Wednesday, July 30, 2014

July 30, 2014
Leonard Pitts, Jr
The Miami Herald
3511 NW 91st Avenue
Miami, FL 33172

RE – “There you go again”, as if you had a choice. Some comments on your column about poverty and the attempts to end it in today’s Miami Herald.

Mr. Pitts,


You say that Charles Murray is “infamous”. Is that because the premises of “Losing Ground” ae false? Is it because his statistics are wrong? Or is it because he attacks, using empirical evidence, that is to say, the evidence of your own eyes, evidence that is as real as your boot, the basic tenets of modern American Liberalism?

50 years into the hugely popular, wildly acclaimed, Titanically successful War on Poverty the needles measuring progress have not only not ticked upwards they have gone down. And, may I add, they have gone down quicker than Cash for Clunker in a sudden squall in this year’s Summer of Recovery.

STOP THE PRESSES!
IT IS A DAMASCENE MOMENT

RESULTS DON’T MATTER TO MODERN AMERICAN LIBERALS

ONLY EXPECTATIONS

Thus, is easy to spend good money on some half-asses, nit-witted Rube Godlberg scheme that – A – doesn’t work and – B – won’t work until the laws governing gravity are repealed and the tides do respond, favorably, to the King’s commands.

As long as you have more dogs than bones there is always going to be a scrape at dinner time.

The solutions to the dog/bone imbalance are simple


A – Decrease the number of dogs
or
B – Increase the number of bones

Anything that nurtures B is good, particularly for poor folk

Anything that deters B is, yet again, “the triumph of hope over experience”. If you don’t believe me look at Detroit. [Forget the crooks. Big cities run by Democrats are filled with people who would steal a hot stove on the way out the door after stealing your eyes for grapes. The real crime here, the infamia, is the perpetual nostrums of scurvy charlatans who say Vote for Me and you will be farting through silk.]

Caesar Chavez, the man who made not eating lettuce a moral imperative, knew that. That was why he wanted to close the borders and severely limit guest workers. He realized that if you cut the supply of migrant farm workers the members of his union would benefit.

Chavez and the Tea Party. Perfect together!

Look it up.

You may have committed a modern American Liberal heresy. I tell you thi s because I don’t want you excommunicated by cabal of warlocks who set policy.

You say that one of the reasons for urban poverty – urban is a euphemism for non-Caucasian, isn’t it? – is “the lack …of transportation”.

Does that mean you are in favor of Homerically sized carbon footprinting with 7 league boots, fossil fuel burning and belching polar bear downing buses? If it does, good for you.




Kevin Smith

PS – Has your daughter found out yet if Wordsworth is still on the Chick Lit shit list?



July 23, 2014

Chairman Mitch Caesar, Esq.
Broward County Democratic Party
1832 N. University Drive
Plantation, FL 33322

RE: Some new clients?

Mr. Caesar,

First let me tell you how much I enjoyed your Uncle Sid. And let me add that if Nero and Caligula tarnished the family escutcheon Augustus, Hadrian, and Marcus Aurelius greatly burnished it.

But I digress.

Last Sunday, in the Sun Sentinel, you said “our beaches [will] move 15 miles west and land in Weston”...

#1 – David Beckham wants to spend $150,000,000 to build a soccer stadium on the waterfront.

#2 – An acre and a quarter of land on Biscayne Bay was purchased for $125,000,000.

#3 – A house on Indian Creek was sold for $28,000,000.

Beckham is a Brit who made a huge packet of dough running around in his underwear for the last 15 years. He’s on his own.

#2 & #3 less so.

It is obvious, it being the consensus of scientists, such consensus being led by Ptolemy, Malthus, and Professor Irwin Corey, that these properties will shortly be uninhabitable – unless you live in a submarine.

This information was obviously withheld from the buyers.

Would #2 & #3 spend all that money if they knew that tarpon would soon be mating in the attic? I think that underwater tennis, an underwater pool, and an underwater dock and helicopter pad will not catch on either.


[I doubt that either the FHA or the VA was involved in these transactions but you should do a title search anyway. Triple damages in Federal Court?]

