proving that if you have 2 good hands you have 11 fingers. Interested? Send $10 and a SASE. 

I always watch the half-time show of the Rose Bowl in anticipation of a friggin’ flying saucer landing and a roly-poly dude with 3 legs, a mouth on the top of his head, and one arm consisting of a large middle finger, permanently extended, getting out and asking “What happened to the Green Bay Packer sweep?”

Maybe next year.

Speaking of the Bermuda Triangle…. call American Airlines and see if any of their planes are unaccounted for. Then try Royal Caribbean. Get back to me.

Did anyone die from eating Alar soaked apples, the ones that Meryl Streep warned us about?

Plato put one over on the world for 24 centuries. Atlantis. A real knee slapper. Look it up. He’s up with Zeus and the guys laughing his arse off.

Speaking of 20^th century pseudo-science…special mention should be paid to the t 3 Amigas. Rachel Carson, Margaret Mead, and Margaret Sanger. Frauds, yes. Charlatans and mountebanks, of course, but their real crime was murder. Carson killed more people than Stalin, Hitler, and Mao did. Outlawing DDT has caused the deaths of hundreds of millions of people. Mostly infants, and overwhelmingly 3^rd Worlders, their deaths are the result of 1^st Worlders, overwhelmingly White, wanting to feel warm and fuzzy. Margaret Mead, realizing early on, that there was not enough gin in Christendom for her to get and stay “lucky. She went to Samoa to learn the “horizontal tango”. Margaret Sanger’s theories on proper breeding and herd culling mead her Hitler’s favorite American. He based his 1934 race laws on her writings. A recent poll put her on the top of the Nazi pole, far ahead of the old corsair, Ambassador Joe Kennedy.

Anyway, Trump signing the executive order on climate stuff that undid the executive order – And why do I think this is not what James Madison had in mind? – signed by Usama Bahama Salalma, to cite one of Lard Kennedy’s introductions, struck a blow for the scientific method, rational discourse, clear thinking and against cant-laden mental diarrhea.

Yobama, knowing that he was paradigmatic template for “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome, said that Canute had noting on him. Drawing a red line in the sand, he said he would “calm the seas and cool the earth. Is it possible that hose things were written by Onion alumni?

Reductio became not quite so absurdum when fans of “Connect the Dots” figured out that people in South Florida, using electricity generated by burning coal to power their A/Cs, were drowning polar bears. Thinking globally but acting locally the immediate solution is obvious: A – Turn off all A/Cs. B – Dispose of them in an environmentally sensitive manner. C – Open the windows. D -Switch to caftans. You go first.

Whatever happened to Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc? Did a middle of the night executive order do away with it? Can it ever come back?

In 1968, back when LBJ was fighting 2 wars – The one in Vietnam and the one against poverty. At least the one in Vietnam ended. – Professor Paul Ehrlich, a multi-degreed dunce, told us that the race was on. We would either starve to death or we would be frozen solid. The finish line was the year 2000. As of this morning I am still calorically challenged and it’s time to change the A/C filters. And for some strange reason he blames the Roman Catholic church for the scenario. 

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr, the only man I know to flunk out of 2 graduate schools in the same semester, warned us for 35 years about the shrinking ozone layer. He warned us for 30 years, for 25 years, for 20 years, and then he stopped. [I did my part to either shrink the hole or make it larger, not being sure which was the worst, by squirting Right Guard deodorant out my bathroom window] He stopped because nothing happened. Ted Danson gave us 5 years to change our ways or the oceans would either turn into the Bonneville Salt Flats or would drown everyone in Denver. He gave us this warning in the 20^th century.

Do you remember the Kyoto Accords Treaty in 1995? Senator Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. now Vice President Alpha Gump, gave us this as our last chance to save the planet. It was not submitted to the Senate for its advice and consent. The reason it wasn’t was because the Senate had voted 95-0 against all the big ideas in it. Even Democrats had common sense them.

