1,500,000 years ago the Yellowstone Basin exploded. Life stopped for several centuries, 750,000 years ago the Yellowstone Basin exploded.

Life stopped for several centuries. The bad news is that we are in the window for it to blow up again.

Tip #1 - Borrow as much money as you can. interest only.

Tip #2 - Don't buy any green bananas.

Tip #3 - Aren't you glad the word "bullshit" is still around?

Tip #4 - Manatee sausage forte homeless, An idea whose time has come, no?

1,500,000 years ago the Yellowstone Basin exploded. Life stopped for several centuries, 750,000 years ago the Yellowstone Basin exploded.

Life stopped for several centuries. The bad news is that we are in the window for it to blow up again.

Tip #1 - Borrow as much money as you can. interest only.

Tip #2 - Don't buy any green bananas.

Tip #3 - Aren't you glad the word "bullshit" is still around?

Tip #4 - Manatee sausage forte homeless, An idea whose time has come, no?

April 19, 2015

Fred Grimm

The Miami Herald

RE: Time to say goodbye – Some comments on your unlinkable homage to jackassery in today’s Miami Herald opinion section.

Mr. Reaper,

Enough with the freakin’ manatees!

I single out these useless sea slugs because, if Darwin is right, maybe it’s time for those useless sea slugs to go; to go, as in extinct. The world has, so far, survived the unlamented loss of pterodactyls, assorted T-Rexes, and Neanderthals. Look it up, you boob.

Guilty White people will have to find a new way to recycle their 10 day old arugula and radicchio other than feeding these creatures. There is an unexpected benefit of cutting down our collective carbon footprint by not driving to an overpass and holding up traffic while disposing of unwanted Swiss chard, kale, and tofu.

Your lachrymose description of the tough times faced by panthers, black bears, wood storks, and sea turtles is touching. It is also Homerically dumb because, in its essence, it is anti-rational and anti-human.

The North Star of consistency common in the genetic makeup of modern American Liberals, a disproportionately addled group, is that the wretched excesses of the uber rich are what cause, in addition to putting out hit squads for barely animate flotsam and jetsam, rage in the ghetto, despair in Section 8 housing, long lines in clinics,

overburdened and underfunded public transit, a loss of “fairness”, teenage obesity and bullying, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and may be the underlying cause of why feral Muslim thugs don’t like us. 

It is owed to the ledger to say that the collateral damage caused by the Koch Brothers war on manatees was the loss of Midnight Basketball. “Hands Up” on defense and “Shoot” on offense is still good advice.

Woe betide the vulnerable sea slug if gazillioniares George Soros, Steven Spielberg, and Tom Steyer decide to try to break the sound barrier in their yachts on Biscayne Bay. In addition, we have to endure the 4^th generation of Kennedys, all proud members of the Lucky Sperm Club, flying gas guzzling private jets, to hector us on the evils of capitalism and the dangers of vaccination.

Logical thinkers who read your column have no choice but to believe that if the society that countenances a precious few to be uncommonly “lucky in life’s lottery”, to fill their garages with Bentleys and Maseratis, to get carpal tunnel syndrome from wearing multiple Rolexes, and for regarding farting through silk to be essential, is turned upside down the manatees will thrive, the children will dance, and the voice of the turtle will be heard in the land. 

It is an inconvenient truth but rich people hire poor people for 2 reasons: #1 is to enjoy the pleasures of being rich and #2 is to get richer. Poor people work for rich people for 2 reasons: #1 is to pay their own way and #2 is to get rich themselves.

If we get rid of the rich who will pay to take care of the manatees? 

Somebody has to change the oil in all those Bentleys. The poor in this country tend to smoke and drink beer. The more people who change oil in the Bentleys the more cigarettes and beer they will be able to buy. The more they buy the more taxes they will pay. A carton of smokes and a case of beer a week and we can have manatee pre-school.

But I digress.

Your concern for bears and panthers is touching. Why not alligators? They share on common trait. The want to catch you, kill you, and eat you.

I know that the dramatic increase in the number of undocumented alien pythons must make you tumescent. That’s what happens when you substitute feelings for ideas.

That’s what happens when you believe that Bambi is a great movie.

Accordingly, and by the powers of the office vested in me, I name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK 

[FOREVER]

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Manatee suffrage and a 105% top tax rate are sure winners in 2016, don’t you think?

Ronald Reagan? Arthur Laffer? Milton Freidman? The evidence of your own eyes?

A minor te deum should be raised when a fire breathing modern American Liberal comes to his senses.

It today's unklinkable Sun Sentinel Op-ED about "enterprise zones " you say that a tax cut that will disproportionately benefit rich people, mostly White, is OK if it benefits poor people, mostly Black.

[speaking of "tax cuts for the rich" how can you give tax cuts to the poor since by definition they have no income?]

Perhaps a successful Sistrunk revival, a revival caused by reducing several types of taxes, can lead to a park where trees, the ones that money grow on, and where geese, the ones that lay golden eggs, can flourish. Do you think it could lead to a never-ending Summer of Recovery?

If I can find it would you like to borrow my Adam Smith tie?

"The Way the World Works" by Wan niski and "Property and Freedom" by Pipes would be useful as you "come out of the cave and look up and see the stars".

April 6, 2015

S.A. Sullivan 

The Star Ledger

sssullivan@njadvancemedia.com

Mr. Sullivan, 

Your article on the after tax effects of the proposed Exxon/NJ settlement in today’s Star Ledger bespeaks a lack of knowledge of how Orwell spoke of the real world.