I suggest you contact them before the esteemed firm of Layback & Whackit starts a TV campaign. Mesothelioma, transvaginal mesh, hip implants, ticket school…and, soon, no more low tide.

With the money that #2 & #3 have already spent there should be no problem finding Mr. Green. It’s a bigger payday than your regular slip and fall or a disability scam. And it could be the start of your personal Endless Summer of Recovery.


Kevin Smith


PS – I know that one of the mantras of mush-brained modern American Liberals is “Think Globally; Act Locally”. Please tell me that you are reducing your carbon foot print by turning off your air conditioners. You have, haven’t you?








Sunday, July 27, 2014

July 27, 2014
Gary Stein
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Little Stein, public servant salaries, the fatally flawed premises of modern American Liberalism, and much more in your unlinkable column in today’s Sun Sentinel

Big Stein,

So Little Stein “is about to start graduate school in the northeast”, is he?

Doubtless, his time in the novitiate of the church of modern American Liberalism, the annealing oven of proper thought and speech – the warden in “Cool Hand Luke” used the unartful term “getting his head straight” – will be time well spent. He will be returned to you knowing, just knowing, that raising taxes is the key to prosperity while diversity is the key to a gentler, more sensitive, more caring society. Who is better equipped to deal with the burnoosed Yoo-haw slicing Koran thumping thugs in the Middle East or the still inconveniently un-Reset Czar in the Kremlin than somebody who hates Walmart, the Koch Brothers and thinks that Midnight Basketball should be run by the VA?

[If memory serves Little Stein was a music major in college. I knew a cellist with the Boston Symphony Orchestra in the 1970s. Absent diversity and Affirmative Action, its Cossack-like enforce, the competition was a fierce as anything I have ever seen, including the New York City ballet. I mention that because nobody, including Bear Bryant, Vince Lombardi, or the United States Marine Corps ran a training camp like he did. It’s not too late for him to consider a career change. Red Bone, Hillary’s commodities broker, is looking for a few good men.]

The pay policies of the Broward county Board of Education, particularly as it regards slugs who, usually multi-degreed slugs with specialties that would make an educated man reach for a cream pie, the better to hit them with, would need both a guide dog and a GPS to find a classroom, reflect a level of lunacy worthy of the Marx Brothers and Mel Brooks.

If I may state the obvious…

#1 - Tenure, at best, rewards mediocrity.
#2 – Why is a bad teacher paid as much as a good teacher?
#3 – Why is a bad teacher paid at all?
#4 – Here’s a revolutionary thought. Teachers, defined as instructors in the class room with students in front of them who may want to learn should be held to same level of competence and performance as the football coach. Go and chew on that.
#5 – What in the name of sanity does a “diversity” expert have to do with the sanctity of pi, with Thermopylae, Salamis, and Platea, with Bach and his love affair with the organ and the cello, with James Madison and George Mason, with Joyce, with Eliot, with Yeats, with the Great Reagan?
#6 – I will vote against the school bond issue - $800,000,000 plus interest for thirty years – because it does not comply with the Truth in Lending law. If a used car salesman used the same terms as the Board of Education will use in its ballot language he would go to jail, you would get the car for free, and if you had a particularly feral lawyer you could wind up owning his lot and his business. [Bond issue? Truth in Lending Act? SASE]
#7 – As an aspiring Board Certified modern American Liberal he will soon be using the term “settled science” to explain why he no longer believes in reasoned discourse or the much maligned scientific method. Ptolemy was King of the Hill of “settled science” for 15 centuries. See if he can find out what happened to him.
#8 – I have a ball cap emblazoned with PROUD GLOBAL WARMER. I can supply him with them at wholesale on a net 30 day settlement basis should he want to be my exclusive New England distributor.
#9 – It’s not too late for him to become a pitchman for Utopia. Nancy Pelosi could always use a good promo dude, right? Maybe he could apprentice with you.






Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET




PS – Tell him that Utopia means, like the horizon, “nowhere”. That’s why it is so easy to become an addled, mush-brained modern American Liberal. Plus, it beats working for a living.






Friday, July 18, 2014

July 18, 2014
Jack Lew – Secretary
Department of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20220

RE: The other shoe, arriving less gracefully than the first.

