October 31, 2017

Andres Viglucci

The Miami Herald

RE: Walmart is evil, particularly after Wide Bottomed Hillary left its Board, but Amazon is neutral? Some comments on your news article about, in a trend reversing trend, a trendy book store is opening in a trendy South Florida neighborhood.  Why it doesn’t open in Liberty City is a discussion for a different time. Shouldn’t poor folks, particularly people of color, have an equal opportunity to read?

Mr. Viglucci,

The two things that stand out about Irish Alzheimer’s are that, while you forget you have it, the last thing you forget is a well-earned grudge.

A brief digression.

Modern American Liberals raled against Walmart because they shut down Mom & Pop stores. Forget that Walmart greatly benefited single moms, usually women of color, with their huge inventories and phenomenally low prices – por ejemplo, prescription drugs. They disturbed, indeed ruptured, the limited inventory, high price, delivery extra, model that had existed for decades. Vide “Creative Destruction” by Schumpeter

Progressives, the natural descendants of modern American Liberals, must take a blood oath swearing that they have never purchased a book from Amazon before they will be allowed to criticize Walmart.

But back to the main track.

By 1997 I was a big-time fan of “Books & Books” in Coral Gables. Just before Christmas I was there looking to score a 2 book combo as a Christmas present.

I found several options for #1 – T. S. Eliot - but none for #2 – Ezra Pound. I asked a knowledgeable sales person where I could find Pound.

“We don’t stock him,” she told me.

“Why not,” I asked. 

“Ask him,” she said.

“Him” was the bearded, gaunt, almost Jesuitical, owner, Mitch Kaplan.

He told me he wouldn’t stock Pound because he was an anti-Semite and that since he owned the store he could stock or not stock anybody.

Quickly remembering that the natural law right to use one’s property as you want – sui juris -  is paramount in the pantheon of God-given rights – “gifts from beyond the stars” – I said, “You’re right”, and I haven’t been back since.

Again, a brief digression.

Try to imagine 20^th century literature – N.B. that I specifically didn’t say 20^th century English literature – without Joyce, without Eliot, [Eliot called Pound il miglior fabbro] without Hemingway, without Yeats. While you are at it, try to imagine Bach absent the cello, cell phones without Jobs, or the 20^th century without the Polish Pope and the Great Reagan. 

Harvey Weinstein produced some great films. Roman Polansky directed some great films. Meryl Streep called the former “God” and publicly wet her drawers clapping for the latter in 2003. Weinstein ruined it for a lot of rain coat flashing dirty old men while Polanski queered the pitch for fledgling paedophiles. Sould that grant us a license to burn their films?

Since Mitch’s new business plans don’t interfere with mine I wish him the best.

Let me report that, indeed, plaids do go with stripes, and that I have discovered 2 new episodes of The Honeymooners. On the other hand, it is best to hard boil your Easter eggs before you bury them.

Kevin Smith

October 29, 2017

Congresswoman Lois Frankel

2500 North Military Trail #490

Boca Raton, FL 33431

RE: Some comments on your moronic mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel on your plan to raise unicorns to tend the Rainbow Stew and non-GMO balloon juice bushes that will be used to feed the anti-gravity 3D droids that modern American Liberals so devoutly wish for.

Congresswoman Frankel,

Since you never had the courtesy of responding to me when I was your constituent I shan’t be shattered if you continue that proud Democratic tradition.

Meanwhile, here is some useful, of course organic, cud to chew on.

#1 – How do you give a tax cut to someone with no taxable income? [The unspoken corollary to that, a subject for a different discussion, is how do homeless people, those “unlucky in life’s lottery”, mange to remain obese?

#2 – Why do tax cuts have to be “paid” for?

#3 – Approximately 20% of the taxpayers pay about 75% of all taxes. Would not Logic dictate that any tax cut, be it income, personal, corporate, estate, or pass through would disproportionately benefit those who are feeding the cow rather just being welded to the perpetually lactating teat? Udderly offensive to said Logic, right?

#4 - Here’s a plan. Double, maybe triple, the deduction from Federal taxes, of local and state taxes. If you spend $25,000 locally you get to deduct $50,000 or $75,000 from your Federal taxes. Raise the highest bracket to 105% and we will all be farting through silk before you can say “Midnight Basketball”. Great idea, right?

#5 – You may remember that we borrowed $1,000,000,000,000 from the Chinese in 2009 to fund “shovel ready jobs”. How did that work out? Exactly which year did the “Summer of Recovery” take place? As far as I can tell, it all went to Blue States to fund public unions’ salaries, benefits, and pension schemes. Does that pass the “bag test”? #6 – Check your meds. You may be substituting Xanax for B-12.

We had Obama for 8 years and you tell me with apparently a straight face that our bridges are falling down, Keisha still can’t read, and Granny is either dumpster diving or eating discarded cat food.

 Wazupwidat?

You can respond or not respond at my new address: Bedlam

The old address is still the same.

Kevin Smith

October 29, 2017

State Senator Lauren Book

967 Nob Hill Road

Plantation, FL 33324

RE: 70% is more than 60% but, gosh almighty, that doesn’t make 60% “small potatoes”, does it? Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on marijuana in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Senator Book,

You’re right in your Trollope-like observation that a more than 70% yes vote on the question of legalizing marijuana should count for something.

For more than a century, led originally by that old bigot Woodrow Wilson, initiative and referendum have been the twin horizon-like Gods of Progressives. They morphed into today’s permanent scolds and nags, AKA modern American Liberals.

The problem with universal suffrage and the lack of literacy tests or property qualifications is that sometimes the wrong people vote for the wrong things. For example, it can be argued that absent the XV11th Amendment, the United States would have sat out World War 1.

What do you make of the 62% majority that voted to oppose same-sex marriage?

Doubtless, they were all “bitter clinging deplorables”, but if modern American Liberals are determined to give the vote to ex-cons – think of OJ Simpson – illegal aliens, returning ISIL/ISIS combat veterans, even those suffering from PTSD, how can we ignore this “silent majority”?