Although I am a First Amendment purist – If “Piss Christ” gets taxpayer subsidies for its road tours then we should be able to see the Mohammed cartoons -  there are some words that must be exiled when discussing climate. “Existential” must be stricken from the rolls. Sartre? Maritain? Uncle Tex the Weatherman? Kierkegaard? It’s so damn confusing. “Consensus of scientists” and “settled science” must be burned at the stake. Twice, just to be sure. Ptolemy posited a theorem about the earth and the sun that was “settled science”: for 15 centuries. That’s a millennium and a half. The “consensus of scientists” was absolute. There were no dissenting voices until one guy said, “pero si muove”. That day the world changed. Forever. It happens when “settled science” becomes unsettled.

It is a fact; indeed, it is a well-known fact, that umbrellas cause rain. You wouldn’t have rain if you didn’t have umbrellas.

Adults forget how to think. They substitute feelings and fantasies for Logic and ideas. The result is not just chaos in the real world, the world where “stones are hard and water is wet”, that world. It is the world where adults strive and sometimes thrive. They avoid sitting under the apple tree because “experience is sometimes the only teacher”. It is the world where effort is applauded and the world where results are rewarded.

Look out, Snowflakes!

There’s a new sheriff in town.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Amen, brother! After all these years, finally, something we agree on.

Big Stein,

At long last I know that my Redeemer liveth! We can draw water from the same water from the same well. Maybe it is time to break Florida up. Your column this AM mentions several good reasons for so doing.

Your missing Hillary Clinton is touching.

 I must confess that I miss her too. I wanted Craig Livingstone back as the gatekeeper. He’s the dude that Congressman Tom Lontos told to commit suicide, remember? Sidney Blumenthal, the man that Christopher Hitchens wanted to pummel, would have been a welcome addition. Has anybody heard from Lani Guinier or Ira Magaziner lately? Her brother Slobbo would be a roving free agent in charge of, inter alia, fixing parking tickets, pardons, and stealing hot stoves and the pennies off dead men’s eyes. If Hillary came back there would be a surge of “New York lawyers”, like Bernie Nussbaum. Let me give you a big wink here but we all know what a “New York lawyer” is, don’t we? In my other life I employed quite a few of them. Also, let the record show that if Pat Buchanan used that term the POO – Perpetually Outraged and Offended – would have burned his house down, preferably with him in it, chained to the wall. Who could resist the image of Denise Rich fellating Bill Clinton’s saxophone? Not me. I’m a sucker for love. Nothing personal; strictly business

Do you think HIllary would have put a turnstile on the White House with the proceeds going to the Clinton Foundation or would she have cut out the middle man and just PayPaled the loot into her personal account?

Chelsea, and God wiling she runs for something, anything, just got a life time achievement award from some chick group. Just think how much better it would have been if she got it in the Rose Garden. Bill’s brother Roger, his singing career having failed to gain traction, would be in charge of parking cars. Her Fagin-like father-in-law would have picked pockets. 

Back to new states. 

Cool Florida and Dreadful Florida are obvious. How about Southern North Carolina and Northern South Carolina? New Mexico and Viejo Mexico sounds good to me. Middle Dakota is OK, no? Maryland and Marvinland with the latter getting the crabs. Wait a second. How many is that? 56 by crikey. Close enough to get Yosama Bahama Salama off the hook for his head up his ass knowledge of geography. It was almost as bad as misspelling potato, or was it potatoe? Let’s draw a line in the sand and let the Marine Corpse guard it. Just the thought of Handsome Billy Clinton from Hot Springs, the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, fills me with tumescent anticipation. It is downright priapristic for aging males.

Here’s a question from a perplexed reader. Do you remember the Duke lacrosse rape case? How about the UVA fraternity rape case? They had 2 things in common. The media covered them like the world was going to end next Thursday at noon with women and minorities suffering, as usual, disproportionately. The other thing is that neither happened. They were blood libels that were stinking meaner than cat shit lies. Do you know why the rape in Maryland by 2 illegal aliens – Shove the undocumented dreamers’ label as far up your ass as you can – is going down the modern American Liberal media hole? Stop the presses. “modern American Liberal media”? I think I just answered my question. Maybe Socrates was on to something.

