March 29, 2017

If you chomped deeply into the 

GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction

                                                              turd pie you loved the Bermuda Triangle, right?

 Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster were big on your wish list. Has anyone seen Bridey Murphy recently? When you were a kid did you want a chemistry set so you could change clay into gold? I did. How about the machine that changed a dollar bill into a twenty? I still have instructions for proving that if you have 2 good hands you have 11 fingers. Interested? Send $10 and a SASE. 

I always watch the half-time show of the Rose Bowl in anticipation of a friggin’ flying saucer landing and a roly-poly dude with 3 legs, a mouth on the top of his head, and one arm consisting of a large middle finger, permanently extended, getting out and asking “What happened to the Green Bay Packer sweep?”

Maybe next year.

Speaking of the Bermuda Triangle…. call American Airlines and see if any of their planes are unaccounted for. Then try Royal Caribbean. Get back to me.

Did anyone die from eating Alar soaked apples, the ones that Meryl Streep warned us about?

Plato put one over on the world for 24 centuries. Atlantis. A real knee slapper. Look it up. He’s up with Zeus and the guys laughing his arse off.

Speaking of 20^th century pseudo-science…special mention should be paid to the t 3 Amigas. Rachel Carson, Margaret Mead, and Margaret Sanger. Frauds, yes. Charlatans and mountebanks, of course, but their real crime was murder. Carson killed more people than Stalin, Hitler, and Mao did. Outlawing DDT has caused the deaths of hundreds of millions of people. Mostly infants, and overwhelmingly 3^rd Worlders, their deaths are the result of 1^st Worlders, overwhelmingly White, wanting to feel warm and fuzzy. Margaret Mead, realizing early on, that there was not enough gin in Christendom for her to get and stay “lucky. She went to Samoa to learn the “horizontal tango”. Margaret Sanger’s theories on proper breeding and herd culling mead her Hitler’s favorite American. He based his 1934 race laws on her writings. A recent poll put her on the top of the Nazi pole, far ahead of the old corsair, Ambassador Joe Kennedy.

Anyway, Trump signing the executive order on climate stuff that undid the executive order – And why do I think this is not what James Madison had in mind? – signed by Usama Bahama Salalma, to cite one of Lard Kennedy’s introductions, struck a blow for the scientific method, rational discourse, clear thinking and against cant-laden mental diarrhea.

Yobama, knowing that he was paradigmatic template for “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome, said that Canute had noting on him. Drawing a red line in the sand, he said he would “calm the seas and cool the earth. Is it possible that hose things were written by Onion alumni?

Reductio became not quite so absurdum when fans of “Connect the Dots” figured out that people in South Florida, using electricity generated by burning coal to power their A/Cs, were drowning polar bears. Thinking globally but acting locally the immediate solution is obvious: A – Turn off all A/Cs. B – Dispose of them in an environmentally sensitive manner. C – Open the windows. D -Switch to caftans. You go first.

Whatever happened to Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc? Did a middle of the night executive order do away with it? Can it ever come back?

In 1968, back when LBJ was fighting 2 wars – The one in Vietnam and the one against poverty. At least the one in Vietnam ended. – Professor Paul Ehrlich, a multi-degreed dunce, told us that the race was on. We would either starve to death or we would be frozen solid. The finish line was the year 2000. As of this morning I am still calorically challenged and it’s time to change the A/C filters. And for some strange reason he blames the Roman Catholic church for the scenario. 

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr, the only man I know to flunk out of 2 graduate schools in the same semester, warned us for 35 years about the shrinking ozone layer. He warned us for 30 years, for 25 years, for 20 years, and then he stopped. [I did my part to either shrink the hole or make it larger, not being sure which was the worst, by squirting Right Guard deodorant out my bathroom window] He stopped because nothing happened. Ted Danson gave us 5 years to change our ways or the oceans would either turn into the Bonneville Salt Flats or would drown everyone in Denver. He gave us this warning in the 20^th century.

Do you remember the Kyoto Accords Treaty in 1995? Senator Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. now Vice President Alpha Gump, gave us this as our last chance to save the planet. It was not submitted to the Senate for its advice and consent. The reason it wasn’t was because the Senate had voted 95-0 against all the big ideas in it. Even Democrats had common sense them.

Although I am a First Amendment purist – If “Piss Christ” gets taxpayer subsidies for its road tours then we should be able to see the Mohammed cartoons -  there are some words that must be exiled when discussing climate. “Existential” must be stricken from the rolls. Sartre? Maritain? Uncle Tex the Weatherman? Kierkegaard? It’s so damn confusing. “Consensus of scientists” and “settled science” must be burned at the stake. Twice, just to be sure. Ptolemy posited a theorem about the earth and the sun that was “settled science”: for 15 centuries. That’s a millennium and a half. The “consensus of scientists” was absolute. There were no dissenting voices until one guy said, “pero si muove”. That day the world changed. Forever. It happens when “settled science” becomes unsettled.

It is a fact; indeed, it is a well-known fact, that umbrellas cause rain. You wouldn’t have rain if you didn’t have umbrellas.

