Monday, June 11, 2018

June 7, 2018 Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz

June 7, 2018

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz
1114 Longworth Office Building
9 Independence Avenue SE
Washington, DC 20515

RE: Funny thing about Logical Constructs. And since you claim to have 2 degrees from a major university the term “Logical Constructs” should not be alien to you. Buckle up, bitch. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Debbie, Debbie,

Did your husband beat you? When did he stop? I saw stories in 2 major outlets, both of which were written by modern American Liberals ink-stained turds - Let me add that both weren’t just run of the mill mALs but rather card carrying, fire breathing, Trump is the anti-Christ jihadists – that said Melania Trump faked an operation to give time for her facial wounds to recover from the beating her husband gave her.

I used the same dialectic that the two supra used. It led to the obvious question about your husband beating you.

Well, did he? And, more importantly, when did he stop? Say what you will about the MacBeths, at least she never got any knuckle sandwiches from him. Can you make the same claim?

Confidential sources, which by their very nature, must remain confidential, tell me there is a picture of you leaving your mikvah carrying Nancy Pelosi’s severed head. The original picture showed Hillary Clinton’s ginormous ass, the ass that inspired Kim Kardashian and boosted, exponentially, sales of industrial strength WD40 for ingress/egress purposes in case of an emergency dump. That picture would have been too heavy for you to carry so it was cropped. 

If Ivanka Trump is a “feckless cunt” what does that make you?

I understand that the Paki IT dude, the Jew hating one, the one you hired to work on the computers of 4 dozen Democratic Congressmen, is about to take a plea.

Does that make you a contemporary zonderkommado? Do your Congressional filings indicate that you learned how to do the above from George Soros? 

We are coming up to the anniversary of you sending 2 policemen, men with badges and guns, to my house over something I wrote.

If you do it again, be quick about it. My most recent cancer operation and follow-up procedures suggest that the time for me to see you in an orange jump suit being frog- marched to the pokey may be shortening. And since mALs share several traits in common, viz; #1 – no sense of humor and #2 – “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”- you would be about as funny as a rubber crutch.

“Free men speak with free tongues”

You go girl!

Kevin Smith

PS- Despite your oft-repeated claim of 2 degrees, and in Political Science no less, I just had a little bird, after an immunity deal, whisper in my ear that Trivium, as honorable a word as ever has existed, is both an alien word and a four-letter word to you. I used a rhetorical device known as tu quoque to make my point. Forgive me if I have condemned you to a difficult summer. I know and you may yet find out that “a little learning is a dangerous thing” And since any Pierian spring you jump into will be way over your head I suggest you exit your dog-eared Dr. Seuss collection cautiously. I did say it was going to be a bumpy ride, didn’t I?

Monday, June 4, 2018

June 3, 2018 Senator Gary Farmer

June 3, 2018

Senator Gary Farmer
111 E. Las Olas Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Numbers don’t lie but liars can count. Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on the sometimes sanctity of the will of the people in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Senator Farmer,
First, let me congratulate you for not shouting out like a half-assed Jeremiah that hurricanes are about to happen because June is here. And since this is usually accompanied by shouts of “Trump did it, the rat bastard”, you are to be doubly congratulated.

But that’s not why I write.

If, as you say in an achingly predictable modern American Liberal fashion, that when the populi vox – 71% in favor of Maryjane [that used to be a street name for marijuana] – that the matter is closed a la ex cathedra, why isn’t the same weight given to the 62% vote against same sex marriage?

71 for versus 62 against…. but that’s not how modern American Liberals think, is it?

Coach Bowden was wrong to let you pass block all those years without a helmet.

Kevin Smith

June 3, 2018 Fred Grimm The Sun Sentinel

June 3, 2018

Fred Grimm 
The Sun Sentinel

RE: One man, one vote, sometimes – A comment or two in passing on your anatomically untenable [your head usually doesn’t belong up your ass] column in today’s Sun Sentinel about the horror, the horror of politicians doing, y’know what I’m saying, political things.

Mr. Grimm,

Any time an ink-stained modern American Liberal wretch uses the words “inarguable” and “existential” in the first few sentences about how rich White guys, living and/or dead – and that’s what it is always and forever about, right? – get to screw the planet and piss upstream from those perpetually “unlucky in life’s lottery”, I know I’m in for a special treat.

One of the great accomplishments of my young life was when I learned how to spell and pronounce the name Ptolemy. 

He was the first paradigm of “settled science”, remember? For 15 centuries, 1,500 years, a friggin’ millennium and a half, the books were closed on where the earth, the moon, the sun, and all those things floating around out there stood in relation to one and another. Then, voila, along comes a Pole and an Eye-Tie and all that science, the stuff that had been “settled” for so long, became “unsettled”.

That this happened for me around the same time that another “settled” scientific fact, the Steady State theory, became “unsettled”.

I see one and only one truly “existential” threat to civilization. It is not feral WOGS, screaming Allah Akbar and killing non-Muslims – they have been doing that for almost 15 centuries – it is, rather, when fargin’ arseholes see and proclaim the threat of bad haircuts, traffic jams, the lack of affordable housing, Johnny and Juanita still not being able to read, and being overserved in a saloon, as an “existential threat”.

You say it is not only wrong but it is “existentially” wrong for Delaware to have the same number of Senators as Florida.

Logic would dictate that as that problem is addressed the nagging question of the electoral college will be dealt with, right?

It is an inconvenient truth that Alcee Hastings, Corinne Brown, Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee and B. Hussein Obama would never have found indoor work with no heavy lifting if rich White guys did not make deals with 3rd world firebrands in precisely the way that Madison, Jay, and Hamilton envisioned.

I may be going too fast for you so I will type more slowly. Plus, you may want to send a SASE.

White farmers whose asses were welded to state senate seats carved out districts that would have elected O.J. Simpson, Step-n-Fetchit, or Willie Horton. Good or bad, that’s what passed for progress a few decades ago, remember?

You say “conservative values trump [italics mine] progressive values embraced by New York and California”.

One of the hallmarks of existentialism is the acceptance of empirical data even if they are inconveniently and unacceptably antithetical to long held beliefs. Sort of like “settled science” becoming unsettled.

Pray tell but why if life is so good in “progressive states” like New York and California - toss in New Jersey and Illinois also - why are people leaving like the Grim Reaper is chasing them? 

The 20th century’s most successful community activist, V.I. Lenin, said “People vote with their feet”.

They sure as Hell ain’t moving to Sweden.

They are going to Texas and Florida. They are going to places where “deplorables” are welcomed and made to feel comfortable.

I can see how this would give you an existential itch. Before you get to Sartre I suggest an investment in Epictetus.

Does gin help you get through the day? I imagine it must be maddening to live where “Midnight Basketball” is an object of scorn, where bullying will soon be legal, and where manatees still can’t vote.

Maybe there is something to this “existential threat” business after all.

Kevin Smith

PS – Lessen the burden of modern American Liberal guilt. Take a peek at George Carlin on You Tube discussing Earth Day. And yes, Philosophy was one of my 3 minors in college.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

May 29, 2018 In the matter of Clapper and Brennan

May 29, 2018

In the matter of Clapper and Brennan…That they are lying sacks of eel shit plus smarmy bastards of the nth degree there can be no doubt. The only time they don’t lie is when they sleep which is a great accomplishment seeing as to how they can’t even lie straight in bed.

