December 25, 2015

Chris Cuomo

CNBC-News

Turner TV

Atlanta, Georgia 30303

RE: “Midnight Basketball” anyone?

Mr. Cuomo,

Truth be known, as well it should, and damn the consequences but your family is like herpes. Based on wretched excess it is a gift that keeps on giving.

In my righteous crusade, not yet a jihad, to poleax you for cause I forgot to include the big old rattlesnake at the garden party. It’s the one by the keg just biding his time waiting for an unsuspecting ankle.

Sometimes I overswing at the letter high, off speed piñata from the batting practice pitcher who is anxious to keep his job. In your case I proved that Homer still nods. I forgot.

You are probably too young to remember the 1977 NYC campaign for Mayor. Any intramural modern American Liberal primary turns very quickly into a pissing contest. No quarter asked; no quarter given. “Politics ain’t beanbag” has the edges of its envelope pushed every time louts such as your family enter the public arena. All that prevented the Lord from doing a Curtis LeMay Tokyo fire raid on the modern day Gomorrah was His sense of “mirth”. The cacophony of modern American Liberal farging arseholes herding each other into election booths makes for great theatre. I think Godot was on to something.

Anyway the highlight then and now, 37 years later, was your brother using union printers to make up 6,391 signs that read

VOTE FOR CUOMO AND NOT THE HOMO

Considering the campaigns of 1800, 1828, and 1876, 2 out of 3 of which were run with the only electricity being on the key on Ben Franklin’s kite, it would have been small potatoes, particularly since it bore the fine American  Italianate Liberal hands of Cuomo pere and Cuomo fils.  “Nothing personal Eddie. Strictly business.”

[Let the record show that Paula Deen, she of old time high carbohydrate, grits goes with gelato TV empire confessed that about the same time she used the dreaded “N” word, the word that White people dare not use, {You can use it if you are a Black writing an autobiography or a Shaft wanabee at an NBA game} She was last seen having her once ample ass welded to a Pioneer rocket whose mission was to get to Pluto and settle the planet issue once and for all. Vaya a con Dios, Paula.]

Juvenal first spoke of the conundrum of upsetting speech, of irritating speech, of hateful speech when he said “Quis custodes custodiet”?

Who will guard the custodians?

The opening words of the First Amendment are majestic in their simplicity. “Congress shall make no law…”

Like abortion, there can be no exceptions up to and including 4^th and 5^th trimester vivisections and dismemberments lest the entire structure crumble.

I did some homework on the CUOMO/HOMO brouhaha. In so doing I came across an interview that your brother the Governor gave to NPR on 1/17/14.

“Extreme Conservatives who are right-to-life, pro-assault weapon, 

and anti-gay have no place in New York.

THEY SHOULD LEAVE.”

Nature is kind to animals, young children, and modern American Liberals. She blesses them with short memories. How else to explain gay bashing that would shame snake handling, gun lovin’, climate change deniers being tolerated in the case of the family Cuomo? 

Nat Hentoff wrote a book with the intriguing title “Free Speech for Me but Not for Thee”. It has become a Saul Alinsky-like guide for mALs, AKA “Men without chests”, as they go through life with a conceit so fatal that it stinks and shines in the moonlight. 

They are convinced that they can shine shit and that there is always a clean end to pick up an errant turd.

I hear a distant chant of Viva IL Duce. Deep down all mALs are too comfortable with power. Deep down, and in your family’s case, not so deep down, you are drawn to brown shirts, jack boots, and miniature Kristallnachts or when you said it was OK to call Ed Koch a finnochio. You give the Medicis a bad name.

If you don’t know that Mussolini was the darling of New Deal mALs you should because he was. Look it up.

Kevin Smith

December 23, 2015

Chris Cuomo

CNBC-News

Turner TV

Atlanta, Georgia 30303

RE: The one immutable constant, the one fixed star, about modern American Liberal newsies is that they never let you down. Ever.

Mr. Cuomo,

Once you learn to fake sincerity the rest is easy. All that is needed is a patronizing condescending attitude that morphs at warp speed into a cloying smugness. That’s what makes it oh so ever easy to give you the highest annual award for which public figures are eligible.

You are hereby named

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

EYE-TIE SUBSECTION

TV STRUMPET COVEN CHIEF

Alas, the cash purse that used to accompany this has been canceled. The money now goes to the perpetual patching - Talk about crumbling infrastructure! – of the fragile ozone layer. Also, some help is given to the deconstruction of transgendered, regendered, degendered, ungendered, and my personal favorite, antigendered, obese teens who have been the subject of bullying.

The time and place for the investiture has not been, forgive me, finalized. I am sure that as a modern American Liberal, one steeped, stewed, simmered, and saturated in “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, and as such, one incapable of being either embarrassed or insulted you will be there.

A few small things before I go.

I asked your father when he was Governor and your brother as Governor the following question. Needless to say, which is my I must say it, neither deigned to answer it.

I did not know until this AM that you were an attorney. Thus the question takes on a new immediacy.

Some background.

Your father gave a commencement address at Notre Dame University with the topic being abortion.

The gist of it was that while he was opposed to abortion as a Roman Catholic he had no choice but to allow and countenance it as a private citizen holding public office.

I’ll spare you “The Man For All Seasons” dreck about private conscience and public duty. My lips are sealed in re Thoreau admonishing Emerson for not being in jail.

Gandhi eating the salt and the sainted Dalton Trumbo spending time in the pokey are also off limits. MLK, Jr. & the Brothers Berrigan also are verboten. Despite modern American Liberals having a most precious gift, “eclectic indignation”, this one gives them a little agida.

But back to the unanswered question.

I posed the same set of circumstances to your father and brother.

What if Dred Scott, the fugitive slave, had been captured in New York when either your father or brother was the Governor?

 

Damn Madison but the part about each state having to give full faith and credit to the public records of the other states makes it, again forgive me for the irony of the language, Black Letter law.

Would either of them have put his felonious Black ass on the midnight train to Georgia?

In the case of abortion your father and presumptively your brother have said that public duty far outweighs private conscience.

I assume that your father, your brother, and you are opposed to slavery. Would it be safe to assume that your public duty would outweigh your private conscience?

What would they have done if they had been served with a writ of extradition for the return of prisoner Scott?

Would they have sent him back? If not, why not?

Get back to me, por favor.

One almost last thing.

I watched you hectoring a Republican last week about the coarsening of our political culture, about the lack of decorum, the absence of civility, and the “toes on the line” hate speech from candidates who were not wild about Midnight Basketball, who have waited longer for the Summer of Revival than they did for Godot, who are fearful that the unmasking of the heretofore secret cabal of Swedish Lutheran terrorists will take the pressure off the public cabal of Muslim thugs, candidates who are scratching their heads wondering why, after 7 years, neither the cooling of the earth nor the receding of the oceans has taken place, candidates who believe in the Bill of Rights, all 10 of them, guys like that. You know who I mean, right?

