Saturday, May 30, 2009

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

May 29, 2009

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
The State Department
2201 C Street NW
Washington, DC 20520


Madame Secretary,

It’s been a busy few months.

I know that politics make strange bedfellows. You spent the last 5 years in the Senate lecturing us on the evils of clever Chinamen buying our treasury debt. About an hour and a half after you are sworn in you fill a 747 with Monica Lewinsky wanabees to “convince” the Gang of 400 to buy more.

Remember when you and Mrs. Arafat swapped spit in that famous tonsil hockey photo. In hindsight it must have been an interesting conversation what with both of you being married to pigs. Now you have to walk back all that merde you fed to the Jewish voters because it is soon to be dreck. If only you could convince the Israelis to get out of Israel life would be easier for you. How many could fit into Gitmo? I don’t the Arabic word for trayfe but the diet would stay the same. “They are a far away people of whom we know little” worked for Neville Chamberlain when he spoke about the Czechs, remember?

Maybe you could get Jimmy Carter to cast his magic spell on the gomers in North Korea. He helped your husband, didn’t he? He would do no less for another Democratic President, right?

But that’s not why I write.

Today is the 56th anniversary of Edmund Hillary climbing Mount Everest. Since you were named after him you can be no more than 56 years of age.

Your biography says that you are older.

It’s a small thing.

It may have been addressed before.

Why do you think the Israelis or the North Koreans will believe anything you say on things diplomatic if you don’t tell the truth about your age?





I say this most emphatically in the spirit of empathy. I have been a big fan of yours since you managed to get the hicks in Arkansas to buy land through a time sales contract. No sense muddying up the waters with a mortgage. Who knows what could happen if you had to plead your case in front of a judge. “Equity”. What “equity”?

Your handling of the Ricky Ray Rector case impressed me greatly. I am sure the rumor of you offering to give him a lap dance while he sat in the electric chair to keep him quiet is just that.

Think good thoughts about Nepal.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Janet and Barbara

May 16, 2009

If Miss California has store bought yabbos is it OK to ask where Mad Carlotta Pelosi get her brow from? The answer is yes and, by the way, there is no sense in being just slightly ad hominem.

Either a ginormous SUY with racing slicks ran over her face a few times or about a dozen junkie ACORN organizers spiked about 2 quarts of industrial strength Botox into her forehead. She reminds me of the orange juice guy in “Trading Places”. He struck a blow for animal rights by donning a gorilla suit to calm the breast of a savage beast. Since his mouth was taped shut all you could see were his eyes doing a dance that would have made a Dervish WOG envious.

Speaking of physical appearances won’t somebody please do something about Senator Barbara Mikulski? Is that woman butt ugly or what? There aren’t enough lamb chops in a normal COSTCO to tie around her neck to make a mutt play with her.

Incidentally, I have been searching for a lost tape featuring Little Babs for as long as O.J. Simpson has been searching for the real killers of his wife.

It supposedly shows Attorney General Janet Reno wearing only an eye patch. She is carrying Cabinet Secretary Donna Shalala on her shoulder. She is wearing a demure parrot costume. They would have a nocturnal gamboling session in the DC Tidal Basin looking for, as the Brits would say, “rough trade”. They would be joined by Senator Mikulski holding a begging cup. She would be at the end of a leash held by the Attorney General of the United States. [As an aside, and before memories dim, let it be remembered that Ms. Reno began her illustrious Federal career by charbroiling some 7 dozen of the fellow citizens at Waco. Ms. Shalala’s best line from her time as a member of President Clinton’s cabinet was “we will all die of AIDS in 10 years”. She said that in 1995.] Senator Mikulski, needing neither makeup nor costume, would come directly from the floor of the Senate, yelling “the fleet’s in. Set up the Viagra iv”.

Talk about scary sights!

That got more guys into rehab than a dozen DUIs and a few nights in the DC lockup.

Speaking of Perez Hilton…didn’t he used to work for Congressman Barney Frank, AKA “The Qween of Bayonne Wump Wanglers”, when Barney was running a male only whore house in his basement.?

As Churchill said, “He’s a man who gives sodomy a bed name”. I am sure he wouldn’t mind if I altered it to read “Those are men who give sodomy a bad name”.





Before she became the Senator from California does any one remember when she was Congresswoman Barbara Boxer? There is a photo of her walking up the Capitol stairs to protest the nomination of Judge Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. For a small woman she has a rather ample ass. She was scratching it like there were four eels mating in her Spandex. I don’t know whether or not they were practicing safe sex but it looked to me like she was greasing the skids, so to speak.