Adults forget how to think. They substitute feelings and fantasies for Logic and ideas. The result is not just chaos in the real world, the world where “stones are hard and water is wet”, that world. It is the world where adults strive and sometimes thrive. They avoid sitting under the apple tree because “experience is sometimes the only teacher”. It is the world where effort is applauded and the world where results are rewarded.

Look out, Snowflakes!

There’s a new sheriff in town.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Amen, brother! After all these years, finally, something we agree on.

Big Stein,

At long last I know that my Redeemer liveth! We can draw water from the same water from the same well. Maybe it is time to break Florida up. Your column this AM mentions several good reasons for so doing.

Your missing Hillary Clinton is touching.

 I must confess that I miss her too. I wanted Craig Livingstone back as the gatekeeper. He’s the dude that Congressman Tom Lontos told to commit suicide, remember? Sidney Blumenthal, the man that Christopher Hitchens wanted to pummel, would have been a welcome addition. Has anybody heard from Lani Guinier or Ira Magaziner lately? Her brother Slobbo would be a roving free agent in charge of, inter alia, fixing parking tickets, pardons, and stealing hot stoves and the pennies off dead men’s eyes. If Hillary came back there would be a surge of “New York lawyers”, like Bernie Nussbaum. Let me give you a big wink here but we all know what a “New York lawyer” is, don’t we? In my other life I employed quite a few of them. Also, let the record show that if Pat Buchanan used that term the POO – Perpetually Outraged and Offended – would have burned his house down, preferably with him in it, chained to the wall. Who could resist the image of Denise Rich fellating Bill Clinton’s saxophone? Not me. I’m a sucker for love. Nothing personal; strictly business

Do you think HIllary would have put a turnstile on the White House with the proceeds going to the Clinton Foundation or would she have cut out the middle man and just PayPaled the loot into her personal account?

Chelsea, and God wiling she runs for something, anything, just got a life time achievement award from some chick group. Just think how much better it would have been if she got it in the Rose Garden. Bill’s brother Roger, his singing career having failed to gain traction, would be in charge of parking cars. Her Fagin-like father-in-law would have picked pockets. 

Back to new states. 

Cool Florida and Dreadful Florida are obvious. How about Southern North Carolina and Northern South Carolina? New Mexico and Viejo Mexico sounds good to me. Middle Dakota is OK, no? Maryland and Marvinland with the latter getting the crabs. Wait a second. How many is that? 56 by crikey. Close enough to get Yosama Bahama Salama off the hook for his head up his ass knowledge of geography. It was almost as bad as misspelling potato, or was it potatoe? Let’s draw a line in the sand and let the Marine Corpse guard it. Just the thought of Handsome Billy Clinton from Hot Springs, the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, fills me with tumescent anticipation. It is downright priapristic for aging males.

Here’s a question from a perplexed reader. Do you remember the Duke lacrosse rape case? How about the UVA fraternity rape case? They had 2 things in common. The media covered them like the world was going to end next Thursday at noon with women and minorities suffering, as usual, disproportionately. The other thing is that neither happened. They were blood libels that were stinking meaner than cat shit lies. Do you know why the rape in Maryland by 2 illegal aliens – Shove the undocumented dreamers’ label as far up your ass as you can – is going down the modern American Liberal media hole? Stop the presses. “modern American Liberal media”? I think I just answered my question. Maybe Socrates was on to something.

Have you ever seen the sign that says “Welcome to Arkansas, Mississippi is worse”? A mitigating factor that the defense could use is to proclaim that as bad as they seem to be they ain’t Muslim terrorists 

Just one more thing a la Columbo. 

Almost 20 years ago, Matthew Shephard goes to a saloon catering to non-urban finochios looking to hook for “a bit of the gobble” up to and including “rough trade”. Only Jesse Dirkhising suffered more with the difference being that he was kidnapped by feral homosexual predators while Matthew went willingly to the Dark Side. 

A nut case with a semi-automatic weapon shouts Allah Akbar while he shoots and kills 50 people in a cabaret catering to homosexuals. 

We celebrate Tennessee Williams leading the charge against homophobic cops in Key West. We celebrate the Stone Wall riots. We honor Harvey Milk while forgetting the equally murdered George Moscone. If we can get just one more miracle Papa Francisco will canonize him. Wait ‘til you see the stamp he gets!  

Does a Muslim shooter spoil the mAL paradigmatic template that says that hate crime can only be committed by hateful deplorables? 

Get back to me por favor. And light a fire under Little Stein. If Wordsworth is no longer verboten I won’t send copies of “Daffodils” to Middlebury College.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Anna Fusco

Broward Teachers’ Union

600 N. University Drive

Tamarac, FL 33321

RE: How can I miss you if you won’t go away? Some comments on your usual confusion about the anus/elbow location in today’s mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Fusco,

Fair warning, you boob.

I am going to use some big words and some big girl ideas. 

Buckle up.