“Stones are hard, water is wet.

If that is granted all else follows.”

I am going to assume that while you have signed the back of a pay check you have never signed the front of one. Thus, you would never have to come to grips with the inconvenient truth of the horror, the horror of learning that your salary is deductible to the entity issuing it.

It gets better.

Your underlying premise – corporations are bad, profits are evil, and evil doers must be punished – does not augur well for an early arrival of the much delayed, long anticipated Summer of Revival.

The simple, irrefutable truth is that profit is what makes the dog hunt and the mule plow. Even the great Lord Keynes agreed with that with his repeated call for tax cuts as a way to increase profits which he knew would “create” jobs. [Look it up]

You know – of course you do because you’re writing about business, right? – that corporations don’t pay taxes. Never have; never will. They, like advertising, legal fees, insurance premiums, 3 martini lunches, the aforementioned salaries, and emoluments to the local chapter of the “Undrown the Polar Bear” crusade are expenses borne by the shareholders

Your extra credit assignment is to find out who said the following:

At best, taxes are an enforced exactitude. The taxpayer is under no

 obligation to arrange his affairs in a way that favors the government.

 It is a patriot’s duty to pay the least amount of taxes possible.”

            The answer may surprise you.

        2 more things:

        #1 – Who the hell is PIRG? You cite them several times with no qualifiers. Forget about auditing the Federal Reserve. Has anyone ever seen their tax returns? Do they file tax returns? How about a certified financial statement? Do they get any money from George Soros? The Koch Brothers? Tom Steyer? 

        #2 – My grandfather shoveled coal at the Bayonne, New Jersey Standard plant beginning in 1896. My father was an iron worker there in 1919. I worked at chemical plants on Hook Road where the Exxon plants were located.

       There will be a 5^th Gospel before anyone can find any proof of the existence of wetlands there or anywhere else on the New York harbor side of Bayonne.

       I have GCed the removal of underground fuel tanks. I know what a remediation plan is. It seems to me that the shareholders of Exxon are about to be charged for the restoration of property to a state that never was. 

       I am sure they will be pleased to know that it is tax-deductible.

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Soros, the Koch Brothers, and Tom Steyer in the same sentence? They have one thing in common. Every time they write a check the IRS gets less money.

             

March 30, 2015

Rhonda Swan

The Sun Sentinel

rswan@evolutionslifecoaching.com

RE: Do the math – A comment on why modern American Liberals can’t get Florida to support Midnight Basketball as tearfully reported by you in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Swan,

“Florida House members should

Support good Senate bills”

The Sun Sentinel”

Today

You

“Conflate” is the sanctioned word du jour of modern American Liberals, Of course, nothing can replace “gravitas”. Of course, nothing ca surpass “gravitas’, a word that sprung full grown from the furrowed collective brows of up appallingly biased media, to describe Dick Cheney in the election of 2000 but here’s a candidate.

There is a simple way to get the “Florida House members [to] support god Senate bills”. 

“Just win baby”

Al Davis was on to something. In February, 2009 President B. Hussein Obama, America’s most successful community activists and the best President we have, began a hectoring session with Republican Congressmen with the soothing lines of “There was an election. I won. Get over it”.

Doubtless, he learned from one of Saul Alinsky’s favorite mentors, V.I. Lenin, who set it all out in a snappy little book called “What’s To Be Done”. If you control the votes you can pass whatever you want. I offer as an example the Federal law called the Freedom of Religion Act. It is the model for the law that 20 states have now adopted, the last one being Indiana. In1993 it won all but 3 votes out of a possible 535 in Congress. President Clinton, and whatever else he was he was not a homophobe, couldn’t wait to sign it.

Isn’t that the way Democracies are supposed to work?

I’ll repeat this if necessary but you seem to be “clean and articulate” so that probably shan’t be necessary.

Elect more Democrats to the Florida legislature and you’ll be able to pass anything you want. Elect a Democratic Governor and she’ll sign legislation mandating that everyone must fart through silk.

Wait a minute. Wasn’t that how ObamaCare got passed?

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

April 4, 2015

Robert Steinback

The Sun Sentinel

“As I see it, the proper role of religion is as

an aid to introspection, not as a tool for

projecting power and influence over others”

The Sun Sentinel

April 3, 2015

You

If I read this correctly, and if career choices could be changed retroactively, Martin Luther King, Jr. would have succeeded his father as the premier pastor/preacher in Atlanta. Mother Teresa would have been allowed to continue her good works provided she kept quiet about them

It’s Holy Week. Here’s a pop quiz.

Who said “Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error”?

Listen carefully. The Hound of Heaven is a dog that will bark.

KS

April 4, 2015

Letter to the Editor

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Job application

Sirs, 

If a transgendered crossdresser asks a Muslim bakery to prepare a cake celebrating the marriage of his/her father to his/her brother/sister, with the cake inscribed with lard saying Allah Ain’t So Akbar, and is refused, who, if anyone, is the victim of a hate crime?

I know the answer

That is why I am applying for the job of deciding which vox populi is “good” and which vox populi is “bad”.

The hectoring headline of today’s editorial

RESPECT WILL OF THE VOTERS ON AMENDMENT1

with regards to the allocation of tax revenues, said revenues coming from the tax on real estate transactions, to land and water conservation, suggests an eclectic indignation that is embedded in the DNA of modern American Liberalism.

If the voice of the people is to respected as if it came “ex cathedra” on Exhibit A – the environment – and not on Exhibit B – same sex marriage – does the decision process mimic the inanimate plight of the thermos? The thermos keeps the hot things hot and it keeps the cold things cold. How does it know the difference?

