Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Gary Stein
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Amen, brother! After all these years, finally, something we agree on.

Big Stein,

At long last I know that my Redeemer liveth! We can draw water from the same water from the same well. Maybe it is time to break Florida up. Your column this AM mentions several good reasons for so doing.

Your missing Hillary Clinton is touching.

 I must confess that I miss her too. I wanted Craig Livingstone back as the gatekeeper. He’s the dude that Congressman Tom Lontos told to commit suicide, remember? Sidney Blumenthal, the man that Christopher Hitchens wanted to pummel, would have been a welcome addition. Has anybody heard from Lani Guinier or Ira Magaziner lately? Her brother Slobbo would be a roving free agent in charge of, inter alia, fixing parking tickets, pardons, and stealing hot stoves and the pennies off dead men’s eyes. If Hillary came back there would be a surge of “New York lawyers”, like Bernie Nussbaum. Let me give you a big wink here but we all know what a “New York lawyer” is, don’t we? In my other life I employed quite a few of them. Also, let the record show that if Pat Buchanan used that term the POO – Perpetually Outraged and Offended – would have burned his house down, preferably with him in it, chained to the wall. Who could resist the image of Denise Rich fellating Bill Clinton’s saxophone? Not me. I’m a sucker for love. Nothing personal; strictly business

Do you think HIllary would have put a turnstile on the White House with the proceeds going to the Clinton Foundation or would she have cut out the middle man and just PayPaled the loot into her personal account?

Chelsea, and God wiling she runs for something, anything, just got a life time achievement award from some chick group. Just think how much better it would have been if she got it in the Rose Garden. Bill’s brother Roger, his singing career having failed to gain traction, would be in charge of parking cars. Her Fagin-like father-in-law would have picked pockets. 

Back to new states. 

Cool Florida and Dreadful Florida are obvious. How about Southern North Carolina and Northern South Carolina? New Mexico and Viejo Mexico sounds good to me. Middle Dakota is OK, no? Maryland and Marvinland with the latter getting the crabs. Wait a second. How many is that? 56 by crikey. Close enough to get Yosama Bahama Salama off the hook for his head up his ass knowledge of geography. It was almost as bad as misspelling potato, or was it potatoe? Let’s draw a line in the sand and let the Marine Corpse guard it. Just the thought of Handsome Billy Clinton from Hot Springs, the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, fills me with tumescent anticipation. It is downright priapristic for aging males.

Here’s a question from a perplexed reader. Do you remember the Duke lacrosse rape case? How about the UVA fraternity rape case? They had 2 things in common. The media covered them like the world was going to end next Thursday at noon with women and minorities suffering, as usual, disproportionately. The other thing is that neither happened. They were blood libels that were stinking meaner than cat shit lies. Do you know why the rape in Maryland by 2 illegal aliens – Shove the undocumented dreamers’ label as far up your ass as you can – is going down the modern American Liberal media hole? Stop the presses. “modern American Liberal media”? I think I just answered my question. Maybe Socrates was on to something.

Have you ever seen the sign that says “Welcome to Arkansas, Mississippi is worse”? A mitigating factor that the defense could use is to proclaim that as bad as they seem to be they ain’t Muslim terrorists 

Just one more thing a la Columbo. 

Almost 20 years ago, Matthew Shephard goes to a saloon catering to non-urban finochios looking to hook for “a bit of the gobble” up to and including “rough trade”. Only Jesse Dirkhising suffered more with the difference being that he was kidnapped by feral homosexual predators while Matthew went willingly to the Dark Side. 

A nut case with a semi-automatic weapon shouts Allah Akbar while he shoots and kills 50 people in a cabaret catering to homosexuals. 

We celebrate Tennessee Williams leading the charge against homophobic cops in Key West. We celebrate the Stone Wall riots. We honor Harvey Milk while forgetting the equally murdered George Moscone. If we can get just one more miracle Papa Francisco will canonize him. Wait ‘til you see the stamp he gets!  

Does a Muslim shooter spoil the mAL paradigmatic template that says that hate crime can only be committed by hateful deplorables? 

Get back to me por favor. And light a fire under Little Stein. If Wordsworth is no longer verboten I won’t send copies of “Daffodils” to Middlebury College.

Kevin Smith

Anna Fusco
Broward Teachers’ Union
600 N. University Drive
Tamarac, FL 33321

RE: How can I miss you if you won’t go away? Some comments on your usual confusion about the anus/elbow location in today’s mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Fusco,

Fair warning, you boob.

I am going to use some big words and some big girl ideas. 

Buckle up.

You cite “overemphasis on test scores” as one of the reasons Why Johnny and Fatima still can’t read. Would not Logic dictate that if we do away with all scores self-esteem would increase and test results would soar? Remove all scoreboards, being sure to dispose of same in an environmentally sensitive manner. All games, at all levels begin in a scoreless tie and, more importantly, end in a scoreless tie. Everybody gets a participation trophy 

Wouldn’t this year’s Super Bowl have been just as exciting if the NFL had banned scorekeeping? Silly question. Of course it would have.

The serendipitous benefit here is that it would have a disparate beneficial impact on chicks. The extra burden of winning and losing requires that they have a “safe space”, a space where all the rules governing gravity are, y’know what I’m sayin’, suspended. Maybe in a show of solidarity with their Muslim sisters the ladies on the field hockey team wear burqas, hijabs, fatwas, and hockey masks. I can’t wait for the multi-cultural, diversity conscious guilty First World cabal who run the schools put non-gender specific lavatories into schools with a significant Muslim enrollment. I dare say the next PTA meeting will suggest that crucifixions will enjoy a comeback.

You cite the old African proverb that either it takes a village to raise a child or every village needs an idiot or there are more idiots than villages or some combination of the above. My favorite African proverb involve the interaction of a duplicitous scorpion and a naïve frog. Send a SASE.

You are about to enter the dark world of non-sequiturs. It is the world where sunt leones and terra leones rule. It is an arena where Logic and Rhetoric collide. Who says the Trivium is dead? Send a bib SASE.

