Thursday, March 29, 2012

Kingsley Guy The Sun Sentinel

March 25, 2012
Kingsley Guy
The Sun Sentinel

RE: “It’s Hard to Define a True Conservative” – Some comments on your column today about how Robert Taft, Hadley Arkes, Strom Thurmond, Thomas Sowell, and Nat Hentoff could sup, with regular spoons, at the same table.

Mr. Guy,

Your article shows the political breadth of the American Conservative movement.

Joe the Plumber, Calvin Coolidge, Tom Osborne, and Bobby Jindal could sit at the same table. It’s hard to leave out Disraeli and Thatcher but I will try to keep the discussion on this side of the Atlantic.

It’s usually easy to spot a Conservative.

He is always aware of “the conflict between order and freedom”.

But…

He is the one who smiles when people call Kipling a racist or a sexist.
He is the one who prefers T.S. Eliot to Rod McKuen.
He is the one who knows that the Davis Bacon Act and the minimum wage couldn’t have had a more harmful effect on American Blacks if noted Klan leader Robert Byrd [D-WVA] had written them.
He is the one who knows that after reading Richard Weaver and Alan Tate he will search in vain for a similar wellspring of knowledge from modern American Liberalism.
He is the one who knows that Buckley was both blessed and buttressed by his dear friend Russell Kirk. Kirk on Burke and Eliot has made this country a richer place.
He is the one who having read Charles Reich and John Rawls knows what it is to have eaten a large bowl of whipped cream.
He is the one who knows that Cicero was the noblest Roman of them all.
He is the one who knows why the Greeks in the agora made democracy a four letter word.
He is the one who knows that the last time temperatures spiked upward we got the Renaissance.
He is the one who knows that Dr. J’s first name is Samuel.
He is the one who knew of the Permanent Things before he knew what they were.
He knows that the saying on the back of the dollar bill – He has blessed our undertakings – is true.
He knows that government, any government, can’t give anything to anyone without first taking it from someone else.
He knows he is a legatee of the magical thing called Western Civilization.
He knows that civilizations from the Fertile Crescent, from the Andes, from the steppes of Russia, from anywhere in Africa combined can’t stand in the shadow of his.
He knows that rights are not given to us by a government but are ours from birth. He knows they are ours from “beyond the stars”.
He knows that the road to Auschwitz begins at an abortion clinic.
He knows that he must preserve the estate accumulated for him by DWEMs. Dead White European Males.
He knows that order is preferable to chaos.
He knows that a miracle happened in Philadelphia in 1787.
He knows that an ounce of gold bought a good suit and shoes for James Madison when he was writing in 1787. He knows that it still will do so today.
He knows that an accounting of his stewardship will be required.
He knows that lists like this that do not mention C.S. Lewis, The Federalist Papers, de Tocqueville, Whittaker Chambers, Hayek, Friedman, Jeffrey Hart, Podhoretz, Chesterton, Solzhenitsyn – I’ll run out of ink – is never adequate.
He knows that “Man is a little bit of straw into which God has breathed”.

And he knows that any country that can give us the hula hoop, the Salk vaccine,
Green Stamps, microwaves and the MRI, the Atomic Bomb, the Green Bay Packer Sweep, giant shrimp, the Big Mac, Texas Bar-B-Q, the DC3 and the SR71, Teflon, Revlamid, safety razors, John Basilone, disposable cameras, CB radio, seltzer, The Duke, spandex, Walt Disney, Harley Hogs, Kemmons Wilson, the Dance Theater of Harlem, September 2, 1945, “A Confederacy of Dunces”, the designated hitter, FedEx, apples at Easter, corn dogs, microprocessors, Omaha Beach, the electric can opener, powdered eggs, one big Wall – down, faded jeans, Beanie Babies, SDI, and Ronald Reagan probably does travel under God’s protection.

We survived disco, leisure suits, and Jimmy Carter.

I almost forgot the Moon shot. Fly there. Pick up some souvenirs. Fly back. Another day at the office.

There is one thing that binds all of the above together. Free men did them. When it is nut cutting time Conservatives stand for freedom. A modern American Liberal stands for…stands for…Midnight Basketball, “fairness”, and everything in life ending in a scoreless tie. Their “Fatal Conceit”, one born of an abundance of non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome, is the Sisyphean task of pushing that rock plus carping about why everybody else isn’t smart like me.


Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – The definition of a true Liberal begins with “My favorite color is plaid”.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Alberto M. Carvalho – Superintendent Miami-Dade Public Schools

March 27, 2012

Alberto M. Carvalho – Superintendent
Miami-Dade Public Schools
1450 NE 2nd Avenue
Miami, FL 33132

Miami, Florida

RE: What the Hell were you thinking? – Some comments on your letter to the editor in today’s Miami Herald and is it too late to bring back bastinado?

Superintendent Carvalho,

It is said that during preparations for a battle in the Peninsula War the Duke of Wellington said, after reviewing his troops, “They may not scare the enemy but they terrify me”.

That you are in charge of the nation’s 5th largest school district makes me forget Global Warming, the Taliban, teenage obesity, Iranian nuclear weapons, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and bullying. Fish stink from the head. Your ordure will cause Disney Land to lose bookings this Easter. You raise a stench in the nostrils of honest men that will do away with a generation of sinuses in South Florida

Do you remember the TV show where contestants got to run up and down the aisles of a supermarket? The winner was the one who had the highest value in his cart. Would you believe that I just saw a tape of some of your students from North Miami Beach High School ransacking a Walgreen’s this morning? “Alternative shopping” is what Congresswoman Maxine Walters calls it. She is a shrill lady who gives harridans a bad name. Before she went to Congress she ran a school for wanabee banshees.