I, as a gimlet-eyed observer of the passing scene, as a literate curmudgeon who can tell the buttered sided form the dry, can help you make those distinctions.

I will give you #1 & #2 free of charge.

#1 – “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” -  ??? Send a SASE

#2 – Your favorite color is plaid

I am too old to expect the courtesy of a reply but it is the Easter season and I can hope, can’t I? Who knows what Peter Cottontail has in his basket?

The couple will be registering at Total Wine, Tiffany’s, Victor/Victoria’s Secret[s]  and Big Al’s gun store.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

March 30, 2015

Congresswoman Lois Frankel

2500 N. Military Trail #490

Boca Raton, FL33431

RE: Oy! All this tummell and its Passover too.

Congresswoman Frankel,

Am I too far out of line to say that, unlike previous letters to you, none of which was neither threatening nor obscene but rather well constructed, I will have the courtesy of a response? After all, I am a constituent.

I begin by telling you that I am not a Jew. I quickly add that the man who founded my Church was. That man was Jesus Christ of Nazareth, a blue collar son of Mary and Joseph.

Judaism, the first leg of the Judeo-Christian tradition upon which Western Civilization is hinged, is indelibly stamped in, on, and through my DNA markers.

Thus I join with Norman Podhoretz, Michael Garrett, Ben Stein, David Plotkin, Charles Krauthammer, Mel Katz, and the ghosts of Sam Ginzberg, Imre Rosenthal, Senator Moynihan, Senator Helms, and Max Katz in asking, in the name of Elijah, what the Hell is going on with Obama. Toss in the spineless toads who curry his favor.

In addition to never having had a Yiddishe kup has the Democratic Party lost its soul? Is there anyone left to say Kaddish for a political party?

I suppose his cultural and paternal background – Forget about his “lack of slave blood”. Would going back 5 generations on his father’s side give us an insight into the salve gathering business? – his sitting in a church for 20 years where the preacher was a viper who reeked of anti-Semitism, and the Logical conclusion to the perverse doctrines of modern American Liberalism will cause him to hire lederhosen-clad youth singing the Horst Wessel song at this year’s Easter Egg Roll. I hasten to add that it will be followed by “Imagine”, “Don’t Stop Thinking about Tomorrow”, “Happy Days are Here Again”, and “It’s All About the Children”.

It is, to cite Churchill, “a time of limitless peril”.

When the President of the United States dispatches a surrogate to announce that “50 years of Israeli occupation must end” it can be said without fear of contradiction that “the world is turned upside down”.

Should this year’s Summer of Recovery arrive on time will work begin on a mass transit favorite of an increasing number of Democrats, the 21^st Century Limited. It will not require any local variances or eminent domain proceedings. There will be only one stop, it being Auschwitz.

This year, when “Next year in Jerusalem” is mentioned, it may be the last time it can be said because next year there may not be a Jerusalem.

It is not the Israelis, it is not some itinerant Swedish Lutherans, it is not Moldovian Anabaptists, it is not some Evangelical Christians, it is not some pissed off Tea Party loudmouths who are beheading Coptic Christians and burning Prisoners of War alive. When the other side begins and ends all conversations with “Death to America” and/or “Death to Israel” perhaps they should be taken for their word.

Kevin Smith

March 29, 2015

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE A chance to show that you are on the side of the Angels.

Big Stein, 

I was into your George Zimmerman column, the one that says his name is now a four letter word, when I got to the part where you mentioned the “clowns” at Fox news.

Even though I realized that turning on my TV would be proof positive of my uncaring attitude about polar bears drowning and coral reefs disappearing – Electricity comes from burning coal and coal causes polar bears to drown and staghorn coral reefs to die, right? – I said I would risk it.

The first 2 “clowns” that I saw, Juan Williams and Howard Kurtz, were pointing out some of the deficiencies of Senator Cruz. At the bottom of the screen was a news crawl about the rage at the horror, the horror of Indiana passing their version, the 20^th state to do so, of the Freedom of Religion act.

 

[In 1993 Congress passed the law on which all state laws are now based. There were only 3 “NO” votes out of a possible 535. It was signed into law by that old red neck cracker, Bill Clinton]

It is now approaching, like all du jour outrages of modern American Liberalism, a “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot” moment.

It’s too late, I think, to pull a Martin Luther King birthday brouhaha, the one that caused the NFL to get out of Arizona. Since I don’t think that enough Hoosier high schools can name Barney Frank and Rosie O’Donnell as the reigning regents of the upcoming proms I suggest an alternative for the Sentinel.

DON’T COVER THE FINAL FOUR

Kentucky is a big tobacco growing state.

Michigan just became a Right to Work state

Wisconsin’s Governor is Scott Walker.

Duke is in North Carolina, a state that had Jesse Helms and Sam Ervin as its Senators. Even though Helms adopted a less than perfect Black child he was, as is well known, a serial racist. Ervin spent his entire public life trying to stop little Black boys from going to school with little White girls.

And they will all be playing in Indiana?

Boycott it. Don’t cover it.

It will make you feel warm all over.

Just like not eating grapes made your elders feel back in the ‘60s.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS - Have Little Stein try to find out about Trollope. One of his characters, Phineas Finn, is acquitted of a murder most foul. The Judge tells him to go home with honor since he is the only man in the Empire found to be not guilty of this crime. Just like George Zimmerman. Just like OJ Simpson. Alas, not like Ricky Ray Rector.