The Sun Sentinel, the medium that gives you the weekly platform to proclaim that “Yes, I am a friggin’ moron”, has a Page 3 story about participatory democracy in the Congo. Due to sensible and strictly enforced gun controls, decapitation is enjoying a comeback. The paper tells us that 42 Congolese policemen were beheaded. I guess “Not All Black Lives Matter” is the slogan in the Dark Continent. 

Is there a connection is any of these disparate facts? Of course not! It is the reason why the term “non-sequitur” was honed.  It is the stuff that modern American Liberals thrive on. Plus it is organic and gluten free. It is the one thing that feeds your double-helixed gene, the one that allows you to go years without letting a single thought enter your battered brain.

You end your mini-Jeremiad by hectoring us with the mind numbing mantra “Save our Schools”. You say that the Broward Teachers’ Union is ready to help. “Ready to help”, like the fox volunteering to take attendance in the hen house. The only ting you can do to help education would be to “Exit Stage left, pursued by a bear”.

Once you are on the road, don’t stop until you reach Avernus, the final resting place most favored by teachers.

Kevin Smith

Thursday, March 23, 2017

March 19, 2017

Anna Fusco
Broward Teachers’ Union
600 N. University Drive
Tamarac, FL 33321

RE: If you hear the words “friggin’ moron”, raise your hand. Some comments on your Homerically dumb mini Op-Ed on “sanctuary schools” in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Fusco,

First, you still haven’t corrected the thumb in your eye, turd in the punch bowl, error in re your organization. You say you are President of the Broward Teacher’s Union. I am going to go out on a limb here but I think you have more than one member. Out of respect to the memories of H.M. Fowler and Strunck & White it should be Broward Teachers’ Union. Honest. You could look it up.

How in the name of Socrates, John Henry Newman, and Robert Maynard Hutchins can you call yourself a teacher? I suppose if you take enough education credits the state will call you a teacher. It’s like barber school. The other barbers sit around and pass judgment as to who will be allowed to enter their profession. If that sounds like a combination in restraint of trade it’s because it is.

“uniformed, gun-toting strangers enter your classroom…”

I thought “uniformed, gun-toting strangers” snatched up Elian Gonzalez out of his closet. I don’t remember him being in school.

Pay attention, you boob. An important lesson will soon be taught. Perhaps not learned – In your case figuring out what to do with your thumbs would put you on the honor roll – but certainly well taught

“Thanks to our school board it won’t happen here.”

If that were the case – N.B. [that’s an abbreviation for Nota Bene, a Latin term for Note Well] that I use the subjunctive. Is that still taught in Broward? If the theory that Boards of Education can declare themselves sanctuary anything, Alabama public schools would still be segregated.

George Wallace stood in the door and told the United States government that they could not come in. The Feds said, “Step aside.” Wallace, “smart and no fool”, did.

I would have to stuff my ears with Silly Putty and Gorilla Glue and seal them with Duct Tape to keep my brains from exploding out if I thought you knew who John C. Calhoun and his Theory of Nullification was.
I’ll spare you the joys of discovery.

General Grant settled the science and declared the theory null and void at Appomattox on April 9, 1865. General Lee agreed. Has there been an unannounced change in the terms of settlement and surrender?

I tremble when I think that you have influence over the education of all those mush-brained utes in Broward County. 

Have you ever considered a career change? 

Foot-press operator? Keeping the ice cold at the local Palomino Club? Quality control at a balloon juice refill station? The dreaded private sector?

Anything to get you as far away from any and all schools as possible.

Kevin Smith

PS – Next time we’ll work on Shakespeare and imaginary numbers. Stay awake.

March 17, 2017

Jimmy Cefalo
Miramar, FL 33023

RE: What’s Pat Boone doing these days? Your radio ads for “your guy’s annuities”.


“And it’s guaranteed, just like a CD”. As a matter of fact, it isn’t. The only thing that is guaranteed, “just like a CD” – drum roll, please – is a CD.

The main reason, indeed the only reason, it is not guaranteed “just like a CD” is because CDs have something called the FDIC backstopping them. That means that the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation has a checkbook issued to them by the United States Treasury to use if for any reason the CD issuer defaults on any of its guarantees. In other words, the full faith and credit of the United States guarantees that any check issued by it will be paid in full in a timely manner.

Yesterday afternoon I also heard you say that you would get “10% the first year and 6% every other year”. As of 3:00 PM Thursday the 30-year Treasury bond was yielding 3.13% while the 10-year Treasury note was yielding 2.52%. 10%? How?

I twice called the number of the issuer and got 2 different answers to the question “Who guarantees the guarantor”? It was a combination of heath agency bonds – I am not sure whether it was an individual state or a health care facility - that made up its guarantee base. One thing for certain. It was not the FDIC.

On a “guarantee” basis and on a “yield” basis it does not pass the bag test. If you have forgotten the bag test, I’ll refresh your memory. You put the deal in a bag. Close the bag tightly. Put the bag in a closet for 24 hours Take it out and open it quickly. Stick your nose in. If it reminds you of a locker room after 2-a-days have Haz-Mat take the bag out  to be cleaned and burned. In an environmentally sensitive manner, of course

If you think Ronnie Lott or Jack Tatum were tough wait ‘til you go one on one with a skinny, bespectacled lawyer from the SEC. Talk about wolverines!

Kevin Smith

PS- Pat Boone? He was a pitchman for an investment scheme. The only thing the Feds left him with was a begging bowl. Look it up.

March 18, 2017

Dan Sweeney
The Sun Sentinel
500 E. Broward Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: Headline of the Year even though it’s only March? I smell Pulitzer

Mr. Sweeney,

“Budget Cuts Aimed at Jewish Seniors”
The Sun Sentinel
Page 1

“Headless Body in Topless Bar”
“John Garfield Still Dead”
“Liz Wants Dick”

And, of course, there is always the legendary

“World Ending – Women and Minorities to Suffer Disproportionately”

I didn’t have to read past the headline. It would be like improving a Cole Porter lyric or a Tom Brady comeback/ How about substituting “Aging Christ killers”: next time? Despite his serious Jew son-in-law and his grandson’s briss you can always blame Trump.

