September 10, 2019 Speaking of chicks playing guys’ games...

September 10, 2019

Speaking of chicks playing guys’ games, am I the only one to notice that Serena Williams is about a quart and a half of seasoned chicken fat away from playing goal line defense for the Dolphins this Sunday? One more peach cobbler and she’ll have an ass that’s an ax handle and a half wide. If she can’t make it in the NFL, she’ll be the pitch lady for Nutrisystem. Drink their bilge and run around her a few times a day and you’ll look like Twiggy. We don’t need no stinking ERA.

  I am going back to the New York Times this Sunday for the first time March, 2003.

March, 2003. Two wars. One in Baghdad; one in Augusta.

The one in Baghdad is best remembered for the picture of Saddam Hussein’s statue being toppled That happened because men died. The dustup in Georgia was because of the disproportionate number of urinals. The other thing, the thing that got most of the knickers knotted, was the unilateral imposition of the insulting ladies’ tees. At best, it a recognition of empirical evidence that the best of the fairer sex can’t hit them as far as the number 161 on Men’s Tour List, he’s the guy who has to play his way in every Thursday or he goes home in a leased SUV. The picture best remembered from that spat is of a male anti-protestor holding a sign that read “Iron my shirts”. Not exactly “Cartago delenda est” but we have smaller targets these days. don’t we? The consolation is that “Dea vult” now has the whip hand. Not exactly Horatius at the Bridge but from a culture that wants to ban pronouns it will have to do.

Speaking of gender inequity, how about doing something about the imbalance at Arlington National Cemetery? How many chicks died at the Wheat Field? At the Little Big Horn? Are still in the USS Arizona? Why doesn’t the silhouette on the MIA flag wear a bouffant? And Serena still has a fat arse 

My first memory of the Times is from a cold Sunday in 1950. My father, the legendary Judge Smith, used to read the 2 Arthurs – Krock and Daley – to me. By the late ‘80s I was an itch that 2 generations of Sulzbergers couldn’t scratch. By then, W.R. Borders, identified as a National Editor was assigned to be the cutout between me and them on the subject of Walter Duranty.

[Duranty was the first example of Russian collusion in our elections, in this case 1932. He was a bought and paid for agent of the KGB who spread the lie that while there were problems in Ukraine they weren’t as bad as anti-Revolutionaries in the West made them out. While there were isolated food shortages Stalin was not starving the Kulaks. 

It all worked out in the end, didn’t it? FDR won, despite running on a promise to balance the budget. He immediately recognized the Soviet Union. Duranty won the Pulitzer Prize Between 6,000,000 and 10,000,000 Kulaks – a synonym for Jews - died from starvation but the broad tale of the narrative held. Hitler noted that nobody in the West cared. He also promised to keep better records

Did I forget to tell you that Walter Duranty was an employee of the New York Times? Also, when his perfidy was discovered, the Times did nothing, said nothing to at least condemn him. Duranty’s star hangs undisturbed in its Hall of Fame, to this day. {Pop Quiz – What do you think the Times would have done if the 1934 Pulitzer Prize winner for Foreign Correspondence had betrayed his employer and his country like Duranty? And yes, he was also a Times employee}

Anyway, I took it upon myself to congratulate as many Times employees who won Pulitzers as I could. I would detail the Duranty episode and ask them for their opinion. Linda Greenhouse told me she had never heard of him. I offer that as proof that Left always bury their dead. And yes, I always cc’ed the Boss.]

I stopped reading the Sun Sentinel and the Miami Herald for 2 reason, the same 2 reasons. Both raised their prices so much that I am surprised that Senator Lieawatha Warren did not call for hearings and scalpings with her screaming “Take that Custer”. At the end, both papers were invisible. There was nothing left in either save for POO – Perpetually Outraged & Offended – editorial writers and the occasional flame throwing modern American Liberal opinion snitterish Jeremiah. Local coverage, including high school sports, was non-existent. There was no there there. I’ll come back when you have something to offer.

There is an important lesson to be re-learned here.

When people stop buying your product raising your price is not the way to increase market share. I suggest the evidence of your own eyes will confirm that.

[The 1934 Pulitzer Prize winner for Foreign Correspondence was Frederick T. Birchall, the New York Times correspondent stationed in Berlin. Try to imagine what the aerie. a nest nurtured on “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome, on 44^th Street would have sounded like if they discovered that their man in Berlin was a Nazi running around shouting “Todt Juden”. And this was before they hired Herbert Mathews and Harrison Salisbury. Talk about a “Kill them all, God will know his own” moment!]

It won’t be the oh so achingly familiar editorials and the oh so achingly familiar op-eds – Where they find so many functioning head up their ass modern American Liberals is proof that Senator Suet Kennedy was right in 1980 when he said at the Democratic Convention at Madison Square Garden, the one that assured the election of the Great Reagan, “The Dream never dies.” The “immortal dream” is the eternal fuel that powers the “rainbow stew” and “balloon juice” buncombe that never ends. “Any public policy that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul’s support” has been updated to “I won’t tax thee; you don’t tax me. I know. Let’s tax that fellow behind the tree.” 

Can I take a page from Pancho O’Rourke’s play book and say “Morons! Fucking morons! Why am I surrounded by such fucking morons?” At least they’re not “feckless”. 

   It's not the NYT puzzle that pulls me back.

 I did my last one on October 3, 1999 on an American Airlines flight from DFW to FLL. It was witnessed by Tom Fiedler, the one-time Big Boss man at the Miami Herald, who said, “Oh, you do it in ink”, as I put my pen down like a minor league Aquinas in not quite Tuscany.

Sports has been downplayed for decades. I will scan the college football scores trying to see if Plainfield State still warrants national attention. Probably not.

I hope the business section just gives me the raw numbers that let me decide. Favore, is it too much to ask that your keep your editorials on the editorial page? 

I know that Arts & Leisure and the Book Review are dedicated to the simple premise that Trump is a shit and must be not only be destroyed but made to have never existed. And yes, even they can learn from Orwell

Why go back?

I need the tactile sensation of printed paper plus if the choice is between the monkeys holding the cup – Hello Herald. What’s up Sun Sentinel? – and the guy holding the monkey I’ll take organ grinder

Besides, quien sabe, maybe this will be the Sunday they drive a stake into the heart of Walter Duranty, Did I tell you that they supported slavery in 1864? They did.

I don’t care about coupons.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Federal Judge #150 was confirmed this week. Every time I think il magnifico may be leaning over the edge of the abyss called wretched excess I am reminded of my local Bull granting indulgences of January 23, 2016 for anyone thinking of voting for DJT. I mentioned 2 vital things” #1 – He wasn’t Wide-Bottomed Hillary and - #2 – He would get to pick the Judges. How’s Justice Ginzburg feeling today? One more completely different thing. Forget Starbuck’s. Disguise yourself for anonymity’s sake, if needed. Go to Walmart’s for a bag of their gourmet chunky chocolate chip cookies. 3 for .98 cents. If you don’t like them, I’ll eat them and what’s the over/under on the number of dipshit Dumocrats who will stand up at the debate in Houston, Texas – repeat – Houston, Texas and Adios to the fossil fuel business? Vanity demands that I announce that I fracked my first oil well 150 miles south of Houston in 1974. I have a huge number of plastic straws. Send a SASE.