Monday, February 5, 2018

February 5, 2018

Mike Jackson – Chairman
206 SW 1st Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

Mr. Jackson.

First, allow me to congratulate you on your selection as Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta. It speaks volumes to your business acumen and corporate acuity.

Second, and a far more reaching inquiry than congratulatory notes usually contain, is one of financial accountability.

Why shouldn’t the Federal Reserve Bank and all its subsidiaries be subject to the same accounting rules as AutoNation?

Back in my other life, I was an officer and director of a public company. Since I had no academic background in finance I relied on the number of footnotes after the actual numbers and the number of paragraphs the auditors needed to explain themselves to judge the health of the company. The dispassionate opinion of a 3rd party carried far more weight than mine did, particularly when dealing with the outside world of shareholders and bankers.

Shouldn’t the Fed be subject to the same scrutiny?

The courtesy of a prompt reply would be most appreciated.

Kevin Smith
February 2, 2018

Governor Phil Murphy
Office of the Governor
Box 001
Trenton, NJ 0865

Governor Murphy.

May I suggest that your fracking ban in my beloved New Jersey – Bayonne born and raised – will have no effect because there ain’t no wells to frack. May I suggest that in the alternative you ban some of the effects of fracking?

#1 – One business day a month, a day chosen at random, no government building can use electricity.
#2 – One business day a month, not the same day as #1, no government vehicle powered by an internal combustion engine will be allowed to operate.
#3 – One business day in the month of August and one in the month of January no office building owned or leased by New Jersey will have either an air conditioner or a heater running. To sate the obvious, August for the A/C and January for the heater.
#4 - Ban all government facilities from using anything with plastic.
#5 – Other than “ohmadahn” maybe you can find a word used by Irish-Catholics as a synonym for “putz”.
#6 – Maybe it’s time to test the water at Goldman Sachs. You seem to be determined to out do Corzine. I shan’t fall into the convenient modern American liberal trap of constructing universals from particulars but “such stupidity is not to be found in nature”, right?
#7 – Beginning some 40 years ago I was fascinated with the concept of sanctuary and its evil twin nullification. 500 years from medieval sanctuary – remember Quasimodo with Esmeralda? – to John Calhoun, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King. As one Jersey guy to another, I make this knowledge available to you on a pro bono basis. I don’t want to see you make a complete horse’s ass of yourself.

Kevin Smith

#8 – Ban Taylor Ham and all pork roll products. Talk about genetically modified foods! After all, it’s for the children. They are our future, aren’t they?
#9 – When is the ban on all petrochemical complexes in Jersey coming? It is, isn’t it?

Friday, January 26, 2018

January 23, 2018

Ryan Dunleavey
NJ Advance Media

RE: Student Expelled, as you report, for using – pick one, pick all – offensive, libelous, nasty, offensive, profane, inter alia, language on her blog.

Mr. Dunleavy, 

Speaking of language and writing and “Free men speak with free tongues”, is there any chance you might be related to J.P. Dunleavey? If you have to ask who the bloody Hell is he you probably should stop reading.

What would be the reaction if someone were to write a book review of Dick Gregory’s autobiography and mentioned the title of the book? It rhymes with “bigger”. It is the dreaded “N” word, the word that White people dare not use. That word. If you don’t get it, send a SASE.

How does one write a book review without mentioning the title of the book? Would it be an expellable offense to ask for it by name in the college library?

Kevin Smith

PS – Win valuable prizes plus save Soviet Jewry if you know what Hamlet meant when he told Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery” Hamlet? Ophelia” Send a SASE


Wednesday, January 24, 2018

January 23, 2018
Matt O’Brien
The Washington Post
1301 K Street
Washington, DC 20071

Mr. O’Brien,

Logic would dictate that Chavez and Mugabe – Why leave out Castro and Kim Il whatever? – will shortly be followed by, drum roll please, of the perils of ignoring the “slippery slope” of ignoring the perils of Trump.

Your unlinkable Washington Post article enjoining us to sell our stocks to buy small diamonds for barter and, sotto voce, hand guns, plus some non-cancelable transit visas a la Casablanca, is well taken.

Socialism, to cite Churchill, is “the equal sharing of miseries”.

Despite the ham-handed attempts of Barack the Beneficent [OK,OK, he was distracted what with his quest to find the Holy Grail of dictionaries, the elusive Austrian/English in one of those missing 7 or was it 8 states] to bludgeon the economy,, into somnambulistic subservient submission, and where did that perpetual Summer of Recovery go, someone seems to have heeded the great Lord Keynes who said cutting taxes is the one sure way to revive said economy by “letting the animal spirits” loose. 