Thomas More said it best.

“A man upon oath holds his soul in his hands as if
were water. He opens his fingers at his own peril.”

I feel a particular animus against Brennan. We are both Irish Catholics from Hudson County, New Jersey. We both went to Catholic schools. A rump-swab ass kisser form Obama’s White House said that you shouldn’t piss off John Brennan. I can only bring half of one leg to the ass-kicking contest but I’ll kick his so hard he’ll have to take his socks down to take a crap.

Let us leave them to the quiet ravages of their consciences, assuming Uncle Screwtape hasn’t taken full possession of them.

Let us turn to a closer target.

David “Little Boss” Hogg has chosen to enter the public arena. His unshaven, chinless visage no longer gives him the cover of being a callow youth – soon to be a “man without a chest” – suffering from a plethora of pant load faux outrage, that it would have in a more innocent age.

His name, David Hogg, is always followed by nouns in apposition, “Parkland shooting survivor”, as if this is an invisible cloak of moral authority shielding him from any criticism or, heaven forefend, billingsgate.

If he is so protected – Churchill said, “There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at and missed.” – so am I.

June 3 next will be the 25th anniversary of my last gun fight. June 3, 1993. Essex County Court House. Room 1104. Judge Leonard Ronco. 11:12 AM.


One police officer dead before he hit the ground. One with a quarter-sized hole in his sternum from a .357 magnum There was no exit wound. The bullet went up to his shoulder and settled in his right elbow. I saved his life. And 2 1/2 years later he danced at my daughter’s wedding on December 15, 1995.

I testified at the murder trial of the “alleged perpetrator”. I offered “hearsay evidence” that was allowed because it was deemed to be a “dying declaration”. The defendant was found guilty – New Jersey is not a death penalty state – and he is now eligible for parole. I guess Black Lives do matter.

Anyway, move over you little turd. There’s a new sheriff in town and he has a new policy. No prisoners!

Be further advised that I will accept no criticism predicated on argumentum ad hominem.

If Kathy Griffin, at heart a skank whore who gives skank whores a bad name, can walk around with a severed Trump head I can call this little shit head a little shit head. Res ipso loquitur and thank God for tu quoque.

I do this for several reasons.

#1 – Truth is an absolute defense against libel. David Hogg is a chinless little shit. QED.
#2 – I am looking at a biopsy report that has my name on it. The word malignant appears on it with astonishing regularity, a metronomic monotony. It gives me a high green, balls to the wall, kick over the traces, spit the bit out, “head shot” mentality.
#3 – I have asked Caroline Hanson, the second of my Texas Ladies, and forever known as my “Little Babe, to gather up and hold some of my stuff to share with, God Willing, her grandchildren. She just turned 17. “Bumps”, my inside family name, wants to be as immortal as electronic language permits.

If my grandchildren’s grandchildren can come to “know” me, why not have them know me “warts and all”?

If I don’t fight “for the ashes of my fathers and the temples of my Gods”, who will?

Sunt leones

Kevin Smith

May 27, 2018 Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor The Sun Sentinel

May 27, 2018

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Campaign contributions, the First Amendment, and the oh so typical modern American Liberal high dudgeon enclosed in the essential “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” BOX without which all Sentinel editorial writers would cease to exist because of the burdensome weight of tautologies. And all in one editorial.

Ms. O’Hara,

The immediate solution of Publix giving money to a candidate not of your choosing is simple, direct, and obvious.

Stop going to Publix and start going to – ugh! – Winn Dixie. Even worse, go to Walmart. [A brief digression – Did Walmart become bad when Mrs. Clinton left the Board to pursue a career in real estate and cattle futures or was it bad ab ovum?]

It is my belief, buttressed by Milton Friedman, that the goal of any corporation is to make as much money as they can so they can return it to the stakeholders. They can do with it what they want, it being their money, right? They can give it to candidates they favor or they can buy beach front property despite the daily Jeremiads of wing-nut, “moon bat” eco-boobs, or they can finance the renascence of “Midnight Basketball”, or they can throw it off the Back of a moving train. 

God Bless Tom Steyer, the Koch Brothers, George Soros, and Sheldon Adelson. If want to commit suicide jump off their wallets. Any of them. By hook or be crook they got theirs and since it is theirs they have the right, a gift from beyond the stars, to spend it any way they want

[I’ll bet you didn’t know that Steyer made some of his billions selling dirty coal to the Chinese and Indians. The coal he sold to the “lesser breeds” is coal that could not be burned legally in any state in this union. Then, having made his bundle, he came to know the Baby Jesus of life without plastic and electricity, and how Trump bombed Pearl Harbor, shot Kennedy, and put fix in on the Jets/Colts Super Bowl. And that was before he found out that Trump favors teenage bullying and orders steak well-done.]

How they cam by it is not germane. It’s theirs. How they spend it is their business. The Friedman Rule, cited above, applies to them. If they believe in manatee suffrage, bazookas for teachers, free stuff for everybody, public executions, no wire hangars ever, affirmative action for NAMBLAphiles, Gorilla Glue, duct tape, and 10 penny nails for the lips, mouth, and tongue of David “Little Boss” Hogg.

Lines from the ‘60s still ring true.

Your rights end where my nose begins
You can wear your hair down to the floor.
Just keep it out of my soup.

The 2nd Amendment will work itself out. Why do modern American Liberals hate the First Amendment?

“Free men speak with free tongues”

Kevin Smith

Sunday, May 27, 2018

May 25, 1945
May 25, 2018

“Why us, Sarge? Why us? Because we’re here, lad.
Because we’re here. Just us.”

“Here” in 1879 was Rorke’s Drift Crossing, Natal Province, South Africa.

I’ve been writing about this since 1997. Corporal Leonard Putnam, Unite States Army, was a 41-year-old piano salesman from Jersey City, NJ, who was married to my wife’s great Aunt Millie.

“Here” in 1945 was the Sugar Loaf on Okinawa.

A 4-pound shell from a Japanese type 81 mortar took off his upper right quadrant 73 years ago today. He died quick and he died clean as did my uncle, also a member of the United States Army, on July 2, 1863 at Gettysburg.

“They stand in the unbroken line of patriots who have dared to die
That freedom might live and grow, and increase its blessings”

“They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, not the years condemn,
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.”

Another year; another roll call. Each year it becomes quicker. Each year my task remains the same. As long as I remember them, they will be remembered.

Join with me in raising a cup to  men who, “having seen the elephant”, paid the soldier’s price.

Kevin Smith

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

May 17, 2018 Tom Wolfe

May 17, 2018

Tom Wolfe

“It is the duty of the man of letters to supervise the
culture of the language, to which the rest of culture 
is subordinate, and to warn us when our language is
ceasing to forward the ends proper to man. The
 end of social man is communion in time through love, 
which is beyond time.”
Allen Tate

“There is only the fight to recover what has been lost and 
found and lost again and again: And now under conditions that 
seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss for us.
There is only the trying. The rest is not our business.”
T.S. Eliot

I shan’t try to paint those lilies.