Your students were taped at 10:40 AM. They had been released to grieve for Trayvon Martin. The accepted form of grieving for any institution governed by the rules of modern American Liberalsim begins with looting and pillaging. It is too early to know if rape were in this morning’s syllabus. Doubtless, they were motivated by your stirring argumentum ad captandum in today’s Miami Herald.

I hope you won’t think ill of me if I point out that some 3 score feral Black youth from North Miami Beach High School looting a drug store is not the best preparation for the dreaded Florida FCATs.

If you ever get any of the alleged perpetrators back into a classroom rather than a detention center may I suggest a reading of “The Ox-Bow Incident”? Perhaps the really bright ones can have a go at “To Kill a Mockingbird”.

I believe that you are the perfect man for the job. No sense of History, no sense of discipline, and certainly no sense of Justice.

Sense your students have so much free time perhaps you could assign some of them to find out the name of the 6 year old girl – Black – from Chicago who was killed in crossfire between rival gangs – both Black. Do you think she was filled with “hope and promise”?

Maybe you could get your students to run through a church for her. Call ahead to make sure the poor boxes are filled.





Kevin Smith

Sunday, March 25, 2012

March 25, 2012
Gary Stein
The Sun Sentinel

RE: What’s To Be Done? - Some comments on your column about the killing of Trayvon Martin.

Big Stein,

Allow me to use the opposite of one of my favorite Rhetorical devices. Please note the capital R. I used to be astonished when modern American Liberals thought Rhetoric and Sophistry were the same. I know better now. The reason is simple: Sophistry better suits the aims of people who confuse feelings with ideas. After all, why confuse the issue with facts. They can be such damned inconvenient things.

You say that the only reason Trayvon Martin is dead is because “he was born black”. Let us assume that your premise is both valid and truthful

[In my multi-cultural “quilt” I always capitalize Black and White.]

The 20th century’s first successful community organizer asked, in a most unRhetorical manner, “What’s to be done”?

#1 – We can snatch the decidedly nonCaucasian George Zimmerman out of jail and string him up. Maybe it’s time to update both “The Ox-Bow Incident” and “To Kill a Mockingbird”.

#2 – What if he can neither understand the charges against him nor can he assist in his own defense? That didn’t stop the Clintons from wiring up Ricky Ray Rector and frying him anyway.

#3 How about legislation – city, county, state, federal – specifically banning the shooting of 3rd world hoodie wearers?

#3 – We can appreciate in the Holy season of Lent – Islam does not own the word Holy – that there exists a real palpable thing called evil. In 35 centuries of legislation all we have done is define it and punish it. Polio, leprosy, macaw noses, rickets, erectile dysfunction, male pattern baldness, itty bitty little titties, small pox, inter alia, all have been treated successfully by science. Total extinction, as long as it does not run afoul of the Endangered Species Act, is within sight for some of the aforementioned.

#4 – When the radio character in the ‘30s began his broadcast with the chilling words “Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of man?” he spoke better than he knew. When that “low, dishonest decade” ended the number of people killed on a whim was already approaching something so incalculable as to numb the counters. It was just a taste of what was to come.

#5 – If the races were reversed another chorus of outrage would have been mounted.

What motivated the shooter? Was he the product of a broken home? Were his schools properly funded? Was he responding to the siren call of rap music? Did he have slave blood? How about nutrition? Did the CIA flood his neighborhood with drugs? Did racism take away his ability to reason? If only White America had been attentive to his needs this wouldn’t have happened, right? If only we had programs for youth that could have predicted and prevented these things. If only we had built one less carrier. If only the rich had paid their “fair” share of taxes.

#6 -
“After the first death there are no others.”

And what was the name of the 6 year old Black child in Chicago who was shot and killed last weekend? Police have ruled out the possibility of a Lexus filled with White teenagers from Winnetka coming in for a taste of street life, drive by shootings, and all that. The word tragedy is tossed around so much it loses its impact.

They are both going to be dead for a long time.

God rest their souls.

“How sad of all the things that men endure
how few Laws or Kings can cause or cure.”



KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Margaret Carlson Bloomberg New

March 19, 2012
Margaret Carlson
Bloomberg New
1399 New York Avenue
Washington, DC 20005

RE: The GOP chick problem; Here comes the TAX man; Count those votes, maybe twice; Has the Hound picked up your scent?; Finger nails on the blackboard grammar flub – Some comments on your column in Sunday’s Miami Herald

Dear Peg,

First, the stupendously egregious error.

“Then again, none of its basic facts have been challenged…”

In your eagerness to advance your cause you forgot that none is a collective noun. 3rd person singular, present tense the verb always ends with s as in has. Got it?
It’s a small thing, no bigger than a man’s fist on the horizon, but it can be an acid test.

I am glad to see that you landed on your feet after Bloomberg dumped its Opinion section. I thought you went to your favorite seat by the fire in your son Tucker’s home. He is a yhoung man any mother could be proud of.

If you work for about 17 more years you should be able to replace the losses you sustained in your 401K account. Solyndra had many victims. If they could flim-flam the Nobel Prize winning President and his Nobel Prize winning Energy Secretary what chance did you have? Maybe you could get the DC franchise rights for the soon to be successful $50 light bulb. Move over Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald! Here comes Maggie! You could yet make the 1%. As soon as the 99%ers find out they will come and take a group dump on your lawn.

But I digress.

It’s been 11 and ½ years since you said that all overseas deployed GIs were tax cheats. Further, you said that because they were all going to vote for Bush their votes shouldn’t be counted. Maybe Cook County or Hudson County could use them as they have in the past.

It just dawned on me that all the troops you called tax cheats were deployed on Big Bill Clinton’s watch.