The only “animal spirits” left in Venezuela involve biting the heads off chickens and trying to make shoes, socks, and shingles into stew. Zimbabwe, nee Rhodesia, your other exemplary failed Socialist state, has a new version of musical chairs. The loser gets fed…to the crocodiles.

Socialism works very well if your C.O. is Mother Teresa or a to ugh as nails 3 tripe sergeant.

Every other time, in every other place, in any and all circumstances where it has been tried it has failed. [Perhaps we could solve the problem of why Johnny can’t read if we paid as much attention to the English teacher as we did to the football coach] Having dug ditches in 3 countries I assure you that if the ditch you’re digging isn’t deep enough you don’t have to dig a new ditch. Dig deeper in the old one]

Since modern American Liberals are usually closeted lower case socialists – “It hasn’t really been tried” or “Socialism needs a heart” or some such ca-ca, with ca-ca meaning bull shit – the results of the effort to prove that effort is the same as results is always forgotten. I shan’t mention because I would be flogged for piling on but every time it has been tried on a grand scale – Think Russia, Germany, and China – we wind up with gulags, gas chambers, and heads on poles. 

Supposedly rational adults reuse to accept the facts that – A – rational self interest is and will always be the thing that makes the dog hunt and – B – the laws governing gravity are not subject to either repeal or amendment.

Bernie Sanders has such fervent followers because thought Is not required. Knowledge of such turn in the punchbowl inconvenient truths, things such as why hasn’t it ever worked even a little bit can is eclectically sent down the memory hole. No thought or work is required; just blind belief in the perfectibility of man.

No wonder they want perpetual DACA
Serfs who reproduce and vote
“I’ll retire to Bedlam”
Viva Trump!

Kevin Smith

PS – Wide Bottomed Hillary would have loved Mussolini

January 23, 2018

Scott Jordan – Boob in Charge
Ketchum, ID 83340

Mr. Jordan,

Since I know that “modesty is an overrated virtue” I can tell you with 100% metaphysical certitude – “metaphysical”? Send a SASE – that I am not, as you say of Fox News watchers, a “fucking idiot”. Why just yesterday I discussed the 25-century old pissing contest between Antigone and Creon over conflicting rights - You remember that one, don’t you, you twit? – with my internist.

As Vegas people are wont - “wont”? Send a SASE – to say, I may be making my point the hard way but as a Jeopardy alumnus I try top make sure the “lesser breeds” – e.g. that’s short for examplia gratia, you boob – supposed businessmen who not only insult existing customers but go out of their way to insult future customers in a Brobdanaglian manner {“Brobdanaglian”? Send a SASE}- thereby insuring that they won’t use some of their tax cut money to buy some of your products. I fear I may be going too fast for you so I will type more slowly.

Having “created” – “created”? Send a SASE -  a bit more than 400 jobs in Ohio, West Virginia, Kentucky, New Mexico, and New York, I know what it takes to sign both sides of a pay check. I found out that I didn’t get paid to sell something to people but rather I got paid to find people to sell something to.

While it is an empirical – “empirical”? Send a SASE – truism that you can’t sell from an empty wagon it is equally true that you will come up short if no one walks past your wagon, no matter how filled it may be.

I going to go out on a limb here but I believe that you are a guilt-ridden modern American Liberal who can can’t stand playing with a lead because it is so unfair to those who are “unlucky in life’s lottery”. Your one sure way to “level the playing field” is to make sure that you have no future customers. That will show your solidarity with the 99%ers.

 How many ways can I define “putz”?

Accordingly, and in recognition of your Homeric – “Homeric”? Send a SASE -  feats, feats that rival the cleansing of the Augean stables – “Augean stables” Send a SASE – I hereby name you the winner of my most prestigious awards. It takes someone who walks with 7 League Boots – “7 League Boots”? Send a SASE – to score a rare Triple Crown. 


And considering it’s still January the last award is worthy of note.

Kevin Smith

PS – Since I won’t be buying anything from you I will this day be buying some Clark Bars and some Lifebuoy soap from the Vermont Country Store. In the past I have found out that they offer good products that are hard to come by at a fair price and, most importantly, they don’t call me a “fucking idiot” when I do business with them. 
PPS – Send a very big envelope, you shit head. In fact, send a big box, a very big box, shit for brains. Change SASE to SASVBB, you dunce.