 Wolfe was the watchman on the tower who sounded the tocsin and protected us from the “Trousered Apes” whose only goal was to debase and demean the “permanent things” still to be found. I suggest you start at the end with “The Kingdome of Speech”.

150 years from now when a stranger asks what happened then, Wolfe, “through skill and cunning” will tell us oh so beautifully who is behind the curtain. Like Cromwell commanding the artist to include his warts, Wolfe’s “nose eating weevils” will command the reader to dig deeper, to find the “Right Stuff”.

I just saw “Sully”. It is a movie about Flight 1549 with 155 people in the plane landing in the Hudson River. Any landing where everyone walks away is a “good” landing. 1549 had a “good” landing. But it is a story of a pilot doing what he was trained to do. Pilots get paid to take off and land. Nobody is ever drafted to be a pilot. Pilots are on the edge because they choose to be. They are Ulysses; they are Captain Horatius. Wolfe told us this.

Wolfe moves onto a ledge where Johnson and Twain stand.

And, to make it worse for the “men without chests” that he pilloried, poleaxed, and pissed on he was a man’s man – because of him we can still say that – and a jolly companion as well.

Perhaps the sword had worn out, not from rust, but from use, when he did not put one of his well shod feet squarely up the ass of Secretary Jay Forbes Kerry, the Godalmighty Secretary of State, for bringing James Taylor, who looked like he just got tossed out of rehab yet again, to Paris to celebrate with some perpetually outraged and offended enraged Muslim WOG terrorists who had just killed a bunch of Jews.

Wolfe defines, will define, “unique” 

Kevin Smith  

Monday, May 14, 2018

May 13, 2018 Senator Chuck U. Schumer

May 13, 2018

Senator Chuck U. Schumer
130 South Elmwood Avenue #660
Buffalo, NY 14202

Yo! Chuckie

It’s almost a “Dirty Harry” moment. “Did I fire six shots or only five?”, was what Inspector Callahan asked the wounded bank robber. Excuse me, The “alleged” bank robber.

Did Senator D’Amato call you a “putz” a “schmuck”?

Either way, both ways, he was right.

I watched you, and on the floor of the United States Senate no less, talk about the release of 3 Americans from a North Korean prison – can we stipulate that it is the definition of in durance vile? – as if you were discussing an ill-digested latke. 

Saul, my favorite rabbi, Churchill, Gandhi, King, Mandela had jail time in common. They all got out.

Can we not be thankful for small blessings? Perhaps, at long last, you have no sense of decency left. Look back. The sound you hear is the non-denominational Hound pursuing you to see if you will accept the Divine gift of mercy. Reach out.

Kevin Smith

PS – Is there an antonym for schadenfreude, you smarmy bastard? Do you have any record of what you said when the original Ayotollah broke into the American embassy and kept the Americans in the pokey until the great Reagan busted them out? Whatever happened to “clod populist” Jimmuh Carter? A degree in engineering with a concentration in physics and the dumb SOB couldn’t get 3 helicopters in a row to work in the middle of friggin’ nowhere. His mother was right. She should have stayed a virgin.

May 13, 2018 Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor The Sun Sentinel

May 13, 2018

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor
The Sun Sentinel
500 E Broward Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: Page One today: Two Page One stories about the Parkland shooting and how a septuagenarian – like me - pot smoking, saloon singer put his brand on a hotel and took the big boys to the cleaners. 

Ms O’Hara,

Let me walk back part of the Jimmy Buffett story. He ain’t the bad guy. He got paid up front. He gets a piece of every dollar or euro or bitcoin coming into the joint. It’s OK by him if there never is a net. He’s “on the bus, ring the bell”. In fact, it usually benefits the insiders, the City Hall or the Courthouse crowd if it’s neck and neck whether a 5th gospel or a nebulous net gets to the finish line firsr

  There is a direct connection between the 3 stories. Once again, Ockham has the answer. The simple solution is the correct one.

Republicans lack the wit but not the desire to play in the game. It’s just that they’re not very good at it. 

Remember that I am from Hudson County and my wife had family living in Cook County. You remember Cook County, don’t you? That’s where Mayor Daley shouted “Fuck you” at Senator Ribicoff at the Democratic Convention in 1968 and where noted street hustler Barack Obama learned that you never bring a knife to a gun fight.

The Broward School system – tell me once more that it’s the 4th or 5th biggest in the country and I’ll reach for the barf bag – and the Hollywood cabal are one party states.
I am loath to say there is inbreeding but they can look through a keyhole with both eyes. 

The thought that politics is not double-helixed into the warp and woof of the Broward County school system is absurd. Next, you’ll piss on my back and tell me it’s rain.

Broward Superintendent Runcie does a first-rate imitation of last year’s liar du jour, James Clapper, AKA, “Ananias”. Nobody says “Jack Robinson” because of one so obvious reason. The dude be Black. With the exception of O.J. and Mel Reynolds, and maybe Willie Horton, American Blacks are exempt from even the normal criticism of public officials because the White critics don’t want to be called racists. The new scarlet letter is “R”. [Even Mamu, the convicted black dude who killed the White Philly cop. is poised to make a comeback. I would like to add Ricky Ray Rector to the list but the Clintons killed him to prove that modern American Liberals could be tough on crime, even if the “alleged perpetrator” was Black. I can neither confirm nor deny that Wide-Bottomed Hillary was prepared to give him a lap dance to keep him quiet when he was strapped into Old Sparky. 

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

May 8, 2018 Mayor Dean Trantalis

May 8, 2018

Mayor Dean Trantalis
City Hall
100 North Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

Mr. Mayor,

I am a disabled, cancer-ridden senior citizen who voted for you for Mayor. My reason was simple: Ft. Lauderdale and Broward County are ground zero for modern American Liberalism. I asked myself why have a half-assed modern American Liberal when you can have the real thing; that is to say, a full blown, card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberal who comes with the serendipitous bonus of being familiar with balance sheets. Ergo, I voted for you.

Let me digress.

The only vote – so far – I have ever regretted casting was my first vote in1964. I voted for Lyndon Johnson because my betters convinced me that if Goldwater had been elected we would have had more than 2,000,000 men in Vietnam followed shortly thereafter by race riots and decades of racial tensions and animus. [Wasn’t Obama supposed to stop that? Whatever.] Whodathunk what happened coulda happened?

I went to the main library today for the first time since 2012.

Have you ever read “Camp of the Saints” by Jean Respail? Interesting book. I read it in 1973. Funny how novels tell the truth.

I saw at least 100 pitched tents, none of which qualified as Boy Scout pup variety. There may have been uni-sex pissoirs and portable shvitzes but I didn’t see them.

I am not sure if 3 distinct ordures could fit etymologically into the envelope marked  cacophony. Maybe plethora or myriad should be forced back into service. Either way, it sure as Gehenna stunk.

The entrance I used 6 years ago was locked. To get to the next one would have required me to run a gauntlet that I was prepared neither physically nor mentally to do.