Only the modern American Liberal gift of “eclectic indignation” allows you to proclaim, without wetting your knickers, that plaid is your favorite color.

You go, Girl!

Kevin Smith

October 27, 2017

Mitchell Berger, Esq.

Berger Singerman

350 Las Olas Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 30001

RE: Can’t make it tonight. Sorry.

Mitchie!

Last minute opening at the Seminar for Increasing my carbon footprint while convincing the addle-brained modern American liberal boobs that I Really, Really Care about baby seal eating polar bears. It is sponsored by the Alpha Gump School of Making America Dumber. Its motto is “Who Cares If There are More Horses’ Asses than Horses’ Heads As Long As I Can Make a Buck?” 

So far, it’s worked for him.

Ask Al tonight what happened to the exponentially expanding hole in the ozone layer, the one that was going to cook us. He told us that in 1991, remember?

Ask him if he ever hears from Paul Ehrlich, Ph. D. who told us in 1969 that the Race was on. We would either freeze to death or starve by the year 2000, remember?

Ask him if he ever hears from Paul Krugman, PH. D. & Nobel Prize who was a shill for Enron a $50,000 a pop – Some country, right? – who told us that if Trump beat Wide-Bottomed Hillary that the market would tank and 401ks would become 201ks. I’m glad Buffett took his advice. He did, didn’t he?

Lastly, if sea levels are rising why aren’t beach front property values falling?

Kevin Smith

PS – Do you hike or bike to work? Have you turned off the A/Cs in your office, in your house? Is bupkes kosher for vegan meals?

October 28, 2017

Letter to the Editor

The Star Ledger

Star Ledger Plaza

Newark, NJ

RE: Some comments on your unlinkable editorial on the horror, the horror oc Climate chnagr and the government’s inability to tell its citizens that the sky is falling.

Sirs, Madames, Undecideds,

First of all, it was not Hurricane Sandy. It was big, nasty, mean spirited, divisive, particularly to women and minorities, Sandy the Storm.

It’s a small thing but it’s important for two reasons.

A – God is in the details.

B – The words “consensus” and “science” do not belong, never ever, in the same sentence. It would be like saying “almost a virgin” or “almost malignant” or “almost the truth”.

I am going to take a break here. I am going to put my “Proud Global Warmer” hat on. It – Global Warming – is what caused the Renaissance. Unless you have a problem with Dante just nod and say “Deo Gratias”. Besides, it’s what guys born and raised in Bayonne do.

I spent several summers as a child in Sea Bright.

I spent several summers as an adult in Bay Head.

If, as you say, the sea level is rising, how much have the property values gone down?

If, as you say, the sea level is rising, why is the United States government insuring property owners against the absolutely, positively, guaranteed risk of destruction from which there is no escape?

If, as you say, the sea level is rising, why are banks still financing the purchases of these properties? The instruments are called mortgages and, I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but in our post-racial society the government buys this debt thereby enabling the lenders to do it all over again. Honest.

I greatly treasure my copy of Paul Ehrlich’s 1969 forgotten masterpiece, “The Population Bomb”. It said we were doomed to die by the year 2000. We would either starve or freeze. Talk about a Hobson’s Choice!

Does the word “bullshit” still have the same panache it had when I was a resident Jersey Guy?

Kevin Smith

Ps – I loved it when you said to “incorporate under-represented populations in the decision-making process”. Does that include illegal aliens, border jumpers, DACA whelps, Sanctuary City refugees, ISIS/ISIL veterans, and undocumented flotsam and jetsam? How will you know if you can’t ask them? It must be tough to be a card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberal these days. Deep down you know that you are all full of shit.

October 29, 2017

Fred Grimm

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Some things never change. Some comments on your lachrymose-ridden, achingly familiar column on the unfairness of it all, as written down by you in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Brother Grimm, 

I thought that when you left the Miami Herald you would become Chairman Emeritus and chief tsk-tsker of the Harriet van Horne Rest Home for POO Pundits, POO being short hand for “Perpetually Outraged and Offended”.

It being close to Halloween you have adopted the Dracula guise and refuse to stay dead. You succeed in giving lycantrophy and vampirism a bad name.

Life would be good if only we could get rid of those wascally Wepublicans. “All them corn fields and ballet at night”, as Fred Kite, the noted British Labour leader used to say. 

Here’s the only solution to your eternal agida.

Unelect those Republicans

Elect some head up their ass Democrats.

Think Cuba, Venezuela, Zimbabwe. Think big time Midnight Basketball.

Get back to me, OK?

Kevin Smith

October 29, 2017

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor

The Sun Sentinel 

500 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: “Hurricanes bring out the worst in people” – a comment or two about your editorial surprise that local governments acted like the Post Office or the DMV during the recent “weather anomalies” that got everybody’s knickers knotted.

Ms. O’Hara,

First, I paraphrased the hurricane line from “Earthquake”. The original line was “Earthquakes bring out the worst in people”. It was said by Academy Award winner George Kennedy just after he shot a wing-nut sexual predator. A marvelous line, bordering on high camp.

Second, I have a checkered business background. In my quest for Mammon and in my pursuit of clean lucre. I learned the hard way that Orwell was right when he said that “the obvious and true have to be defended”. Here are two of them:

#1 – “If no profit is possible the risk is obvious.”

#2 – “If eggs go to $5 a dozen the rooster will lay.”

You cite 2 Mayors in your editorial:

A – “The governor should establish a pre-storm rate for debris removal 

to eliminate the cannibalization among cities of debris removal resources to 

the highest bidder.” Delray Beach Mayor Glickman

God, but that sounds really dumb because it is.

But wait. There’s more and it’s dumber.

B – “If there were better intergovernmental cooperation, the debris…

would have been picked up much faster.” LbtS Mayor Sasser

Why not have the Governor set a “fair” rate for everything? It worked well for Diocletian17 centuries ago, right? Nixon tried it 47 years ago and it led to a kidney stone of a decade. The “fatal conceit” of central planners determining what is “fair” is moronic. The next time it works will be the first time it works. 