Have you ever seen the sign that says “Welcome to Arkansas, Mississippi is worse”? A mitigating factor that the defense could use is to proclaim that as bad as they seem to be they ain’t Muslim terrorists 

Just one more thing a la Columbo. 

Almost 20 years ago, Matthew Shephard goes to a saloon catering to non-urban finochios looking to hook for “a bit of the gobble” up to and including “rough trade”. Only Jesse Dirkhising suffered more with the difference being that he was kidnapped by feral homosexual predators while Matthew went willingly to the Dark Side. 

A nut case with a semi-automatic weapon shouts Allah Akbar while he shoots and kills 50 people in a cabaret catering to homosexuals. 

We celebrate Tennessee Williams leading the charge against homophobic cops in Key West. We celebrate the Stone Wall riots. We honor Harvey Milk while forgetting the equally murdered George Moscone. If we can get just one more miracle Papa Francisco will canonize him. Wait ‘til you see the stamp he gets!  

Does a Muslim shooter spoil the mAL paradigmatic template that says that hate crime can only be committed by hateful deplorables? 

Get back to me por favor. And light a fire under Little Stein. If Wordsworth is no longer verboten I won’t send copies of “Daffodils” to Middlebury College.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Anna Fusco

Broward Teachers’ Union

600 N. University Drive

Tamarac, FL 33321

RE: How can I miss you if you won’t go away? Some comments on your usual confusion about the anus/elbow location in today’s mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Fusco,

Fair warning, you boob.

I am going to use some big words and some big girl ideas. 

Buckle up.

You cite “overemphasis on test scores” as one of the reasons Why Johnny and Fatima still can’t read. Would not Logic dictate that if we do away with all scores self-esteem would increase and test results would soar? Remove all scoreboards, being sure to dispose of same in an environmentally sensitive manner. All games, at all levels begin in a scoreless tie and, more importantly, end in a scoreless tie. Everybody gets a participation trophy 

Wouldn’t this year’s Super Bowl have been just as exciting if the NFL had banned scorekeeping? Silly question. Of course it would have.

The serendipitous benefit here is that it would have a disparate beneficial impact on chicks. The extra burden of winning and losing requires that they have a “safe space”, a space where all the rules governing gravity are, y’know what I’m sayin’, suspended. Maybe in a show of solidarity with their Muslim sisters the ladies on the field hockey team wear burqas, hijabs, fatwas, and hockey masks. I can’t wait for the multi-cultural, diversity conscious guilty First World cabal who run the schools put non-gender specific lavatories into schools with a significant Muslim enrollment. I dare say the next PTA meeting will suggest that crucifixions will enjoy a comeback.

You cite the old African proverb that either it takes a village to raise a child or every village needs an idiot or there are more idiots than villages or some combination of the above. My favorite African proverb involve the interaction of a duplicitous scorpion and a naïve frog. Send a SASE.

You are about to enter the dark world of non-sequiturs. It is the world where sunt leones and terra leones rule. It is an arena where Logic and Rhetoric collide. Who says the Trivium is dead? Send a bib SASE.

The Sun Sentinel, the medium that gives you the weekly platform to proclaim that “Yes, I am a friggin’ moron”, has a Page 3 story about participatory democracy in the Congo. Due to sensible and strictly enforced gun controls, decapitation is enjoying a comeback. The paper tells us that 42 Congolese policemen were beheaded. I guess “Not All Black Lives Matter” is the slogan in the Dark Continent. 

Is there a connection is any of these disparate facts? Of course not! It is the reason why the term “non-sequitur” was honed.  It is the stuff that modern American Liberals thrive on. Plus it is organic and gluten free. It is the one thing that feeds your double-helixed gene, the one that allows you to go years without letting a single thought enter your battered brain.

You end your mini-Jeremiad by hectoring us with the mind numbing mantra “Save our Schools”. You say that the Broward Teachers’ Union is ready to help. “Ready to help”, like the fox volunteering to take attendance in the hen house. The only ting you can do to help education would be to “Exit Stage left, pursued by a bear”.

