Posts
January 20, 2013
Gary Stein
The Sun Sentinel
RE: Nazis – A comment or two on your column in today’s Sun Sentinel
Big Stein,
Thank you for volunteering to be the big time media mogul for the recently formed “Committee to Horse-Whip Bob Schieffer”. You must remember that he compared the NRA to the Nazis. If you think it is a word too far can we expect a fire and brimstone column about it? How about a wing nut and a “moon bat” reference?
Should all of President Obama’ recommendations become law – and even if they don’t he intends to enforce them anyway, right? – do think we will ask gun permit applicants “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Nazi Party”? Forget the Hollywood Ten. We’ll have the Pikeville, KY 6,392, the Liberty City 2,314 and Rosie O’Donnell under oath. Do you think we could get that vile succubus Lillian Hellman to make an appearance? I think it would be fair to say that she would be on the side of the inquisitors this time.
POP QUIZ
Which modern American Liberal’s writings served as the basis for
The Nuremberg Race Laws?
[Answer below]
Since you brought up Hitler and the Holocaust with the always useful admonition to “read up” on both I feel that I owe it to the ledger to point out a lingering “Black Hole”, particularly for mALs. There is no better definition of “eclectic indignation” than the comparison of the West’s reaction to the first two Holocausts of the 20th century.
Stalin gave the chop to between 6,000,000 and 10,000,000 Kulaks. That Hitler was a better record keeper than Stalin there can be no doubt. Hitler saw that the liberal democracies did nothing when Stalin turned Ukraine into an abattoir for Jews. Perhaps he knew before the poet set the line down that “after the first death there are no others”.
Speaking of “reading up” on History, a refresher course on Walter Duranty is required. Lance Armstrong has to give back his medals and some cash. He didn’t kill anybody. Duranty was a bought and paid for agent of the KGB. He was also the Moscow correspondent of the New York Times. He won a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that there were no deaths in the Ukraine. To this day the NYT still carries his name on their All-Star list. Bastards.
Hitler simply raised the stakes. Mao made both of them look like odd-lotters.
Since nobody cared about the Jews in Russia, why would they care about the Jews in Germany? Weren’t they, as Chamberlain said, “a faraway people of whom we know little”?
If you want to put any Amendment on the “slippery slope” to the dreaded “chilling effect” syndrome why not pick on the 3rd? Nobody, but nobody, likes that one.
Do you remember the novel “The Rogue Male”? Would the world have been better off if the hunter, using an admittedly unlicensed assault rifle, had put a bullet into Hitler’s eye? A big bullet, one that could take out a bear. Yes or no?
KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
As promised….
MARGARET SANGER
Sunday, January 27, 2013
January 27, 2013
Michael Putney
Channel 10
RE: Some comments on this morning’s TV show, akin to “reaching across the aisle”.
Dear Michael,
There I was this AM, twirling my handlebars, trying to settle on the next major Texas-style ass whipping candidate, when you said that 5 Presidents had been assassinated. How could I have forgotten about…about…I don’t know. Allah be praised for Google.
As to the contretemps surrounding the proposed raid on the public treasury to build Marlins Stadium I hark back to my annual pleas to Miami Herald Big Boss Man Tom Fiedler.
I always told him to keep a watchful eye from his aerie in the posh 1%er suite at Herald HQ. As soon as he saw the water level of Biscayne Bay rising – not to be confused with tides, mind you – he was to call me collect. The phone never rang. I guess the rising water level, something that the consensus of scientists tells us is beyond dispute just like their illustrious predecessors believed that Ptolemy was right and that tomatoes were poisonous, went North where it is drowning polar bears. I’m OK with that because I don’t want to see anything happen to those oh so cute precious little adorable baby seals.
My annual main plea was simple.
50% of the electricity produced in this country comes from burning coal. 50% of the electricity consumed in this country goes to power A/Cs.
We all know that coal loves to eat the ozone layer, to kill the rain forests, to cause hurricanes, to ungild lilies, to cause Global Cooling, to cause Global Warming, to cause Climate Change, to allow mean-spirited people to prosper at the expense of the undeserving poor, to cause falling FCAT scores, to cause smoking, to cause friction between previously peaceful neighbors – Think the Flems and the Walloons + the Serbs and the Croatians – to allow children of single moms to suffer from lower self-esteem leading to teenage obesity and the heartbreak of psoriasis, and, worst of all, to cause swarms of the hated merdes les Quebecois to soil our fair land.
My solution was simple.
Turn off all the A/Cs at Herald World HQ.
Open the windows.
Another idea before its time. Just like manatee sausage for the homeless.
If Miami/Dade gets euchred into turning the other teat [The Dolphins have the first one] over to Boss Ross it must demand that no roof is to sit on a publically funded stadium within its jurisdiction.
Start the games at dawn, start them at midnight. Don’t aid the destruction of the planet so corporate types can abuse the tax code by entertaining fat cat clients.
I went to a game in Green Bay in November. The Packers should play all their home games in the Rose Bowl.
Just one thing more.
Loved that suit.
All you need is a screaming red tie and you’ll head the line for the back-up role for Nathan Detroit the next time “Guys & Dolls” comes through town.
If you are looking for a new, hip climatologist I suggest Professor Vivaldi of the Venice School of the Permanent Things.
KS
Michael Putney
Channel 10
RE: Some comments on this morning’s TV show, akin to “reaching across the aisle”.
Dear Michael,
There I was this AM, twirling my handlebars, trying to settle on the next major Texas-style ass whipping candidate, when you said that 5 Presidents had been assassinated. How could I have forgotten about…about…I don’t know. Allah be praised for Google.
As to the contretemps surrounding the proposed raid on the public treasury to build Marlins Stadium I hark back to my annual pleas to Miami Herald Big Boss Man Tom Fiedler.
I always told him to keep a watchful eye from his aerie in the posh 1%er suite at Herald HQ. As soon as he saw the water level of Biscayne Bay rising – not to be confused with tides, mind you – he was to call me collect. The phone never rang. I guess the rising water level, something that the consensus of scientists tells us is beyond dispute just like their illustrious predecessors believed that Ptolemy was right and that tomatoes were poisonous, went North where it is drowning polar bears. I’m OK with that because I don’t want to see anything happen to those oh so cute precious little adorable baby seals.
My annual main plea was simple.
50% of the electricity produced in this country comes from burning coal. 50% of the electricity consumed in this country goes to power A/Cs.
We all know that coal loves to eat the ozone layer, to kill the rain forests, to cause hurricanes, to ungild lilies, to cause Global Cooling, to cause Global Warming, to cause Climate Change, to allow mean-spirited people to prosper at the expense of the undeserving poor, to cause falling FCAT scores, to cause smoking, to cause friction between previously peaceful neighbors – Think the Flems and the Walloons + the Serbs and the Croatians – to allow children of single moms to suffer from lower self-esteem leading to teenage obesity and the heartbreak of psoriasis, and, worst of all, to cause swarms of the hated merdes les Quebecois to soil our fair land.
My solution was simple.
Turn off all the A/Cs at Herald World HQ.
Open the windows.
Another idea before its time. Just like manatee sausage for the homeless.
If Miami/Dade gets euchred into turning the other teat [The Dolphins have the first one] over to Boss Ross it must demand that no roof is to sit on a publically funded stadium within its jurisdiction.
Start the games at dawn, start them at midnight. Don’t aid the destruction of the planet so corporate types can abuse the tax code by entertaining fat cat clients.
I went to a game in Green Bay in November. The Packers should play all their home games in the Rose Bowl.
Just one thing more.
Loved that suit.
All you need is a screaming red tie and you’ll head the line for the back-up role for Nathan Detroit the next time “Guys & Dolls” comes through town.
If you are looking for a new, hip climatologist I suggest Professor Vivaldi of the Venice School of the Permanent Things.
KS
January 27, 2013
David Giambusso
The Star Ledger
Star Ledger Plaza
Newark, NJ 07102-1200
RE: Guns & Language & Logic – Some comments on your article about Newark Mayor Booker’s flaccid [sic] stance on gun control in today’s Star Ledger.
Mr. Giambusso,
You write…
“…despite Newark recording roughly six times the
numbers of murder per capita than New York –
the vast majority due to guns…”
[Italics mine]
If guns cause murders would not Logic dictate that umbrellas cause rain?
Having been in a gunfight in Newark on June 3, 1993 – Yes, that one – I know full well the power of weapons, particularly when they are used up close and personal.
Since a hole in the ten ring is usually clear and well-formed I suggest that your argument can be better made if you language is the same.
Kevin Smith
PS – It’s been quite a few years since I have been in Newark. The last time I saw your building – perhaps redoubt would be a better word – it did not yet have a moat. Is that still the case?
David Giambusso
The Star Ledger
Star Ledger Plaza
Newark, NJ 07102-1200
RE: Guns & Language & Logic – Some comments on your article about Newark Mayor Booker’s flaccid [sic] stance on gun control in today’s Star Ledger.
Mr. Giambusso,
You write…
“…despite Newark recording roughly six times the
numbers of murder per capita than New York –
the vast majority due to guns…”
[Italics mine]
If guns cause murders would not Logic dictate that umbrellas cause rain?
Having been in a gunfight in Newark on June 3, 1993 – Yes, that one – I know full well the power of weapons, particularly when they are used up close and personal.
Since a hole in the ten ring is usually clear and well-formed I suggest that your argument can be better made if you language is the same.
Kevin Smith
PS – It’s been quite a few years since I have been in Newark. The last time I saw your building – perhaps redoubt would be a better word – it did not yet have a moat. Is that still the case?
Monday, January 21, 2013
January 20, 2013
Stephen L. Goldstein
The Sun Sentinel
RE: Politics and the ever present G-d thing – Some comments on your usual upbeat column in today’s Sun Sentinel.
My dear Professor,
This time you may be on to something.
I know that you would have sent Reverend Jerry Falwell on a one-way trip to Gehanna. Alas, he’s dead. Will you join in my crusade to ban Reverend Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton from being in the public political arena in any way, manner, shape, or form?