“Cooperation” on debris removal consists of one thing and one thing only. Who gets the crap picked up first is all that counts. Everything else is like having a bowl of meringue for dinner. If no one will pick up the debris for $20 try $30, try $40. You, as an employee of a company that spent several years in Chapter X1 bankruptcy, should be aware of this. 

“Rocks are hard; water is wet.” Appeals to “fairness” are like trying to reach the horizon. Everybody knows where it is but nobody can quite reach it. Barack the Beneficent and Wide-Bottomed Hillary could have used 7 League boots and still not gotten there.

In the ether world where modern American Liberals are constantly tinkering with their anti-gravity machines, results don’t count. All that counts are expectations. The Kumbaya banner has never been fully unfurled. Maybe it is time for Bernie.

A good city budget carries reserves for such emergencies. They are a combination of cash and standby credit lines. Why should a prudent city be penalized by its imprudent neighbor in the name of “fairness”? Isn’t its first obligation to its citizens?

The next truism is “Never appeal to someone’s better nature. He may not have one. Appeal to his self-interest.” It’s quicker. And it is the best way to get the crap picked up.

I saw a sign on the Michael Putney show today that said “Haiti Isn’t Ready”. Who needs a passport, some vaccines, and free stuff to give to the abos? Stay home and beat the TSA pat down. Is there any truth that Harvey Weinstein will be doing work release chores for them?

Send up a flare when it snows at a Dolphins’ game. That will really be Climate Change

Kevin Smith

October 22, 2017

Congresswoman Frederic Wilson

18425 NW 2^nd Ave #355

Miami Gardens, FL 333169

Congresswoman Wilson,

I know, I know that I shouldn’t construct a universal from an overflowing basket of deplorable particulars – you remember that fallacious Logical construct from your school daze, don’t you? – but you are a member in good standing of a most loathsome cabal, “a confederacy of dunces”, if you will.

Congresswoman Corinne Brown, a grifter who gives shoplifting a bad name, Congresswoman Eddie Bernice Johnson who said Harvey Weinstein’s victims were asking for it, Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, the meaner than cat shit member from Texas, who has replaced Senator Metzenbaum and Senator Bilbo as the nastiest member in Congress are also members. Special mention should be given to la bruja from Los Angeles, the head wing nut, moon bat Congresswoman Maxine Waters. She has taken Willie Sutton’s advice to heart. “Why do you rob banks?” “Because that’s where the money is.”

You all have one thing in common. Deals with red-neck cracker legislators were made to hard wire a district that would have elected Willie Horton or Step-n-Fetchit. Who’s to say they wouldn’t have made better choices?

They and you are deep down into their double-helixed building blocks, rotten miserable hecates. OK, OK you have 2 things in common.

And I am sitting not 10 feet from my wife’s family’s gold star scroll.

Kevin Smith

October 22, 2017

Sheriff Scott Israel

Broward Sheriff’s Office

RE: “Hate dies in silent darkness” – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on freedom, I think, in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Sheriff Israel,

Let me quickly add that your nostrums are lifted en toto from the dog-eared modern American playbook, the one that gives talking points to non-thinking true believers. That’s the one that says, broadly speaking, all social problems – the heartbreak of psoriasis, teenage bullying, teenage obesity, income inequality, drowning polar bears, lack of low priced sustainable public transit, lo-fat zabaglione, and free premium cable – can be solved if men of good will reach across the aisle and turn their swords into plowshares and have men of good will get some solutions to our problems. Remember, the War on Poverty solve poverty more than 50 years ago, right? 

Since we know God is in the details the specific problem of how free free speech is, is tempered by whose Gore is being oxed.

Por ejemplo, when Cossacks, disguised as SEIU thugs, invaded the Wisconsin legislature and greeted all the female members with a hearty “Fuck you, cunt”, the silence from the modern American Left was deafening.

Nat Hentoff, noted jazz critic, free speech advocate, and strident abortion foe said in his book “Free Speech For Me But Not For You”, it depends.

Would the Sheriff’s office defend my right to wrap the Koran [Why is it always “sacred” while the Bible, an older book and the main source of material for the Koran, be it sacred or profane, is not accorded the same exalted status?] and the Bible in the American flag and set it ablaze on the steps of the courthouse. Naturally, I would have pail of pig pee nearby should the blaze get out of control// And yes, I would take a knee during the ceremony.

I hope you are a member of the BSO “rubber gun squad”. I don’t want you out there with live ammo.

You say “hat is killed by silent darkness”. Maybe yes, maybe no. One thing for certain. Sunlight always kills it. 

Who gets to pick what is hate speech, what is not hate speech, and what tips one into the other? If I were to say “Black Lives Matter insofar as All Lives Matter” would that be hate speech per se? If I were to say, Hands Up; Don’t Shoot” is a racist lie would that make me a hate monger?

You close by espousing “enduring values of decency and equality” as if you had them memorized. Can you send me a list of them so I will know? 

In all the picking and choosing of what is good, what is bad, what is offensive, and what is “good” keep in mind the eternal words of Juvenal, a noted DWEM, who said

Quis custodeit ipso custodies?

Kevin Smith

PS – Go to the African-American Library and ask where you can find a copy of Dick Gregory’s excellent autobiography. Don’t mention the title lest some feral Black youth take umbrage.

October 15, 2017

Commissioner Tim Ryan

Broward County Commission

115 South Andrews Ave

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel in which you make manifestly clear that you didn’t spend too much time in either Political Science or History class.

Commissioner Ryan,

Since I believe that “modesty is an overrated virtue” I had no problem when in responding to my last letter you told me you were graduated with honors in, I believe, Economics.

Too bad you didn’t spend some time looking at speech in both a Historical sense in general and political in particular. 

Read carefully. I’ll type slowly.

25 centuries ago, a wounded veteran said, “Freemen speak with free tongues”. How simple is that? It is a gift we get at birth, a “gift from beyond the stars”. 

