October 26, 2019 John Brennan, and, dear reader, you are commanded to look up the meaning of the word Ananais, and I share a few common traits.

October 26, 2019

John Brennan, and, dear reader, you are commanded to look up the meaning of the word Ananais, and I share a few common traits.

#1 – We were both born Irish-Catholic.

#2 – We are both from Hudson County, New Jersey

#3 – We both went to Catholic schools.

#4 – To borrow a term from James Joyce, another Irish-Catholic, albeit not from County Hudson, who was also schooled by nuns, priests, and brothers, Brennan and his faithful companion Ballast Clapper, are about to enter the treacherous “snotgreen sea, the scrotumtightening sea” of oath taking, of lawyers with serpents’ fangs, and a mob who will not succour piss on you when you go ablaze.

I don’t know what your feelings are on cocaine but Brennan is addicted to one of the cardinal sins of modern American Liberalism. “I’m good, the other guy is not just bad but evil. Thank God for the hubristic narcissism that allows me to become 10 feet tall and bullet proof as I go about Allah’s work and slay the infidel.”

Soon to be a game changer, and one that will evoke Cain and Abel stories, will be when your faithless companion, the spineless Clapper,  a minor  league Munchausen, aka “Cheese Dick”, turns on you so fast – or perhaps you on him, whatever – that the maneuver will be used to cure tinnitus and vertigo. And then we will learn that one of the bed rock principles of Hudson County will be observed in the breach. 

Once you stop being a “stand-up guy” nothing is lost save honor.

Dante is working on a 10^th, and even an 11^th Circle for you and your weasel pal.

Bend a knee to the perpetually prescient Samuel Beckett/George Costanza School of What’s Happening Now. Today is both National Pumpkin Day and the oxy/fentanyl themed Take Back Your Drugs Day. The deal with the drugs, I think, has Federal money behind because, after winning the 120-year war against illegal substances – and you thought the successful War on Poverty was long, you ninny you – they had to spend the leftover money. 

Having saved the Feds a lot of money by pointing out that indeed it takes longer to evacuate a crowded plane than it does a plane that only has 12 people on it, particularly  if the crowded plane is either on fire or sinking or, God forbid, sinking while on fire, I offer this money saving idea that may have the serendipitous result of you not having to hire competent defense counsel.

The government wants you to gather up all your unwanted drugs, be they from CVS or Carlos Danger or Pierre Delecto, and bring them to a designated drop off spot. That’s about as smart as the combined energy/tax policies of Bolshie Bernie and Lieawatha Warren.

Here’s my idea. 

Gather up all you little green and blue friends, particularly the ones that either have no name on the bottle or come in tiny plastic bags. Go to the smallest room in the house. Lift the top of the only seat in the room. Dump the contents into the not quite-Halusian Gap. Flush. Flush again. The third time is still a charm.

You’ll feel a whole lot better plus, you won’t have to make bail.

I don’t know what you did that you hope lives on but my attention to the ozone layer more than 35 years ago is one thing less on my bucket list. Senator Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. slum lord, serial toxic waste polluter, and tobacco advocate, and before he became known as Vice President Alpha Gump, used to lecture/harangue/carp/bellyache and hector everybody, and I mean everybody, about how the loss of the ozone layer was going to kill us all. I read this week that the people who measure such things are reporting that the hole is the smallest it has ever been. Doubtless it is Gaia, the Great Goddess Gaia, giving us one last chance to get our shit together and save the planet. And to quote the late, great George Carlin, with whom I shared an English teacher, “Where do we get the balls to say we can save the planet?”

Anyway, back in the glory days of the Carter fiasco – he was the worst, hands down, the worst President of the 20th century – I would every morning after finishing my AM ablutions, open the bathroom window and discharge a healthy dollop of Right Guard spray deodorant skywards. Obviously it worked because the dreaded ozone hole is pretty much all closed up.

I spoke to a pollster this morning who asked me about the LQBTUU community. I said Allah ain’t so Akbar if he wants his votaries to duck-tape all finochios, be they Sunni or Shia, and see if they can fly by chucking them off the roof of a 9-story building. 

As reparations for daring to question the ideological hegemony of the meretricious Mandarin moneylenders, and why haven’t they taken down their own Goddamn wall knowing that walls are malum per se and scream White Power, will the NBA be required to reserve a roster spot and guaranteed minute for One Hung Low, the bastard child of Chucky Chan’s #1 son?

How did Harvey Milk, who using the Brett Kavanaugh model of the more serious the allegation the less due process is due him, a potentially serial paedophile, wind up on a stamp while George Moscone has yet to have a bus stop named by the Presidio named after him?

I’m confused about the lynching kerfuffle.

 Democrats in general and FDR in particular were opposed to Federal anti-lynching laws. Everybody loves “The Ox-Bow Incident”. It’s OK for Fat Jerry Nadler and Slow Joe Biden to use, repeatedly, the word “lynching” during the Clinton impeachment dust-up. It was, at best, morally neutral, for Clarence Thomas to use “lynching” to describe what modern American Liberals were trying to do to him during his confirmation hearings. So it’s OK for today’s Democratic pols to talk about lynching but not a Republican. And speaking of words that mean all things to all people what was the name of their political party that gave us Auschwitz, Treblinka, and Dachau? Give up? The National Socialist Party. Perhaps you know them by their more popular name, Nazis? Perhaps not.

Hayek told us that the aim of Socialism is not social justice. The aim of Socialism is power, total power. Once they have to total power – Stalin, Hitler, Mao, Castro, Mugabe, Chavez – they can scratch the itch of their “Fatal Conceit” and try to make the vison of Solzhenitsyn and Orwell come true. Think of an upturned face with a boot on it. Absent that and there is no chance that the tried and failed head up their ass balloon flies. 

I know that Angelo Mozilla – Countrywide mortgage, remember? – gave Senator Christopher Dodd a “special” mortgage deal, a deal that many U.S. Attorneys would empanel a Grand Jury to consider bribery charges – pushed the edges of the envelope marked Politicians and Ethics to oblivion but I did not know that he hired Nancy Pelosi’s son Paul as his private bag man. “Bag Man”? A Hudson County term made famous by now Senator Menendez in the 1970s. Send a SASE.

Kevin Smith

PS – Good news form the Fertile Crescent. There is one less feral WOG. A Muslim killer named Baghdad Alkazeeri Saladin or something like that got to his private stash of infidel virgins early. He got his ass blown up so that it resembles a pint of hummus. One of the more famous sons of New Jersey, Admiral Halsey, said on various band and chats with his troops that the “Only good Jap is a dead Jap”. The same rule ap[plies here.

Speaking of Halsey, we are within the octave of the 77^th anniversary of the most glorious year of any navy in the History of navies. Let me include Salamis, Lepanto, and Trafalgar. They were battles. I speak of a year. The American Navy sailed to Japan just after Pearl Harbor and bombed Tokyo, bloodied their yellow noses at Coral Sea, kicked their Shinto asses at Midway, and then went toe to with them in Iron Bottom Sound and emerged victoriously triumphant. And Halsey was there.

All hail Kanye West! Not only has he come to know the Baby Jesus, he has come to be a most effective spokesman for DWEMs everywhere. 25 centuries ago, Sophocles said,”Free men speak with free tongues”. West said, “I am a free man speaking”. He objected to being told he could not speak well of Trump. Then he was told that religion had no place in American life. He told them to fuck off.