You cite “overemphasis on test scores” as one of the reasons Why Johnny and Fatima still can’t read. Would not Logic dictate that if we do away with all scores self-esteem would increase and test results would soar? Remove all scoreboards, being sure to dispose of same in an environmentally sensitive manner. All games, at all levels begin in a scoreless tie and, more importantly, end in a scoreless tie. Everybody gets a participation trophy 

Wouldn’t this year’s Super Bowl have been just as exciting if the NFL had banned scorekeeping? Silly question. Of course it would have.

The serendipitous benefit here is that it would have a disparate beneficial impact on chicks. The extra burden of winning and losing requires that they have a “safe space”, a space where all the rules governing gravity are, y’know what I’m sayin’, suspended. Maybe in a show of solidarity with their Muslim sisters the ladies on the field hockey team wear burqas, hijabs, fatwas, and hockey masks. I can’t wait for the multi-cultural, diversity conscious guilty First World cabal who run the schools put non-gender specific lavatories into schools with a significant Muslim enrollment. I dare say the next PTA meeting will suggest that crucifixions will enjoy a comeback.

You cite the old African proverb that either it takes a village to raise a child or every village needs an idiot or there are more idiots than villages or some combination of the above. My favorite African proverb involve the interaction of a duplicitous scorpion and a naïve frog. Send a SASE.

You are about to enter the dark world of non-sequiturs. It is the world where sunt leones and terra leones rule. It is an arena where Logic and Rhetoric collide. Who says the Trivium is dead? Send a bib SASE.

The Sun Sentinel, the medium that gives you the weekly platform to proclaim that “Yes, I am a friggin’ moron”, has a Page 3 story about participatory democracy in the Congo. Due to sensible and strictly enforced gun controls, decapitation is enjoying a comeback. The paper tells us that 42 Congolese policemen were beheaded. I guess “Not All Black Lives Matter” is the slogan in the Dark Continent. 

Is there a connection is any of these disparate facts? Of course not! It is the reason why the term “non-sequitur” was honed.  It is the stuff that modern American Liberals thrive on. Plus it is organic and gluten free. It is the one thing that feeds your double-helixed gene, the one that allows you to go years without letting a single thought enter your battered brain.

You end your mini-Jeremiad by hectoring us with the mind numbing mantra “Save our Schools”. You say that the Broward Teachers’ Union is ready to help. “Ready to help”, like the fox volunteering to take attendance in the hen house. The only ting you can do to help education would be to “Exit Stage left, pursued by a bear”.

Once you are on the road, don’t stop until you reach Avernus, the final resting place most favored by teachers.

Kevin Smith

March 19, 2017

Anna Fusco

Broward Teachers’ Union

600 N. University Drive

Tamarac, FL 33321

RE: If you hear the words “friggin’ moron”, raise your hand. Some comments on your Homerically dumb mini Op-Ed on “sanctuary schools” in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Fusco,

First, you still haven’t corrected the thumb in your eye, turd in the punch bowl, error in re your organization. You say you are President of the Broward Teacher’s Union. I am going to go out on a limb here but I think you have more than one member. Out of respect to the memories of H.M. Fowler and Strunck & White it should be Broward Teachers’ Union. Honest. You could look it up.

How in the name of Socrates, John Henry Newman, and Robert Maynard Hutchins can you call yourself a teacher? I suppose if you take enough education credits the state will call you a teacher. It’s like barber school. The other barbers sit around and pass judgment as to who will be allowed to enter their profession. If that sounds like a combination in restraint of trade it’s because it is.

“uniformed, gun-toting strangers enter your classroom…”

I thought “uniformed, gun-toting strangers” snatched up Elian Gonzalez out of his closet. I don’t remember him being in school.

Pay attention, you boob. An important lesson will soon be taught. Perhaps not learned – In your case figuring out what to do with your thumbs would put you on the honor roll – but certainly well taught

“Thanks to our school board it won’t happen here.”

If that were the case – N.B. [that’s an abbreviation for Nota Bene, a Latin term for Note Well] that I use the subjunctive. Is that still taught in Broward? If the theory that Boards of Education can declare themselves sanctuary anything, Alabama public schools would still be segregated.

George Wallace stood in the door and told the United States government that they could not come in. The Feds said, “Step aside.” Wallace, “smart and no fool”, did.

I would have to stuff my ears with Silly Putty and Gorilla Glue and seal them with Duct Tape to keep my brains from exploding out if I thought you knew who John C. Calhoun and his Theory of Nullification was.

I’ll spare you the joys of discovery.

General Grant settled the science and declared the theory null and void at Appomattox on April 9, 1865. General Lee agreed. Has there been an unannounced change in the terms of settlement and surrender?

I tremble when I think that you have influence over the education of all those mush-brained utes in Broward County. 

Have you ever considered a career change? 

Foot-press operator? Keeping the ice cold at the local Palomino Club? Quality control at a balloon juice refill station? The dreaded private sector?

Anything to get you as far away from any and all schools as possible.

Kevin Smith

PS – Next time we’ll work on Shakespeare and imaginary numbers. Stay awake.