“The real outrage is that we have a social and political environment

where hatred based on race, gender, and ethnicity seems

 acceptable to a large segment of the population.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today 

You

Let me see if I can guess what your solution is. As a modern American Liberal your reaction is instinctive and visceral: spend more money on reeducation. Get to the root causes of all this hate and beat it out of them. As a modern American Liberal your path to free speech is strewn with less free speech. In this you find no contradiction. It’s OK for teachers’ unions to extort money from their members to lobby you but not anyone opposed to abortion. Wide-bottomed Hillary was/is opposed to the Citizens United decision because they said not nice things about her. Cal-Berkeley, where the free speech movement supposedly was begun, regularly beats up anyone opposed to what they say and then they loot and pillage. 

The First Amendment was not put in first place to protect Dr. Seuss – even though            he was a big fan of Hitler - or Mr. Rogers who wasn’t. It was put in place to protect the Nazi wanabees marching through Skokie, Illinois. It was put in place to protect and defend the Westboro Baptist Church as they condemn “fags” at funerals.

It was put in place to protect the things we hate, not the things we love.

Why is “Piss Christ”, an art work showing a crucifix suspended in a vat filled with pee, permitted? Why is flag burning permitted? [I shan’t ask about the Mohammed cartoons because in the cloud world occupied by modern American Liberals disrespecting a religion is allowed, indeed encouraged, only if the religion is Christian or Jewish. Muslims are too sensitive and will become radical Islamic terrorists if Mohammed is depicted as a goat humping paedophile.

Why is it OK for homosexuals and lesbians to call each other queer or dike? Wasn’t it Churchill who said that a public flamer “gave sodomy a bad name”? Why is it OK for Colored – as in NAACP colored - people to call each other nigger? Why can’t White people use these terms? Shades of James Baldwin! Where can the term “Nigger queer” be used successfully? 

Somebody named Spencer will speaking at Gator land soon. He has never been known to hum Kumbaya nor does he much favor affirmative action, be it goal oriented or quota oriented. I understand that SEAL Team 6 and the Honor Guard at Arlington will be deployed for security. It may be too late to deploy a Gurkha battalion to show both diversity and inclusion. I understand that some of the demonstrators, in addition to wearing masks and wielding cudgels, are taking a cue from the SEIU thugs who, having invaded the Wisconsin legislature, greeted the female solons with shouts of “Go fuck yourself, cunt”. Yet these “Trousered Apes”, if they were to be unmasked and stood by themselves, would be pajama-clad snowflakes who would make George Costanza look like Achilles. How many POOs – Perpetually Outraged and Offended – are at the University of Florida? 

How many troops would be needed if Harvey Weinstein were invited to speak? How about Willie Horton? OJ?

“I would give the Devil the benefit of the doubt for my own safety’s sake.”

“I tremble when I realize God is just.” Was Kris Kristofferson right when he said, “Freedom’s just another way of saying there’s nothing left to lose”? Call me when you want to burn some books and movies. Dick Gregory’s bio titled “Nigger” and Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles” will be the first 2 on the pyre. How about “Nude Descending a Staircase” and some of those cool Robert Mapplethorpe pictures? Don’t forget Kipling and Mark Twain. What size is your head? I want to send you a dunce cap, you boob.

Kevin Smith

October 13, 2017

Letter to the Editor

The Star Ledger

Star Ledger Plaza

Newark, NJ 07102-1200

RE: You can take the guy out of Jersey but you  can’t take Jersey out of the guy – Some comments on your so predictably, achingly POO [Perpetually Outraged and Offended] editorial about Willie Horton and Sanctuary Cities.

Sirs,

First, some background. 

I was born and raised in Bayonne. That’s on the good end of Hudson County. I learned early on that politics ain’t beanbag. I knew about el ladron, Senator Menendez, when he was the bag man for Mayor Musto before he ratted him out. Also, I had a cousin who was paid $5.00 to throw tomatoes from the roof of Saint Francis Hospital at all non-Row A candidates who dared to have a rally in Hamilton Park. I had an uncle who lived on Randolph Avenue in Jersey City, right behind Saint Paul’s Church, where both my father and Eamonn deValera were baptized. Such was his devotion to politics in general and Row A in particullar that he bullet voted until 1971 despite having died in 1956.

Second, some History lessons.

#1 – Willie Horton was a raping murderer in Massachusetts. He was, under the aegis of Governor Wee Mikey Dukakis, he of “the Iowa farmers should grow arugula and endive for crop rotation” furloughed. Later on, he insisted on being photographed wearing the silly assed GI Joe helmet as he drove a big boy tank. Using his “furlough” WH went to Maryland, and can you believe this, he raped and murdered again. Other than the empirically self-evident fact that Willie was Black, can you find a scintilla, a soupcon, if you will, of racism in the above statement?

I first learned of Willie Boy when Senator Albert Arnold Gore, Jr, AKA Alpha Gump and by his later Secret Service moniker “Cementhead”, used him and his sordid tale of rape, looting, and pillaging in 2 states to poleax Governor Dukakis in the New York Presidential primary in Manhattan. In this rebuke he was joined most enthusiastically by Mayor Ed Koch, another proud Democrat.

Look it up.

Bush 41 produced a TV ad featuring the above.

If that makes Bush a racist what does it make Gore and Koch? [Incidentally, Senator Gore, Sr voted against all major civil right laws of the ‘60s. I mention that 

because, absent Senator Dirksen’s 33 valiant Republican Senators, Johnson’s legislation would not have passed.

Look that one up also.

It’s a well-known fact – Did I just say that? I am bound and determined not to be cliché ridden – that modern American Liberals, specifically those who buy ink by the barrel, are made most uncomfortable when they realize the petard they are about to be hoisted upon is of their own making.

Ouch! That must really hurt.

#2 – There is more to the Interstate highway system than I95 in New Jersy. Despite naming a toll plaza after Admiral Halsey and a truck stop after Coach Lombardi, both of which add to the glory of the polar bear drowning internal combustion engine, there are other parts worth noting. [I insist on digressing. In the late 20s General Macarthur assigned his trusted clerk, Captain Eisenhower, with the logistical task of finding out how long it would take to get a fully equipped division from one ocean to the other.  “6 weeks, weather permitting”, was the answer. When Eisenhower was presented with the idea of an interstate system in the ‘50s he pounced on it. Look that one up also.]

