June 24, 2017

Chief Justice Jorge Labarga

Florida Supreme Court

500 South Duval Street

Tallahassee, FL 32399-1925

RE: Law & Justice…and do they ever meet?

Justice Labarga,

When it comes to reading the Constitution, the one drawn up in the taverns of Philadelphia during the hellacious summer of 1787 – Doubtless a precursor of the scourge of Global Warming or perhaps Climate Destruction or whatever du jour malady will soon be upon us – not being a lawyer has certain advantages. That is to say I can appreciate the History, the language, and the connection to the Natural law, a gift that is ours from birth, “a gift from beyond the stars”.

I don’t know if this note constitutes judicial notice but I think I have your attention.

I was cited for a parking violation on January 24, 2017.  The specific offense was blocking access to a handicapped space. At this point a combination of Samuel Beckett and Mel Brooks enter the tale. Since I have a duly authorized handicapped card, one that was properly displayed when I parked in the designated handicapped spot, I wondered to whom could I be denying access. Denying access to myself? To someone who wanted to steal my car? I searched in vain for the injured party.

I got my handicapped sticker the old fashioned way: I earned it. 3 titanium joints, 4 strokes, breast cancer, congestive heart failure, a hole the size of a shot glass on the top of my head, a scar that scares vampires on the back of my head, a scleral buckle on my left eye to keep it in, A-Fib, and COPD…. I will not be competing in the senior citizen anaconda wrestling contests, the ones that lighten the Medicare lists while getting senior citizens some much needed outside activities.

On June 13, 2017, I was operated on at Holy Cross Hospital in Fort Lauderdale. The probe, to which was attached a laser beam and, thankfully, a miniature TV camera, was inserted through my penis, into my bladder, through my ureter, and into my damaged kidney. Not halfway through the procedure the anesthesiologist noticed that my heart was heading towards an off sides penalty.  I woke up in ICU where I was destined to have the worst night ever in a hospital. When I was discharged it was with several powerful painkillers, some diuretics, some blood thinners and some unknown kidney drugs. 2 days later I called my attorney and suggested a continuance of my June 21^st traffic court date. He called me back and said continuances are not granted in traffic court.

2 matters leap to mind:

#1 – 1/24/17 to 6/21/17, my hearing date, does serious damage to the speedy trial doctrine, no? Keep in mind that I was not accused of a felony.

#2 – I was therefore unable to assist counsel in the presentation of my defense because everything hurt. Not quite like Ricky Ray Rector but at least in the same area code. The highlight of our trip to the court room, a court room just east of Alligator Alley, was the 3-emergency pit pee stops. Seeing as how I neglected to bring a back-up pair of trousers I used 2 johns and one large bush lest I appear in court wearing slacks with publicly announced micturition stains.

The story gets better as the hits kept coming and coming.

The professional and courteous hearing officer announced that the officer who issued the summons need not be present. Somewhere, “in the sacred chords of memory” I remember that someone wrote “to be confronted with the witnesses against him”. I thought that became double-helixed into the warp and woof of our basic freedoms. Those are the freedoms that Judges can neither modify nor amend. They can only confirm. I guess that only counts in Big Boy court.

The hearing office explained the appeals process very clearly. She explained to me that I should take pictures to present during the appellate process. My wit was sufficiently dimmed – better living through chemistry – that I did not ask how I could take pictures of something that wasn’t there. How about a picture of one hand clapping?  “A man upon oath holds his soul in his hands as if it were water. He opens his fingers at his peril.” Suppose I swore that my car was in Allen, Texas the day the [alleged] transgression took place? Why is the word of the mysterious traffic enforcer – I say “mysterious” because I did not have the opportunity to cross examine him. He could be a unicorn rancher in the Bermuda Triangle or have a Sasquatch grandparent. He might even believe in Global Warming – worth more than mine?

The hearing officer then presented me with a payment plan to ease the burden of my fine. Since the amount of the payments was greater than the amount of the fine the difference is implied interest with said interest not being disclosed as such. That clearly places it under the Truth in Lending law – a Federal law, I might add. There is ample precedent saying that the remedy for failing to disclose interest charged is the cancellation of the debt. 

Speaking of debt, that is where all my capital is. I say this because I cannot afford to appeal. It leaves me with a Hobson’s Choice. 

[By the by, should any matters concerning Uber or Lyft come before your tribunal Hobson of Hobson’s Choice may be useful in buttressing your decision, either way.]