Kevin Smith
March 19, 2017

Tom Shea – President
Right Management
1301 E. Broward Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Lack of chicks in Science or Math classes has your knickers in a knot? Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel bemoaning same. Just one more brick on the load thanks to Trump, yes?

Mr. Shea,

“What will it take to bring more of South Florida’s
 girls into science, technology, engineering and math”?

I begin by saying that my daughter has 16 credits of As in chemistry. One of her degrees reflects this.

Can I suggest a quick modern American Liberal solution to not having enough ladies in the lab? It is a most vexing social problem, ranking above “plastic or paper” but below radical Islamic terrorism. Here it is.

No guys in STEM classes.
Watch the chick scores climb.
Problem solved. Case closed.
Can I have some apple pi?

Kevin Smith
March 21, 2017

Zaylore Stout, Esq.
333 Washington Avenue N
Minneapolis, MN 55401

RE: Does Chick-Fil-A use chickens raised by Nazis who are members of the KuKluxKlan?
Weren’t they the ones who said Barney Frank was running a rump poking – boys only – Knocking Shoppe in the basement of the Capitol? The bastards!

Mr. Stout,

Do you think Chick-Fil-A is selling rubber chicken? Do they have super chickens whose steroid and hormone levels enable them to swim through boiling water every day with celery and some bouillon cubes taped to their wings? That’s what gives them their great lo-fat, gluten free, chicken soup. It’s the only meat based product that has the PETA stamp of approval. Why? Because the friggin’ bird lives, you nit-wit. Next year they will have full benefits and a 401K.

“We just wanted to make sure that Chick-Fil-A was put
on notice that we will be monitoring their activities.”

The facts would support the interpretation that the above quote could be construed as corporate stalking.

What if they were to offer a copy of Dick Gregory’s autobiography? Forget the title?
Send me a SASE

One thing is certain. You are a half-assed horse’s ass.

Here’s another group to stalk. Its name screams racial discrimination. Plus, they get a ton of taxpayer money, money that comes from all races. And worse, they get their offices rent free in a large Federal office building in Washington!

I am talking about the Congressional Black Caucus, you buffo ninny.

Kevin Smith

PS – Zaylore? Do you have any relatives named Eeyore?

March 21, 2017

Councilman Zeke Does Cohen
100 N. Holiday Street #400
Baltimore, MD 21202

RE: Does putz mean the same in Baltimore as it does in Florida?

Councilman Cohen,

I just heard you say, inter alia, that the population of Baltimore went from 1,000,000 to 650,000. Wrong, you schmuck! It went to 620,000. [To a modern American Liberal 30,000 non-aborted people is a rounding error. Have you noticed that cities run by modern American Liberals are hemorrhaging people like a reverse Topsy? Not wishing to confuse correlation and causation only a dunce would fail to notice the connection.]

Then I heard you say that students who can’t speak English make the schools they attend better. Would not Logic dictate that First Aid classes would be better if gun-shot victims and myocardial infarction cases were real? Only a really smart person, one who believes deeply that you can give tax cuts to people with no income, could spew such dreck.

No wonder the Colts went over the hill. They knew that somebody like you would be coming along.

Then I heard you say that Federal agents, particularly people charged with enforcing immigration law, people like those who snatched up Elian Gonzales at gunpoint in the middle of the night – Remember? – are like Nazis, particularly the Gestapo. HOW GOD DAMN DARE YOU!

Then you mentioned Willy Horton.

 It is owed to the ledger to note that Willy Boy was imprisoned in Massachusetts for rape and murder. Governor Michael Dukakis, a fervent believer in “There is no such thing as a bad boy”, gave him a week-end furlough. He went to Maryland where he, surprisingly, raped and murdered again. 

 Do you suppose that maybe, just maybe, there are bad boys? [It is anathema for mALs to believe in the existence of evil. All crime is caused by poverty, domestic instability, cruel big business, uncaring governments, and taxes that are far too low. Trump’s presence makes it worse. One good thing Trump has done is to make Bush 43 look good. Go figure.

 It is an observable fact that the world is filled with Screwtapes and Wormwoods. Having ignored them for so, so long you find yourself in “a time of endless peril”. Your solution to the critically ill patient – 50 years in intensive care with no improvement – is double the amount and triple the toxicity of the Kool-Aid in his IV.

For the above, even though it is only March, I name you


And yes, putz means the same up there as it means down here. The same for schmuck.

Kevin Smith

PS – What percentage of the feral youths roaming your city like rabid dogs live in public housing? Do you think there might be a connection? Here’s a solution. Raise the minimum wage. How about $22.50 an hour? That will solve the problem, right?

March 19, 2017

Ron Klein, Esq.
Holland & Knight
1 E. Broward Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Once a boob, always a boob – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on climate change, drowning polar bears, and Redskin disturbing pipelines in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Klein,

“At a time when hurricanes, storms, and other
weather events are even more threatening…”
The Sun Sentinel

IN typical modern American Liberal protocol, the one that allows you to never let facts interfere with your argument, the one that encourages use of the gravity defy8ing machine, you confusingly conflate correlation and causation. In the name of Ned Lud it sure as Hell beats thinking.

#1 – How did Greenland get its name? How did it lose it?
#2 – 10 centuries ago there was an upward spike in temperature in Europe. We wound up with the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante?
#3 -  5 centuries ago there was downward spike in temperatures in the Adriatic. It had a palbable, significant effect on certain trees. Stradivarius used this to his advantage. Do you have a problem with hearing Bach played on one of his instruments?
#3 – What caused the Blizzard of ’88? The Blizzard of ‘47? What caused the Galveston hurricane / The hurricane of ‘25? The hurricane of ’37? Mount St. Helen’s? Take your time, you twit. It’s an open book exam.
#4 – Did your evil twin, doubtless an idiot savant, take the Florida Bar exam for you?
#5 – I have some dates from different centuries. Send a SASE

Kevin Smith

PS – Turn off the A/Cs in your office. All associates, para legals, and staff to use public transportation to and from work. Take a stand; save the whales; maybe even save Tibet.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

March 12, 2017

Senator Gary Farmer, Esq.
111 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel suggesting that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, you had someone else take your Florida Bar exam. 