Monday, January 22, 2018

January 23, 2016
Viva Trump!
Some 6 centuries ago the Roman Catholic Church, my Church, began to sell
indulgences. Indulgences were “Get out of jail free” cards. Sins, whether venial or mortal could have their punishment - Time in Purgatory or forever in Hell as described by Dante – lessened or forgiven
Like most Renaissance Italianate – Did I just repeat myself? – things, it quickly led to wretched excess. Alas, the practice caught the eye of a pain in the ass inquisitive Augustinian monk in Germany, Martin Luther by name.
The rest is, as is oft-times said, History.
I intend to bring back indulgences.
At my daughter Courtenay’s wedding I gave gifts to 3 dear friends of mine, 2 of whom are now dead. One of the gifts was an autographed first edition of National Review. If you don’t know William F. Buckley, Jr. stop reading. Now.
Let me add that I have 17 years of bound copies of National Review. For 10 years I was an annual contributor to their foundation.
Marcus Aurelius, Augustine, Burke, Madison, Bastiat, Weaver, Hayek, Maritain, Burnham, Chambers, Cicero, Kipling, Johnson, Eliot, Hart, Solzhenitsyn, Brownson, Nock, Meyer, de Tocqueville, Friedman, Percy, Belloc, Nisbet, Chesterton, Lewis for starters. An “A” team for sure. Feel free to add other names featured in NR.
When the roll is called for any other magazine of ideas it is a short thing. The Nation? The New Republic? America? The New Yorker? Of course they were well written but it was like eating a bowl of whipped cream and meringue. There was, is, no “there” there.  Rawls? Chomsky? Odets? Hellman? Half the Democratic Senators being racist? The sale of their souls from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941? “The triumph of hope over experience”?  Results? Who needs them! It’s expectations that count.
Modern American Liberals are like a nest of vipers being let loose in a crowded church. Conservatism, however it is defined, is the truth serum, the sting of holy water to the vampire that allows escape from the offenses to Logic that mALs revel in. It would be bad enough if it were limited to magazines and the sere groves of academe. I suggest the evidence of your own eyes would be the realization that the only promise that the man in the White House has kept is the one where he said he would fundamentally change this country. Give him credit, however perverse, that he said what he was going to do before he did it.
As an Irish-Catholic born and raised in Bayonne, NJ, and thus a genetically designated Democrat, I confess to two things, one of which the consequences preclude any relief by indulgences be they plenary or partial. It was the only vote I ever regretted casting. 
LBJ – 1964
My betters told me that if Goldwater won we would have 2,000,000 men in Vietnam and we would have race riots. How could I vote for that?
History has a way of intruding.
“How sad of all the things that men endure
how few laws or kings can cause or cure.”

Sitting on the sidelines, keeping a careful chronicle, was the National Review. It was a contemporary version of “The Gods of the Copybook Headings”.

NR was my Damascus moment.

I, by virtue of being a true Conservative, one steeped in both the 25 century old tradition and the practical application of today’s politics, hereby grant any number of indulgences sufficient to get Conservatives to help elect Donald Trump as the next President of the United States. 

We must summon him like the citizens of Rome summoned Cincinnatus to save the Republic. I promise to spend the first 100 days of his term trying to convert him to the pure, sacred form of Conservatism. I shall start by reading William F Buckley’s columns to him. I will summon his ghost to read “Up From Liberalism” to him at meals. 

Since all my capital is tied up in debt the only legacy I can leave for the benefit of my Texas ladies is Western Civilization. We are in a time of limitless peril. We “are being watched by large and awful faces from beyond and on those faces there is no smile”.

Who will be our Horatius at the bridge? 

Hillary Clinton? Curly Biden? Bernie, the Bombastic Bolshie?

As to National Review, Buckley would respond to an irate subscriber who wrote demanding that the cancel his subscription. “Cancel your own Goddamn subscription” he would say.

Cancel, don’t cancel.

Come to me with your doubts. It is time for Trump. 

Kevin Smith

Sunday, January 21, 2018

January 12, 2018
“Shit Hole countries”
Of course, of course, we turn to Orwell. He believed in calling a spade a spade. I trust I have everybody’s toes up on the line marked Scarlet Letter – “R” – for racism.
As the most hated and reviled essayist of the 20th century – How dare he suggest that Communists are stone killers who use “power to the people” as political cover as he did in “Homage to Catalonia”? How dare he suggest that the great Stalin was less than perfect as he did in “Animal Farm”? How dare he suggest that the future of socialism is a boot in the face of “the last free man in Europe” as he did in “1984”? 
He also told us that
“The obvious and true have got to be defended. Truisms are true.
Hold on to that. The solid world exists. It does not change.
Stones are hard. Water is wet.
If that is granted all else follows.”

Thus, when President Trump calls Haiti a “shit hole”, it falls under either the
“stones” umbrella or the “water” aegis. Knowledge of Latin is not required to be able to define either res ipso loquitur or quod erat demonstratum in re the collusion between Haiti, shit hole and shit sto. By any measurable standard, Haiti is a shit hole in a shit storm. Other than voo-doo and some dynamite recipes for vegan rock stew what other contributions has it made to the Western Canon? Also, add that they are a clean people, like Senator Biden describing Senator Obama, remember? I know this because they frequently wash up on the beach

The violence there makes Chicago and Baltimore look like Vatican City on Good Friday.