Should CNN publish the cartoons depicting the Cruz children as monkeys? What would happen if the Obama girls had been portrayed as monkeys? Isn’t it time for Ted
Turner to show the Mohammed cartoons

It’s tough being a mush brained, meaner than cat shit modern American Liberal but you’re gaining on it.

December 24, 2015

Loretta Lynch – Attorney General

Department of Justice

950 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20530-0001

RE: A post-racial society?

Madame Secretary,

I read this morning in the Dallas Morning News that Dirk Nowitzki of the NBA Dallas Mavericks bypassed Shaquille O’Neal on the all-time scoring list.

Of the top 10 scorers it is my sad duty to report that only one, the aforementioned Nowitzki, is non-Black.

Is that what you mean by “disparate impact”/

Shouldn’t your department begin to recommend that every NBA team has as a goal  at least one short, calorically challenged, game legged White guy, a guy who while he can ball as hard as LeBron James can’t play as well, as the 6^th man?

Get back to me please.

Kevin Smith

December 20, 2015

Senator Maris Sachs

City Hall

100 NW 1^st Street

Delray Beach, FL 33444

RE: A small thing, a thing no bigger than a man’s fist on the horizon, a thing which is about to become a teachable moment, a thing that shows that the line between chicken shit and chicken salad is becoming thinner and less clear.

Senator Sachs,

As a modern American Liberal, one such as you, one approaching the wing-nut, moon-bat choir section of today’s Democratic Party, I call your attention to a teensy weensy factual error in your mini OP-ED in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Of course, and particularly since you are a fire breathing modern American Liberal and are genetically disposed to never let facts interfere with an argument, anyone who believes in Midnight Basketball, cash for Clunkers, Goals, not quotas, and the never starting Summer of Recovery and therefore the never ending Summer of Recovery, must be cut some slack.

You said that FDR said something in 1932 that he actually said in 1933. A small thing, yes, but a big step for the Democratic Party. You may remember, “with advantages”, that Vice President Curley Biden – named  Curley after the smartest Stooge – had him saying it in 1929, and on TV to boot. That alone caused the Brotherhood of Dopey Bastards to pull his union card.

He said “We have nothing to fear but…fear itself”. He said it on March 4, 1933. BTB, he spent most of 1932 promising to balance the budget. He accused President Hoover of financial malfeasance bordering on criminality by using deficit financing.

Honest Injun. You could look it up.

It is owed to the ledger to point out that despite heroic efforts by really smart people the Depression, by any measurable objective standard was worse in 1939 than it was in 1933. A strong case can be made for the unofficial end to the Depression to have begun when Boeing went to 3 shifts at its B-17 plant in Wichita.

Honest Injun. You could look it up.

It would almost be like “piling on” if I were to point out that he was the 3^rd President – Can you believe they were all Democrats? I can – in 48 years to promise American mothers that he “would not send American boys to fight in foreign wars”.

Honest Injun. You could look it up.

One more thing…

In its entirety…

“As the world’s bastion of freedom and democracy,

we must never bow to fear because to do so

 is the antidote of our very liberty.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

You

Your C.V. says that you are an attorney. 

At some point while you were in law school one of your teachers must have said that words have consequences. [Ideas also but that’s a subject for a different discussion. I am sure you are familiar with Richard Weaver] A mortgage that says the interest rate is around 6% is unacceptable both to the lender and the borrower. Defining something as “almost a felony” is anathema. 

What the Hell does “antidote of our very liberty” mean?

My Webster’s defines antidote thus:

“A remedy to counterattack the effects of poison”

Are you inferring that liberty is poison?

Are you saying that we have too much liberty? Not enough?

Exactly what are you saying?

Kevin Smith

December 20, 2015

Big Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Maybe you should ring Little Stein on this. Topics include History, Rhetoric, and an appreciation for the Absurd. These are things that are alien to modern American Liberals hence the need for a college student’s perspective. I am with my Texas Ladies so forgive the delay, por favor

Big Stein,

Speaking of debates…I stopped watching them in 1964 when Big Boss Johnson who with the exception of his 2 wars – Bismarck had 3 – said “Nosireebob. I ain’t Jack Kennedy and Goldwater ain’t Nixon.” 2 wars? – At least the one in Vietnam stopped. The other one, the one against Poverty, is still being fought. Unsuccessfully, I quickly add.]

I stopped even taking peeks when Ford freed the Poles in 1976.

But back to the 800 pound guerrilla in the room, the one that the GOP doesn’t want to talk about. I suggest that there are several verboten topics at the Democratic debate.

#1 – ISIL or ISIS? You say potato and I say potahto. What the Hell is the difference? Which one is the “contained JV team”?

#2 – Do you think Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, America’s poster girl for distaff Brown Shirted, Jack Booted Fascist thugs, will have her hair straightened from the inside out if Czarina Hillary gets indicted?

#3 – I may be having a senior moment but if Hillary, Bernie, and the other guy  are going to make everything so much better would it be deemed “Hate Speech” if I were to ask who has been in charge since 2009?

#4 – What happened to the trillion dollars – that’s 1,000,000,000,000, I think – that we borrowed from the Chinese to fund “shovel ready” jobs in 2009? Is it acceptable to point out that Hillary Clinton spent her 8 years in the Senate hectoring us about the perils of being in thralldom to meretricious Mandarin money lenders?

#5 – Speaking of debates would Burke/Fox, Webster/Hayne, Webster/Calhoun, or Lincoln/Douglas make it to the arena today? If someone were to shout a Cato-like denunciation of the bad guys would the dreaded Word Police demand he undergo sensitivity training? One of the highlights of the 1964 Civil Rights debate in the Senate was the sight of all heroes of modern American Liberalism, stalwarts such as Senator Ervin, Senator Gore, and Senator Fullbright getting their knickers all knotted trying to keep little Black boys from going to school with little White girls. Thank God for the Republican Senators! Without them none of the 60s Civil Rights legislation would have passed. None of it. Have Little Stein look it up.

#6 – If you really want to drive the audience away try talking about the contingent liabilities of the government pension scheme. It goes without saying, which is why it must be said, that the contingent liabilities are all, each and every one of them, unfunded. Assuming that the Sun Sentinel has a pension scheme, a risky assumption considering the fact that it just emerged from bankruptcy, ask the HR dude or dudette what would happen if their plan was run the same way the government runs Social Security and Medicare. A hat, a very large hat, would soon be passed around to get lawyers and bail money

#7 – The thought of Hillary being indicted and taking the perp walk in time for the 6:00 news would make it a very holly, jolly Christmas indeed.

#8 – That would clear the way for Bernie, the bombastic Bolshie booster who is the secret choice of all believers in the efficacy of Midnight Basketball, right?

#9 – Ask Little Stein if he is familiar with tu quoque. Ask him to explain the difference between Rhetoric and Sophistry.

It’s time to clean my BAR. If you are in Texas there is no sense in having a half-assed assault weapon, is there? If any Muslim terrorists show up with their puny AK-47s I’ll give them a 3^rd eye at 500 yards. If you shoot enough of them you will be able to close GITMO the right way

There will be no one left to put in jail.