Interstate 10 – Jacksonville, FL to Santa Monica, CA, ocean to ocean, sea to shining sea – is my favorite road. I use it when I go to see my Texas Ladies. It does not go through Plaquemines Parish, LA even though a neutral cartographer would have so done. It was also known for its bad roads, the main reason for which was that the Federal government refused to pay a penny towards construction and maintenance. Even though Bills of Attainder are specifically mentioned and expressly forbidden by the Constitution, Leander Perez was the reason why the Feds turned off the lactating highway teat. He was the typical Southern Democrat local pol. That is to say he was a vile, racist, bigoted who defied the Federal government. [As a Roman Catholic I am proud to say that my Church excommunicated him.]

He was an apostle of John Calhoun and his Theory of Nullification. The Theory posited a simple premise: Federal laws weren’t binding on local jurisdictions unless those jurisdictions approved them. That’s why his parish gave rise to the song “40 Miles of Bad Road”.

Can you see where I’m going here?

The Rule of Law is a precious gift. It comes to us “from beyond the stars”.

The A.V. Dicey definition of said Rule of Law, posited in the 19^th century, is still valid, is still the fixed star in the legal heavens.

“The Rule of Law means, in the first place, the absolute supremacy

or predominance of regular law as opposed to the influence of arbitrary

power, and excludes the existence of arbitrariness, of prerogative, or

 even of wide discretionary authority on the part of government.”

The Law of the Constitution

It’s like pi or when the chains are brought out to measure for a first down. 

If pi were to become 3.0 instead of 3.1416 geometry test scores would soar but  bridges would fall down. If it took but 9.5 yards for a home team first down but 10.5 for the visitors it would be an express lane to chaos.

180 years ago, Senator John C. Calhoun proposed his Theory of Nullification. Despite it being both refuted and defeated on the field of battle, it lives on. Leander Perez and the mantle of subjective obedience to some but not all laws and regulations lives on in the person of New Jersey Democratic gubernatorial candidate Patrick Murphy – 2 brief asides: Why is being an alumnus of Goldman Sachs “bad” when the alumnus is named Steve Bannon but “good” when the names Jon Corzine and Patrick Murphy are mentioned? Although no one will ever compare her to either Demosthenes or Patrick Henry but didn’t Goldman Sachs give Wide Bottomed Hillary $260,000 for a speech affirming the difference between the buttered side from the dry? Also, if candidate Murphy is such a big fan of public schools why didn’t he send his kids to them? Silly question, isn’t it? Public schools are for the children of “deplorables”, right?]

Would it not be “fair” to ask candidate Murphy if there are any other Federal laws he intends to disobey?

The Governors Cuomo, pere et fils, both said that while they are personally opposed to abortion, they couldn’t oppose it because it was the law of the land.  I asked both of them what would have happened if runaway slave Dred Scott had been captured when they were Governor. Would they have offered him sanctuary or would they have put his felonious Black ass on the midnight train to Georgia? Still waiting for an answer.

Somebody should ask Murphy if his favorite color is plaid, the color favored by all modern American Liberals. 

Kevin Smith

PS – How easy it is for you to confusingly conflate causation with correlation! On the other hand, if it weren’t for tautologies you wouldn’t have to think at all. Is there a collective noun for a gathering of putzes?

October 9, 2017

The longer I am away from Bayonne the more I appreciate it. You learned saloon etiquette, you learned to tell the buttered side from the dry, and, more importantly, you learned what not to do. And yes, this has to do with Harvey Weinstein.

Can we stipulate that he is a particularly unhandsome guy? He is about 2 steps short of Quasimodo comparison and that he gives guys with beards a guilt by association 

redolence. Let the record show that I am both a calorically and folliclely challenged, bearded, somewhat disabled senior citizen.

Since I am deep into the back nine of life I like to look back on certain events of the front nine.

A wife who was better in the bad times than the good, the $5,000 lunch in 1978, the $42,000,000 tax bill, a wasted trip to the Supreme Court, the ’66 Margaux and the ’70 Petrus, the Concorde, the 2+2 E-type Jaguar on Mother’s Day, some scholarships in my father’s name, and a boy and a girl who turned out to be good adults.

I had 28 semesters of tuition, 26 of which were a snap, 1 of which was a reach, and the last one was American Expressed and Bank of Nunzio financed.

One of the highlights happened in the short, terrible reign of Jimmy Carter, the worst President of the 20^th century. The only 2 things he did that were to his credit were #1 – he alone in American History did not get to nominate anyone to the Supreme Court and #2 – his terminal ineptitude. His speeches made my hair hurt and caused my finger nails to curl backwards. That guaranteed that the Great Reagan, in league with the Polish Pope and Lady Thatcher, was able to beat the Russkies and save the world. Divine intervention? Why not?

But I digress.

Courtenay, then my 9-year-old daughter, was being bullied by a girl 2 or 3 years older. I went to the principal, a man who earned his title, Roland the Worm, the old-fashioned way for surcease. I found none.

The bullying continued.

I stopped it the old-fashioned way. I did tell you I was from Bayonne, didn’t I?

I drove on to the lawn of the bully girl. I pounded on the door until someone opened it. The girl’s father was shielded by her mother. I told him that that the next time his daughter bothered my daughter, the next time a dog barked at her, the next time leaves fell on her I would beat the shit out of him and that I would take my chances with a jury.

My daughter was never bothered again.

Chazzer Harvey “settled” harassment claims with at least 8 women. Lard Kennedy, Liar Dodd, and Handsome Billy from Hot Springs taught the Pig Man well, “They’re just chicks, sperm depositories, that’s all.” Lard told him you can get away with killing them. “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” means you, AKA “God” according to Meryl Streep, can trap one of them in a corner and spank your monkey until you sprinkle a nearby – thankfully – potted plant.

These women have fathers, husbands, uncles, and sons.

Why didn’t someone take a whip to him? Somebody should have pounded his substantial Pillsbury Dough Boy arse into silly putty. He would have had to take his socks down to take a dump. And there wouldn’t be a next time.