As a septuagenarian White male who was born and raised in Bayonne, NJ, who boxed in the Golden Gloves, who was a bouncer,  who worked in Manhattan – NY, not Kansas – for 20 years, and whose last gun fight was June 3,1993, I have a gimlet eye and a 6th sense for “sticky” situations. The feral teenagers were gathering for what I thought was a shakedown leading to a possible mugging. I did not let this happen.

There was a police car parked across the street, running but empty. So much for reducing our collective municipal carbon foot print!

My library goal today was to get some non-Google tactile info on a variety of White Privilege diseases. Alas, it was not to be. I grew up in the Carnegie-built library in Bayonne, NJ. My parents were quite comfortable with me walking to and from there and spending hours there. That simply would not be the case here.  

Edmund Burke, one of my favorite Irishmen, said the conflict in any society is always between order and freedom.

Your call.

Kevin Smith

PS - Did I mention my failing kidney,  my bi-lateral pre-glaucoma, my 4 dry strokes, and my 3 titanium joints? Also, if you are not renewing the Gun Show lease would not Logic dictate that the Air & Sea show should be disinvited also? Ships with big guns. Some years submarines with nuclear armed missiles. Military jets that break things and kill people. Don’t we owe it to the Parkland-Douglas victims and survivors to just say no to things bellicose? As long as there are more dogs than bones when the bell sounds there will always be a scrape at dinner time. We have to start somewhere and sometime to undo, remake, and transform human nature. As a modern American Liberal that’s what it’s all about, right? Why not here? Why not now?

May 8, 2018 Commissioner Dan Daley

 May 8, 2018

Commissioner Dan Daley
City Hall
9500 West Sample Road
Coral Springs, FL 33065

Commissioner Daley,

I saw you on Frank Loconto’s informative “County Line” show Sunday last.

I heard you say some truly egregious things.

I am going to flaunt my elitist, private school education, one descended from DWEMs, one that reeks of the most current bete-noire, overbearing White Privilege [as if there could be any other kind] and risk having some long-dead teachers do a series of 360s in their graves, by creating a universal from a particular.

“Voter Fatigue” & its evil twin, “Voter Apathy”

I am going to go out on a limb here but I think you are a modern American Liberal, even if you are still in the boot-camp stage. I know that you are shocked, shocked at possible White House/Russian collusion but if the colluder were to be named Walter Duranty or Alger Hiss you would silently applaud. And thank G-d for Google!

As soon as you contain and cure “voter fatigue” and, worse, “voter apathy”, you can get on to the vexing problem of teenage bullying. [Has anyone found out who bullied Nicky Cruz, the Parkland/Douglas shooter?]

Then you can get on to the equally vexatious problem of trans-gendered, de-gendered, non-gendered, and un-gendered loos.  A good first step would be to ban urinals as a nudge towards non-judgmental pissing. If the need arises you can always forbid stand-up bladder evacuation.

Maybe you can get Coral Springs to fully fund and mandate attendance and participation at a renascent round of “Midnight Basketball”.

Pop quiz: What color is an orange, you putz? Here is the tie-breaker. Find your ass using both hands. The early Vegas line says you can’t do it.

Deplorably yours,

Kevin Smith

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Happy Cinco de Mayo, sports fans!

May 5, 2018

Happy Cinco de Mayo, sports fans!

Just like St. Patrick’s Day is a commercial plot to get pseudo-Irishmen to drink more beer – as a bona fide, all the way back on both sides of the family, back to when vipers still slithered through the peat – Irishman, I can assure you that the calendar does not rule the drinking habits of true Irishmen. Cinco de Mayo is a commercial plot to get wannabee braceros, campesinos, ladrones, y refugios to drink more Margaritas. Caveat. The only decent way to drink those things is after you’ve had 6 pints of Harp and a few bumpers of Tullamore Dew. After that Drano would taste good. You can contemplate the glories of the Alamo while forgetting the lessons taught at San Jacinto. Those lessons had to be retaught 9 years later. And how about posthumously court-martialing Santa Anna?

Cinco de Mayo celebrates the first time a Brown army beat a White army. The problem with that is that the White guys the Brown guys beat were French. A quick study will show that the last time the French won a war, not a battle, was when Up Chuck Martel put a Texas-sized ass whupping on that century’s version of radical Islamic terrorists. The place was Tours; the year was 732 AD. Does anyone else see a pattern developing here?

Now if General Cantinflas or El Rey Mysterio had bested the Germans or the Brits you could put las bebidas on my slate.

But that’s not why I write.

Does anyone else remember Bruce Babbit?

If you closed your eyes when he was on TV you thought you were listening to Richard Nixon. Nixon, for the benefit of younger readers, was the man who stopped the draft, put COLAs into Social Security, gave us the EPA, banned DDT, put Blackmun on the Supreme Court to allow abortion, bombed the bejeezus out of Hanoi at Christmas, 1972 that brought the POWs home, and went to China. That Nixon.

As Big Bill Clinton’s Secretary of the Interior Brucie fiercely defended the rights of the valiant delhi smelt and the besieged furbish lousewort. Look them up.

Babbit short listed for the Supreme Court when he got his dick caught in the ethical wringer of the Clinton years – think Vince Foster [Hillary’s secret squeeze], Web Hubbell, Craig Livingstone, Bernie Nussbaum, AKA “the New York lawyer”, Ira Magaziner, Turd Begala, Snake Carville, Henry Cisneros, Zoftig Monica, Stephanopolous the mortgage scammer, inter alia.

When Babbit left the government teat, the one that oozed power, he went to work for a law firm where he made a fortune trying to undo all the evil he had done when he was holding the good end of the whip.

I use him as an example because in his official capacity he tried to void a mining lease entered into voluntarily by 2 companies. He gave 2 reasons for so doing.

#1 – One of the companies was Canadian.
#2 – The governing law was “old”.

Once an act is passed by Congress and signed by the President it becomes the law of the land. To be more precise, it becomes the Law of the Land. If it doesn’t work out it can be repealed. Vide the Alien & Sedition Acts and Prohibition. Until that happens it is the Law of the Land.

Which brings me to the topic of today’s screed.

There is picture of former Secretary of State Jay Forbes Kerry, the husband of Mad Cap Gypsy Lady Tereza, huddling in the United Nations with an Iranian diplomat. You may remember Teresa, whose family worked with Obama’s family several generations back in the slave transportation business, for getting him a multi-million-dollar yacht for his birthday. [She had it built in New Zealand to save money on labor and then registered it in Rhode Island to beat the Massachusetts boat tax. Chalk it up to how the rich stay rich. It sounds like something Trump would do, right?]

It can be assumed that they were not talking about financing a touring company of La Cage aux Folles or Fiddler on the Roof in Teheran. Plans for opening pulled pork sandwich shoppes in Iran were also not discussed. What was discussed was the US/Iran nuclear arms agreement. [It is owed to the ledge to point out that another old law, the Constitution, says that any treaty that the United States enter into must be ratified by 2/3rds of the Senate. This agreement was not. Neither was the Kyoto Accord, the one negotiated by Vice President Alpha Gump, that would have reduced this country to mid-range 3rd World status.

So we have photographic evidence of an American citizen negotiating with a foreign diplomat. Under the Logan Act, AKA the Law of the Land, that is a violation of Federal law. The Aquiline-beaked smarmy son of a bitch should be lugged and perp walked. And that will happen as soon as my brother, the hunchback straightens up.