March 28, 2015

Letter to the Editor

The Sun Sentinel

RE: God’s Holy Trousers! Could this be the end of Western Civilization as we know it? Some comments on your unlinkable editorial – one that proclaims proudly that yes you can perform your own colonoscopy – about endangered coral reefs and a 400 year- repeat – 400 year plan to rescue them. I swear that you said that today.

Sirs,

“It will take more than $250 million –

and an astonishing 400 years –

to replenish the coral reefs”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

Youi

All of you

Each and every one of you

Once you accept the fact that George Costanza, he of Seinfeld fame, is the puppet master, the one who makes everyone dance to his tune, the veil is lifted, the fog disappears, and all things become possible.

As I read your editorial about a 400 year plan to save coral reefs I looked around trying to find the hidden camera with Alan Funt in the director’s chair. He is like the horizon. Everyone knows where it is but no one can ever quite find it. To read the editorial and not have your head do a Lind Blair “Exorcist” roundabout requires both an iron will and an iron mask welded to your shoulders with your head Gorilla Glued to it.

I held your editorial up to a full length mirror. I expected to see an orange haired dude in a polka dot costume come crashing through with bags of flaming cat shit ready to be flung as he shouts “Gotcha”.

I shouted “Shazaam” at it several times. Nothing happened. 

I searched for my Rootie Kazootie decoder ring hoping I could use it as a Rosetta 

Stone to figure out what the Hell you were talking about. I put fresh aluminum foil on my “E T phone home antenna” but there was no answer. The Godot-like Summer of Recovery will be twice gone before it will be deciphered.

400 years?

How much gin has to be mainlined before you came to that number?

I can see where multiple sub-dermal hematomas have not impeded your ability to type. To reason? Absolutely. To be bound by the discipline of Logic? Absolutely not.

The total absence of even a trace of a sense of humor to be found in the DNA markers of modern American Liberals has never been more plainly shown.

400 years.

Johnathan Swift would have been impressed. Mel Brooks is. Too bad Professor Irwin Corey is not here to push your plan.

You say that the task of restoring the coral reefs will be “Herculean”. One of the tasks he completed was the cleansing of the Augean Stables. [We should hum a minor te Deum for Google] I don’ think that Hercules in his full power and glory would be up to the task of cleansing the editorial aerie of the Sun Sentinel. It would prove to be one task too far. 

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – I have suggested every year since 1997 that you show us the way, that you set the standard, that you raise the banner to which all environmentally-minded citizens may repair, to decrease our ever growing carbon footprint, to undrown polar bears, and now to save the coral reefs. It’s simple. You’ll kick yourself for not thinking of it sooner. Turn off all you’re A/Cs.  Start with the months of July, August, and September. Not for 400 years. Not for 40 either. Just for 4. Try it. You love yourself for doing it. Those reefs, particularly the fiercely independent staghorns, will remind you of a Lazarus 3Columbus Days hence. 

Who says developmentally disabled adults cannot make their own way in life? Not I. Res ipso loquitur. Plus, we will be in your debt. 

OOOPS! I have to change my pants again.

You people should do an Infomercial on relaxing enlarge prostate glands and for unblocking impacted bowels.

Your Mr. Fleshler told me a week ago that Federal law required him say it would take 400 years to solve the problem. I cannot find any such law. If it is out there it falls into the Mr. Bumbles category. “The law is a fool, the law is a ass”

March 21, 2015

Jenny Staletovich

The Miami Herald

RE: Here comes Big Bird! – Some comments on your delightful but unlinkable Page 1 story on the continuing Man v Progress story about winged carrion eaters and Walmart, the anti-Christ, Typhoid Mary for profit entity from hillbilly Arkansas, the proud home of Whitewater, periling all the good things in America.

Ms Staletovich,

Think back to the glory days of TV Sit-Com when George Costanza had a lynch mob in hot pursuit after he burst the Bubble’s boy bubble.

Who would want to hurt the Bubble Boy?

A developer – Is that a 4 letter word? – is not waiting for the eternally still-born Summer of Recovery to resurrect itself. He wants to build a 250,000 square foot mall, featuring an indoor ski slope. It will “create” 500 construction jobs and as many as 2000 retail positions. Its main tenant will be Walmart.

[One of the complaints shared by every modern American Liberal journalist about the various venalities of Walmart is the beyond dispute claim that when they come to town Mom & Pop businesses are driven into extinction. When the 18 wheelers hit Main Street on the way to the just built mall the 21^st century version of Walton “creative destruction” a la Schumpeter is both in tow and in store. It is owed to the ledger that 2 points be brought up.

#1 – What is wrong with low prices and quality merchandise? Who was harmed when Walmart broke the stranglehold on the prices of prescription drugs? Certainly not inner city single moms, usually women of color, with a potentially feral teenager in need of a good Ritalin and Dilantin regimen.

#2 – If devotion and preference to Mom & Pop businesses is the paramount factor in making personal business decisions how many scribes, silent sufferers of the “non-malodorous fecal matter” syndrome, can raise their hands and swear that they have never bought a book from Amazon? Take your time. You’re under oath. “You hold your soul in your hands as if it were water. You open your fingers at your own peril.”

As to the birds….

I am el jefe of the Broward County chapter of the Ben Franklin School of National Mascots. He wanted the turkey, not the eagle. The eagle was a fierce defender of its territory and its extended family. When its productive days were over it fed its owner’s family. When was the last time you heard of Eagle Tetrazini?

