Help for Senator Obama

February 27, 2008

Senator Barack Obama

607 East Adams Street

Springfield, Illinois 62701

RE: Endorsements & middle names

Senator Obama,

So anxious am I to help you get the Democratic nomination that I am out beating the bushes looking for new names. I have become a true spear carrier for you. As of today at dawn I have secured the following endorsements.

#1 – Willie Horton – All he wants is a weekend pass to come to your inaugural.

#2 – Robert Mugabe – He’ll give you the name of his tailor

#3 – Ricky Ray Rector – That may be a bit of a stretch.

#4 – Momo Qadafi – He hasn’t had a friend in the White House since Billy Carter

#5 – Tawana Brawley – She wants to be a victim’s advocate.

#6 – Roger Clinton – Finally, his own man.

As you can see from the above names I am concentrating on the coveted “A” list. I’ll let you know whenever I land a new one.

As to that red necked White guy using your middle name – I personally think Hussein as in Barack Hussein Obama is a great middle name. As soon as I found out that it doesn’t mean “Death to Western Civilization” I joined your Crusade – it just shows how far we have to go to become worthy of you as our leader.

I thought the 2004 election would have turned out differently if the Democratic nominee had emphasized his middle name. I think that Jay Forbes Kerry has a Presidential ring to it, don’t you.

If Vice President Humphrey had run as Horatio Humphrey in 1968 he would have saved us from the hated Nixon. The most Evil one gave us the all volunteer army, the EPA, OSHA, Affirmative Action, and the joys of wage and price controls. A President named Horatio would have saved us from all that.

Would Elvis have been Elvis if had used Aaron instead?

How about Delano Roosevelt?

Since it can become a bone of contention in the upcoming campaign, a distraction when we should be focusing on the really big stuff, stuff like how quickly can we raise the minimum wage to $28 an hour and can we turn Gitmo into an environmentally sound rehab for drowning polar bears, I suggest you change your middle name.

You will no longer be known as Barack Hussein Obama. You will be known as Barack Idi Obama. The last Idi, and God how we miss him, left large shoes to fill. I think you are the man.

Rest assured that whatever else I can do to help you I will, I will.

Senator Barack Obama

Senator Barack Obama

607 East Adams Street

Springfield, Illinois 62701

Senator Obama,

First, let me congratulate you on winning the endorsement of Minister Louis Farrakhan. If you get elected I ‘m sure he’ll urge you to get the bottom of the mystery still surrounding the murder of Malcolm X. That he has been able to work both sides of the religious and political streets for 45 years without one word of criticism from the press similar to that heaped on the Religious Right is remarkable.

The next time you campaign in Florida there are some condos in Broward County that you may want to bring Minister Farrakhan with you as a surprise speaker. Del Boca Vista Mordecai is one. Shul Heights will welcome him with open arms and checkbooks. If he likes chicken soup and chopped chicken livers tell him to come hungry. Remember to tell him that pastrami and mayo on white toast is a no-no.

Can we expect O.J. Simpson to be the next celebrity endorser?

I am not sure what you’re stand [I can guess, I can guess] on abortion is but in Broward County the modern American Liberals who run the place would look favorably on the candidacy of Dr. Mengele because of his progressive stance on abortion and his commitment to universal, single pay health care. In Florida’s non-primary some of your supporters carried a cardboard cut out of you through the streets in support of your candidacy. Some of the supporters of Hillary the Hecuba did likewise but no one could tell the difference between her and it.

See if Typhoid Mary is available. What this country did to her – no due process plus exile – makes the Caribbean adult sleep away camp, AKA Gitmo, seem like…like…a day at the beach.

I predicted in a note dated 2/19/08 that Hillary the Hecate would have pictures of you praying at the big mosque in Mecca with Osama bin Laden. Further, she would have pictures of your wife working the pole at the Club Boom-Boom. Your daughters would be shown at a summer camp for prepubescent grifters run by Fagin.

Yesterday the nation saw a picture of you as a half naked, half-assed Gandhi. I can’t wait for Chapter 2 and Chapter 3. Speaking of The old Mahatma, one of his traits that I don’t think you should try is drinking your own urine. Cow worshipping, maybe. Pee slurping, never.

Harridan Hillary criticized you for representing Rezko the landlord. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! She represented a red neck rapist in Arkansas in the 1970s. She attacked the credibility of the alleged victim, the alleged victim being 12 years old. She, in the best traditions of the criminal Bar, got the top count knocked out and her client took a plea for playing stinky finger with a minor. He went inside for a year because she wasn’t related to him. There is a rumor that can’t be unconfirmed. Since the New York Times puts similar stories on Page 1 I’ll treat it like its gospel. The details are murky but the rapist later worked for the Whitewater Land Development Company as the director of road kill recipes. He also led seminars on “Indoor Plumbing – Don’t let it Scare You”.

What I want to see is both of you going after each other like rabid wolverines stuck inside a sleeping bag.

Anything I can do to encourage your candidacy I will do. Please feel free to call on me.

PS – A big time “My Bad” is in order. I used the word “gospel”. How insensitive of me! Please substitute “koran” for it. Also, I think it is unfair of me to call you Bambi without your permission. Would “BO” be better?

Nancy A. Youseff, The Miami Herald

Nancy A. Youseff

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “Shootdown Raises Concerns” – A comment from an older and wiser reader of your tale of the grave implications of the successful “shootdown” of an errant satellite by the United States as reported by you in today’s Miami Herald.

Ms.Youseff,

First, let me welcome you home.

It’s obvious from your fudged canard that you have spent the last 3 decades in some very strange places:

#1 – One of the minor moons of Jupiter

#2 – The guest house at Barbra Streisand’s beach house.

#3 – Zabar’s

#4 – The Democratic Party – the sanctum sanctorum of modern American Liberalism. The terms are interchangeable.

Quien sabe?as they say on Calle Ocho down here.

Let me flesh this out for you. It is obvious that History is not, I am being polite, your strong suit.

25 years ago next month President Reagan added a line to a speech on foreign policy. He asked if it wouldn’t make sense for us – the United States of America – to make itself impervious to missile attack by constructing a shield, an Aegis [from the Greek surprisingly enough meaning shield] if you will, using the technology that we possessed. If we had to develop new technology we would do that too. That is something we have always been able to do. It is one of the reasons people risk death to get here. It is one of the reasons, to quote the legendary Big Mike from Bayonne why you never see anyone swimming to Cuba

Everybody in the alternative universe occupied by modern American Liberals went, forgive me, ballistic.