Whenever there is an earthquake, a hurricane, a zombie apocalypse, a misplaced tsunami, guilty 1%ers, overwhelmingly White, send a Berlin Airlift armada filled with cash, drugs, cell phones, exercise equipment, washing machines, and cable TV contracts. Did I mention cash? How do you think the Clintons paid for Chelsea’s wedding?

It is said that in America 3 kinds of people are responsible for most charitable contributions: A – rich Protestants, B – most Jews, and C – poor Catholics.

How much of the pelf and swag that fell on Haiti the last time they were a victim of life’s circumstances came from Africa?

The outpouring of charity “falling like gentle rain from the heavens” is done for 2 reasons:
A – It is a corporal work of mercy and thus it is divinely sanctioned and
B – Better to help them there than have them show up here with their begging bowls. And “B” is a Baltimore Catechism example of imperfect contrition

As tough as it is to put lipstick on a pig it is tougher still to say that Haiti isn’t a shit hole.

While I am at it, there are at least 6 countries in Africa that permit slavery. “Slavery”? Slavery. “Africa”? Africa.

All hail the Irish for ending slavery in their country 1600 years ago!
All hail William Wilberforce for forcing England to end slavery 180 years ago!
All hail Abraham Lincoln for saying, one month before our Civil War ended, that if more blood had to be shed to end slavery, we would shed it!

6 African countries – Mali, Chad, Mauretania, Nigeria, Sudan, and Libya – acquiesce in the slave trade. If that is not a O.E.D. definition of “shit hole/shit storm” then, pray tell, what is?

Yemen? North Korea? Zimbabwe? [Trader Joe’s sells, so help me, coffee from Zimbabwe and Zambia. Organic; of course. Brazil still sells the inorganic kind that exploits the people and despoils the land.]

Uruguay has 3 things going for it:

A – The Graf Spee scuttled itself off its coast in 1939.
B – It won the World Cup in 1930 and 1950.
C – I refused to extend credit to its national airline in 1997.
Definitely a “shit hole” country.

OK. OK Add Venezuela, Paraguay, and Surinam to the “shit hole” Hall of Fame

After the pyramids and letting White Europeans build a canal what has Egypt done?

 I almost forgot. They gave us WOG, as in Westernized Oriental Gentlemen, as in “WOGS begin at Calais”, one of the great words of the White Man’s Burden era. The Egyptians used it to distinguish themselves from the really swell guys in Sudan which, of course, is “shit hole” country.

Why do the Haitians swim past Cuba, a workers’ paradise if ever there were one, on their way to racist, “deplorable” America? Can it be that there is no free stuff to be had in Cuba? In Cuba’s defense it has a “shit hole” government. Other than breakfast, lunch, and dinner it has solved everything that ails modern man. Teen age obesity has been solved by mandatory long-distance swimming schools and no carbs.

Pop quiz.

President Obama said that Libya was a “shit storm” country. Do “shit storm” countries morph into “shit hole” countries?

Senator Obama, Senator Schumer, and Senator Obama voted for a wall on the border with Mexico in 2006, Senator Durbin gave an impassioned speech in the Senate against “chain migration”. Could the term “racist” be used against them?

Whatever you can do with shit you can’t shine it.

Lest we forget, the thing that makes a nation sovereign is the ability to control its borders and, concomitantly, who gets in. Saint Paul avoided crucifixion by saying “Sum Romanus”.

Kevin Smith

PS – 25 centuries ago, a non-shit hole and non-shit storm author, a disabled veteran and one of the most distinguished Dead White European Males, [DWEMs, for those boobs who have Kumbaya tattooed on their palms] Sophocles by name, had one of his characters, Antigone by name, go to the mat with a king named Creon. It was the first time in literature that 2 individuals fought to the death over a conflict of rights.
I first read about it in 1962. For the last 10 years or so I have been leaning towards Creon and his “right”. Possibly, there is no permanent answer to what seems to be a permanent question.
It applies to the “shit hole/shit storm” dust up thus:
Pick a country, any country save Norway.
Pick a country where cholera is as normal there as teenage obesity is here. Pick a country where prepubescent girls have their G-spots excised by the bottom of a coke bottle. Pick a country where poison snakes and malaria are du jour events. Pick a country that cultivates earthquakes and tsunamis Pick a country where no one, particularly the Judges, has ever heard of the Rule of Law. Pick a country where the debate over plastic or paper is. never heard. Pick a country where no one gives a shit about drowning polar bears, rising sea levels, furbish louseworts, or carbon footprints. Pick a country where once a month where the theory of homosexuals not being able to fly is proved by flinging a few of them off a roof.
The list grows and grows.
Add a lack of nutrition and a lack of indoor plumbing and I will need a new ink cartridge to name them all.
Simple question.
Do residents of any country fitting any of the descriptions listed above have the “right” to come to this country?
Do we have the “duty” to accept them?
Take your time.
The question was first asked 2500 years ago.
Right v right. 
Which right, forgive me, trumps the other?