March 17, 2017

Jimmy Cefalo

WIOD-AM

Miramar, FL 33023

RE: What’s Pat Boone doing these days? Your radio ads for “your guy’s annuities”.

Jimmy,

“And it’s guaranteed, just like a CD”. As a matter of fact, it isn’t. The only thing that is guaranteed, “just like a CD” – drum roll, please – is a CD.

The main reason, indeed the only reason, it is not guaranteed “just like a CD” is because CDs have something called the FDIC backstopping them. That means that the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation has a checkbook issued to them by the United States Treasury to use if for any reason the CD issuer defaults on any of its guarantees. In other words, the full faith and credit of the United States guarantees that any check issued by it will be paid in full in a timely manner.

Yesterday afternoon I also heard you say that you would get “10% the first year and 6% every other year”. As of 3:00 PM Thursday the 30-year Treasury bond was yielding 3.13% while the 10-year Treasury note was yielding 2.52%. 10%? How?

I twice called the number of the issuer and got 2 different answers to the question “Who guarantees the guarantor”? It was a combination of heath agency bonds – I am not sure whether it was an individual state or a health care facility - that made up its guarantee base. One thing for certain. It was not the FDIC.

On a “guarantee” basis and on a “yield” basis it does not pass the bag test. If you have forgotten the bag test, I’ll refresh your memory. You put the deal in a bag. Close the bag tightly. Put the bag in a closet for 24 hours Take it out and open it quickly. Stick your nose in. If it reminds you of a locker room after 2-a-days have Haz-Mat take the bag out  to be cleaned and burned. In an environmentally sensitive manner, of course

If you think Ronnie Lott or Jack Tatum were tough wait ‘til you go one on one with a skinny, bespectacled lawyer from the SEC. Talk about wolverines!

Kevin Smith

PS- Pat Boone? He was a pitchman for an investment scheme. The only thing the Feds left him with was a begging bowl. Look it up.

March 18, 2017

Dan Sweeney

The Sun Sentinel

500 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: Headline of the Year even though it’s only March? I smell Pulitzer

Mr. Sweeney,

“Budget Cuts Aimed at Jewish Seniors”

The Sun Sentinel

Page 1

Today

You

“Headless Body in Topless Bar”

“John Garfield Still Dead”

“Liz Wants Dick”

And, of course, there is always the legendary

“World Ending – Women and Minorities to Suffer Disproportionately”

I didn’t have to read past the headline. It would be like improving a Cole Porter lyric or a Tom Brady comeback/ How about substituting “Aging Christ killers”: next time? Despite his serious Jew son-in-law and his grandson’s briss you can always blame Trump.

Kevin Smith

March 19, 2017

Tom Shea – President

Right Management

1301 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Lack of chicks in Science or Math classes has your knickers in a knot? Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel bemoaning same. Just one more brick on the load thanks to Trump, yes?

Mr. Shea,

“What will it take to bring more of South Florida’s

 girls into science, technology, engineering and math”?

I begin by saying that my daughter has 16 credits of As in chemistry. One of her degrees reflects this.

Can I suggest a quick modern American Liberal solution to not having enough ladies in the lab? It is a most vexing social problem, ranking above “plastic or paper” but below radical Islamic terrorism. Here it is.

No guys in STEM classes.

Watch the chick scores climb.

Problem solved. Case closed.

Can I have some apple pi?

Kevin Smith

March 21, 2017

Zaylore Stout, Esq.

333 Washington Avenue N

Minneapolis, MN 55401

RE: Does Chick-Fil-A use chickens raised by Nazis who are members of the KuKluxKlan?

Weren’t they the ones who said Barney Frank was running a rump poking – boys only – Knocking Shoppe in the basement of the Capitol? The bastards!

Mr. Stout,

Do you think Chick-Fil-A is selling rubber chicken? Do they have super chickens whose steroid and hormone levels enable them to swim through boiling water every day with celery and some bouillon cubes taped to their wings? That’s what gives them their great lo-fat, gluten free, chicken soup. It’s the only meat based product that has the PETA stamp of approval. Why? Because the friggin’ bird lives, you nit-wit. Next year they will have full benefits and a 401K.

“We just wanted to make sure that Chick-Fil-A was put

on notice that we will be monitoring their activities.”

You

The facts would support the interpretation that the above quote could be construed as corporate stalking.

What if they were to offer a copy of Dick Gregory’s autobiography? Forget the title?

Send me a SASE

One thing is certain. You are a half-assed horse’s ass.

Here’s another group to stalk. Its name screams racial discrimination. Plus, they get a ton of taxpayer money, money that comes from all races. And worse, they get their offices rent free in a large Federal office building in Washington!

I am talking about the Congressional Black Caucus, you buffo ninny.

Kevin Smith

PS – Zaylore? Do you have any relatives named Eeyore?

March 21, 2017

Councilman Zeke Does Cohen

100 N. Holiday Street #400

Baltimore, MD 21202

RE: Does putz mean the same in Baltimore as it does in Florida?