Just like it would have happened if he lived in Bayonne. 

KS

October 11, 2017

Mayor Barbara Sharief

Broward County Commission

115 South Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Massa Broward be about to go into de cold, cold ground, maybe in a museum on one of Jupiter’s smaller moons.

Madame Mayor,

First, a digression.

I usually don’t begin my highly anticipated and appreciated love notes to modern American Liberal politicians, all of whom always turn out to be brobdanaglian horses’ asses, that way. You made me do it.

You have destroyed the hoary [hoary is not to be taken euphonically] saw about an independent judiciary. It ain’t.

Your unctuous diktat about the removal of the Broward statue – Next step is his removal from Wikipedia, right? -  give ukases a bad name. You, in your role as Chief Social Justice Warrior cum Amazon, forgot that the statue is in the court house.

So there.

But wait, there’s more.

Nothing in your background suggests that you have any knowledge, let alone formal training, in traditional Logic. I’ll type slowly. Reductio ad absurdum is both a crutch and a slide, a slippery slope if you will.

If Big Boss Man Broward gets the chop, how about Plantation High School? It has a sign in front that says “Home of the Colonels”. That’s Colonels, not Kernels. 

What does that sign do to the hundreds of melanin-enhanced students walking past it every day? Even though slavery ended 150 years ago, when the Dred Scott decision was overturned on the field of battle – I digress again. My father’s father had 2 uncles who fought with the Irish Brigade in the Wheat Field at Gettysburg on the afternoon of July 2, 1863. One of them is still there, “wrapped in his faded coat of Blue”. – we know that slavery is embedded, double-helixed if you will, into the DNA of American Blacks. Lysenko notwithstanding, the effects still linger. [I mention my uncle because if reparations become the law of the land I will claim a carry forward tax credit]

Yet we force them to bear the constant reminder of White supremacy as they enter and leave the school. Another lash on the backs of the wretched oppressed! 

It is time, indeed past time, to address the issue of Dixie Highway.

Since you can issue an order – “The wish of the Princess has the force of law – bypassing the Broward County judiciary and you can issue one bypassing the Broward County Board of Education the highway folks should be a lay-up. 

Until it is named after Willie Horton or OJ Simpson, beginning with one day a month, no county vehicle can travel up or down on Dixie Highway. No county vehicle or any vehicle regulated by Broward County can traverse – that means cross – Dixie Highway. The order should specifically mention emergency vehicles, vehicles such as police cars, ambulances, or fire trucks. Taxis also. Some things are more important than life or death.

There are 2 nuclear powered United States Navy warships named after Senator Stennis and Congressman Vinson. Alas, they spent their entire adult public lives trying to keep little Black boys from going to school with little White girls. Should they be scheduled to dock here I would suggest forming a blockade of Broward Sheriff’s speed boats – What was Sheriff Jenne, AKA Emperor Kenneth the Short, thinking? Did he want to invade Palm Beach? Your legal justification for this is the same one used to justify defying the Federal government on the matter of Sanctuary cities. It is called the Calhoun Theory of Nullification. It too was refuted, in part by my dead uncle and as many as 700,000 of his fellow combat veterans. It’s like Midnight Basketball. It didn’t get a fair shot the first time it was tried. Damned Bluebellies!

Show us the way and we will follow.

Honest Injun.

                                                           Kevin Smith

PS – You continue the distinguished line of Broward Commission Chicks of Distinction. Broads such as Sylvia Poitier, Kristin Jacobs, and Stacey Ritter deserve to be remembered and honored. The first one would and did steal hot stoves, the second one couldn’t find her ass using both her hands. The third one earns her Florida legislature title, “Cement Head”, every day. You go. Girl!

October 11, 2017

Chad Baruch, Esq.

Johnson Tobey Baruch

3308 Oak Grove Avenue

Dallas, TX 75204

Mr. Baruch,

I was reading your comments about Jerry Jones and the brouhaha over the national anthem, the gist of which was he has the right as an employer to say what his players can say or cannot say. If memory serves the First Amendment begins with “Congress shall make no law…You caution that he should tread lightly in that area lest he cast a chilling effect on them, pajama-clad snowflakes all, that could lead to the treacherous slippery slope from which no traveler ever returns. 

Did you raise your impressive legal cudgels in defense of Lawrence Summers when he said that, on balance, chicks don’t do as well in the non-social sciences, stuff like chemistry and physics, the hard ones, as guys do?

How about the guy at GOOGLE who, based on empirical data, facts and numbers as real as your boot, said essentially the same thing? Then he was fired. Any briefs for him?

One was last seen having his ass welded to the next Pioneer rocket being readied for launch to see if Pluto had a White Christmas. The other was tossed into Gehenna for extended re-hab

I suppose they can fend for themselves. As for you…

Sutor, ne ultra crepidam!

Kevin Smith

October 1, 2017

State Senator Gary Farmer

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 

RE: Today’s lesson in Logic as gleaned from your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Senator Farmer, 

  Fred Grimm has today’s Jeremiad about head injuries from football. If I were you I wouldn’t worry about it until you start burying your own Easter eggs just after you discover new episodes of Seinfeld.

In reading your rants I wonder if Logic can be made retroactive.

You say that Governor Scott has deleted an unknown number of voice mails and e-mails in re the nursing home death from Irma and that it should be investigated.

Would not Logic dictate that the 33,000 e-mails, the ones stored in direct violation of Federal law, on Wide-Bottomed Hillary’s private server, including the correspondence of a convicted paedophile who may have been blackmailed by an unknown foreign  power, should be investigated too?

How about a special prosecutor for her?

“Legislative hearings”, under oath, is a good idea in Tallahassee. It’s even better in Washington, D.C.

Logic oft times bites you on the ass.

Kevin Smith

October 1, 2017

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor

The Sun Sentinel

500 E Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

Ms. O’Hara,

“Is Broward Named for a Racist?”

“Clock is Ticking for Street Names”

As bad and stupid as Political Correctness is, making it retroactive makes it infinitely worse. And of course, Orwell was right when he said controlling the past means you can control the future. [As an aside, modern American Liberals secretly despised him from 1937 on because he said that Stalin was not Peter Pan. Look it up.]