Senator Farmer,

It may be time to update your photo.

You cavil about the “grievous and unacceptable legislation even though it further buttresses one of the bedrock principles of English speaking jurisprudence. Be seated because based on your public utterances this will come as a big shock to you.

The Presumption of Innocence

Don’t bother looking for it in any court ruled by Sharia law. There will be pig farms in Mecca, such farms being tended to by zoftig farm girls dressed in short shorts before that happens in any court where the dude with the gavel begins the proceeding with the chant Allah Akbar and Death to the Jews.
Something that could be a mitigating factor in re your asinine statements, one that could limit your time in Stupid Dumb Ass prison, could be that in your quest to impress Coach Bowden you played too much football without a helmet.

Read this carefully. I’ll type slowly.

Should I find myself accused of a crime I will stand before the Bar secure in the knowledge that I don’t have to prove myself innocent. The state must prove me guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. I am sure you were aware of that. Once. Maybe. I hope.

I suggest that you amend your will, assuming you have one, to donate your brain to science. Pass blocking without a helmet will leave you addled as you approach your golden years. Just think. You’ll be able to bury your own Easter eggs plus you’ll discover the joy of finding new episodes of the Honeymooners and Seinfeld. What a putz!

Kevin Smith
March 12, 2017

Mayor Frank Ortis
10100 Pines Blvd.
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: “Think globally; act locally” – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel in which you proclaim your fealty and obeisance to Ned Lud.

Mayor Ortis,

You want to “ban fracking in Florida”. [Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I fracked my first well 150 miles south of Houston in January, 1974. Both the Republic and I have survived.]

Here are some inconvenient truths, the ones that make modern American Liberals

#1 – Fracking in America began not quite 3 score and 10 years ago.
#2 – It, plus slant drilling, has opened up incalculable amounts of natural gas at lower and lower prices. The opening of the Keystone pipeline will make this county energy independent by the end of the first Trump administration. The effect on the balance of trade deficit will be astonishing.
#3 – Coal, dirty coal, the bete noire of energy ohmadahns, is no longer the utility’s first choice. Tom Steyer, who made billions and billions of dollars selling dirty coal, coal that could not be used in this country, may need to have a fund raiser for himself.
#4 - Do you have a problem with clean energy produced in America by Americans?
#5 – If you want to undrown those warm and fuzzy polar bears, the only natural predator of those pesky baby seals, the ones who will soon be invading Maine and North Dakota, you have one highly visible local choice. 
After you have done that you may want to ration electricity. Frozen food? Fuhgeddaboudit.

The motto of your next campaign should be VOTE FOR ME ‘CUZ I AM A MORON.

Kevin Smith

PS – I have the inside track on Solyndra solar panels. Call me.
March 12, 2017

Sheriff Scott Israel
2501 W. Broward Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33312

RE: Yet again, the spectre of Trayvon Martin causes modern American Liberals, even those with badges and guns, to soil their permanently knotted knickers. Some comments on your how guilty am I mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Sheriff Israel,

Was Trayvon Martin’s death “senseless and avoidable”? Sure. Could I say “after the first death there are no others”? I could but after hearing you on TV it would be a case of “pearls before swine” so I shan’t.

Lest we forget, there was a trial. 12 men, “good and true”, said the magic words, “Not guilty”.

In February, 2009, President Obama met with 100 Republican Congressmen in the White House. He extended an olive branch by saying that “there was an election; I won You lost. Get over it.”

Good advice then; good advice now.

Never argue with a canceled check.

Kevin Smith
March 12, 2017

Mayor Barbara Sharief
Broward County Commission

RE: Check the attendance sheets – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on Women’s History Month in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mayor Sharief,

You say today in the Sun Sentinel that “many women took a day off to promote bearded clam equality”. Further, you say, :women continue to be paid less than men”.

2 questions:

#1 – Are you paid 79% of what male commissioners are paid? If you are that must really rankle your arse.  
#2 – Did any female employees take the day to join their sisters on the barricades? Did you? Will those who did be paid for their absence?

A few more…

#3 – How is the manatee suffrage referendum coming?
#4 – Is it true that Broward County will subsidize a unicorn ranch?
#5 – Will there be a “sanctuary city” for displaced glutens?
#6 – How is the anti-gravity device, a vital part of the time machine, the one that single moms, usually women of color with special needs children, are working on, coming? Is it on schedule? Are they using environmentally sensitive methods? I don’t want to drown any more polar bears than is necessary.

I love modern American Liberals…jjust like you. You can go days without thinking…just like you.

Kevin Smith

Thursday, March 9, 2017

March 6, 2017

Greg Meyer – “Spokesman”
Fort Lauderdale Airport
2200 SW 45th Street
Dania Beach, FL 33312

RE: “He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers, to harass our people and eat out their substance.”

Mr. Meyer,

“The best use of the parking garage is to generate
the revenue to maintain our low-cost infra-structure…”
The Sun Sentinel
March 5, 2017
Page 20A

Astonishing. Simply astonishing. And on several different levels

#1 – The airport hires smart people to launch and land planes safely. I guess the goals that Affirmative Action suggests compelled it to hire a dumb ass, you, for example, someone like you, to maintain the modern American Bell Curve of really smart v really dumb.
#2 – The customer is profit. Everyone on the other side of the counter, everyone, including you, especially you, is overhead.
#3 – Here’s another light bulb idea. In the dreaded private sector, all successful businesses, regardless of what business they are in, have one huge thing in common. It is like the silver tip grizzly sitting, quietly, in the corner. If you open the envelope you will see “happy customers” as the common denominator. 
#4 – “I will not insult my customers nor will I take advantage of them.” Repeat as many times as necessary.