N.B. that I began this note by contrasting law and justice. I think I have raised serious issues here. I remember, “with advantages”, Rumpole of TV fame. He said the 2 great English institutions, the ones that deserve to last, are the English breakfast and the presumption of innocence.

I can still get the former. The latter is in mortal peril. Can I use the terms, hackneyed as their promiscuous use makes them, “chilling effect” and “slippery slope”?

It is a small thing, “no bigger than a man’s fist on the horizon”, but one worthy of your attention.

The last time I appealed a lower court decision I wound up in the Supreme Court of the United States. Since the vote was unanimous it fell to the senior Justice to write the opinion. Thus, I became Thurgood Marshall’s last decision. The next day he resigned. I like to think I was the man responsible for Justice Clarence Thomas. At least there was some compensation for my efforts. 

The courtesy of a prompt reply would be greatly appreciated.

Kevin Smith

PS – At least 3 separate Constitutional issues, no? Plus, one in common law and Federal law, yes? Or will it be “He arado en el mar” yet again?

June 22, 2017

Congressman Cedric Richmond

Kommandant – Congressional Black Caucus

200 Derbigny Street #3200

Gretna, LA 70053

Congressman Richmond,

I don’t know if you succeeded Congressman Livingstone, another Black ladron who would and did steal a hot stove, but if you did you have big boots to fill. 

I consider it a sign of racial progress that corrupt Black legislators are increasing at a rate that Affirmative Action advocates can only dream of.  I daresay the big word exponential could be used. Congresswoman Brown of Florida, she of the clock stopping face and meaner than cat shit demeanor, actually said that she stole money to help her keep her boyfriends.  Then we had Alcee Hastings who, after having his black-robed ass impeached and thrown off the Federal bench, was elected from a “safe” seat, a seat so “safe” that Step-N-Fetchit would have been elected. [It would have been unanimous if OJ had run.] The people of Florida, in their collective wisdom, chose to send a convicted felon to Congress rather than send a naïf who would have been corrupted. It saved the time and uncertainty of the learning curve.

But that’s not why I write.

I am going to show my White-privileged elitism by using some terms from traditional Logic. Logic was first constructed by dead White European males to confuse addled 3^rd Worlders. It has worked superbly well for 25 centuries  Buckle up, you tomnoddy.

Once you construct a universal from a particular, say for example the melanin overloaded Professor of Sociology at Trinity College who said “White people are inhuman” and, further, should they be shot, EMTs “should let them fucking die”, you have grievously offend Logic. He was referring to your colleague Congressman Scalise whose only sin was that he had an uncle who used to hum “Old Black Joe”. His father liked Amos & Andy and he was thought to have some Heckle & Jeckle comic books when he was 6. That’s reason enough to shoot his cracker ass and let him die. Plus, his Aunt Scarlett thought that the Davis-Bacon Law was a very good way to keep uppity Nigrahs in their place.  Although the law is 85 years old it is still a touchstone of today’s Democratic Party. Maybe they haven’t told you yet but if the Koch Brothers in congress try to repeal it….yikes….will you get your marching orders, right quick. You will be like a swarthy Horatius at the bridge doing your Massa’s bidding. Count on it. Horatius?

[As an aside, how did 8 years of Hope and Change work out for you and yours? How many of the Brothers are farting through silk while they take their first pre- breakfast sip of their first 40 ouncer? 80 years after public housing - Who can forget the glory days of  Pruitt-Igoe and Currie’s Woods? I can’t – there is still one common denominator: nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to live there. The only contender for Hellhole Housing is called Section 8 Housing. Look it up. Get back to me if I’m wrong.]

This ties into your refusal to meet with President Trump how?

Simple enough, you dunce. 

Here’s a scissors. Cut off your nose. Look in the mirror and say “I told you so.”

Have a press conference and insult the guy with the “juice”. Tell him next time it’s Adios to your orejas, Then your thumbs. Then, finally, your Johnson. That will show him, you betcha. [Sometimes I wonder if the things that melanin deprived Professor Murray are falsely accused of saying just might be true.]

More than 60 years after Brown v Board of Education why can’t Kwame and Keisha read as well as Herschel and Hephzibah? More than 60 years after the hugely successful War on Poverty, a war with treasure wasted and lives lost 10 times, 20 times, the amounts charged to all other wars, why are “you” still poor?