Mr. Secretary,

“Fairness”, it being the watchword of mush brained modern American Liberals, carries a large weight whenever taxes are mentioned.

By the by, no one yet has been able to give a simple one declarative sentence of “fairness” yet. Defining its opposite, “unfairness”, is no substitute for it.

[There may be a Guinness Book definition when it comes to “unfairness” in taxes. In 1936 Poppa Joe Kennedy created a trust for the benefit of his son, Teddy. Even then he knew that, as the paradigmatic template for mAL layabouts, he would never be able to provide for himself without public assistance and family help. It is listed as the principal asset of his estate. Does anyone know what is in it? It’s been 78 years. Has it ever paid taxes? “The world wonders”]

Alas, the dictum “I won’t tax thee; you don’t tax me. Let’s tax that fellow behind the tree” still applies.

A lot of South Florida is financed by bed taxes. Whatever your tab for a night on the beach is it is always increased by more than 15%. The tax collectors know that if you live in Wynona, MN or Darrmiscotta, ME you have no recourse.

The “fellow behind the tree”, the unknowing traveler, the catcher on the javelin team, is, oft-times to people who make public policy based on feelings and not ideas, a faceless corporation. A big successful faceless corporation becomes like a 3 legged fawn to the big bad wolf.

Robespierre had nothing on the venomously partisan cheerleaders for “fairness” on taxes. They learned well from Goebbels.

Earth to Jack

Corporations don’t pay taxes. Never have; never will.

Taxes are business expenses. As such, they become part of its cost basis. When figuring the price that it will charge for its goods and/or services taxes are figured in just like the rent, salaries, cost of raw material, benefits, interest, and regulatory penalties and fees. Thus, the taxes are paid by the end user. Still following me?
That some of these end users, these customers, might be inner city single moms, usually women of color, with children in need of a good Ritalin program, kids who live too far from “Midnight Basketball” and its socializing effects, particularly on potentially feral Black urban youth, people who are constantly being exploited by the low prices of Walmart, is of no import to people who are incapable of understanding that, indeed, ideas have consequences.

I’ll bet that your Mom used to tell her friends how smart you were when you were growing up. Insha’Allah she is still here to make the same claim. I’ll try to keep this to myself but I’ll take the over on you not being able to find your ass using both hand without a GPS and a Life Coach in 10 minutes in a phone booth.

The United States has the highest corporate tax rate in the known universe and probably out where the regular Pioneer space probes don’t run.

$2,000,000,000,000
I hope that’s enough zeroes.
Two trillion dollars.
That’s what sitting overseas just outside the tax man’s grasp.

We are talking about some serious Benjamins. If you want to get some of it back here don’t tell the big, faceless companies that you will punish them. How about a big dividend to shareholders without tax consequences to the companies? How about a huge ITC for investing repatriated dollars?

Questioning someone’s “economic patriotism” is not the way to make the dog hunt. The greatest beneficiary of unleashed economic self-interest will be the country.

Annuit Coeptis








Kevin Smith
July 17, 2014
Jack Lew- Secretary
The Department of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20220

RE: “Economic Patriotism” – Some comments on your sophistry concerning a new scheme to get yet more blood from an exsanguinated stone

Mr. Secretary,

It would be unfair of me to comment on the efficacy of raising more money for the sinkholes of the IRS, the ATF, the VA, the NSA, the POO, Cash for Clunkers, Tofu and endive smoothies for school lunch, and the horizon-like, not quite here yet, much anticipated Summer of Recovery so I won’t.

I speak rather to the malevolently pernicious assumption that wherever the capital amassed by a free people it is better tended by an anointed elite in Washington, DC. They have one thing in common. They suffer from varying degrees of a common ailment: “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. Like lepers of old they should be made to wear warning bells so the public can give them wide berth.

You testified yesterday, with a straight face, with no sense of sarcasm, irony, or wit, that whatever you earn and wherever it is you should bring it home and let some really smart, caring people figure out what is best for it.

That would be akin to having two lions and one lamb vote on tonight’s dinner menu. Here’s a prediction. While the vote will not be unanimous it will not be good for the lamb.