Once you are on the road, don’t stop until you reach Avernus, the final resting place most favored by teachers.

Kevin Smith

March 19, 2017

Anna Fusco

Broward Teachers’ Union

600 N. University Drive

Tamarac, FL 33321

RE: If you hear the words “friggin’ moron”, raise your hand. Some comments on your Homerically dumb mini Op-Ed on “sanctuary schools” in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Fusco,

First, you still haven’t corrected the thumb in your eye, turd in the punch bowl, error in re your organization. You say you are President of the Broward Teacher’s Union. I am going to go out on a limb here but I think you have more than one member. Out of respect to the memories of H.M. Fowler and Strunck & White it should be Broward Teachers’ Union. Honest. You could look it up.

How in the name of Socrates, John Henry Newman, and Robert Maynard Hutchins can you call yourself a teacher? I suppose if you take enough education credits the state will call you a teacher. It’s like barber school. The other barbers sit around and pass judgment as to who will be allowed to enter their profession. If that sounds like a combination in restraint of trade it’s because it is.

“uniformed, gun-toting strangers enter your classroom…”

I thought “uniformed, gun-toting strangers” snatched up Elian Gonzalez out of his closet. I don’t remember him being in school.

Pay attention, you boob. An important lesson will soon be taught. Perhaps not learned – In your case figuring out what to do with your thumbs would put you on the honor roll – but certainly well taught

“Thanks to our school board it won’t happen here.”

If that were the case – N.B. [that’s an abbreviation for Nota Bene, a Latin term for Note Well] that I use the subjunctive. Is that still taught in Broward? If the theory that Boards of Education can declare themselves sanctuary anything, Alabama public schools would still be segregated.

George Wallace stood in the door and told the United States government that they could not come in. The Feds said, “Step aside.” Wallace, “smart and no fool”, did.

I would have to stuff my ears with Silly Putty and Gorilla Glue and seal them with Duct Tape to keep my brains from exploding out if I thought you knew who John C. Calhoun and his Theory of Nullification was.

I’ll spare you the joys of discovery.

General Grant settled the science and declared the theory null and void at Appomattox on April 9, 1865. General Lee agreed. Has there been an unannounced change in the terms of settlement and surrender?

I tremble when I think that you have influence over the education of all those mush-brained utes in Broward County. 

Have you ever considered a career change? 

Foot-press operator? Keeping the ice cold at the local Palomino Club? Quality control at a balloon juice refill station? The dreaded private sector?

Anything to get you as far away from any and all schools as possible.

Kevin Smith

PS – Next time we’ll work on Shakespeare and imaginary numbers. Stay awake.

March 17, 2017

Jimmy Cefalo

WIOD-AM

Miramar, FL 33023

RE: What’s Pat Boone doing these days? Your radio ads for “your guy’s annuities”.

Jimmy,

“And it’s guaranteed, just like a CD”. As a matter of fact, it isn’t. The only thing that is guaranteed, “just like a CD” – drum roll, please – is a CD.

The main reason, indeed the only reason, it is not guaranteed “just like a CD” is because CDs have something called the FDIC backstopping them. That means that the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation has a checkbook issued to them by the United States Treasury to use if for any reason the CD issuer defaults on any of its guarantees. In other words, the full faith and credit of the United States guarantees that any check issued by it will be paid in full in a timely manner.

Yesterday afternoon I also heard you say that you would get “10% the first year and 6% every other year”. As of 3:00 PM Thursday the 30-year Treasury bond was yielding 3.13% while the 10-year Treasury note was yielding 2.52%. 10%? How?

I twice called the number of the issuer and got 2 different answers to the question “Who guarantees the guarantor”? It was a combination of heath agency bonds – I am not sure whether it was an individual state or a health care facility - that made up its guarantee base. One thing for certain. It was not the FDIC.