The eagle, despite its avian narcissism, is not a good hunter. It either steals food from its lesser raptor neighbors or it eats carrion.

I will pledge allegiance to the Church of Evolution, a sect whose main tenet is still unproved 150 years after its initial announcement, when the turkey adapts to the life style of Food Stamp devotees, the manatee. If it weren’t for legions of nit-witted, Green loving Friends of Solyndra, throwing week old cabbages to them these sea slugs would starve.

Bubble Boy?

Bald Eagles?

Manatees?

Here comes Walmart!

The first 5 years of low prices are the hardest. 

Meanwhile, lock up your daughters.

What time is the destruction of AA batteries at the Church of Luddites tomorrow?

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – If bald eagles are so protected why can I buy an eagle headdress at any Sioux reservation out West?

March 17, 2015

Ana Veciana-Suarez

The Miami Herald

RE: In which “ad hominem” arguments are restored to their proper place of honor in response to your treacly, sugar-rush article on Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky in today’s Miami Herald.

Sra. Veciana-Suarez,

First, the good part.

She seems to be, to quote Vice President Curley Biden – named after the smartest stooge – “clean and articulate”

Buckle up. Here comes the good part.

She may have been better served if she had gone to, like all the other residents of public housing in DC, any of the really fine schools there.

Then she may have had a chance.

She didn’t so she is an expensive prep school patina glossed Kardashian.

She, like her mother, has done nothing – zip, nada, zilch, bupkis – for her first 35 years. Her mother was hired by the largest law firm in Little Rock, akin to the world’s smallest violin, when her husband was elected Attorney General. Through hard work, great negotiating skills, and a superb court room manner she was made a partner in said law firm. It was just a coincidence that this happened just after her husband was elected Governor. Honest. Glass ceiling? Fuhgedaboutit!

To be fair she simplified the process of buying land by substituting all the mortgage business with a time-sales contract, just like when you buy a used car from the guy with the electric blue shirt and the patent leather shoes.

Now Mom looks like an aging hooker working 3 card monte scams at truck stops stuffing dollar bills in her exponentially expanding WD-40 larded Lycra knickers. 

But I digress.

Let’s get back to her cojones grandes. Sometimes metaphors have to be mixed.

She spoke to 1,200 women – a bit sexist, no? – about “investing in women and children”. That she did this with nary a hint of mirth nor a soupcon of whimsy is a testament to the strength of her mitochondrial DNA. Truly the Gods of Satire are suffering from terminal enuresis, proof yet again of the value of togas.

Her father, living proof that nothing succeeds like excess, and her mother, America’s most publicly humiliated and abused FLOTUS of the 20^th century – knowledge of FDR and JFK’s extracurricular swordsmanship was revealed post mortem

are now making a living hustling Ayrabs.

It doesn’t take much to figure out that these Islamic thugs want to be fleeced. For tip money they are buying a marker on a future President or even an ex-President.

Lest we forget, these sons of the desert have solved the harrowing hunt for the elusive “G” spot the old fashioned way. Cut it out and the chase is over, at least for the vixen.

The ladies who aren’t stoned – Did you know, did Chelsea know, did Hillary know, did you know, that there is a protocol for stoning women “taken in adultery”? The rocks can’t be too big lest they kill her too quickly. They can’t be too small lest they kill her too slowly. Only the right size will do. That’s why there is always a demand for Key lime sized stones. Honest.

BTB, how is that #BRINGBACK OUR GIRLS working out? I don’t hear about it anymore so I guess it worked out OK. It did, didn’t it?

Has her mother told her how she is going to react, assuming that she becomes President, to her being paid only 78% of what Obama got? That’s been a chick mantra for so long that it has to be true, right? How do you cope with guys making 25% more than you do? It would piss me off too.

Do you think her Mom learned from Nixon? If he had burned the tapes he would have been in office until January, 1976. 

Maybe she was/is in charge of deleting the e-mails.

Say this for her. Her parents taught her well.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – I think I may have been too harsh on the Kardashian kids. Deep down, like most modern American Liberals, they know that they are full of shit. They are out there where the regular buses don’t run. All they have is “a shoe shine and a smile”. They are proud of the fact that they will steal a hot stove. At least they don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s rain. If Bruce Jenner wants to denut himself Chelsea’s father will buy them. Better to have them and not need them to need them and not have them. He never knows when something will come up.

March 19, 2015

David Fleshler

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Will life be worth living once the noble staghorn and the sensitive elkhorn, both endangered coral reefs, are further ravaged? Some comments on your article about these victims of man’s predatory nature plus a plan to save them.

Mr. Fleshler,

 Some days I wonder if it’s worth the trouble to chew through the leather wrist restraints. Not today, thanks to your Page 1 story of the horror, the horror, to be faced should these reefs go walkabout like pterodactyls, carrier pigeons, Tasmanian Devils, and assorted T-Rexes.

The other thing is whenever I see the word “coral” I think of my wife’s father. He was an officer on a United States Naval vessel in the Coral Sea where, despite the Kellogg-Briand Treaty and the Washington Naval Arms Limitation Treaty, the Japanese wanted to sink the ship on which he served as a surgeon. Having dodged that bullet he then spent 2 years on the Atlantic escaping Nazi U-Boats. 

I mention the above because there are some things that are important. Other things, less so.

Who says satire is dead?

THE COST OF SAVING PRECIOUS CORAL

NEW PLAN SAYS

RESTORING 2 SPECIES

WILL TAKE $250 MILLION –

AND 400 YEARS

The Sun Sentinel

Today

Page 1

You

Forgive me. Who am I to say it’s satire? It may or it may not. Either way it is proof that even lilies can be gilded. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. Not a smirk. Not a sly grin. Not even a raised eyebrow. No mirth, nowhere.