Are there any statues of Jackson – Andy, not Jesse – left standing? If so, get some Cherokees and scalp them.

The Navy named a supply ship after Cesar Chavez, the grape pickers’ champion. Not only did he want to stop all immigration by building a wall, he wanted the army to man it and shoot any braceros emigrating without portfolio. Sink that ship.

Speaking of ships to be sunk, the Navy named 2 nuclear powered warships after John Stennis and Carl Vinson. ere Congressman who spent their entire adult lives trying to keep little White school girls safe from the feral advance safe of little Black boys. Get those ships to Pearl Harbor so the Japs can sink them this December the 7^th. It will partial reparation for August 6^th and August 9^th, 1945.

Justice Hugo Black and Senator Robert Byrd, both Democrats and modern American Liberals, were members of the Ku Klux Klan. Hillary Clinton, AKA “the wide-bottomed whiner”, said that Byrd was her “mentor”. The prescribed punishment, spending a weekend in a Gorilla Glued, duck taped sleeping bag, a bag built for one, with Handsome Billy from Hot Springs as her horizontal tango partner, with them reading from her latest book, still would not grant her absolution.

FDR, by refusing to let the German liner St. Louis dock in America, sent 900 Jews to the gas chamber as surely as if his name were Himmler or Heydrich. If there are any FDR dimes still around they should be confiscated and scrapped.

My father’s father had 2 uncles who were non-coms in the New York 69yh Infantry, the Irish Brigade. They both were in the charge at the Wheat Field on July 2, 1863. One of them is still there, “wrapped in faded coat of Blue”. Every time I drive past Plantaton High School and see the sign saying “Home of the Colonels” I am offended. Scratch that. I am deeply offended.

My children and grandchildren are aware of their legacy, it being the 14 centuries old History of freeing slaves. I tell them to turn their eyes away from the offending sign.

Change Broward County to Willy Horton County

Plantation High School and the city of Plantation will be given neutral names, name s such as Jesse Jackson High or the City of Uncle Remus or Old Black Joe. 

It’s tough being a modern American Liberal when your favorite color is plaid, isn’t it?

Kevin Smith

PS – Sometimes I surprise myself. Did I say “Old Black Joe”? Taking the advice from the Hecate librarian in Cambridge, MA, let me add the music of Stephen Foster to the Dr. Seuss bonfire she’s planning. Do you remember when the Russkies made listening to “Findlandia” a capital offense? The same rule will apply to having a copy of Little Black Sambo. Off with their heads!

October 1, 2017

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor

The Sun Sentinel

500 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: A new right discovered which, alas, does nor rival Keats “when a new planet swims into his ken” but is worthy of comment.

Ms. O’Hara,

“…and should it continue, we could see power

inequality after big storms to come.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today 

You

Discovery of a new right, particularly one that is as important as power equality, is certainly worth a minor te deum.

Who knew that the right to be spared the plague of teenage obesity cum teenage bullying, the right to be free of the heartbreak of psoriasis, the right to be given a baker’s dozen of gluten-free poppy bagels, the right not to be struck by Hillary Clinton’s pendulous ass, will be joined by the right to have underground power lines. 

Bush 43 said that rights are “gifts from beyond the stars”. Despite it being lifted from the Declaration of Independence it so smacked of Natural Law that Senator Feinstein is still pissed off about it and she has decided to treat every Judicial nominee who is Roman Catholic as if they were 3 pounds of dog shit in a 2-pound bag.

Is being an alumnus of The Onion a prerequisite to becoming an editorial writer for the Sun Sentinel? Did they spend a semester at the feet of Mel Brooks? Do they have to memorize chapters of “A Confederacy of Dunces” like Islamic terrorists do with the sacred Koran? [Another digression, but why is the Koran always “sacred” while the bible is just the bible? It’s been around longer than Mo’s ramblings, hasn’t it?]  Are Kramer and Costanza in charge of proof reading?

Wait a minute! Stop the presses!

Humor is verboten in modern American Liberal screeds. Laughter is the worst medicine. It is like a Krebiozen enema to people who believe, believe deeply, in Midnight Basketball, in raising both the minimum wage and taxes as the cure-all for an ailing economy, for people who rooted for Hitler because Stalin, their Lord & Master, said he was an OK guy, for people who if they knew what annuit coeptis meant, would burn all your dollar bills…

Jeezus Haitch Keerist, but you people are about as funny as a rubber crutch.

I am about to be cursed with a near terminal case of enuresis. Perpetual micturition is to be my fate.

Kevin Smith

PS – “California makes customers pay a $1 monthly surcharge to bury power lines, but its funds have run out of money.” How’s that? “Funds have run out of money”? Run that past me again, OK? I know it is not even a feeble attempt at humor because the humor gene is bastinadoed out of the children of modern American Liberals just after they exit Mommy’s cervix but before they get to her lactating teat.

My first Old English Sheepdog, Falstaff, had his own credit card at the Speyer Animal Clinic in the posh upper East side of Manhattan. He was treated there before I took him to the Cornell University School of Veterinary Medicine in Ithaca, New York where he died on the operating table. I say this to show that I am not an animal hater but your news story about taking time off to grieve for a dead Bowser or a run down Tabby or a drowned guppy is beyond parody. Are you suggesting that an employer be obligated to pay a day’s wages to an employee can attend the suttee of the cute little ankle biter? Indeed, the loonies are running the bin, the boobies are now in charge of the hatch and “I’ll retire to Bedlam”.

October 1, 2017

Fred Grimm

The Sun Sentinel

500 E. Broward Blvd. 

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

Mr. Grimm, 

I thought you had retired to the Harriet van Horne Home for Chroniclers of “Another Lash on the Backs of the Poor”. I was wrong.

As to your column on head injuries from football….

Why do people watch bull fights and NASCAR?

Simple. 

Every now and then the bull wins. Read Barnaby Conrad’s “Death in the Afternoon”. His description of Manolete’s wound is more gruesome than anything Homer wrote in the Iliad or Sledge wrote in “With the Old Breed”.