And yet “you” march off like zombies to vote for your slave masters. The only thing dumber is Charley Brown falling for Lucy promising that this time she won’t drop the football. Wait a minute. He comes out of an ink bottle. “You” come out of an unaborted womb.  If you are interested in Black genocide try to figure out why 6% of the population [Black women] accounts for more than 35% of the abortions every year. Talk about Affirmative Action on steroids! No confusion about goals not being quotas there.

If OJ gets sprung next month can H. Rap Brown and Willie Horton be far behind?

Why not try to get them a talk show? OJ can talk about how close he is to finding the real killers, Willie can talk about White racism, and can there be any other kind, and how it made him rape and murder, and Brother Brown can talk about his marvelous book “Die Nigger Die”. Now that Oprah is canoodling with Gayle there is a TV opening for articulate Black folks with an edge. 

If you do get to rap with the big guy tell him how much you enjoyed his Comey tapes shtick. [Jews are everywhere, aren’t they?] Tell him it reminded you of Plato and the fast one he pulled on the world with that Atlantis caper. OK, OK it didn’t go 25 centuries but Trump’s heart was in it.

Kevin Smith

PS – Any chance of an autographed copy of “Die Nigger Die”?

June 2, 2017

Terence T. McDonald

The Jersey Journal

One Harmon Plaza

Jersey City, NJ 07004

RE: Rich Kushner & poor Jersey City -  Some comments on your article about how those “unlucky in life’s lottery” have not shared in the largess and lucre “created” by the conniving 1%ers.

Mr. McDonald,

Did you say the Trumpsters are renting apartments in Jersey City for $5,300 a month? Each month? Every month?

Are they anywhere near Henderson Street? I loaded trucks there for Merchants Refrigerating in 1961. I made $2.80 an hour. [Tony “Pro” was the local Teamsters President] To be fair, it was before the New Frontier and the Great Society kicked in. At that rate I couldn’t afford to drive past the place.

I was born and raised in Bayonne, NJ. And yes, I can tell you stories about Row A All the Way, about why the Hudson County jail was known as the Taj Mahal, about Snake Hill being sold for land fill, about Hague’s 3% kickback and how Beneficial Finance became, after gin mills, the largest commercial renter in Hudson County, about the $900 waste baskets and $4,500 school windows in 1958, and about Uncle Willie, my grandmother’s baby brother, and his time as a sand hog and beer seller in the Holland Tunnel.

After more than a century of modern American Liberal benevolent despotism sections of Jersey City, specifically the non-Trump sections, could be used as a back drop for a sit-com about being an obese, bullied teen in Kabul.

Is there a pattern here?

Chicago, AKA, Baghdad West. Detroit, once known as America’s Athens, now has its urban predators both, 2-legged and 4, Washington, DC, where the Mayor once said, “If you don’t count the murder rate it’s a very safe city”, can’t forget Newark and Camden, [I can’t leave Paterson, Passaic, and Atlantic City off the Garden State urban honor roll, can I?]  St. Louis, Baltimore, Los Angeles…… and on and on and on and on

It would be offensive to Logic to confusingly conflate correlation with causation but I see a pattern developing here.

Where Democrats rule, chaos reigns.

If you have evidence, empirical data as real as your boot, to contradict my imperfect thesis please present it for my perusal.

Do you remember when Hoboken declared itself a nuclear-free zone? I miss the moral clarity of the good old days, don’t you?

Kevin Smith

PS – Do you remember when the Jersey City Medical Center was run by Jersey City? There was a Mayor, would you believe one of 3 who went to prison in a period of less than 20 years with another one having to resign because he wasn’t a citizen, who Xed out the Psychiatry department saying “We’ll have none of the voo-doo in Jersey City”. $63,000 a year in rent? Thank God we have, as you tell us, “Chris Perez, a 40 year old community activist”, to remind us of the fundamental unfairness of it all.

One more thing. 

How in the name of Gene Scanlan, Fred Cranwell, and Cas Rakowski did the Jersey Journal wind up in Secaucus? Why not Short Hills or Essex Fells?

June 2, 2017

Mayor Philip Levine

One Convention Center Drive

Miami Beach, FL 33139

RE: Just two more questions, maybe 3, maybe more

Mayor Levine,

Shades of Peter, the Big Fisherman!

I saw you on TV last night thrice deny the question of “How will the US sending the $3,000,000,000 that Obama promised to the wowsers, bounders, grifters, scalawags, and poltroons of the Paris Accord lower the waters on the gentle streets of Miami Beach? 

Asked 3 times; not answered 3 times.