“Climate change is beginning to creep up in terms of causes” is attributed to Jennifer Moore, a fisheries service biologist.

Is “climate change” the global cooling that we were told 40 years ago would kill us 15 years ago?

Is “climate change” the global warming that we were told 25 years ago would microwave us to death 10 years ago?

Man began to apply the scientific method, one of the jewels of Western Civilization, as a way to answer the question, “What if?”

The question knocked Ptolemy off his perch as Top Gun in Astronomy. It made electricity respond to our commands. It harnessed the atom. It bitch slapped gravity and went to the moon and came back.

“250 Million and 400 Years” does not prompt a question. It prompts a statement.

SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT TO ME

I have 2 ball caps I wear. One says “RIGHT-WING CONSPIRATOR. The other says “PROUD GLOBAL WARMER”.

I will mark the vernal equinox in 2 days be listening to a lecture given by my favorite Italian climatologist, Professor Vivaldi. You could profit from the same exercise.

Speaking of climate change, specifically global warming…I think it gets a bad rap for 2 reasons:

#1 – It got us out of the last Ice Age, remember?

#2 –Temperatures spiked upwards 1100 years ago. More land became more arable. More farm land, more protein.  More protein made people smarter. We wound up with the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante? da Vinci? Michelangelo?

I have been begging the Sun Sentinel since 1997 to show us the way to cut our carbon footprint. It’s so simple. Turn off all your A/Cs. Coal burning produces the electricity that powers our A/Cs. It also fouls the air, poisons our wells, causes catarrh, and, doubtless, kills our underwater friends. 

What is so rare as a day in March when jackassery such as yours is presented to the public? Lummoxes, clods, and nit-wits are wetting their pants in joy.

400 years? We can’t waste a minute. In fact, start it yesterday

I understand that manatee poo, because it is organically bid-degradable and gluten free, is the best healing agents for the wily rough cactus coral and the obdurate lobed star coral. Why not round up a few thousand of these useless sea slugs and put them in a corral over the seed beds? Feed them month old kale, Swiss chard, endives, and arugula laced with Ex-Lax and Metamucil. How about a 501c3 for their benefit? Even Lois Lerner would approve.

Meanwhile, I think I’ll retire to Bedlam. It’s peaceful there. Serenely quiet too. There are benefits when the boobies run the hatch.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Although the headline says $250 million the story says $254,540,000. I am glad to see that there will be no smoke and mirrors, kick the can down the road budgeting. Let’s get started!

March 8, 2015

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: It can’t get worse, can it? – Your Jeremiad about the pitfalls of alternative life styles

Big Stein,

  First, Neanderthals get a bad press. The main reason why their DNA is only found in the basement of the Smithsonian is because they were shy and introverted. Because they were not open to the possibilities of enriching their gene pool they drowned in 6 inches of water. Ask Little Stein and Boss Stein to check it out. [That we are now into 50 generations of Muslim inbreeding may explain a lot more then we want to know. If 10 people chosen at random form an adultery stoning seminar can look through a key hole with both eyes the chances of them winning any Nobel Prizes is, let me be Christian here, diminished.]

“They can choose to be Neanderthal knuckle-draggers.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today 

You

Since I don’t believe in Midnight Basketball and since I now know that Godot will get here before the Summer of Recovery does. I prefer to be called a 

“bitter clinging, knuckle-dragging, Koch Brothers funded Troglodyte”

To add ”gun loving, Climate Change denier” would be a bit over the top, don’t you think? I do, I mean I really, really do value your opinion.

All of which leads us to some pesky questions.

You list some 10 things in your unlinkable column that exclusively afflict homosexuals. Why, pray tell, do they then call themselves gay?

Allow me to put my toes one toke over the line sequestering Logical fallacies that were once thought to be the sole province of modern American Liberals. Modern American Liberals are “useful idiots” who thought, at least from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941 that Hitler was an OK guy. They believe that Julie and Ethel got a raw deal and that Alger was railroaded. They forget that without a Republican President appointing Earl Warren and William Brennan to the Supreme Court Plessy v Ferguson would have gone on a lot longer. Facts and History notwithstanding they know that Vietnam was the fault of Nixon. They forget that without the help of the 2 to 2 minority GOP Senate the 1964 and 1965 Civil Rights acts would not have become law. They know that raising taxes and chaining business with Stamp act regulation is the way to prosperity. They know that Hillary, AKA Madame DeFarge, that “in the long run what difference does it make” sum it up very well. They know that “if you like your doctor you can keep your doctor” didn’t mean that “if you like your doctor you can really, really keep your doctor”. Can we stipulate that only Neanderthal knuckle-draggers believe that?

But I digress.

Matthew Shepherd and Jesse Dirkhising are both going to be dead for a very long time.

Is one more dead than the other? 

Why has one death, so Satanically similar to the other, been shot down the memory hole at warp speed while the other takes on conscience tearing, we are all guilty, traits?

The metric that applies to Matthew Shepherd and Jesse Dirkhising applies to  Trayvon Martin and Dillon Taylor.

Jesse Dirkhising? Dillon Taylor?

Thank God for Google. 

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

March 8, 2015

Amy Ohlmeiser

The Washington Post

Washington, DC

RE: Women on US currency –Some comments on your news story about putting a female on the $20 bill

Ms Ohlmeiser,

You are right on one point.