It raising revenues in ever increasing amounts is your
raison d’etre I suggest that here are several
untapped sources of revenue.

A – If you are being mugged the police will not intervene until you give them $100 towards the purchase of a new bullet proof vest.
B – The firemen stay on the truck until they get $100 for chow for the Dalmatian.
C – Put the taxman on commission. The more money he makes for his bosses the more he makes for himself. An all-around win/win.
D – Make all involved in any construction permitting process partners in the venture. Talk about “shovel ready” jobs getting the high-ball green light. Use the template of the Chinese People’s Liberation Army. Those Gomers sure know how to get that building built. Who says we can’t learn from foreigners, particularly the clever Chinese.
E – Traffic cops can “create” their own express lanes and off-hour reduced tolls for a small emolument.
F – Charge admission and exit fees to and from all government buildings + no change given.
G – Rent a Judge day. Legalize it and tax it, just like marijuana.
I – Have a means test for public transit fares.
J – How about a sale/lease back for the airport. Monetize the asset, you putz.

It seems to me that the qualifications for your job are simple: A double digit IQ, total tone deafness, y dos cojones grandes. Where else can those dumb schmucks go? Besides, “If God didn’t want them shorn he wouldn’t have made them sheep.”

Kevin Smith

PS – I almost forgot. No Milton Friedman or George Orwell books in airport book stores.
March 5, 2017

Senator Gary Farmer, Esq.
111 East Las Olas Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Is 66% the magic number? – Some questions and comments on you mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel about the joys of participatory democracy.

Senator Farmer,

Allah Akbar!

You proudly proclaim that 66% of Florida State students voted to make FSU a “sanctuary campus”. The rule for impeachment and for the ratification of treaties calls for a 2/3rds aye vote. Still it is an impressive number. It is a bit more impressive than the 62% of Florida voters who voted to keep marriage a contract between 2 people, one of whom is male with the other being a female. I feel I must add that they both should be of the same species. Why is 66% great while 62% ain’t so great?

Why not have the people decide the guilt or the innocence, and, most importantly, the punishment of anyone charged with murder? That way the voice of the people will be heard and their will shall be done. Thumbs up. Thumbs down. It worked pretty well in the Coliseum, remember?

Why not take a campus vote on whether or not to mandate open book exams? How about no classes before 10 AM? How about free beer? While they’re voting, how about asking them to decide if the somewhat condescendingly racist “Seminole” nickname should be dropped in favor of ‘Brutalized Aborigines”?

Why not have the people vote on whether or not you get paid? My grandfather always marveled at a little-known poser of nature: Why are there more horses’ asses than horses’ heads? Even factoring in “The Godfather” the numbers should always be equal as in one horse’s head and one horse’s ass per horse There is a beauty in that symmetry.

Each time you utter an astonishingly ohmadahnish statement, one that screams, “I am an asshole”, a big chunk of your paycheck gets whacked. In your case, it won’t take long before you’ll be hitchhiking your sad-sacked, sorry ass on Interstate 75 to Tallahassee – hopefully on the North bound side, you boob – to huddle up with the other dunces in your coven of modern American Liberal legislators

I hope your children are adopted

To paraphrase Mr. Justice Holmes, “1 generation of idiots is enough”.

Kevin Smith

PS – Your C.V. says that you majored in History. Clio is still my Muse. Surely you remember all the warnings from the time of the agora right up to Philadelphia in the summer of 1787 about the pitfalls of democracy. You do, don’t you? Why not have Franklin’s admonition about what kind of government we have tattooed on the inside of your eyelids as a reminder of the consequences of your vote, any vote? I fear that you may not be familiar with Calhoun’s Theory of Nullification. That was the one that was finally proved wrong, with the science being settled at Appomattox, after a vigorous debate preceded by a full and frank discussion of the issues. If you are not familiar with it send a SASE. I’ll type slowly so as not to overwhelm you.
March 8, 2017

Abby Freedman
Broward Board of Education
600 SE 3rd Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: The return of George Wallace and I can’t believe who is welcoming him. Some questions and comments on the ladies of the Broward County Board of Education soiling their knickers in the rush to welcome him.

Dear Abby,

For years, I have been advocating, some might say hectoring, that it is time to hold History teachers to the same high standards imposed on the football coach. My efforts have fallen short.

It is obvious no one among you has ever heard of John C. Calhoun’s Theory of Nullification. I won’t spoil the joys of a Google search for you but, like T.S. Eliot, I will start at the end.

Unlike the buncome in re A/Cs in Florida drowning polar bears, the Theory of Nullification is settled. It is null and void like Ptolemy and Fred Hoyle. After several decades of a full and frank discussion and after a most vigorous debate, indeed the most vigorous debate this country has ever had, the jury decided unanimously that Nullification didn’t work. The verdict was delivered at Appomattox on April 9, 1865. Look it up.

Alas, like Dracula and carping harridans, it won’t stay dead.

George C. Wallace stood, defiantly, in the front door of the school house and said, “The wind and the rain may enter but the King may not.” The King’s man stepped up and handed him a piece of paper and said, “Step aside.” Wallace, “smart and no fool”, stepped aside. Let the record show that standing behind that man were several dozen U.S. Marshalls, men with badges and guns, men who were ready to enforce the law. It seems that you have either forgotten or never learned that when it comes to Florida law v Federal law the Feds have all the high cards and you have to fill an inside straight.

And now the prospect of all Broward schools, by BoE ukase, becoming “sanctuary schools”, is beyond parody. Almost.

You, as Board chair, have drawn the short straw

If it is any comfort to you, as they drag your sorry ass to the Federal pokey, you can think of Socrates, Saint Paul, Thomas More, Nathan Hale, Robert Emmet, Thoreau, Gandhi, Cardinal Mindzsenty, Martin Luther King, Mandel, and Bernardo Olivieros, CSO. They regarded time in the nick as the same as a day at the beach.

You go girl!