Since we are within the octave of Saint Patrick’s Day allow me some leeway as I do a wee bit of stream of consciousness a la James Joyce.

I am reading your column about the HBO movie about Sarah Palin. As soon as the coven of ink stained modern American Liberal winches – [wretches would be accepted as a substitute] found out that she does not worship at the altar of abortion, abortion, abortion, including the rarely performed 5th trimester one, she becomes less than worthless. She became the anti-Gravitas candidate.

[As an aside, I am curious as to how all the public Roman Catholic women square the circle of abortion. Essentially they – you – want to able both to eat your cake and have it. I suggest the successful Martin Luther model. He could not reconcile his beliefs with the Roman Catholic Church. You remember that one, don’t you? Christ said to Peter that “Upon this rock I will build me Church and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it”, that one. Luther had an honesty not found in modern American Liberal women. He started his own church.]

Once Sarah Palin failed that test the cannons of modern American Liberalism were trained on her. It’s a small thing but I bet that she knows that there are 50 states in the Union. Her handy mnemonic device is to look at the American flag. If the number of Stars doesn’t change the number of states is still 50. She knows that if Austrians speak Austrian, that Belgians probably speak Belgian, that the inhabitants of Elba speak Elbanian, that people living in Albany speak Albanian, and that Indians [red dot, not native moose hunters] speak Indian. The damn thing is that she broke the mold of inevitability set by Lord Barack the Beneficent when she discovered that Alaskans don’t speak Alaskan.

John Sparkman [D-AL] was Adlai Stevenson’s first VP candidate. Whatever else he was he was a stone cold racist. He liked “Birth of a Nation” more than “Gone with the Wind”. He always called “them” Nigras. He gave the name of his custom KKK robe tailor to Robert Byrd [D-WVA] Since he could pee standing up I won’t mention him.

Let’s take Geraldine Felini Zuchini.

Other than her lack of a prostate gland and her toes on the line mobbed up husband what particular qualifications did she bring to the table in 1984? If she played Gracie Allen to Mondale’s George Burns it would have been cruel and unusual punishment.

If Mondale – and wasn’t he just a boob? – had been elected he would have put her in charge of “shovel ready” jobs. What with her “family” connection to the building trades it would have been a natural. She would have balanced the budget by putting the squeeze on cement dealers, garbage companies, and the restaurant linen business. It’s true that she wouldn’t know how to dress or cook a moose but her uncle “Big Moose” and his son. “Little Moose” would have been able to help her. Their small loan collection business was so successful that they would have been glad to help her. Speaking of family values, her son was known as “The Druggist”. It was not because he worked at Walgreen’s.

Then we come to Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Like the current First Lady she wrote an interesting senior thesis. Ms. Obama, soon to be known as the Queen of Spandex and the champion of visible panty lines, wrote hers on how hard it was to be a Black woman on a full scholarship to Princeton University. Don’t think me a cad but if she had been a scholarship student at Ms. Fatima’s School for Cliteroidectomied Girls in Kafiristan I would have had a different perspective on it. I might, for the first time, even be proud of her and her country

Hillary Rodham’s senior thesis was on the heroic exploits of the quintessential community activist, Saul Alinsky. Honest. You could look it up.

Her professional career showed that no glass ceiling was going to stop her.

It was just a coincidence that she was hired by the state’s largest law firm after her husband was elected Attorney General.

Call me a cock-eyed optimist but I think it was still just a coincidence that she was made a partner in the state’s largest law firm after husband, Handsome Billy from Hot Springs, was elected Governor

“I am woman, hear me roar” worked for her, didn’t it?

Because of her vast experience and because she sometimes slept with the Governor [“Once a year” was what she supposedly told her “pal” Vince Foster] she was made an outside director of TCBY – The Country’s Best Yogurt. The food police would have put her in the nearest Cuisinart today.

When WALMART came calling she said “I’m your girl”. Her connection with WALMART is glossed over and any pictures of her as Greeter for a Day have been airbrushed out as if she were a Politburo member who came fell on hard times.

At some point she knew that her husband would, and probably did, hump a snake if someone held its head.

The highlight of her time in the White House was when she and Big Bill, King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, came back from church one Easter Sunday. She went upstairs to whet her “Woman as Victim” psyche. The President of the United States went into the Oval Office to get a big girl, knock out her eye teeth hummer from the zoftig intern. And this qualifies her to be what?

What a country! “That’s why”, as Big Mike from Bayonne, the legendary sportsman, noted restaurateur, and now a distinguished public servant, still says, “You never see anybody swimming to Cuba”.

But I digress.

You said on Thanksgiving, 2000 that all American GIs deployed overseas were tax cheats. Further, and the only way to make tax cheating worse was, or so you told us, that the grunts or gruntresses were all going to vote for George Bush. Since you weren’t sure what percentage would have done so your solution was simple: Toss them all out.

We have a bit of a poser in 2012.

Barack Hannibal Obama deployed 35,000 troops to Afghanistan. In the normal troop rotation anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 new GIs were sent to Afghanistan and/or Iraq. Let’s split the difference. There could be as many as 110,000 “extra” votes. Imagine what that could have done in Palm Beach County in 2000. Remember what it did do in West Virginia and Illinois in 1960.

It makes no sense to send them to Blue states. We know that no Red state will ever see them.

How about we channel the ghost of King Daley the First of Chicago into being the gatekeeper? He would hold them in reserve – the votes, not the soldiers - until midnight. He would know which of the Purple states could use a thumb on the scale. Or two. Or a 12 volt battery. Or 2 snow tires and a few bar bells. Or a box of hammers. Or whatever it takes.

That’s it for a while.

Let me remind you that there is still ample time for you to make your Easter Duty. How quaint and discordant that sounds.

And there is that great opening line that you can never quite get out of your head.

“Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error.”




Kevin Smith

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Gary Stein The Sun Sentinel

March 18, 2012
Gary Stein
The Sun Sentinel

RE: “Quaff deeply of the Pierian spring” - Some comments on the abuses inflicted on Logic in your column this day.

Big Stein,

Logic is most certainly the keystone to the Trivium. Thus, it became a spring board that propelled man into something called Western Civilization, but you knew that, didn’t you?

It is also a discipline.

It is not a parabolic curve.

“Because I am a nice guy I will keep this simple.” In your case I’ll type very slowly. Listen up.

Logic is the antidote to fallacious thinking.

Long before there were fuzzy minded modern American Liberals, people who substitute feelings for ideas, it was the antidote to Sophists who specialized in rabble rousing shibboleths to keep the ubermenschen in charge of the untermenschen. Its DNA leads straight to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz who begins each day by saying the best way to make Americans free is to make them less free. That’s as good a reason as I can figure out for why she sent agents of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, men with badges and guns, after me for something I wrote.

Chief among the fallacies is “post hoc propter ergo hoc”. After this because of this is profoundly offensive to Logic. Alas, it is the basis for all legislation proposed by today’s barbarians, the Democratic Party. Gosh, but I sure hope that changes.

Anyway, “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing”. That plus “experience is the only school where some people will learn” should, Logically, cause the light bulb to go on.

Silly me. Logic to a modern American Liberal is like a mongoose to a cobra.



KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Steven Goldstein The Sun-Sentinel

March 18, 2012
Steven Goldstein
The Sun-Sentinel

RE: Too much Saint Patrick’s Day celebration? Some comments on your column in which you nail your theses to the door of the church of modern American Liberalism.

My dear Professor,

Your assignment today is to find out who wrote the following passage.

“He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent
hither swarms of officers, to harass our people,
and eat out their substance.”


Here are some hints.

It was published on July 4th, 1776. The man who wrote it became President of the United States despite having no experience as a community activist.

Also, your comment that you “are against the state’s seizing private property without just compensation” is not only not original it is borderline plagiarism. The only mitigation your defense could prevent is that it wasn’t swiped from a document that no card carrying modern American Liberal ever reads. It’s called the Constitution. It too was written by another future President who, despite a remarkable background, also had no experience as a community organizer. The last 12 words of the 5th Amendment read “nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation”.

A key to understanding any of the various documents in the pantheon of liberty is that they are anathema to the warped thinking processes of modern American Liberals. They all say what government cannot do. Also, they proclaim that certain rights are ours by virtue of birth. These rights are ours “from beyond the stars”. Since no government can grant these rights all they can do is affirm them or deny them. You may wish to become more conversant with something called the Natural Law.

Simple, isn’t it?

You mention a company that profited from “corporate welfare”. It was “enticed to move to Florida for a $750,000 state grant”. The only positive thing that can be said of the transaction is that we did not borrow the money from China. $750,000 is a rounding error compared to the $600,000,000 rat hole called Solyndra. Maybe you can tell me the difference between them.


It was sign of Irish hospitality in my father’s house that there was no such thing as a large whiskey .Maybe, as my father’s father would say, you had a “wee bit too much of the craythur”. Maybe some of the “breath of life” killed the Saul Alinsky brain cells. Maybe your blind devotion to Keynes has come upon its Damascus moment.

Maybe you have come to know that “stones are hard, water is wet”.

Maybe there are leprechauns.

Maybe “a terrible beauty is born”.




KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Dave Hyde The Sun Sentinel

March 18, 2012

Dave Hyde
The Sun Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Don’t make me choose” – Is it possible to commit geographical libel? Some comments that indicate that your column today has done so.

Mr. Hyde,

There is much to be learned from Homer Simpson.

A few years ago, when Jacksonville hosted the Super Bowl, you wrote about the city as if it were an amalgam of Kandahar, Liberty City, and borrowing your newest geographical term, “Hooterville”.

My advice to you then was simple.

Stay home.

Now, faced with the dawn of an era of non-Manning football, you libelously label some potential Peyton landing sites, Missouri, Tennessee, and Arizona, as “Hootervilles”.

I hold no particular brief for Missouri but any state that can give us Harry Truman and Rush Limbaugh can’t be all bad.

It will take decades to wipe clean the stain on Tennessee’s escutcheon caused by it being the home state of Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA Alpha Gump. Only the presence of the champion of trickle down distilling, Jack Daniel’s, lightens the effects of the curse of Goredom.

As to Arizona, it must be pointed out that it was a leader in multicultural, rainbow quilt diversity long before it was the “in” thing to do when it became the only state to name a county after a Native American. Don’t bother Googling it. Cochise County.

By the by, if your picks for “Hootervilles” are correct would Buffalo and Green Bay be the front runners for “Nowhereville”?

Of the 3 awards that I give from time to time you have just now earned 2.

The one that you didn’t win, HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK, would be an insult to your accomplishment. It would be like giving Seal Team 6 the award for perfect attendance.

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH & SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR, the 2 that you did win gave me the same knotted knicker feeling that Homer Simpson, the universal “Everyman”, had when he said “Don’t Make Me Choose”.

The solution was simple.

For suffering from a terminal case of “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, an always fatal infection caused by the dreaded hubris virus and one that is always associated with the ca-ca for brains modern American Liberals who occupy the vipers’ nest that is your editorial aerie, I award both of them to you.

Accordingly, and by the powers vested in me I name you

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

&

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

[Silly me! You may not know what “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” is. If you don’t send a SASE.]

Congratulations.

You got them the old fashioned way.

You earned them!