Andrew Jackson must go. He ran the second dirtiest campaign in American History. The fact that he did it before electricity makes it worse. Plus, he was an economic illiterate who killed Native Americans for sport.

As to who will replace him…

Is it a requirement that she be an American citizen?

Antigone, Boedacia, Elizabeth the First, Mother Teresa, Margaret Thatcher inter alia leap to mind.

I suggest 2 of your potential honorees be disqualified for cause.

#1 – Rachel Carson – She was a pseudo-scientist who made Lysenko look like your high school biology teacher rather than the wing-nut moon bat that he was. Her writings led to the banning of DDT, a political act that has had 45 years of carnage attached to it. Not only did we ban its manufacture here we banned its licensing for foreign manufacture. There is one non-contestable fact attached to the ban. It may or may not have helped voracious raptors; The jury is still out on that. DDT killed mosquitoes. Mosquitoes carry malaria. Malaria kills 2,000,000 – that’s 2 million – sub-Saharan Black babies a year. Every year. If that’s not genocide what, pray tell, is?

#2 – Margaret Sanger is the Pro-Death feminist who believed in 4^th trimester abortion, in involuntary abortion and sterilization [Buck v Bell], and selective breeding. Her views on race were such that Hitler used them as the basis for his 1934 Nuremberg race laws.

They both should be exhumed and flogged. They should then be returned to an enclosed concrete rebar-lined sarcophagus surrounded by 24 hour armed guards with bayonets pointing in.

If Barack Obama can win a Nobel Prize for just showing up why not put Hillary Clinton on the new $20 bill? She looks like an overweight aging hooker looking for $20 tips anyway. Plus she could sell her autographed 20 for 50. 

Wait a minute.

Isn’t that what her husband, Handsome Billy from Hot Springs and her daughter Chelsea, a chick well one her way to being a role model for layabout dilettantes, do with their foundation anyway?

Come to think of it, Andy Jackson doesn’t look that bad, does he?

He announced what he was going to do and he did it. He didn’t try to sugar coat or white wash it. Indeed, an admirable trait for a politician from any age. 

Kevin Smith

March 1, 2015

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Education Problems and the solving thereof in your column in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Big Stein. 

Having heard of the academic endeavors of Little Stein I am glad to learn of the presence of Boss Stein, whom you describe as a teacher. [If she is an English teacher maybe she can tell me if Wordsworth is still on the chick-lit shit list? Little Stein has not been able to come up with an answer]

I take it that you don’t think much of Utah. I suggest Monument Valley as an antidote to that seemingly elitist attitude to what qualifies as quintessential fly-over country. Maybe it’s too late for you but I believe that “as long as the light is left to burn the vilest sinner may yet return”. Plus, in my other life, I owned some coal leases there. I l like to think that if I had stayed in that business that you could thank me for A/Cling your “villa”, coal being the main ingredient in the “hit the button and banish summer and let the polar bears sink or swim” continuing series.

I mention Utah because you do.

“In Florida, we’ll have a critical test 

that was used in Utah.

Who knows Florida students better -

our teachers or somebody talking to 

students about life in Salt Laker City?”

Today

You

When Little Stein was in high school did he have any courses in Chemistry, Geometry, Spanish, Geography, Civics, Biology, Gym, or Music?

Is PI different in Moab? Are sit-ups done differently if a Mormon from Vernal has the whistle and the clipboard? Are the verb endings in the pluscum perfecto different if they are taught in Logan? Is gold still AU or silver AG in Ogden? Is it OK to listen to Mozart if you are hard by the Great Salt Desert? Are there any rhomboids in the foothills of the majestic Wahwahs? 

Is modern American Liberal “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” only to be found in parts of Broward County or has its importation been stopped at the Jordan River or at Swan Lake? [They both are to be found there]

“Every school and every teacher’s 

situation is different, just as students

are different. To treat them all like clones

makes no sense. Which is probably

 why it is being done.”

Ibid

Would I be far off if I were to assume that Boss Stein, in addition to her housekeeping and child rearing accomplishments, is a good teacher?

           Let us acknowledge some of the big bobbing turds in the punch bowl of American education. Why is a bad teacher paid as much as a good teacher? Why is a bad teacher paid anything? If failure isn’t punished how can success be rewarded?

         Did it not drive Boss Stein mad knowing that she and the boob or the boobette 2 classrooms down the hall had the same gross salary? Are the inmates running the asylum?

         2 Broward high schools, one public and one Catholic, won state championships in basketball this weekend.  That the non-athletic teachers should be held to the same expectations and standards as the coaches should be a given. It isn’t.  

        “Silas Marner” yes. “Beowulf” less so. “The Odyssey” never.

         I was speaking at an alternative high school some time ago. Talk about a captive audience! The alternative to listening to the curmudgeonly White man was to go to prison. I said that the reason for reading the Iliad, the first guts and gory war story, is that you get to read the Odyssey, the first love story. With that, a potentially feral Black teenager stirred. He said the Odyssey was about the dude who took 10 years to get back to his old lady, right?

         Absolutely, dead on, center perfect. Nothing but net.

         If “every school and every teacher’s situation is different” how can modern American Liberal apologists square that with the encompassing circle of Common Core?

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Do  you think it would have been better for American public education if the Obama girls had gone to any of the fine, really fine, public schools in Washington?

February 25, 2015

Congresswoman Lois Frankel

2500 N. Military Trail

Boca Raton, FL 33431

Ms. Frankel,

The President of the United States said “Religions don’t kill people. People kill people.” [Similar to “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people”, no?]