Maybe Mueller should take a look at this. Yeah, right. I can’t have 2 hunchbacks in one day.

Salud, pesetas, y amor.
Y el tiempo to gustarlos

PS – Lest we forget, Kerry brought James Taylor to France to sing the 2nd worst song of the 20th century – “You Have a Friend” – at a memorial event for the French Jews who were killed by a moderate Muslim who was off his meds. Too bad we outlawed flogging.
The worst song of the 20th century? Send a SASE.

Friday, May 4, 2018

April 18, 2018 Randa Jarrar

April 18, 2018

Randa Jarrar, a non-gender specific, somewhat swarthy, calorically challenged English teacher at Fresno State, an alumna of WOG State Teachers’, said, in re Barbara Bush, “Fuck outta here with your nice words. She’s a racist who raised a war criminal.” Apparently, the rule of de morituis didn’t survive the Donner Pass sushi-fest either.

Howard Finkelstein, a modern American Liberal, in many ways the quintessential, prototypical modern American Liberal, teaches sociology at Brookdale Community College in Lindale, New Jersey, told a Conservative student to “shut the fuck up” and “fuck your life”.

2 things leap to mind:

1 – I know that Howie is a modern American Liberal because, continuing a conversation begun in 1963, sociology is a bullshit, tit course. It may be taught by interesting people – akin to a “dog walking on its hind legs”, no? – but it is a theme that wanders aimlessly and headlessly through academe because it does not permit mental right angles, because, or so it says, there are no cultural “red lines” in Western Civilization, and that it is impossible to define in 2 declarative sentences. “If you don’t like my principles, don’t worry. I have others.” Its banner, the one that “all honest men are encouraged to repair to”, consists of seasonally adjusted kaleidoscopic plaid, repackaged by Jackson Pollack, with instructions from the Italianate hand of Professor Irwin Corey.

Samuel Johnson, Edmund Burke, John Locke, Adam Smith, Madison and Mason, 
Rudyard Kipling, T. S. Eliot, Milton Friedman, Russell Kirk, Rufus Fears, and Victor Davis Hanson are names that academic sociologists, phony bastards all, fear the way Dracula fears holy water, the cross, and dawn. Silver bullets don’t faze them because, as C.S. Lewis told us, they are “men without chests”.

It is a pseudo-discipline for whom the words “glib”, “petty”, “trite”, and in a bow to diversity, “disingenuous” are needed to provide even a half-assed definition. It is explained more by saying what it isn’t, rather than what it is, thinks it is, or what it wants to be. 

2 – When my children were near college age I told them that, inter alia, there were some courses that the Daddy Scholarship Fund was not going to pay for. The list included all undergraduate courses in business, save accounting, and, above all, sociology. Let me add that each of them has 2 degrees and have held professional licenses in 5 states.

Finkelstein, doubtless in the terminal stages of his profession’s endemic disease – coal miners get Black Ling, right? – the one for which there is no cure this side of “the undiscovered country”, “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, knows he did no wrong. He expects to be lionized by his, dare I say, peers. You’ve heard of “The White Man’s Burden”? This is the smart man’s burden. These people, deplorables all, need to be hit with a Rhetorical 2 by 4 to get their attention. Rhetoric? I’ll lay big money that Howie and Randa together couldn’t define Rhetoric, let alone the Trivium.

Speaking of the nexus between sociology and offensively phony assholes, deep down, assuming there is a deep down in either of them, 2 of the 20th century’s biggest public nuisances, Margaret Sanger and Margaret Mead, were sociologists. They should be posthumously keelhauled. Annually or once a year, whichever comes first. 

April 21, 2018

“They were never going to let me be President.”  Yet one more incessantly shrill whine from Wide-Bottomed Hillary whose Secret Service detail carried a modified Jaws of Life device, one equipped with a built-in warthog sized baster filled with industrial strength WD-40 and Turbo Charged KY Jelly to get her 6 or 7 xxxx drawers off in case of an untimely return of Moctezuma’s deplorable revenge. If she ever has liposuction on those thunder thighs Port-au-Prince will have cooking fat for a holiday week-end.

If “they” were never going to let “her” become President why did “they” let “him” become President? “Him”, for those still confused by the seamless webs of a post-racial society, at least one where the earth has cooled and the oceans calmed, was/is Barack the Beneficent. I guess the Gods could not permit a café-au-lait President and a progesterone infused one in the same decade. Just a case of too many red lines to cross.

Earth Day is upon us again.

49 years after we were told by really smart Paul Ehrlich that the world would end in rimey starvation, 21 years after Vice President Alpha Gump told us that the absence of our beloved ozone layer would sauté us in perpetual melanomas, 20 years after we were told by Donna Shalala – and why won’t she just go away? I can’t miss her if she still hangs out, right? – we would all be dead from AIDS in 10 years, I hear Bill Gates, either the 5th or 6th richest man in the non-Ptolemean universe, tell us that the way to end malaria – Full disclosure: I saw a 6-month-old infant die of bad air 55 years ago. Her temperature was too much for our thermometer to measure – is to make bed nets stronger and have them infused with non-GMO bug flit. Thank God he doesn’t have a pay roll to meet anymore. There is one sure way of ending malaria, the disease that kills upwards of 2,000,000 non-White babies in sub-Saharan Africa each year. DDT was the most successful pesticide ever. Then rich 1% White first-worlders decided to feel good about themselves. The unintended – I think – consequences of this lower-case genocide – Where’s Al Sharpton when we really need him? – is bad enough but the hubristic moral preening is beyond woeful measure.

At the risk of offending Gaia, and why haven’t there been any Piss Gaias up for federal subsidies, it sure as shoot sounds like bullshit too me. Off course I believe in Climate Change. I rely on my personal climatologist, the noted Eye-Tie Renaissance man, Tony Vivaldi, to give me seasonal updates. So far, so good.

Meanwhile, my Earth Day repast will be continued with the traditional unborn manatee sushi, accompanied by the usual potables, served in non-degradable plastic cups. Also, inorganic crudités will be available for the pain in the ass Luddites.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------April 23, 2018
More news from the rialto

King Mewati the 3rd announced that Swaziland will no longer be called Swaziland. It will be called eSwatini, Home of the Swatis or, in the Highlands, the Swazie. John Cameron Swazye was supposed to make the announcement but he didn’t return his calls.

Th eKing did this because, in a fit of White Privilege pique, Switzerland, the country most confused with Swaziland, refused to change its name to Limestrasse, Home of the Cuckoos., Clocks or otherwise.

Expedia said there was monumental confusion between the Matterhorn and the Matterho.   

Complaints about the Matterho expedition are handled expeditiously by the alligator resolution directorate.

A new jewelry district, anchored by name tenants such as Rolexo, will be built as part of the next successful 5 year plan. 

April 24, 2018 Mayor Gary Resnick

April 24, 2018

Mayor Gary Resnick
2020 Wilton Drive
Wilton Manors, FL  33305

RE: Hate speech and it ain’t all from Trump, is it?