Quick question[s]

Do you have an accountant prepare your taxes? I am presuming that, unlike your predecessor, you file tax returns. Am I correct in that assumption?

The idea that a free people can dispose of what they have without interference by anyone else is revolutionary. It may lead to the unwanted reappearance of an American exceptionalism so profound that people will kill and die just to get here. We can’t have that, can we? It would be just so unfair. And “fairness” is what the tax code is all about, right?

Accordingly, for suggesting that people, particularly those who respond to the rise in “animal spirits”, who “create” jobs while amassing wealth, should take actions that would lead them to pay more taxes, I name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

Further, by your gravity defying assumption that no one would notice the heinous absurdity your evil plan I name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

You can earn extra credit that may enable you to get off the carte d’merde if you can name the author of the following:

“Over and over again courts have said that there is
nothing sinister in so arranging one’s affairs as to keep
one’s taxes as low as possible. Everyone does so, rich or poor;
and all do right, for nobody owes any public duty to pay more than
the law demands; taxes are enforced exactions, not voluntary contributions.
TO DEMAND MORE IN THE NAME OF MORALS IS MERE CANT.”




Kevin Smith


PS – If you can’t figure out who wrote the above SASE



Wednesday, July 16, 2014

July 14, 2014
Jac VerSteeg
The Sun Sentinel
500 E Broward Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: What’s wrong with those rat bastard Republicans? Maybe they should only have half a vote. Some comments on your unlinkable column of 7/13/14 in the Sun Sentinel.

Mr. VerSteeg,

Utah
Utah?
“Utah!”

It is empirically self-evident that UTAH is a 4 letter word. It is not yet as vile or pernicious as BUSH but it is early in your screed.

Utah has a set of exams that Florida will rent to test its students.

[I have been in Florida since 1996. I am still trying to figure out why the History teacher, the biology teacher, or the diversity and cultural sensitivity teacher isn’t held to the same high, unforgiving standards as the football coach. Speaking of teachers…why is a bad teacher paid as much as a good teacher? For that matter why is a bad teacher paid anything at all?]

“Utah” is filled with gun nuts, birthers, “bitter clingers”, knuckle dragging, homophobic Climate Change denying yokels who knew right from the start that “Midnight Basketball” was just plain dumb. In other words if Utah didn’t exist modern American Liberals would have to invent it lest their slambang, banshee-like caterwaulings have no negative examples to lambaste.

I believe that an overwhelming majority of Utahns know, unlike the boob in the Oval Office – Does that make me a racist? – that there are 50 states in the Union. For those in doubt they need but count the stars in the flag. They also know that while there is an Austrian school of economics, while some Alps are absolutely Austrian and some deserts are very Viennese there is no, contrary to the President’s belief, Austrian-English dictionary.





“…why would anyone want to vote for President Jeb”?

3 reasons:

#1- He is an honorable man of great character and you should know but probably don’t that Madison said “Character is all” and a DWEM said that “Character is destiny”.
#2 - He ain’t Hillary.
#3 - If the country feels a compelling need to have a Redskin in the White House what better way to do it than by electing Jeb Bush? Unlike Smarmy Senator Princess SummerFallWinterWarren, the despicable bastard from Massachusetts, his wife is the real thing. Doubtless, her forebears shook their fists at Cortez. And she will never ever be confused with Katherine Hepburn or Meryl Streep.

Is pi different in Utah? Has the subjunctive reached Salt Lake City? Are Edmund Burke and James Madison verboten in the Beehive State? Would Ophelia find the nunneries in Utah to be different from those in her native land?


Sincerely,

From a proud Global Warmer





Kevin Smith
July 16, 2014
Chan Lowe
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Where’s the rest of it? – Some comments on your minus 1/3rd cartoon panel in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Lowe,

Can we stipulate to the following?

#1 – The first panel shows pissed odd red neck “bitter clinger” blaming Obama for high gasoline prices.
#2 – The second panel shows a reformed red neck “bitter clinger” with an irenic aura about him as he waits for the heralded Summer of Recovery to begin. Although you have him in modified shoulder pads he is happy as he thanks “increased production…more fuel efficient cars…” for lower gas prices. Yet one more reason to thank President B.O. AKA “Dear Leader”, for leading us to the land of milk and honey, right?