Councilman Cohen,

I just heard you say, inter alia, that the population of Baltimore went from 1,000,000 to 650,000. Wrong, you schmuck! It went to 620,000. [To a modern American Liberal 30,000 non-aborted people is a rounding error. Have you noticed that cities run by modern American Liberals are hemorrhaging people like a reverse Topsy? Not wishing to confuse correlation and causation only a dunce would fail to notice the connection.]

Then I heard you say that students who can’t speak English make the schools they attend better. Would not Logic dictate that First Aid classes would be better if gun-shot victims and myocardial infarction cases were real? Only a really smart person, one who believes deeply that you can give tax cuts to people with no income, could spew such dreck.

No wonder the Colts went over the hill. They knew that somebody like you would be coming along.

Then I heard you say that Federal agents, particularly people charged with enforcing immigration law, people like those who snatched up Elian Gonzales at gunpoint in the middle of the night – Remember? – are like Nazis, particularly the Gestapo. HOW GOD DAMN DARE YOU!. 

Then you mentioned Willy Horton.

 It is owed to the ledger to note that Willy Boy was imprisoned in Massachusetts for rape and murder. Governor Michael Dukakis, a fervent believer in “There is no such thing as a bad boy”, gave him a week-end furlough. He went to Maryland where he, surprisingly, raped and murdered again. 

 Do you suppose that maybe, just maybe, there are bad boys? [It is anathema for mALs to believe in the existence of evil. All crime is caused by poverty, domestic instability, cruel big business, uncaring governments, and taxes that are far too low. Trump’s presence makes it worse. One good thing Trump has done is to make Bush 43 look good. Go figure.

 It is an observable fact that the world is filled with Screwtapes and Wormwoods. Having ignored them for so, so long you find yourself in “a time of endless peril”. Your solution to the critically ill patient – 50 years in intensive care with no improvement – is double the amount and triple the toxicity of the Kool-Aid in his IV.

For the above, even though it is only March, I name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

And yes, putz means the same up there as it means down here. The same for schmuck.

Kevin Smith

PS – What percentage of the feral youths roaming your city like rabid dogs live in public housing? Do you think there might be a connection? Here’s a solution. Raise the minimum wage. How about $22.50 an hour? That will solve the problem, right?

March 19, 2017

Ron Klein, Esq.

Holland & Knight

1 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Once a boob, always a boob – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on climate change, drowning polar bears, and Redskin disturbing pipelines in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Klein,

“At a time when hurricanes, storms, and other

weather events are even more threatening…”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

You

IN typical modern American Liberal protocol, the one that allows you to never let facts interfere with your argument, the one that encourages use of the gravity defy8ing machine, you confusingly conflate correlation and causation. In the name of Ned Lud it sure as Hell beats thinking.

#1 – How did Greenland get its name? How did it lose it?

#2 – 10 centuries ago there was an upward spike in temperature in Europe. We wound up with the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante?

#3 -  5 centuries ago there was downward spike in temperatures in the Adriatic. It had a palbable, significant effect on certain trees. Stradivarius used this to his advantage. Do you have a problem with hearing Bach played on one of his instruments?

#3 – What caused the Blizzard of ’88? The Blizzard of ‘47? What caused the Galveston hurricane / The hurricane of ‘25? The hurricane of ’37? Mount St. Helen’s? Take your time, you twit. It’s an open book exam.

#4 – Did your evil twin, doubtless an idiot savant, take the Florida Bar exam for you?

#5 – I have some dates from different centuries. Send a SASE

Kevin Smith

PS – Turn off the A/Cs in your office. All associates, para legals, and staff to use public transportation to and from work. Take a stand; save the whales; maybe even save Tibet.

March 12, 2017

Senator Gary Farmer, Esq.

111 East Las Olas Boulevard

Fort Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel suggesting that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, you had someone else take your Florida Bar exam. 

Senator Farmer,

It may be time to update your photo.

You cavil about the “grievous and unacceptable legislation even though it further buttresses one of the bedrock principles of English speaking jurisprudence. Be seated because based on your public utterances this will come as a big shock to you.

The Presumption of Innocence

Don’t bother looking for it in any court ruled by Sharia law. There will be pig farms in Mecca, such farms being tended to by zoftig farm girls dressed in short shorts before that happens in any court where the dude with the gavel begins the proceeding with the chant Allah Akbar and Death to the Jews.

 

Something that could be a mitigating factor in re your asinine statements, one that could limit your time in Stupid Dumb Ass prison, could be that in your quest to impress Coach Bowden you played too much football without a helmet.

Read this carefully. I’ll type slowly.

Should I find myself accused of a crime I will stand before the Bar secure in the knowledge that I don’t have to prove myself innocent. The state must prove me guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. I am sure you were aware of that. Once. Maybe. I hope.

I suggest that you amend your will, assuming you have one, to donate your brain to science. Pass blocking without a helmet will leave you addled as you approach your golden years. Just think. You’ll be able to bury your own Easter eggs plus you’ll discover the joy of finding new episodes of the Honeymooners and Seinfeld. What a putz!