Is it true that, even on Chick Day, female teachers in Broward are paid 79% of what male teachers are paid? [How many ladies were absent today? Will they be docked a day’s pay?]
Is it true that Obama was going to sign an executive order on Inauguration day mandating that Mrs. Clinton would be paid as much as he was? No uterine haircut for her, by crikey!.
Is it true that part of the FUBARed school construction bond will be used to retro-fit all the misogynistic urinals with toilet seats?
Is it true that people delivering mail to the Board of Education are now known as person persons? Is it true that when plumbers respond to an emergency on school property they access the pipes by descending through a person hole?
Is it true that all Broward basketball coaches must call it person to person defense? Same in football for pass coverage. Is it true that all Broward coaches of traditional male sports must exhort their teams by saying “Person up”?

Am I the only one to notice that all the members of the 9-member Board have to sit down to pee? Would that survive a close look by the gender equity police? Shouldn’t at least 4 seats be set aside for some guys? The “disparate impact” on girls trans gendering to guys must be enormous. Some of these inbetweeners have 5 o’clock shadows at noon. They need role models.

I’ll be with you, at least in spirit, at the barricades.

Wear old clothes and bring a tooth brush.

Kevin Smith

PS – Do know if any of the female teachers who did not take the day off have any seminars on why clitoridectomies, permitted and encouraged in countries under Sharia law, should be “discouraged” here? How about the stoning of women taken in adultery? It takes two to even do an unsuccessful horizontal tango. Wy not duct tape the guy and toss off the roof. Do any of your art teachers use the Mohammed cartoons as teachable moments? Just asking.

March 5, 2017

Clarence McKee
McKee Communications
11550 Heron Bay Blvd
Coral Springs, FL 33076

RE: Woe is us! What to do? Some comments on your Jeremiad-like mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel about Broward County’s “race problem”.

Mr. McKee,

Your eclectic use of statistics – 8 Black Judges v 82 White Judges, $43,000 Black median income v $74,000 White median income, 9% Black unemployment v 4.4% White unemployment, 54 Black EMTs v 846 White EMTs – leads you to the inexorable conclusion that Broward County has a “race problem”. 

[Please note that I am not mentioning the disproportionate number of Black NBA players. Do you think that a set aside should be created for over-weight, can’t jump White point guards? “Fairness” is all, right?]

In typical, oh so typical modern American Liberal fashion you confusingly conflate causation with correlation. Also, you are a willing victim of a Logical fallacy now 25 centuries old: Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. On the other hand, if it weren’t for tautologies modern American Liberals wouldn’t be able to think at all.

How is it possible that after 8 years of “cooling the earth and calming the seas”  Broward County could have any kind of problem, let alone a “race problem”? Didn’t the Obama reign lead us to the peaceable kingdom of a “post racial society”? Further, Broward County gives Homerically monstrous majorities to every modern American Liberal candidate put up for election. If Dr. Mengele were to appear on the ballot he would be elected by numbers not seen since the glory days of Hudson County, New Jersey Row A bullet voting. [I know because I am from there.] I believe we are but 2 election cycles away from manatee suffrage. Clock a ticket.

Speaking of Dr. Mengele…Since Roe v Wade ca. 3/8ths of the abortions performed in this country have been on women of color. May I ask, why with the exception of the late Nat Hentoff, no public figure has ever used the word genocide when mentioning this? If Black Lives Matter shouldn’t all Black Lives Matter? Who knows how many Obamas or O.J. Simpsons or Ben Carsons or Willy Hortons have gone down the abattoir’s drain?

Could you share your solution to this “problem”?

Raising the minimum wage is a good start. Why be unemployed at $10 an hour when you can be unemployed at $15 an hour? Just think how good inner city youths will feel about themselves when they are unemployed at $22.50 an hour? They’ll all be farting through silk!

Do you think it may be time for a Sherman-like March through the slavery imposed on Black kids by Teachers unions? It worked the first time it was tried. Why not try it again? As President Trump said, “You ain’t got nothing to lose”

Speaking of schools…do you know why the Obama girls didn’t go to any of the really fine public schools in Washington, DC? To Hell with Ivy League acceptances, with the amount of money spent per student per the system should have 3 Rhodes Scholars and 2 Nobel Prize winners a year. Every year.

Is bullying of trans gendering obese teens afflicted with the heartbreak of psoriasis, particularly the ones who live with a single mom just a White problem or does the minority community share the grief caused by it?

Some may say I have too much time on my hands. I prefer to think that if I don’t ask the tough questions no one may.

Get back to me, OK?

Kevin Smith

Monday, February 27, 2017

February 26, 2017

Brittany Waldman
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Thank God for Professor Vivaldi, the not Eye-Tie climatologist who does something about the weather. Some comments about your Page 1 story about the inexorable march of time and tide.

Ms Waldman,

And I used to think that herding cats was tough!

“…Broward County put a financing program in place
 for homeowners who want to tap solar energy.”
Page 1

Solar energy will cause the seas to calm and the earth to cool? Will it also solve the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle? Will the “financing program” be in the expense budget or the capital budget? It’s been 20 years since the God awful Swerdlow airport sale/leaseback deal. It’s been almost 20 years since Broward County tried to give a hotel to a Black man. Thank God he didn’t have the sense to say yes. Perhaps solar power will be used to run the unicorn ranch or the not for profit rainbow stew co-op. If you put them in charge of the beach in 6 months they would be importing sand. 

I doubt they could find their asses using all their hands

Pop quiz:

#1 – If sea levels are rising have water front property prices gone down? If not, why not?
#2 – If sea levels are rising have banks stop making mortgages on water front properties?
#3 – If sea levels are rising why does the United States government still provide insurance coverage for water front properties?
#4 – Truth in lending requires full disclosure of all the costs and risks of the loan>
Shouldn’t Broward County require the borrower to be made aware that his property will soon have snook and manatees gamboling in the garage apartment?

The first time I saw the sea come down my street was when I lived on Darby Lane in Sea Bright, NJ. It actually met up with the Shrewsbury River. That was in 1949.