The New York Times erupted in high dudgeon in a way not seen until they went apoplectic trying to force the Augusta National Golf Club to let chicks play in the Masters Invitational Tournament.

Senator Kennedy, AKA Senator Jabba the Hutt, led every elected Democrat in the entire country, every one from Congress to the Governors’ mansions, to town councils, to library advisory boards, each and every card carrying Democrat in America, in opposition to “Star Wars”.

Every editorial board, every TV news reader, every revisionist History and English teacher, all the really, really smart people in the world were opposed to it.

There were only 2 people in the entire universe who thought it could work.

A – Ronald Reagan

B – Mikhail Gorbachev

To me, the worst part of the ’80s debate about Star Wars, the Strategic Defense Initiative, call it what you will was not from the people who thought it wouldn’t work. I suppose there is some honor in being a modern day Luddite. It was from the people who thought it shouldn’t work.

The next stop on our History tour is Iceland.

Have you ever heard of the Reykjavik Summit?

In the New Testament – I can still mention religion, can’t I? – Satan tempts Jesus. The Devil shows Jesus the world and all that is in it. He tells Jesus he will give it to him if he will but bow down to him.

Gorbachev began by telling Reagan that he would give up repeating rifles, jet planes, the Gulag, spying, tea, and, finally, vodka. Reagan yawned. OK, OK, said Mikey the Red. He would get Stalin and Lenin out of the tomb in Moscow and hang them in Red Square. Reagan dozed. He then promised RWR that he and the entire Politburo would become Christians.

“All this will be yours if you stop SDI.”

Reagan hummed “You got to know when to hold’em and know when to fold’em”. Reagan, to his everlasting credit, knew when to ‘hold’em”. That’s why his countrymen love him. That’s why he is on a stamp. That’s why he is headed for Mount Rushmore. Conversely, that’s the reason why Jimmy Carter is hanging dry wall and had to bamboozle his way to a Nobel Prize. His big thing was getting euchred by the Gomers in North Korea, remember? All it required was the willing suspension of disbelief.

History is made by great men making great decisions. Reagan made them.

Do you remember the Berlin Wall being torn down? Do you remember a TV commercial saying “the lights are going on all over Europe”? If ever there was a better definition of enthymemes I have yet to find it.

Gorbachev will be appearing next week at an Indian Casino in Florida.

“I don’t see how other nations don’t see this as an anti-satellite test,”

said Theresa Hitchens, the director of the Washington, D.C. –based

Center for Defense Information, a centrist [italics mine] national security

policy institute. “They’ll see it as the weaponization of space.”

The Miami Herald

Today

3A

If I were to do a DNA test on the Center for Defense Information, an institution that you laughingly call “centrist”, I would find pictures of them at the airport, weeping uncontrollably, as Chamberlain alit from the plane from Munich and said, “Peace in our time”. You would then see “them” saying that while maybe Hitler had some rough edges he was an OK guy. We all know that the Jews are a “stiff necked people”. “They” said this from August 22, 1939 until June 21, 1941.

I am probably going too fast for you. You may want to Google the above paragraph. You may wish to familiarize yourself with what Auden called “a low and dishonest decade”.

I have a modest proposal for those countries who feel threatened by the visible success of American technology.

Do it yourselves.

It took this country 42 months to go from a universally shared knowledge of theoretical physics to a nuclear explosion. 3 weeks later we turned Hiroshima into the world’s largest outdoor tempura takeaway. 3 days later, to make sure the lesson was well and truly learned, we did it again, this time in Nagasaki.

If Russia, a country that spent the majority of the 20^th century being unable to feed itself, and China, a country for whom the rest of the world is filled with barbarians, a country that set the bar for killing its own citizens at 60,000,000, is worried or feels threatened let them build their own.

From Zippo lighters, to Polaroid cameras, to Xerox machines, to the Salk vaccine, to “Mickey, Willie, and the Duke”, to TV dinners, to the Green Bay Packer sweep, to walking on the moon, to leisure suits, to fax machines, to microprocessors, to the Internet, to the Nike swoosh, to Viagra, to the “vast Right-Wing conspiracy”, it has been a period of continuous, continuing American exceptionalism.

We built a bullet to hit another bullet. It hit the bullet. And, lest we forget, we said we were going to do this before we did it. It ain’t bragging if you can do it. We did it.

If I build the world’s best umbrella why shouldn’t I use it, particularly if I think it’s going to rain? If my neighbor doesn’t have one or can’t afford one why should I put mine away?

If they feel threatened they should build their own.

I don’t know if Mrs. Obama feels proud of this. If she doesn’t I, and I am sure a lot of my country men, do.

Reagan’s legacy to his country continues.

Passing Thoughts

February 19, 2008

Am I the only one to notice that

#1 – Bindi Irwin is an abused child. Her father gets speared to death and the kid looks she was let loose in an ice cream parlor. On second thought she looks like she was let loose in an ice cream parlor after a Thorazine enema. Her younger brother, 4 year old Robert, should be taken away from their mother. The 4 year old boy gets bitten by a boa constrictor – repeat – bitten by a friggin’ boa constrictor and the mother says the child is “proud” because “it’s nature’s way”. Reductio ad absurdum but would the kid shit in his pants with unsurpassed joy if a coyote could grab him by the leg and try to drag him home for his family’s Sunday dinner? Why don’t we tether him to a mangrove tree in the Everglades and see how much he laughs when a 10 foot bull gator grabs him. That’s “nature’s way” also.

#2 – Michelle Obama is “proud of her country for the first time in her adult life” because her husband is taken seriously as a contender for President? Also, everybody seems to want “change”?

Wasn’t she “proud” when OJ beat the rap? Wasn’t she “proud” when Mike Tyson bit Holyfield’s ear? Wasn’t she “proud” of her African-American sisters who, while being 6% of the population, accounted for about 40% of the abortions in this country since 1973?

Would it be impolitic of me to ask if Michelle Obama would burst with pride if Black men began to do their duty as fathers rather than just begetters? Senator Moynihan said much the same thing in 1965. 43 years later what has changed?