I’ll pay top dollar for that picture.

Speaking of asses why hasn’t someone commented on Michele Obama’s backside? About five more pounds per cheek and she’ll have, as the late Alan Coren used to say in Punch when he was commenting on Miss Uganda, “a bum you could set a ashtray on”.

Maybe she could do some liposuction on them. She could go back to the homeless shelter with some Obama tushmush for the “victims of life’s circumstances” that she fed ever so discretely last week.

Cabinet Secretary Janet Napolitano could use some help also. She looks like she is still pissed off since the gym teacher gave her deodorant because she said Right Guard when asked what she wanted to do in gym class. She meant football; he meant personal hygiene.

OOPS!

Let me take that one back.

“The wish of the Princess has the force of law.”

She could make it more of a nightmare getting through an airport.

If it works for Miss California why not for those beauties? Collectively they have faces that would sink a thousand ships. Plus, a few of them could double for the Wooden Horse.

Congressman Ron Klein

May 23, 2009

Congressman Ron Klein
800 East Broward Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Which is it?

Congressman Klein,

Speaker Pelosi, your leader, a member of Congress for whom you twice voted to be Speaker, has said the CIA lied to her in particular and to the Congress in general. She has provided neither proof nor has she referred the matter to the Justice Department.

Now she says that she will no longer speak about it.

Either she lied or the CIA lied.

Which do you think it is?

As a constituent I would appreciate the courtesy of a reply.

Senator Bill Nelson

May 23, 2009

Senator Bill Nelson
3416 South University Drive
Davie, Florida 32207

RE: 2 things

Senator Nelson,

#1 – It seems that the Gomers in North Korea are up to their old tricks. Doubtless this was caused by 8 years of Bush/Cheney. May I suggest that you do whatever it takes to get Jimmy Carter over there? Remembering how well he did when Bill Clinton was President I am sure another Democratic President will be delighted to have him there.

#2 – I don’t know if anyone has told you but he tossed you under his bus yesterday. He said the reason why the vote against releasing WOG terrorists in this country was because of “fear mongering”. Since I have heard no objection from you I must assume that it is true.

My question is simple.

Would you tell me how many other votes you have cast because of “fear mongering”?

Miss California

May 16, 2009

If Miss California has store bought yabbos is it OK to ask where Mad Carlotta Pelosi get her brow from? The answer is yes and, by the way, there is no sense in being just slightly ad hominem.

Either a ginormous SUY with racing slicks ran over her face a few times or about a dozen junkie ACORN organizers spiked about 2 quarts of industrial strength Botox into her forehead. She reminds me of the orange juice guy in “Trading Places”. He struck a blow for animal rights by donning a gorilla suit to calm the breast of a savage beast. Since his mouth was taped shut all you could see were his eyes doing a dance that would have made a Dervish WOG envious.

Speaking of physical appearances won’t somebody please do something about Senator Barbara Mikulski? Is that woman butt ugly or what? There aren’t enough lamb chops in a normal COSTCO to tie around her neck to make a mutt play with her.

Incidentally, I have been searching for a lost tape featuring Little Babs for as long as O.J. Simpson has been searching for the real killers of his wife.

It supposedly shows Attorney General Janet Reno wearing only an eye patch. She is carrying Cabinet Secretary Donna Shalala on her shoulder. She is wearing a demure parrot costume. They would have a nocturnal gamboling session in the DC Tidal Basin looking for, as the Brits would say, “rough trade”. They would be joined by Senator Mikulski holding a begging cup. She would be at the end of a leash held by the Attorney General of the United States. [As an aside, and before memories dim, let it be remembered that Ms. Reno began her illustrious Federal career by charbroiling some 7 dozen of the fellow citizens at Waco. Ms. Shalala’s best line from her time as a member of President Clinton’s cabinet was “we will all die of AIDS in 10 years”. She said that in 1995.] Senator Mikulski, needing neither makeup nor costume, would come directly from the floor of the Senate, yelling “the fleet’s in. Set up the Viagra iv”.

Talk about scary sights!

That got more guys into rehab than a dozen DUIs and a few nights in the DC lockup.

Speaking of Perez Hilton…didn’t he used to work for Congressman Barney Frank, AKA “The Qween of Bayonne Wump Wanglers”, when Barney was running a male only whore house in his basement.?

As Churchill said, “He’s a man who gives sodomy a bed name”. I am sure he wouldn’t mind if I altered it to read “Those are men who give sodomy a bad name”.