You wiil?
Good. Scratch that. I mean grrrreat!
The next thing is simple.
I will relieve you of all your US money – both currency and specie – that makes any reference to G-d. Begin with Annuit coeptis. “He has blessed our undertakings” not only gives you a chance to do away with G-d you get a chance to put the knock on sexism also. Two birds with one stone, so to speak. In God We Trust must cause your billfold to become unbearable.
If you give it all to me I promise to dispose of it in an environmentally sensitive manner. It depends on how much you have but some single malt whisky might be involved in the final solution.
Since G-d is now banned allow me to say AllahDamn you.
How sterile, how barren must your world be?
I’ll still pray for you if for no other reason than your knowledge of my hope of divine intervention should cause your knickers to knot like a tourniquet.
Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
Stephen L. Goldstein
The Sun Sentinel
RE: Politics and the ever present G-d thing – Some comments on your usual upbeat column in today’s Sun Sentinel.
My dear Professor,
This time you may be on to something.
I know that you would have sent Reverend Jerry Falwell on a one-way trip to Gehanna. Alas, he’s dead. Will you join in my crusade to ban Reverend Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton from being in the public political arena in any way, manner, shape, or form?
You wiil?
Good. Scratch that. I mean grrrreat!
The next thing is simple.
I will relieve you of all your US money – both currency and specie – that makes any reference to G-d. Begin with Annuit coeptis. “He has blessed our undertakings” not only gives you a chance to do away with G-d you get a chance to put the knock on sexism also. Two birds with one stone, so to speak. In God We Trust must cause your billfold to become unbearable.
If you give it all to me I promise to dispose of it in an environmentally sensitive manner. It depends on how much you have but some single malt whisky might be involved in the final solution.
Since G-d is now banned allow me to say AllahDamn you.
How sterile, how barren must your world be?
I’ll still pray for you if for no other reason than your knowledge of my hope of divine intervention should cause your knickers to knot like a tourniquet.
Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
January 20, 2013
Michele Obama – FLOTUS
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20500
Mrs. Obama,
Although both you and your husband were painting furniture at Burville Elementary School in Washington, D.C. I am writing to you rather than your husband.
He has a very busy schedule what with the constant interviewing for the perfect teleprompter and his never ending quest – akin to OJ’s search for the real killers – for the elusive Austrian/English dictionary. plus he has Libya and Mali and who knows what else those mischievous Africans will do.
Two things about your maintenance work:
#1 – I admired your painting technique. At least you knew not to grab the fuzzy end of the brush.
#2 – Why isn’t your youngest daughter enrolled in Burrville Elementary School? Why isn’t your oldest daughter in one of the really fine public high schools in DC? You are a tenant in public housing, aren’t you? Why shouldn’t your daughters share the joys of DC public education like the rest of the tenants in public housing?
Some might call it hypocrisy. I call it “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. Need a translation? Send a SASE.
Kevin Smith
Michele Obama – FLOTUS
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20500
Mrs. Obama,
Although both you and your husband were painting furniture at Burville Elementary School in Washington, D.C. I am writing to you rather than your husband.
He has a very busy schedule what with the constant interviewing for the perfect teleprompter and his never ending quest – akin to OJ’s search for the real killers – for the elusive Austrian/English dictionary. plus he has Libya and Mali and who knows what else those mischievous Africans will do.
Two things about your maintenance work:
#1 – I admired your painting technique. At least you knew not to grab the fuzzy end of the brush.
#2 – Why isn’t your youngest daughter enrolled in Burrville Elementary School? Why isn’t your oldest daughter in one of the really fine public high schools in DC? You are a tenant in public housing, aren’t you? Why shouldn’t your daughters share the joys of DC public education like the rest of the tenants in public housing?
Some might call it hypocrisy. I call it “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. Need a translation? Send a SASE.
Kevin Smith
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
January 13, 2013
Linda Campbell
Ft. Worth Star-Telegram
PO Box 1870
Ft. Worth, TX 76001
RE: Hillary Clinton and why we should pray for her recovery because what would we do without her – Some comments on your article in today’s Sun-Sentinel
Ms. Campbell,
As a proud founding member of the “vast Right-Wing conspiracy”, the bête-noire of Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Javert-like pursuer of the truth about her, I am always glad to receive new information about the 20th century’s poster girl for publically abused spouses.
Beginning with her senior thesis on the irenic qualities of Saul Alinsky to her being hired by the largest law firm in Arkansas just after her husband was elected Attorney General of Arkansas to being made a partner by the largest law firm in Arkansas just after her husband was elected Governor of – you guessed it! – Arkansas to making $100,000 on cattle futures [Her broker was named Red Bone. That name must be preserved] just by reading the Wall Street Journal to being named an outside director of Wal-Mart because of her vast retail experience [Whatever else the big boys in Bentonville are they ain’t dumb. What better way to get an inside track, if you know what I’m saying, to Governor Handsome Billy from Hot Springs] to the ethically challenged moral slag heap that was Whitewater to containing perpetual “Bimbo Eruptions” by turning a blind eye to her husband’s wandering one-eyed trouser snake and the rumors that he would hump a snake if someone would hold its head, I have followed her career with great interest.
And that was before she got to the White House.
Your article adds a few things to my ever increasing treasure trove of truths revealed by the Church of Modern American Liberalism about her.
#1 – “Dissect” a blood clot? That’s usually done by the smartest doctor in the hospital. The only drawback is that he does it the day after she died. It’s called an autopsy and RIP Jack Klugman for putting a human face on them. Blood clots are dissolved.
#2 – You say her concussion was “announced” in mid-December. By whom? The ghost of Vince Foster? “New York lawyer” Bernie Nussbaum? [“NY lawyer” is modern American Liberal shorthand for Jew. Honest] Emily’s List? NARAL? In addition to working overtime to save everybody, even those of us who don’t want to be saved, she apparently went to medical school on line. Something, no doubt, to fill in all those hours in the air taking up the White Woman’s burden. Not since Luke the Physician and Dr. Zhivago have we had a practitioner who could both self-diagnose and treat a concussion. Perhaps this could be an answer to our never ending medical crisis. To Hell with adding an extra bedroom. Build a do it yourself E.R. It wouldn’t take long before every neighborhood would have somebody who could do a pneumonectomy. A win-win
all around, no?
#3 – You say part of her medical condition should not be made public. I like to think that Vice President Henry Wallace was dumped in 1944 for 2 reasons. A – Roosevelt was dying and –B- the wise old men, patriots all, in the Democratic Party could not imagine him in the Oval Office. Didn’t the people have a right to know about Senator Kennedy’s ailments and addictions before the election? I remember Senator McGovern saying that he was “1000%” behind Senator Eagleton before he defenestrated him.
#4 – You mention her “greatest asset”. You are a bit obtuse but I think you mean her mind.
Not so.
Her greatest asset was the decades’ long tolerance of her husband’s philandering ways. Now chastened, perhaps a loss of extramural libido helped, he is playing catch-up ball by trying to get back to the White House by getting her into the Oval Office. The last time Billy had “a bit of the gobble” with Monica he was in the Oval Office and Hillary was upstairs. She’ll be downstairs trying to make “rainbow stew” the official soup of the newly named Washington Native Americans and he’ll be upstairs playing hide the salami with zoftig Monica.
The woman would shame Ananias. She is a disaster and a train wreck waiting to happen.
If you can reach her tell her I have 5 different blood thinners in my medicine chest. Also, I have the inside skinny on leeches. I would be happy to share any or all with her, particularly since I am not a physician.
Has anyone looked into the possibility that the blood clot was self-induced? After 65 years of hearing that cacophonous cackle of a laugh, a laugh that makes one pine for finger nails on a blackboard, her brain may have said Basta!,
Meanwhile, the 4 Americans killed in Libya are going to be dead for a very long time. The only person in jail for this is the movie producer of whom she said the US would “get” because his film caused the murder and mayhem.
I would like to know, under oath, what Hillary the harridan knew and when did she know it.
If I were to say, like Wanda Sykes who said of Rush Limbaugh, “I hope his kidneys fail”, or Julianne Malveaux who said that she hoped Clarence Thomas’s wife fed him so he would have a stroke, or Michael Moore who said he “wished that more Republicans died on 9/11”, that I hope her carotid artery does a back flip would that make me “cruel and unfair”?
I hope so.
Kevin Smith
Linda Campbell
Ft. Worth Star-Telegram
PO Box 1870
Ft. Worth, TX 76001
RE: Hillary Clinton and why we should pray for her recovery because what would we do without her – Some comments on your article in today’s Sun-Sentinel
Ms. Campbell,
As a proud founding member of the “vast Right-Wing conspiracy”, the bête-noire of Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Javert-like pursuer of the truth about her, I am always glad to receive new information about the 20th century’s poster girl for publically abused spouses.
Beginning with her senior thesis on the irenic qualities of Saul Alinsky to her being hired by the largest law firm in Arkansas just after her husband was elected Attorney General of Arkansas to being made a partner by the largest law firm in Arkansas just after her husband was elected Governor of – you guessed it! – Arkansas to making $100,000 on cattle futures [Her broker was named Red Bone. That name must be preserved] just by reading the Wall Street Journal to being named an outside director of Wal-Mart because of her vast retail experience [Whatever else the big boys in Bentonville are they ain’t dumb. What better way to get an inside track, if you know what I’m saying, to Governor Handsome Billy from Hot Springs] to the ethically challenged moral slag heap that was Whitewater to containing perpetual “Bimbo Eruptions” by turning a blind eye to her husband’s wandering one-eyed trouser snake and the rumors that he would hump a snake if someone would hold its head, I have followed her career with great interest.
And that was before she got to the White House.
Your article adds a few things to my ever increasing treasure trove of truths revealed by the Church of Modern American Liberalism about her.