For the 4^th and last time, how will it mitigate the rising seas that threaten to inundate South Beach? Your modern American Liberalism gives you the perfect cover for not answering. Why muss the waters, so to speak, by confusing the issue with inconvenient facts?

BTB, how will you cope with dropping property values, particularly water front properties? 

You mention how proud you are of the pumps you use to lower the rising seas as they cascade on to your streets. [Didn’t Bahama Salama, as Fatso Kennedy used to call him, promise to “cool the earth and calm the seas”? Wasn’t that a “red line in the sand” promise? You don’t have to answer because it may incriminate you.] 

I have asked you, also 3 times, where does the water you pump go? It can’t go East because it would come right back on to Lincoln Road. If you pump it North, the 1%ers at Indian Creek would have your guts for garters. If you pump it South Joe’s Stone Crab will take you off their pol comp list. If you pump it West the EPA will be on you for piscatorial insensitivity like the KKK robes that Senator Robert “Sheets” Byrd [D-WV], the Cicero of the Senate, used to wear.

 Where does the water go?

Kevin Smith

June 4, 2017

75 years after Midway, I can state, unreservedly and unequivocally, that Auden was wrong. Not only wrong, but gravity defyingly wrong. In “September 1, 1939” he said “We must love another or die”.

He wrote that “in a dive on 52^nd street at the end of a low, dishonest decade”.

Only one aide: By the time I started to search for that “dive” it had been urban-renewaled out of existence, to be replaced by condos and cocktail lounges. I did find the dive where Dylan Thomas and Brendan Behan hung out. I was most pleased to introduce my son to it. As to the “low, dishonest decade’, ask Walter Duranty or Ambassador Kennedy or Lillian Hellman or any other of the Hitler-loving modern American Liberals who bent over frontwards, backwards, and sidewards to help the thug in the Kremlin.

It is the burnt finger syndrome – The Banality of Evil? – a condition that protects the extended digit from current or future pain, pain caused by past pain, pain coupled with the willing disbelief of civilized people confronting uncivilized people doing what they were genetically coded to do.

Yet again the snarls of “Allah Akbar” fill the night air and yet again innocents are slaughtered by votaries of a religion that considers independent thought or a healthy skepticism that is a hallmark of Western Civilization an apostasy punishable by death. It is a religion that only requires a dull mind, a large van, a sharp knife, a pipe bomb, and a large crowd of unsuspecting infidels. And yes. I and my children have walked on that bridge in London

 2 months after Pearl Harbor we began the messy task of rounding up 150,000 dirty yellow Jap bastards, savage Kraut pricks, and thuggish Dagos. Harsh language? I don’t think so. If Madonna can stand a block from the White House and exhort the mind-numbed robots listening to her to “blow the place up”, if Kathy Griffin, that old side-splitting, knee-slapping comediennecan hold up a severed, bleeding head of Donald Trump that succeeded in scaring the bejeezus out of his 11 year old son – Ken Jennings, listen up, I only have one good leg left but I will kick your ass so hard that you will have to take your socks down to evacuate your bowel – if they can say that and be shielded by the First Amendment, I can say “dirty yellow Jap bastards”, “savage Kraut pricks”, and “thuggish Dago thugs”, can’t I? In fact, if such noted modern American Liberals such as Senator Robert Byrd [D-WVA] and Bill Maher can say the dreaded ‘N’ word, the word that guilt-filled White men dare not say, I can say “nigger” too, can’t I? If I can’t, why can’t I? “Nigger, nigger” because before he came to be known as a modern-day Cicero – the Roman, not the crime town next to Chicago – Byrd, the head Kleagle of the KUKluxKlan, said it twice on national TV.

Nobody, particularly those sages afflicted with “eclectic indignation”, ever cared to comment that FDR, in a stroke of pure political genius, got Earl Warren, the hero of American Progressives, to do the dirty work and heavy lifting of internment by invading the supposedly sacred Census Bureau, just like Sherman did in 1864, and what a glorious surge it led to, and Salama Yobama commanded Lois Lerner to do likewise in 2012. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

The people who stormed London Bridge last night, the people who thought they were at Tours, at Malta, at Lepanto, at Vienna, at Omdurman, at the World Trade Center - and who says time doesn’t fly because I just blew through 14 centuries in pursuit of 72 infidel virgins – have chosen to step outside the wide circle of civilized society. Those still inside the circle must react overwhelmingly, disproportionately, indiscriminately, and incessantly.