But the dog didn’t bark, did he?

The United States says that fraud can be committed by omission of a material fact. Look it up. Section 10b5 of the Securities Act of 1934. Look it up.

#3 – Your missing 3rd panel should have highlighted – inter alia – the 5 year drop in production on Federal leases being more than offset by the increased production, the dramatically increased production, on privately owned leases. The big bobbing, sardonically grinning, turd in the punch bowl is your eclectically indignant amnesia in re fracking.

Perhaps you believe that North Dakota, heretofore famous for one Coen Brothers movie and a slew of ICBMs, became the 2nd largest oil producing state in the nation because of the absence of mean spiritedness and a return to “fairness” brought on by the “fundamental” transformation of this fair land 5 years ago. Alas, that’s not what makes the dog hunt. It is, to cite the great Lord Keynes, the release of “animal spirits” that expands the edges of the envelope labeled “the economy”.

OOPS! I may be on to something.






Addled-brained asses, corralled by the virulently strident anti-intellectualism that is genetically implanted in the warp and woof of modern American Liberalism, oft-times do.

Godot will show up just before lambs volunteer to spend the night with the local lion who believes that, next time, Solyndra will work.

Your penance is to set an example for us by showing your solidarity with all coal haters and those who wish to save drowning polar bears by turning off all, no exceptions, cars included, your air conditioners.

Modern American Liberals in Broward County, people who desperately want to do away with photo IDs for felons and manatees at the voting booth, will rally to your cause.

They will.

Honest.





From A Proud Global Warmer





Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
July 15, 2014

Donna Shalala
The University of Miami
Coral Gables, FL 33124

RE: It’s easy being green – Some comments on your TV announcement of trying to become the greenest university on the planet.

Ms. Shalala,

Alas, I was called away from the Michael Putney show of last Sunday just as you were about to tell the TV audience how the not-so-green U was going to become the positively verdant U. Doubtless, the serendipity would be the undrowning of the polar bears.

I did not hear your exact plan but I know just as sure as I know that modern American Liberals are addled asses, I know the broad outlines. Why do I know that bastard Sons of Solyndra, myriad windmills, eructations – bovine, orvine, and porcine, are vital, indeed essential to it? I do. I just do.

I suggest an alternative plan that can be begun immediately. Some of your athletes, football, baseball, track, tennis, golf, but not basketball are already doing it. They, having taken their cue from you talking the talk, are walking the walk.

They play outside. Plenty of water, hopefully not served in environmentally insensitive plastic bottles, but no air conditioning.

One of the highlights of your career as a cabinet secretary in the administration of Handsome Billy, the King of the Trouser Snakes, was a press conference you had with him. He said that it was very hot in August in Washington. The reason it was hot was because of Global Warming. Worse, Global Warming is caused by, you probably remember, by very hot days in August in Washington. The world gasped. “Great Jehovah, but why hadn’t anyone thought of this before”? [The word tautology was banned in DC long before the book burners turned their sights on Redskins. The POOH – The Perpetually Outraged and Offended Halfwits – were in their glory] You added to the festivities by saying that it was no big deal because we would all be dead from AIDS in 10 years. Please don’t think me a cad but I owe it to the ledger to remind you that you said it 17 years ago.

The following is scientific so I’ll type slowly.

Not quite half the electricity generated in this country comes from coal-powered plants. Half of that power goes to running air conditioners

Can you see where I’m going here?



Be the first Division 1 School to turn to the green side. Once you do it the Gators and the Seminoles [I can still use that name, can’t I?] will gladly join in. You have the power to force the issue.

Beginning in 2015 your athletic teams will only play teams who have turned off their A/Cs.

Within 5 years polar bears will be in Lake Okeechobee.

Your place in the pantheon of environmentally sensitive Goddesses will be secure.

I read this morning that an incoming fresh person, a member of the class of 2018, will pay $63,000 a year to go to your school. Once you turn off all the A/Cs you will be alone in the universe of American universities. RATES WILL COME DOWN! You will be turning away applicants demanding admission.

It is easier being green.

You go girl!



From a Proud Global Warming Denier




Kevin Smith