Kevin Smith

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Leonard Pitts Jr. The Miami Herald

March 11, 2012
Leonard Pitts Jr.
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, FL 33132-1693

RE: Muslim sitcoms, fatwas, stonings, no more pulled pork sandwiches, and why it usually always the White guy’s fault. Some comments on your column on why we should love our burgaed neighbor and not worry about the odd cliteroidectomy.


Mr. Pitts,

I must confess that I never saw All American Muslim. I don’t think I ever saw a complete episode of The Cosby Show. I never liked The Lucille Ball Show. The only thing I liked about Ozzie & Harriet was his sweaters. If faced with the prospect of Leaving it to Beaver I did. Will there ever be another Ralph Kramden?

The only family show I like now is The Simpsons and it took the better part of a decade.

Speaking of the late and lamented All American Muslim…

Did they ever have an episode about the stoning of 60 Emos, Emo being another term for non-heterosexual?

Did they ever have an episode on “Dancing Boys”? No, they are not recruits for Alvin Ailey or Arthur Mitchell. They are animate objects of the sexual pleasure of men who approve of the stoning of Emos.

Did they have an episode on Salman Rushdie and he got used to a life of duck and cover because of something he wrote?

I think I missed the episode that compared the reaction to the first public viewing of Nude Descending a Staircase and some of those really cool cartoons about Mohammed chasing his favorite goat so he could play Pin the Phallus on him.

I know from ancient Logic classes that a universal can never be constructed from a particular regardless of how many of them are smack dab in front of you. Still, don’t you think it a statistical anomaly that all – no exceptions, none – terrorists in the 21st century shouted Allah Akbar before they tried to slaughter their allotted share of innocents?

Was there one featuring a scholar of ancient Muslim History who could explain why ravaging Islamic hordes were halfway across Europe less than 100 years after their religion was started? Maybe he – there ain’t never going to be a need for she, right? – can tell us if Islam became a religion of peace after they got a Texas sized ass whipping at Lepanto or after their siege of Vienna failed.

Why did they outlaw whistling?

What the Hell do they have against balloons?

How about the 2500 year old statues of Buddha they blew up?

How do you think Snooki or Barney Frank would do in Riyadh? She likes bacon and he can’t dance anymore.

I don’t know how many mosques are in this country. I do how many churches are in Yemen. Wazupwidat?

Before those evil White slave traders took their African Blacks to the Americas – more were bought for Brazil than for here – they bought them from evil Black Muslim kidnappers. Was a show on that ever done?

Speaking of slavery there are at least 5 Muslim run countries that still allow slavery. Any shows on that touchy subject?

13 centuries after Christ we had something called The Divine Comedy. It’s been 15 centuries since Muhammad went to the “undiscovered country”. Where is the Islamic version?

If I said I liked Porky Pig cartoons would that make me a bigot?

Would it be culturally insensitive of me to disagree with your saying that advertisers leaving “My Big Fat Muslim Beheading” were not an example of “corporate gutlessness”? If by chance you turned out to be correct what, pray tell, would you call the advertisers leaving Rush Limbaugh?

Do you think that if the President should approve the beheading of the American GI who killed 16 Muslims because he heard they defaced a Bible?

For Lent – Would Sharia law permit Lent? – I am just going to watch the Weather Channel.




Kevin Smith

Gary Stein The Sun-Sentinel

March 11, 2012
Gary Stein
The Sun-Sentinel

RE: “Will no one rid us of this noxious weed?” – Some prose on the pro-smoking side of this great moral dilemma.

Big Stein,

Would not Logic dictate that if cranberries could be banned in 1959, if Alar could no longer be used on apples [Thanks to the brilliant testimony of noted research biologist Meryl Streep], if Phisohex could be made a prescription only drug in 1973, and if America swallowed hook, line, and sinker all the ca-ca claptrap posited by Rachel Carson – a charlatan who made Lysenko look like a good scientist – and banned DDT shouldn’t we just ban the sale and use of all tobacco products? If Red Man and snuff and Kools and El Productos and Prince Albert in a can and Blacky Milds do not constitute a clear and present danger then neither does skinny dipping in the reactor pool at Chernobyl.

When has the nanny state, a state populated by card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals, ever not responded to an alarm bell as loud as this? It’s almost as if there were an ulterior motive in acquiescing in allowing easily identifiable villains to rape and pillage their victims. Many of the victims are single moms who are women of color. Since the matter of 5th trimester abortions is still off the table perhaps we don’t outlaw smoking because it limits the number of lesser breeds among us. Perhaps not.

[I can’t let the DDT mention go without an additional comment. I saw a 3rd World infant die of malaria. The thermometer did no go high enough to measure its temperature. Its stomach was so distended that it was a terrible task to determine its sex. DDT kills the Anopholes mosquito that carries malaria. It has had no other proven deleterious effects. The witch doctors’ wives’ tales about effected raptors make the accounts about Global Cooling – Remember Paul Ehrlich? – Global Warming and now the neutral term Climate Change seem as scientifically sound as Pi. Bad enough we banned it here but we also banned its export. The consequences of pandering to rich White 1st Worlders, goose stepping modern American Liberals all, is that 2,000,000 sub-Saharan Black infants die each year. Do the math. 2,000,000 dead Black babies a year versus maybe, just maybe, some dead killer raptors. As Chamberlain said about the Czechs marked for death “They are a faraway people of whom we know little”. Maybe that’s where Obama got his idea for the soon to be sworn in Death Panels.]

The first great multicultural poet said “A woman’s a woman but a good cigar is a smoke”. For 5 or 6 years, ending in 1985, I would pay $1 each for some cigaros Cubanos. I would buy them at a trunk show, said trunk being owned by a Customs agent stationed at JFK airport. Accompanied by some suitable potables, I and a select group of conspicuous consumers would destroy them one at a time in an environmentally sensitive way. Ah, the days when greed was King!