I guess that’s why his spokesmen said, after 21 Coptic Christians from Egypt were beheaded by economically disadvantaged Muslim community activists, “21 Egyptians were killed”,

Why then, after the above, did he express outrage at the murders of 3 Muslims in North Carolina? First reports indicate the alleged perpetrator had no discernible church affiliation. As each Coptic Christian head was severed shouts of Allah Akbar were heard. Was an executive order issued saying that the deaths of 3 outweighed the deaths of 21. Are 3 murdered Muslims worth more than 21 beheaded Christians? The world wonders.

I know “after the first death there are no others” but shouldn’t some sense of proportion – 21 to 3 – have prevailed? Why “outrage” at one but not the other?

I am not Jewish but the man who founded my church was. I am thunderstruck at the number of American Jews who jump the line so they can be among the first to drink deeply of the modern American Liberal Kool-Aid, a toxic brew made from a 1930s formula. History tells us how that worked out.

It is past the time to ask if it is good for the Jews. Such is the continuing power of American Exceptionalism that a particular truth can be made into a universal: If it’s not good for America it can’t be good for the Jews.

It is “emmis-truth” time.

  Will you attend Prime Minister Netanyahu’s speech?

Kevin Smith

February 23, 2015

Congressgal Lois Frankel

2500 N. Military Trail #490

Boca Raton, FL 33431

RE: Who is charge here?

Congresswoman Frankel,

Can you tell me, as a constituent, why the Obama administration would announce that 35,000 Iraqi troops would invade Mosul by April? It has not yet been announced whether it will be a night time attack or a day time attack. Nothing could go wrong there, right?

Do you have any idea what this country will do when Czar Puitn, having digested, anaconda-like, Ukraine, goes to the border of Estonia with 2 or 3 divisions armed, ready, bellicose, and eager? In case you don’t know, Estonia is a member of NATO and, as such, is entitled to protection by other member states should they be invaded. The NATO treaty, having been approved in the proper Constitutional manner, has the force of law. 

What will we do? What should we do? After all, “they are a faraway people of whom we know little”. That didn’t work out too well when Chamberlain said but, quien sabe, maybe the leopard has changed its spots. Maybe the lambs will queue up to snuggle with Simba. Maybe my brother the hunchback will straighten up. 

If poverty is the root cause of terrorism why didn’t Kristallnacht happen in this country in the 1930s? At one point, the unemployment rate was 25%. If memory serves, the violent crime rate declined in ‘30s.

I am not aware of any Swedish-American Lutherans or Siciilian Catholics, or Moldovian Anabaptists who cut the heads of prisoners, who crucify Christians, who Joan of Arc POWs, or  who kidnap thousands of pre-teens to become sexual slaves. 

Do you suppose the improper implementation of supply-side economics has anything to do with it?

Would a successful “shovel ready” jobs program that led to a never ending “Summer of Revival” for the “wretched of the earth” have allowed the Jews randomly chosen in a Kosher butcher shop on a Friday afternoon – Let that sink in – Jews? Kosher butcher? Friday afternoon? Try to figure the odds on that being random – to still have heads to which they could put a yarmulke? 

As bad as having someone piss on your back is it is made worse when the pisser wants you to join him in a chorus of “I’m Singing in the Rain”. Now that’s chutzpah!

I have still more bad news for you. 

Mitch Caesar, the Big Boss Man of the Broward County Democratic Party, announced on Sunday in the Sun Sentinel that women are topped out at 82% of men’s pay. I hope that now that you know it that you and Little Debbie Wasserman-Schultz are able to contain your justifiable outrage should you find yourself in the same plane as Congressguy Alcee Hastings. At the very least he should buy all the drinks on the flight home. Flowers and chocolates would be a nice gesture also.

February 26, 2015

Al Roker

The Today Show

30 Rockefeller Center

New York, New York 10013

RE: It’s almost as good as shitting in your pants in the White House, right?

Dear Putz,

Yeah, you

What a putz!

Your stretching of the envelope of Putzdom is of such Herculean dimensions that it can never return to its original shape.

I read this morning of you blubbering clap-trap folderol about the snow in Boston being caused by Climate Change that was caused by Global Warming that was caused by Global Cooling that was caused by unicorns escaping from the Bermuda Triangle [only to become gluten free faire for drowning polar bears who are lactose intolerant] where can be found the lock-box that holds the exact co-ordinates for finding the exact location of Atlantis which, as all students of History know, was the result of a practical joke played on the world by Plato, one of the pre-eminent Dead White European Males, 25 friggin’ centuries ago. And, yes, you can look it up.

Ptolemy, Malthus, Owen, Lud, Sanger, Lysenko, Mead, Carlson, Gore-Gump, Mann, McCarthy, and dozen modern American Liberal luminaries chosen at random share one trait. They are dumb bastards who are phenomenal bullshit artists for whom the scientific method is a spee4d bump on the road to lunacy. They appear at no specific time to hector us that the world will be ending at noon on the first humid day after an unknown equinox that has been hurried a long by the Koch Brothers, “bitter clingers”, and people who are just plain mean, selfish, and nasty.

I recall with great joy the testimony of Meryl Streep before Congress of the dangers of Alar on apples and how, if unchecked, it would lead to a plethora of  scrofula, otalgia, ainhum, or something like that. Another cabeza de ca-ca. 

And speaking of ca-ca, Michele says if you are going to shit in the White House try to do it by the Rose Garden.

Kevin Smith