#1 – “Dissect” a blood clot? That’s usually done by the smartest doctor in the hospital. The only drawback is that he does it the day after she died. It’s called an autopsy and RIP Jack Klugman for putting a human face on them. Blood clots are dissolved.
#2 – You say her concussion was “announced” in mid-December. By whom? The ghost of Vince Foster? “New York lawyer” Bernie Nussbaum? [“NY lawyer” is modern American Liberal shorthand for Jew. Honest] Emily’s List? NARAL? In addition to working overtime to save everybody, even those of us who don’t want to be saved, she apparently went to medical school on line. Something, no doubt, to fill in all those hours in the air taking up the White Woman’s burden. Not since Luke the Physician and Dr. Zhivago have we had a practitioner who could both self-diagnose and treat a concussion. Perhaps this could be an answer to our never ending medical crisis. To Hell with adding an extra bedroom. Build a do it yourself E.R. It wouldn’t take long before every neighborhood would have somebody who could do a pneumonectomy. A win-win
all around, no?
#3 – You say part of her medical condition should not be made public. I like to think that Vice President Henry Wallace was dumped in 1944 for 2 reasons. A – Roosevelt was dying and –B- the wise old men, patriots all, in the Democratic Party could not imagine him in the Oval Office. Didn’t the people have a right to know about Senator Kennedy’s ailments and addictions before the election? I remember Senator McGovern saying that he was “1000%” behind Senator Eagleton before he defenestrated him.
#4 – You mention her “greatest asset”. You are a bit obtuse but I think you mean her mind.
Not so.
Her greatest asset was the decades’ long tolerance of her husband’s philandering ways. Now chastened, perhaps a loss of extramural libido helped, he is playing catch-up ball by trying to get back to the White House by getting her into the Oval Office. The last time Billy had “a bit of the gobble” with Monica he was in the Oval Office and Hillary was upstairs. She’ll be downstairs trying to make “rainbow stew” the official soup of the newly named Washington Native Americans and he’ll be upstairs playing hide the salami with zoftig Monica.
The woman would shame Ananias. She is a disaster and a train wreck waiting to happen.
If you can reach her tell her I have 5 different blood thinners in my medicine chest. Also, I have the inside skinny on leeches. I would be happy to share any or all with her, particularly since I am not a physician.
Has anyone looked into the possibility that the blood clot was self-induced? After 65 years of hearing that cacophonous cackle of a laugh, a laugh that makes one pine for finger nails on a blackboard, her brain may have said Basta!,
Meanwhile, the 4 Americans killed in Libya are going to be dead for a very long time. The only person in jail for this is the movie producer of whom she said the US would “get” because his film caused the murder and mayhem.
I would like to know, under oath, what Hillary the harridan knew and when did she know it.
If I were to say, like Wanda Sykes who said of Rush Limbaugh, “I hope his kidneys fail”, or Julianne Malveaux who said that she hoped Clarence Thomas’s wife fed him so he would have a stroke, or Michael Moore who said he “wished that more Republicans died on 9/11”, that I hope her carotid artery does a back flip would that make me “cruel and unfair”?
I hope so.
Kevin Smith
January 16, 2013
One less novice at the altar of the Western Canon
There I was, itching in anticipation, pens at the ready, wit honed, waiting for the starter’s gun, ready and eager to begin my novel. It was going to be based on Dante’s ditty, La Commedia. I was then going to adapt it for the Broadway stage. If a musical about an Argentinean hooker can run for 30 years this could go for a century.
Alas, it was not to be. Perhaps “Curses! Foiled again” will do.
I was at the critical, toes on the line, “I am born” moment when I learned that Al Roker shit in his pants in the White House.
The after-action report might read “Incontinent bowel in Federal building” but that doesn’t change the fact that Al Roker, America’s favorite non-threatening Negro weatherman, shit in his pants in the White House.
Al, having had a 40 year regimen of endless carbs, lard IV, crème brulee mouth wash, pizza is a food group, Big Mac shampoos, had bariatric lap band surgery.
It worked so well that he shit in his pants in the White House.
Honest.
I hope he was wearing a dark suit. That way, when you shit in your pants in the White House, it will feel good for a while before anyone notices that you shit in your pants in the White House.
There is a certain euphony to the line “I shit in my pants in the White House” that is not to be found “I shit in my pants in the Bada Bing Club”, no?
Someone who shits in his pants at the beginning of a 3 hour plane ride is a man,
literally, to step aside for/from.
But someone who shits in his pants in the White House indeed is a man for all seasons. Finally, the line “as welcome as a fart in church” has been topped.
But then comes word of a New York City subway rider who fell to his death as he was passing between cars because he – You guessed it! – was trying NOT to shit in his pants.
“Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error.” That is why I put down my still-born fiction pen’
Yeats was right.
“Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold…
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…
The ceremony of innocence is drowned.”
Pity.
I had a great idea about a one-legged guy and a whale. Also, uno viejo fishing by himself and a green light across the pond and a….
Who knows where they could have gone?
Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
One less novice at the altar of the Western Canon
There I was, itching in anticipation, pens at the ready, wit honed, waiting for the starter’s gun, ready and eager to begin my novel. It was going to be based on Dante’s ditty, La Commedia. I was then going to adapt it for the Broadway stage. If a musical about an Argentinean hooker can run for 30 years this could go for a century.
Alas, it was not to be. Perhaps “Curses! Foiled again” will do.
I was at the critical, toes on the line, “I am born” moment when I learned that Al Roker shit in his pants in the White House.
The after-action report might read “Incontinent bowel in Federal building” but that doesn’t change the fact that Al Roker, America’s favorite non-threatening Negro weatherman, shit in his pants in the White House.
Al, having had a 40 year regimen of endless carbs, lard IV, crème brulee mouth wash, pizza is a food group, Big Mac shampoos, had bariatric lap band surgery.
It worked so well that he shit in his pants in the White House.
Honest.
I hope he was wearing a dark suit. That way, when you shit in your pants in the White House, it will feel good for a while before anyone notices that you shit in your pants in the White House.
There is a certain euphony to the line “I shit in my pants in the White House” that is not to be found “I shit in my pants in the Bada Bing Club”, no?
Someone who shits in his pants at the beginning of a 3 hour plane ride is a man,
literally, to step aside for/from.
But someone who shits in his pants in the White House indeed is a man for all seasons. Finally, the line “as welcome as a fart in church” has been topped.
But then comes word of a New York City subway rider who fell to his death as he was passing between cars because he – You guessed it! – was trying NOT to shit in his pants.
“Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error.” That is why I put down my still-born fiction pen’
Yeats was right.
“Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold…
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…
The ceremony of innocence is drowned.”
Pity.
I had a great idea about a one-legged guy and a whale. Also, uno viejo fishing by himself and a green light across the pond and a….
Who knows where they could have gone?
Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
Saturday, January 12, 2013
January 11, 2013
Jay Carney – Press Secretary
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
RE: What else don’t you know about the Constitution? Let me count the ways.
Mr. Carney,
Your comments about the Second Amendment not being able to trump the First
Amendment indicates that you are a devout, practicing member of the Church of Modern American Liberalism. That is to say, there are no “permanent things” in your makeup. The Rule of Law may as well be from one of Jupiter’s moons. One of Jupiter’s lesser moons.
The Constitution doesn’t care whether or not Hillary Clinton has an exponentially expanding arse. It does not care if a picture of Senator Barbara Mikulski can stop a clock or soothe rampaging, ruttingly rabid Tasmanian Devils. It pays no attention to Michael Moore’s wish that “more Republicans had died on 9/11”. Bill Maher’s suggestion that Donald Trump had at least one Simian forebear is of no Constitutional concern. [As an aside, didn’t we all come from apes?] The Constitution is neutral on whether Muhammed was a goat humper before he became a paedophile or the other way around. Whether or not Bush was Hitler would cause no ruffles in the Constitutional Convention. As far as the Founders would have been concerned the New York Times was free to call Abraham Lincoln a “baboon”. The “fill in the blanks” birth certificate of Obama or the destruction of the World Trade Center being caused by “fill in the blanks” do not cause great Constitutional concern. If Joy Behar wants to work for a company that condones cliteroidectomies of pre-pubescent girls, with the instrument of choice being the ragged edge bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle, that’s OK with the Constitution. [I can picture her in a burqa.] If someone says the President, despite being tarred by VP Curley Biden as a “bright, clean, articulate Negro”, is really a dumb bastard for saying Austrian is spoken in Austria or there are 57, maybe 58, states that’s OK.
With the exceptions of protesting in front of abortion clinics or suggesting that the Gay life style may not be the best way to live to a ripe old age speech, unrestrained by the gentle hand of government, is still relatively free in this country.
There is an African-American Library in Broward County. Honest. Would it be wise, First Amendment notwithstanding, for a melanin challenged reader to go the front desk and ask for Dick Gregory’s autobiography by name? Its one word title, the “dreaded ‘N’ word that no White man dares use”, is verboten to some races.
I guess “speech is free but some speech is freer than others”.
Are the clouds parting? What’s that up there? Why it’s no larger than a man’s fist on the horizon. God’s Holy Trousers! The language couldn’t be any clearer. “CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW…” is as plain as your boot.
I shant get into Natural Law. If I were to tell you about Rights being ours “from beyond the stars” I might cause an overload. Your job is too difficult what with telling all those half, quarter, and eighth lies that other people command you to say. That was the nature of the job before you took it and it will be the nature of the job when you leave.
It would prove interesting if all White House Press Secretaries swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth before each press conference. “A man upon oath holds his soul in his hands as if it were water. He opens his fingers at his peril” would be a tonic before claiming that 4 Americans were killed in Libya because of a bad movie.
The Federal rules on either commission or omission constituting fraud would also apply. That means you can be convicted of fraud for not saying something.