Mayor Resnick,

Joy-Ann Reid does not like homosexuals. Would I need 7 League Boots to infer that she doesn’t like lesbians either? She called former Governor Crist “Sister Charlie” because she believed he was a switch hitter. I can only imagine what she thought of Cole Porter or Barney Frank or Percy Dove Tonsils.

Is it true that the shoes of homosexuals never wear out because their feet never touch the ground?

Ms. Reid, a swarthily smarmy, ink-stained modern American Liberal wench, writes for the Miami Herald. She also found “Brokeback Mountain” to be “offensive” because the sound of 2 men high-balling it down the old Hershey Highway was more than her non-down low ears could stand. “Disgusting” was the word she chose.   [Too bad she never read James Baldwin. There were some mighty intense Gomorrah scenes there.] 

Did I mention she has a TV show on MSNBC?

Mentioning some of her better-known traits is something that is “owed to the ledger”. The things I mention about her – N.B. that I am not commenting on her self-proclaimed niggardliness -  fall well within the envelope limits of propriety. You may find them offensive but one of my favorite DWEMs told me centuries ago that “Free men speak with free tongues”. What’s different with her exercising her freedoms is that she is on television.

One of the best lines from “Network” was “Because you’re on television, you dummy”.

She is; I’m not.

My blog – WARRIORBARDIT.BLOGSPOT.COM – has never exceeded 7,000 visits.

At the very least, you must prevent the Miami Herald from being sold in Wilton Manors. That it is a clear and present danger to the inclusiveness of your town is beyond doubt. You wouldn’t make Wilton Manors a sanctuary city for peripatetic Typhoid Marys, would you? Can you imagine the uproar if the NRA were to be granted a parade permit, replete with floats and repeating rifle demonstrations?

 Cesar Chavez, before he went over to head up his ass, loony-tune modern American Liberal dark side, made not eating lettuce and grapes a visible sign of moral rectitude.

Boycott MSNBC.

Kevin Smith

PS – I know, in keeping with the tradition begun by not so crazy Alice, that modern American Liberals know that “words mean exactly what you want them to mean”. Thus, “queer” is acceptable when said by queers.  About queers, I think. Finochio and maricon are acceptable only in foreign road shows of “A Chorus Line” or if a flash mob breaks out with “I Feel Pretty”. I also know that in certain countries run under Sharia law homosexuals are bound up and flung from roof tops. I mention this because there is a rumor that Wilton Manors will ban the sale, the planting, the growing, and the boqueting of a plant known as the Wandering Jew. The idea, or so I hear, is that it is a simple outreach to your WOG neighbors to show that diversity has its limits. Also, pork cannot be cooked on backyard grills because the aroma is deemed offensive by both Sunni and Shiite moderates. Incidentally, and in keeping with the mAL tradition of offering half-assed, pant load apologies, I hereby apologize, sort of, if anything I said has offended anyone anytime or anyplace ever. If it hasn’t, bugger off. Or did I just repeat myself?


Thursday, May 3, 2018

May 1, 2018 Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor

May 1, 2018

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor
The Sun Sentinel
500 E Broward Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: The Sun Sentinel & The Onion – Separated at birth? Sunday’s Page One, in addition to being a primer on how modern American Liberal ink stained wretches and wenches share their kultursmog with the untermenschen, may need a special counsel – Is Walter Duranty accepting new assignments? – to prove or disprove collusion.

Ms. O’Hara,

OK. OK. It wasn’t as good as a serendipitous pre-dawn poke but it is worth a note to the Big Boss Lady.

I had the Sun Sentinel in my gas guzzling hands after a quick drive in my polar bear drowning, ozone layer destroying SUV just before 6:00AM. Let me add quickly that if Gaia shows up unannounced I will be hotfooting it to a sanctuary city.

Today’s Page One gave me a 4 second interval that allowed me to yelp “Jeezus Haitch Keerist! Did the Onion take over the Sentinel?”

“In Boca, a Chance to Roll Back the Height Rules”
The Sentinel
Page One

I thought Boca Raton had banned dwarfs, midgets, and/or vertically challenged dudes and dudettes. It goes without saying that if they are here undocumented they are most welcome. It’s the rat bastard native-born Panama jockey wanabees that are verboten.

Alas, I was wrong. It was about building heights.

Since I am always bound and determined not to be cliché-ridden, I must tell you that it is a well-known fact that teenagers in Newport Beach, California must present themselves to the Chief of Police on their 16th birthdays. He gives them a slice of gluten free, quinoa and kale, non-GMO cake and if he thinks they are ugly he shoots them in the name of cultural diversity. BOOM BOOM [How often do you get to define onomatopoeia the old-fashioned way?] One in each ear. Dead. On the spot. If you have not been genetically modified you go to the all organic municipal compost heap. If you were exposed to DDT or Phisohex you go to the Terminator Memorial Slag Heap, the one nicknamed Gehenna.

But wait, There’s more. Why stop at one?

“Psych Calls Jumped After Shooting”
The Sun Sentinel
Page One

I thought that the story would have demanded to know why a lot of callers were put on hold. Wrong again but WOW, it’s like saying “Umbrella Sales Jump After Rain”, right?

But wait, There’s still more. A cornucopia of addle-brained, mush-laden headlines leads us to

‘For Students, an ‘Awakening’ Like No Other”
The Sun Sentinel
Page One

[Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I worked for Arnold Bernhardt for 3 years. His last Broadway production was David Mamet’s “Glengarry, Glen Ross”.] 

I am still conflicted about Antigone. Lately, I ‘ve been leaning to the Creon side of the brouhaha. And since I know why Oedipus went to Colonnus and which of Lear’s daughters was the good one I think I’ll wait before seeing “Spring Awakening”. After all, it “lays out the shame, anger, confusion and restless spasms - Aren’t all spasms “restless”? – affiliated with teenage sexuality in 19th century Germany”. 

I’ll wait for the sequel. That’s the one that says rejected lederhosen-clad Lotharios led to Wagner who led to Bismarck who led to the Kaiser who led to Hitler – with approving nods to Margaret Sanger and Ambassador Kennedy – who led to the Koch Brothers who led to Trump, AKA il magnifico. 

Where can I send my check to put Reagan and Trump on Mount Rushmore? The Onion? Quien sabe?

Can there be too much of a good, I daresay great, thing?

Your Page 18A inside headline screams NO! NO!

“Effort to Save Wolves is Failing, review finds
The Sun Sentinel
Page 18A

I lived in West Orange, New Jersey before I was exiled to Florida. There was a 3500-acre nature preserve that was overrun by deer, or, in the language of the locals, rats with horns. Deer have 2 purposes in life: perpetual plugging and eternal eating. Come to think of it, that’s what all wild animals do with no exceptions, None. I, always known for my devotion to nature, wanted a natural, organic solution. Bring in the wolves!

That idea, like my idea to make manatee sausage as high protein food for the homeless when I got here, never caught on.

Your article says that we are “down to 2,000 Bengal tigers and 1,500 giant pandas”. And to think that all this happened before Trump got in. However, the article says “Republicans in Congress are waging an effort to alter the way the Endangered Species Act that would make protecting plants and animal more difficult”. To which I say Amen, Brother. Man is the only truly endangered species on the planet. 99.9999% of the species since the Steady State was usurped by the Big Bang are gone, like forever, like extinct. 2,000,000 sub-Saharan Black babies die each year from malaria. They died, they die, they will die because rich White people stopped the production of DDT, the only thing that has or can destroy malaria. If it’s time for the wolves to go we must remember the standing order issued to all Star Fleet Commanders. “Do not interfere with the life process”.