Every now and then somebody does a reprise of #3, The Intimidator, Dale Earnhardt, Sr. Even if it’s technically a tie, the wall wins.

I played and coached football, coaching it better than I played it. 2 of the players I coached earned college scholarships, one to Brown University and the other to Villanova University. Both have enjoyed successful careers in the “dreaded” private sector.

My solution to the head injury pandemic is to remove face masks. That would immediately stop faster than a speeding bullet strong safeties from taking on big tight ends higher than their shins.

What would the NFL do if Dick Butkus or Jack Tatum were to reappear? They would be penalized during the National Anthem. Ditto Joe Greene or Ray Nitschke.

Kevin Smith

PS – Do something about the picture. You look like the “before” half of Moriarty’s Mortuary

ad, the one in the Sunday church bulletin.

September 29, 2017

Liz Phillips Soeiro – Librarian

Cambridge Library

449 Broadway 

Cambridge, MA 02138

RE: An ill-tempered harridan or an ill-mannered hoyden? 

Mrs. Soeiro,

Forget about the Zika virus. It is a mere bagatelle. Forget about teenage obesity or the heartbreak of psoriasis. Forget about Trump Derangement Syndrome.

 The clear and present danger, the threat that will shortly shroud Cambridge, is one that is common to card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals. “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” makes AIDs look like a mild case of acne. It has a condescending hubris that is manifested by pissing on peoples’ backs while telling them it’s rain. Maybe I can get some Ninja-masked ANTIFA thugs to pepper spray you

I went to your web site to get your address when I body slammed by the notice that the library will be closed on October 9^th in honor of Indigenous People’s Day. God’s Holy Trousers but here was no hint of sarcasm, of irony, no suggestion that it was the Onion-lite, no not quite Italianate hand of Mel Brooks or Professor Irwin Corey or the Three Stooges or any Kennedys getting home from a mano-a-mano joust with some single malt whiskys. Just Indigenous People’s Day. 

Speaking of Indigenous Peoples… it takes los cojones grandes to say that. It is akin to dropping a big old turd in Grammy’s punch bowl and hoping no one notices.

But that not why I write. 

Both my children – 2 degrees each with professional licenses in 5 states – were raised free of Doctor Seuss in my home.  I couldn’t control what was fed to them in school but there was no Cat/Hat/GreenEgg claptrap in our house. [They were also forbidden from “Trick or Treating for UNICEF’” rarees but that’s a different story.] 

I don’t dislike Theodore Geisel because he is outdated. I detest him because he was complicit after the fact in the deaths of 8 to 10 million Kulaks in the early ‘30s. By the way, when you say Kulaks you say Jews. For almost 2 years he was an active supporter, indeed a fierce advocate, of Adolph Hitler. Look it up. 

For several years, the Nazi navy tried to sink the ship that my wife’s father served on. From August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941 Geisel obeyed Stalin, his master, and said that Hitler was a good guy. Sure, he had some rough edges but you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs. Besides, he was a big fan of Margaret Sanger and Oliver Wendell Holmes also. A dude with those credentials can’t be all bad, right?

It seems that residents and workers in Cambridge gave no sense of History. The dates mentioned are the beginning and the end of the Nazi/Commie non-aggression pact.

Geisel never apologized for his support of Hitler, a support that was demanded of him by his status as a “useful idiot” in spiritual thralldom to his Communist masters.

If you think he is an outdated 1930s author I dread to know what you think of Eliot, of Auden, of Yeats, and of course, Orwell, with Orwell in particular because modern American Liberals still don’t like him because he was critical of Stalin. Eliot also because he wrote of the palpable presence of evil in man. Such a belief is anathema to the belief system of today’s Democrats and their propagandists at the Boston Globe and the New York Times. The belief is the one that says man is perfectible, particularly with the right combination of good intentions and compassionate public policy. You can look that up also. 

Some good has come from this. 

You are this year’s first double winner of 2 of my most prestigious awards. I hereby name you

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

&

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

No uterine set aside, no menopause “goals”, no glass ceiling chazzerai: you got them the old-fashioned way. You earned them.

Kevin Smith

PS – Since I am a big believer in diversity and multi-culturalism, even though I don’t think Allah is so friggin’ Akbar I believe that only Allah, a paedophile who dabbled in bestiality, can weave a perfect rug. Try to find the intentional error in my letter. You are supposed to be a librarian, aren’t you?

September 29, 2017

Lt. General Jay Silveria

United States Air Force Academy

2304 Cadet Drive

USAFA, CO 80804

RE: “Those words mean exactly what I want them to mean”

General Silveria,

It was Edmund Burke who said “the conflict in any society is always between order and freedom: And yes, I know why Oedipus went to Colonnus so before you consign me to the hell fires of Gehenna in the 10^th or may be the 11^th circle, the ones where the blaze is never banked, the ones with the sign that tells deplorable bitter clingers to abandon all hope ‘cuz there ain’t no round-trip tickets, please tell me if I can buy a copy of Dick Gregory’s autobiography in your book store?

Its title is NIGGER.

I shan’t ask if THE NIGGER OF NARCISSUS, a book written by a Nobel Prize winner is also in your book store? Nor shall I ask if Hamlet, a book riddled with obscene violence and rampant misogyny. [What did Hamlet really mean when he told Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery”? [ Here’s a hint. “Nunnery” is a euphemism for “French Knocking Shoppe”] Is Huckleberry Finn on display or is it under the counter requiring a note from the teacher before a student can get it? How about Shylock?

I rather imagine that the Founders purposely put the First Amendment, the one about speech, first. An old Greek, a wounded veteran to boot, one of the founders of the Ancient and Honorable Order of DWEMs, said “Free men speak with free tongues”. And hate speech is protected speech.

There is a memorable line in “They Died with Their Boots On”. The big boss man at West Point tells a pandering politician, “We don’t concern ourselves with the making of wars here, only the fighting of them”.

“Sutor, ne ultra crepidam”

Kevin Smith