It still hasn’t been answered.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

January 8, 2018

Michael Putney
WPLG-TV Channel 10

Yo, Mikey,

In response to your question about Boss Fiedler’s reaction to my suggestion about drilling due East of the former world HQ of the Miami Herald, let’s just say he was not amused. Now that he is permanently ensconced in Boston, “the home of the bean and the cod”, plus Senator Lieawatha Warren who will try to make teepees and wickiups eligible for participation in Section 8 subsidies, he is still trying to figure out how the Adirondacks, a word that means “dry and bitter earth”, came to be called that centuries before acid rain appeared. Also, why there was no summer in Boston in 1820.

Anyway, full disclosure requires me to reveal the following:

#1 – My involvement in the oil & gas business began at $2.75 a barrel in 1972.Coal was in 1977.
#2 – I fracked my first well in 1974.
#3 – I drilled more than 100 wells.
#4 – I testified at a Department of Interior hearing on NJ offshore drilling in 1975. My response to the questioner about his resemblance to Mr. Bumble made the local NYC news. And yes, I was good.
#5 – Since I was signing the checks I hired myself to work on drilling and completion rigs and underground continuous miners.
#6 – In addition to being the only students in the West Orange, NJ school system to be expressly forbidden to participate in the “Trick or Treat for UNICEF” scam, my children were allowed, indeed encouraged, to use electricity in a most conspicuous manner. The word profligate could be used. The reason was simple: I produced far, far more energy than I could possibly consume.
#7 – By “decontrolling” the price of oil, the great Reagan drove the price down from $42.50 [March, 1982] to $6.00 [July, 1986] It’s what markets do. That, coupled with his tax cuts, led to what the Wall Street Journal called ‘The 7 Fat Years” of economic expansion.
#8 – I “created” more than 400 jobs in the ‘80s by drilling wells or opening coal mines.
#9 – If you don’t like how electricity is made turn off your A/C, jog to work, and eschew plastic.

When I got to Florida in late 1996 I noticed the common thread in the editorial boards of the Sun Sentinel and the Miami Herald. They hated any drilling. Their opposition to drilling in either the Gulf or the Atlantic was visceral, bordering on a hate crime. It was OK to burn gasoline produced from oil produced in the Gulf off the states of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama, but not Florida. A bit hypocritical, no? Now that China wants to drill off the coast of Cuba, a place where the EPA and OSHA have no jurisdiction, we may need to expand the US Navy to check insurance certificates.

The weight of the editorial evidence would suggest that both papers secretly worship Ned Lud. Logic would dictate that the omelet of the Internet [and I can never thank Vice President Alpha Gump for talking the time out of his busy schedule of being the bag man for Armand Hammer, Lenin’s last friend, a tobacco farmer, a slum lord, a serial polluter, and the first man to tell us the story of Willie Horton – And is there really no such thing as a bad boy? – and the invention of said Internet, of Project Cellini, of driverless but not fuel less cars, of CVS drive-thrus, of replaceable water filters, of the possibility of 3rd Worlders becoming 2nd or maybe even First Worlders, requires that many eggs be cracked.

That Colonel Drake ended American whale hunting is one of those turd in the punch bowl “inconvenient truths” that modern American Liberals eclectically ignore. [The previous fact is worthy of some single malt whisky]

Forget Viagra!

There is nothing more aphrodisiacal than smelling oil coming from a well that you drilled. Instant blue-veiner.

Oil is dirty. It is also the thing that makes the dog hunt. It powers civilization.

Pop quiz

What ended the last Ice Age? Why do Stradivarius instruments sound so spectacular?

One answer is Global Warming and the other is a mini Ice Age. You pick’em.


PS – I called George Will’s attention to a simple grammar mistake just after last Thanksgiving. I oh so gently chastised him. I still haven’t heard from him. Do you think I will?

Friday, January 5, 2018

January 3, 2018

Randy Schultz
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Some comments of the non-ranting variety on your column on suing the opioid bad guys, and who else but the filthy lucre driven, Mammon possessed drug companies, as explained by you today in the Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Schultz,

If, as you say, Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi “let Donald Trump off the hook…after a $25,000 donation” – That’s as obvious a quid in return for a quo as a fart in church – you have no choice but to, as Logic would dictate, pursue this to its conclusion.