The brouhaha concerning uber cheeky Brit Piers Morgan – the thought of him being around as long as Mick Jagger makes me want to find the nearest Exit door – raises no Constitutional questions
Apparently, some 125,000 Americans, consumers all, have decided that, not only should Piers Morgan be fired, he should be deported. They have petitioned the White House to get his smarmy Limey ass on the next plane bound for Heathrow. The First Amendment speaks directly to the issue: No law shall infringe on the “right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances”. Funny how things work out. The 125,000 petitioners, doubtless many of whom are homophobic red-necks, were exercising their First Amendment rights to protect the Second Amendment.
Morgan’s employer will make a commercial decision based on its customers’ wishes. Morgan, having no Constitutionally protected speech, will stay or go predicated on the rational self-interest of his employer.
A non-Governmental entity can censor its employees whenever it desires. Come to think of it the United States Government frequently silences its employees
Professed members of a religious order, having taken the vow of obedience, have willingly waived any claims of censorship should their views run counter to the views of those to whom obedience has been pledged. The Catholic Church is replete with stories of conflicts between conscience and duty. The government cannot be involved.
If an employer decides that it will be the official policy of his company that the world is flat that is the policy. Objecting employees have no Constitutional protection. Protections such as burning an American flag or dressing up as Nazis and marching through a Jewish neighborhood yelling “Todt Juden”, are protections from the Government preventing them from so doing
ESPN apologized because a football TV commentator said that a beautiful woman was….beautiful. In our present culture the commentator will soon emerge from his re-education camp and beg forgiveness for saying that a beautiful woman was…beautiful.
ESPN fired a Black announcer for saying that an empirically Black quarterback wasn’t Black enough.
ESPN made a judgment that its first duty was to protect the interests of its lenders and the equity of its shareholders. It was freedom of choice that enabled them to adopt a stance that would have impressed Dante. Rather than have one member of the Nation of Perpetually Outraged Victims become, you know what I’m saying, outraged they were quite willing to keelhaul 2 employees. They will publically flay whatever is left.
The First Amendment was not damaged. “Slippery slopes: or “chilling effects”, those precious lodestones of modern American Liberalism, are not germane here.
The aforementioned Piers Morgan sneered at a copy of the Constitution as a “little book”. Only a fan of the E.U. could show contempt for the Law like that. Maybe his country would be better off with a written tablet of what the Government can do and, more importantly, what it cannot do. I am told there are some parts of the Midlands where even the retired Judges are tarred and feathered.
You may wish to familiarize yourself with our “little book”.
If you want to shit can an amendment, I suggest the Third Amendment. You remember that one, don’t you? I’ll bet you have to look it up.
Kevin Smith
Jay Carney – Press Secretary
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
RE: What else don’t you know about the Constitution? Let me count the ways.
Mr. Carney,
Your comments about the Second Amendment not being able to trump the First
Amendment indicates that you are a devout, practicing member of the Church of Modern American Liberalism. That is to say, there are no “permanent things” in your makeup. The Rule of Law may as well be from one of Jupiter’s moons. One of Jupiter’s lesser moons.
The Constitution doesn’t care whether or not Hillary Clinton has an exponentially expanding arse. It does not care if a picture of Senator Barbara Mikulski can stop a clock or soothe rampaging, ruttingly rabid Tasmanian Devils. It pays no attention to Michael Moore’s wish that “more Republicans had died on 9/11”. Bill Maher’s suggestion that Donald Trump had at least one Simian forebear is of no Constitutional concern. [As an aside, didn’t we all come from apes?] The Constitution is neutral on whether Muhammed was a goat humper before he became a paedophile or the other way around. Whether or not Bush was Hitler would cause no ruffles in the Constitutional Convention. As far as the Founders would have been concerned the New York Times was free to call Abraham Lincoln a “baboon”. The “fill in the blanks” birth certificate of Obama or the destruction of the World Trade Center being caused by “fill in the blanks” do not cause great Constitutional concern. If Joy Behar wants to work for a company that condones cliteroidectomies of pre-pubescent girls, with the instrument of choice being the ragged edge bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle, that’s OK with the Constitution. [I can picture her in a burqa.] If someone says the President, despite being tarred by VP Curley Biden as a “bright, clean, articulate Negro”, is really a dumb bastard for saying Austrian is spoken in Austria or there are 57, maybe 58, states that’s OK.
With the exceptions of protesting in front of abortion clinics or suggesting that the Gay life style may not be the best way to live to a ripe old age speech, unrestrained by the gentle hand of government, is still relatively free in this country.
There is an African-American Library in Broward County. Honest. Would it be wise, First Amendment notwithstanding, for a melanin challenged reader to go the front desk and ask for Dick Gregory’s autobiography by name? Its one word title, the “dreaded ‘N’ word that no White man dares use”, is verboten to some races.
I guess “speech is free but some speech is freer than others”.
Are the clouds parting? What’s that up there? Why it’s no larger than a man’s fist on the horizon. God’s Holy Trousers! The language couldn’t be any clearer. “CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW…” is as plain as your boot.
I shant get into Natural Law. If I were to tell you about Rights being ours “from beyond the stars” I might cause an overload. Your job is too difficult what with telling all those half, quarter, and eighth lies that other people command you to say. That was the nature of the job before you took it and it will be the nature of the job when you leave.
It would prove interesting if all White House Press Secretaries swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth before each press conference. “A man upon oath holds his soul in his hands as if it were water. He opens his fingers at his peril” would be a tonic before claiming that 4 Americans were killed in Libya because of a bad movie.
The Federal rules on either commission or omission constituting fraud would also apply. That means you can be convicted of fraud for not saying something.
The brouhaha concerning uber cheeky Brit Piers Morgan – the thought of him being around as long as Mick Jagger makes me want to find the nearest Exit door – raises no Constitutional questions
Apparently, some 125,000 Americans, consumers all, have decided that, not only should Piers Morgan be fired, he should be deported. They have petitioned the White House to get his smarmy Limey ass on the next plane bound for Heathrow. The First Amendment speaks directly to the issue: No law shall infringe on the “right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances”. Funny how things work out. The 125,000 petitioners, doubtless many of whom are homophobic red-necks, were exercising their First Amendment rights to protect the Second Amendment.
Morgan’s employer will make a commercial decision based on its customers’ wishes. Morgan, having no Constitutionally protected speech, will stay or go predicated on the rational self-interest of his employer.
A non-Governmental entity can censor its employees whenever it desires. Come to think of it the United States Government frequently silences its employees
Professed members of a religious order, having taken the vow of obedience, have willingly waived any claims of censorship should their views run counter to the views of those to whom obedience has been pledged. The Catholic Church is replete with stories of conflicts between conscience and duty. The government cannot be involved.
If an employer decides that it will be the official policy of his company that the world is flat that is the policy. Objecting employees have no Constitutional protection. Protections such as burning an American flag or dressing up as Nazis and marching through a Jewish neighborhood yelling “Todt Juden”, are protections from the Government preventing them from so doing
ESPN apologized because a football TV commentator said that a beautiful woman was….beautiful. In our present culture the commentator will soon emerge from his re-education camp and beg forgiveness for saying that a beautiful woman was…beautiful.
ESPN fired a Black announcer for saying that an empirically Black quarterback wasn’t Black enough.
ESPN made a judgment that its first duty was to protect the interests of its lenders and the equity of its shareholders. It was freedom of choice that enabled them to adopt a stance that would have impressed Dante. Rather than have one member of the Nation of Perpetually Outraged Victims become, you know what I’m saying, outraged they were quite willing to keelhaul 2 employees. They will publically flay whatever is left.
The First Amendment was not damaged. “Slippery slopes: or “chilling effects”, those precious lodestones of modern American Liberalism, are not germane here.
The aforementioned Piers Morgan sneered at a copy of the Constitution as a “little book”. Only a fan of the E.U. could show contempt for the Law like that. Maybe his country would be better off with a written tablet of what the Government can do and, more importantly, what it cannot do. I am told there are some parts of the Midlands where even the retired Judges are tarred and feathered.
You may wish to familiarize yourself with our “little book”.
If you want to shit can an amendment, I suggest the Third Amendment. You remember that one, don’t you? I’ll bet you have to look it up.
Kevin Smith
Saturday, January 5, 2013
January 3, 2013
Steve Blow
The Dallas Morning News
PO Box 655237
Dallas, TX 75265
RE: Readin’, Ritin’, ‘Rithmetic – Pass the hat and help Johnny read – Some comments on your column in today’s DMN on the unfairness of it all.
Mr. Blow,
A cold Texas morning was made warmer by your aptly titled column “Texas Legislators Deserve Dunce Cap”. I say “aptly” because 2 centuries of empirical evidence scream at us the still unlearned lesson that “no man’s property is safe when the legislature is in session”. A one size fits all universal proof of this would be the War on Poverty. It was begun 49 years ago. The money spent cannot be counted; the enemy is still in command of the high ground. You are welcome to question my facts, my methodology, or my conclusion.
I am here from Florida, sunny warm Florida I quickly add, visiting my family, particularly my 3 Texas Ladies – 14, 10, and 8 – all of whom are in public school.
Whenever I write to any public person in re education, “a school for people who will not learn elsewhere”, I must ask certain questions.\
#1 – If you have children of school age do they attend public school? If not, why not?
#2 – If you had children of school age did they attend public school? If not, why not?
You would be surprised at the answers, or lack of answers, I get when I ask that question of people who are bound by the flexible standards set by the church of modern American Liberalism. [I’ll spare you the details of a P.T.A. meeting in West Orange, NJ where I was called a Nazi. My response was protected by the criminal libel statutes of New Jersey.]
Florida has the dreaded FCAT tests. They are given to show whether or not the student has met the minimum requirements for the aforementioned “readin, ‘ritin, & ‘rithmetic. Members of the “Spend More” school say that it forces poor schools to have students “study for the test”. I watched the mighty Allen Eagles perform last week. Certain situations shouted that absent repeated “studying for the test” drills the result would have been different. Why can’t the same Logic apply to quiscumperfecto verbs or osmotic tendencies?
Alas, my suggestion, a fundamentally diverse, multi-culturally sensitive one I might add, of raising scores and self-esteem in Geometry scores by changing Pi from 3,1416 to 3.0 has failed to gain traction in Florida.. Do you think it may have a chance here?
Full disclosure demands that I tell you that my plan to butcher manatees so as to provide sausage for the homeless. My reason is rooted in the tenets of Darwin and secular humanism. If the high point of the life of an Alpha male manatee is to float on his back and have sorry assed people fling week old endive at him to better prepare him for his apex moment, swimming into a whirling propeller, isn’t it time for them to go? If it is, why not let their demise be of some good to those who have fallen through the so called safety net?
I stopped at the point in your article where you said that “one recent study ranked Texas 49th in per-student spending”. [I have long searched for the mythical sign that says “Welcome to Arkansas. Mississippi is worse.”]
If pre-student spending is the key to educational success perhaps you can tell me why the Obama children are not enrolled in any of the fine, I mean really, really fine public schools in Washington, DC? After all, they are tenants of a public housing project. You may remember that in the heady days of February, 2009 Obama signed an executive order that essentially mandated that all children living in public housing in DC attend public schools. Was there a hidden codicil that said “Do as I say, not as I do”? [I have oft-times wondered why 50 or 60 homeless folk don’t spend the night in the white4 House. Don’t you agree that it is too big a house for just 4 people? Incidentally, the official DC homeless shelter is literally across the street from the United States Tax Court. Honest.]
I suggest, inter alia, that any system that pays bad employees as much as it pays good employees is doomed to, at best, the worst of all possible world: Mediocrity. How many times have you heard students shouting “We’re number 9”?
I suggest that any system anywhere that pays bad workers anything is offensive to Logic and inimical to the common weal. Am I a fool to assume that the Trivium is still valid in Texas? If it is the present system must be ripped out root and branch and flung as violently as possible from the highest parapet. Although their methods may today seem harsh the good people of Salem, MA solved their witch problem in the late 17th century. The evidence of your own eyes tells you that witches are no longer a problem there. The next project is the Kennedys but that is not on the table here.
Herewith 2 suggestions for helping Texas Johnny read:
#1 – Hazard pay and bonuses up to 100% of their salary for any teacher volunteering to teach in “Blackboard Jungle” schools will be a recruiting tool. Extra consideration will be given to any applicant possessing a valid concealed weapons permit.
#2 - History teachers, math teachers, biology teachers, English teachers…everybody who stands in front of a class room – the children are our future, aren’t they? – and tries to enroll new members in the Western Canon will be held to the same standards as the football coach.
Results, not effort, will the sole criterion for success. I suggest that I can still play football as hard as Johnny Manziel. I know that I can’t play it as well.
Speaking of football, one last thought.
There is still time.
You, as a big time media mogul, must try to get the NFL to cancel the playoff game between Washington and Seattle
It is safe to say that, what with the reelection of President Obama, we are now in a post-post racial society.
Isn’t it time we put away the offensive things of our past?
The only thing the name Washington Redskins has going for it is that it is marginally less offensive that the name and logo of the Cleveland Indians. Saying those names or, worse, having paraphernalia from them must be considered a hate crime and must be prosecuted as such.
How about “Hail to the Beleaguered Long Suffering, Indigenous Persons”? How about the “Washington Abos”? Instead of fans dressing up as Hogs how about having them wear outfits suggesting the benefits of tofu?
It’s almost time to get back to Florida.
My plan to reduce the burden on Medicare by having single elimination senior citizen/python wrestling contests needs to be fine-tuned before being presented to the public.
Kevin Smith
Steve Blow
The Dallas Morning News
PO Box 655237
Dallas, TX 75265
RE: Readin’, Ritin’, ‘Rithmetic – Pass the hat and help Johnny read – Some comments on your column in today’s DMN on the unfairness of it all.
Mr. Blow,
A cold Texas morning was made warmer by your aptly titled column “Texas Legislators Deserve Dunce Cap”. I say “aptly” because 2 centuries of empirical evidence scream at us the still unlearned lesson that “no man’s property is safe when the legislature is in session”. A one size fits all universal proof of this would be the War on Poverty. It was begun 49 years ago. The money spent cannot be counted; the enemy is still in command of the high ground. You are welcome to question my facts, my methodology, or my conclusion.
I am here from Florida, sunny warm Florida I quickly add, visiting my family, particularly my 3 Texas Ladies – 14, 10, and 8 – all of whom are in public school.
Whenever I write to any public person in re education, “a school for people who will not learn elsewhere”, I must ask certain questions.\
#1 – If you have children of school age do they attend public school? If not, why not?
#2 – If you had children of school age did they attend public school? If not, why not?
You would be surprised at the answers, or lack of answers, I get when I ask that question of people who are bound by the flexible standards set by the church of modern American Liberalism. [I’ll spare you the details of a P.T.A. meeting in West Orange, NJ where I was called a Nazi. My response was protected by the criminal libel statutes of New Jersey.]
Florida has the dreaded FCAT tests. They are given to show whether or not the student has met the minimum requirements for the aforementioned “readin, ‘ritin, & ‘rithmetic. Members of the “Spend More” school say that it forces poor schools to have students “study for the test”. I watched the mighty Allen Eagles perform last week. Certain situations shouted that absent repeated “studying for the test” drills the result would have been different. Why can’t the same Logic apply to quiscumperfecto verbs or osmotic tendencies?
Alas, my suggestion, a fundamentally diverse, multi-culturally sensitive one I might add, of raising scores and self-esteem in Geometry scores by changing Pi from 3,1416 to 3.0 has failed to gain traction in Florida.. Do you think it may have a chance here?
Full disclosure demands that I tell you that my plan to butcher manatees so as to provide sausage for the homeless. My reason is rooted in the tenets of Darwin and secular humanism. If the high point of the life of an Alpha male manatee is to float on his back and have sorry assed people fling week old endive at him to better prepare him for his apex moment, swimming into a whirling propeller, isn’t it time for them to go? If it is, why not let their demise be of some good to those who have fallen through the so called safety net?
I stopped at the point in your article where you said that “one recent study ranked Texas 49th in per-student spending”. [I have long searched for the mythical sign that says “Welcome to Arkansas. Mississippi is worse.”]
If pre-student spending is the key to educational success perhaps you can tell me why the Obama children are not enrolled in any of the fine, I mean really, really fine public schools in Washington, DC? After all, they are tenants of a public housing project. You may remember that in the heady days of February, 2009 Obama signed an executive order that essentially mandated that all children living in public housing in DC attend public schools. Was there a hidden codicil that said “Do as I say, not as I do”? [I have oft-times wondered why 50 or 60 homeless folk don’t spend the night in the white4 House. Don’t you agree that it is too big a house for just 4 people? Incidentally, the official DC homeless shelter is literally across the street from the United States Tax Court. Honest.]
I suggest, inter alia, that any system that pays bad employees as much as it pays good employees is doomed to, at best, the worst of all possible world: Mediocrity. How many times have you heard students shouting “We’re number 9”?
I suggest that any system anywhere that pays bad workers anything is offensive to Logic and inimical to the common weal. Am I a fool to assume that the Trivium is still valid in Texas? If it is the present system must be ripped out root and branch and flung as violently as possible from the highest parapet. Although their methods may today seem harsh the good people of Salem, MA solved their witch problem in the late 17th century. The evidence of your own eyes tells you that witches are no longer a problem there. The next project is the Kennedys but that is not on the table here.
Herewith 2 suggestions for helping Texas Johnny read:
#1 – Hazard pay and bonuses up to 100% of their salary for any teacher volunteering to teach in “Blackboard Jungle” schools will be a recruiting tool. Extra consideration will be given to any applicant possessing a valid concealed weapons permit.
#2 - History teachers, math teachers, biology teachers, English teachers…everybody who stands in front of a class room – the children are our future, aren’t they? – and tries to enroll new members in the Western Canon will be held to the same standards as the football coach.
Results, not effort, will the sole criterion for success. I suggest that I can still play football as hard as Johnny Manziel. I know that I can’t play it as well.
Speaking of football, one last thought.
There is still time.
You, as a big time media mogul, must try to get the NFL to cancel the playoff game between Washington and Seattle
It is safe to say that, what with the reelection of President Obama, we are now in a post-post racial society.
Isn’t it time we put away the offensive things of our past?
The only thing the name Washington Redskins has going for it is that it is marginally less offensive that the name and logo of the Cleveland Indians. Saying those names or, worse, having paraphernalia from them must be considered a hate crime and must be prosecuted as such.
How about “Hail to the Beleaguered Long Suffering, Indigenous Persons”? How about the “Washington Abos”? Instead of fans dressing up as Hogs how about having them wear outfits suggesting the benefits of tofu?
It’s almost time to get back to Florida.
My plan to reduce the burden on Medicare by having single elimination senior citizen/python wrestling contests needs to be fine-tuned before being presented to the public.
Kevin Smith
January 2, 2013
Pre-dawn, every January 1, is the only time a reasonably rational man can have a reasonably rational hope that this year, this Ano Nuevo, things will be different.
I am far too old and far too scarred to fall for this every year but I do, I do.
A noon press release from the Pentagon bitch slapped me out of this warm and fuzzy feeling of what could have been.
“The Department of Defense is announcing that Hillary Rodham Clinton,
AKA “Rambolina”, was awarded the Distinguished Service Brooch for
exemplary duty in the face of overwhelming odds and the Lavender Heart for wounds suffered in combat. She announced that she would have a breast cut off in honor of all the unsung Amazons, tough chicks all, who fought in obscurity for so long.”
You go, girl!
There was some good news coming out of the Middle East. Of the 30,000/50,000 Syrian rebels killed in combat at least 75% were men. No longer can the Washington Post use its traditional headline: Disaster Somewhere, Anywhere – “Women and Minorities suffer most”.
But then came the coin toss at the Rose Bowl. It was the ultimate proof, the smoking gun if you will, that the boobies remain firmly in control of the hatch.
Jane von Goodal Lawick, or maybe Junior Cakewalk von Lowick Goodfella, as big an interloping Caucasian as the dark Continent had to endure in the 20th century, after being dragged around in a dump truck filled with flowers and gremlins, winds up on the 50 yard line at the Rose Bowl. She is surrounded by really big men dressed up as Finocchios and Scaramouches who want to harm each other. She is handed a round object by a man wearing clothes selected by the winner of the bet that he lost. She stands there, totally whelmed. “These people went to the moon?”, she says while begging for a flying squad of Somali Pirates to kidnap her and bring her back to her chimps, particularly the shy one with the golden mullet who answers to the name Jay-Jay.
She did the only sensible thing she could do with the coin.
She dropped it.
Her ideas on man being descended from the apes were tested. Perhaps she had it ass backward.
This month marks the 39th anniversary of me responding to President Nixon’s call for volunteers in the fight for Project Independence. I and my band of Merry Pranksters were able to convince some 30 people, the majority of whom were jaded New Yorkers, to give us money so we could “frack” 80 wells in south Texas.
[Ah! The good old days. The oil in this field was labeled “old”. As such, it was sold for $5 a barrel. If you went across the dry creek and turned by the cottonwood {Think Lonesome Dove} grove it would have been called “new” oil. As such it would have sold for $13 a barrel. The sounds you heard then, the sounds you hear now, are the muffled guffaws and the bursting bladders of Prince Barack, Emir Hussein, and burnoose-clad WOGs praising Allah for making these pale faced round-eyes so friggin’ dumb.]
The field that we “fracked” was close by Texas standards to the King Ranch. Cattle still graze and roam there before winding up providing protein, the better to combat the ill effects of GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChange.
It worked well for a while but not as well and not for as long as we would have liked.
That those wells, originally called the Rodriguez Field, are still producing is yet again 100% metaphysically certifiable proof that if eggs go to $5 a dozen the rooster lays.
Oil produced from that field since 1974 has sold for prices from $5 to $42 to $6 to $27 to $65 to $48 to $105 to $86 a barrel.
While this was going on the only people who became independent were those peckerheads who who pray 5 times a day, look wistfully at young lambs, like Dancing Boys, and say that Allah really is Akbar.
Meanwhile the first Horse’s Ass of 2013 has presented himself.
Congressman Edward Markey, and Surprise! he is a Democrat from Massachusetts, said that a beached drilling rig was a threat to the environment. Sea scat and piscine eructations and decaying salmon in the fragile headwaters of the estuaries and streams that feed the mighty Pacific are far more dangerous. Gaia is using the Pacific to punish us for using so much plastic. Only a fool would think those tsunamis could come along unbidden. I doubt if there is more than 500 gallons of all fluids, including coffee, lemonade, Mr. Clean, liniment, WD40, Gorilla Glue, and some sacramental wine on board. It’s a drilling rig, you ass. Assuming it strikes oil it would not be stored there, you fool. Long live Solyndra!
I name you,
Edward Markey
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
And so the New Year begins…
Pre-dawn, every January 1, is the only time a reasonably rational man can have a reasonably rational hope that this year, this Ano Nuevo, things will be different.
I am far too old and far too scarred to fall for this every year but I do, I do.
A noon press release from the Pentagon bitch slapped me out of this warm and fuzzy feeling of what could have been.
“The Department of Defense is announcing that Hillary Rodham Clinton,
AKA “Rambolina”, was awarded the Distinguished Service Brooch for
exemplary duty in the face of overwhelming odds and the Lavender Heart for wounds suffered in combat. She announced that she would have a breast cut off in honor of all the unsung Amazons, tough chicks all, who fought in obscurity for so long.”
You go, girl!
There was some good news coming out of the Middle East. Of the 30,000/50,000 Syrian rebels killed in combat at least 75% were men. No longer can the Washington Post use its traditional headline: Disaster Somewhere, Anywhere – “Women and Minorities suffer most”.
But then came the coin toss at the Rose Bowl. It was the ultimate proof, the smoking gun if you will, that the boobies remain firmly in control of the hatch.
Jane von Goodal Lawick, or maybe Junior Cakewalk von Lowick Goodfella, as big an interloping Caucasian as the dark Continent had to endure in the 20th century, after being dragged around in a dump truck filled with flowers and gremlins, winds up on the 50 yard line at the Rose Bowl. She is surrounded by really big men dressed up as Finocchios and Scaramouches who want to harm each other. She is handed a round object by a man wearing clothes selected by the winner of the bet that he lost. She stands there, totally whelmed. “These people went to the moon?”, she says while begging for a flying squad of Somali Pirates to kidnap her and bring her back to her chimps, particularly the shy one with the golden mullet who answers to the name Jay-Jay.
She did the only sensible thing she could do with the coin.
She dropped it.
Her ideas on man being descended from the apes were tested. Perhaps she had it ass backward.
This month marks the 39th anniversary of me responding to President Nixon’s call for volunteers in the fight for Project Independence. I and my band of Merry Pranksters were able to convince some 30 people, the majority of whom were jaded New Yorkers, to give us money so we could “frack” 80 wells in south Texas.
[Ah! The good old days. The oil in this field was labeled “old”. As such, it was sold for $5 a barrel. If you went across the dry creek and turned by the cottonwood {Think Lonesome Dove} grove it would have been called “new” oil. As such it would have sold for $13 a barrel. The sounds you heard then, the sounds you hear now, are the muffled guffaws and the bursting bladders of Prince Barack, Emir Hussein, and burnoose-clad WOGs praising Allah for making these pale faced round-eyes so friggin’ dumb.]
The field that we “fracked” was close by Texas standards to the King Ranch. Cattle still graze and roam there before winding up providing protein, the better to combat the ill effects of GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChange.
It worked well for a while but not as well and not for as long as we would have liked.
That those wells, originally called the Rodriguez Field, are still producing is yet again 100% metaphysically certifiable proof that if eggs go to $5 a dozen the rooster lays.
Oil produced from that field since 1974 has sold for prices from $5 to $42 to $6 to $27 to $65 to $48 to $105 to $86 a barrel.
While this was going on the only people who became independent were those peckerheads who who pray 5 times a day, look wistfully at young lambs, like Dancing Boys, and say that Allah really is Akbar.
Meanwhile the first Horse’s Ass of 2013 has presented himself.
Congressman Edward Markey, and Surprise! he is a Democrat from Massachusetts, said that a beached drilling rig was a threat to the environment. Sea scat and piscine eructations and decaying salmon in the fragile headwaters of the estuaries and streams that feed the mighty Pacific are far more dangerous. Gaia is using the Pacific to punish us for using so much plastic. Only a fool would think those tsunamis could come along unbidden. I doubt if there is more than 500 gallons of all fluids, including coffee, lemonade, Mr. Clean, liniment, WD40, Gorilla Glue, and some sacramental wine on board. It’s a drilling rig, you ass. Assuming it strikes oil it would not be stored there, you fool. Long live Solyndra!
I name you,
Edward Markey
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
And so the New Year begins…
January 3, 2013
I include my personal kudos to Dave Barry today. It is the earliest in the year that I have ever done so. His signature line – “I can’t make this up” – is always my handy excuse for not being able to write fiction.
Jonathan Swift would have stayed a preacher if he had heard the following proclamation:
“Al-Jazeera Acquires Al Gore’s Network”
Lest we forget, Al-Jazeera, as a news reporting entity, entered our national consciousness on or about September 14, 2001. You may recall that PATH service was interrupted when 19 well-disciplined Rag Heads, each of whom was focused on the 6 dozen female, nubile, virgo intacta, infidels promised them, flew their planes into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. 3000 people in the buildings were killed. 350 NYPD firemen and 50 NYPD and PATH policemen were killed, remember?
I know the date was 9/11/01. It took Al-Jazeera a few days to gather background data for their first Man of the Week. Osama bin-Laden, noted Islamic community organizer cum jihadist, was the man. [You may need to be reminded of the inconvenient truth that Time Magazine named Adolf Hitler “Man of the Year”. Hell, if he was good enough for Papa Joe Kennedy he was good enough for Boss Luce.]
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA as Alpha Gump, AAKA as Cementhead, will be remembered as a man of vision who was tighter than a clam’s ass.
When he was Vice President of the United States [Not to be confused with the mini-conglomerate of slum lording, toxic waste pollution causing, tobacco handling Good Old Boy cabal he ran in Tennessee] he had a few perks.
He lived rent free in a house that had its own zip code, trout stream, and ski lift. If memory serves, Nelson Rockefeller, as Vice President, declared the place unfit for human habitation. He then dug up one of the coffee cans that his grandfather filled with some ill-gotten pelf from the good old days and buried under one of the medical schools he built. He rebuilt the place. Who says that recycling is all bad?
Alpha and Thumper Gumpster and all the baby Gumpsters had their lawns mowed by the Secret Service. Driving John Deere mowers, donning flak jackets, toting UZIs, these guys put the greens crew at the Masters to shame. Not one dandelion dared to show up until Vlad Cheney got there.
I mention the above because, if we are to believe his tax returns, this cheap bastard gave less than $1 a day to charity.
There is no sense being a modern American Liberal unless you can be a hypocritical skin-flint also. Short arms and long pockets unless it comes to everyone else’s money. Since it isn’t his he wants to give it all away. The turd should be flogged.
Al’s cut of the Al-Jazeera deal will be $100,000,000. That’s one hundred million dollars. Something else that I cannot up make up is that he wanted the deal to close before1/1/13. Something about there being a lower tax rate was factored in. After he’s flogged he should be kneecapped. Twice.
The $100,000,000, a type of reverse dhimmi, calls to mind Ned Beatty lecturing Peter Finch in “Network”.
Commerce is an inflating, rotating balloon.
Money is glued to the outside of the balloon. It is constantly expanding and rotating and always returning to its launch point.
Nothing can be allowed to interfere with this process.
For decades this cheap bastard – to which I now add self-serving - preached the evils of the internal combustion engine. He condemned anything other than a hand-held fan as a personal cooling device. He suggested baby seals on winter nights for those living in less temperate climes. He was this millennium’s Jeremiah when he told us of the bad times surely to come when the beleaguered Ozone layer went walkabout [I must confess that I contributed mightily to this tragic loss. For the better part of a decade, until it was banned in a victory against corporate greed, I squirted Right Guard out from my bathroom window. If I felt particularly tumescent I gave the button a few extra thumps.]
HIS PUBLIC LIFE CONSISTED OF PUTTING ROADBLOCKS
IN THE PATH OF AMERICA BECOMING ENERGY INDEPENDENT.
CUI BONO?
One direct beneficiary of his decades long, mind numbing perfidy was Qatar, AKA “The WOG Switzerland of the Persian Gulf”.
After decades of carrying their water, after decades of keeping hundreds of thousands of Americans from knowing the joy of having a steady job, after decades of hectoring us on the joys of the pre-Industrial Age, after decades of trying to outdo Ned Lud, after decades of aiding America’s enemies, after decades of selling his soul for a mess of porridge, his keepers have thrown him a bone.
It it weren’t for oil Qatar would be a C minus Lapland. Scorpions emigrate from the Allah-forsaken never watered wadi wannabe.
Alpha Gump, by his head up his ass policies, gave the stout Qataris so much money it had to be weighed.
They recycled some of it back to him.
Nothing lost save honor.
At least Judas had the grace to hang himself.
Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
PS – Strong note to follow
I include my personal kudos to Dave Barry today. It is the earliest in the year that I have ever done so. His signature line – “I can’t make this up” – is always my handy excuse for not being able to write fiction.
Jonathan Swift would have stayed a preacher if he had heard the following proclamation:
“Al-Jazeera Acquires Al Gore’s Network”
Lest we forget, Al-Jazeera, as a news reporting entity, entered our national consciousness on or about September 14, 2001. You may recall that PATH service was interrupted when 19 well-disciplined Rag Heads, each of whom was focused on the 6 dozen female, nubile, virgo intacta, infidels promised them, flew their planes into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. 3000 people in the buildings were killed. 350 NYPD firemen and 50 NYPD and PATH policemen were killed, remember?
I know the date was 9/11/01. It took Al-Jazeera a few days to gather background data for their first Man of the Week. Osama bin-Laden, noted Islamic community organizer cum jihadist, was the man. [You may need to be reminded of the inconvenient truth that Time Magazine named Adolf Hitler “Man of the Year”. Hell, if he was good enough for Papa Joe Kennedy he was good enough for Boss Luce.]
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA as Alpha Gump, AAKA as Cementhead, will be remembered as a man of vision who was tighter than a clam’s ass.
When he was Vice President of the United States [Not to be confused with the mini-conglomerate of slum lording, toxic waste pollution causing, tobacco handling Good Old Boy cabal he ran in Tennessee] he had a few perks.
He lived rent free in a house that had its own zip code, trout stream, and ski lift. If memory serves, Nelson Rockefeller, as Vice President, declared the place unfit for human habitation. He then dug up one of the coffee cans that his grandfather filled with some ill-gotten pelf from the good old days and buried under one of the medical schools he built. He rebuilt the place. Who says that recycling is all bad?
Alpha and Thumper Gumpster and all the baby Gumpsters had their lawns mowed by the Secret Service. Driving John Deere mowers, donning flak jackets, toting UZIs, these guys put the greens crew at the Masters to shame. Not one dandelion dared to show up until Vlad Cheney got there.
I mention the above because, if we are to believe his tax returns, this cheap bastard gave less than $1 a day to charity.
There is no sense being a modern American Liberal unless you can be a hypocritical skin-flint also. Short arms and long pockets unless it comes to everyone else’s money. Since it isn’t his he wants to give it all away. The turd should be flogged.
Al’s cut of the Al-Jazeera deal will be $100,000,000. That’s one hundred million dollars. Something else that I cannot up make up is that he wanted the deal to close before1/1/13. Something about there being a lower tax rate was factored in. After he’s flogged he should be kneecapped. Twice.
The $100,000,000, a type of reverse dhimmi, calls to mind Ned Beatty lecturing Peter Finch in “Network”.
Commerce is an inflating, rotating balloon.
Money is glued to the outside of the balloon. It is constantly expanding and rotating and always returning to its launch point.
Nothing can be allowed to interfere with this process.
For decades this cheap bastard – to which I now add self-serving - preached the evils of the internal combustion engine. He condemned anything other than a hand-held fan as a personal cooling device. He suggested baby seals on winter nights for those living in less temperate climes. He was this millennium’s Jeremiah when he told us of the bad times surely to come when the beleaguered Ozone layer went walkabout [I must confess that I contributed mightily to this tragic loss. For the better part of a decade, until it was banned in a victory against corporate greed, I squirted Right Guard out from my bathroom window. If I felt particularly tumescent I gave the button a few extra thumps.]
HIS PUBLIC LIFE CONSISTED OF PUTTING ROADBLOCKS
IN THE PATH OF AMERICA BECOMING ENERGY INDEPENDENT.
CUI BONO?
One direct beneficiary of his decades long, mind numbing perfidy was Qatar, AKA “The WOG Switzerland of the Persian Gulf”.
After decades of carrying their water, after decades of keeping hundreds of thousands of Americans from knowing the joy of having a steady job, after decades of hectoring us on the joys of the pre-Industrial Age, after decades of trying to outdo Ned Lud, after decades of aiding America’s enemies, after decades of selling his soul for a mess of porridge, his keepers have thrown him a bone.
It it weren’t for oil Qatar would be a C minus Lapland. Scorpions emigrate from the Allah-forsaken never watered wadi wannabe.
Alpha Gump, by his head up his ass policies, gave the stout Qataris so much money it had to be weighed.
They recycled some of it back to him.
Nothing lost save honor.
At least Judas had the grace to hang himself.
Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
PS – Strong note to follow
December 28, 2012
To: Matt Damon
Location: OZ, perhaps Shangri-La or the land of Nod, definitely past the Horizon and heading to warp speed, with the main fuel for his journey being the gasps of drowning polar bears providing propulsion in an environmentally sensitive and renewable manner.
Subject: Watch as a half-assed narcissist becomes a full blown modern American Liberal solipsist. And since we have survived the Mayan Day of Death and may be able to muddle through I pray to God that his children are adopted. Shallow end gene pool DNA must be exterminated with extreme prejudice.!
“The game is rigged. I’m through with politics.”
Dopey Bastard or Horse’s Ass? You’ve earned both but my rules preclude bestowing both. Usually.
Stop the presses!
You say that Howard Zinn is a serious Historian, a true son of Clio. Next you’ll tell me it’s about time for a Nobel Prize for Rod McKuen or Paul Ehrlich or Phil Donahue or Lard Kennedy or Lysenko or Che or Lady GaGa.. Jeezus Haitch Keerist but you couldn’t find sand at the beach. You would have to get a Pell Grant to learn how to pick your nose or scratch your ass.
Surprise me, you boob, and tell me that plaid is not your favorite color. I bet you think that Manual Labor is the guy who mows your lawn. See if I have to count past 3 before you can find your ass using both your hands.
People in the real world, people who know that “stones are hard and water is wet” know, know, both instinctively and from real life experience, that the game is always rigged. Always. For the overwhelming majority of people – an exception being the exponentially expanding Kennedy family and where is Atreus now that we really need him – life is 6 to 5 AGAINST. It’s what you do after you find out that betting against the house is like asking the little fat man who owns the casino why he has such a large diamond on each of his pinkies. It’s what you do after you find out that proves what another poet said….”Man will not only endure, he will prevail”.
Wee Matty is upset because his vision of the good life is not shared by everyone else. What a bummer!
Wee Matty wants to take down all the scoreboards so, at the end of the game, there are no hard feelings and everybody feels good about themselves and the voice of the turtle is heard once again in the land and that lambs are fighting to volunteer to spend the night with the now irenic lion. Honest Injun, the dumb MoFo really does.
Matty just stamped his feet and said he’s going home with his ball, his bat, and his head up his ass view of things.
Matty is really pissed off because he is suffering from Stage 4 “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and doesn’t know it. That is the only benefit of not being able to smell your own shit. He can’t understand why people who sometimes bring their lunch to work hold their noses when they sprint past him.
Matty will soon be taking his kids to the really fine schools in Boston. Don’t even think about asking. It’s a chalk bet that Matty’s bairns will be attending the really fine public schools in Boston. Not.
If we change and take up his vision of the good life he will buy each of us a pair of silk underwear, the better to fart in.
Enough of this idle chit-chat!
I declare Matty a Grand slam winner!
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR
DOPEY BASTARD OF THE DECADE
These awards are not given lightly. Wear them proudly. You got them the old fashioned way. YOU EARNED THEM!
Your last true friend and only honest pal,
Kevin Smith
To: Matt Damon
Location: OZ, perhaps Shangri-La or the land of Nod, definitely past the Horizon and heading to warp speed, with the main fuel for his journey being the gasps of drowning polar bears providing propulsion in an environmentally sensitive and renewable manner.
Subject: Watch as a half-assed narcissist becomes a full blown modern American Liberal solipsist. And since we have survived the Mayan Day of Death and may be able to muddle through I pray to God that his children are adopted. Shallow end gene pool DNA must be exterminated with extreme prejudice.!
“The game is rigged. I’m through with politics.”
Dopey Bastard or Horse’s Ass? You’ve earned both but my rules preclude bestowing both. Usually.
Stop the presses!
You say that Howard Zinn is a serious Historian, a true son of Clio. Next you’ll tell me it’s about time for a Nobel Prize for Rod McKuen or Paul Ehrlich or Phil Donahue or Lard Kennedy or Lysenko or Che or Lady GaGa.. Jeezus Haitch Keerist but you couldn’t find sand at the beach. You would have to get a Pell Grant to learn how to pick your nose or scratch your ass.
Surprise me, you boob, and tell me that plaid is not your favorite color. I bet you think that Manual Labor is the guy who mows your lawn. See if I have to count past 3 before you can find your ass using both your hands.
People in the real world, people who know that “stones are hard and water is wet” know, know, both instinctively and from real life experience, that the game is always rigged. Always. For the overwhelming majority of people – an exception being the exponentially expanding Kennedy family and where is Atreus now that we really need him – life is 6 to 5 AGAINST. It’s what you do after you find out that betting against the house is like asking the little fat man who owns the casino why he has such a large diamond on each of his pinkies. It’s what you do after you find out that proves what another poet said….”Man will not only endure, he will prevail”.
Wee Matty is upset because his vision of the good life is not shared by everyone else. What a bummer!
Wee Matty wants to take down all the scoreboards so, at the end of the game, there are no hard feelings and everybody feels good about themselves and the voice of the turtle is heard once again in the land and that lambs are fighting to volunteer to spend the night with the now irenic lion. Honest Injun, the dumb MoFo really does.
Matty just stamped his feet and said he’s going home with his ball, his bat, and his head up his ass view of things.
Matty is really pissed off because he is suffering from Stage 4 “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and doesn’t know it. That is the only benefit of not being able to smell your own shit. He can’t understand why people who sometimes bring their lunch to work hold their noses when they sprint past him.
Matty will soon be taking his kids to the really fine schools in Boston. Don’t even think about asking. It’s a chalk bet that Matty’s bairns will be attending the really fine public schools in Boston. Not.
If we change and take up his vision of the good life he will buy each of us a pair of silk underwear, the better to fart in.
Enough of this idle chit-chat!
I declare Matty a Grand slam winner!
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR
DOPEY BASTARD OF THE DECADE
These awards are not given lightly. Wear them proudly. You got them the old fashioned way. YOU EARNED THEM!
Your last true friend and only honest pal,
Kevin Smith
Friday, January 4, 2013
Hillary Clinton injured while on a Seal Team Recon into Iran
January 1, 2013
“Hillary Clinton injured while on a Seal Team Recon into Iran”
Silly, right? Even stupid, if for no other reason than she would need a block and tackle to get her fat ass into an attack helicopter. Gravity would get her out. A Sidewinder missile would have to be strapped to each cheek of her ample arse to get her off the ground. When she retires she could do some Brazilian Butt ads. She would make a perfect Before picture.
Because there is no way other than an opium den, bad acid flashback that anything approaching that could have happened is why we need a Congressional investigation.
The country needs to know, to know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Hillary Clinton did not don a ghillie suit, that she did not have her Gurkha kukri honed so sharp that it could cut itself, that she did not have a cut down 22 inch Remington “trench sweeper” in her ditty bag, that she did not have pound of bacon fat that she would use so as to avoid waterboarding, that she did not have blowup dolls of Barbara Mikulski to throw at any advancing Dervishes, Whirling or otherwise, that she did not have buttons with myriad languages shouting RESET on them, that she did not threaten to sit on the captured Yobama Bahama Salama’s face to get secret info from him….Jeezuz Haitch Keerist! Talk about the Geneva Convention. Talk about torture. Imagine looking up seeing that! I’d give it all up in a friggin’ heartbeat. Truly a fate worse than death. If word got out it would have led to a ban on bearded clams.
Gary Sick, a properly named author, wrote a book titled “The October Surprise”. It was published in 1992.
It had a plot simple enough for a child to follow; to wit: In late October, 1980, Vice Presidential candidate George Bush took an afternoon off from campaigning to play tennis. He snookered his Secret Service detail, the Washington press corps, and all the national TV snoops and went to Andrews Air Force Base. There he flew to Paris on the Black Bird, a SR71. Since it could fly at more than 3,000MPH he got there before he took off. He met Mohammed M. Muhamed, the power behind Big Boss Man Khomieni and cut a deal on the American hostages. They were to be kept locked up until Reagan was inaugurated and boob Carter’s sorry sad-sacked ass was heading back to Bug Fug, GA. The deal was sealed in a Rive Gauche bistro called Le Grande Frog. Veal paillard from tortured cows, a bit of foie grais, obviously from tortured geese, was washed down by a 1975 Talbot and History was made. Bush got in the plane – not “on” the plane and a thank you to George Carlin - and flew back to Andrews. Once there he donned his preppy tennis whites, threw the obligatory Brooks Brothers sweater over his shoulders, and headed home. With skill and cunning he managed to avoid the Secret Service and ABC, CBS, and NBC. When he got home he told Barbara that he was having trouble with his backhand and that he needed a few Tylenols,
Honest. You could look it up.
It worked. Never argue with a canceled check.
Speaker of the House Tom-Tom Foley, second in line to the Presidency of the United States, said in 1992 that we must have an investigation. When asked why, he said, “We must have an investigation precisely because there is no evidence”.
Honest. That’s what he said. “You can”, as Casey Stengel used to say, “Look it up.”
Somehow the thought of Hillary Clinton, after making sure that the sharp end went up the breech first, then biting the throat out of a sleeping sentry and sticking some bacon fat into the hole to stop the gurgling and to send a message to the others, ain’t so far fetched, is it?
It’s time for Speaker Boehner to get his Mojo back. He is Speaker of House of Representatives. Should both Obama and Biden go down fighting enemies both foreign and domestic he would wind up in the Oval Office. The Air Force officer sitting outside his office carries an attaché case known as the “Football”. When it is opened the President can send out coded instructions that will turn the world into molten glass. That’s what he could do then.
What he can do now is to subpoena Mrs. Clinton and ask her, under oath, under TV lights, with a nasty bastard lawyer asking her for her version of the events that led to her concussion, an injury that was diagnosed by her press flack, and subsequent blood clot. He/She could ask what the threshold number of dead Americans should be for the President to call it something other than “a bit of sloppiness”. The bar is now set at 4 murdered Americans. Would 12 make it something else?
My New Year’s resolution is to shed my Mr. Nice Guy image. I have to start somewhere.
KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
“Hillary Clinton injured while on a Seal Team Recon into Iran”
Silly, right? Even stupid, if for no other reason than she would need a block and tackle to get her fat ass into an attack helicopter. Gravity would get her out. A Sidewinder missile would have to be strapped to each cheek of her ample arse to get her off the ground. When she retires she could do some Brazilian Butt ads. She would make a perfect Before picture.
Because there is no way other than an opium den, bad acid flashback that anything approaching that could have happened is why we need a Congressional investigation.
The country needs to know, to know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Hillary Clinton did not don a ghillie suit, that she did not have her Gurkha kukri honed so sharp that it could cut itself, that she did not have a cut down 22 inch Remington “trench sweeper” in her ditty bag, that she did not have pound of bacon fat that she would use so as to avoid waterboarding, that she did not have blowup dolls of Barbara Mikulski to throw at any advancing Dervishes, Whirling or otherwise, that she did not have buttons with myriad languages shouting RESET on them, that she did not threaten to sit on the captured Yobama Bahama Salama’s face to get secret info from him….Jeezuz Haitch Keerist! Talk about the Geneva Convention. Talk about torture. Imagine looking up seeing that! I’d give it all up in a friggin’ heartbeat. Truly a fate worse than death. If word got out it would have led to a ban on bearded clams.
Gary Sick, a properly named author, wrote a book titled “The October Surprise”. It was published in 1992.
It had a plot simple enough for a child to follow; to wit: In late October, 1980, Vice Presidential candidate George Bush took an afternoon off from campaigning to play tennis. He snookered his Secret Service detail, the Washington press corps, and all the national TV snoops and went to Andrews Air Force Base. There he flew to Paris on the Black Bird, a SR71. Since it could fly at more than 3,000MPH he got there before he took off. He met Mohammed M. Muhamed, the power behind Big Boss Man Khomieni and cut a deal on the American hostages. They were to be kept locked up until Reagan was inaugurated and boob Carter’s sorry sad-sacked ass was heading back to Bug Fug, GA. The deal was sealed in a Rive Gauche bistro called Le Grande Frog. Veal paillard from tortured cows, a bit of foie grais, obviously from tortured geese, was washed down by a 1975 Talbot and History was made. Bush got in the plane – not “on” the plane and a thank you to George Carlin - and flew back to Andrews. Once there he donned his preppy tennis whites, threw the obligatory Brooks Brothers sweater over his shoulders, and headed home. With skill and cunning he managed to avoid the Secret Service and ABC, CBS, and NBC. When he got home he told Barbara that he was having trouble with his backhand and that he needed a few Tylenols,
Honest. You could look it up.
It worked. Never argue with a canceled check.
Speaker of the House Tom-Tom Foley, second in line to the Presidency of the United States, said in 1992 that we must have an investigation. When asked why, he said, “We must have an investigation precisely because there is no evidence”.
Honest. That’s what he said. “You can”, as Casey Stengel used to say, “Look it up.”
Somehow the thought of Hillary Clinton, after making sure that the sharp end went up the breech first, then biting the throat out of a sleeping sentry and sticking some bacon fat into the hole to stop the gurgling and to send a message to the others, ain’t so far fetched, is it?
It’s time for Speaker Boehner to get his Mojo back. He is Speaker of House of Representatives. Should both Obama and Biden go down fighting enemies both foreign and domestic he would wind up in the Oval Office. The Air Force officer sitting outside his office carries an attaché case known as the “Football”. When it is opened the President can send out coded instructions that will turn the world into molten glass. That’s what he could do then.
What he can do now is to subpoena Mrs. Clinton and ask her, under oath, under TV lights, with a nasty bastard lawyer asking her for her version of the events that led to her concussion, an injury that was diagnosed by her press flack, and subsequent blood clot. He/She could ask what the threshold number of dead Americans should be for the President to call it something other than “a bit of sloppiness”. The bar is now set at 4 murdered Americans. Would 12 make it something else?
My New Year’s resolution is to shed my Mr. Nice Guy image. I have to start somewhere.
KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET
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