Kevin Smith

March 12, 2017

Mayor Frank Ortis

10100 Pines Blvd.

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: “Think globally; act locally” – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel in which you proclaim your fealty and obeisance to Ned Lud.

Mayor Ortis,

You want to “ban fracking in Florida”. [Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I fracked my first well 150 miles south of Houston in January, 1974. Both the Republic and I have survived.]

Here are some inconvenient truths, the ones that make modern American Liberals

squirm.

#1 – Fracking in America began not quite 3 score and 10 years ago.

#2 – It, plus slant drilling, has opened up incalculable amounts of natural gas at lower and lower prices. The opening of the Keystone pipeline will make this county energy independent by the end of the first Trump administration. The effect on the balance of trade deficit will be astonishing.

#3 – Coal, dirty coal, the bete noire of energy ohmadahns, is no longer the utility’s first choice. Tom Steyer, who made billions and billions of dollars selling dirty coal, coal that could not be used in this country, may need to have a fund raiser for himself.

#4 - Do you have a problem with clean energy produced in America by Americans?

#5 – If you want to undrown those warm and fuzzy polar bears, the only natural predator of those pesky baby seals, the ones who will soon be invading Maine and North Dakota, you have one highly visible local choice. 

TURN OFF ALL THE A/Cs IN CITY BU ILDINGS!

After you have done that you may want to ration electricity. Frozen food? Fuhgeddaboudit.

The motto of your next campaign should be VOTE FOR ME ‘CUZ I AM A MORON.

Kevin Smith

PS – I have the inside track on Solyndra solar panels. Call me.

March 12, 2017

Sheriff Scott Israel

2501 W. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33312

RE: Yet again, the spectre of Trayvon Martin causes modern American Liberals, even those with badges and guns, to soil their permanently knotted knickers. Some comments on your how guilty am I mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Sheriff Israel,

Was Trayvon Martin’s death “senseless and avoidable”? Sure. Could I say “after the first death there are no others”? I could but after hearing you on TV it would be a case of “pearls before swine” so I shan’t.

Lest we forget, there was a trial. 12 men, “good and true”, said the magic words, “Not guilty”.

In February, 2009, President Obama met with 100 Republican Congressmen in the White House. He extended an olive branch by saying that “there was an election; I won You lost. Get over it.”

Good advice then; good advice now.

Never argue with a canceled check.

Kevin Smith

March 12, 2017

Mayor Barbara Sharief

Broward County Commission

RE: Check the attendance sheets – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on Women’s History Month in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mayor Sharief,

You say today in the Sun Sentinel that “many women took a day off to promote bearded clam equality”. Further, you say, :women continue to be paid less than men”.

2 questions:

#1 – Are you paid 79% of what male commissioners are paid? If you are that must really rankle your arse.  

#2 – Did any female employees take the day to join their sisters on the barricades? Did you? Will those who did be paid for their absence?

A few more…

#3 – How is the manatee suffrage referendum coming?

#4 – Is it true that Broward County will subsidize a unicorn ranch?

#5 – Will there be a “sanctuary city” for displaced glutens?

#6 – How is the anti-gravity device, a vital part of the time machine, the one that single moms, usually women of color with special needs children, are working on, coming? Is it on schedule? Are they using environmentally sensitive methods? I don’t want to drown any more polar bears than is necessary.

I love modern American Liberals…jjust like you. You can go days without thinking…just like you.

Kevin Smith

March 6, 2017

Greg Meyer – “Spokesman”

Fort Lauderdale Airport

2200 SW 45^th Street

Dania Beach, FL 33312

RE: “He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers, to harass our people and eat out their substance.”

Mr. Meyer,

“The best use of the parking garage is to generate

the revenue to maintain our low-cost infra-structure…”

The Sun Sentinel

March 5, 2017

Page 20A

You

Astonishing. Simply astonishing. And on several different levels

#1 – The airport hires smart people to launch and land planes safely. I guess the goals that Affirmative Action suggests compelled it to hire a dumb ass, you, for example, someone like you, to maintain the modern American Bell Curve of really smart v really dumb.

#2 – The customer is profit. Everyone on the other side of the counter, everyone, including you, especially you, is overhead.

#3 – Here’s another light bulb idea. In the dreaded private sector, all successful businesses, regardless of what business they are in, have one huge thing in common. It is like the silver tip grizzly sitting, quietly, in the corner. If you open the envelope you will see “happy customers” as the common denominator. 

#4 – “I will not insult my customers nor will I take advantage of them.” Repeat as many times as necessary.

It raising revenues in ever increasing amounts is your

raison d’etre I suggest that here are several

untapped sources of revenue.

A – If you are being mugged the police will not intervene until you give them $100 towards the purchase of a new bullet proof vest.

B – The firemen stay on the truck until they get $100 for chow for the Dalmatian.

C – Put the taxman on commission. The more money he makes for his bosses the more he makes for himself. An all-around win/win.