What you have described is a bribe. Your obligation, as a crusading journalist, one who believes that Midnight Basketball never got a decent chance, one who believes that the minimum wage is never high enough, one who believes that Walter Duranty set the standard for Russian collusion, one who believes the Julie and Ethel Rosenberg got the shitty end of the stick, one who believes that Alger Hiss was a stand-up guy, one who believes that Nixon and Reagan started the Vietnam War, one who believes that we can tax our way to prosperity, one who believes that urinals must be banned from public bathrooms, one who believes that “Imagine” should replace the National Anthem, and that a Constitutional Amendment is needed to ban the heartbreak of psoriasis, teenage bullying and teenage obesity, you have no choice but to take to the pulpit and drive them both out of office.

Call “Star Chamber” Mueller. Turn over your secret files. He’ll take it from there.

By the by, if drug companies can be sued because people abuse drugs shouldn’t car companies be sued because people die in crashes caused by speeding?

The beauty of being an ink-stained modern American Liberal wretch is that you still have 51 weeks to “revise and extend your remarks”, untrammeled by the discipline of Logic or by those irksome bobbing little turds in the public punch bowl, those “inconvenient truths”, AKA, facts. Just like sunlight and holy water to a modern American Liberal!

Kevin Smith

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

January 1, 2018

Letter to the Editor
The Star Ledger
One Gateway Center
Newark, NJ 071025323- 

RE: “Eclectic indignation” or how virginal is your pristine dudgeon?


Is your bemoaning of the, as you say, “smearing” of special prosecutor Robert Mueller predicated on whether all special prosecutors should be exempt from partisan criticism or is it just special prosecutors who go after Republican Presidents?

Did not James Carville – a brief trip to those glory days reminds us that while all Presidents must lie, not all Presidents are required to commit perjury. Also, there is always the case of the semen-stained dress and the etymology of the word “is”, remember? Like I said, the good old days – spend all his waking hours constantly carping and caterwauling while he pilloried and poleaxed Kenneth Starr. If memory serves, Starr was a special prosecutor with the same powers as Mueller. 

Did you object to the billingsgate that Carville pelted Starr with. If not, why not? Favore, explain the difference to me.

A thread common to modern American Liberals and their lap dog flunkies, the editorial ass kissers who slavishly support them, is “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. Not familiar with the term? Send a SASE.

Kevin Smith

PS – The Rutgers football season ended a month ago yet you still cover it. Why was there nary a mention of the nationally ranked Seton Hall basketball team and its thrilling win over Saint John’s?

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

December 19, 2017
Dean Trantalis
PO Box 81241
Boca Raton, FL 33481

Candidate Trantalis,

Even if there were no other reason to vote against you – and believe me, there are many – your return address is more than sufficient. The office you seek is that of the Mayoralty of Ft. Lauderdale. Were no PO boxes available here?

#1 – You tout your vote against the Bahia Mar project as something approaching a “Profiles in Courage” moment, if not a Thomas More scenario. How did it turn out?
#2 – Thank you for protecting “public land from private profit? May I infer that while you are opposed to “private profit” you are not opposed to public profit or, heaven forefend, generic, sectarian, or non-denominational profit?
#3 – Should a minor te deum be raised because you are opposed to “poor planning”? Logic would dictate, with Logic being the bete-noire of modern American Liberals, that you are in favor of “good planning”. Which is your favorite model?  Cuba? Zimbabwe? Venezuela? Candidate Obama, a noted community activist cast in the successful templates of Lenin and Hitler, promised in 2008 to “cool the earth and calm the seas”. How did that work out? Can you say less?

#4 – Congratulations on getting a law degree without ever reading the Constitution. Which part of the First Amendment don’t you understand? The only occupation specifically mentioned and protected by the Constitution is lobbying. Look it up, you twit.
The First Amendment, the one that allows, indeed encourages, NARAL, NAMBLA, and the Westboro Baptist Church to make public nuisances of themselves, is the same one that protects “the pursuit of private profit from public lands” and the accompanying advocacy thereof.

The same right – “Free men speak with free tongues” – that allows Kathy Griffin to parade around with severed head of Donald Trump is the same right that allows me to say that if, God help us, you become Mayor you probably shouldn’t stand too close to anybody named Moscone.

When Steven Colbert said that “Trump’s mouth was a cock holder for Putin” could that have been seen as a homophobic slur?

Kevin Smith

PS – The front of your mailing piece shows a maritime setting of boats and condos. In addition to the photo being out of focus, I have reason to believe that while the ocean is visible it is not the ocean directly East of Fort Lauderdale. That’s the ocean that will take you to the Bahamas and to Bayonne, France. Could you tell me the name of the South/North street between the marina and the potentially raging and perpetually rising sea? While you’re at it, what is the name of the East-West street between the condos and the marina?
Another, perhaps touchier subject. 