                   Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

December 15, 2015

Senator Edward Markey

222 Milliken Blvd - #312

Fall River, MA 02721

RE: 

Senator Markey

Who can forget the August, 1998 press conference given by President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs in the Rose Garden at the White House?

That was the one where he said with an eye for the obvious that it was hot in August in Washington. But then he went a step, a modern American Liberal step, too far. “It’s hot, he said, because of Global Warming. We get Global Warming because of hot days in August in Washington.” Honest to God but that’s what he said.

It’s easy to live without the binding corset of Logic. For 25 centuries Sophists of all stripes have made a good living doing so. They use tautologies, circular reasoning if you will. You can’t use the object to be defined as the definition. 

I was there that day with my extended family. I stood in front of the White House proudly wearing my ball cap with the words RIGHT WING CONSPIRATOR emblazoned on it. 

In one arm I held Caitlin the Fair, my oldest granddaughter, and to show the fugiting of tempus she will shortly be college bound on a scholarship. I raised the other arm, made a fist, and shouted “Come out you son of a bitch with your hands up. We have the place surrounded”. Alas, the grafter in residence did not respond to my righteous claim. So much for speaking truth to power. 

But that’s not why I write.

I watched the Senate hearings on climate change held on 12/8/15, the one where you removed all possibility of you being mistaken for being a man of honor. Prior to it you were always on the short list for one of my year end honors. I had always penciled you as potential 

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

Alas, it is not to be.

After your performance empirical evidence, real evidence, evidence as real as your boot, the evidence of my own eyes forced me to change my mind.

In keeping with tradition of Irish Catholic Senators from Massachusetts – Lurch Kerry and Lard Kennedy spring into sight – you lack the wit, not the desire, not the aspiration, to be smarmy.

Therefore, in my capacity as the Keeper of the Seal of the Great Awards, I hereby name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

In your cased I have waived the rules and made you a life member.

Wear your honor proudly. You got it the old fashioned way. You   earned it!

Pop quiz, you boob.

What color is an orange? Can you spell TV? Could you find sand at the beach?

Could you find your ass using both hands? Have you ever gotten lost on a ladder? Have you messed up any 2 car funerals lately?

It’s an open book quiz. Plus, you get 2 life line calls. Use them. No Bell Curve here.

Kevin Smith

PS – “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and you. Perfect together!

PS – And yes, I am Irish Catholic so spare me the hate speech crap, you twit.

December 15, 2015

Mayor John P. “Jack” Seiler

City Hall

100 North Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Those words mean exactly what I want them to mean”, I think.

Mr. Mayor,

I looove it when modern American Liberals meet with their foreign counterparts.  Ain’t the loon who runs the British Labour Party something else? Compared to him, Sanders, the bombastic Bolshie bellower, sounds like he works for the Koch Brothers. OK, OK, that’s a bit of a stretch. Anyway, they all sit around holding hands while singing Kumbaya.. They are proof positive of the continuing “triumph of hope over experience”, absent which modern American Liberalism could not exist. They then declare the problem solved and move on to a new one. Maybe it’s time for teenage obese bullying coupled with the heartbreak of psoriasis to get some of the attention it so desperately has earned and deserves.

Watching these feather merchants and mattress testers wolf down the organic foie de gras, munch down the non-Israeli escargots, do a Houdini on magnums of Talbot ’79 while using an off year Carton Charlemagne for white wine spritzers while solving the problems of drowning polar bears and disappearing water front properties makes me happy that the word “bullshit” has not yet been proscribed by the Nazi wanabee  Word Police. A week of gargling Centaur Royale and having Chateau Y’quem hot tub sessions and I would vote for thermonuclear destruction just to get a double cheeseburger and some Celebration Ale.

I listened to the overly hirsute Secretary of State, Jay Forbes Kerry, as he wet his britches when he proclaimed that the world was saved from itself – Thanks, Pogo – by bypassing Congress.

Kerry is 72 years old. Men that old shouldn’t have hair like that. It looks like it was Gorilla Glued on. Do you suppose his wife, Tereza, the mad cap Gypsy lady whose great grandfather and Obama’s great great grandfather were partners in the transportation business had a hand in it? The business was like an 18^th century Uber but they couldn’t make a go of it because they couldn’t solve the deadheading problem. It was the business that Newton and Wilberforce worked to end.

But that’s not why I write.

GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction weighs heavily on you. I am sure you have taken steps to prepare for the humongous loss of revenue when the tax flow from beachfront and waterfront property stops because a 26 foot wall of water – the dreaded but inevitable “Big One” – hits it.

The only thing that will stop “it” is when it tries to run over an Indian casino. Nothing contrived by devilish White men, except $, gets a leg over on them.

I don’t know what % of our budget is covered by those taxes but, believe me, there are not enough Mandarin moneylenders, the ones that Hillary Clinton hectored us on for all the time she was in the Senate, to bail us out. Bail in both the literal and figurative sense, of course.

What contingency plans have you made?

Can mere citizens, many of whom are proud Global Warmers, see them?

Do you think, as a deeply compassionate modern American Liberal, that the city should warn all potential property owners that they are doomed because of rising sea levels? Noah better go to 3 shifts. We warn people of the dangers of tobacco and alcohol. Why not this?

Kevin Smith

PS – What’s with the 2 names? John “Jack” is shorthand for what? It’s OK to like NASCAR. Come out of the closet even though your blue collars are probably from Brooks Brothers. Maybe you want to compete with Jimmy John’s. If you don’t, people may think you don’t know Jack shit. Also, I can’t get the box score on the Paris climate conference. What exactly did Paraguay, Kafiristan, Mali, and Brunei do? We know that they ate and drank like they were going to chair at midnight. Apparently their “Horizontal Tango Dance Card” was filled to Guinness Book proportions with special mention of the “bearded clam”, the universal symbol of pieceful relations. Get back to me, OK?

December 13, 2015

Paul Owers

The Sun Sentinel

500 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: Headline of the Year awards short list.

Mr Owers,

I am pleased to announce that you have made it to the finals of the Headline of the Year award.

“Housing Limited by Shortage of Land”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

You

It impressed the judges on many levels. Expect stiff competition from

“Skiing Hampered by lack of Snow”

and 

“Malaria Hampered by Lack of Mosquitoes”

The paradigmatic templates still set the standard to which all headline writers aspire.  

“Headless Body in Topless Bar”

“Liz Wants Dick”

& 

“John Garfield Still Dead”

Will they be topped? Quien Sabe?

Good luck. Alas, there is no cash prize.

Kevin Smith

December 13, 2015

Mayor Jack Seiler

City Hall

100 North Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: In the name of Professor Irwin Corey, who the Hell writes your stuff?

Mr. Mayor,

This morning, in the unlinkable Sun Sentinel, your mug and by-line appear in the mini-op ed section. I cannot rule out the possibility that someone has either stolen your identity or is playing a practical joke on you. 

