September 17, 2018 Mayor Michael Ryan

September 17, 2018

Mayor Michael Ryan

City Hall

10770 Oakland Park Blvd. West

Sunrise, FL 33351

RE: Think globally; act locally: Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in Sunday’s Sun Sentinel about Florida following the lead of California and committing to “100% net-zero carbon emissions by 2045” or Guy Fawkes Day this year, whichever comes first.

Mister Mayor,

I was going to congratulate you on your brave stand on fighting Climate Change by shutting off all the A/Cs in public buildings in Sunrise but, Jeepers, you didn’t, did you?

I mean what the Hell are a few more drowning polar bears compared to keeping municipal employees comfy, right? But then I saw that you were following California’s lead in the never-ending culture war. Like the health benefits of public crapping have never been emphasized enough? Will you have a voluntary period where Sunrise citizens are “encouraged” to come to City Hall and drop their knickers and shit in front or will it be cold turkey and you must come on your birthday date every month and crap to show your fealty to Gaia, the Great Earth Goddess?

Do you have any hospitals in Sunrise? I know that, having banned single use plastic straws, you will be looking to conquer new worlds. Hospitals eat plastic like T-Rex ate injured lambs. 

Hospitals, nursing homes, rehab centers, emergency clinics, veterinarians, fast food places, convenience stores, undertakers, florist shops, Publix, libraries, tarot readers, pet stores…no plastic, ever again. See if you can get Gandhi’s home spinners. 

How are the plans for the unicorn farm going? Are you still trying to hire Ned Lud to run it? You need colder weather than is normally found here to grow rainbow stew vines. Ditto for balloon juice bushes. But keep at it. It’s not your money, is it?

My friend, Sam Johnson, was wont to say, “Such stupidity, sir, is not to be found in Nature.” That he got to the Hebrides, there is no doubt. Too bad he missed Sunrise.

Kevin Smith

PS – I still get a warm and fuzzy feeling when I remember that I fracked my first oil well in 1974. It is still a chalk bet that you, using both your hands, couldn’t find your ass in a phone booth.