May 1, 2019 Eric Swalwell is a Democratic member of Congress from California

May 1, 2019

Eric Swalwell is a Democratic member of Congress from California who has joined the great unwashed, truly “lesser breeds”, who are running for the honor of getting their asses kicked in 2020 by DJT, aka il Magnifico. Although I am a proud legatee of White Privilege, I am not familiar with his district. That is to say that I am not aware if, prior to  voting, the electors, both dead and alive – I am from Hudson County, remember? – must do a “trou” drop and shit in the street like their betters in LA & SF do while pledging allegiance, obeisance, and fealty to John C. Calhoun,  a slave owning, true son of the South and the founder of the political theory that allows Sanctuary Cities. But, it being California, they will, they will.

He doesn’t like Trump. In fact, he would like to Cuisinart him and put him in a fondue pot.

He believes that DJT railroaded the Rosenbergs, that he paid for the hooker who sent out FDR with smile on his face, that he killed all those people standing in front of the Morgan Bank when KKK lover Wilson was President, that he killed McKinley and Garfield, and that he told Harrison that the rain wouldn’t last.

Out beyond the edge of credulity, or maybe not, this fucking moron believes anything bad, particularly anything particularly egregiously bad about our beloved leader. In fact, and in tribute to a hire the handicapped campaign, this dopey bastard has a law degree. He has expanded the envelope marked “presumption of innocence”, one of the 2 things that will survive the end of the British Empire with the other being the standard English breakfast as explained by Horace Rumpole, late of the Old Bailey. Swalwell’s Addendum says that any allegation against DJT, however specious or spurious it may be, must be believed until it is proved false. And not just false but false beyond the shadow of any and all doubts, including those sworn to by Michael Avenati.

Using this new precedent, I now address the allegations about Congressman Adam Schiff, [D-CA], aka “Pencil-Necked Geek”. [It is owed to the ledger to point out that “Pencil-Necked Geek” was a creation of Classy Freddie Blassie of WWE renown] It seems that he liked to cruise down the Hershey Highway, the one that Barney Frank turned into toll road ending or beginning in his basement. It is nor known now if he looked for a pitcher or a catcher just so long as he was a team player. Also, there is an allegation that he settled, with taxpayer funds, a sexual harassment suit involving pre-pubescent pederasty. Also, there was a 10b-5 alleged violation about an IPO purporting to show all the hot spots in Gomorrah. 2 of the witnesses have been turned to stone.

Let the record show that he denied the allegation but that here may be some merit to the 1934 Securities Act violation.

But using the Swalwell Doctrine, the one predicated on disproving an alleged negative allegation, the one alleged to be positively negative – By krikey, I am starting to sound like pezzonovante modern American Liberal. I am starting to feel better already, now that I don’t have to think.

Here’s the key to the whole kerfuffle. Until this tour guide to Gomorrah has been gelded, keep this slimy bucket of eel shit away from the playground.

I repeat my directive from last week.

First, ask yourself if Swift really wanted to boil and eat Irish babies. Second, ask yourself if Mel Brooks really does like Nazis. Third, does anyone other than Maxine Waters still think that Trump was sending a secret message to Putin when he asked if the KGB could find Wide-Bottomed Hillary’s 33,000 missing e-mails?  Ask if the asshole DC Councilman ever found out the meaning of “niggardly”. Then, listen to Kate Smith sing “That’s Why Darkies Are Born”. Then read the lyrics. I now speak ex cathedra. If the song is racist how did they get Paul Robeson, who while he had not yet won the coveted Lenin Peace Prize, was well on his way to earning it, to sing it and record it? If it and she are racist let’s dig up Al Jolson and make him eat trayf – oysters and fat back for starters - and rebury him wrapped in pigskin. Also, did Jeeves work for Bertie or was it the other way around? 

“Curley” Biden, and what’s the over/under on when he goes to a hospice, wants to “rebuild the middle class”.