Before she became the Senator from California does any one remember when she was Congresswoman Barbara Boxer? There is a photo of her walking up the Capitol stairs to protest the nomination of Judge Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. For a small woman she has a rather ample ass. She was scratching it like there were four eels mating in her Spandex. I don’t know whether or not they were practicing safe sex but it looked to me like she was greasing the skids, so to speak.

I’ll pay top dollar for that picture.

Speaking of asses why hasn’t someone commented on Michele Obama’s backside? About five more pounds per cheek and she’ll have, as the late Alan Coren used to say in Punch when he was commenting on Miss Uganda, “a bum you could set a ashtray on”.

Maybe she could do some liposuction on them. She could go back to the homeless shelter with some Obama tushmush for the “victims of life’s circumstances” that she fed ever so discretely last week.

Cabinet Secretary Janet Napolitano could use some help also. She looks like she is still pissed off since the gym teacher gave her deodorant because she said Right Guard when asked what she wanted to do in gym class. She meant football; he meant personal hygiene.

OOPS!

Let me take that one back.

“The wish of the Princess has the force of law.”

She could make it more of a nightmare getting through an airport.

If it works for Miss California why not for those beauties? Collectively they have faces that would sink a thousand ships. Plus, a few of them could double for the Wooden Horse.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Corporal Leonard W. Putnam

May 25, 1945 – May 25, 2009

“They fell with their faces to the foe.”

He was a 42 year old piano salesman from Jersey City, New Jersey.
He was married to my wife’s great aunt. They had no children.

“There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.”

He was killed by a Japanese mortar shell on Okinawa.

“They shall not grow old,
As we that are left grow old.”

His scroll, signed by the President of the United States, has been on my
Wall since 1970 lest his name be forgotten, reads

“He stands in the unbroken like of patriots who dared to die
That freedom may live, and grow, and increase its blessings.
Freedom lives, and through it he lives –
In a way that humbles the undertakings of most men.”

Let free men everywhere lift a glass to the memory of

Corporal Leonard W. Putnam

“As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.”

Saturday, May 16, 2009

NC State Senator Marc Basnicht

May 13, 2009

State Senator Marc Basnicht
16 West Jones Street
Raleigh, North Carolina 27601-2818

RE: Plastic, Logic, and a well and truly earned award

Senator Basnicht,

Enclosed is a piece of plastic. I am sending it to you because of your desire to legislate plastic out of existence. Since you are the point man for this leap through the looking glass you must know what to do with the leftovers. I entrust you with the task of giving it, if not a Christian burial, a respectful secular humanist internment.

It would seem to me that the equal protection parts of the Constitution, the ones that your state took violent exception to a few year back, would compel you, Logically, to include all plastic stuff, things, and impedimenta. I assume that if you could see how much plastic is used in hospitals you would be quite beside yourself. After your rid your state of plastic bags and plastic syringes turn your attention to PCV pipe. It is obvious that Halliburton in a cabal with home builders, plumbers, and right-wing radio are polluting your state with…with…plastic pipes. I daresay that unless you live in a shack 50 miles from Asheville making shine and fricasseeing road kill your house is surrounded be PVC pipe. Logically you must tear it our.

Because of the above proposed legislation and because you appear to be a rational adult although one who is possessed of ca-ca for brains I hereby name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

The two other awards for which you may qualify are POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH and SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR. The standards are much higher but it’s only the middle of May. If part of your district is in Buncombe County, a great name in American politics, I will add oak leaf clusters to your award. In anticipation of a plastic free world ruled by boobs like you I remain, as always, forever green.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

May 8, 2009

For 7 decades I’ve lived with Climate Change.

Tony Vivaldi, the noted Italian climatologist, noticed and highlighted it almost 4 centuries ago. He was the first person to note that Spring was followed by Summer. After that came Fall. Then came Winter. Every year. Climate Change writ large. Cambia di Clima was how he described it.

In the late ‘60s it was called Global Cooling. A world class fraud named Paul Ehrlich, speaking for the consensus of scientists, told us in 1970 that we would either starve to death or freeze to death before the year 2000. Would it be a hate crime for me to point out that the world is 5 months into the year 2009?