The Puritans in the 17^th century used to make miscreants wear a letter to signify their crime. ‘A’ for adultery. ‘B’ for blasphemy, ‘C’ for counterfeiting, and so forth. ‘R’ used to be for the marvelously named offense of roguery. Today my ‘R’ would be for a different crime.

Let the record show that since Big Bill and the Lady on the Broom were not gracious winners there is no way that they can be gracious losers. Senator Bambi and his wife, Mrs. Sisyphus, who carps about how life sucks for an African-American couple who have 4 degrees from Ivy League schools between them and made almost $1,000,000 in income last year and why do I just know that their daughters have yet to see the inside of any public school and who goes through life finding something else wrong, are about to become catchers on the javelin team. By the time the campaign gets to Texas there will be affidavits attesting to the other life of both of them; he as a Blackstone P. Ranger and she as a pole dancer. By the time we get to the convention there will be film of him praying at the big mosque in Mecca with Osama bin Laden. A Clinton flunky will lead the cry to get him shipped to Gitmo to get his skinny Black ass waterboarded. Barbra Streisand will sing the title song in the movie and Sharon Stone will flash her woohah because, as dumb as she is, she knows that she has a world class woohah. Both of them

will then arm wrestle to see who gets to play a solo on Big Bill’s saxophone. That’s his tenor sax, the one that is slightly curved at the end. Clock a ticket. It will happen.

#3 – At least Castro was good for some laughs while he ran the Caribbean Gulag. Without him the place will be like Bulgaria on a bad day. Maybe East Berlin. OK. OK. Better weather. Cigars and rum too. Also, the world’s greatest sandwich.

#4 – Yet another reason why we should be drilling in ANWR, in the Grand Canyon, in Yellowstone Park, the Gulf of Mexico, and if Lard Kennedy doesn’t want windmills spoiling his beach view how about 10 or 12 drilling rigs due East of his front yard at Hyannis, was made plain yesterday. There was a fire in an oil refinery in Big Springs, Texas. Oil closed over $100 today. All this flapdoodle about harnessing the tides, the times, the sun, waterfalls, and cow flatulence is bunk.

Chavez is both a horse’s ass and a thug of titanic dimensions. His country’s oil production is down 30% in 3 years. He is saved from being drawn and quartered by his people because of the spike in the price of oil. His revenues are steady because of the price increase. When the price of any commodity increases 2 things happen. 1 – Demand goes down. 2 – New supplies come to the marketplace. If we increase the supply the price will go down.

If we do that we will make it easier for the poor, the halt, the lame, and the calorically and follicley challenged to heat their homes and drive their cars. WE MUST DRILL. AFTER ALL, IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN.

Speaking of drilling in sensitive areas what if Raul Castro hires the Chinese to drill for oil in the Gulf just off the Keys? Should we send a carrier down there to keep Florida’s beaches oil free? Don’t the Cubans have a right to drill in their own waters?

What if Los Estados Unidos de Mexico has a blowout on some of their production platforms in the Gulf of Mexico? What if the spill blankets West Florida? Should we invade and retake Chapultepec Castle? Maybe it’s time for the Marines to update their Hymn.

Maybe it’s time for this country to grab their share of the oil and gas in the Gulf. We already run the risk of an oil spill. Why not get some of the goodies that come from production?

#5 – Speaking of oil companies, Hillary the Hecate says she wants to take the profit from them for the public good. Experience, not necessarily this bruja’s strong suit, tells us that maybe you can do this once. Never the second time.

Having destroyed the oil companies she will replace them with…with…FEMA, the Post Office, the Department of Motor Vehicles, the IRS…exactly what? Hugo Chavez’s crack management team may soon be available for assignment. Maybe the boobs who run the farms in Cuba could help out. Perhaps Mugabe from Harare could lend us a hand. His economics program seems to be working out quite well, doesn’t it? It is tough to get the buses to run on an environmentally sensitive fuel called Hope but they’re working on it. The sun will rise in the West sooner.

#6 – 2/20/08 - I just watched, rather proudly, as the latest shuttle returned to earth. First, it had to overcome gravity. It did that by reaching a speed of 18,000 miles per hour. When it got into orbit there were no Chinese takeaways so they had to bring all the food they were going to eat with them. Also, all the air they planned on breathing. After 2 weeks of playing Lego 250 miles up in the sky in zero gravity. Then they came home. Since the shuttle has no engines there are no Mulligans. It looked like the world’s largest SUV as it landed spot on about 10 minutes ago.

“Breathes there a man with soul so dead who never to himself has said ‘This is my own, my native land’…

If you can’t find something about which to be proud in that then maybe your soul is dead. If not for the technological achievements then for the triumph of the human spirit. “There is a hill over there. Let’s see what’s on the other side” has been the spark that has enabled man not only to endure but to prevail.

I am proud enough for both of us. I hope I have enough for the Obama girls.

Senator Obama, AKA "Bambi"

February 20, 2008

Senator Barack Obama

701 North court Street

Marion, Illinois 62959

Senator Obama,

It’s halfway through the 4^th quarter. You have an 18 point lead and the ball. Since you were an 18 point underdog the view can only get better.

I would like to offer you a policy suggestion. Perhaps it can declaw some of your critics, particularly those who cavil about your lack of business experience.

The fundamental problem with Social Security is the calendar. Crudely put, more people are living longer. In 1936 each annuitant had some 30 people contributing to the common pot. The number now is about 3 to 1.

One of the reasons why IRAs and 401Ks are so popular is that younger people know that while it’s good to hope they know that by the time it’s their turn there will be nothing left in the well.

One answer to the problem is to increase the amount of money flowing in to the pot.

Have you ever heard of TIAA-CREF?

Have you ever heard of CALPERS?

How about the Illinois Public Employee Retirement Fund? Your wife works for a hospital. I bet she knows about it. You wife probably contributes to it.

Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Florida, Texas, all have them. In fact, every state has them. Many states have several funds.

Social Security invests in really good United States Government bonds.

Why not “suggest” that these funds invest all of their assets in the really good United States Government bonds that Social Security invests in?

It may surprise you but the total of the above named funds have assets in excess of two trillion dollars. That’s $2,000,000,000,000. That’s a hellacious amount of money.

“But wait”, as the TV pitchman says, “There’s more.”