I had a friend who got his father a job in the Hudson County Courthouse as an elevator operator. There was some confusion when he discouraged the passengers from  pushing the buttons for the floors. He would do that, thank you very much. Thus, when I read of the creation of a “chief climate resilience officer” I recalled the good old days. If you have any juice or any markers could you get me that job? I would earn my pay in the first 15 minutes. For 20 years I have been asking the Sun Sentinel to show us the way, to make us face the inconvenient truth that we are doomed. I have been asking them to turn off all the A/Cs in buildings that they occupy. You will get that warm and fuzzy feeling, particularly in August, the feeling that all modern American Liberals long for, of saving the world in general and, simultaneously, undrowning all those polar bears. The baby seals might have a different take on it but you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, right?

I admire your artful conflation of tautologies, non-sequiturs, shibboleths, and balloon juice blather. Without them mALs would be EEG flat line. It sure beat the pee out of not thinking at all.

It’s time to get ready for Professor Vivaldi’s quarterly weather report. It’s due in a bit more than 3 weeks.

1401 SE 15ht Street #110
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33316


PS – And yes, when I am not wearing my RIGHT-WING CONSPIRATOR ball cap I am wearing my PROUD GLOBAL WARMER one

Saturday, February 25, 2017

February 25, 2017

Kevin Cook – Director of Communications
City Hall
228 S. Massachusetts Avenue
Lakeland, FL 33801

RE: The Leg lamp controversy

Mr. Cook,

“If people are offended by a leg, we really apologize.”

Let the record show that the leg in question is an 8 feet high leg covered in fish net stockings atop which sits a lamp used, presumably and forgive me, to light the way.

I don’t know whether you said the above with a smirk or a whimper. Since you appear to be a mid-level apparatchik my money is on the whimper. In typical modern American Liberal fashion, you seem to be apologizing only if someone bellyaches.

If that is the case stay the Hell out of Florence. That’s the one in Italy, not the one in South Carolina. There is a 10-foot-tall statue of David sitting in the town square. Try as you might you can’t help but notice his pecker and his cojones. HIs male member is in a non-tumescent state but who knows what the wily sculptor, a multi-talented Eye-Tie named Mikey Buonarotti, a true Renaissance man, had in mind.

Al Goldstein, he of Hustler magazine fame, a man who never came to know the baby Jesus, had a huge plastic hand facing the Intracoastal in Pompano Beach. The middle finger was extended skyward. Quien sabe how many were offended by that. 

If a leg can get you to grovel you better keep Duchamp’s “Nude Descending a Staircase” out of town. 

Being somewhat familiar with female anatomy who gets to turn the light on? And where is the switch?

Kevin Smith
February 20, 2017

Commissioner Earl Maucker

Light House Point, FL

Commissioner Maucker,

In yesterday’s Sun Sentinel your mini op-ed you used the term appalling behavior.

A reporter said that Mrs. Trump was a “hooker”. Another one said that Trump was banging his daughter.

I assume that qualifies as appalling behavior.

What do you think is the appropriate response to the above.

President Truman said he would kick a Washington Post reporter in his cojones for a bad review of his daughter’s singing. Should Trump be granted the same spousal/parental rights?
February 20, 2017

Commissioner Tim Ryan
Broward County Commission
115 S. Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

Commissioner Ryan,

In your mini op-ed in Sunday’s Sun Sentinel you discuss Uber and Lyft. Like the Internet they are sore spots for modern American Liberals for the same reason. They burst out into the marketplace – Shades of Zeus’s forehead! – fully grown and fully functioning. And, as such, they escaped the death grip of mindless, soulless bureaucrats.
There is no sense being an elected mAL unless you can de-nut something.

Further, you use the term level the playing field and the word fairness.

Would having a Fugowi grandmother, not quite full blown AIDS, and being a bullying victim with an eating disorder qualify me to have a caring 3rd party, someone well versed in iniquities of a medical, political, and social nature, level the playing field for any ventures I can engage in? Wouldn’t that be fairness writ large?

Speaking of fairness, may I have a one sentence definition of it? May I see the list of standards used to define it? May I ask who defines it?

Quis custodies custodiet is still a good question, right?

Kevin Smith
February 24, 2017

Governor Dannel Malloy
State Capitol
210 Capitol Avenue
Hartford, CT 06106

Governor Malloy

“Diminished capacity” is a good defense when both the law and the facts are against you. If we add your addiction to the upside down, head up your ass, complete suspension of the rules in re gravity that all votaries of modern American Liberalism must pledge undying fealty and obeisance to with the one trait common to all such smarmy bastards – yes, you – share; i.e. “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” you get a pass to the land of Oz, to the land of Nod, that welcomes and nurtures ohmadahns such as you.

The same Logic that enabled the Obama administration to tell you that all urinals in all public schools must now have toilet seats or we will stop sending money to you applies to sanctuary cities.

It is indeed passing strange that while Yale University tries to air brush a la the glory days of the Bukharin era Politburo John C. Calhoun, Class of 1804, down the memory hole without which modern American Liberals would surely go mad you have embraced his Theory of Nullification. It is the theory that says if you don’t like a Federal law you don’t have to obey it. Once the Star Chamber POOs – Perpetually Outraged and Offended – have ruled your one way, non-refundable ticket to the undiscovered country “from which no traveler ever returns” is nailed to your forehead, except whe3n it fits the du jour whine.

You seem to have forgotten that the theory was disproved in 1865. The matter was settled at Appomattox, remember? It was called the American Civil War, you putz.

Kevin Smith

PS – I am beginning a hunger strike to support the election of Congressman Keith Ellison, AKA Ali Baba, as head of the Democratic National Committee, He then must work overtime to guarantee the 2020 Presidential ticket of Senator PrincessSummerFallWinterWarren and closet Nazi Congresschick Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

Monday, February 20, 2017

February 16, 2017

  Res judicata came to pass at Appomattox. The Union was preserved and the slaves were freed thanks to Lincoln who less than a year earlier was called a “baboon” by his 1864 Democratic opponent and his water carrier, the New York Times.