On a “guarantee” basis and on a “yield” basis it does not pass the bag test. If you have forgotten the bag test, I’ll refresh your memory. You put the deal in a bag. Close the bag tightly. Put the bag in a closet for 24 hours Take it out and open it quickly. Stick your nose in. If it reminds you of a locker room after 2-a-days have Haz-Mat take the bag out  to be cleaned and burned. In an environmentally sensitive manner, of course

If you think Ronnie Lott or Jack Tatum were tough wait ‘til you go one on one with a skinny, bespectacled lawyer from the SEC. Talk about wolverines!

Kevin Smith

PS- Pat Boone? He was a pitchman for an investment scheme. The only thing the Feds left him with was a begging bowl. Look it up.

March 18, 2017

Dan Sweeney

The Sun Sentinel

500 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: Headline of the Year even though it’s only March? I smell Pulitzer

Mr. Sweeney,

“Budget Cuts Aimed at Jewish Seniors”

The Sun Sentinel

Page 1

Today

You

“Headless Body in Topless Bar”

“John Garfield Still Dead”

“Liz Wants Dick”

And, of course, there is always the legendary

“World Ending – Women and Minorities to Suffer Disproportionately”

I didn’t have to read past the headline. It would be like improving a Cole Porter lyric or a Tom Brady comeback/ How about substituting “Aging Christ killers”: next time? Despite his serious Jew son-in-law and his grandson’s briss you can always blame Trump.

Kevin Smith

March 19, 2017

Tom Shea – President

Right Management

1301 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Lack of chicks in Science or Math classes has your knickers in a knot? Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel bemoaning same. Just one more brick on the load thanks to Trump, yes?

Mr. Shea,

“What will it take to bring more of South Florida’s

 girls into science, technology, engineering and math”?

I begin by saying that my daughter has 16 credits of As in chemistry. One of her degrees reflects this.

Can I suggest a quick modern American Liberal solution to not having enough ladies in the lab? It is a most vexing social problem, ranking above “plastic or paper” but below radical Islamic terrorism. Here it is.

No guys in STEM classes.

Watch the chick scores climb.

Problem solved. Case closed.

Can I have some apple pi?

Kevin Smith

March 21, 2017

Zaylore Stout, Esq.

333 Washington Avenue N

Minneapolis, MN 55401

RE: Does Chick-Fil-A use chickens raised by Nazis who are members of the KuKluxKlan?

Weren’t they the ones who said Barney Frank was running a rump poking – boys only – Knocking Shoppe in the basement of the Capitol? The bastards!

Mr. Stout,

Do you think Chick-Fil-A is selling rubber chicken? Do they have super chickens whose steroid and hormone levels enable them to swim through boiling water every day with celery and some bouillon cubes taped to their wings? That’s what gives them their great lo-fat, gluten free, chicken soup. It’s the only meat based product that has the PETA stamp of approval. Why? Because the friggin’ bird lives, you nit-wit. Next year they will have full benefits and a 401K.

“We just wanted to make sure that Chick-Fil-A was put

on notice that we will be monitoring their activities.”

You

The facts would support the interpretation that the above quote could be construed as corporate stalking.

What if they were to offer a copy of Dick Gregory’s autobiography? Forget the title?

Send me a SASE

One thing is certain. You are a half-assed horse’s ass.

Here’s another group to stalk. Its name screams racial discrimination. Plus, they get a ton of taxpayer money, money that comes from all races. And worse, they get their offices rent free in a large Federal office building in Washington!

I am talking about the Congressional Black Caucus, you buffo ninny.

Kevin Smith

PS – Zaylore? Do you have any relatives named Eeyore?

March 21, 2017

Councilman Zeke Does Cohen

100 N. Holiday Street #400

Baltimore, MD 21202

RE: Does putz mean the same in Baltimore as it does in Florida?

Councilman Cohen,

I just heard you say, inter alia, that the population of Baltimore went from 1,000,000 to 650,000. Wrong, you schmuck! It went to 620,000. [To a modern American Liberal 30,000 non-aborted people is a rounding error. Have you noticed that cities run by modern American Liberals are hemorrhaging people like a reverse Topsy? Not wishing to confuse correlation and causation only a dunce would fail to notice the connection.]