Among the more memorable lines attributed to you are the following:

“…install check valves to reduce tidal flooding…”

If “check valves” indeed do reduce “total flooding” could you tell me where the water goes? Even a hard core Broward County modern American Liberal wouldn’t, couldn’t, be so Homerically dumb as to pump it back into the ocean, right? If you pump it into the Intracoastal are you required to file an Environmental Impact statement? If so, have you? Are copies available or does the Hillary Clinton rule of producing communications apply?

“…and collaborating with regional partners to build community resilience”

God’s Holy Trousers but who writes such wing-nut clap trap balderdash?

Are we privy to a shotgun wedding between Alice in Wonderland and George Orwell? 

There is something lower case Fascistic about “build[ing] community resilience”. Against what or, better, against whom?

You should have written press releases for the moonbat gaggle of horses’ asses gathered in Paris who said the best way to stop CO2 emissions is to outlaw exhaling.

In keeping with the Season, “I’ll retire to Bedlam”

Kevin Smith

PS – Have you turned off the A/Cs at City Hall yet?

December 12, 2015

Tom Fiedler – Dean

College of Communication

Boston University

640 Commonwealth Avenue

Boston, MA 02215

RE: I’m not Andrea Bocelli but it’s “Time to Say Goodbye”.

Dear Tom,

Who better than you to be the first to know?

The second day I was in Florida, October 16, 1996, I began the quotidian habit of buying at least 6 newspapers. The Miami Herald, the Sun Sentinel, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and USA Today.

Realizing that I was in a “target-rich environment” I began the habit of skewering both politicians and pundits, be they local or national. Since they were obsessed with fallacy and since they were devoted to wing-nut modern American Liberalism – as if there were any other kind – and since they reveled in “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” it shortly became my “happy time”.

I must add that you became an early and frequent target. When you were not on the receiving end of my balistas for a few weeks you sent me a note asking if you had written something right, even if by accident.

I was completely and permanently defanged.

But that’s not why I write.

I am now down to 2 papers a week, the Saturday Wall Street Journal and the Sunday Sun Sentinel.

The Saturday Wall Street Journal is the best newspaper in America. Its 4 sections are filled with things both objective and subjective. Business and culture are both poked in the arena. I read the Sunday Sun Sentinel to see if I am in the obits. If not, I go about my day’s work. Raising hackles and trapping for baby manatees is demanding work.

I left the daily newspapers because there was rapidly diminishing value. Restaurants are only expensive if the high price does not deliver what it promised. I told you some time ago that all newspapers were getting “thin”. There was no “there” there. Ideology did not matter. If anything, sloppy thinking, an aversion to Logic, a belief in gravity defying devices, “eclectic indignation”, and overall smarminess were motivating factors for me.

My use of the word “unlinkable”, a word that my Spell Check does not recognize, speaks to the “value” observation. When I try to link an article or an opinion column I am told that ci can’t do this because I am not a digital subscriber. Pray tell but why should I have to buy the same paper twice?

Am I alone in this?

I have a clear memory of my father reading the 2 Arthurs – Krock and Daley – to me on Sunday.

Should you have any really bright students who want to observe the autopsy of a literate curmudgeon who once had ink stained fingers I will make myself available for their perusal.

Kevin Smith

Board Certified Life Coach

Proud Global Warmer

December 7, 2015

Attorney General Loretta Lynch

Department of Justice

950 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20530-0001

RE: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose…” Take me first, if you dare. Some comments on your promise to prosecute speech that you deem offensive to Muslims.

MS. Lynch,

October the 7^th is a special day for me.

#1 – It’s my birthday.

#2 – In 1571 the Good Guys, the Christian West, gave the Bad Guys, that century’s version of feral Muslim terrorists, a Texas-sized, ergo humongous, ass whupping at a place called Lepanto.

You may remember that they, the forebears of today’s beheaders, crucifiers, rapists, and slavers had promised to “stable their horses in the St. Peter’s Basilica”. [What would be the reaction of POO – Perpetually Offended and Outraged – modern American Liberals if a public figure promised to blanket the silly ass rock that Muslims march around with tons of pork fat while Hava Nagilha was broadcast all over the kingdom?] Talk about inclusiveness!

Let me tell you that I am a highly literate, extremely curmudgeonly, senior citizen who, who while slow of step, is still sharp of mind.

I volunteer to be the first one you come after for speaking truth to power – God’s Holy Trousers but I love saying clap-trap like that! - about a 14 century old Banzai charge against Western Civilization. Devotees of the Trivium know that you erred greatly and grossly when you used the sacred word Rhetoric when you should have used Sophistry. Here’s a hint. Think about the difference between chicken salad and chicken shit. Still confused? Send a SASE. Use the USPS, not Navy Seal Team 6 to deliver the request.

Several years ago I was paid a visit by Detective Joe Kessling, a member of the Broward County Sheriff’s Office because of something I wrote to public official. 

He assured me that I “was not in trouble”. I responded thusly:

“What do you mean I’m ‘not in trouble’? You have a badge

and a fucking gun. What do you mean I’m ‘not in trouble’”?

Shall we break out in a rousing chorus of “Slippery Slopes and Chilling Effects”? How about “free men speak with free tongues”?

My copy of the 1^st Amendment begins with words majestic in their manner, mien and meaning. It was a revolutionary idea then and, alas, now.

“Congress shall make no law…”

I look forward to hearing from you. 

Be advised that I will not “go gently into that good night”.

Kevin Smith]

PS – December the 7^th? A bit ironic, no?  Plus, will you ban the singing of the Marine Hymn?  The part about “to the shores of Tripoli” could be construed as hate speech, there being no Swedish Lutherans there. 

December 6, 2015

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Are you on the road to Damascus? Some comments on your unlinkable column on education and why maybe, just maybe, Big Brother, be he in Tallahassee or Washington, may not know best.

Big Stein, 

First, non-denominational kudos to Little Stein for following his Muse. I suppose a nod to you and his mother, Boss Stein, for providing him with the background music, as Plato said, “to act nobly”, is in order.

Your column about why a top-down, ukase and fiat laden, frozen education structure may not be the best way to teach Johnny to read – Let me quickly add Juanita and Jamal to the lest if only to keep the dreaded PC Word police from my door – suggests a growing discomfort with some of the doublehelixed tenets of the Church of Modern American Liberalism, be it reform or conservative.

Your column a few weeks back, the one that sang the praises of Uber Cabs versus the Yellow Cab monopoly, indicates a stirring in your soul against the dead hand of bureaucracy. 

If anything defines modern American Liberalism it is their singular devotion to the well-intended bureaucrats who only want to help the common man.

Would you hold it against me if I were to suggest a quick look – Scratch “quick”. Quick and bureaucracy cannot appear in the same sentence. Ever. – at the Post Office, the Department of Motor Vehicles, the IRS, the VA, and now, Obamacare? It is risk I take willingly. Can you see where I’m going here?

