December 15, 2015

Senator Edward Markey

222 Milliken Blvd - #312

Fall River, MA 02721

RE: 

Senator Markey

Who can forget the August, 1998 press conference given by President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs in the Rose Garden at the White House?

That was the one where he said with an eye for the obvious that it was hot in August in Washington. But then he went a step, a modern American Liberal step, too far. “It’s hot, he said, because of Global Warming. We get Global Warming because of hot days in August in Washington.” Honest to God but that’s what he said.

It’s easy to live without the binding corset of Logic. For 25 centuries Sophists of all stripes have made a good living doing so. They use tautologies, circular reasoning if you will. You can’t use the object to be defined as the definition. 

I was there that day with my extended family. I stood in front of the White House proudly wearing my ball cap with the words RIGHT WING CONSPIRATOR emblazoned on it. 

In one arm I held Caitlin the Fair, my oldest granddaughter, and to show the fugiting of tempus she will shortly be college bound on a scholarship. I raised the other arm, made a fist, and shouted “Come out you son of a bitch with your hands up. We have the place surrounded”. Alas, the grafter in residence did not respond to my righteous claim. So much for speaking truth to power. 

But that’s not why I write.

I watched the Senate hearings on climate change held on 12/8/15, the one where you removed all possibility of you being mistaken for being a man of honor. Prior to it you were always on the short list for one of my year end honors. I had always penciled you as potential 

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

Alas, it is not to be.

After your performance empirical evidence, real evidence, evidence as real as your boot, the evidence of my own eyes forced me to change my mind.

In keeping with tradition of Irish Catholic Senators from Massachusetts – Lurch Kerry and Lard Kennedy spring into sight – you lack the wit, not the desire, not the aspiration, to be smarmy.

Therefore, in my capacity as the Keeper of the Seal of the Great Awards, I hereby name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

In your cased I have waived the rules and made you a life member.

Wear your honor proudly. You got it the old fashioned way. You   earned it!

Pop quiz, you boob.

What color is an orange? Can you spell TV? Could you find sand at the beach?

Could you find your ass using both hands? Have you ever gotten lost on a ladder? Have you messed up any 2 car funerals lately?

It’s an open book quiz. Plus, you get 2 life line calls. Use them. No Bell Curve here.

Kevin Smith

PS – “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and you. Perfect together!

PS – And yes, I am Irish Catholic so spare me the hate speech crap, you twit.