All of a sudden the consensus of scientists told us it was Global Warming. I confess to being part of the problem. After showering in the 1970s, and particularly in the glorious reign of Jimmy Carter, I would discharge some Right Guard out my bathroom window. The purpose was to endanger an already beleaguered ozone layer. Mount Pinatubo – remember? - reduced the destruction of said ozone layer and lowered the ambient temperature. Facts have never interfered with any argument put forth by mush brained modern American Liberals. Thus it was easy for another world class fraud, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA as Alpha Gump, AKA “Cementhead” to his Secret Service bodyguards, to speak for the consensus of scientists and warn us of impending doom. The only solution for us and him, particularly him now that his family lost their gravy train when Armand Hammer, bagman for the Kremlin, died was to buy his books and movies. All credit must go to his wife Thumper Gump and all the charming baby Gumpsters because the head Gumpster is dumber than dirt. His shoes have instructions that say “Toes in first”. For his 16th birthday he learned what to do with his thumbs. All of Washington rejoiced. His biggest academic accomplishment was flunking out of two graduates schools in one semester. It was natural for him to succeed as a modern American Liberal politician. He is like a head to toe prurigo that you want to scratch with a flame thrower. When he speaks he makes adults reach for the latest Borgia cocktail.

The intrusion of facts, hard things in the best of times, has caused the always reliable consensus of scientists to drop Global Warming in favor of Climate Change. I have a friend in Minnesota who tells me that Climate Change is a constant but a predictably unpredictable thing. Some people there have learned to profit from it. It’s an American thing to do.

One of the few highlights of the 7 years I spent on trial in United States Tax Court
was when I, as the petitioner, explained the function of price in calculating coal reserves. I told the Court that the number of tons in place was calculable. The variables of price and exiting technology based on that price made the number of recoverable tons a more moveable feast.

I instructed the Court, and I say “instructed” in the belief that “modesty is an overrated virtue”, that “If no profit is possible the risk is obvious” and, further

“If eggs go to $5 a dozen the rooster lays”

It was way of saying that whenever a commodity, any commodity, has an inordinate spike in price two things happen.

#1 - The marginal user stops consuming it.
#2 - New supplies come to the marketplace.

It is a self evident fact that the amount of coal in place hasn’t changed but the last ton, the marginal ton, could now be mined

That argument, a fusion of Logic, experience, and common sense fell on deaf ears.

In a world of supposedly finite resources, in a world that insists on eating its own intellectual seed corn, in a world where the chattering class tells us the solution to the problem of more dogs than bones is to decrease the number of dogs rather than increase the number of bones, in a world that makes despair a blessing, in a world that says the religious, cultural, and political legacy of Western Civilization is to be mocked comes a Page One story in the World Street Journal on April 30, 2009.

Free men, secure in the knowledge that the fruits of their labors will be theirs to dispose of as they see fit, bitch slapped Mother Nature again. Page One stories tell us of big things, good or bad, that will affect us in a profound manner.

The story about the success of the domestic natural gas discoveries uses numbers that are all but impossible to grasp. Two thousand two hundred trillion cubic feet – one hundred years usage at current consumption levels – has but one contemporary counterpart. It is the Federal Budget and the projected Federal Deficit.

[I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that when she was Senator Clinton she would warn us like a shrill Sunday School teacher that the Chinese were buying all our Treasury debt. She knew that those clever Chinamen were up to no good. She was Secretary of State for less than a week when she filled up a plane with Monica Lewinsky wanabees, and other patriots like Barney Frank to go to the Forbidden City to convince the wily Orientals to buy, buy, and buy all of our Treasury debt. But that is a tale for a different day.]

For 12 years I was an unpaid advisor to the Miami Herald on energy matters. My annual offering, always ignored, was the same year after year. #1 – Turn off the A/C at world HQ by Biscayne Bay. #2 – Drill a well 150 yards offshore from where said HQ sits. Good advice then; better advice now.

The Haynesville Shale, the Marcellus Shale, and the Barnett Shale have one thing in common.

Free men using their own money and employing technology that the consensus of scientists scoffed at 20/25 years ago will produce an amount of natural gas for which no adjectives are suitable. Biblical, Homeric, and Brobdanaglian were some of my favorite terms. They no longer apply. They are inadequate. Should Dr. Johnson return to update his dictionary he would need whole pages to describe the size of what they found.

In 1859, a hugely successful New England based cartel decided to raise the price of their scarce commodity from $2 to $6. 5 years later it was out of business. No longer were whales hunted for their oil which was used so Americans could read at night. Even then we were trying to increase our carbon footprint.

Coincidentally, in 1859, a man named Edwin Drake drilled a well in Pennsylvania despite what the consensus of scientists said. His discovery of hydrocarbons waiting there for 1000 millennia gave birth to the modern era of advancing civilization. One hundred and sixty years after his well came in if you think its net impact has been bad turn off you’re A/C this summer as a penance for 16 decades of profligacy.

