January 27, 2013
Michael Putney
Channel 10

RE: Some comments on this morning’s TV show, akin to “reaching across the aisle”.

Dear Michael,

There I was this AM, twirling my handlebars, trying to settle on the next major Texas-style ass whipping candidate, when you said that 5 Presidents had been assassinated. How could I have forgotten about…about…I don’t know. Allah be praised for Google.

As to the contretemps surrounding the proposed raid on the public treasury to build Marlins Stadium I hark back to my annual pleas to Miami Herald Big Boss Man Tom Fiedler.

I always told him to keep a watchful eye from his aerie in the posh 1%er suite at Herald HQ. As soon as he saw the water level of Biscayne Bay rising – not to be confused with tides, mind you – he was to call me collect. The phone never rang. I guess the rising water level, something that the consensus of scientists tells us is beyond dispute just like their illustrious predecessors believed that Ptolemy was right and that tomatoes were poisonous, went North where it is drowning polar bears. I’m OK with that because I don’t want to see anything happen to those oh so cute precious little adorable baby seals.

My annual main plea was simple.

50% of the electricity produced in this country comes from burning coal. 50% of the electricity consumed in this country goes to power A/Cs.

We all know that coal loves to eat the ozone layer, to kill the rain forests, to cause hurricanes, to ungild lilies, to cause Global Cooling, to cause Global Warming, to cause Climate Change, to allow mean-spirited people to prosper at the expense of the undeserving poor, to cause falling FCAT scores, to cause smoking, to cause friction between previously peaceful neighbors – Think the Flems and the Walloons + the Serbs and the Croatians – to allow children of single moms to suffer from lower self-esteem leading to teenage obesity and the heartbreak of psoriasis, and, worst of all, to cause swarms of the hated merdes les Quebecois to soil our fair land.

My solution was simple.

Turn off all the A/Cs at Herald World HQ.

Open the windows.

Another idea before its time. Just like manatee sausage for the homeless.

If Miami/Dade gets euchred into turning the other teat [The Dolphins have the first one] over to Boss Ross it must demand that no roof is to sit on a publically funded stadium within its jurisdiction.

Start the games at dawn, start them at midnight. Don’t aid the destruction of the planet so corporate types can abuse the tax code by entertaining fat cat clients.

I went to a game in Green Bay in November. The Packers should play all their home games in the Rose Bowl.

Just one thing more.

Loved that suit.

All you need is a screaming red tie and you’ll head the line for the back-up role for Nathan Detroit the next time “Guys & Dolls” comes through town.

If you are looking for a new, hip climatologist I suggest Professor Vivaldi of the Venice School of the Permanent Things.








KS