Then I heard you say that students who can’t speak English make the schools they attend better. Would not Logic dictate that First Aid classes would be better if gun-shot victims and myocardial infarction cases were real? Only a really smart person, one who believes deeply that you can give tax cuts to people with no income, could spew such dreck.

No wonder the Colts went over the hill. They knew that somebody like you would be coming along.

Then I heard you say that Federal agents, particularly people charged with enforcing immigration law, people like those who snatched up Elian Gonzales at gunpoint in the middle of the night – Remember? – are like Nazis, particularly the Gestapo. HOW GOD DAMN DARE YOU!. 

Then you mentioned Willy Horton.

 It is owed to the ledger to note that Willy Boy was imprisoned in Massachusetts for rape and murder. Governor Michael Dukakis, a fervent believer in “There is no such thing as a bad boy”, gave him a week-end furlough. He went to Maryland where he, surprisingly, raped and murdered again. 

 Do you suppose that maybe, just maybe, there are bad boys? [It is anathema for mALs to believe in the existence of evil. All crime is caused by poverty, domestic instability, cruel big business, uncaring governments, and taxes that are far too low. Trump’s presence makes it worse. One good thing Trump has done is to make Bush 43 look good. Go figure.

 It is an observable fact that the world is filled with Screwtapes and Wormwoods. Having ignored them for so, so long you find yourself in “a time of endless peril”. Your solution to the critically ill patient – 50 years in intensive care with no improvement – is double the amount and triple the toxicity of the Kool-Aid in his IV.

For the above, even though it is only March, I name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

And yes, putz means the same up there as it means down here. The same for schmuck.

Kevin Smith

PS – What percentage of the feral youths roaming your city like rabid dogs live in public housing? Do you think there might be a connection? Here’s a solution. Raise the minimum wage. How about $22.50 an hour? That will solve the problem, right?

March 19, 2017

Ron Klein, Esq.

Holland & Knight

1 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Once a boob, always a boob – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on climate change, drowning polar bears, and Redskin disturbing pipelines in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Klein,

“At a time when hurricanes, storms, and other

weather events are even more threatening…”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

You

IN typical modern American Liberal protocol, the one that allows you to never let facts interfere with your argument, the one that encourages use of the gravity defy8ing machine, you confusingly conflate correlation and causation. In the name of Ned Lud it sure as Hell beats thinking.

#1 – How did Greenland get its name? How did it lose it?

#2 – 10 centuries ago there was an upward spike in temperature in Europe. We wound up with the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante?

#3 -  5 centuries ago there was downward spike in temperatures in the Adriatic. It had a palbable, significant effect on certain trees. Stradivarius used this to his advantage. Do you have a problem with hearing Bach played on one of his instruments?

#3 – What caused the Blizzard of ’88? The Blizzard of ‘47? What caused the Galveston hurricane / The hurricane of ‘25? The hurricane of ’37? Mount St. Helen’s? Take your time, you twit. It’s an open book exam.

#4 – Did your evil twin, doubtless an idiot savant, take the Florida Bar exam for you?

#5 – I have some dates from different centuries. Send a SASE

Kevin Smith

PS – Turn off the A/Cs in your office. All associates, para legals, and staff to use public transportation to and from work. Take a stand; save the whales; maybe even save Tibet.

March 12, 2017

Senator Gary Farmer, Esq.

111 East Las Olas Boulevard

Fort Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel suggesting that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, you had someone else take your Florida Bar exam. 

Senator Farmer,

It may be time to update your photo.

You cavil about the “grievous and unacceptable legislation even though it further buttresses one of the bedrock principles of English speaking jurisprudence. Be seated because based on your public utterances this will come as a big shock to you.

The Presumption of Innocence

Don’t bother looking for it in any court ruled by Sharia law. There will be pig farms in Mecca, such farms being tended to by zoftig farm girls dressed in short shorts before that happens in any court where the dude with the gavel begins the proceeding with the chant Allah Akbar and Death to the Jews.