It cost $10 per half ounce and took 3 weeks to send a letter by horseback not quite halfway across the country. A first class stamp costs 44 cents today. The service has improved marginally but the price surely has come down.

17 years ago, at his father’s funeral, a contract driller told me he was working on a Russian oilfield that was capable of producing 10,000,000 barrels of oil per day. It produces about 1,000,000. The geology hasn’t changed.

“American Exceptionalism” produced the atomic bomb in 43 months. The Russians stole it. The key to 10,000,000 barrels of oil per day is obvious. That’s why the Russians can’t steal it.

Somewhere out there are some mighty worried roosters.

Eugene Robinson, The Washington Post

May 5, 2009

Eugene Robinson
The Washington Post
1150 15th Street
Washington, D.C. 20071

RE: De morituis nil nisi…malum? – A different take on your Thanatoptic view of the shrouding of the Boston Globe.

Mr. Robinson,

#1 – Arthur Sulzberger, hereinafter referred to as “Little Dickhead” or as President for Life of the Lucky Sperm Club, is the best argument for an estate tax starting at 105%. The Kennedys are the best example of why it should be retroactive.

#2 – The purchase of the Boston Globe for one billion one hundred million dollars [that’s $1,100,000,000] by the New York Times was an act of lunacy. Until solipsism becomes a capital offense the twerp walks. Some real estate, aging printing presses, and some mailing lists for $1,100,000,000? Somewhere the ghosts of Graham and Dodd are laughing their 10Ks off. [As an aside, and in keeping with President Bambi’s call for shared sacrifice, don’t you think the sellers should “volunteer” to give back their ill gotten gains?]

#3 – You say “it’s almost impossible to think of Boston without the Globe”. Actually it isn’t. The town survived when the Boston Strangler got pinched. It managed to turn a rout – Bunker Hill – into a win. To make it even better they sat out the rest of the Revolutionary War. They have gotten away with that for more than 2 centuries. Boston thinks that it is a tuxedo and the rest of the world is made up of brown shoes.

You say it thinks of itself “as a modern day Athens”. May I suggest you add the codicil “at the end of the Peloponnesian War” to it to make it correct? Incidentally, it was Sparta, a decidedly Red State, that did most of the heavy lifting against the forefathers of today’s Iranians.

#4 – Only people infused with “non-malodorous fecal matter”, and if you’re not sure what that means you have it so send a SASE, believe that gravity can be defied if enough good people really, really want it. Alas, the Boston Globe produces a product that not enough people want to buy.

I marveled at Polaroid. My father drove a Hudson. I liked to read the New York Herald Tribune. I have some vinyl records. Has anybody heard from Bell & Howell lately? I’ve flown the Concorde. Cotton was King once, wasn’t it? Do you know where I can cash in my Green Stamps? When was the last time you used a Dictaphone? I dropped a can of New Coke on my last pair of Corfam shoes and it hurt the can. Do you think double knit leisure suits will ever come back? Back when Bobby Kennedy was counsel to Joe McCarthy it was fashionable not to testify before Congress. Did the accountants for the Times/Globe purchase all study the New Math? Why is a Republican deficit bad while a Democratic deficit is good? I never did figure out how Senator Jay Forbes Kerry got the city of Boston to move the fire hydrant in front of his house without leaving a paper trail but I know that you didn’t cover the story.

Can you see a pattern developing?

#5 – You say “smart, prudent management can buy precious time to figure this all out”. MacArthur said that all lost battles have the same explanation: “Too late, too late.”

Since Boston will be diminished by the loss of the Globe why not ask the Guild
to work for free? I’m sure the power company will stop charging for electricity once they understand the impact of a Globeless Boston.

Does it have a big parking lot? Think car washes. How about 50/50s? Cake sales? I raised a lot of money when I was a Cubmaster by selling first aid kits. How about setting up some tables at Fenway?

I know without investigating that the Globe holds Darwin in the highest regard. They should revel in the fact that move, adapt, or die is still in force.

#6 – There is some good news. The curse of the Bambino, a 20th Century reprise of the ills that befell the House of Atreus, is forever banned in Boston. Forget about the World Series. Take some consolation that you really stuck it to the nit-wits from New York.



PS – Talk about throwing an anchor to a drowning man! The New York Times just raised its daily newsstand price to $2. Why not raise yours to $3? Your net is sure to increase. Plus, you will decrease your carbon footprint.