George Moscone and Harvey Milk were murdered during the glorious reign of Jimmuh Carter. They both are still dead and will be dead for a long time. Whatever the panoply of Moscone’s public/private peccadilloes were, paedophiliac pederasty, unlike Milk’s plentiful CV, is not to be found. Why is Milk on a stamp while the just as dead Moscone is not? Roman Polanski went on the lam to avoid the consequences of paedophilia. Judge Moore, accused of the same, will be opening a riding school soon. Harvey Milk gets a ship named after him. Go figure.

Monday, December 18, 2017

December 17, 2017
Commissioner Tim Ryan
115 South Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Tax breaks, tax cuts…and who gets the shit end of the stick? The undeserving poor, victims of life’s circumstances all, the wretched of the earth, that’s who! Some comments on your unlinkable mini op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel, on how fire-breathing modern American Liberals, nit-wits, jackanapes, and mountebanks like you, always can tell the buttered side from the dry.

Commissioner Ryan,

Tell me again, and in time for Festivus, why tac cuts have to be “paid for” but spending increases and tax increases don’t have to be counter balanced?

You speak of the Broward County Commission doing some inside baseball, lateral arabesque maneouvers that will enable property owners who are mostly White and decidedly upper middle class to tax shelter $ from the clutches of the tax man.

Tell me again how this benefits inner city moms, all of whom are women of color with children in need of a good Ritalin program who are denied the benefits of Midnight Basketball because of a lack of affordable public transit.

Residents of Section 8 housing, at least in Broward County, are invariably people of color and almost all of whom are “are unlucky in life’s lottery”, don’t own municipal bonds. The melanin-challenged landlords do. How can you proclaim your devotion to the succor of the former while serving the economic interests of the latter? It sure as Hell sounds like bullshit to me, particularly from someone who is devoted to manatee suffrage.

I figured you to be a zealot for Ida Tarbell, the Beards, and Howard Zinn, but it seems that you have sent them to Coventry. You say it will save taxpayers “millions”. Even though I am not from Ferguson, another trip wire for modern American Liberals, can I ask you to “show me”?

Kevin Smith

PS – Poor Black folk subsidizing rich White folk? Whodathunk? Do something with that picture. It looks like you have your too small, no exit,l tighty-whiteys on backwards

Friday, December 15, 2017

December 13, 2017

Randy Schultz

One of the acceptable minor vices of modern American Liberals, and let there be no argument that you are the paradigmatic template of same, is the constantly unconscious need to prove over and over that Orwell was right.

Your Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel, the one titled “Prepare for next attack on the Ag Reserve”, proves my point.

“Animal Farm” and “1984”, 2 Orwell books that your ideological and political forebears tried to blacklist and ban because they were thought – and rightfully so – to be disrespectful of Stalin, said “All pigs are equal; some pigs are more equal than others”. Hold that thought.

The Ag Reserve, a scheme that proves that Progressives love mankind but hate people, denies citizens use of their land for living purposes. The most endangered species in America is a rational, working bi-pod who wants to provide for his family. Some citizens of Palm Beach County cannot afford to live on Worth Avenue or Manalapan or Wellington. A wily capitalist, doubtless aided and abetted by the notorious Koch Brothers and their pursuit of the filthy lucre dangled as bait by an insidious Mammon, wants to use public land to build private houses. Perish the thought.

In your first paragraph, herein printed in its entirety, you write

“For the third time in six months, a proposal to undermine the will of Palm
   Beach County voters has been withdrawn, supposedly for further review.”
The Sun Sentinel
[italics mine]

You speak of the will of the people as if it were holy writ, as if it came ex cathedra. How can anyone tamper with the will of the people?

Vox populi is great.
Some vox populi is not as great as others.

There is no sense being a modern American Liberal unless you Major in Eclectic Indignation and Minor in Eclectic Memory

62% of Florida’s voters voted against same-sex marriages. In fact, no state where it appeared on the ballot voted in favor of it. Would that qualify as “undermining the will of the people”?

I guess “the will of the people” only counts when it corresponds with the will of those who know what’s best for the “people”. If it doesn’t, tough tittie.

Another common point shared by modern American Liberals is hating all lobbying and all lobbyists. I may have to walk that remark back. “All” is too catholic a term. NARAL hacks are good; anyone representing SEIU thugs is OK; feral felons, the non-melanin challenged ones, caterwauling about Black Lives are just fine…. there may be a pattern developing here, no?

I mention lobbying because it is the only profession mentioned in the Constitution. It’s right there in the First Amendment. “…the right of the people to peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances” shall not be abridged.