 

Something that could be a mitigating factor in re your asinine statements, one that could limit your time in Stupid Dumb Ass prison, could be that in your quest to impress Coach Bowden you played too much football without a helmet.

Read this carefully. I’ll type slowly.

Should I find myself accused of a crime I will stand before the Bar secure in the knowledge that I don’t have to prove myself innocent. The state must prove me guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. I am sure you were aware of that. Once. Maybe. I hope.

I suggest that you amend your will, assuming you have one, to donate your brain to science. Pass blocking without a helmet will leave you addled as you approach your golden years. Just think. You’ll be able to bury your own Easter eggs plus you’ll discover the joy of finding new episodes of the Honeymooners and Seinfeld. What a putz!

Kevin Smith

March 12, 2017

Mayor Frank Ortis

10100 Pines Blvd.

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: “Think globally; act locally” – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel in which you proclaim your fealty and obeisance to Ned Lud.

Mayor Ortis,

You want to “ban fracking in Florida”. [Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I fracked my first well 150 miles south of Houston in January, 1974. Both the Republic and I have survived.]

Here are some inconvenient truths, the ones that make modern American Liberals

squirm.

#1 – Fracking in America began not quite 3 score and 10 years ago.

#2 – It, plus slant drilling, has opened up incalculable amounts of natural gas at lower and lower prices. The opening of the Keystone pipeline will make this county energy independent by the end of the first Trump administration. The effect on the balance of trade deficit will be astonishing.

#3 – Coal, dirty coal, the bete noire of energy ohmadahns, is no longer the utility’s first choice. Tom Steyer, who made billions and billions of dollars selling dirty coal, coal that could not be used in this country, may need to have a fund raiser for himself.

#4 - Do you have a problem with clean energy produced in America by Americans?

#5 – If you want to undrown those warm and fuzzy polar bears, the only natural predator of those pesky baby seals, the ones who will soon be invading Maine and North Dakota, you have one highly visible local choice. 

TURN OFF ALL THE A/Cs IN CITY BU ILDINGS!

After you have done that you may want to ration electricity. Frozen food? Fuhgeddaboudit.

The motto of your next campaign should be VOTE FOR ME ‘CUZ I AM A MORON.

Kevin Smith

PS – I have the inside track on Solyndra solar panels. Call me.

March 12, 2017

Sheriff Scott Israel

2501 W. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33312

RE: Yet again, the spectre of Trayvon Martin causes modern American Liberals, even those with badges and guns, to soil their permanently knotted knickers. Some comments on your how guilty am I mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Sheriff Israel,

Was Trayvon Martin’s death “senseless and avoidable”? Sure. Could I say “after the first death there are no others”? I could but after hearing you on TV it would be a case of “pearls before swine” so I shan’t.

Lest we forget, there was a trial. 12 men, “good and true”, said the magic words, “Not guilty”.

In February, 2009, President Obama met with 100 Republican Congressmen in the White House. He extended an olive branch by saying that “there was an election; I won You lost. Get over it.”

Good advice then; good advice now.

Never argue with a canceled check.

Kevin Smith

March 12, 2017

Mayor Barbara Sharief

Broward County Commission

RE: Check the attendance sheets – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on Women’s History Month in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mayor Sharief,

You say today in the Sun Sentinel that “many women took a day off to promote bearded clam equality”. Further, you say, :women continue to be paid less than men”.

2 questions:

#1 – Are you paid 79% of what male commissioners are paid? If you are that must really rankle your arse.  

#2 – Did any female employees take the day to join their sisters on the barricades? Did you? Will those who did be paid for their absence?

A few more…

#3 – How is the manatee suffrage referendum coming?

#4 – Is it true that Broward County will subsidize a unicorn ranch?

#5 – Will there be a “sanctuary city” for displaced glutens?

#6 – How is the anti-gravity device, a vital part of the time machine, the one that single moms, usually women of color with special needs children, are working on, coming? Is it on schedule? Are they using environmentally sensitive methods? I don’t want to drown any more polar bears than is necessary.

I love modern American Liberals…jjust like you. You can go days without thinking…just like you.

Kevin Smith