Since they have no compunction about blowing up little girls, how about, before enhanced interrogations, we have them sleep on a lard bed? How about pig fat IVs? How about pork loin suppositories? How about the menu choice be limited to 2 items? Hog bellies or hog shit. How about giving them either hog skin winter coats or wet tee shirts? How about treating them like they treat us? Dare I say “Kill them all, God will know his own”?

Auden said “In the end we must love one another”.

Attention Englishmen! “Bomber” Harris took 1000 Lancasters over Germany to say “We are coming”. Must we also sharpen the knives of these “filthy little guttersnipes”?

Saint Francis of Assisi, Dorothy Day, and Mother Teresa can only survive in a society that nurtures, protects, and supports them Could Saint Paul go to a Sharia-run country and preach in the temple to the unknown God? No and No. And, unlike the Romans, they would cut his head off because there are no unknown Gods.

MECCA DELENDA EST

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Speaking of Midway…All hail Torpedo Squadron 8, America’s 20^th century Spartans. Also, praise to Cdr. Walter I. Chapman, MD, Corporal Leonard Putnam, Staff Sergeant John Lonergan, PFC Frank Rickey, Denis Greenough, and Steven Gregg. They told us to sleep well because they were on the wall protecting us. Having “seen the elephant” they know what must be done. lest we perish.

June 4, 2017

Mayor Jack Seiler

City Hall

100 North Andrews Aveneu

Ft. Lauderdale. FL 33301

Mayor Seiler,

First of all, I want my $20 back. I sent you the dough to give to the guy who feeds the homeless. I figure that makes him the only true Christian in the joint. Send it back because based on your quotes in today’s Sun Sentinel and your later appearance on Putney’s TV show you are a horse’s ass of Homeric, indeed Brobdanaglian proportions, and probably incapable of counting past 20 unless you are in the shower. By the way, don’t forget to take your shoes off before you turn the water on.

There is a pernicious rum or going around that you were graduated from a supposedly major university and that you are an attorney.

Did you ever take any History courses?

Did you ever read the Constitution?

You say, as if there no adults reading the story, that you will continue to obey the protocols of the Paris Climate Accord. [Pop quiz – Why wasn’t it submitted to the Senate as the Constitution requires, for its advice and consent? Just asking.]

But wait. There’s more.

Does the Florida Constitution and the Ft. Lauderdale charter allow you to conduct foreign policy?

Also, despite the shrill, Noah-like Jeremiads about rising sea levels, have the values of waterfront properties gone down? Shouldn’t you, as Mayor, begin to plan for drastically reduced tax revenues. If, as you like to say, the “science is settled” what will we do when the tsunami of hotel tax dollars and traffic ticket revenues, so to speak, dry up?

Do you think Fanny Mae should continue to buy those mortgages?

Should the people of Iowa continue to insure those properties?

Wouldn’t it be a Section 10b5 violation – you are a lawyer, aren’t you? – one involving civil fraud, if you failed to disclose material information about these risks?

President Trump will not be sending any of the $3,000,000,000 to the poltroons who run the Paris Climate Accord. That’s the first installment on the swag that Obama promised. Should the good citizens of our fair city, along with concerned citizens of other similarly inclined cities, try to make up the difference by raising taxes? That only seems fair, right?

Speaking of foreign policy, did you support Obama’s “red line in the sand” statement about Syria and poison gas?

Would you have supported 3 Presidents in 48 years – all Democrats and thus all modern American Liberals – who promised “never to send American boys to fight in foreign wars”?

Take your time. Plus, it’s an open book test.

Lay off the gin when you take your AM meds.

Kevin Smith

PS – I know you are worried about the drowning polar bears. So are lot of your constituents. May I suggest that you turn off all the A/Cs in municipal buildings for the next 4 months to show your solidarity with them? And how about banning private cars for getting to and from work? You go first. The people, particularly the city employees, will love it and you. I’m betting the over on whether you need more than one hand to find yur ass, OK? Don’t forget my $20?

June 4, 2017

Letters to the Editor

The Sun Sentinel

500 E. Broward Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: Expensive at half the price

Sirs and lady,

I want my $3.18 back. In fact, I want everybody’s $3.18 back.

In less time than it takes me to check my manatee traps I read the Sunday Sun Sentinel. I have transferred it to the smallest room in the house in case I run out of Charmin.

If I don’t get the dough, all the dough, right quick, I will, like Madonna, “blow the place up”.

Govern yourself accordingly.

Kevin Smith