No mention of the Civil War can be made without mentioning and praising the names of Grant, Sherman, and Sheridan. [Permit me to add 2 more to the list that began with Achilles. My father’s father had 2 uncles who fought at Gettysburg with the Irish Brigade.  One of them is still there, “wrapped in his faded coat of Blue”.]

I used a Latin term because, way back when, Latin was mandatory if you wanted to gain an atrium baccalaureate from Yale University. John C. Calhoun was a member of the class of 1804 and, presumptively, familiar with it.

President Kennedy said, “Calhoun was one of the 6 most important Senators in History”.

It was Calhoun who posited the Theory of Nullification. Simply put, hopefully not simplistically, it states that any state can “nullify” any Federal action that its legislature or people find unacceptable for any reason. Can it be a coincidence that Fort Sumter is in Charleston, South Carolina? Why it was left untouched, why it was not leveled like Carthage or Dresden or Nagasaki is beyond me. 

Grant pounded them. Sherman made them “howl”. Sheridan starved them. Thus, was the question of nullification settled. As the Chinese say, “That rice is cooked”, a figurative translation of res judicata.

Enter sanctuary cities.

Modern American Liberals, the ones who swear that a goal is not a quota, the ones who think that shitting on a police car in Manhattan is a good way to promote economic justice, the ones who say that while all speech is free some speech is freer than others, the ones who say that circular reasoning is really a parabolic curve, the ones who think tautologies are divinely [NB the lower case] inspired, know that Federal law covering immigration is unjust. It is also immoral, unenforceable, racist, bigoted, sexist, agoraphobic, and just plain mean. Righteous people have no choice but to disobey the law, just like Calhoun said they could.

A good physician knows that while all drugs can be fatal it is the dose that counts.

If you can break 1 Federal law why can’t you break 2? How about 13? 27? 69?

And then we have a ukase that says if Dirty Willy, the man least likely to be chosen as a tent mate, decides he feels like a lady he can use the ladies’ room.

The NFL tells Texas – Texas! – that there will be no more Super Bowls unless uni-sex Johns become the only option.

Forget about using the National Guard to roundup law breaking illegal aliens [“law breaking”? “illegal”? Did I just repeat myself?] Logic would dictate that all urinals must have toilet seats, right?

So everything old is new again.

Many thanks and much praise must go to Sir Arnold Lunn for 2 things:

#1 – He euchred Goebbels and Hitler in 1935 when only Churchill knew what they were.
#2 – He coined the term “eclectic indignation” without which modern American Liberals would be limited to bed wetting, nose picking, and pants shitting.

If Rosie O’Donnell wakes up one day feeling like Duke Wayne will some Judge force Notre Dame to make her wedgie buster on its special teams?

Kevin Smith

PS – “I am the King’s good servant but God’s first” were the last words Thomas More said before the ax hit him. “You have no choice but to send me to jail” is what Gandhi told the Judge who was reluctant to do so. If you can’t live with a law disobey it and accept the consequences. There is always room for one more hero.
Yale university will rename Calhoun College. Does that mean they want to see Federal laws on immigration enforced more vigorously?

February 19, 2017

Donna Fusco – President
6000 N. University Drive
Tamarac, FL 33321

RE: Some comments on your mini op-ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Fusco,

First, 2 small things, things no bigger than a man’s fist on the horizon, like tiny punch bowl turds, that must be addressed.

#1 – Your by-line lists you as President of the “Broward Teacher’s Union”. I may be going out on a limb here but I think you have more than one member. If so, shouldn’t it be “Broward Teachers” Union”? I know, I know, perhaps the rule of de minimis… should apply. Did you ever notice that the chain used for measuring first downs is ten yards regardless of where the game is played? Not nine yards, two feet, ten inches. Ten yards. Every time. Did I ever tell you about my plan for raising geometry scores and because of the increase maybe adding to self-esteem plus, who knows, maybe decreasing bullying?
For centuries pi has been 3.1416. Change it to 3.0 and watch those scores rocket! The problem of bridges falling down will be dealt with later.

#2 – In typical modern American Liberal fashion you criticize Secretary DeVos for having the temerity to visit a public school. Moreover, it is described as “one of the most outstanding schools in Washington”. Terms like “the world’s tallest midget” or “the world’s smartest bear” leap to mind. I hope I can find the strength to resist using them. If I do I may have to include “the third widest building in Wichita”. Here is where I reveal my smart-ass side. Has that “outstanding school ever had any students named Obama, Clinton, or Gore? Should I mention that they were, all of them, residents of public housing? Doubtless, you know that the Bush girls went to Westlake Public High, an “outstanding” school in Austin, Texas. You knew that, didn’t you?

As a condition of candidacy, don’t you think all – all, with no exceptions – children of elected officials be required to attend public schools?

You say that if Secretary DeVos wants to “learn firsthand what challenges public schools face” she should “chat with the Presidents of the 10 largest teacher unions”. Didn’t the President of the Miami/Dade union go to jail because he couldn’t stop stealing hot stoves? There is honor in being an outright thief. It beats going to jail for playing “hide the salami” with prepubescent – Help me out here – boys, girls, or thannies? Is he pout of jail? Is he back teaching? Maybe in a sanctuary city?

Since ab ovum time with the Department of Education does anyone know how much money has been spent on solving those challenges? 

Let’s start with some empirical data.

How well was Johnny reading then?

How well is Johnny reading know?

Was it worth it?

If it wasn’t, stop spending it.

How about shooting tenure? Name another profession that has it. How about hazard pay for teaching in “inner city” city schools? How about bonuses equal to a year’s pay for extraordinary performance? How about firing every 4th administrator? Put the names in a hat and give every 4th one the chop. How about year-round school? How about holding the English teacher to the same standards as the football coach?

Silly me. I still wonder why baloney rejects the grinder.

Kevin Smith

PS – It’s not too late to tackle the thorny subject of punctuation marks. Do the names Strunck&White ring a bell? Send a SASE.