November 24, 2019 “I saw an elephant in my pajamas.”

November 24, 2019

“I saw an elephant in my pajamas.” How he got into my pajamas is a story for a different time. The next sentence, ripped from the beating heart of the Miami Herald may not have the staying power of the pajama-clad elephant, but how often do they come along? 

“Last Sumatran rhino dies in Bali”

As George Carlin, noted amateur naturalist and cultural commentator said – “Get in the plane, not on it.” “If you live by a volcano, don’t be surprised if you have lava in your living room, said “More than 90%, way more than 90% of everything that has ever lived is gone, is extinct.”

What in the name of Darwin was the Sumatran Rhino doing in Bali? How the Hell did it get there? Did anyone mourn the 3-day weekend 55,000,000 years ago when T-Rex and his carnivorous reptile pals checked out forever? 56 years ago, outside of Huejutla, Mexico, I saw a 3-month-old die of malaria or dengue fever or one of those diseases that we had wiped out by the end of World War 2. The magic bullet was DDT. Spare me the stories about Peregrine falcons and how much they have contributed to the Western Canon. Just tell me how many 3-month-old baby corpses equal one friggin’ dead bird? God Damn Rachel Carson, along with Margaret Sanger and Margaret Mead.

And speaking of a lot of big things happening 55,000,000 years ago, why, after 160 years of debate and trial and error experiments, haven’t we closed the books on the Theory of Evolution? I mean we bitch slapped gravity, went to the moon, hung out, and came back with some cool recuerdos, didn’t we? MRIs, the Green Bay Packer sweep, frequent flyer miles, infomercials, Thalidomide becoming Revlamid, leisure suits, a Polish Pope, a Black President, and shouldn’t the science be settled like Ptolemy did for 1,500 years? Why is it hanging out there like a fart in church or a 4 day old latke?

The reptiles checked out; the mammals flourished. The rest is History.

The New Yorker announced a mew cartoon policy. One of my favorites shows 2 couples at the front door. One of them says, “Drink for drink, dinner for dinner, weekend for weekend, we’re even. Let’s call it quits.” “I said rich doctor, not witch doctor” has been sent after the Pioneer space probe. I can’t even mention the “Coon from Kuhn Loeb”.

The new policy is simple. Trump sucks, he must be destroyed, make it funny. It’s OK if you don’t.

Clint Eastwood makes and stars in great movies for more than 50 years. “The Eiger Sanction” is the best movie ever made about mountain climbing. It also reminds me of how much I miss New Mexico. I learned basic rock-climbing skills when I took an Outward Bound course at a Peace Corps training site in Puerto Rico, I learned enough to become mediocre. The penalty for being mediocre on a mountain, tethered to a 3/8^th inch rope 

running through a carabineer hanging from a piton that you have driven far enough, hopefully, into a crack in the mountain, is death. All that a mediocre cello player can do is offend the memory of Bach. I have a scar on my left elbow that proves the adage “Whether the elbow hits the mountain or the mountain hits the elbow it’s going to be the same for the elbow. Thus ended my last successful rappelling sortiet at Dos Bocas dam, close to Utuado. “Not on belay”.

Michael Bloomberg has announced his availability for the Presidency of the United States. After failing to convince a disinterested and thirsty public of the dangers, I daresay the existential dangers, of unempty Big Gulps he has decided to end “Stop and Frisk” and replace it with kale enemas. I want to see him do that in eastern Kentucky just after he takes their guns away, just after banning tobacco and hog cracklings. He will also continue the hugely successful Obama policy of telling Putin to “cut it out” when he does something shitty. Plus, snake handling is doomed.

Go Mikey!

Congressman Eric Swalwell [D-CA], the author of the now universally accepted Swalwell Theorem, the one that posits that any charge made against Trump must be believed in its entirety until Jesus Christ himself walks down the middle of the Intracoastal proclaiming “Ego te absolve” and Fat Jerry Nadler signs off on it, did fart and shit in his pants on national TV. I know this because I am a serial phantom shitter and chapter President of the “Fart Proudly” coven. He did it, the turdish toad.

Not since Hoboken, NJ declared itself a “nuclear-free zone” – excluding MRIs, of course – has an American city distinguished itself – actually 2 cities as has Berkeley, CA and Brookline, MA done by banning natural gas, specifically gas from fracking [Full disclosure requires me to reveal that I fracked my first well in Duvall County, Texas in January, 1974. Both I and the Republic have survived. Duval County was where the plans for the DC Vietnam Wall were begun. Vide LBJ & Abe Fortas] Hoboken also distinguished itself because Gerrino’s, a good NJ Eye-Tie bistro, was where Judge Geoffrey Gaulkin, a classmate of Jack Adams at Caldwell High School and a supposedly distinguished sitting NJ Appellate Court Judge, entered into a wager that, haven lost, he welshed on settling. Of course, it was an unenforceable contract which are the only kind that must be enforced. Anyway, Berkeley and Brookline, distinguished by their denizens, all moon-bat, bat shit crazy poltroons who want to open a contemplation center dedicated to the scientific achievements of the great Lysenko and the early or maybe later poetry of Rod McKuen with both schools featuring non-Iambic pentameter stuff. Moon, June, croon, loon, goon, inter alia.

Anyway, Congressman Eric Swalwell [D-CA], the distinguished farter and shitter will appear at the opening with ex-Congresswoman Katie Hill, the rug-munching Sapphic libertine switch hitter, who is available for short term “box lunches”. The Congressman has promised both to fart and shit, a rare double honor.

I couldn’t get my Keytruda last week due to a Medicare SNAFU bordering

 on FUBAR. Bernie and Lieawatha will fix that, won’t they?

I am leaving Chick-fil-A for a while.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Hong Kong, 2019 Iran, 2009 – Should Trump abandon Hong Kong as Obama did Iran in 2009? Is it a case of “permanent interests over permanent allies”? We didn’t much care when the Serbs slaughtered the Muslims or the Hutus did in the Tutsis or the other way around, whatever, and nobody gave a rat’s ass when the New York Times acquiesced in Stalin’s slaughter of as many as 10,000,000 Kulaks with Kulak being a synonym for Jew. We have tons and tons of soy beans to sell. Not buy, as another Bayonne luminary, Tino DeAngelis did 56 years ago. Including ones he didn’t own. Vide Tino DeAngelis

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