Abortion, anyone?

Kevin Smith

PS – You may wish to read the Miami Herald on the SNAFU/FUBAR Douglas shooting. Send a SASE for a translation. Even though modern American Liberals base everything on expectations there comes a time - Super Bowls, carrier landings, biopsy readings, for instance - when results count. Because fish stink from the head Sheriff Israel must go.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Mayor Gary Resnick

April 15, 2018

Mayor Gary Resnick
2020 Wilton Drive
Wilton Manors, FL 33305

RE: Hate crimes as bemoaned by you in your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Mayor Resnick,

Is your intolerance, I daresay hatred, of “ignorance, hatred, and bigotry” fine- tuned only when said evils are aimed at gays?

What if I were to be walking in your fine city, a place known for its “inclusivity”, when I stumbled on a left-handed lisping Lithuanian lumberjack upon whom I used my unlicensed assault cudgels – as if there were any other kind – about his head and shoulders in a most felonious manner. If I were to call him a predatory Sodomite – a la the great Lord Keynes until he was almost 30 and that’s a horse of a different color – who had been exiled from Gomorrah because of his fondness for Café Curtains and his devotion to the manly smell of Brut? Would my felony be made worse?

I don’t know your academic background but your condemnation of people using the word “Queen” – with the obvious exception, I hope, I hope, of talking about Victoria or either of the Elizabeths – suggests that Alice saying “those words mean exactly what I want them to mean” is, for you, from terra incognita.

Is Spencer’s “Faerie Queene” banned from the library in “inclusive” Wilton Manors?
Two hate crime words in the same sentence. Why not take a peek at what Shakespeare meant when Hamlet told Ophelia “to get thee to a nunnery”? Your police will be busy, busy.

“The best law will not stop people from attacking fill in the blanks”.

Perhaps T.S. Eliot’s take on evil might help. Send a SASE for the exact reference Which brings us back to the original Dr. J.

“How sad of all the things that men endure
 how few laws or kings can cause or cure

Kevin Smith

Marcia Heroux Pounds The Sun Sentinel

April 11, 2018
Marcia Heroux Pounds
The Sun Sentinel

RE: “Florida women earn 13 percent less than men.
        Yearly wage gap totals about $5,474”

Ms. Pounds,

At least that’s what the Sun Sentinel article, the one with your name on it, said today. Before I ask the obvious question, the one unanswered question lingering like a fart in church, I must state the obvious. I quickly add that stating the obvious was/is the key to Trollope’s success.

Since the data you use to posit your theory that in 2017 women earn 13% less than men, with the main reason being that women are not comfortable peeing standing up, can we stipulate that Trump had nothing to do with this? His immediate predecessor blamed his predecessor for crossed red lines, missed “gimmee” putts, his daughters’ chipped teeth, and his failure to discover the elusive Holy Grail-like Austrian-English dictionary-cum-thesaurus, for 87 of his 96-month reign. Let the record show that, in reverse chronological order, it was Obama, whose daughters went to an unbelievably expensive, snooty and snotty public school, a haven for the 1%ers while Bush’s daughters went to a public school. 

The obvious question is really obvious. It is Orwell obvious.

Let’s assume that the day you were hired by the Sun Sentinel a male with the same academic credentials and work/life experiences was also hired. Were you paid 13% less than he was? The obvious follow-up question why are there any men working, if, as you state, women are paid 13% less than men? Wouldn’t a bankrupt company be better off, salary-wise, if they only hired women?

An intriguing thought has just appeared. If the KGB had not convinced, whatshername, Hillary to not campaign in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Ohio, and she had won, would she have been paid 13% less than her predecessor?

Do you know of any public employee – local, county, state, federal – who is paid 13% less than her male counterparts?

Here’s a plan for gender equity on the big stage. How about a game between the winners of the NCAA basketball tournaments?

I will be seeing a female surgeon Wednesday next. Does she earn 13% less than any of her testosterone enhanced contemporaries? Should I ask her? If she is, should I increase her co-pay?

My daughter has 2 degrees and 2 professional licenses. She also has 3 daughters. When she works I ask you to accept on faith that she is not paid 13% less than any of her contemporaries, regardless of their gender or even of their sexual orientation She has no peers.

If you put her into the category labeled “females, working part time” she makes more than 13% less than “females, working full time”. Her pay per unit is the same as any other similarly licensed professional. To suggest otherwise is, as we recently learned of a new euphemism, “a lack of candor”.

Do you remember when the USA and the USSR had dual track meets? In one of them the United States, AKA “the good guys”, [guys also covered gals] shut out the Russkies, regardless of which Socialist Republic they were from. The Russians reported it thus: “In a recent international track meet the glorious athletes of the Mother Russia honored the rodinya by finishing second. The not so swift running dogs of capitalism finished next to last.”

Lies, damn lies, and the last refuge of modern American Liberals trying to prove a point that is, from the “copy-book headings” of Logic unprovable, statistics. 

Go figure.

Kevin Smith


Thursday, April 12, 2018

April 12, 2018 Senator Maria Chappele-Nadal

April 12, 2018

Senator Maria Chappele-Nadal
201 West Capitol Avenue #428
Jefferson City, Missouri, 65101

RE: Reparations and, by krikey, it’s a 2-way street

Senator Chappele-Nadal,

I enclose a quote, purportedly from you, demanding reparations.

“When I’m getting a single mother of three children calling me 
 trying to find a place to live because they don’t have a place to live…”

It goes a long way to explain why the Obamas, even though they lived in public housing, sent their kids to a snotty, snarky, unbelievably expensive private school. A sentence like that can be inoculated against.

Back to specific, personal reparations.

#1 – Your parents – It is empirically self-evident that the spawning season for you was when the gene pool was low, extremely low. I guess the nit-wit, bird brain wing of Planned Parenthood had not yet kicked in.

#1 – Your schools, and why do I just know that you never, absolutely never ever, heard of Trollope who made a good living – indoor work and no heavy lifting – stating the obvious, because “trying to find a place to live because – Jeepers and Creepers – they don’t  have a place to live” is as obvious as Kathy Griffin carrying a severed head of Trump or you saying last year that you wanted to “put a cap in his ass”. To naifish modern American Liberals, people who think “Imagine” is both good music and sound public policy, “putting a cap in his ass” means you want to “shoot the White Mo’Fo”. “Mo’Fo” a word too far? Send a SASE. But I think it means the same there as it means here.

But I digress.

You are constantly carping, in a manner that gives caterwauling a bad name, about reparations for your constituents. Your prototypical constituent is the perpetually unlucky in life’s lottery “single mom, usually a woman of color, with children who need a good Ritalin program in lieu of the salutary effects of Midnight Basketball who are also penalized by the absence of public transit”. 