Today’s column suggests that a menu of calculus and inorganic chemistry may not be best for all students.

If I had a child with an interest in and an aptitude for music I would have Damn well kept him away from a double portion of algorithms. Of course, an exception for Bach would have to be carved out. Ask Little Stein.

I have 2 children, each of whom has 2 degrees; they have held professional licenses in 5 states. When they began looking seriously at colleges I told them that with the exception of accounting Daddy was not going to pay for any undergraduate courses in business. Further, the MBA is an honorable degree made better by an undergraduate degree in History or, quien sabe, Music.

You may be taking a cue from Dante when he wrote the first line of La Commedia.

“Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error.”

Once you get knocked off the horse, a la Saul of Tarsus, it is deuced difficult to get back on.

I am much in favor of vouchers in education, particularly for the children of tenants of public housing.

Do you care to comment on why the Obamas, temporary occupants of the largest publicly owned single family house in America, spend about $120,000 on tuition for their daughters? They could walk to any of the really fine public schools in the Washington. I say “really fine” because we are told by the elders of the educational complex that more money means better schools. Nobody anywhere spends more money per pupil than Washington, DC. If the schools are so good why are the President’s daughters not enrolled in them?

I suppose only a true modern American Liberal can believe that while all students are equal some students are more equal than others. I was head of the Irish-Catholic Search patrol. We labored in vain to find evidence of any of the Kennedy whelps ever spending a day in a public grammar school or high school. No sense being just a rat bastard when you can be a smarmy one to boot. 

Perhaps a weekend with Milton Friedman may be the starting purgative you need.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET 

PS – It may be a whiff of senescence but I have a dim memory of President-elect Obama telling us 8 years ago that he would “cool the earth and calm the seas”. He may be on to something with the former but as to the latter what in the name of Neptune are fish doing in the streets of Miami Beach. Out of respect for Henny Youngman please don’t tell me the backstroke.

November 28, 2015

Randy Schultz

The Sun Sentinel

RE: “Hedging” and how it has become a 4 letter word to modern American Liberals as you make perfectly clear in your unlinkable quasi-polemic in today’s Sun Sentinel. Think holy water and vampires.

Mr. Schultz,

Of course President Reagan, AKA The Great Reagan, was right when he said it’s not that modern American Liberals are stupid it’s just that there is so, so much that they don’t know.

“Hedging”, a practice that consumers of commodities use to protect themselves against “Black Swan” price swings, is anathema to all card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals for one reason: MARKETS.

Markets are not subject to the quotidian whims of pointy-headed progressive aparatchiks.

Markets, particularly the ones that retain the heady whiffs of freedom, are particularly irksome to modern American Liberals. Since they operate outside the mandatory command and control that today’s Democrats, all proud descendants of T. Woodrow Wilson, seek to impose on everybody and everything under the sun they must be prodded, cajoled, and intimidated to perform on cue. Woes betide any that fail to bend to the whims of the bosses.

  

18 centuries ago Diocletian declared – Caesar dixit? – that the price of bread was too high. He consulted with his very bright experts and set a “fair” price for the product. Progressive ohmadhans, even then, knew that absent the power of the state their good intentions would go nowhere. The “fair” price was enforced by cutting the hands of the renegade bakers off. The net result was no bread at any price because there were no bakers.

Fast forward to a Republican President who thought that prices were too high. Since I am soon to be under the lion’s paw of the ObamaCare Death Panels I( forget how it worked out. It ended well, didn’t it?

ObamaCare was supposed to have bent the curve of medical costs downward, right? Has it?

I cite the above examples as proof that modern American Liberals are living proof of Dr. Johnson’s dictum about the “triumph of hope over experience”.

“In fact, the market itself has been reducing volatility for some time.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

You

Earth to Randy. Earth to Randy.

Get your head out of your ass.

Markets don’t “reduce” volatility.

Markets “reflect” volatility.

As long as the buyers and sellers are able to draw water from the same well the buyers and the sellers will settle the question of volatility.

I am sure you know what happened to the price of natural gas when the legendary East Texas field came in. It traded at .01 per MCF. The highest price I have ever seen was $13.50 per MCF. That happened when California’s regulators, people who couldn’t organize a 2 car funeral, decided to ignore the hard learned lessons of Diocletian.

The price of a barrel of oil when I did my first transaction was $2.75. 

If FPL knows that it is going to use a certain amount of natural gas in 6 months, in 12 months, or 18 months, particularly if they will be buying it rather than producing it, it is incumbent on them to take whatever steps necessary to protect their shareholders and their customers. Failure to do so would make them poor stewards of their responsibilities.

[Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I “fracked” my first well in 1974. Further, I was CFO of a public company that mined coal in Kentucky and West Virginia. In 1998 I advised a foreign airline how to hedge itself against the vagaries of a functioning market.

For 2 decades I have been keening about the racism and bigotry of T. Woodrow Wilson. Now that the descendants of the long haired, antinomianistic, lower case Fascists of the ‘60s have discovered him I will have to end my long crusade against this horrible man and this terrible President.

I will let the “Trousered Apes” who believe that shitting on a police car is the highest form of civil discourse.

I mention Wilson because he was the favorite President of Progressives until FDR.

One of the things that Wilson did to endear him to the hearts of his Cossack followers was his work with utilities.

In return for allowing their rates to be subject to government review the utilities were guaranteed both a monopoly and a “fair” rate of return.

Pop quiz, you boob.

Define “fair”. Negative examples are verboten. Only declarative sentences and empirically self-evident data are allowed.

It’s ain’t so easy that way, is it?

Kevin Smith

PS – One more thing.

“At least with the hedging program, utilities can’t profit; 

they just avoid losses.”

loc cit

We have a very teachable moment here.

I presume you have automobile and homeowners’ insurance. When it comes time to renew them and you realize that you haven’t used them are you mad at the insurance company? Do you say that since you didn’t use them last year you won’t need them this year?

One more las thing.

Companies are not begun to avoid losses. Companies are begun to make money. Not just to make money but to make oodles and obscene boat loads of money.

Think Apple. Think GOOGLE. Think Solyndra. Think the Kardashians. Think the Clinton Crime Family Foundation. Think George Soros. Think Tom Steyer.

“It’s good to be the King” 

That’s the mantra of modern American Liberals.

It beats Viagra.

November 15, 2015

Just call me a highly literate curmudgeonly manatee trapping polar bear drowning Mozart loving Joyce reading bitterly clinging Burke and Madison awed old guy who would like his granddaughters, my 3 Texas Ladies, to live in a Civilization that nurtures and protects rights derived from Natural Law, rights that are ours at birth, rights that are “gifts from beyond the stars”, so that having been blessed and enriched by them they may pass them on to their grandchildren.

A simple enough request, no?

Herewith some rules to see that this will come to pass.