D – Make all involved in any construction permitting process partners in the venture. Talk about “shovel ready” jobs getting the high-ball green light. Use the template of the Chinese People’s Liberation Army. Those Gomers sure know how to get that building built. Who says we can’t learn from foreigners, particularly the clever Chinese.

E – Traffic cops can “create” their own express lanes and off-hour reduced tolls for a small emolument.

F – Charge admission and exit fees to and from all government buildings + no change given.

G – Rent a Judge day. Legalize it and tax it, just like marijuana.

I – Have a means test for public transit fares.

J – How about a sale/lease back for the airport. Monetize the asset, you putz.

It seems to me that the qualifications for your job are simple: A double digit IQ, total tone deafness, y dos cojones grandes. Where else can those dumb schmucks go? Besides, “If God didn’t want them shorn he wouldn’t have made them sheep.”

Kevin Smith

PS – I almost forgot. No Milton Friedman or George Orwell books in airport book stores.

March 5, 2017

Senator Gary Farmer, Esq.

111 East Las Olas Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Is 66% the magic number? – Some questions and comments on you mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel about the joys of participatory democracy.

Senator Farmer,

Allah Akbar!

You proudly proclaim that 66% of Florida State students voted to make FSU a “sanctuary campus”. The rule for impeachment and for the ratification of treaties calls for a 2/3rds aye vote. Still it is an impressive number. It is a bit more impressive than the 62% of Florida voters who voted to keep marriage a contract between 2 people, one of whom is male with the other being a female. I feel I must add that they both should be of the same species. Why is 66% great while 62% ain’t so great?

Why not have the people decide the guilt or the innocence, and, most importantly, the punishment of anyone charged with murder? That way the voice of the people will be heard and their will shall be done. Thumbs up. Thumbs down. It worked pretty well in the Coliseum, remember?

Why not take a campus vote on whether or not to mandate open book exams? How about no classes before 10 AM? How about free beer? While they’re voting, how about asking them to decide if the somewhat condescendingly racist “Seminole” nickname should be dropped in favor of ‘Brutalized Aborigines”?

Why not have the people vote on whether or not you get paid? My grandfather always marveled at a little-known poser of nature: Why are there more horses’ asses than horses’ heads? Even factoring in “The Godfather” the numbers should always be equal as in one horse’s head and one horse’s ass per horse There is a beauty in that symmetry.

Each time you utter an astonishingly ohmadahnish statement, one that screams, “I am an asshole”, a big chunk of your paycheck gets whacked. In your case, it won’t take long before you’ll be hitchhiking your sad-sacked, sorry ass on Interstate 75 to Tallahassee – hopefully on the North bound side, you boob – to huddle up with the other dunces in your coven of modern American Liberal legislators

I hope your children are adopted

To paraphrase Mr. Justice Holmes, “1 generation of idiots is enough”.

Kevin Smith

PS – Your C.V. says that you majored in History. Clio is still my Muse. Surely you remember all the warnings from the time of the agora right up to Philadelphia in the summer of 1787 about the pitfalls of democracy. You do, don’t you? Why not have Franklin’s admonition about what kind of government we have tattooed on the inside of your eyelids as a reminder of the consequences of your vote, any vote? I fear that you may not be familiar with Calhoun’s Theory of Nullification. That was the one that was finally proved wrong, with the science being settled at Appomattox, after a vigorous debate preceded by a full and frank discussion of the issues. If you are not familiar with it send a SASE. I’ll type slowly so as not to overwhelm you.

March 8, 2017

Abby Freedman

Broward Board of Education

600 SE 3^rd Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: The return of George Wallace and I can’t believe who is welcoming him. Some questions and comments on the ladies of the Broward County Board of Education soiling their knickers in the rush to welcome him.

Dear Abby,

For years, I have been advocating, some might say hectoring, that it is time to hold History teachers to the same high standards imposed on the football coach. My efforts have fallen short.

It is obvious no one among you has ever heard of John C. Calhoun’s Theory of Nullification. I won’t spoil the joys of a Google search for you but, like T.S. Eliot, I will start at the end.

Unlike the buncome in re A/Cs in Florida drowning polar bears, the Theory of Nullification is settled. It is null and void like Ptolemy and Fred Hoyle. After several decades of a full and frank discussion and after a most vigorous debate, indeed the most vigorous debate this country has ever had, the jury decided unanimously that Nullification didn’t work. The verdict was delivered at Appomattox on April 9, 1865. Look it up.

Alas, like Dracula and carping harridans, it won’t stay dead.

George C. Wallace stood, defiantly, in the front door of the school house and said, “The wind and the rain may enter but the King may not.” The King’s man stepped up and handed him a piece of paper and said, “Step aside.” Wallace, “smart and no fool”, stepped aside. Let the record show that standing behind that man were several dozen U.S. Marshalls, men with badges and guns, men who were ready to enforce the law. It seems that you have either forgotten or never learned that when it comes to Florida law v Federal law the Feds have all the high cards and you have to fill an inside straight.

And now the prospect of all Broward schools, by BoE ukase, becoming “sanctuary schools”, is beyond parody. Almost.