I guess Thurgood Marshall was right when he gave his racial reason for voting to uphold Roe v Wade. He said Blacks should favor abortion because it meant that they did not have to grow up to face the rigors and disappointments of being Black in America. I think Michele Obama based her senior thesis on that thought.

Here’s some thoughts to ponder while you wait for the results of your MENSA exam.

 Talk about Affirmative Action on steroids! Why do Black women, some 6% of the population, have almost 40% of the abortions in this country? And on a gentler note, why do poor Black people pay the same as rich White people for a stamp? Shouldn’t we subsidize the literate among them to petition their elected officials for more stuff? After all, we are 2 years into a post-racial society, aren’t we?

The price for my support of your Reparations campaign is simple.

My father’s father had 2 uncles who came from Ballyglass in County Galway, in the Province of Connaught. Do I have to tell you the country is Ireland? They joined the New York 69th Regiment, the Irish Brigade. They came to fight in a war to free the slaves. It is indeed fitting and proper to note that the Irish, my forebears, were the first nation in History to free all the slaves within its borders and to outlaw its practice. They did this 12 centuries before Lincoln did it here. So, my record in this matter is quite clear.

It was a very hot day, particularly late in the afternoon, in the Wheat Field 2 July 1863. It was about 1000 yards from one side to the other. At some point a band played “Garryowen”, a tune now under attack by the music division of the dreaded Word Police. One of my uncles is still there, “wrapped in his faded coat of Blue”. I hope he died quick and clean which a 58-caliber bullet will do if you are shot dead center perfect.

How about some reparations for me? 

He got a $300-dollar bonus when he joined the Union Army.

How about a fungible and transferable tax credit of $300 plus interest from July 2, 1863? What’s fair is fair, right?

I’ll scratch your back and you scratch mine, OK?

Speaking of your back, you better lay off those fat back enemas and the fried chicken IVs. If you step on your cat’s tail you will kill him. I am told that your shadow registers on Richter Scale devices. You owe it to your constituents.

Kevin Smith

PS – Do you like tennis?


Wednesday, April 11, 2018

She has ridden out of the pages of History

April 10, 2018

She has ridden out of the pages of History and into the stuff of legend. She is out there “beyond the Western stars”. Known as “Wide-Bottomed Hillary”, she lived by the motto “Why mess your hair by crashing through the gender-specific [Did I just repeat myself?] glass ceiling when your husband will lie and hump his way through it for you?” Besides, a serendipitous benefit is you get to live, vicariously, alas vicariously, through all his Afternoon Delight horizontal tangos. And, when he gets caught with drawers around his ankles, she can caterwaul about “narcissistic looney-tunes” in a long serpentine line of bimbos.

Thus, after failing the D.C. Bar exam and being fired by the Democratically controlled Watergate impeachment committee for “conduct unbecoming”, she was “hired by the largest law firm in Little Rock – “largest” anything in Little Rock? As compared to the world’s 3rd smallest cello? – when her satyriasic husband became the Razorback Attorney General. And nobody said Jack Shit. And when she was made Partner in said firm when her husband came up for breath from beneath the sheets to be elected Governor everybody nodded and said “Que sera, sera”.

 Bertie was always told, “the trout finds its way into the milk”, so when she, because of her vast business acumen, was made a board member of TCBY [The Country’s Best Yogurt, for those whose only knowledge of Arkansas is when they fly over it] The next Logical step in her rocket-like career trajectory was Walmart. They may be really rotten, and absolutely deplorable before it was reverse-chic to be so, in Bentonville, Arkansas but they are not stupid. They figured out that even Big Bill Clinton, a horn dog that would have made Huey Long and Jack Kennedy proud, had to come home every now and then to refill his underwear ditty bag. They deducted them, remember?  What’s wrong, said the assembled Waltons, with having a pipe line, so to speak, to the Governor? The question of whether Walmart became “bad” because she was on the Board or after she left is still being debated.

A broker named “Red Bone”, and who needs the pettifoggery of a mortgage when a time-sales contract is what the Gomers who bought Whitewater land were familiar with, one dead, formerly feral, brain damaged Black ex-felon, TravelGate, Craig Livingstone, Ira Magaziner, Vince Foster, HillaryCare, love juice on the blue dress, Ken Starr, perjury,
$25,000 White House coffees – An inspiration to Starbuck’s? – Lincoln Bedroom “hot sheet” time share…and I haven’t even gotten to Bernie from Brooklyn, a big Clinton enabler, and his Loral Corporation selling all our secret GI Joe stuff to the clever Chinese war mongers yet.

And then, just when she thought all the years of sucking hind tit – Anybody from Arkansas knows that that ain’t misogynistic – were going to pay off, she gets bumped off in a “Kind Hearts and Coronets” moment in 2008 by a “clean and articulate” Black community activist from Chicago whose only 2 significant adult achievements were getting his wife a $4,000 – repeat - $4,000 a week raise and, subsequently, making her proud to be an Amurrican. [After years of oppression there is no record of her ever swimming to Cuba.] “Years of oppression”? My ass. Read her Princeton thesis. I have.

Markets have a way of correcting themselves. That’s what markets do. That’s why they are called markets. Any attempt, usually by a government, to correct or to emend them, results in chaos. Said chaos tautologically feeds on itself causing it to grow and prosper. The word “fairness” is always associated with this example of “the triumph of hope over experience”. Do you remember Walter Mondale at the Democratic Convention in 1984, the one that offered a not quite mobbed up goomah for the #2 spot, promising to add $10,000,000,000 – that’s ten billion dollars for the math challenged – to his first budget for the sake of “fairness”? I do. Look it up. It was Mondale’s daughter who used to sha-shay into the White House in a most nuanced way whenever Hillary was out of town or otherwise occupied. This was before Denise Rich took several lessons from Big Bill on his personal saxophone for spontaneous lip placement for those sustained high notes. Those were the ones where the coda is long and lingering. 

 Yet another way to make me proud to be from New Jersey is to note that Rutgers
University paid her $7,500 less for a speech than it paid Snooki, she of Jersey shore fame. Say what you will about Snooki, she got her higher fee the old-fashioned way, she earned it.  Part of Hillary’s fee went to the rental of the IV device, the one that drips pureed crème brulee into one thunder thigh while simultaneously lathering Ben & Jerry’s Chinky Monkey onto her Rubenesque arse. That, plus the nuclear-powered Jaws of Life if her absolutely non-Gluten-free, treacly persiflage backs up on her, makes it expensive to have her speak. Getting her Kevlar bloomers off her ain’t never easy.

Anyhow, the beauty of free speech is that it is like pregnancy or cancer. Either you are or you aren’t. Either you have it or you don’t. I bear several proud scars from one but not from the other.

Try to guess. Send a SASE. Win valuable prizes plus save Soviet Jewry.

Kevin Smith

PS – Speaking of “scars”, 2 modern American Liberal lady pols, one now with national acclaim and yes, Kipling was right about the female being the deadlier, sent the police, men with badges and guns, to my house because of something I wrote. Was that a “chilling effect” or a “slippery slope”? Use the same SASE. I love feedback.
PS Plus – Tornado warning here. God Damn Trump. It snowed in Boston in April. The Cubs opener was snowed out. And it all began when he pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord. The bastard. Where is Ned Lud when we really need him?