When the money comes in to the Treasury it is immediately transferred to the operating account. That’s where the bills get paid.

The Treasury issues a chit in the form of really good Treasury bond. That bond goes into a “lockbox” with the investor’s name on it.

It then becomes income to the Government.

Here’s the bonus. You won’t have to raise taxes. You’ll have more money than George Soros and the wife of Senator Jay Forbes Kerry, the madcap Gypsy lady Teresa.

You can spend it on whatever you want.

I personally would like “Midnight Basketball” fully funded and given a fighting chance to succeed.

I can’t image any state employee objecting to having his retirement funds ruin by the United States Government. The bonds are guaranteed. There is no possibility of a sub-prime crisis hitting these gilt edged puppies.

I haven’t fully fleshed out the idea, particularly the “suggesting” part. Call me audacious but I hope you’ll be able to convince the Congress and the people why it must be done.

Now that you’re on your way I hope you won’t mind if I send you ideas from time to time on other policy matters.

New York Times & grammar

February 16, 2008

Dom Van Natta, Jr. & Jo Becker

The New York Times

229 West 43^rd Street

New York, New York 10036

RE: Democrats Look For A Way To Avoid Convention Rift – UGH!

Mr. Van Natta & Ms. Becker,

Just for the wonderfully egregious theater it will provide I hope they go after each other with daggers, grenades, harpoons, dreaded assault weapons, and flaming bags of blivit up to and through the convention.

But that’s not why I write.

What happened to blue pencils on 43^rd Street? Has Fowler been banned? Have Strunck & White become 4 letter words?

“None have endorsed a candidate…”

Have endorsed? How could you? How could the two of you! “None has endorsed…” None is a collective noun. In the 3^rd person present tense the verb always ends with the letter ‘s’.

Coming from The New York Times it’s like a fart in church.

When Murdoch takes over and just after he defenestrates anybody left in the building named Sulzberger he’ll be coming after you. Then he’ll turn the building into Section 8 housing, perhaps a SRO hotel, or maybe a sanctuary for transgendered, anti-supply siders who still think Alger Hiss got a rotten deal and Walter Duranty should keep his star on the wall in your lobby. Don’t forget that Franco and Nixon still suck. Oh yeah, women should play in the Masters’ Invitational, also.

What Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, and the vast Right-Wing conspiracy couldn’t do you did.

Like I said…UGH!

CCs – Arthur Krock, Arthur Dailey, Red Smith, William Safire

Jonathan Alter, Newsweek

February 17, 2008

Johnathan Alter

Newsweek

PO Box 2120

Radio City Station

New York, New York 10101-2120

RE: Pay attention

Mr. Alter,

Marley said, “Save yourself” to his friend Ebenezer.

I wrote to Bart Giamatti to tell him not to worry about Pete Rose. “Stop smoking, hit the salad bar, skip the Ben & Jerry’s” is what I told him.

I told Maynard Jackson that Julianne Malveaux’s special diet, the one with the lard IV, the egg nog enemas, the pizza with the melted butter, and the crème brulee implants was only for Clarence Thomas.

Neither of them listened. Look what happened.

I look at your pictures and I think it’s time for an intervention.

I don’t know why you insist on Weed Whacking your head. Maybe you’re mad because the surge is working. Quien sabe? Maybe you think that the world has figured out that you are a horse’s ass of heroic, perhaps biblical, proportions. I know that the next step is putting your head in the Cuisinart or a Kitchen Aid blender. Perhaps an Aaxon commercial dryer is the next cry for help.

No good can come from this.

Pay attention. As a certified “life coach” I know these things.

Save yourself.

Carl Hiaasen, The Miami Herald

February 17, 2008

Carl Hiaasen

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Evolution, “loony gibberish”, and a sense of whimsy

Mr. Hiaasen,

How God Damn dare you tell me I am descended from apes. Bears, maybe. Apes, never.

As to the “loony gibberish” of those folk who think maybe there may be some other answer than the one now accepted as the only answer I present a few other examples of “loony gibberish”?

1 – Almost 40 years ago I was told by Paul Ehrlich that we would either starve to death or freeze to death by the year 2000. As of today February 17, 2008 I am still alive and still calorically challenged.

2 – If, as you say, “Florida’s plucky refusal to embrace 21^st century education is one reason that prestigious tech industries have avoided the state…” would it not therefore follow Logically that Washington, DC, an area with the highest per capita pupil expenditure – well above $21,000 - in the world would be swamped with high tech industries and have to deal with a surplus of PhDs and Nobel Prize winners?

I take perverse delight in pointing out that the current tenant in the biggest individually occupied unit of public housing, AKA The White House, sent his daughters to public school [Westlake High School] while his predecessor sent his daughter to a posh prep school in DC where the tuition for a day student is now $30,000 a year.

Speaking of “loony gibberish”, there is no better example of it being spewed than the former Vice President, the dumbest man in public life, Alpha Gump. I was shocked, shocked when I found out that his children, true Gumpsters all, never sat foot in any of the fine public schools in Washington, DC. Maybe there is a novel there.

3 – As to the “annual FCAT charade” perhaps I can offer some help, particularly in the math section.

Since we know that the only goal of modern American Liberal education is to increase the self esteem of the students who, being lucky enough to be born but then finding themselves “unlucky in life’s lottery” and, thus, consigned to public schools, here is one of my solutions:

Pi is no longer 3.1416. Pi is now 3.0

Think how much easier Geometry will be. Test scores will soar. Kids will feel really, really good about themselves. Of course, a few decades hence the bridges will all fall down. Who cares? The one in Minneapolis fell down with Pi at 3.1416, didn’t it? What’s the risk? What’s the downside? We can have kids gushing about what nice people they are or we can have right angles and joints meeting where they should meet or we can have Dr. Phil take over all of afternoon television. If it’s for the children count me in.

Don’t worry about Florida losing its reputation for “backwardness”.

For a state with no money we were able to build a $500,000,000 music hall in Miami. Since nobody ever counts the vigorish on servicing a debt of $500,000,000 [that’s 500 million dollars for 30 years at 5%] I won’t. Nobody noticed that there was no place to park until the building was built. And enough with these Eyetie operas1 How about some foul mouthed, gold toothed, gang banga telling me how bad George Bush is? How about some David Allen Coe? How about Lawrence Welk and his friggin’ bubble machine?