You, as Board chair, have drawn the short straw

If it is any comfort to you, as they drag your sorry ass to the Federal pokey, you can think of Socrates, Saint Paul, Thomas More, Nathan Hale, Robert Emmet, Thoreau, Gandhi, Cardinal Mindzsenty, Martin Luther King, Mandel, and Bernardo Olivieros, CSO. They regarded time in the nick as the same as a day at the beach.

You go girl!

Is it true that, even on Chick Day, female teachers in Broward are paid 79% of what male teachers are paid? [How many ladies were absent today? Will they be docked a day’s pay?]

Is it true that Obama was going to sign an executive order on Inauguration day mandating that Mrs. Clinton would be paid as much as he was? No uterine haircut for her, by crikey!.

Is it true that part of the FUBARed school construction bond will be used to retro-fit all the misogynistic urinals with toilet seats?

Is it true that people delivering mail to the Board of Education are now known as person persons? Is it true that when plumbers respond to an emergency on school property they access the pipes by descending through a person hole?

Is it true that all Broward basketball coaches must call it person to person defense? Same in football for pass coverage. Is it true that all Broward coaches of traditional male sports must exhort their teams by saying “Person up”?

Am I the only one to notice that all the members of the 9-member Board have to sit down to pee? Would that survive a close look by the gender equity police? Shouldn’t at least 4 seats be set aside for some guys? The “disparate impact” on girls trans gendering to guys must be enormous. Some of these inbetweeners have 5 o’clock shadows at noon. They need role models.

I’ll be with you, at least in spirit, at the barricades.

Wear old clothes and bring a tooth brush.

Kevin Smith

PS – Do know if any of the female teachers who did not take the day off have any seminars on why clitoridectomies, permitted and encouraged in countries under Sharia law, should be “discouraged” here? How about the stoning of women taken in adultery? It takes two to even do an unsuccessful horizontal tango. Wy not duct tape the guy and toss off the roof. Do any of your art teachers use the Mohammed cartoons as teachable moments? Just asking.

March 5, 2017

Clarence McKee

McKee Communications

11550 Heron Bay Blvd

Coral Springs, FL 33076

RE: Woe is us! What to do? Some comments on your Jeremiad-like mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel about Broward County’s “race problem”.

Mr. McKee,

Your eclectic use of statistics – 8 Black Judges v 82 White Judges, $43,000 Black median income v $74,000 White median income, 9% Black unemployment v 4.4% White unemployment, 54 Black EMTs v 846 White EMTs – leads you to the inexorable conclusion that Broward County has a “race problem”. 

[Please note that I am not mentioning the disproportionate number of Black NBA players. Do you think that a set aside should be created for over-weight, can’t jump White point guards? “Fairness” is all, right?]

In typical, oh so typical modern American Liberal fashion you confusingly conflate causation with correlation. Also, you are a willing victim of a Logical fallacy now 25 centuries old: Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. On the other hand, if it weren’t for tautologies modern American Liberals wouldn’t be able to think at all.

How is it possible that after 8 years of “cooling the earth and calming the seas”  Broward County could have any kind of problem, let alone a “race problem”? Didn’t the Obama reign lead us to the peaceable kingdom of a “post racial society”? Further, Broward County gives Homerically monstrous majorities to every modern American Liberal candidate put up for election. If Dr. Mengele were to appear on the ballot he would be elected by numbers not seen since the glory days of Hudson County, New Jersey Row A bullet voting. [I know because I am from there.] I believe we are but 2 election cycles away from manatee suffrage. Clock a ticket.

Speaking of Dr. Mengele…Since Roe v Wade ca. 3/8ths of the abortions performed in this country have been on women of color. May I ask, why with the exception of the late Nat Hentoff, no public figure has ever used the word genocide when mentioning this? If Black Lives Matter shouldn’t all Black Lives Matter? Who knows how many Obamas or O.J. Simpsons or Ben Carsons or Willy Hortons have gone down the abattoir’s drain?

Could you share your solution to this “problem”?

Raising the minimum wage is a good start. Why be unemployed at $10 an hour when you can be unemployed at $15 an hour? Just think how good inner city youths will feel about themselves when they are unemployed at $22.50 an hour? They’ll all be farting through silk!

Do you think it may be time for a Sherman-like March through the slavery imposed on Black kids by Teachers unions? It worked the first time it was tried. Why not try it again? As President Trump said, “You ain’t got nothing to lose”

Speaking of schools…do you know why the Obama girls didn’t go to any of the really fine public schools in Washington, DC? To Hell with Ivy League acceptances, with the amount of money spent per student per the system should have 3 Rhodes Scholars and 2 Nobel Prize winners a year. Every year.

Is bullying of trans gendering obese teens afflicted with the heartbreak of psoriasis, particularly the ones who live with a single mom just a White problem or does the minority community share the grief caused by it?

Some may say I have too much time on my hands. I prefer to think that if I don’t ask the tough questions no one may.

Get back to me, OK?

Kevin Smith