Look it up. Get back to me.

Kevin Smith

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

December 10, 2017

“Mayor” Commissioner Beam Furr
115 S. Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Climate Change, “settled science”, and why do modern American Liberals always want more power? Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel

“Mayor” Commissioner Furr,

Pop Quiz
What ended the last Ice Age?
Global Warming. Honest. You could look it up.

Speaking of “settled science”, Ptolemy’s version of the universe was “settled” for 15 centuries. What “unsettled” it? Hint. Google Galileo.

Since we all know that sea levels are rising – Think stone crabs cavorting in the Sawgrass Mall by next June – do you have Plan B for dealing with dropping water front property values and the concomitant drop in tax revenues? Do you think mortgage applicants should be apprised of the certain risk of their indentured property becoming a manatee refuge? Why should the Feds insure water front property?

Other than being compared to the world’s tallest midget or the 3rd largest non-commercial building in Wichita, what does the “Mayor” of Broward County do?

Kevin Smith

PS – I know life ain’t easy for a boy named Sue. How about Beam?
December 10, 2017

Former Mayor Barbara Sharief
Broward County Commission
115 S. Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Some comments on your earth-shattering mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Former Mayor Sharief,

If it wasn’t a misprint or sabotage, you are in danger of having your epaulets ripped off and your name being struck from the rolls of the “I Love Margaret Sanger and Dr. Mengele Amazon Brigade”.

You say that pregnancy is to be included in the Broward County Human Rights Act as a protected status.

Logic would dictate that you must begin to condemn abortion in as loud a voice as you have. Since 35% to 40% of all the abortions performed in this country since 1973 have been done on Black women there is also the genocide factor to consider. The force of law is on your side.

You go, girl!

Kevin Smith

December 10, 2017

Mayor Mike Ryan
City Hall
10770 West Oakland Park Blvd.
Sunrise, FL 33351

RE: The people have spoken, the reptiles – Some comments on your mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel

Mr. Mayor,

Do remember Sheriff Kenneth the Short? He backed a referendum that would have made him Mayor for Life. His first act would have been to invade and occupy Palm Beach.
And when he picked up more Black Hawk helicopters he and his Praetorian Guard would have taken over the Bahamas.

In a fit of common sense, something not commonly found in Broward County the paradigmatic template of modern American Liberalism, the people said nyet to his skinny little tight ass. In a fit of pique, he turned to a life of crime and went to prison.

Speaking of the populi voxing, the “deplorable” electors voted overwhelmingly against same-sex marriage, remember?

Maybe the next time an important question is on the ballot all votes should be made public.

Kevin Smith

Saturday, December 9, 2017

December 6, 2017

Michael Putney
The Miami Herald

RE: Specifically, all hail the Bramans for funding an art museum in Miami. Universally, all hail dead rich White guys for funding all sorts of good stuff.


A digression of sorts, one that takes me back to Bayonne.

I am without a phone or computer since Monday afternoon. And when was the last time you heard Spiro Agnew being cited in other than damning terms? It was he who was on the receiving end of a technological SNAFU approaching FUBAR when he declaimed “the perversity of inanimate objects” as the culprit.

The uptick is that I went back – temporarily – to newspapers. The Sun Sentinel is  D to D+ while the Herald is making progress to being B-.

And there you were praising the Bramans for spending their money on things other than undrowning polar bears, supporting the right to arm bears, 4th trimester abortions, and finding miracles attributable to Wide-Bottomed Hillary. 

Which brings me back to Bayonne.

I grew up thinking all libraries were as big and beautiful as mine was. As I grew older it became majestic. This was not a “shovel ready” job, financed by mendacious Mandarins. [Speaking of Chinese money-lending, Hillary spent her entire time in the Senate raling against borrowing money from the Chinese. When she was confirmed as Secretary of State she filled a plane with Monica Lewinsky wanabees to convince the same wily Orientals to continue to do so.] It was built and paid for by Andrew Carnegie.

Back from Holy Cross and into the land of counterpane
but my electronic escape routes have been restored

Thank God for wretched excess! Thank God he made it, kept it, and then gave it away.
One of the physicians who treated me today has a daughter at Vanderbilt. I told him to offer a minor te deum for dead rich White guys.

Caitlin the Fair, my eldest granddaughter, is on the Dean’s List at SCAD. And she had 3 5 credit courses! She has had several big sales. Maybe you could use your considerable juice to slip her into the not quite starving student section of the new museum.


PS – Leonard Pitts, who use to be one of my favorite polemicists, has devolved into a “one tool fits all” polemicist. Since his tool is a hammer, everything must be a nail. His universal nail is race with all its divers diverse diversions and divisions