What caused this outpouring was your snarky reference to lawyers.

My last day with Camels and one of my three Dunhill lighters was October 1, 1989. I smoked one on my way to meet my lawyer. It didn’t taste right. I smoked on in his conference room. It tasted worse. When I turned back to the table after getting a document the lawyer was waving his arms and pointing to his throat. No sound; just arm flapping. He was choking. I Heimlicked him. I saved his life.

#1 – If you hear him yelling he is not choking.
#2 – After you cause him to expel whatever it is that is blocking his air passage, in this case, a chunk of a tuna salad sub, the almost victim is embarrassed.

After I left his office I lighted another cigarette. It was the worst of them all. I tossed it away; I then crumpled the pack and tossed it away. I kept the lighter[s].

I know the last time we tried Prohibition it didn’t work. Haven’t we learned since how to do it better? Look how easy it is to get some documents at the DMV. Doesn’t the Post Office remind you of a Swiss watch? Hell, what with the new people in charge in DC you can actually look forward to a meeting with the IRS. And yes, there is a man in the moon; He is made of bleu cheese. He comes down monthly to the Bermuda Triangle where assorted wing nuts and/or Democrats use Food Stamps to bite him on his pungent ass.

Don’t you think it a bit disingenuous, perhaps even hypocritical, to tax the bejeezus out of tobacco and then rale against it? The fact that Black folk in this country smoke at a higher percentage than any other than any other racial group suggests that a different motive may be in play. Although Black women make up but 6% of the population almost 40% of the abortions performed in this country are done on Black women. The above coupled with the annual culling of 2,000,000 Black children in Africa suggests that Margaret Sanger’s race pronouncements, the ones that were the basis of the Hitler’s 1934 Race Law, may finally be gaining traction.

The other reason I write is because I want to try to clear up an unanswered question from the early glory days of the Clinton administration. It was probably before he began his serious golf cheating and his serial groping. He told us that good people with good intentions focusing on some really good social goals could “Speed the Plow”. Who knows? Maybe the elusive horizon could be reached and wrestled to the ground and the yet undiscovered 99% would be farting through silk.

Alas, the old turd in the punch bowl showed up.

Vince Carter, Big Bill’s lawyer and Hillary’s “special” friend, ate his gun. Bernie Nussbaum, Esq, Carter’s assistant, went to Vince’s office and took out a whole bunch of files. If any of the detectives from “Law & Order” were around he would have been cuffed and read his rights. By the next day he was being called by anonymous White House staffers a “New York lawyer”. In less than a week’s time “New York lawyer” became a verb and then a 4 letter word.

I know if Pat Buchanan had said it the modern American Liberal media would have been Heimlicking each other before their Seal Team 6 kidnapped him and sewed him into a sleeping bag with 6 rutting, rabid wolverines. The shrieks from the network anchors would have had you begging for a large first grade class to sharpen all their fingernails on a blackboard to drown them out.

Here’s my problem.

I am almost positive I Heimlicked a “New York Lawyer”.

Do you think I should keep it on my C.V.?

Get back to me, will you?

And to answer the unasked question, I smoked cigarettes for almost five years after I stopped smoking cigars. I smoked because Hitler didn’t. If I had been alive between August 22, 1939 and June 21, 1941 I would have smoked fags two at a time just to piss off all the modern American Liberals who thought Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy after all.





KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

Friday, March 9, 2012

Anthony W. Orlando The Sun-Sentinel

March 9, 2012

Anthony W. Orlando
The Sun-Sentinel
200 Las Olas Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: It’s even money that it would take you more than 3 times to find your ass using both your hands. Some comments on your column in today’s Sun-Sentinel about how Republicans are responsible for fire ants, “the heartbreak of psoriasis”, and the swarms of les Quebecois that overrun this fair land.

My dear Professor,

It would be easy for me to say that you are dumber than a box of hammers…but I won’t. Who am I to suggest that the trustees of 2 distinguished schools erred in granting you degrees?

Since I have decided that I can’t say that you are dumb I can say with 100% metaphysical certitude – the evidence of my own eyes – that there is just so, so much that you don’t know.

Take vocabulary.

You say that Republican homophobic Global Warming deniers “ramped up drilling exponentially”. My dictionary – that’s the big book with words in it – says that “exponential” is better described in geometric terms than mathematical terms. Thus, if non-Republicans drill 100 wells an exponential increase would begin at 25,000.

That didn’t happen, capice?

Next up is the unknown expert source – in your case it is the International Energy Agency – that emulates Alice in Wonderland. Verdict first, then the trial. Incidentally, your “expert” sounds like it is a wholly owned subsidiary of ACORN and is fully funded by SEIU and George Soros.

It announces – cue the thunderbolt, wake up Zeus – that no matter how much oil is discovered it will never be enough. [A hallmark of those afflicted with the curse of modern American Liberalism is the fervent belief that a quart bottle can hold more than 32 ounces, that the horizon can be reached. I hope that never changes.] Thus, should the Great Lakes become giant pools of industrial strength ethanol available free of charge to all people with a photo ID a shout of racism would be raised.

You mention the amount of oil produced in Oklahoma in 1927 as if it were holy writ. As an impeccably credentialed academic you should be aware of nuance and context. Also, you must mention, but don’t, the effect of price on production. By 1932 oil was .10 cents a barrel. Gas was .01 per MCF [MCF? – SASE]

The Governor of Oklahoma dispatched his state’s National Guard to stop producers from selling oil at that price. He said his children’s grandchildren would thank him.

There were 2 reasons for this drop in price.

#1 – The ginormous East Texas oil field was brought in.
#2 – The country entered the economic wasteland presided over by FDR.