Now we want to build a $500,000,000 baseball stadium. No mention of the vig there either.

Did it ever occur to you that we can learn from the Bank of Nunzio? Sub prime mortgage crisis? No way. About a 3 week run on orthopaedic clinics, perhaps a temporary shortage of casts and crutches, good times for rehab clinics, after that…back to normal.

Madness. What kind of an education did these people get?

You know, you may be on to something with your caterwauling about “loony gibberish”.

How about we put signs up on our Southern borders saying

Welcome to Florida

Haiti is worse

Well, it’s almost time to go. Around this time in the AM I like to handle my snakes, particularly the big vipers. That’s why I want Rikki Tikki Tavi banned from grammar school libraries. Then I like to field strip and clean my BAR and hand load some ammo. That’s my idea of an assault weapon. Perhaps La Commedia later in the day. That’s the one whose first line stays with me always.

“Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error.”

PS – Grizzlies or Kodiaks only. Not Polar bears because they eat baby seals. Not Black bears because they’re sneaky. Not Pandas because they are Yellow Peril druggies. And can you think of any other theory, said theory being posited 150 years ago, that has neither been proved or disproved after all that time? We got from the first manned flight to walking on the moon in 66 years. We went from theoretical knowledge of the atom to turning Hiroshima and Nagasaki into the world’s largest Hitachi in 3 years. What’s taking so long with making Bonzo everybody’s grandfather? Maybe Congressman Waxman can have hearings on the subject.

Representative Dan Gelber

February 16, 2008

Representative Dan Gelber

1920 Meridian Road

Miami, Florida 33135-1818

RE: SUPER DELEGATES – The gift that keeps on giving…like herpes.

Representative Gelber,

Since we live in a multi-cultural area, an area that prides itself on the divers tongues to be found in it, I have sent riders hither and yon to find out what the Spanish or the Creole version of schadenfreude is. Alas, my quest is still unfulfilled. I’ll keep looking though. In that way I am like any other modern American Liberal. The experience of evidence to the contrary never deters me.

I tell you this because I am about to overcome by terminal enuresis. The effect of the schadenfreude caused by the self inflicted wound of SUPER DELEGATES is causing my bladder to burst.

I have e-mailed the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary with the details of how the SUPER DELEGATES came to be, what they were supposed to do, what they will do, who they are, and, in a totally unintended consequence, how they caused a revival of both vaudeville and burlesque. I want SUPER DELEGATES to have their own page in the next edition.

SUPER DELEGATES came about because the modern American Liberals who make up the Democratic Party – the terms are completely interchangeable – and despite their Kumbaya hand holding soirees, the 4 year wailing of Copland’s “Theme for the Common Man”, the convention genuflection at the shrine of John Rawls, and teary eyed remembrances of the glory days of “Midnight Basketball”, the guys with the “juice” never, never, ever trusted the “people”.

I am reminded of the late Senator Tsongas’s constant refrain when addressing the practical consequences of ratifying the Equal Rights Amendment. No matter what the question – Chicks in combat, unisex johns [the bathrooms, not the “johns”] “women and children {still} first”? – the answer was always the same: “The Courts will decide”.

The question of getting the trains to run on time would be easier to answer if elections could be downsized.

Notwithstanding the eternal flapdoodle persiflage from modern American Liberals “helping the people” the only reason these poltroons tolerate elections is so they can get power. Of course, they only want to help people but sometimes they don’t want to be helped. The Declaration of Independence mentions something about that. Look it up.

Mrs. Clinton would have given Ricky Ray Rector a lap dance to make sure he would be quiet as he was strapped into the electric chair in 1992. That this retarded Black man had to die to show that Governor Handsome Billy from Hot Springs was tough on crime was a small price to pay. Look at all the people who were helped in the 1990s. Small price to pay. Hey! He was a Black killer. Who would miss him?

Hillary’s credentials are impeccable.

She was hired by the largest law firm in the state when her husband was elected Attorney General. When her husband was elected Governor she was made a partner in the same law firm. No glass ceilings for her.

She then became a member of the Board of Directors of WAL*MART because

1. She sold hats and pins when she was a Goldwater Girl.
2. She became an intellectual concubine of Saul Alinsky when she was in college.
3. She was a well known land developer and commodities trader.
4. Her husband was Governor of Arkansas where – Mirabile dictu! – WAL*MART is located.

Take your time answering the above.

Senator Yojimbo Mogambo or whatever the Hell it is that Senator Suet, the 5^th Teletubbie, AKA Senator Kennedy, calls him has done exactly what?

We know, because Delaware’s Chia Pet Senator, Mean Joe Biden, has told us, that he is “clean and articulate”. That these are desirable traits does not make them prerequisites for President. I suppose it is better than having somebody in the Oval Office whose idea of a light meal begins with picking his nose. The thought of having a President who knows that it’s “yellow in front, brown in back” when putting his underwear on will certainly put fear in the heart of some bomb throwing Gomer. If not him then the guys who runs Exxon and the NYSE will swallow hard when he calls them in.

It is an inconvenient truth but I think I shouldn’t have to hope audaciously that a President wanabee would have to call the UN to find out where his vaccination records are. Still, while having a grandmother who runs the marginal risk of either being eaten by a lion or macheted to death by feral savages doesn’t disqualify him for running for President it doesn’t qualify him to be President.

Granted that this year should be a Democratic year and we may wind up with Bambi as President. This is a strong country. If we survived Carter we can survive him. Actually, Carter did one good thing. He was so bad he made it easier for the great Reagan to save the country and the world.

“We see through a glass darkly” or so my favorite rabbi said.

The American people have a pretty good record of separating the wheat from the chaff.

They’re called elections.

Each team chooses up sides. You agree on the rules. You present yourself and your views to the public. You point out the differences between you and the rat bastard who dares to run against you. It is in our History for these campaigns to get nasty, personal, and vicious. People go to NASCAR and bull fights not to see the beauty and the grace but because they either want to see somebody with a horn in his codpiece sticking in or a car going 200mph trying to make a wall crumble. Same with elections.

Elections do not lend themselves to instant replay, judicial review, or, in the case of Florida’s primary, mulligans.

You, as one of Florida’s modern American Liberal “wise men” have a plan, if newspaper reports are correct, for uncounting the votes cast, recounting the votes not cast, and attempting to achieve an elusive goal rather than a hated quota. At the end of this process you then throw it into the fan using non-malodorous fecal matter as a mucilage and see where it lands.