 Trump has had the checkbook for 27 months. Whathsiface had it for 94. Of course, he was busy apologizing for all the evil shit that happened any where, any time, and any place. When did the middle class get whacked? I’ll type slowly. You said in Pittsburgh that the tax cut benefited people like Tom Steyer, George Soros, Ron Buckle, and Steven Spielberg. Take your time but will someone please tell me how you give a tax cut to someone with no income. Here’s an important lesson from “Hard-Earned Lessons of Life”. If you subsidize something you have more of it. I offer as Exhibit #1 the simple fact that 55 years after declaring War on Poverty in Ann Arbor, Michigan in 1964, each and every candidate, living or dead – [I am still from Hudson County] - has promised to do a Lazarus on the middle class. If really smart people, and there were no dumb poverty warriors, couldn’t figure it out since before the Gulf of Tonkin – Thank God for Google! – what makes you think that t his pandering mob of grifters can? BTB, if ObamaCare is so successful why are 11,000,000 people still uninsured? And speaking of socialized medicine, why did Mick Jagger have a simple heart surgical procedure done, not in England, but in Manhattan? Doesn’t Pennsylvania, the state where you spoke yesterday, just record the lowest unemployment figures and rates since they began to keep records?

I’m sorry the middle class missed this. Was it caused by 50/50s? How about cake sales or winning Lotto tickets?

I have read a lot of History. I must have missed the part about where a society taxed its way to prosperity. Could you tell me when this happened? Sumer? Gibbon’s 5 Emperors? Africa before the Dutchies landed at Cape Town? The Aztecs before Cortez? The Incas before Pizarro? The Russkies after Lenin but before Stalin? 

Happy May Day!

There are rumors that Bernie, the Bombastic Bolshie, will invoke the ghosts of Leon Trotsky and Stakhanoff, the legendary Soviet coal miner, and beg for a miracle in Venezuela. Nothing big, just arroz con pollo for everybody. 

It will be interesting to chronicle how the bird-brain loons react to Venezuela. Did it happen because of Socialism or did it happen because of bad Socialists? The genius of Hayek, author of “The Road to Serfdom” and winner of the Nobel Prize, was acknowledged by his friend and ideological adversary John Maynard Keynes. Keynes wrote to him before he died and said, “I was wrong; you are right.”

The only way Socialism can possibly work is if a very smart guy decides that all cars should be dark blue which would be bad enough for “blue haters” but that he must acquiesce in the hiring of large, unsmiling men who will punch you in the mouth if you disagree. That is the universal template in any country that proclaims itself to be Socialist. Other than the simple, irrefutable fact that it has never worked anywhere it is an interesting academic exercise, similar to the number of angels who can dance on the head of a pin, and usually best argued over a heroic amount of beer.

Socialism will work when a large man stands in a big bucket and tires to pick it up by its handle. Also, the way to stay warm in a Socialist bed in the winter is to cut a foot off the top of the blanket and sew it to the bottom. Repeat as many times as necessary, particularly if you want warm feet cum warm shoulders

I wonder if Crazy Bernie’s Perpetual Suffrage, which now extends to H. Rap Brown, the Menendez Brothers, and, maybe, Paul Manafort, will include A.G. William Barr? Will Chelsea Manning, not quite nee Bradly Manning, get 2 votes because he until gets the old-fashioned de-nutting, snip, snip, he is truly a switch hitter.

Nancy Pelosi was reminded of the good old days when her father, Tommy “The Torch” D’Alessandro, was the Mayor of Baltimore. He would regularly be treated for burns on his hands because he liked to steal hot stoves. The current Mayor Baltimore, Theresa Pugh, missing for almost a month, resigned today. Using the aforementioned Swalwell Doctrine as the predicate, it is alleged that she stole the pencils from the blind man’s tin cup and that she did, literally, steal the Lord off the Cross and ate him. She gives cunos miserables a bad name.