December 15, 2015

Mayor John P. “Jack” Seiler

City Hall

100 North Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Those words mean exactly what I want them to mean”, I think.

Mr. Mayor,

I looove it when modern American Liberals meet with their foreign counterparts.  Ain’t the loon who runs the British Labour Party something else? Compared to him, Sanders, the bombastic Bolshie bellower, sounds like he works for the Koch Brothers. OK, OK, that’s a bit of a stretch. Anyway, they all sit around holding hands while singing Kumbaya.. They are proof positive of the continuing “triumph of hope over experience”, absent which modern American Liberalism could not exist. They then declare the problem solved and move on to a new one. Maybe it’s time for teenage obese bullying coupled with the heartbreak of psoriasis to get some of the attention it so desperately has earned and deserves.

Watching these feather merchants and mattress testers wolf down the organic foie de gras, munch down the non-Israeli escargots, do a Houdini on magnums of Talbot ’79 while using an off year Carton Charlemagne for white wine spritzers while solving the problems of drowning polar bears and disappearing water front properties makes me happy that the word “bullshit” has not yet been proscribed by the Nazi wanabee  Word Police. A week of gargling Centaur Royale and having Chateau Y’quem hot tub sessions and I would vote for thermonuclear destruction just to get a double cheeseburger and some Celebration Ale.

I listened to the overly hirsute Secretary of State, Jay Forbes Kerry, as he wet his britches when he proclaimed that the world was saved from itself – Thanks, Pogo – by bypassing Congress.

Kerry is 72 years old. Men that old shouldn’t have hair like that. It looks like it was Gorilla Glued on. Do you suppose his wife, Tereza, the mad cap Gypsy lady whose great grandfather and Obama’s great great grandfather were partners in the transportation business had a hand in it? The business was like an 18^th century Uber but they couldn’t make a go of it because they couldn’t solve the deadheading problem. It was the business that Newton and Wilberforce worked to end.

But that’s not why I write.

GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction weighs heavily on you. I am sure you have taken steps to prepare for the humongous loss of revenue when the tax flow from beachfront and waterfront property stops because a 26 foot wall of water – the dreaded but inevitable “Big One” – hits it.

The only thing that will stop “it” is when it tries to run over an Indian casino. Nothing contrived by devilish White men, except $, gets a leg over on them.

I don’t know what % of our budget is covered by those taxes but, believe me, there are not enough Mandarin moneylenders, the ones that Hillary Clinton hectored us on for all the time she was in the Senate, to bail us out. Bail in both the literal and figurative sense, of course.

What contingency plans have you made?

Can mere citizens, many of whom are proud Global Warmers, see them?

Do you think, as a deeply compassionate modern American Liberal, that the city should warn all potential property owners that they are doomed because of rising sea levels? Noah better go to 3 shifts. We warn people of the dangers of tobacco and alcohol. Why not this?

Kevin Smith

PS – What’s with the 2 names? John “Jack” is shorthand for what? It’s OK to like NASCAR. Come out of the closet even though your blue collars are probably from Brooks Brothers. Maybe you want to compete with Jimmy John’s. If you don’t, people may think you don’t know Jack shit. Also, I can’t get the box score on the Paris climate conference. What exactly did Paraguay, Kafiristan, Mali, and Brunei do? We know that they ate and drank like they were going to chair at midnight. Apparently their “Horizontal Tango Dance Card” was filled to Guinness Book proportions with special mention of the “bearded clam”, the universal symbol of pieceful relations. Get back to me, OK?