Sunday, June 28, 2009

Congressman Ron Klein

June 28, 2009

Congressman Ron Klein
800 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Energy

Congressman Klein,

I am not asking you why you voted for the President’s energy bill.

All that I am asking is whether or not you read the final bill before you voted for it.

The courtesy of a reply is not anticipated. I remain, unresponded to but still


Your persistent Constituent,

Fred Grimm, The Miami Herald

June 28, 2009

Fred Grimm
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Don’t assume – It makes an ass out of you. A comment on your column in today’s Miami Herald

Mr. Grimm,

“I always assumed that the one positive aspect of a hurricane,
however awful, would be an instant jolt of economic
stimulus from insurance checks.”
Today
You

After Hurricane Cheney levels Florida and most of Georgia do you think you could get Mount Saint Helen to take out most of the Pacific Northwest? What’s the best way to get locusts to “dewheat” Kansas?

I’ve been asking the Miami Herald since 1997 to turn of its air conditioning. Someone must be first in the fight to save the planet. Alas, you never did. As punishment for this manatees will become man eaters. Think how many jobs that will create. We could get Celebrity Death Matches between manatees and alligators. The winner gets to take on a 23 foot anaconda fresh out of the Everglades National Swamp. The Miccosukees could promote it. Think HBO. It could end dog and cock fighting.

As the paradigmatic template for ink stained modern American Liberals you fall, as your station says you must, for the faulty reasoning of the “Broken Window” theory. [The people who believe this also believe that wage and price controls work. They also believe that the surest way to end poverty is to raise the minimum wage. The government’s experience running the Post Office will enable them to take over health care flawlessly. They know that, History notwithstanding, this time raising taxes will raise revenue, create jobs, “level the playing field”, and will make everybody play well with others. Honest Injun.] Listen closely.

Your child breaks your neighbor’s window
You call the glazier to replace it.
He buys a window from his wholesaler.
He hires someone to replace it.
On the way to the job the workman buys lunch.
Your neighbor is so happy that he invites your family to dinner.
You reciprocate buy buying him a case of beer and his wife some flowers.
He tips the delivery boy.
The boy pays for his mother’s life saving operation.
Lord Barack the Beneficent, when he learns of this, orders Kristallnacht.
The economy revives in 6 weeks.
We tell the Chinese that we don’t need their money.
The Chinese, desperate to keep our business, quiet the North Koreans.
Osama bin Laden becomes a peripatetic Jehovah’s Witness.
Ahmadinijad changes his name to Katz and becomes a lawyer.
Jews and Arabs bury the hatchet and not in the other’s head.
Les Merdes from Quebec become civil.

All this from breaking one window. Perhaps we should have a window breaking Czar? I have to go now. I am going to break a lot of windows. I want to “give something back to my country”. Next week’s lesson will be on how rainy streets cause umbrellas to bloom.

It may be time for another great idea from someone else from Bayonne. You may not remember Fred Bastiat. He wanted to pass legislation to ban windows so his friend the candle maker would prosper. Then down side to this is that if you don’t have any windows you can’t break them. If we can’t break the windows we can’t get out of the mess we find ourselves in. What should we do?

“Don’t make me decide”, wails Homer Simpson.






PS – Ice Ages take too long. Do you suppose we could get the NORKs to nuke the San Andreas Fault? Think of the jobs that would “create”. Did Michael Jackson come back from the dead this morning? Think how many jobs that would “create”.

Michael Mayo, The Sun-Sentinel

June 25, 2009

Michael Mayo
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33316

RE: FPL, customer service, and if a greedy company, a company like Florida Power and Light can’t run its business so that its customers are satisfied why do you think the United States Government - Read Post Office – can run health care? A trip to the wood shed review of your column in today’s Sun-Sentinel.

Mr. Mayo,

Logic, unlike Economics, is neither a “dismal science” nor is it a parabolic curve. As an integral part of the Trivium it is one of the essential building blocks of – Dare I say it? – Western Civilization.

Usually it is best to have some decent potables close at hand and in a congenial environment when discussing Logic. Alas, I have found that modern American Liberals, people who substitute feelings for ideas, people who judge on expectations but never on results, are unsuited for saloon encounters. Maybe they lack the congeniality gene.

I’ll write slowly. Try to follow the bouncing ball.

You write that Steven Carbone, a customer of FPL who had no choice in picking them as a power provider, was without power for 17 hours on Tuesday and Wednesday. You cite this as a reason to deny FPL’s no doubt rapacious request for a rate increase.

You report, apparently correctly, that FPL reported an increase of profits from $107 million to $127 million. You write that Mr. Carbone thinks that FPL is skimping on maintenance. The proof cited is that he “lived in a lot of places and always saw power crews checking lines and doing maintenance”.

You conclude by saying that Standard & Poor has a “strong buy” recommendation of FPL partly because, as you say, “Florida regulators don’t stand in the way of utilities from making big bucks, even in the toughest of times for everyone else”.

It is like getting an off speed chest batting practice pitch. If I am not careful I’ll over swing.



[Speaking of “tough times for everybody else” I am sure you know that 495 employees of Hav-A-Tampa will soon be unemployed because of the increased tax on cigars. Is there any chance of them hooking up with some Stimulus money to help them pay their FPL bills? How about retraining them to make anti-smoking patches or nicotine gum? Although he would not have uses the above as an example Richard Weaver was right when he said “Ideas Have Consequences”]

Would it be safe to infer that if, by your reasoning, FPL’s profits had gone from $127 million to $107 million Mr. Carbone would not have lost power? If he had lost power and profits were down would his electricity been restored quicker? Do we reach a perfect equilibrium when profits and losses are in absolute balance? Does that guarantee no power outages?

Please tell Mr. Carbone, regardless of how many places he has lived, that correlation is not causation. Further, while it may be truthful in one instance, you cannot construct a universal from a particular. To do so is an invalid construct.

The fact that a Governor of Arkansas becomes President and then perjured himself cannot be used to say that all Governors of Arkansas will perjure themselves should they be elected President.

You conclude by saying that S&P has a “strong buy” recommendation of FPL partly because, as you say, “Florida regulators don’t stand in the way of utilities making bug bucks, even in the toughest of times for everybody else”.

Even though you work for a bankrupt company have you followed through on my request to distribute the paper for free in the poorest zip codes that you serve? It would be like a reverse “red line”. Has your company extended any benefits to the gallant matadors who sell your paper in the busy intersections? “Tough times” would be tougher for them.

Forgive me, but you seem to believe that the biggest problem facing American society is that bad things happen when and if a company makes too much money. I am sure there are some people involved with GM and Chrysler who would have a different view of that. I can tell you that, like Mr. Carbone, I have worked in many places. Two things are empirically self evident. #1 – I have never been hired by a poor person. #2 – If the Boss Man loses money he stops paying you.

Cuba, the paragon of customer service, the paradigmatic template of how to run things, has eliminated profit from running their utilities. The result of 50 years of following the hugely successful Bulgarian model is there is no power on Sunday mornings. At least the people there can console themselves with the fact that nobody has any power. As opposed to, as Churchill said, the unequal sharing of plenty there is an equal sharing of misery.




Am I overreaching with comparison to Cuba? No, not at all. Modern American liberals constantly hector us with tales of “slippery slopes” and “chilling effects”. Samuel Gompers was one of the great defenders of profits. He knew that the more the employer made the more the employee would be paid. Why is that so deuced difficult to understand?

You are “leading the fight” – a favorite term of modern American Liberals – against profits be they obscene, salacious, or ribald. The problem is that you don’t define it. You rail against them being too much without telling us what “too much” is. Are you suggesting that the common weal would be better served if there were no profits, particularly in “tough times”?

I just know that you would be in favor of raising the minimum wage in “tough times”. That way those at the bottom of the economic ladder would be unemployed at a higher rate. That is offensive to Logic. A wage can’t be “living” if it isn’t paid. Further, if profits drop precipitously the last one out the door gets to turn the lights out.

“Hoist on one’s own petard”, a decidedly non-Logical term, would be apt.

All this on one of the anniversaries that modern American Liberals so admire. The noble Red Man did in the Round Eyed Pale Face. Today is the day that Custer died for our sins.

The next lesson will be on Rhetoric.





PS – Is there any truth to the rumor that you will be leading a Clifford Odets symposium? If so, count me in. “All them corn fields and ballet at night”, to quote that legendary British labor leader Fred Kite.

Dave Hyde, The Sun-Sentinel

June 28, 2009

Dave Hyde
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33316

RE: What did they do?

Mr. Hyde,

In your article about the former Dolphin, Edwin Newman, who is now a Florida Judge you made 3 references that need some fleshing out. They cannot pass unchallenged. Some things are owed to the ledger.

“There were bigger fights in that time:
Muhammed Ali passing on the Vietnam War;
Arthur Ashe taking on apartheid;
Billie Jean King fighting for equal pay for women.”
Today
You

#1 – While Ali “passed on the Vietnam War” the country didn’t. After Johnson doubled down but didn’t go all in on Vietnam the country elected him in a landslide in 1964. The country didn’t like the way the war was being fought in 1968 so they elected Nixon who said he would fight it better. He won 49 states in 1972. The only Logical inference that can be drawn from that in a Democracy is that the country approved of the way he was fighting the war. As to student protests it is an inconvenient truth that when the draft was called off the protest stopped. Look it up.

#2 – I had breakfast with an author of a book about apartheid. The book cost $35. I told him that since I knew he was against it I would save myself $35. Other than not playing there – Did they have tournaments there? – what exactly did Arthur Ashe do to “take on apartheid”? If memory serves he was criticized by more vocal activists for not being vocal enough.

Speaking of “taking on” things were there any other Second Lieutenants in the United States Army from 1966 to 1968 who never advanced one rank? Were there any other Second Lieutenants in the United States Army from 1966 to 1968 who never served in Vietnam?

Just asking.






#3 – Billie Jean King’s biggest payday came when she played a man almost 30 years older than she was. Why didn’t she play Arthur Ashe or Stan Smith? Why doesn’t she lace up her Nikes and take on Federer, the age difference being roughly the same as when she played Bobby Riggs? If that’s not good how about getting Sampras out of retirement? If that doesn’t fly how about Connors or McEnroe?

Why not have the Wimbledon Champions – Men & Women - play for all or nothing?

You said that Billie Jean King fought for equal pay for women.

What the Hell could be more equal than that?

State Senator Dan Gelber

June 21, 2009

State Senator Dan Gelber
1920 Meridian Avenue
Miami Beach, Florida 33139-1818

RE: The accursed FCATs, dollars spent on education, you can’t choose your relatives, and why hypocrisy smells so bad particularly when it comes from people suffering from terminal “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. Questions about that? SASE. A different take on your Op-Ed piece in this morning’s Miami Herald.

Senator Gelber,

What a marvelous column!

You begin by saying that you are “a parent with 3 kids in public school”. You should have included that you are an elected official. Further, you are a modern American Liberal. Elected Democrats have an additional burden – cognitive dissonance may be apropos – of cheerleading for public schools, for teachers’ unions, for multicultural education, for diversity training, and always, always for more, more, and yet more money, for all the claptrap about self esteem, while the majority of them send their kids to private schools. I’ll get back to that later.

You mention your “friend, Janet Reno”. Your citing of her quote about under nourished dogs is typical in that it requires neither thought nor reflection. Speaking of things canine I prefer Samuel Johnson’s quote about women preaching and dogs walking on their hind legs. “It’s not a matter of how well they do it but, rather, why do they do it all.”

Janet Reno was at the state and Federal level a terrible prosecutor. Beyond terrible she was fatally incompetent in that some good guys, guys with badges and guns, died because of it. Her incompetence at the local level was legendary. Ask the thin blue line; ask the men who regularly saw the elephant how she was then. The only reason she got to the Federal level – Recall that she was choice #3 – was that she had, on close examination, the only thing that Czarina Hillary demanded of any candidate. She had a uterus.

She began her illustrious Federal career by charbroiling some 7 dozen of her fellow citizens. That was the high point of her time in Washington. It fell to former Vice President Alpha Gump to put an exclamation point on her career when he yammered on and on and on and on about “There is no controlling legal authority”. That after she decided that fine line between law and justice would not be breached on her watch. The world wonders when she will comment on the pardons for sale at the White House as the new President was sworn in.

But enough about her.


My favorite memory of the New York States Regents Exam is 11th grade Latin. The only time Caesar’s 10th Legion ever lost was at the end of my junior year. Damn that Aeneas!

You end by saying that we must “stop drinking the Kool-Aid”. Your definition of Kool-Aid is that Florida doesn’t spend enough per pupil on education. If that is the case why isn’t Washington, D.C. graduating Nobel Prize winners? At the very least there should be a dozen Pulitzers each year at Eastern High School and at Anacostia High School. No place in the universe spends more per pupil than Washington, D.C. The amount of Federal dollars that they extort from the Congress is on par with the amount, per capita, that the farmers get for not growing food. The public school system in Washington, D.C. gets money for not teaching students. And we thought Bernie Madoff ruined a lot of lives.

Is that why Lord Barack the Ben chose not to send his daughters to the very richly endowed public school system in Washington, D.C.? If you send your 3 kids to public schools in Miami Beach why can’t he send his kids to public school in Washington?

If we scrap the FCATs how about scrapping the Florida Bar Exam? If empathy is to be a deciding factor in confirming candidates for the Supreme Court why should it count for less on the state level? Certainly life experiences should, particularly those gained in less than ideal circumstances, should at least as much as knowledge of torts, of property, of contracts, of bills of attainder, of letters of marque and reprisal, of material misrepresentation by omission or commission --- things like that. Would not the criminal Bar and a sense of Rawlsian justice be better served if a number of slots be reserved for criminals representing alleged criminals?

I think I may have found a job for “your friend, Janet Reno”. Put her in charge of disemboweling the FCATs and making the Florida Bar exam fairer, nicer, and more empathetic.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Florida update

Amy, AKA “Grammy” to our Texas ladies, took her wedding ring off for the first time since 1965. She is soon to be operated on for endometrial cancer and, possibly, breast cancer. Stay tuned.

Monday, June 22, 2009

June 19, 1953 -- June 19, 2009

June 19, 1953 -- June 19, 2009

Let us pause to mark the anniversary of the executions of the Rosenbergs for treason.
Will someone please check to make sure that those two bastards are still in their graves?

Congressman William Lacy Clay

June 19, 2009

Congressman William Lacy Clay
625 North Euclid Street #286
St. Louis, MO 63108

RE: Apologizing for slavery and tossing in some reparations also.

Congressman Clay,

“I am a reparations man.”

I’m with you on that.

My forebears were the first people in History to end slavery in their country. Not just free some slaves but, rather, free all the slaves.

On July 2, 1863 my grandfather’s uncle, a member of the Irish Brigade, AKA “The Fighting 69th”, marched into the Wheat Field at Gettysburg. Doubtless, the band was playing “Garryowen”. I hope the bullet that got him was a head shot. That way he would have been dead before he hit the ground. He is still there “wrapped in faded coat of blue”.

While the pump is still flowing get as much dough as you can. What’s a few more trillion dollars? While you have a chance to fart through silk do it. And do it before the Chinese cancel our credit card.

While you are sending a bill to the American people you may wish to see if you can get some dough from others involved in slavery. Arabs living in East Africa provided the finance, the protection, and the transport allowing the market to flourish. Perhaps their centuries old template – It is still working in at least 5 countries in Africa – was the model that the Mafia adopted. Certainly their Islamic descendants should pay their fair share, don’t you think?

Do you think that I, as a descendant of someone who fought and died to end slavery, could get a carry forward tax credit? Just a small one as I am perpetually in “disfavor with fortune and men’s eyes”.

Two other things:

#1 – Your website says that you “led the fight” against the KuKluxKlan trying to prevent the naming of part of Interstate 55 after Rosa Parks. Were there any casualties on the scale of Antietam or The Wilderness in that fight? Speaking of casualties, the Union Army had 50,000 casualties in June of 1864. It had 50,000 casualties in July of 1864. It had 50,000 in August of 1864. Then it got tough. I think a proclamation honoring General Sherman, the architect of the first successful “surge”, the man who shortened the war by
18 months thereby freeing the slaves that much quicker, is in order. Also, would you “lead the fight” against the Nazis marching through Skokie, Illinois or would you “lead the fight” in favor of them marching?

#2 – Illinois triggered a reaction to your website. It shows you with the St. Louis Arch in a western background. The only way that picture could have been taken would be if you were in Illinois. Whatever else ACORN has done it has – so far – been unable to have one Congressman represent 2 districts in 2 different states. Could it be a hint of things to come?

Beth Reinhard, The Miami Herald

June 20, 2009

Beth Reinhard
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33316-1693

RE: Unknown Senators, Big name endorsements, Making English the official language, and when will Carrie “Big Mama” Meek endorse Kendrick “Sonny Boy” Meek for Senator? A different view, perhaps a bit more snarky of your column in this morning’s Miami Herald.

Ms. Reinhard,

Of course I heard of Senator DeMint. I know a lot about Senators. I did volunteer work for Senator Harrison Williams in1964. He was a big supporter of mass transit. He got, as they still say in Hudson County, “jammed up with the Feds and went inside” Hey! Nobody’s perfect, right?

Do you suppose that Senator Burris or Senator Dodd will be making any appearances for candidates in Florida? Senator Burris is a product of Cook County politics. So is Lord Barack the Beneficent. Senator Dodd has the distinction of being the first candidate for the United States Senate to lie directly to my face.

You criticize Mario Rubio because Senator DeMint favors making English the official language. [Funny, but I thought that “secondary boycotts” were illegal.] It is empirically self evident that that English must be the official language, that is to say the language of contracts and laws. Yugoslavia is the obvious example of what happens when multicultural lunacies are indulged. When fuzzy thinking wing nut moonbats, AKA modern American Liberals – South Florida coven - advocate the opposite it is the wish fulfillment of a desire for chaos. Please, gentle lady, don’t think ill of me as Senator Barbara “Boom Boom” Boxer did with the General.

To wit, a Spanish speaker buys a house from a French-Canadian. The mortgage is held by a Haitian lender whose attorney was born in Surinam. The title agent thinks he sees a defect and the closing is delayed. It goes before a Judge who speaks only Chinese. Who says vaudeville is dead?

I don’t whether Farsi or Fartsy is the official language of Iran. I know that a lot of brave ladies held up their purple stained fingers and signs that said “Where’s my vote”? And, yes, the sign was in English.

Speaking of endorsements…Do you think Alex Sink wants one from her former boss? You remember Hootie Johnson, don’t you? He is the misogynistic red necked snake handling gun toting bible clinging peckerhead who vowed to burn down the Augusta National Golf Club before he let any chickies play in the Masters. Do we know



if he ever played grab ass with her? Did she have to fetch coffee for him? Did she book his flights when he went to the male only “Gotta Pee? Use the tree” Bohemian Grove club? His endorsement would carry a lot of weight with me and some of my Apeneck friends.

Finally, is there a scheduled date for former Congresswoman Carrie Meek to make her choice in the Democratic primary for Senate? Just kidding, just kidding. As the grand dame of the first Black Florida Kennedy wanabee political factory she’s going to come out swinging for Junior. Now that he has learned what to do with his thumbs there’s no stopping him.



PS – There is a rumor that the Feds are looking at Mayor Stacy Ritter for tax evasion. She was an early supporter of Lord Barack, Blessed be his name. Do you think he’ll put a call in for her? Apparently Michelle, the Lord Obama’s main line lady, got the Feds to back off on the case against the Mayor of Sacramento. I mean he gave back $400,000. I hate to see good guys get jammed up with the Feds.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Beth Reinhard, The Miami Herald

June 15, 2009

Beth Reinhard
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1763

RE: Redistricting – Your Page 1 editorial-lite this morning about the horror, the horror of the people choosing particularly if they choose the wrong thing.

Ms. Reinhard,

If, as you say, “the amendments represent the Democratic party’s best hope for loosening the GOP stranglehold” why should voters who favor the GOP support it?

If, as you say, “an unlikely alliance between African-American Democrats and Republicans forced the 1992 redistricting map that helped elect Florida’s first black members since Reconstruction and paved the way for the GOP takeover of the legislature…” why should African Americans re-route the very successful bus route they now control? How else would Florida’s favorite felon, Alcee Hastings, ever gotten to Congress? In the name of civil wrongs and civil rights a district was carved f out that would have elected OJ Simpson. Congresswoman Carrie Meek, and who says we can’t learn from the North Koreans, willed her seat to her son without dying.

The shrieking of altruists notwithstanding it would seem to that both parties have benefited from the arrangement. Both recognized that each other’s rational self interest did note interfere with theirs. Exactly what is the problem?

The language of the amendment – “Congressional and legislative districts may not be drawn to favor or disfavor an incumbent or political party. Districts shall not be drawn to deny racial or language minorities the equal opportunity to participate in the political process and elect representatives of their choice, - contradicts itself. Districts were drawn to give African Americans seats in the legislature and Congress. Which ones do we place in jeopardy? Should Judge Sotomayor’s belief that being a Latina should be a thumb on the scale when creating new districts?

You say that “while FairDistrictsFlorida is officially nonpartisan, its leadership and donors are mostly Democrats”. Further, you say “most of the money has gone to a California-based firm that deploys petition gatherers statewide”. There is a Russian proverb that tells us that just because the wolf shows you his teeth it doesn’t mean he’s smiling.

What’s wrong with a Florida firm? What’s wrong with a Florida firm that it is a testament to Affirmative Action? I am sure it would take the modern American Liberals in Broward County about an hour and a half to present – out of whole cloth, as if it appeared fully grown right out of Athena’s forehead – a minority owned firm. “Round up the usual suspects.” Women, minorities, women who are minorities, cross gendered, the usual “victims of life’s circumstances” would be first in line to work at such a firm. Doubtless, they would qualify for Federal Stimulus dinero.

When you hear someone say that it is non-political it’s time to count the silverware.

I was born and raised in Hudson County. My wife has family members in Cook County. The big decennial fight was who got which cemetery.

Baker v Carr, that’s the one that said cows shouldn’t vote, is still the law of the land, isn’t it?

Enforce that one.

Senator Bill Nelson

June 16, 2009

Senator Bill Nelson
3416 South University Drive
Davie, Florida 32207

RE: Check your credit card bills!

Senator Nelson,

Someone, probably from your office, has stolen your identity.

The letter in this morning’s Miami Herald, complete with the classic Alfred E. Newman “What, me worry” photo, about the terrorist oil companies could not have been written by a United States Senator.

The scam artist writes that the royalties from Big Oil can only be used to clean up any spills that they are responsible for. He says it can’t be used for “sagging budgets and schools”. Only a horse’s ass of biblical proportions could say that.

I could mention the special tax on telephones that was passed in 1898 to fund the Spanish American War – that’s the one that had Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill, remember? – and stayed on the books for 106 years. I could mention the Indian Trust Fund that has been looted for 135 years by various Round Eyes and Paleskins. I could mention the Highway Trust Fund that has been a favorite lactating mammary for politicians since the Hula Hoop and The Honeymooners were in vogue. I could mention them but I won’t. I will only mention one. That one is the mother of all royalty raids. The Social Security Rust Fund.

Beginning in 1964 the Congress has approved the following transaction at budget time. All the money paid into Social Security goes directly into the Treasury general account. That’s the account that paid for “Midnight Basketball”, for President Obama’s date night in New York, for the war against terrorists [I can still say that, can’t I?] for crop supports, for the Department of Education – the list is endless. The government then issues an IOU, a chit, to cover its tracks. So much for trust funds.




Since I can find no record of you ever voting against any budget reconciliation bill I can only assume that you know that once the money is in it can go anywhere Congress wants it to. That’s how I know someone has accessed your confidential files. Letter such as the one this morning are probably being sent to papers all over Florida.

The other possibility, that you are the author of such lunacy fills me with despair. If that is the case then that would make you a horse’s ass of Homeric, of Brobdanaglian proportions.

The only consolation, a Pyrrhic victory of sorts, would be the election of Congressman Kendrick Meek to the soon to be open Senate seat. Since he has retired the title of “Smartest Bear in the Zoo”, perhaps “World Tallest Midget” would be kinder, but we live in age where Trousered Apes can use the 14 year old daughter of a politician as the target of their jibes. That would make you not necessarily smarter than him but merely less dumb.

I would have the FBI sweep your offices. You can’t be that dumb. I hope.


PS – Is there any truth to the rumor that President Obama’s oldest daughter will attend pole dancing camp this summer?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Senator Bill Nelson

June 9, 2009

Senator Bill Nelson
3416 South University Drive
Davie, Florida 32207

RE: A constituent’s plea for civility

Senator Nelson,

The Congressman who represents me, Ron Klein, either can’t answer or, worse, won’t answer my questions. Perhaps you can. If for whatever reason you don’t want to all you need do is say so.

#1 – Can you identify 2 “shovel ready” projects in Broward County that have begun, for lack of a better term, “shoveling” since the President’s stimulus package became law?

#2 – 255 was the largest number of employees on a payroll for which I had responsibility. Every time I met it could I claim to have “saved” 255 jobs? How do you measure, other than keeping an employee on your payroll, a job “saved”? Does the National Football League have a category for “running backs - balls not fumbled”? Does the American Medical Association have a category for “surgeons – arteries not nicked”? Can I get a tax credit from the Internal Revenue Service for “jobs saved”?

Would I be naïve if I were to anticipate the courtesy of a prompt reply?

Mayor Stacy Ritter

June 8, 2009

Mayor Stacy Ritter
Broward County Commission
115 South Andrews Avenue
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: “A modest proposal” – several birds with one stone and a chance to be both right and good.

Madame Mayor,

Broward County, as modern American Liberal as a county can be and a county whose profile is increased by your pursuit of Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans as the paradigmatic template for efficiency and good government, is in trouble.

Today’s civics lesson is also a lesson in empirical evidence; i.e. the evidence of your own eyes.

Property taxes pay for the necessities of government plus the goodies that the enlightened Broward County Commission likes to dole out. Any attempt to cut taxes by tweaking the tax code is doomed to failure for two reasons. #1 – The Constitution guarantees equal protection of the law to all citizens. Thus the favoring of one group of citizens over another group is inimical to good citizenship. #2 – Any attempt to cut taxes without reducing spending is offensive to Logic. It is akin to pushing in one side of a balloon filled with pancake batter. The batter moves to another side but the volume doesn’t decrease. The way to cut taxes is to cut spending. It is what Orwell called “obvious and true”.

Broward County schools, an entity over which you have no direct control, have had decreasing enrollment for 4 years. In the real world, that would suggest a similar decrease in operating expenses. Silly me! The key to understanding government in Broward County is to disregard all History, precedent, and laws concerning gravity.

Now we have had successive trip hammer blows of unusual ferocity to our economy.

The real estate market is suffering from a biblical case of the dry heaves. Foreclosures mount. Meanwhile, the needs of the undeserving poor, the underemployed, the old, the halt, the lame, and the object of everyone’s affection and attention, the woman of color who is a single mom with children in need of a good Ritalin program, a constant victim of the pernicious campaign of WAL*MART, to crucify the least of us with low prices, are still with us. Alas, the drive for manatee suffrage will have to be shelved temporarily.

Broward Sheriff Lamberti, and what else could you expect from a Republican, has said that he will close some prisons and release prisoners as his contribution to cost cutting.

Camp Gitmo, America’s first adult sleep away camp for misguided bomb throwers and beheaders, is scheduled to be closed. It seems that nobody wants the Uighurs.

Foreclosures, released prisoners, peripatetic terrorists…can you see where I am going here?

Herewith my modest proposal.

Release the prisoners, both foreign and domestic, into Broward’s foreclosed properties forthwith.

This may require some Federal stimulus assistance

Here’s where you being a modern American Liberal bastion can come in handy.

You did some heavy lifting for Lord Barack the Beneficent, blessed be his name and may his number increase, before his divine origins were apparent to all. Two weeks ago, he took his wife, a dish as snappy as you are, to NYC for dinner and a show. Last week he took her to Paris. If the trend line holds steady he’ll have her on the space shuttle next week. [I’ll say this for him. Price is no object when someone else is paying.] Get to him soon. Tell him you have a plethora of “shovel ready” projects in Broward County. It may be time to give Midnight Basketball the shot it deserves.

Here’s where the free market comes in.

Hire you husband, AKA “Slick Ron”, to lobby him.

You like to get furniture and tshatckes from your husband’s clients. Since he’ll be working for me I’ll send you a used futon, a lava lamp, some randy sheets, and a lavender bean bag, OK? I’ll send it to you care of the Broward County Commission. That way we cut out the middle man. Who needs the pain in the asses from the IRS with all their questions about income taking up your valuable time?

I know what the Broward prisoners position on same sex marriage is. I don’t know what the Uighurs stand on it is. Broward County, being the capital of diversity for which it is justifiably proud, will be able to accommodate it though. Their morning wake up chant of “Kill the Jews” may be disconcerting to some residents of Margate but if speech is free speech is free, right? You’ll probably want to make them ban beheading also. That’s the Uighurs, not the Margatians.

A win/win all around.

Help the real estate market. Help those “unlucky in life’s lottery”. Put your husband in the way of a few dollars. Get to re-do the guest room.

Don’t you love it when a plan comes together?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Rule of Law

“THE RULE OF LAW MEANS, IN THE FIRST PLACE, THE ABSOLUTE
SUPREMACY OF REGULAR LAW AS OPPOSED TO THE INFLUENCE
OF ARBITRARY POWER, AND EXCLUDES THE EXISTENCE OF
ARBITRARINESS, OF PREROGATIVE, OR EVEN OF WIDE
DISCRETIONARY AUTHORITY ON THE PART OF GOVERNMENT.”




A.V. DICEY
THE LAW OF THE CONSTITUTION

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Steve Bosquet, Beth Reinhard, The Miami Herald

June 3, 2009

Steve Bosquet
Beth Reinhard
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Flights of Fancy – A different take on Governor Crist’s jaunts around Florida

Mr. Bosquet & Ms. Reinhard,

First, let me congratulate you on crackerjack investigative reporting. I smell Pulitzer.

It’s a dark and dirty job but someone has to do it. The Republic may have tumbled absent your Herculean efforts in breaking through the cover up concerning the Governor’s various flights. You didn’t mention if his wife accompanied him. If any laws have been broken I assume you have turned your report over to an interested Attorney General, either state of Federal.

Second, and let me say that I don’t care about tu quoque or, in our dumbed down culture, tit for tat.

The Lord Barack the Beneficent, and blessed be his Name, took his wife out for dinner and a play in Manhattan. That’s the Manhattan in New York City, not thank God the one in Kansas. Let me add, strictly for the record, that he lives in public housing in Washington, D.C. On this trip he decreased his carbon footprint by taking the 35 million dollar jet rather than the 800 million dollar 747. If he proclaimed the signing of any legislation, perhaps between courses, perhaps between acts, I am not aware of it.

Don’t you think it would have been better for him to take AMTRAK? Vice President Curley Biden knows the schedule. Isn’t promoting mass transit high on the list? Did his plane use ethanol? Do you think he joined the Mile High Club?

Get working on that story.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

HE ARADO EN EL MAR

June 1, 2009

“HE ARADO EN EL MAR”

Remembering that the sight gag – a red button given to the Russian Ambassador that was supposed to have said “recharge” but actually said “overcharge” – went over as well as a fart in church I’ll translate the above. Simon Bolivar said it.

“I HAVE PLOWED IN THE SEA”

I read your article, “Critical Moment for the Hemisphere”, in this morning’s Miami Herald. If there is a shibboleth that was left out I can’t think of it.

“In our region, the income gap continues to widen; too few girls
and boys finish their educations; women, rural farmers, Afro
descendants and indigenous people and indigenous people
remain trapped on the bottom rung of economic and social
ladders with too few opportunities to move up.”

[If you mean the drop out rate in the public school system in Washington, D.C. I would say that the time to have raised that issue would have been when you enrolled your daughter in it. You didn’t and you so advised the Obamas to do likewise. There is no sense in being a modern American Liberal unless buy the whole package. You would sooner spend the night in a sleeping bag with a pair of rutting wolverines rather than send your daughter to a public school in Washington. You mention “rural farmers” so as to distinguish them from “suburban farmers” or “urban farmers”. Could you tell me where I can find the last two groups?]

How about a high school dropout Apache woman with an African grandfather who wants to raise endive and arugula? If we could retroactively abort her wouldn’t we all be better off? Certainly she would be.

“The nations of our region are connected by geography, history,
culture, politics and economics. And while that interconnectedness
has produced prosperity for some of us – including the United States –
we are keenly aware that our hemisphere’s economic progress will
stall if the poor get poorer and the middle class shrinks, or if
historically disenfranchised groups remain isolated from national,
regional, and hemispheric markets.”

How has the “culture and history” of the Altiplano contributed to the prosperity of the United States? [I recall a lunch with some people from Lima. They were telling me of the glories of the Incan engineering. I agreed and mentioned how much more it could have been if they were able to use wheels.] When was the last time a major scientific breakthrough or a minor scientific breakthrough or any breakthrough has been announced from Asuncion? If, as you say, uneducated female mulatto farmers have fallen below the radar screen, how has that made this country prosperous? Argentina, a land truly blessed by God, has been a failure for almost 2 centuries. It canonizes hookers – Evita – and thumbs its nose at international agreements. The only permanent contribution it has made to the Western Canon is the tango. It must be noted that they stole that from the Italians. Venezuela wants to adopt the hugely successful Cuban model of government: thugs running a country for their own benefit. 50 years into the enlightened rule of ladrones Castro Cuba still has 3 overwhelming problems. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It must seem as difficult as going to the moon, and returning, was to us.

Since you speak of “shared prosperity” I must tell you that you of a 3122 mile trip I just completed. My big SUV did it without one drop of CITGO gasoline. Didn’t boycotts play a big role in getting the Dutchies out of South Africa? Chavez can beat up his own people without my help.

“Foreign language training is an especially powerful
tool that opens doors and ties people together
across borders and markets.”

At last! Some common sense has snuck in. When can I expect your public endorsement of English as the official language of the United States? When an international flight asks for landing instructions from Valparaiso flight control guess what language the pilot uses? Guess what language the controller uses?

“And we can make investments in clean energy that
offer the prospect of new jobs and new opportunities
throughout the region, just as they do at home.”

Why should Ecuador think about windmills when it sits on oceans and oceans of natural gas? Why should Brazil have onerous CAFÉ standards when they just discovered the equivalent of 2 Prudhoe Bays? Why should Venezuela do anything except prosper form this country’s stupidity in not exploiting our natural resources?

Pray tell, dear lady, exactly where and how many new jobs have been “created” from this balderdash about “clean energy”? The tie breaker question is simple. Take all the scams about “clean energy”, including borborygymous bovines and cutting back on Carbon Dioxide emissions by holding our collective breaths for an hour each day, and tell me how many fewer barrels of oil are we importing each day because of them.

You mention “shared prosperity and progress”. Then you enjoin us [to] “join together and get to work”.

I have a name for that.

Cuando yo estaba un Voluntario en el Cuerpo de Paz

it was called the

ALIANZA PARA PROGRESSO.

The first one worked so well, like the New Deal, that we should do it again.

Meanwhile, I’m going to Key West. My friend, the legendary Big Mike from Bayonne, restaurateur and sportsman and now a noted political sage, used to proclaim “What a country! That’s why you never see anybody swimming to Cuba!”

If I see anybody swimming south for some “shared prosperity and progress” I’ll let you know.


PS – Did you ever wonder why people from disasters posing as countries are successful when they get here? Do you think it may have something to do with liberty?

Letter to the Editor, The Miami Herald

June 2, 2009

Letter to the Editor
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE; A bit of humor from an unlikely source

Sirs,

A jet plane is lost. A mad man with nuclear weapons now has long range missiles. The dreaded hurricane season is upon us. General Motors enters the world of the corporate undead.

Thank you for providing a bit humor. And on Page 1, to boot!

Your headline

“Today Marks a Defining Moment in the
History of General Motors”
GM CEO Fritz Henderson
June 2, 2009

is a laugh out loud screamer. Here’s my suggestion for tomorrow.

“Today Marks a Defining Moment in the
History of the 7th Cavalry”
Colonel George Custer
June 25, 1876

If you liked that one you’ll love this one.

“Today Marks a Defining Moment in the
History of the R.M.S. Titanic”
Captain John Smith
April 15, 1912

Save this one for a special occasion.

“Today marks a Defining Moment in the
History of Hiroshima”
The Mayor
August 6, 1945

Thanks for accentuating the positive.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Alex Sink – Chief Financial Officer

May 31, 2009

Alex Sink – Chief Financial Officer
299 East Gaines Street
Tallahassee, Florida 32399-0300

RE: Public schools, public officials, and modern American Liberals

Ms. Sink,

“For the first time in 12 years, we can have a
governor whose own children graduated
from public schools.”

I have forwarded your quote to President Obama. You may not know it but his daughters attend private schools in Washington, D.C.

A bit of research reveals that the children of President Clinton and Vice President Gump also attended private schools. It shouldn’t surprise you but so did the children of Vice President Biden.

You know of course that President Bush’s daughters attended a public high school. Westlake Austin to be precise.

Would not empathy demand that since the Obama girls live in public housing they should attend public schools? Washington has the highest per pupil spending in the world. Isn’t that the mantra of modern American Liberals? More money means better schools, right?

I’ll tell you should I get a response before you do.



PS – When did you find out that Hootie Johnson, the man for whom you worked, was such a misogynist? Why didn’t you quit when he kept women out of the Masters Tournament?

Broward County Commissioner Kristin Jacobs

May 31, 2009

Broward County Commissioner Kristin Jacobs
115 South Andrews Avenue
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: “Better to keep your mouth shut and thought to be a fool.”

Commissioner Jacobs,

If there is a Baker Act to keep public officials from hurting themselves you are the poster girl for it. Meanwhile, don’t drive, don’t operate heavy machinery, and please, please don’t handle sharp instruments. And to keep your rhetorical incontinence, AKA verbal diarrhea, from infecting the body politic I suggest 9 yards of duct tape reinforced with industrial strength Gorilla Glue around your mouth. Specific instructions later.

“As glaciers melt and warming waters expand, sea levels will rise…
The Sun-Sentinel
Today
Page F5
You

Dear lady, think me not a cad but sea levels have been rising for 35,000 years. [Did you know that the snows of Mount Kilimanjaro have been receding since 1888? Did you know that 1888 was the first year that the snow was measured there? Do you know what it proves?] It is a tribute to our ancestors that they were increasing their carbon footprint before they got around to making shoes.

If glaciers are melting can I ask where the water is going? Could you tell me how much the water has risen in the harbor? Are the piers obsolete? I live on the water. Should I move to the second floor? Should I move to Iowa?

Here’s an experiment for you.

Fill a large glass with ice.

Then fill it with water.

Keep an eye on it.

According to your Luddite/Lysenko scientific method when the ice melts the water in the glass should overflow.

It doesn’t.

Try to find out why, you boob.


Your statements about carbon dioxide emissions lead me back to the specious argument of “think global; act local”.

Even a blind hog can find a truffle.

Take a very deep breath. Secure you lips with 2 quarts of industrial strength Gorilla Glue. Then wrap 9 yards of duct tape around your head. Count to 8,000. Sorry. It would be ad hominem if I were to say that you can’t count past 20 unless you’re in the shower so I won’t. Instead listen to former Vice President Alpha Gump reading “Earth in the Balance”. That will make you want to hold your breath forever.

Polar bears will live because of you.

Judge Sotomayor and the Miami Herald

May 27, 2009

The Readers’ Forum
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “A Superb Choice for the Supreme Court” and other things Hispanic – Some comments on today’s editorial.

Sirs,

The reality is that Judge Sotomayor, absent photos of her doing the paso doble with Osama bin Laden, will be confirmed with at least 90 votes.

You say that the Senators “shouldn’t raise phony issues”.

Since she is not married her mother will be sitting behind her during the confirmation process. Do you think some Republican Senators should see if they can make her cry like the Democrats did to Mrs. Alito?

Will it be OK to check her Blockbuster purchases to see if she rents any dirty movies? The Democrats did that with Judge Bork, remember?

Will it be OK to ask is she ever used marijuana? The Democrats asked Judge Ginzburg, remember?

Would it be OK to have an Anita Hill sequel? Who cares what the accuser’s sex is. Just talk about pubic hairs and King Dong. Queen Dong if that’s more appropriate. The Democrats did that with Judge Thomas, remember?

You say her “empathy” is an asset.

The last time you had a tissue sample biopsied did “empathy” enter into the pathologist’s diagnosis?

When picking pilots to fly their jets how high up on the employment criteria list is “empathy”?






I used to be able to play basketball as hard as Dwayne Wade. I just can’t play as well. Should I get the “empathy” spot on the team?

Speaking of Hispanic overachievers is it not ironic that 50 years after the brothers Castro took over in Cuba they have decided to reduce their carbon footprint by eliminating electricity on Sunday mornings?

As the son of a Judge I wish her well not because of her biography – my father was 26 years old before he went to high school – in many ways similar to Justice Thomas’s but rather because the Rule of Law must be defended. Judging by the economic fiats issued by President Obama since January the Executive Branch has no regard for it.

Let us pray that Justice Sotomayor will.