May 31, 2015

Senator Bernie Sanders

357 Western Avenue – 1B

St. Johnsbury, VT 05819

RE: My Mom was right!

Senator Sanders, 

“If you keep your mouth shut people might think you are a fool. If you open it there will be no doubt.”

Your public opposition to the perverse mendacity of multiple choices in deodorant and sneakers is breathtaking. On its face it has earned you permanent status as 

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK.

You also qualify for the second of my 3 awards. I hereby declare you

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH.

You got this much sought after honor the old fashioned way: You earned it!

Anyone who can stand in front of a national TV audience and tell them that they are stupid and selfish is further proof that if you trend-line any or all of the basic tenets of the dreaded modern American Liberalism hugely addictive venom you are on the one way express to a Wasteland filled with the remains of the victims of  Lenin, Stalin, Mussolini, Hitler, Mao, Peron, Castro, Pol Pot, Chavez, inter alia.

What is the thread that binds these murderers, these comic nit-wits, these feral destroyers of dreams? They all suffer from the Fatal Conceit of knowing and believing that they and they alone possess more knowledge then all the untermenschen they rule.

Free men making free decisions, based on what they believe to be in their best rational self-interest, is like sunlight to a vampire. 

Orwell told us that “the solid world exists. Its laws do not change. Stones are hard, water is wet…if that is granted all else follows”.

Welcome to the alternative universe of Senator Sanders! It is a world where the rules governing gravity are subject to change annually. If the Congress won’t go along you can always use your phone and your pen as President B.O. does.

“Midnight Basketball”, Solyndra, “reset” foreign relations, blaming White cops when Black people kill other Black people….and you pick deodorant and sneakers to start your campaign?

God’s Holy Trousers but you are Brobdanaglianly dumb.

I did not give you my most coveted award. I did not name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

because you obviously believe all the Jabberwocky jackassery you spew. 

Do you remember back in the early ‘70s when the biggest problem we faced was Global Cooling? A really smart guy, Professor Paul R. Ehrlich, told us that we were all going to die, either by starvation or by freezing, by the year 2000? I report to you that my A/C is on and I am still calorically challenged. One of my favorite past times was to release a healthy dollop of Right Guard deodorant out my bath room window after my AM ablutions. After 45 years it is time to admit that I was wrong. That feels good.

Do you think the President was correct when he told the graduating class of the United States Coast Guard Academy that Climate Change was the biggest threat facing the country?

Of course you do.

Your solution is simple and direct. And it goes without saying, which is why it must be said, that is wrong. Your head is so far up your ass that you could trim your nose hair from the inside. 

Whatever the problem the solution is the same. 

Increase taxes exponentially in the desire to make the rich poor. That way you can make the poor rich enough to fart through silk. And everybody in the country, whether they are here legally or illegally, gets a quart of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream – Do you think they have too many flavors? – plus free college and a machine that turns rain water into beer. A machine that makes $20 dollar bills will be ready before the beginning of your second term. Honest

A special tax on the Koch Brothers will easily pay for this. 

I look forward to following your campaign with much amusement, you boob.

Kevin Smith