Marvelous, simply marvelous. And you voted for the change in the primary date, you moron. You got what you wanted, didn’t you?

And I thought that Karl Rove had retired and that Lee Atwater was dead. Wrong on both counts. They’re both working for Howard Dean who is almost “barking mad”. He is in league with Fox News and Ann Coulter. Mel Brooks is already working on the musical. Its working title is “Vote for me. I’m a horse’s ass.”

I haven’t laughed this hard since I joined a “Midnight Basketball” league.

Keep it up and maybe we will see people swimming to Cuba.

PS – I wrote to you about a year ago asking for your help in mandating that the children of all public employees and all, every last one, elected officials go to public schools. I still haven’t heard from you. Also, do you think they would have allowed Harry Truman to be a SUPER DELEGATE?

Congressman Kendrick Meek

February 13, 2008

Congressman Kendrick Meek

10100 Pembroke Pines Boulevard

“B” Building – 3^rd Floor

Pembroke Pines, Florida 33026

RE: Honoring the contributions of foreign soldiers in American wars

Congressman Meek,

Although any unanimous vote – in this case 361 to 0 – makes me a bit uneasy perhaps an exception can be made in this case.

Your House Resolution 909 of 12/20/07 commemorating the more than 300 men of the Chasseurs-Volontaires de Saint Domingue who died in the Battle of Savannah in 1779 highlights the contribution these men from a foreign country made in our fight for independence.

Twice in your resolution you mention their race. The first time you say “men of color”; the second time you say “soldiers of African descent”. That their skin was Black does not change the fact that their blood was Red. Our cause was just. Their contributions should be honored.

May I ask your help in honoring foreign veterans of another American war?

My father’s father had 2 uncles who came from Ireland to join the Union Army in the Civil War. They were both members of the Irish Brigade.

They both fought at the Battle of Gettysburg.

On the eve of the Battle of Agincourt Henry the Fifth told his men that should they survive the battle they could remember “with advantages” what they did that day.

On July 2, 1863, at noon, the Irish Brigade stepped out into the Wheat Field. I like to think that the pipes were skirling with the heady air of “Garryowen”. They marched “line abreast” into History. One of my uncles is still there “wrapped in his faded coat of Blue”. When figuring the cost of repealing the Dred Scot decision these men must not be forgotten. It is part of a proud oral tradition handed down form father to son to grandson to great-grandchildren to great-great-grandchildren that the cost of this noble cause was partly paid for by members of my family.

Since we live in an age of collective guilt it is possible that the will of the American people will swing round to apologies and reparations for an evil that was ended by the red blood of White people 143 years ago.

Should this so happen I would ask your support in holding the descendants of those foreign soldiers who died, as the poet said, “to make men free”, free from any of the practical consequences of such an apology.

I refer specifically to any monetary compensation to descendants of slaves.

I don’t know what the value of an Irishman from Galway in the Province of Connaught is worth in today’s market. Douglas MacArthur in his final address to the Corps of Cadets at West Point said, “I do not know the dignity of their birth but I know the glory of their death”. He died in a way that humbles most men. He died that other men might be free.

That must be worth something.

Whatever you think it is I would appreciate the courtesy of your sharing it with me.

PS – I know that you mourn the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq. That number is approaching 4,000. You would be well served if you would pass the time flying between Washington and Miami familiarizing yourself with the casualty figures of the American Civil War. Look at the raw numbers and also the percentage of the population. Start with the Battle of Antietam. Also, you may want to find out why the Democratic Party and the New York Times were so vehemently opposed to this war and to President Lincoln. He was frequently called a “baboon”. They were apoplectic about the first successful “surge”, the one led by Sherman, the one that freed the slaves in 4 states, and the one that shortened the war by at least a year. I have never been able to figure that out. If you can let me know.

Response from Newsweek

Newsweek responded to one of my missives. See the response here. Should I write back?

Ana Menendez, The Miami Herald

February 11, 2008

Ana Menendez

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: It’s better in Latin – “Art is long; life is short” – but, heaven forefend, you might think me to be an elitist and a captive of Dead White European Males. A somewhat different take on the woes of “Afro-Cuban surrealist” artist Wifredo Lam when the Philistines of Miami went after him as outlined in your column on Sunday, February 10, 2008.

Ms. Menendez,

A tale about any “Afro-Cuban surrealist” is worthy of comment. My favorite description of an artist is still “alcoholic homosexual dwarf”. “Afro-Cuban surrealist” is worthy of inclusion on the short list of contenders.

Move over, Dali! There’s a new kid in town.

“Enforcers of cultural orthodoxy” has a whiff of hubris about it. After all, how could an “Afro-Cuban surrealist” who has “never hid his sympathies for Castro’s revolution” be anything but a superior artist? If you don’t like his politics you won’t like his art, right? Even for someone who doesn’t know anything about art but who knows his politics would like him, right? As Jake Kite, the noted British labor leader, used to say, “All them corn fields and ballet at night”.

If ever there were music for which the words lush and plush were coined it was written by Wagner. Israel banned his music for more than 50 years even though he died 10years before Hitler was born. Despite being grounded for more than half a century the Valkyries soared when finally let out of their cages.

Ezra Pound, without whom 20^th Century Literature would be unrecognizable, was snatched off the streets of a foreign country in 1945. He was held in an asylum in Washington, D.C. without being charged, arraigned, tried, or convicted of anything until 1958.

If Wifredo Lam felt the sting of Pecksniffian anti-Castro bluenoses 20 years ago what did Anita Bryant feel 39 years ago?

The large tent called “art” is surely wide enough to include her, isn’t it?

If Senor Lam was penalized for his politics could not the same be said of her?

Since we are instructed by the dramatist that “Free men speak with free tongues” we must err on the side of license. If speech and art are to be unfettered it must be universal. Either you are pregnant or you are not.

The appreciation of art is a universe for which the word “subjective” was invented. Since it – “art” and all its attendants - is a component part of speech it is either free or it is not.

The “liberal fascism” that condemned Anita Bryant cannot expect one of its supposed good guys – “Afro-Cuban surrealist”, Wifredo Lam – to be exempt from the same type of criticism.

Thomas More asked a true believer what he would do to stop the devil. “I’d cut down every law in England to get at him”, was the reply. The answer, “And when he turned round and came at you what would you do, all the laws being flat? Where would you hide?”

The petard upon which Anita Bryant was hoisted worked quite well for Senor Lam.

Send up a flare when an exhibit of cartoons mocking Mohammed is presented in Havana.

Super Delegates

February 8, 2008

Memo to the files: “Super Delegates” – What’s wrong with this picture or why there is still hope for Mike Gravel and when did Loni Guinier get on the Supreme Court of the United States?

At least the Florida hanging chads of 2000 weren’t lynched. One of the treacley modern American Liberal mantras – I know, I know they’re all treacley – was “One man, one vote” and its stirring codicil “Make every vote count and count every vote”. Twice in Hudson County, Cook County, and Landslide Lyndon Johnson country. Three times if necessary

“I was unable to lay my finger on the passage in the Constitution” that says New Hampshire gets to vote first. The Florida Legislature, a bi-cameral institution whose elections would get the approval of Clod Carter, the Plains Poltroon, voted to change the date of the primary. “Not fair”, say the John Cheever stereotypes up North. “You’re right”, say the scroyles who run the Democratic Party.

The penalty was simple.

Florida voters are disenfranchised at the Democratic convention this year.

The Constitution of the United States says that each state may set the rules for elections in its state.

The Democratic Party overturned the Constitution of the United States and the will of the people of Florida as expressed in a vote of the Florida Legislature, said vote being signed into law by the duly elected Governor of Florida. These same jackanapes hector us that our laws should comply with the UN, with the World Court, and soon, very soon, with what some towel headed mullah named Judge Abu Mullah Shariah rules on cliteroidectomies, floggings, beheadings, stonings, and cartoons.

The Supreme Court decided a case, Baker v Carr, in 1962.

Baker, a Tennessee Republican, sued Carr, the Tennessee Democratic Secretary of State because Tennessee had not altered the geographical boundaries of its legislative districts since 1901. Baker said the effect of that was to dilute his vote to absurdity. The argument that cows should not have a voice in the legislative process made some sense then. Now some of the Broward County modern American Liberal swells want to have manatee suffrage.

The Supreme Court agreed.

The principle of “One man, one vote” became the law of the land.

Except in Florida.

“But wait”, like the TV pitch man says, “there’s more”.

Florida has no say at the Democratic Convention because “men in council rooms far apart” so decided. Even if they had not the Florida vote would still be watered like light beer. [Let some candidate try to outlaw that and he will my money, my support, and my vote.] “Super delegates” have that effect. They weren’t elected; they were “chosen”.

Continuing its tradition of bigotry the Democratic Party euchred the rank and file saps into accepting “Super Delegates”. Has anybody ever heard of the House of Lords? Didn’t we and the Brits have a dustup over that a few centuries back?

Somehow, somewhere, in a very strange Secret Conclave manner, certain people, people who I know wear masks and sacrifice animals, choose other people to have a vote equal to those who got their vote the old fashioned way; they were elected. Elections are noisy, nasty things. That’s why they are good. That’s why people want to come here. That’s why you “never see anybody swimming to Cuba”. The dictum “Free men speak with free tongues” still hold true 25 centuries after it had its first run.

People in power, particularly Democratic caudillos, cannot live with what the people decide at the polls. The people must be guided; they must be informed; they must be made to know what is good for them. They can vote but it doesn’t really count unless they vote the correct way.

Quien sabe as to what criteria are used in choosing the chosen few – vegan, age, cholesterol, race, premature anti-waterboarding, school busing…Whoever knows ain’t talking.

Goals, not quotas. Just like Affirmative Action.

Who gets to pick the people who pick?

Quis custodes custodiet?

Which brings us back to Baker v Carr, hanging chads, photo IDs, Willie Horton, voter intimidation, voter empowerment, Hillary channeling Eleanor about White House swordsmen, and speaking of wars without an exit strategy how about the one on Poverty, Camelot [not the play but the reality series] and how the Hell did someone as bigoted and racist as John Sparkman get to run with Adlai Stevenson and why isn’t KKKKleagle Robert Byrd driven from the Senate by men with dogs and whips and why doesn’t Mike Gravel get a fair shot at the brass ring?

Simple.

Democrats and their flunky media lap dogs are blessed by an absence of memory be it short term or long. That, plus “eclectic indignation”, allows them to remember “with advantages” while they forget with convenience. Undeterred by facts and unruffled by the evidence of their own eyes they are welded together by a belief in a gravity defying utopian system “that will be so perfect that no one will have to be good”.

They just don’t care. They just want to be in charge.

It’s a formula that’s worked before.

Who says it won’t work this November?

Meanwhile Florida makes the news again. It is announced that Mikhail Gorbachev, the man who saved us from Ronald Reagan by ending the Cold War and tearing down the Berlin Wall, will be at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino for one night only April 16^th. Talk about filling inside straights!

“Because a wolf shows you his teeth it doesn’t mean he is smiling at you” was sound advice on the steppes pre-Lenin and the wonders of scientific socialism. “Keep your ax handy” was pretty good too.

I think Billary and Bahama Salama are going to behave like a pair of hungry badgers fighting over a lamb. I think the Super Delegates may be coming up to a place called Hobson’s Choice. I think Bill and Hillary will go the Thelma and Louise route if their wishes are not fulfilled.

Let the TV writers stay on strike.

These narcissistic – scratch that - solipsistic frauds are on the old slippery slope that will make Hugo Chavez look good. Talk about a chilling effect on Western Civilization! Robert Mugabe will send observers to the Democratic convention. The boys in Burma will ask why we’re picking on them.

Never bring a knife to a gun fight. Bet on the bitch.

I love it.

Can it get much better than this?

How about Handsome Billy from Hot Springs playing his saxophone for Fatima Obama?

State Representative Evan Jenne

February 7, 2008

State Representative Evan Jenne

6943 Stirling Road

Davie, Florida 33314

RE: Guns & animals – animals & guns and the proposed legislative ban on assault weapons

Representative Jenne,

“In rural parts of Florida, good people use guns to hunt animals.

In South Florida, animals use guns to hunt good people.”