Natural gas, one of the fuels most favored by heads up their asses, tree hugging modern American Liberals was $13.00 per MCF less than 3 years ago. Yesterday it was $2.28 per MCF.

I hate to bring facts to this discussion but the reason for the drop has a name: the Marcellus shale.

Here is are two important lessons in Economics. It may well be your Road to Damascus moment.

Ready? Read it twice.

“WHEN EGGS GO TO $5 A DOZEN THE ROOSTER LAYS”

2 things happen when p a commodity jumps in price.

A – The marginal user stops using it.
B – More importantly, new supplies come to the marketplace.

It’s a tie for what modern American Liberals want to save more. Tibet and Whales each has their own constituencies. Once you get past about a billion Chinese the Dalai Lama is home free.

A strong case can be made that oil, dirty and smelly as it is, saved Jonah.

In 1859 a barrel of whale oil was $6. By 1862 it was .50 cents. The only thing similar to the Shovel Ready Summer of Recovery for those unemployed harpooners was the American Civil War.

Thank Colonel Drake for bringing in the first oil well. Titusville, PA. 1859. Perhaps a discrete cry of USA, USA might be in order.

If he had not done it the only memory we would have of whales would have been from the Old Testament and Melville.

You mention that that we have “the lowest Arctic sea ice volume on record”. Record? What record? If you want to know about the Peloponnesian War read Thucydides. If you are into Cicero – the man, not the city – read Plutarch. If English monarchs catch your eye try Shakespeare. I search in vain for the “ice record”.

If the ice is melting in the arctic where is all the water going?

I have lived on the Intercostal for 10 years. I write this not 30 feet from a docked boat. If I head East and make the first turn to Starboard and the second turn to Port I can go to Portugal. I mention this because the height of the water 30 feet from me has not changed in 10 years. This is not to say that it doesn’t rise and fall. It goes up, my dear Professor, and then it goes down. Then it goes up. Up and down. My more nautically inclined neighbors call it the tides. Somehow the moon is involved. I am going to have to study this some more. Once I get on top of it I’ll let you in on it.

Finally, and this is on a more personal note, check your calendar.

You say that Republicans “are beating the war drums on Iran”.

You’ve been so determined to blame the Black Plague, the War for Jenkins Ear, the slaughter of the Kulaks, TV’s “vast wasteland”, and the explosion of Disco and those God-awful leisure suits on the Republicans, particularly those named Bush and specifically their distant relatives League and Burning, that no one told you that a Democrat was elected President. The Democrats also control the Senate. Honest.

I always ask bird brain Eye-Ties why they don’t like Dante.

About 1150 years ago Earth experienced an upward spike in temperature.

See if you can follow this.

Warmer temperatures means that more land becomes arable. [Did you ever wonder how Greenland got its name?] More arable land means that more protein, doubtless all organic, is available for people. People who eat more protein rich foods get smarter and have smarter children. One of the results of this was the Renaissance.

I know you have a problem with Republicans, including Lincoln. Further, I know that you are “halfway through your journey” but you haven’t yet found yourself “filled with error”. Deo volente that you will. Meantime what is your problem with Dante?




Kevin Smith

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Judge Joseph Farina Miami/Dade Court House

March 8, 2012

Judge Joseph Farina
Miami/Dade Court House
73 West Flagler Street
Miami, FL 33130

RE: Some people are genetically inclined to tell the difference between the buttered side and the dry. Some comments on the story about you, your wife, your fellow judges, and why it doesn’t pass the legendary Nechemie “bag test”.

Judge Farina,

Let’s stipulate to several things, shall we?

#1 – Your wife is a wonderful woman. She loves children. She loves pets. She never chooses plastic. She recycles. Drowning polar bears are a great concern to her. She is concerned about GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChange. The outrage du jour upsets her. She thinks teachers are underpaid. She never mixes stripes and plaids. She could be a modern day Antigone.

#2 – The legendary Nechemie “bag test” is the only test that the quickly disappearing “Everyman” can respond to. It is deceptively simple. If you are not sure of, forgive me, the ethics of a situation – Let’s leave Aristotle out of this, OK? – you put it in a paper bag. You put the bag in a closet for 24 hours. Open the bag and smell it. Your nose should be infallible. Follow it.

#3 – Your wife, you, your fellow Black robed hypocrites, and all the down the food chain apparatchiks who had to sign off on her deal, a deal that is Homerically rancid, are hypocritical bastards worthy of mention in the next edition of Guinness.

Now to the messy details…

Your wife worked for 30 years in the Miami/Dade court system. She got a higher paying job in the Federal court system. Alas, she was 15 months short of getting her monthly “kiss in the mail”. [Kiss in the mail? Thank you, Howie Carr] would be an annual pension of $42,998. She could take a reduced rate or she could wait until she was 62 to receive the full amount. Ask the woman who mops the john at night what she thinks of those options. People like you give the rest of us 1percenters a bad name.

Who says government is heartless? Not you.

Do you remember when Machiavelli said “The wish of the Prince has the force of law”? You, as a ranking member of the Miami/Dade Courthouse Cabal, “asked” the chief bean counter to put the fix in. You got some of your Black robed buddies to give you cover. One hand washes the other, right? You could be setting a precedent for future Judges to follow. What’s the sense of having “juice” unless you use it? In your case there was no cover of altruism. 42 grand a year, every year, is a great way to get ready for the Rose Bowl.

The deal was simple.

Your wife became a full time Federal employee. At the same time she remained a full time employee of the Miami/Dade court system. Salary wise she was on the clock for one hour a day. She retained the benefit package given to all full time employees.

Crikey, but that smells like I am downwind of the Augean stables before they were cleansed. After all those centuries you still get the dry heaves if you walk past them.