#1 – ALLAH AIN’T SO AKBAR – 13 centuries after Christ walked on this earth Dante took His church to task for not being true to His rules. 13 centuries after Mohammed, a goat humping paedophile, his votaries are doing now what they did for all that time. Less than 100 years after he founded his perverted religion his people were raping and ravaging as they rampaged across Europe. It is more than a bit ironic that they were stopped by the French. 1383 years later they stand at our gates and announce, Allah inshala, that they will kill the men, rape the women, crucify the sons, and sell the daughters into slavery.

Thank God I’m from Bayonne.

Should a burnoosed madman appear at the door of the Speedway Tavern and announce these things the people inside would take him at his word and act accordingly.

Honest Injun.

#2 – NUT CUTTING TIME – Belloc told us more than 100 years ago that there was an evil thing at the gates and on his face there was no smile. The “JV”, as recently as 2 days ago, was said to have been “contained”. Here is some breaking news. The Varsity showed up in Paris on Friday night. Two things “contained” them. They ran out of bullets and targets.  They certainly earned their varsity letter. So much for expecting a blood thirsty psychopath to “unclench his fist” because you asked him to do it in a deferentially obsequious manner. 

NUT CUTTING TIME happens when a Civilization decides to rid itself of a pestilence long tolerated. The only thing this tolerance has produced is a feeling of invincibility predicated on refusing to believe that “stones are hard and water is wet”. 

“The Constitution is not a suicide pact.”

Lincoln suspended the writ of Habeas Corpus. He also jailed an opposition Congressman.

He OKayed Sherman raiding the supposedly inviolate Census Bureau to get the addresses of Georgia’s big plantations. Sherman freed the slaves; FDR slapped some 175,000 aliens, many of whom were American citizens, into the pokey for the duration of WW2. 

Like Cincinnatus they returned to other lives when their job was done. 

No other country in History had ever done that before.

It is “time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war”. 

I am too old and beaten up to demand anything.

My granddaughters aren’t.

Even if we have to wait until January, 2017.

KEVIN SMITH

WARERIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS _ Where is the Muslim Dante? The Muslim Luther? The Muslim Shakespeare?  Abdul Salk? Farouk Gates? Yasir Yeats?  Fatima Curie? Will La Cage aux Folles be opening in Mecca any time soon? Will Manet’s Olympia be on display in the new Medina Museum of Art? Does Riyadh Tech have any “safe zones”? Have keggers caught on there yet? How about panty raids? Will “dancing boys” become an Olympic sport? Other than getting zero into the Canon, preserving falconry, and killing mockingbirds what else have they done in the last 1000 years? How about this for starters? Any Muslim terrorist, even the moderate ones, has his eyes shot out and is buried in a pig skin. Plus, send up a flare when a Swedish Lutheran is caught heading to a grammar school wearing a suicide vest. One more thing: the inspected influx of Muslim refugees, the ones who would have been expected to be good Democrats, stops. How about sending them to Cuba? Like a reverse Mariel. 

November 18, 2015

Mayor David Kiar

Broward County Commission

115 South Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Let my people come!

Mr. Mayor,

A lot of people say that being mayor of the Broward County Commission is a lot like having tits on a bull. Let me say that I am not one of those louts. Let me further say that you have a chance to debunk this base canard.

Enclosed are copies of letters I sent to the mayors of Ft. Lauderdale and Wilton Manors.

It’s time for Broward County to throw out the welcome mat for the Syrian refugees. 

Just because they behead and crucify as a recruiting tool is no reason for us to turn our backs on them now. Of course you should make clear that stoning of adulteresses and throwing homosexuals out of windows will not be tolerated. Also, you should make it clear that it will not be good PR for them to run around screaming that Jews are descended from pigs and monkeys. Be sure to tell them that “Death to America” falls comfortably within the accepted norms of free speech as put forth by the elders of the protocols of modern American Liberalism which is, as I am sure you know, HQed in Broward County.

Americans and Ayrabs! Perfect together! A true rainbow coalition!

Kevin Smith

November 17, 2015

Mayor Gary Resnick

City Hall

2020 Wilton Drive

Wilton Manors, FL 33305

RE: It’s “nut cutting” time for modern American Liberals, particularly those in your fair city.

  

Mr. Mayor,

Don’t you love it when a plan comes together?

Wilton Manors is known and celebrated all over the world for its tolerance, acceptance, indeed for its welcoming attitude to those of us who are not married to the outdated heterosexual norms.

Middle Eastern Muslims have reintroduced the word “defenestration” to the 6:00 news. The people getting the heave are practicing sodomites.

Now everything is turned upside down.

Shouldn’t Wilton Manors extend its rainbow-hued hand to the Syrian refugees? Bring them in. Make them feel welcome. Maybe a street fair featuring “dancing boys” try-outs would break the ice.

This is your chance to shine, so to speak.

Make us proud.

Kevin Smith

November 17, 2015

Mayor John P. “Jack” Seiler

City Hall

100 North Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: A time to stand up and be counted. Could it be Ft. Lauderdale’s Rendezvous with Destiny?

Mr. Mayor, 

With the possible exceptions of Zabar’s at noon on Sunday, brunch at one of Barbra Streisand’s various castles, or the coven gathering at the local farrier to see Debbie Wasserman-Schultz get her hair and her tongue sharpened I can think of no more a modern American Liberal place than Ft. Lauderdale,

For years I have been saying that – Allah Inshala – we will have 4^th and 5^th trimester abortions, manatee suffrage, and the public flogging of teenage bullies. At night I hum myself to sleep to the tune of “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”. Should you need a vocal fan if you decide to build a statue honoring the lives and deaths of the Rosenbergs you can count on me. Also, after all those years, I have come to the conclusion that if you can get over the Vietnam War and the more successful War on Poverty Lyndon Johnson wasn’t half bad.

[Do you think that if Dr. Mengele were to run in a Democratic primary for anything he would get 100% of the vote because of his progressive views on abortion? I do. Since I am originally from Hudson County, NJ I can assure that 100% can become 108% or 112% or whatever is needed to get the desired result.] 

Alas, my plans for the environment have failed to gain traction.

At the very least, as a symbolic show of solidarity with the drowning polar bears, city hall, the schools, the hospitals, the nursing homes, and the buses should turn off all their A/Cs.

And, since we are all aware of the inexorability of rising sea levels, shouldn’t the city discourage any building, commercial or residential, on any waterfront development?

In the end, if we are to believe the consensus of scientists and when have they been wrong, we are all doomed.

Shouldn’t mortgages and car loans of more than 2 years be discouraged?

Also, why not make the phrase “Don’t Buy Any Green Bananas” the official motto of the city?

But that’s not why I write.

Who said than modern American Liberals are, as C.S. Lewis said, “men without chests”? Not I and, hopefully, not you.

I hope I am not the first to reach out to reach out and ask, nay, demand that you use all your political skill and cunning to make sure that Ft. Lauderdale gets the first 1000 Syrian refugees. That’s 1000 each week. Every week.

Let NIMBY be made anathema.