The Sun-Sentinel

Page B1

Today

You

Good phrasing. You are verging on the edges, however unintentionally, of Rhetoric. Unfortunately that forces you to confront Logic. I’ll spare you the conflict of confronting Grammar. I think the entire Trivium would be a bit too much for you in one day.

Would your proposed legislation about assault weapons only be valid in ‘South Florida’? Would Disneyworld be the DMZ? AK47s and Uzis North of it; flintlocks only South of it.

Further, would you have different penalties for different areas? If, as you say, ‘animals in South Florida hunt good people’, should there be an open season-no limit hunt for them? It is an absolute that we could never waterboard them. How about just denutting them?

I have asked your co-sponsor, Senator Margolis, if she would sponsor legislation calling for the execution of anyone convicted of killing a police officer with an assault weapon. Would you?

If not, why not?

CC – BSO

CC - FDLE

Senator Gwen Margolis

February 7, 2008

Senator Gwen Margolis

1005 Kane Concourse #206

Bay Harbor, Florida 33154

RE: Mandatory sentences for use of assault weapons

Senator Margolis,

“Only raising the penalty will make realize they’re

going to spend a lot of time in jail.”

The Sun-Sentinel

Today

Page B1

You

[italics mine]

Would not the Logic, Logic being one of the hallmarks of Western Civilization, of mandatory sentencing of criminals using assault weapons in the commission of a crime lead to the following conclusion?

Anyone convicted of using an assault weapon in

the murder of a police officer shall be executed.

Can I expect your support for the above? If not, why not?

\

CC – FDLE

CC - BSO

Ellen Goodman, Boston Globe

February 2, 2008

Ellen Goodman

The Boston Globe

135 Morrissey Boulevard

Boston, MA 02125

RE: Why I know you are not a Catholic – A poke in the eye take on your typical “non-malodorous fecal matter” hagiography on the Kennedy louts.

Ms. Goodman.

I know it is the season of ‘change’ but it is a centuries old tradition in the Roman Catholic Church that someone has to die before he can be declared a Saint. It will be a while before Liberation Theology gets to that one.

Further, there is an adversarial process involving a person known as the “devil’s advocate”. His job is to present evidence why the chosen one should not become a saint. Mary Jo Kopechne is still dead. I guess that means that Ted the Tosspot still can’t walk on water.

My Saturday morning ritual, one steeped in ancient lore, I make supplications to the Gods to both increase and speed up Global Warming. It involves animal sacrifice, a

lesson well learned from the Greeks. [As an aside I add that I have finally found a good use for manatees.]

Some 13 centuries after Christ walked the earth there was an upward spike in temperatures in Europe. Unlike this year’s version of Luddites, modern American Liberals all, good things happen when the temperatures rise. More land becomes arable. People eat better. They become smarter. We got the Renaissance.

It’s been more than 13 centuries since the peace loving Mohammed walked around the desert. Maybe it’s time for a WOG Dante. It couldn’t hurt. I wonder how “Half way through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error” sounds in Fuzz-Wuzzy?

Your column disturbed the harmonic convergence of my supplications to the Gods. Its only saving grace was that it contains all of the head up your ass, gravity defying, “My favorite color is plaid”, “May I have some more ‘rainbow stew’, please”?, and thank God for all those conveniently located memory holes down into which we can toss those troubling facts questioning persiflage laden ca-ca nostrums of modern American Liberalism.

Your first paragraph attributes “wryness” to Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, the former Lieutenant Governor of Maryland. Impossible. The woman is dumber than a pallet of snow tires. Blue crabs in the Chesapeake cheered when she was elected. It was a toss-up between them and oysters for dumbest citizen of Maryland. She made it a 3 way race. You may wish to view the video tape of her after the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl. Keep her away from sharp instruments and heavy machinery. If you were to ask her what color an orange is you would have to make it multiple choice.

You talk about Teddy, AKA Senator Suet, as if his shadow need but pass over the halt and the lame and they’ll be headlining next week on “Dancing with the Stars”.

Not so. Not so.

The man is a moral slag heap.

“We all get to pick and choose the

pieces of history

that please our current appetite.”

The Miami Herald

Today

You

Clio is deeply offended.

What you describe may make for interesting viewing in the same way that afternoon TV is interesting. It’s like having meringue for your entrée followed by whipped cream. Nourishing they’re not.

Herodotus, Thucydides, and Gibbon will shortly be storming the Boston Globe, the last refuge of Dunderheads, with vengeance as their aim. Your unpardonable sin, the watchword of modern American Liberalism, is “eclectic indignation”. That, plus your disdain for the “permanent things”, makes you a creature of feelings rather than a creature of thoughts.

You seem to have forgotten, most conveniently, that John Kennedy ran in 1960 on 2 basic issues.

#1 – The missile gap

#2 – The economy

As to #1 and, lest we forget, the President was Eisenhower. He led 10,000,000 in battle in Europe. 11 months and 2 days after he landed in France Germany surrendered. All he had to say was that he would “go to Korea” when he was running in 1952 and the Gomers in North Korea and their handlers in Moscow decided that the game wasn’t worth it.

Is it conceivable that he would let his country slide into peril?

As to #2 Kennedy’s solution to the economy was to cut taxes. That he benefited his father who was paying taxes at a 90% rate may have been a conflict of interest there is no doubt. The other side of the coin is that it worked. Many, many poor people benefited by taking part in the greatest anti-poverty program of all time: a job. In case you haven’t noticed it works every time it is tried.

His inaugural address told the world that we would “pay any price and bear any burden in defense of liberty”. He told us in the campaign that Quemoy and Matsu were defensible because “any place is defensible if free men so choose”. You may wish to Google Quemoy and Matsu.

It is good that children “remember with advantages” a dead parent. Before he became the 20^th century’s Saint Francis of Assisi his first job as an attorney was as Counsel to Senator McCarthy. That was Joseph of Wisconsin, not Eugene of Minnesota. The firs thing he did as Attorney General, a job for which he had no qualifications, was to wire tap and bug Martin Luther King afternoon romps to the cheating side of town.

Perhaps you, as a big media person, could find out, now that the 20^th century is past, if any of these nasty snots ever went to a public school or ever had an honest to goodness show up at a time certain and let someone know that you are there job? If any of them ever had job find out if they ever belonged to a union.

It is an inconvenient truth but facts are hard things.

Camelot and Utopia had one thing in common.

Neither was here.