I was born and raised in Bayonne, NJ. That’s on the good end of Hudson County. The county jail was known as the Taj Mahal. The Chief of the Hudson County Police was known as Ali Baba. His badged and armed corsairs were known as the 40 Thieves.
No lactating public mammary was left uncovered. I pass this on to you to show that naïveté is not my strong suit. Still, there was a moral clarity there that is not to be found here. Pity.

It is indeed fitting and proper that the movie “Absence of Malice” has a Miami setting. There is a classic scene in it that fits this occasion.

Wilfred Brimley is the grizzled “lifer” from the Justice Department who does the dirty work. He walks into a room filled with ethically compromised people. Conflicting rights fueled by conflicting interests make for superb drama.

The denouement is simple. At the end of the scene Brimley tells his captive audience, “It may not be illegal but, by God, it’s not right”.

Bingo.

It’s not quite the same as abusing your nephew. It may not be felony but, by God, it’s wrong.

What you are saying is that while all people are equal some people are more equal than others.

You should be driven from your court room by men with whips and snarling hounds. If there is a ship nearby you should be keelhauled.

You are a disgrace to your profession.

I forgot to add that your wife sings in the choir and that she cares deeply, very deeply, about those poor folk in Haiti. She took the advice of Mr. Hinnisy, my favorite publican, when he said. “She saw her opportunities and she took’em”.

Since you raised a stench in the nostrils of honest men and since I see a theft of 380 hours of Federal wages I am sending a copy of this to the United States Attorney and the state Prosecutor. Because you are a Judge and your wife is now a highly paid apparatchik in the Federal system it goes far beyond the bounds of “de minimis non curat Lex”.

It know it’s wrong. It may be illegal. Because you judge the quotidian attempts of citizens to make right angles of the parabolic curve that life is you cannot be thought to be doing something shady and underhanded.

Let’s find out.


“Nothing lost save honor”





Kevin Smith

Leonard Pitts, Jr. The Miami Herald

March 7, 2012
Leonard Pitts, Jr.
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, FL 33132-1693

RE: tu quoque [Look it up] and how non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome enables an adult to conclude that 1 + 1 is either 6, 13, or minus 5. Some comments on your column on how Republicans have committed sins that have not yet been discovered.

Mr. Pitts,

TNUC

Hold it up to a mirror. That’s what Bill Maher, note pundit and sage, called Sarah Palin just before he sent $1,000,000 to Lord Barack the Beneficent.

TULS

Ditto [Got to get a plug in for El Rushbo] with the mirror. That’s what Laura Ingraham, a single mom and a cancer survivor, was called.

I am one of those “syncophantic robots” who likes what Rush Limbaugh says. In fact, I’ve liked him since 1988. 1988, you may recall, was the year that Senator Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. told Democratic primary voters in NYC what an evil dude Willie Horton was and how awful Governor Dukakis was for giving him a weekend furlough. Will I be branded with a Scarlet R for saying that? I hope not. That was the same year that Vice Presidential candidate Lloyd Bentsen had to stop charging people $10,000 to have breakfast with him. For 10 grand I would want to take a long look at that chicken.

I may be dumb but I know how many states are in the Union.

I may be dumb but I know that Austrian is an adjective, not a language.

I may be dumb but I know that the down the memory hole forever “Summer of Recovery”, the one that was air-brushed out like an old Politburo picture after Vasily or Viacheslav was sent to Lubyanka Prison to see if they would be the first to survive a large caliber bullet to the face, was not waylaid by either Global Warming deniers, Vlad Cheney, fears of Willie Horton, or the ghost of Ronald Reagan.

I may be dumb but I know that my favorite Pulitzer Prize winners are Walter Duranty and Janice Cook.

As to the subject of apologies, I suggest the example of the kettle and the pot and their respective color [I can say that without being thought to be a proud member of the Ku Klux Klan, Senator Robert Byrd’s [D-WV] favorite after hour cross burning marching society, can’t I?] is apropos.

The dulcet, irenic tones of closet Nazi Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz [What else can you call a public official who sends two police officers, men with badges and guns, to my house because of something I wrote], Congresswoman Maxine Waters, the House docent for stealing hot stoves, and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi whose blood type is B for Botox was used at Camp Gitmo to drive WOG thugs mad before it was found to be forbidden by the 8th Amendment. Looping their speeches together would put an end to the controversy about contraception. The voices of these hasty, snarling, howling harridans would de-lead anybody’s pencil. If you are the catcher on the horizontal tango duo you would need 2 quarts of industrial strength WD-40 cum KY Jelly. The No Smoking in Outer Labia sign would definitely be flashing.

If I were to calls these venomous brujas

STNUC

-Don’t forget your mirror-
would you think ill of me?

The prototypical modern American Liberal apology begins with the unctuous mantra “If I have offended anybody…” Logic would dictate that if no one is offended it falls under the category of “no harm, no foul”. I suggest you spend some of your free time – Surely you must come down from your cross of perpetual outrage if for no other reason than to add more thorns to your crown, right? – to learn the difference between malum prohibitum and malum per se.

Wait a minute!

As a card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberal there is no such thing as “evil”. [OK. OK. An exception must be made for the Koch Brothers and Andrew Breitbart] Whatever “it” is “it” can be cured by improved government programs, said programs fully funded by the richly rotten 1%, and administered by hardened veterans of the immensely successful and greatly missed War on Poverty.

I am shocked, shocked that you think this campaign is over the top nasty. If you had ever read American History you would know that the campaigns of 1800, 1828, and 1876 make this look like a reunion of the Sesame Street regulars.

Even modern American Liberals greatly afflicted by “sycophantic robotism” should be familiar with their country’s campaign roots.

Kevin Smith