Doubtless there will be some naysayers, particularly from the 1%ers who already have too much. Some of the wealthy shop keepers on Las Olas Boulevard and in the Galleria will object. It won’t take long before the tourists come to welcome the strange ways of our new friends. Besides, we both know that they will be the most reliable of Democratic Party voters, right?

Maybe the city can adopt a program encouraging local families to provide housing for our new friends.

As a serendipitous bonus the Pope, the darling of modern American Liberals, will be pleased He will shower us with blessings.

Modern American Liberals constantly hector us, and may I add “rightfully so”, of our duty, our obligation, and our moral responsibility to those poor unfortunates who are perpetually “unlucky in life’s lottery”.

It’s easy to talk the talk. 

It’s time to walk the walk.

Show us the way.

Kevin Smith

PS – You may want to take a peek at the city’s web site. It says the next election will be held on March 15^th.

November 22, 2015

Michael Mayo

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Guess which headline is yours

Mr. Mayo,

“Cleric Tells Mosque in Pembroke Pines

to Declare Jihad on ISIS”

“Saudi Arabia Sentences Poet to

 Death for Atheism”

I can’t keep a secret.

The one about Jihad is yours.

If a devout Christian were to say something even remotely comparable to that the reptiles that make up the coven of modern American Liberal truth dispensers would be on him like stink on shit. The whole nine yards – the evil Koch Brothers, the NRA, Friends of Fracking, Walmart, people who know that Hiss and the Rosenbergs were as guilty as sin, climate change deniers, like I said, “the whole nine yards” – would be in the opening barrage. 

Sheikh Sahafayat Mohammed, and let the record show that he will never be mistaken for Brad Pitt but that he makes Yogi Berra look like the aforementioned Mr. Pitt, wants to defeat ISIS “spiritually, intellectually, and physically”. [Italics mine]

Would it be a line too far if I were to say that with a puss like that he would have to be dead to get laid?

Sign me up for the physical part.

My favorite assault weapon is the BAR, the Browning Automatic Rifle. It’s getting harder and harder to get ammo. Do you think the Sheikh could help me?

Would you ask the Sheikh if he could tell me my why some of his forebears were raping their way across Europe less than a century after their irenic religion was founded? Also, why did a rampaging Islamic terrorist army show up at the gates of Vienna in 1683? I have a feeling that that they were not there to hear Bach play “Sheep May Safely Graze” on the cello that his pal Stradivarius made for him. Do you think they were there to stamp out the pigs and monkeys that make up today’s Jews? [Speaking of Vienna, has anyone yet found a copy of the Austrian/English dictionary that Obama, and blessed be his name, told us exists?]

“Saudi Arabia Sentences Poet to Death for Atheism”

That’s the other headline.

Try to imagine q devout Christian saying something likes that. The reptiles that make up the modern American Liberal truth tellers would be on him like stink on shit. 

Jeepers but there is something genetically wrong with that sentence.

On the other hand….

If a snake handling, gun totin’, Bush Baptist preacher were to say that the modern American Liberal elites [and you know who you are] would trample each other like Pamploma to get to a microphone. They would be apoplectic with cries of what happens when “slippery slopes” and “chilling effects” were not heeded. They would, with their second breath, call for the repeal of Citizens’ United.

It’s easy for you to pick and choose which freedom is good and which freedom is bad. You can do so because your favorite color is plaid.

Meanwhile, do you know if we can use dogs in the hunt for the berserk thugs who want to end our civilization? I have some older truffle pigs that would enjoy a return to the lists?

Should we give them a running start?

I love the smell of gun powder in the morning as you do. That plus some St. Louis rib aroma and we’ll run the bastards to ground in record time. Maybe a bounty for each Muslim terrorist nose would speed things up.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

November 22, 2015

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: What a guy! What a Christian thing to do! Some comments on your invitation – as good an example of agape as I’ve seen so far this Sunday morning – as told by you in today’s Sun Sentinel

Big Stein,

“Trust me, I’d rather have a Syrian refugee – they have an

18 month vetting process – as a neighbor than some wacko 

who has 2 dozen guns, a few AK-47s and might be more

than a tad unstable.
The Sun Sentinel

Today 

You

[Be advised that I will be filing a complete report with the PC Elders in the hate speech division. Wackos? A tad unstable? It sounds like you have to get your mouth washed out until you get your mind straight. That plus some community out-reach volunteer hours and you’ll be able to return to your exalted position as a modern American Liberal eclectic truth teller.]

But that’s not why I write.

“As a neighbor?”

How about as a house guest?

Little Stein is still in college so that frees up one bedroom.

Boss Stein might object but, for Christ’s sake, who wears the pants in your family?

You talk the talk but now it’s time to walk the walk. 

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH,NET 

PS – Are you on the Bernie Bolshie Bullshit Bandwagon yet? Confidential sources, sources that because of their confidentiality must remain anonymous, whisper in my ear that Bernie isthisclose to getting Gorbachev’s endorsement. I love being the bringer of flatulence, particularly if the venue is a mosque be it orthodox or progressive, but your claim about the Constitutional right of Syrian refugees to enter this country is false. You will have to dig deeply into the twin peaks of “permutations” and “emanations” to find any justification. What the Hell but there’s no sense in being a card carrying modern American Liberal unless you can finagle and origami the Constitution, right?

November 3, 2015

Senator Bernie Sanders

PO Box 905

Burlington, VT 05402

RE: A fairer tax code

Senator Sanders,

Enclosed please find my thoughts on increasing tax revenue by closing egregious loopholes.

#1 – Make the interest paid on municipal bonds taxable.

#2 – Repeal the deduction of local real estate taxes from federal taxes.

#3 – Tax people.

#1 will get as much as $50,000,000,000 more in Federal revenue. Beyond that there is a fundamental question of fairness. How many inner city Blacks own municipal bonds? Why should they subsidize rich White guys who do?

As to #2, why should renters, mainly people of color who have been perpetually unlucky in life’s lottery, have to pay an unfair share, a share not diluted by its deduction on Federal income taxes, of municipal services? It is bad enough that they have to run a daily gauntlet of racist police. It is made worse when they have to pay a disproportionate 

share of it.

#3 will require some finessing, some nuancing, may be even some Pelosing, as in “we have to pass it to see what’s in it”.

GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction was/is/shall be caused by one absolutely undeniable truth, however uncomfortable it may be to come to grips with it.

Rich First Worlders, mostly White or White wanabees, are destroying the planet by aggressive air conditioning, selfish eating habits, and reliance on electronic gizmos and thingamajigs.

Here is my plan. I hope you will give it consideration.

A – After one child there will be no more tax deductions. Further, if you have a second child you lose the tax deduction for the first. If you have more than two children you will pay a penalty equal to the amount you would have saved under the old tax code.

B - Vasectomies and tubal ligations will be performed at no cost to the patient. Further, the government will pay a bounty to each patient.

C - Medicare winds down after age 75. After 80 you are on your own. Joint replacements will be allocated on a lottery basis. Pain medication will become more holistic. Yoghurt, tofu, and seltzer shall be the basic menu for any nursing home receiving any government funds. Seasonal ambient temperatures, accompanied by eternally looping Vivaldi, shall be the norm in death houses.

D – 4^th and 5^th trimester abortions shall be subsidized and rewarded.

E – The Spartan method of infant inspection shall become the law of the land.

F – Sonographic evidence of pending multiple births shall be used to terminate any over one. Parents get to choose.

G – All maternity wards shall be named after either Margaret Sanger or Josef Mengele. 

Please use the above as starting points, as loci of discussions, to make us do what is right.

If I can be of any service you need but ask.

Kevin Smith

November 8, 2015

Ken Kay

The Sun Sentinel

kkaye@tribpub.co

RE: Thank God for ClimateChange! Without it we would still be in the Ice Age. Some comments on your Page 1 above the fold rant about the horror, the horror of rising sea levels. Ned Lud and Lysenko should be proud

Mr. Kaye,

My normal Sunday AM routine usually consists of an egg white omelet made with eggs from range free chicken, combined with fat-free tofu, and then mixed  with organic chard – domestic, of course – and then blended in my wind powered Nutri Bullet with a goodly amount of organic Tanqueray used to liquefy the potion. [As a media mogul could you tell me if you have heard about Planned Parenthood entering the manatee culling business? If they were to Margaret Sanger would be so proud.]

My grandfather was always amazed that there were more horses’ asses that there were horses’ heads. Save for a remake of The Godfather the number should always be equal, right? 

QED?

“South Florida sea levels outlook grimmer

New report rolls back ‘conservative’ estimate

and warns of flooding

The outlook for South Florida’s rising sea levels has

turned potentially catastrophic, as new long-term

projections estimate that the ocean will be six-and-a-half

feet deeper by 2100 under a worst-case scenario.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

Page 1

You

Since we’re talking about an 85 year-long event window could you give me the best case scenario? Any chance of Broward County turning into the Kalahari Desert? How about outdoor ski jumping? Could it become a new wine country? Move over Bordeaux. 85 years is a long time.

Speaking of 85 years, how about 46 years? In 1969 Professor Paul Ehrlich, Ph.D. published “The Population Bomb”. He is a guy who is so God-damn Homerically dumb that he makes my hair hurt. He couldn’t find his ass using both of his hands while he stood in a phone booth. Phone booth? Where did they go? He said we would all be dead by the year 2000. The only question was whether we would freeze to death or starve first. If you ever wonder why the words putz and ohmadahn survive and prosper read his book. On second thought, don’t. The combination of cataract and strabismus is not to be trifled with. Besides, it makes you more vulnerable to the dreaded ocular hemosepsis.

Pray tell, sir, but exactly what is the Florida Regional Climate Change Compact, the one with the altar that you regularly worship at? Any chance I could get a certified financial statement? How about a Federal tax return? Just like the Clinton Crime Family Foundation, OK? Did any of the key players work for Solyndra?

You say “the 5 year old estimate of rising sea levels is no longer valid”. [Again an aside but “truthful” and “valid” are not synonymous. They are not remotely interchangeable unless you want those words to mean exactly what you want them to mean. If you have working knowledge of the Trivium you will know what I mean.]

Speaking of “estimates”, when I lived in New Jersey I took care of my own pool for 26 years. There was no big secret to it. Stabilized tri-chloro above 90% was the key. Price, as in gasoline, was the deciding factor. I suppose this is as good a time as any to salute the giants of the fossil fuel industry, a proven combination of poverty ending and liberty enhancing men of vision without whom we would still be killing whales, particularly if we wanted to read at night.

One of the annual rituals was having the pool water analyzed. It didn’t matter where the water came from. Zephyrhills or Lourdes. The results would be the same. 

You would be handed a computer print-out that told you that the water was beyond toxic. Birds would die if they die if they flew over it. Preteens would be instantly struck with Grade 3 amblyopia. Women of a certain age were doomed to treacherous enuresis plus the heartbreak of psoriasis.

If you bought the emergency first responder kit of chemicals – Don’t ask. Of course they are organic -  for only $700 and had your water tested 3 times a week at no charge maybe you could use it by July 4^th .If you didn’t buy it your grandchildren would die before Flag Day. 

“What was the temperature of the water sample?”

That would end the discussion.

The higher the temperature the higher the burn rate of the chemicals. Constant testing would lead to buying more chemicals.

It was the Christmas Fruit Cake Circle writ large. 

Nobody eats them. Very few people have seen what’s inside the box. They are constantly re-gifted.  GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimate is cut from the same paradigmatic template so favored by mush-brained modern American Liberals.

Causation and correlation are the same. If we didn’t have tautologies we couldn’t think at all. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, my ass.

When supposedly rational adults begin by saying “The consensus of scientists agrees….” you may reach for your revolver. There is no “consensus” in science. There is only objective truth. It is both observable and replicable. Einstein said her only had to be proved wrong once. If you don’t believe me ask Ptolemy. Ask Fred Hoyle. Ask about the Piltdown Man. Ask about when tomatoes were considered poisonous and avocados were fed to dogs. Ask about the Loch Ness monster. Ask about the Bermuda Triangle. Have you ever wondered why all he undocumented extra-terrestrials, the ones flying around at Mach 10, the ones from one of the smaller moons of Jupiter, haven’t landed at half time of the Rose Bowl in the Rose Bowl? I have. 

Do you remember when cranberries were poisonous and would cause your hair to fall out? If beef is bad why don’t cows have heart attacks?

You cite one Natalie Schneider, Palm Beach County’s Climate Change and Sustainability Coordinator, a title that not even Sisyphus would try to overcome, who says “the issue is complex”.

It is not “complex” for the 1%. It is not “complex” for those who were lucky in life’s lottery. Whenever a piece of waterfront property becomes available dueling lawyers meet  at dawn with briefs and wire transfers in hand. An acre and a quarter of beachfront property on Biscayne Bay was sold recently for $125,000,000. That’s m as in million. With all that dough you would think that they could find somebody who would tell them not to buy it because it’s going to be a halfway house for injured snook. Why do mortgage companies compete to finance such deals? Why does the Federal government encourage home owners to insure their property with them?

Hasn’t anyone told them?  

To cite the great Reagan who oft-times said that “it’s not that Liberals are dumb it’s that there is just so much that they don’t know”. In your case I’ll make an exception.

Your statement that 2015 “likely will be the warmest year on record” simply is not supported by available evidence, empirical or otherwise. To make such a claim with absolute certitude as you have bespeaks a la Mencken, “the confidence of a true Christian with 4 aces”. 

Too bad you are wrong.

All is not lost.

Since 1997 I have been begging the Sun Sentinel to show us the way, to  prod us down the path that leads to happy snail darters and rising test scores. The solutioin is obvious.

TURN OFF ALL YOU’RE A/Cs!

Undrown all those polar bears. Too bad if you are a baby seal. [With Darwin it’s all or nothing, right?]

If they don’t, quit.

Your grandchildren will thank you.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET