Posts
July 14, 2008
Senator Dick Durbin
701 N. Court Street
Marion, Illinois 62059
RE: Little Dickie Durbin – Home of the Whopper
Dear Senator Little Dick,
Allow me to offer my congratulations on staying in the Senate after opposing all those sharks, con men, pick pockets, and grifters who make a living in Chicago. The Board of Trade, the Mercantile Exchange, the option pits…My God but the American people are ill served by those “Steal a Hot Stove” ladrones. That’s Spanish. Didn’t Senator Messiah Obama tell us to brush up on Espanol?
You are the man for the plan to save America from the robber baron economic royalists who are doing to America what Jesse Jackson, Sr. wants to do to your “clean, articulate” – to quote Senator Biden – junior colleague.
Pay attention. I’ll write slowly.
#1 – Oil should be priced no higher than $46.50 a barrel. That’s the price I got in New Mexico in early 1981. That seems fair. Any transactions by any oil company above $46.50 will be subject to a tax rate starting at 105%.
#2 – Until we have a “fair” price for gasoline and heating oil no oil company can pay cash dividends to American citizens or institutions.
What could be fairer? Finally it is time to get out form under the lion’s paw.
It will bring stability to a chaotic market. The “little guy” will finally get to shake his fist at those uncaring special interests.
I love it when a plan comes together, don’t you?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
The “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”
July 17, 2008
The “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”
&
the “dreaded ‘n’ word”
Do you remember Dick Gregory?
He was a laugh out loud, almost make you pee in your pants Colored comedian in the ‘60s. I say “colored” because African-American or Black had not yet become the politically correct term of racial designation. He left the arena of comedy for the arena of politics, culture, and diet plans.
His autobiography has the interesting title “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”.
Do you remember Robert Byrd?
He is the Democratic Senator from West Virginia. Not to say he’s old but he fought with Andrew Jackson against some of America’s aborigines. Some of the survivors are well known gambling consultants. It seems almost unfair to bring up his KuKluxKlan past but what the Hell, if he could prance around in white robes and a pointed hat as a young Keagle I can mention it, can’t I? He is sometimes referred to as the United States Senate’s version of Cicero. A gimlet eye view of his record would suggest that the reference is geographical rather than Historic.
He went on TV a few years ago and called himself a “White Dreaded ‘N’ Word”. Then, to make sure there was no misunderstanding, he said it again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BREAKER 1-9! BREAKER 1-9!
Reports of a “macaca” sighting at the Kennedy Compound have been confirmed. He cooks and cleans the stables. He is anxiously awaiting his green card.
Everybody remembers Jesse Jackson.
He’s the big guy who has made a living out of making White people feel guilty. He has told them what to say and, more importantly, what not to say. He has made a living by shaking down large corporations for ungodly sums of money. He tells these dummies that if they he won’t say that they financed the boats used to ship slaves. For a few dollars more he will say that the officers and directors have memorized the words to Kumbaya. It’s indoor work. There’s no heavy lifting. He makes a nice living. Enough to support two families once he decided to have his own grandchildren.
Last week he sotto vocceed to another colored, African-American Black weeny that he wished he “could cut Obama’s nuts out”. I say “weeny” because he didn’t raise his voice when Jesse said it and it seems now that he has entered the Witness Protection program.
It then came out that he also said that Senator B. Hussein Obama was talking down to “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”s.
Attention must be paid to a spectacular rising star in Dallas, Texas. His name is Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price. He objected to the term “black hole” when it was used by a White Commissioner. The gringo Commissioner used the term “black hole” when describing the budget process. Commissioner Price, apparently dumber than a box of starch, said, “Hold up there, Whitey”.
It’s true that things are bigger in Texas. This boob came from relative obscurity to being one of America’s biggest horse’s asses in record time. Give this scatter brain a few more shots at Prime Time and Billy Bob’s won’t be big enough to hold him.
Can anything useful be gained from the above?
#1 – “All words are equal. Some words are more equal than others.” With apologies to George Orwell I think it means that it isn’t what’s said but rather who says it. It would be unwise of me to go to Broward County’s tax payer built and supported African-American Research Library and ask, in a loud voice, for a copy of “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”, the one by Dick Gregory. It’s OK for $10,000,000 a year NBA players to use the “Dreaded ‘N’ Word” as a noun, a verb, and adjective, and a participle. Should one of the round eyes who pays $200 for a cheap seat use it he would be bastinadoed.
On the other hand, Jesse Jackson can do an American Idol routine about nut cutting time and then sound like Huckleberry Finn doing a stage whisper and…and…nothing happens.
#2 – If White people are so smart, so rich, and so powerful why do we put up with this caca? 600,000 men are still “wrapped in the faced coat of Blue”. They died to undo the horrors of slavery. That war ended 143 years ago. When will the PAID stamp be put on that bill?
#3 – Now we have a post-racial [I have no idea what that means. If anybody knows what it means please call me collect.] guy from Illinois by way of Kenya, Kansas,
a madrassas in Singapore, Harvard Law School, and the genteel ways of Chicago politics. He’s been telling us that “we are the ones we have been waiting for”. Did I mention that Senator B. Hussein Obama is a half White, half colored, African-American, Black man? By the by, his wife got a $4,000 a week raise when he was elected to the United States Senate. She’s in charge of bed pan diversity. [For $4,000 a week I’ll use the bed pans to make soup] He got his wife’s employer a $1,000,000 earmark. I guess he’s not as dumb as that quasiAlfred E. Newman mug would lead you to believe. Say this for him: He told us out loud and up front that should he get elected he intends to tax us back to prosperity. That there is no record of this ever working is but a mere bagatelle to him. He suffers form the quite normal “fatal conceit” of statists everywhere. Like a political Lysenko he will make it happen as an act of will. It will be a triumph of his will.
He knows that if every colored, African-American Black person votes for him the only way he gets to the White House is on a tour.
He needs Whitey to get him to D.C.
He figures every time someone sees the cover of the New Yorker he gets a vote.
There was a song a while back called “Love is Sweeping the Country”.
Senator Bambi wants to be anointed to the airs of “Guilt is Sweeping the Country”.
PS – What Nobel Prize winner wrote a book with the catchy title “Dreaded Nigger of the Narcissus”? Hint. He was a Polack.
The “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”
&
the “dreaded ‘n’ word”
Do you remember Dick Gregory?
He was a laugh out loud, almost make you pee in your pants Colored comedian in the ‘60s. I say “colored” because African-American or Black had not yet become the politically correct term of racial designation. He left the arena of comedy for the arena of politics, culture, and diet plans.
His autobiography has the interesting title “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”.
Do you remember Robert Byrd?
He is the Democratic Senator from West Virginia. Not to say he’s old but he fought with Andrew Jackson against some of America’s aborigines. Some of the survivors are well known gambling consultants. It seems almost unfair to bring up his KuKluxKlan past but what the Hell, if he could prance around in white robes and a pointed hat as a young Keagle I can mention it, can’t I? He is sometimes referred to as the United States Senate’s version of Cicero. A gimlet eye view of his record would suggest that the reference is geographical rather than Historic.
He went on TV a few years ago and called himself a “White Dreaded ‘N’ Word”. Then, to make sure there was no misunderstanding, he said it again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BREAKER 1-9! BREAKER 1-9!
Reports of a “macaca” sighting at the Kennedy Compound have been confirmed. He cooks and cleans the stables. He is anxiously awaiting his green card.
Everybody remembers Jesse Jackson.
He’s the big guy who has made a living out of making White people feel guilty. He has told them what to say and, more importantly, what not to say. He has made a living by shaking down large corporations for ungodly sums of money. He tells these dummies that if they he won’t say that they financed the boats used to ship slaves. For a few dollars more he will say that the officers and directors have memorized the words to Kumbaya. It’s indoor work. There’s no heavy lifting. He makes a nice living. Enough to support two families once he decided to have his own grandchildren.
Last week he sotto vocceed to another colored, African-American Black weeny that he wished he “could cut Obama’s nuts out”. I say “weeny” because he didn’t raise his voice when Jesse said it and it seems now that he has entered the Witness Protection program.
It then came out that he also said that Senator B. Hussein Obama was talking down to “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”s.
Attention must be paid to a spectacular rising star in Dallas, Texas. His name is Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price. He objected to the term “black hole” when it was used by a White Commissioner. The gringo Commissioner used the term “black hole” when describing the budget process. Commissioner Price, apparently dumber than a box of starch, said, “Hold up there, Whitey”.
It’s true that things are bigger in Texas. This boob came from relative obscurity to being one of America’s biggest horse’s asses in record time. Give this scatter brain a few more shots at Prime Time and Billy Bob’s won’t be big enough to hold him.
Can anything useful be gained from the above?
#1 – “All words are equal. Some words are more equal than others.” With apologies to George Orwell I think it means that it isn’t what’s said but rather who says it. It would be unwise of me to go to Broward County’s tax payer built and supported African-American Research Library and ask, in a loud voice, for a copy of “Dreaded ‘N’ Word”, the one by Dick Gregory. It’s OK for $10,000,000 a year NBA players to use the “Dreaded ‘N’ Word” as a noun, a verb, and adjective, and a participle. Should one of the round eyes who pays $200 for a cheap seat use it he would be bastinadoed.
On the other hand, Jesse Jackson can do an American Idol routine about nut cutting time and then sound like Huckleberry Finn doing a stage whisper and…and…nothing happens.
#2 – If White people are so smart, so rich, and so powerful why do we put up with this caca? 600,000 men are still “wrapped in the faced coat of Blue”. They died to undo the horrors of slavery. That war ended 143 years ago. When will the PAID stamp be put on that bill?
#3 – Now we have a post-racial [I have no idea what that means. If anybody knows what it means please call me collect.] guy from Illinois by way of Kenya, Kansas,
a madrassas in Singapore, Harvard Law School, and the genteel ways of Chicago politics. He’s been telling us that “we are the ones we have been waiting for”. Did I mention that Senator B. Hussein Obama is a half White, half colored, African-American, Black man? By the by, his wife got a $4,000 a week raise when he was elected to the United States Senate. She’s in charge of bed pan diversity. [For $4,000 a week I’ll use the bed pans to make soup] He got his wife’s employer a $1,000,000 earmark. I guess he’s not as dumb as that quasiAlfred E. Newman mug would lead you to believe. Say this for him: He told us out loud and up front that should he get elected he intends to tax us back to prosperity. That there is no record of this ever working is but a mere bagatelle to him. He suffers form the quite normal “fatal conceit” of statists everywhere. Like a political Lysenko he will make it happen as an act of will. It will be a triumph of his will.
He knows that if every colored, African-American Black person votes for him the only way he gets to the White House is on a tour.
He needs Whitey to get him to D.C.
He figures every time someone sees the cover of the New Yorker he gets a vote.
There was a song a while back called “Love is Sweeping the Country”.
Senator Bambi wants to be anointed to the airs of “Guilt is Sweeping the Country”.
PS – What Nobel Prize winner wrote a book with the catchy title “Dreaded Nigger of the Narcissus”? Hint. He was a Polack.
Fred Grimm, The Miami Herald
July 17, 2008
Fred Grimm
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693
RE: Hoaxes, Critical Inquiry, & Did Global Warming save us from Global Cooling? A longer look at your column today about fads and frauds.
Mr. Grimm,
There was an upward spike in temperature in Europe some 10 centuries ago. More land became arable. The better the people ate the smarter they became. Then came the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante?
Science is not predicated on “consensus”. You posit a thesis. You produce an experiment. You publish your results. The results are challenged. Either your test can be replicated away form you or it can’t. Have you ever heard of the “scientific method” or “critical inquiry” or “reasoned discourse”?
You say there is s “90% certainty” that proponents of Global Warming are correct. 90% is a good grade in an Algebra exam. It is a bad grade in carrier landings. It is an unacceptable grade in Science. Have you ever wondered why, after more than 150 years, Darwin’s Theory is still a theory? Personally, I believe that man descended from the bears. Since I don’t have an ape in that fight I’ll sit on the sidelines.
Wasn’t there a “90%” consensus in 1970 that Global Cooling was going to do us all in before the millennium? Has anybody found out what happened there? You may wish to ask Paul Ehrlich – remember him? - what happened to his “consensus”
Speaking of man influencing climate…
How did Greenland come to be known as Greenland?
In New England 1816 was known as the “Year Summer Never Came”. How did that happen?
One Herald Plaza is on Biscayne Bay. If the polar bears are drowning [Incidentally, drowning polar bears is a good thing if you love baby seals] because of melting ice bergs would you please walk outside and tell me how far the water has risen. It has to go somewhere.
If you believe CO2 is bad, an assumption that requires a willing disbelief in the obvious miraculous benefits of photosynthesis, I suggest that you hold your breathe until, as you suggest, “hell freezes over”.
When that tragic day comes – I say tragic because we both know that the lashes from it will fall disproportionately on women of color who are single mothers – the last thing I will do is to fling your dumb ass into the cauldron of my carbon foot print be damned electricity network. You should be enough to give us one more gloriously air conditioned night before we return to hunter/gatherer status
PS – Since 1997 I have been asking the big bosses who run the Herald to put down a marker, to set a standard, to challenge us to do something about the climate by shutting off all the air conditioners at world HQ. Are they on? If they are how can you still take a pay check?
Fred Grimm
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693
RE: Hoaxes, Critical Inquiry, & Did Global Warming save us from Global Cooling? A longer look at your column today about fads and frauds.
Mr. Grimm,
There was an upward spike in temperature in Europe some 10 centuries ago. More land became arable. The better the people ate the smarter they became. Then came the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante?
Science is not predicated on “consensus”. You posit a thesis. You produce an experiment. You publish your results. The results are challenged. Either your test can be replicated away form you or it can’t. Have you ever heard of the “scientific method” or “critical inquiry” or “reasoned discourse”?
You say there is s “90% certainty” that proponents of Global Warming are correct. 90% is a good grade in an Algebra exam. It is a bad grade in carrier landings. It is an unacceptable grade in Science. Have you ever wondered why, after more than 150 years, Darwin’s Theory is still a theory? Personally, I believe that man descended from the bears. Since I don’t have an ape in that fight I’ll sit on the sidelines.
Wasn’t there a “90%” consensus in 1970 that Global Cooling was going to do us all in before the millennium? Has anybody found out what happened there? You may wish to ask Paul Ehrlich – remember him? - what happened to his “consensus”
Speaking of man influencing climate…
How did Greenland come to be known as Greenland?
In New England 1816 was known as the “Year Summer Never Came”. How did that happen?
One Herald Plaza is on Biscayne Bay. If the polar bears are drowning [Incidentally, drowning polar bears is a good thing if you love baby seals] because of melting ice bergs would you please walk outside and tell me how far the water has risen. It has to go somewhere.
If you believe CO2 is bad, an assumption that requires a willing disbelief in the obvious miraculous benefits of photosynthesis, I suggest that you hold your breathe until, as you suggest, “hell freezes over”.
When that tragic day comes – I say tragic because we both know that the lashes from it will fall disproportionately on women of color who are single mothers – the last thing I will do is to fling your dumb ass into the cauldron of my carbon foot print be damned electricity network. You should be enough to give us one more gloriously air conditioned night before we return to hunter/gatherer status
PS – Since 1997 I have been asking the big bosses who run the Herald to put down a marker, to set a standard, to challenge us to do something about the climate by shutting off all the air conditioners at world HQ. Are they on? If they are how can you still take a pay check?
Monday, July 14, 2008
Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price
July 12, 2008
Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price
1506 E. Langdon Road
Dallas, Texas 75216
RE: Horses’ Asses, Blackness, - Are they joined at the hip?
Commissioner Wiley,
Let us stipulate that you objected to someone using the term “black hole” as being racist. If you did not say that then feel free to stop reading. If you did then either continue reading or have someone read it to you ‘cuz there may be some big words.
If “black hole” offends you what do you make of “black board”? How about “black eye”? How about “black magic”? Does “blackout” tick you off? Does “blackmail” make you want to smack somebody? Would you overcome your racial pride and step on a “black widow”? Have you ever seen “black ice”? For that matter have you ever been visited by the “Black Dog”? Should we ban “black mole”? Does the “Black Hole of Calcutta” fall under your gimlet eye or does the fact the White guys were tortured by Brown guys there let it slip in under your racially sensitive radar? How about we start to fix potholes with “Plaid Top”?
I will lead the crusade to have Ben & Jerry ban “black cherry” and “black raspberry” ice cream from their stores. I hope that will make Mrs. B. Hussein Obama “proud” of me.
“Blacksmith” is one of my favorites and I’m White. Under no circumstances will I allow you to ban “Black Label”.
I have 3 granddaughters living not 35 miles from where you pollute the public air with your Homerically imbecilic nostrums. I shan’t tell what town they live in lest you “black ball” them. Never fear. Your nit-wit syllabub, flubdub jabberings have not gone unnoticed. Please don’t confuse me with Jesse Jackson. I won’t reach for my sling blade “to cut your nuts out”.
It is my pleasure, perhaps privilege is a better word, to tell you that you have won a most prestigious award. I hereby name you
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
[BLACK ELECTED OFFICIAL SECTION]
It is an award not lightly given. Unlike so many things in life there are no set asides, there are no racial preferences; most assuredly there is no Affirmative Action here.
You got yours the old fashioned way.
You earned it.
After I etch your name onto the Wall of Shame of previous winners I will have some “Black pudding”. I think, for desert, if the word police allow, a “Black and White sundae” would be appropriate.
Ask the attorney for the Dallas County Commission if he ever heard of a dead White guy named “Blackstone”. If he did, fire him.
You, like everything else in Texas, are supersized. I could go from Brownsville to the Red River to Muleshoe to Eagle Pass and not find a moron bigger or dumber than you.
PS – Do you remember the “Black” commissioner in Washington, DC who objected to a White dude using the word “niggardly”? Is he a cousin of yours?
Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price
1506 E. Langdon Road
Dallas, Texas 75216
RE: Horses’ Asses, Blackness, - Are they joined at the hip?
Commissioner Wiley,
Let us stipulate that you objected to someone using the term “black hole” as being racist. If you did not say that then feel free to stop reading. If you did then either continue reading or have someone read it to you ‘cuz there may be some big words.
If “black hole” offends you what do you make of “black board”? How about “black eye”? How about “black magic”? Does “blackout” tick you off? Does “blackmail” make you want to smack somebody? Would you overcome your racial pride and step on a “black widow”? Have you ever seen “black ice”? For that matter have you ever been visited by the “Black Dog”? Should we ban “black mole”? Does the “Black Hole of Calcutta” fall under your gimlet eye or does the fact the White guys were tortured by Brown guys there let it slip in under your racially sensitive radar? How about we start to fix potholes with “Plaid Top”?
I will lead the crusade to have Ben & Jerry ban “black cherry” and “black raspberry” ice cream from their stores. I hope that will make Mrs. B. Hussein Obama “proud” of me.
“Blacksmith” is one of my favorites and I’m White. Under no circumstances will I allow you to ban “Black Label”.
I have 3 granddaughters living not 35 miles from where you pollute the public air with your Homerically imbecilic nostrums. I shan’t tell what town they live in lest you “black ball” them. Never fear. Your nit-wit syllabub, flubdub jabberings have not gone unnoticed. Please don’t confuse me with Jesse Jackson. I won’t reach for my sling blade “to cut your nuts out”.
It is my pleasure, perhaps privilege is a better word, to tell you that you have won a most prestigious award. I hereby name you
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
[BLACK ELECTED OFFICIAL SECTION]
It is an award not lightly given. Unlike so many things in life there are no set asides, there are no racial preferences; most assuredly there is no Affirmative Action here.
You got yours the old fashioned way.
You earned it.
After I etch your name onto the Wall of Shame of previous winners I will have some “Black pudding”. I think, for desert, if the word police allow, a “Black and White sundae” would be appropriate.
Ask the attorney for the Dallas County Commission if he ever heard of a dead White guy named “Blackstone”. If he did, fire him.
You, like everything else in Texas, are supersized. I could go from Brownsville to the Red River to Muleshoe to Eagle Pass and not find a moron bigger or dumber than you.
PS – Do you remember the “Black” commissioner in Washington, DC who objected to a White dude using the word “niggardly”? Is he a cousin of yours?
Ana Menendez, The Miami Herald
July13, 2008
Ana Menendez
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693
RE: Cairo’s gain – Miami’s loss?
Ms. Menendez,
It is a source of amazement to me that people in journalism get away with a narcissism bordering on solipsism. That, plus the modern American Liberal syndrome, “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, enables them to pass through our culture like a stealth bomber on steroids.
The flaccid economic prospects of the Miami Herald prompt me to ask a question.
Have you ever been hired by a poor person?
The Miami Herald hired you in 1991 because they thought they could make money from your efforts. Only fabulously wealthy people, men like George Soros, can afford to hire people to explain medieval ivories to them because they want to know about them. Employment is a symbiotic relationship. I am sorry that the tomato pickers are abused and exploited. [Do suppose they caused the salmonella outbreak to get back at us for not caring enough?]
I am sorry that “respected colleagues are losing their jobs”. When the first wave of layoffs came did you volunteer to work for less? Did you toss some of your own money into a communal pot for redundant “FTEs”? I am taking a guess here when I assume that “FTE” means Full Time Employee. You never translated it.
If “the ways this paper has disappointed you” has enough material for a book I have one question. Why did you stay? It seems to me that that is the ultimate self compromising sell out. Was your workplace hostile to your gender? You say that your colleagues “work long hours for little pay, little recognition and almost constant abuse”. Who does the hiring down there? Mother Teresa?
Your next assignment is in Cairo, Egypt as opposed to the one in Illinois. You say you will have “a conversation with the next generation of journalists in the Arab world”. Your first assignment is to ask them what happened to the last generation of Arab journalists.
See if they can find an Arab Tom Fiedler. See if a Fuzzy-Wuzzy P.J. O’Rourke is luring behind the Aswan Dam.
“Corpus Christi” is a play whose road shows are sometimes partially financed by the taxpayers of America. The premise is that Jesus and Judas were homosexual lovers. They had a lovers’ quarrel. Judas dropped a dime on Jesus. Jesus was crucified. Many, many people find this to be blasphemously offensive. We, since I am one of them, are told that freedom of speech must tolerate offensive things.
When you get to Cairo would you try to pick me up a set of the cartoons about the prophet Mohammed, blessed by his name? I particularly want the ones that have him humping the goat.
You say “openness, courage and a willingness to confront power” is “what our business stands for”. You go on to say that “these values are endangered here at home”. Are they? Please send me a copy of any Cairo newspaper criticizing Mubarak the way that the New York Times criticizes Bush.
Last is a fun assignment for someone who makes a living with words.
Find out how the word WOG came to be.
Hint. It involves Sudan.
PS – How about an autographed picture of you wearing your formal burqa?
Ana Menendez
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693
RE: Cairo’s gain – Miami’s loss?
Ms. Menendez,
It is a source of amazement to me that people in journalism get away with a narcissism bordering on solipsism. That, plus the modern American Liberal syndrome, “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, enables them to pass through our culture like a stealth bomber on steroids.
The flaccid economic prospects of the Miami Herald prompt me to ask a question.
Have you ever been hired by a poor person?
The Miami Herald hired you in 1991 because they thought they could make money from your efforts. Only fabulously wealthy people, men like George Soros, can afford to hire people to explain medieval ivories to them because they want to know about them. Employment is a symbiotic relationship. I am sorry that the tomato pickers are abused and exploited. [Do suppose they caused the salmonella outbreak to get back at us for not caring enough?]
I am sorry that “respected colleagues are losing their jobs”. When the first wave of layoffs came did you volunteer to work for less? Did you toss some of your own money into a communal pot for redundant “FTEs”? I am taking a guess here when I assume that “FTE” means Full Time Employee. You never translated it.
If “the ways this paper has disappointed you” has enough material for a book I have one question. Why did you stay? It seems to me that that is the ultimate self compromising sell out. Was your workplace hostile to your gender? You say that your colleagues “work long hours for little pay, little recognition and almost constant abuse”. Who does the hiring down there? Mother Teresa?
Your next assignment is in Cairo, Egypt as opposed to the one in Illinois. You say you will have “a conversation with the next generation of journalists in the Arab world”. Your first assignment is to ask them what happened to the last generation of Arab journalists.
See if they can find an Arab Tom Fiedler. See if a Fuzzy-Wuzzy P.J. O’Rourke is luring behind the Aswan Dam.
“Corpus Christi” is a play whose road shows are sometimes partially financed by the taxpayers of America. The premise is that Jesus and Judas were homosexual lovers. They had a lovers’ quarrel. Judas dropped a dime on Jesus. Jesus was crucified. Many, many people find this to be blasphemously offensive. We, since I am one of them, are told that freedom of speech must tolerate offensive things.
When you get to Cairo would you try to pick me up a set of the cartoons about the prophet Mohammed, blessed by his name? I particularly want the ones that have him humping the goat.
You say “openness, courage and a willingness to confront power” is “what our business stands for”. You go on to say that “these values are endangered here at home”. Are they? Please send me a copy of any Cairo newspaper criticizing Mubarak the way that the New York Times criticizes Bush.
Last is a fun assignment for someone who makes a living with words.
Find out how the word WOG came to be.
Hint. It involves Sudan.
PS – How about an autographed picture of you wearing your formal burqa?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Governor Ed Rendell
July 11, 2008
Governor Ed Rendell
225 Main Capitol Building
Harrisburg, PA 17120
RE: What’s a polite word for bullshit?
Easy Ed,
I am listening to you on “Squawk Box”.
Your mentioning of Brazil’s energy independence is proof, yet again, that beer is still not a breakfast food.
I hate to be the first to tell you but Brazil discovered two enormous, beyond enormous, almost Biblical, heretofore unknown oil fields in the Atlantic Ocean. If they can drill in the ocean, why can’t we?
Now you are saying that we need a trillion dollar [that’s $1,000,000,000,000…I think] “infrastructure makeover” as being just the ticket for the economy. Just like the ‘30s, right? Is this the weekend Senator Precious Bambi announces his plan for packing the Supreme Court?
Too bad we’ve already had 9/11. He could have planned for 12/7.
God’s Holy Trousers! Didn’t you father tell you not to jump into the gin before sundown? If he didn’t he should have.
P.S. – Why not send Jesse Jackson to Camp Gitmo? As soon as he uses his slingblade to “denut” a couple of WOGs the rest of them will sing like Pavarotti.
Governor Ed Rendell
225 Main Capitol Building
Harrisburg, PA 17120
RE: What’s a polite word for bullshit?
Easy Ed,
I am listening to you on “Squawk Box”.
Your mentioning of Brazil’s energy independence is proof, yet again, that beer is still not a breakfast food.
I hate to be the first to tell you but Brazil discovered two enormous, beyond enormous, almost Biblical, heretofore unknown oil fields in the Atlantic Ocean. If they can drill in the ocean, why can’t we?
Now you are saying that we need a trillion dollar [that’s $1,000,000,000,000…I think] “infrastructure makeover” as being just the ticket for the economy. Just like the ‘30s, right? Is this the weekend Senator Precious Bambi announces his plan for packing the Supreme Court?
Too bad we’ve already had 9/11. He could have planned for 12/7.
God’s Holy Trousers! Didn’t you father tell you not to jump into the gin before sundown? If he didn’t he should have.
P.S. – Why not send Jesse Jackson to Camp Gitmo? As soon as he uses his slingblade to “denut” a couple of WOGs the rest of them will sing like Pavarotti.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Senator B. Hussein Obama
July 10, 2008
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic National HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003
RE: Words, words, words
Senator Precious,
A while back, a sitting United States Senator, George Allen [R – Virginia] used the word “macaca”. He was last seen with his indiscreet, tone deaf White ass welded to a Saturn rocket in pursuit of the Pioneer space probe, the one launched in 1977.
Last night I heard the very Reverend Jesse Jackson say that he “wanted to cut your nuts off”.
I still don’t what “macaca” means. Perhaps it means “kill your cows”. Perhaps it means “Burn the widows”. I don’t know.
I sure as Hell know what “cut your nuts off” means. In fact, I just reached down for a quick inventory.
It’s too late to Gorilla Glue Jesse’s indiscreet, tone deaf Black ass onto the same rocket that George Allen is on.
Should he get his own?
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic National HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003
RE: Words, words, words
Senator Precious,
A while back, a sitting United States Senator, George Allen [R – Virginia] used the word “macaca”. He was last seen with his indiscreet, tone deaf White ass welded to a Saturn rocket in pursuit of the Pioneer space probe, the one launched in 1977.
Last night I heard the very Reverend Jesse Jackson say that he “wanted to cut your nuts off”.
I still don’t what “macaca” means. Perhaps it means “kill your cows”. Perhaps it means “Burn the widows”. I don’t know.
I sure as Hell know what “cut your nuts off” means. In fact, I just reached down for a quick inventory.
It’s too late to Gorilla Glue Jesse’s indiscreet, tone deaf Black ass onto the same rocket that George Allen is on.
Should he get his own?
Vice Deputy Mayor Jared Moskowitz, Parkland FL
July 10, 2008
Vice Deputy Mayor Jared Moskowitz
Parkland City Hall
6600 University Drive
Parkland, Florida 33067
Parkland, Florida
RE: A “Profile in Courage” moment for you
My dear deputy vice mayor of greenness Moskowitz,
Some people are born dumb.
Some people get dumb.
Some people have dumbness thrust upon them.
Is it possible we have a perfect storm Trifecta in Broward County?
Who could it be?
I’ll end the suspense.
If you’re in the line it won’t take long to call the roll.
Last week you decreed that Publix could no longer allow customers to use plastic bags.
It was based on a Luddite view of science. In fact, the sky is falling, the river is rising, polar bears are drowning, “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE”, only rich White people can afford to be environmentalists ‘cuz we don’t care how many Black, Brown, or Yellow babies die because of our solipsism, head so far up your ass that you can do your own root canal scientific and cultural view that hold credence today because it oh so much easier to feel than it is to think
Thus I explain how you got – get - elected.
This week gives you the opportunity to score big points on the “We Care For the Environment Because It’s for the Children bandwagon.
Dara Torres, a Parkland resident, qualified for the Olympics in two different swimming events.
Her story is remarkable. It is one that we all can marvel at. It is one that politicians love to get in front of as if they were responsible for it. Her story should be told by a bard to an enthralled audience.
There is one little turd in the punch bowl. It’s like a fart in church.
When she swims she wears plastic.
If you don’t want customers at Publix to use plastic bags when they are carrying their arugula or endives how can you countenance her using an inorganic bathing suit?
Summon your minions into a formal council meeting. Pass a resolution that she wears either cotton or nothing. Should she ignore your advice she is to be shunned by Parkland. No parades, no key to the city. Instead, she is to be censured for putting herself above the needs of her soon to be charbroiled fellow citizens.
Geopolitically, Dara swimming in the buff would do more for Round Eye-Sino relations than a clone of WAL*MART showing up with a huge sack filled with cash.
I’m just kidding.
It’s just my way of getting your attention.
You’ve won another prestigious award.
You are now a member of the Broward County VIP club
That’s VIP as in Very Important Putz.
Vice Deputy Mayor Jared Moskowitz
Parkland City Hall
6600 University Drive
Parkland, Florida 33067
Parkland, Florida
RE: A “Profile in Courage” moment for you
My dear deputy vice mayor of greenness Moskowitz,
Some people are born dumb.
Some people get dumb.
Some people have dumbness thrust upon them.
Is it possible we have a perfect storm Trifecta in Broward County?
Who could it be?
I’ll end the suspense.
If you’re in the line it won’t take long to call the roll.
Last week you decreed that Publix could no longer allow customers to use plastic bags.
It was based on a Luddite view of science. In fact, the sky is falling, the river is rising, polar bears are drowning, “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE”, only rich White people can afford to be environmentalists ‘cuz we don’t care how many Black, Brown, or Yellow babies die because of our solipsism, head so far up your ass that you can do your own root canal scientific and cultural view that hold credence today because it oh so much easier to feel than it is to think
Thus I explain how you got – get - elected.
This week gives you the opportunity to score big points on the “We Care For the Environment Because It’s for the Children bandwagon.
Dara Torres, a Parkland resident, qualified for the Olympics in two different swimming events.
Her story is remarkable. It is one that we all can marvel at. It is one that politicians love to get in front of as if they were responsible for it. Her story should be told by a bard to an enthralled audience.
There is one little turd in the punch bowl. It’s like a fart in church.
When she swims she wears plastic.
If you don’t want customers at Publix to use plastic bags when they are carrying their arugula or endives how can you countenance her using an inorganic bathing suit?
Summon your minions into a formal council meeting. Pass a resolution that she wears either cotton or nothing. Should she ignore your advice she is to be shunned by Parkland. No parades, no key to the city. Instead, she is to be censured for putting herself above the needs of her soon to be charbroiled fellow citizens.
Geopolitically, Dara swimming in the buff would do more for Round Eye-Sino relations than a clone of WAL*MART showing up with a huge sack filled with cash.
I’m just kidding.
It’s just my way of getting your attention.
You’ve won another prestigious award.
You are now a member of the Broward County VIP club
That’s VIP as in Very Important Putz.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Senator B. Hussein Obama RE: Just 2 questions
July 8, 2008
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, CD 20003
RE: Just 2 questions
Precious Senator Bambi,
#1 One of your TV ads says that you worked your way through college and law school.
What kind of jobs did you have? Were they inside or outside? Did you use any tools? Did you do anything with cinder blocks or cement? Did you shovel manure? Did you stock shelves? Did you deliver the mail? Did you work in a freezer? Did you load trucks? Did you unload trucks?
You say that you were on the other side of the law when it came to drugs. You’re one up on me there strictly because of the age difference. I too was on the other side of the fence. I promoted, rather lucratively, petty gambling.
Can you list some of your jobs and your employers?
#2 – 4 years at Princeton resulting in a thesis that posits that being Black in America is…is…different. 3 years at Harvard Law School. Big time schools; big time education; big time job?
What in the name of Thomas More, Blackstone, Clarence Darrow, packing the Supreme Court, and being for gun control before being against it does you wife do for a living?
She is listed as “business diversity expert”?
I am usually impressed by political persiflage particularly when it is overwhelmingly obfuscatory. “Business diversity expert” seems to be lifted straight from Alice in Wonderland.
There are no minority owned PET-Scan companies.
There are no minority owned surgical equipment companies.
There are no minority owned drug companies.
There are no minority owned ambulance manufacturers.
There are no minority owned power companies.
There are no minority owned phone companies.
You have to get all the way down the ladder to the rung labeled “butt wipe” before you can “diversify”. “Wipe”, “Wiper”, “Wipee”, “Wipings” – The mind boggles at the possible combinations.
I know that your wife got a $4,000 a week raise when you were elected to the United States Senate. I know that you got her employer a $1,000,000 “earmark” right after that Eagle landed. If one were to connect those dots a case could be made for the “old politics” of mutual back scratching.
I prefer to take the alternative view. Things like that just happen all the time, particularly in Chicago, Illinois, AKA “Daley’s Little Acre”.
I can see now why your wife would be “proud”, very “proud” of the way things are turning out. Her big time pay check, your big time magic mortgage and Whole Foods welcoming you with open arms and bushels of fresh arugula and you’re living large.
I can’t wait for you to get to the White House.
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, CD 20003
RE: Just 2 questions
Precious Senator Bambi,
#1 One of your TV ads says that you worked your way through college and law school.
What kind of jobs did you have? Were they inside or outside? Did you use any tools? Did you do anything with cinder blocks or cement? Did you shovel manure? Did you stock shelves? Did you deliver the mail? Did you work in a freezer? Did you load trucks? Did you unload trucks?
You say that you were on the other side of the law when it came to drugs. You’re one up on me there strictly because of the age difference. I too was on the other side of the fence. I promoted, rather lucratively, petty gambling.
Can you list some of your jobs and your employers?
#2 – 4 years at Princeton resulting in a thesis that posits that being Black in America is…is…different. 3 years at Harvard Law School. Big time schools; big time education; big time job?
What in the name of Thomas More, Blackstone, Clarence Darrow, packing the Supreme Court, and being for gun control before being against it does you wife do for a living?
She is listed as “business diversity expert”?
I am usually impressed by political persiflage particularly when it is overwhelmingly obfuscatory. “Business diversity expert” seems to be lifted straight from Alice in Wonderland.
There are no minority owned PET-Scan companies.
There are no minority owned surgical equipment companies.
There are no minority owned drug companies.
There are no minority owned ambulance manufacturers.
There are no minority owned power companies.
There are no minority owned phone companies.
You have to get all the way down the ladder to the rung labeled “butt wipe” before you can “diversify”. “Wipe”, “Wiper”, “Wipee”, “Wipings” – The mind boggles at the possible combinations.
I know that your wife got a $4,000 a week raise when you were elected to the United States Senate. I know that you got her employer a $1,000,000 “earmark” right after that Eagle landed. If one were to connect those dots a case could be made for the “old politics” of mutual back scratching.
I prefer to take the alternative view. Things like that just happen all the time, particularly in Chicago, Illinois, AKA “Daley’s Little Acre”.
I can see now why your wife would be “proud”, very “proud” of the way things are turning out. Her big time pay check, your big time magic mortgage and Whole Foods welcoming you with open arms and bushels of fresh arugula and you’re living large.
I can’t wait for you to get to the White House.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Douglas C. Lyons, The Sun-Sentinel
July 5, 2008
Douglas C. Lyons
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301
RE: Memories
Mr. Lyons,
In your column today, “Obama’s Southern Strategy Tackles Tradition”, you make typical modern American Liberal use of eclectic indignation and then old reliable memory hole.
You mention Strom Thurmond as if his name were a four letter word. Let the record show that he was a Democrat.
Why don’t you mention other Democrats of the same era?
How about John Sparkman?
He was a Democratic Senator from Alabama. He was Adlai Stevenson’s choice for Vice President in 1952.
How about Sam Ervin?
He was a Democratic Senator form North Carolina. He ran the Senate Committee that took Nixon down.
How about William Fulbright?
He was a Democratic Senator from Arkansas. He was a favorite of the media establishment because of his enlightened views on foreign policy.
Let me reach down the memory hole and pull out an almost forgotten fact, “An inconvenient truth”, if you will. The above named Democratic Senators, inter alia, had one thing in common. They spent every waking moment of their adult lives working to keep Black kids out of schools filled with White kids.
Let the record show that a higher percentage of Republican Senators voted for all the major civil rights legislation of the ‘60s than did the Democrats.
One thing more is owed to the ledger.
You describe former Vice President Albert Arnold Gore as a “Southerner”. He was raised in the Shoreham Hotel in Washington, DC. His first contact with Black folk was when white gloved butlers served him his breakfast before school. The school, by the way, was private. He continued the tradition of shunning Washington public schools with his children. In fact, no one in his or his wife’s family ever attended a public grammar school or public high school.
Speaking of Obama’s new Southern strategy, do you think his kids will go to any of the really fine public schools in Washington should he become President?
Douglas C. Lyons
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301
RE: Memories
Mr. Lyons,
In your column today, “Obama’s Southern Strategy Tackles Tradition”, you make typical modern American Liberal use of eclectic indignation and then old reliable memory hole.
You mention Strom Thurmond as if his name were a four letter word. Let the record show that he was a Democrat.
Why don’t you mention other Democrats of the same era?
How about John Sparkman?
He was a Democratic Senator from Alabama. He was Adlai Stevenson’s choice for Vice President in 1952.
How about Sam Ervin?
He was a Democratic Senator form North Carolina. He ran the Senate Committee that took Nixon down.
How about William Fulbright?
He was a Democratic Senator from Arkansas. He was a favorite of the media establishment because of his enlightened views on foreign policy.
Let me reach down the memory hole and pull out an almost forgotten fact, “An inconvenient truth”, if you will. The above named Democratic Senators, inter alia, had one thing in common. They spent every waking moment of their adult lives working to keep Black kids out of schools filled with White kids.
Let the record show that a higher percentage of Republican Senators voted for all the major civil rights legislation of the ‘60s than did the Democrats.
One thing more is owed to the ledger.
You describe former Vice President Albert Arnold Gore as a “Southerner”. He was raised in the Shoreham Hotel in Washington, DC. His first contact with Black folk was when white gloved butlers served him his breakfast before school. The school, by the way, was private. He continued the tradition of shunning Washington public schools with his children. In fact, no one in his or his wife’s family ever attended a public grammar school or public high school.
Speaking of Obama’s new Southern strategy, do you think his kids will go to any of the really fine public schools in Washington should he become President?
Senator B. Hussein Obama
July 5, 2008
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003
RE: 1 – 800 – Oh my aching back
Senator Bambi,
Keep the above number on speed dial.
It routes your call to the nearest traveling chiropractor.
Forget about the normal political flip-flops. You’re a politician, remember? Your pastor of 20 years, The Reverend Wrong Wright, said, “No big deal. He’s a pol. He’s gotta say what he’s gotta say”. I’m not talking about the quotidian jive turkey balderdash that politicians revel in and think no one notices. I’m talking about mind bending, back breaking, torso twisting verbal contortions that only a Dante could describe.
Reversing a line from Senator Jay Forbes Kerry’s hugely successful book on campaigning, that’s the one where he said he was “for the war before he was against it”, you said you were for restrictions on the Second Amendment before you were for against it. I think. Maybe. That’s cute. Snap. Next time you say something like that think about your lumbar spine.
2 years ago you were opposed to the war in Iraq. No ifs, no ands, no buts. Alas, History intruded. The “surge” worked. Now you say you will “refine” your position. Since you are opposed to refining crude oil into gasoline I suppose we should be thankful you are in favor of refining anything. Maybe you can take some combat brigades out of Iraq and invade Pakistan, like you promised.
Ping! There goes your left hip.
You said, repeatedly, in parts of Ohio and Pennsylvania know as the breeding grounds of “embittered” people who embrace “guns and God” as a substitute for good, clear thinking. that you would “unilaterally renegotiate NAFTA in order to get jobs for these victims of Globalization. Perhaps you forget that NAFTA is a treaty and, as such, the law of the land. Your thin resume says that you taught at a law school. Could send me the references that say one party to a contract can renegotiate or change the terms of said contract as if the other signators don’t exist.
Ouch! Your knee just went poof.
Now you say that your previous statements were “rhetorically overheated”. I say it was “rhetorical incontinence”. Perhaps verbal diarrhea would be a better way to describe it to those “embittered” dudes whose votes you so desperately need.
Snap, crackle, pop! There goes your cervical spine.
Next, you tip-toed into the briar patch of abortion. You said that “mental stress” was not a sufficient reason for a partial birth abortion. I am not sure whether the stress was that of the mother or the child. Either way you will now incur the wrath of the Sisterhood of 4th Trimester Skull Crushing.
[African-American women make up about 6% of the population. They have had about 38% of the abortions in this country since Roe v Wade. Why isn’t this talked about? Justice Marshall, in a vote upholding abortion, said that the difficulties that Blacks face in this country as adults was ample reason for his vote in favor of disproportionately killing Black babies. Why is this not called genocide? Why the silence?]
The there’s the question of your mortgage.
Crunch! Your toes just curled backwards as your elbows and your ass came into prolonged contact. Deo volente, you’ll be able to tell them apart.
1 – 800 – Oh my aching back accepts all major credit cards and, yes, makes house calls.
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003
RE: 1 – 800 – Oh my aching back
Senator Bambi,
Keep the above number on speed dial.
It routes your call to the nearest traveling chiropractor.
Forget about the normal political flip-flops. You’re a politician, remember? Your pastor of 20 years, The Reverend Wrong Wright, said, “No big deal. He’s a pol. He’s gotta say what he’s gotta say”. I’m not talking about the quotidian jive turkey balderdash that politicians revel in and think no one notices. I’m talking about mind bending, back breaking, torso twisting verbal contortions that only a Dante could describe.
Reversing a line from Senator Jay Forbes Kerry’s hugely successful book on campaigning, that’s the one where he said he was “for the war before he was against it”, you said you were for restrictions on the Second Amendment before you were for against it. I think. Maybe. That’s cute. Snap. Next time you say something like that think about your lumbar spine.
2 years ago you were opposed to the war in Iraq. No ifs, no ands, no buts. Alas, History intruded. The “surge” worked. Now you say you will “refine” your position. Since you are opposed to refining crude oil into gasoline I suppose we should be thankful you are in favor of refining anything. Maybe you can take some combat brigades out of Iraq and invade Pakistan, like you promised.
Ping! There goes your left hip.
You said, repeatedly, in parts of Ohio and Pennsylvania know as the breeding grounds of “embittered” people who embrace “guns and God” as a substitute for good, clear thinking. that you would “unilaterally renegotiate NAFTA in order to get jobs for these victims of Globalization. Perhaps you forget that NAFTA is a treaty and, as such, the law of the land. Your thin resume says that you taught at a law school. Could send me the references that say one party to a contract can renegotiate or change the terms of said contract as if the other signators don’t exist.
Ouch! Your knee just went poof.
Now you say that your previous statements were “rhetorically overheated”. I say it was “rhetorical incontinence”. Perhaps verbal diarrhea would be a better way to describe it to those “embittered” dudes whose votes you so desperately need.
Snap, crackle, pop! There goes your cervical spine.
Next, you tip-toed into the briar patch of abortion. You said that “mental stress” was not a sufficient reason for a partial birth abortion. I am not sure whether the stress was that of the mother or the child. Either way you will now incur the wrath of the Sisterhood of 4th Trimester Skull Crushing.
[African-American women make up about 6% of the population. They have had about 38% of the abortions in this country since Roe v Wade. Why isn’t this talked about? Justice Marshall, in a vote upholding abortion, said that the difficulties that Blacks face in this country as adults was ample reason for his vote in favor of disproportionately killing Black babies. Why is this not called genocide? Why the silence?]
The there’s the question of your mortgage.
Crunch! Your toes just curled backwards as your elbows and your ass came into prolonged contact. Deo volente, you’ll be able to tell them apart.
1 – 800 – Oh my aching back accepts all major credit cards and, yes, makes house calls.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Congressman Ron Klein
July 4, 2008
Congressman Ron Klein
800 Broward Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301
RE: Happy Fourth of July!
Congressman Klein,
I am too old to be bamboozled. Or so I thought.
I thought there was a chance, perhaps no bigger than a man’s fist against the horizon, but a chance nevertheless, that you could have been one of the better ones in Congress. I thought that you could be a Congressman who not bring shame to our – yours, mine – district every time you opened your mouth.
Alas, I was wrong.
Take our neighbors. Or, as that noted political sage Henny Youngman said, “Please”.
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz – Her public utterances, reflecting her thought processes, are beginning to resemble her hair. Her current hairstylist is Medusa. I have a particular animus concerning her because, despite being the poster girl for modern American Liberalism, she had no problem putting on her brown shirt and hob nail boots and sending the police, men with badges and guns, to my house to question me about something I wrote. Would I be stretching the envelope to say she is a closet Nazi? Quien sabe?
Wexler the Scroyle – It is impossible to say enough bad things about him. I’ll run out of ink and paper before I do.
Alcee Hastings – Is America a great country or what? He gets his black robed, felonious ass tossed off the Federal Bench for venality and mendacity on a scale worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book. He gets a going away present of a district so constructed that O.J. Simpson or Michael Jackson would have been elected. The only good thing to come of his election was that his district sent an already confirmed moral slag heap to Washington. That way they cut back on the Learning Curve time spent on a newcomer ascending the mountain of hypocrisy.
Carrie Meek – What’s the sense of having a business if you can’t take care of your family? Taking a cue from the Kennedys – Kathleen of Maryland and Patrick of Rhode Island – are so Goddamn dumb they make my hair hurt. My hair hurting is better than having my finger nails curl backwards and having my ears implode which is what happens every time her boob son, Kendrick, opens his yap.
That’s why I had such high hopes for you. Sad to say but if I were a woman I would always have been pregnant.
Concerning your just released energy plan…
The local papers say that you have a 5 point plan that “could work to lower gas prices in the near future”.
I suggest that Jeezus Haitch Keerist will walk down the Intracoastal every Sunday at noon calling for the cows to come home before that happens. Pastor Wrong Wright, Senator B. Hussein Obama’s favorite preacher, will be circumcised and Bah Mitzvahed as close to the Wailing Wall as is theologically and militarily possible before that happens.
As to the specifics…
A quick look at History tells us that 18 centuries ago the Emperor Diocletian, having said that the price of bread was too high, decreed a “fair price” for a loaf. Based on your public statements I know that you’ll be shocked, shocked to learn that very quickly there was no bread available at the “fair price”. If you gave the owner of your local pistrina a bit of pecunia on the side you got your loaf, maybe even some fishes too. The Emperor was outraged. His solution was simple. If you made bread and sold it above the “fair price” you had your hands cut off. Since the bakers who sold bread at the “fair price” couldn’t make any bread and those who did could no longer knead the dough – you need hands to do so, remember? – we had the ideal modern American Liberal solution. Nobody gets any bread. Thus, the “equal sharing of miseries” portion of the Democratic Party permanent platform was kept 18 centuries ago. Some things are immune to the reliable flip-flop.
You say that oil companies must “drill all the land they control before leasing new Federal land”.
You were a registered lobbyist while you were a member of the Florida legislature. I can’t tell you what the rules, regs, and mores were for lobbying fellow legislators while the House was in session. I’m from Hudson County, New Jersey so nothing can surprise me about elected officials. Maybe you changed your tie; maybe you wore a mask. I can tell you something about the drilling business. I drilled wells in New York, Ohio, Wyoming, Texas, and New Mexico.
When you say, very stupidly because it is obvious that you know nothing about the subject being debated, about drilling on “all the acres”, you show ignorance worthy of Congressman Meek.
#1 – Federal leases, particularly those on dry land, require the driller to observe local acreage and spacing limitations. For example, one well every 30 acres. One well every 300 acres. No well within sight of another well even if the other well is not on my property. How many dry holes would I have to drill before I was relieved of the responsibility to stop drilling “all the acres”?
#2 – How would a “clean energy tax” and “investing in research for affordable energy” lower “gasoline prices at the pump in the near future”? Do you propose, a la Congressman Wasserman-Schultz, to send the coppers, replete with badges and guns, into the board rooms of domestic oil companies and make them lower the price?
One of your colleagues, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, suggested the nationalization of refineries. Who will run them? The Post Office? FEMA? The Department of Motor Vehicles? The screeners at the airport?
To a modern American Liberal results are irrelevant. What matters most is the effort. Maybe you can learn from Diocletian.
In the meantime there are three concrete things you can do.
#1 – Turn off the air conditioners in your office and your home.
#2 – You and every member of your staff must give up personal automobiles. Buses, bikes, kayaks, skateboards, wind driven Conestoga wagons, or riding on the back of a jackass. Scratch that. You belong on a horse. A big one. A very big one. Since you are the most recent example of a breed increasing in numbers in Florida – Elected Horses’ Asses - get your saddle as close to the horse’s ass as you can. Gorilla Glue the saddle to the horse and you to the saddle lest you ascend into an orbit filled with others who mainline “Balloon Juice”.
#3 – Since CO2 leads to Global Warming and drowning polar bears any reduction in CO2 is good. I want you to hold your breath for an hour each day.
Think of it as being for the children.
Congressman Ron Klein
800 Broward Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301
RE: Happy Fourth of July!
Congressman Klein,
I am too old to be bamboozled. Or so I thought.
I thought there was a chance, perhaps no bigger than a man’s fist against the horizon, but a chance nevertheless, that you could have been one of the better ones in Congress. I thought that you could be a Congressman who not bring shame to our – yours, mine – district every time you opened your mouth.
Alas, I was wrong.
Take our neighbors. Or, as that noted political sage Henny Youngman said, “Please”.
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz – Her public utterances, reflecting her thought processes, are beginning to resemble her hair. Her current hairstylist is Medusa. I have a particular animus concerning her because, despite being the poster girl for modern American Liberalism, she had no problem putting on her brown shirt and hob nail boots and sending the police, men with badges and guns, to my house to question me about something I wrote. Would I be stretching the envelope to say she is a closet Nazi? Quien sabe?
Wexler the Scroyle – It is impossible to say enough bad things about him. I’ll run out of ink and paper before I do.
Alcee Hastings – Is America a great country or what? He gets his black robed, felonious ass tossed off the Federal Bench for venality and mendacity on a scale worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book. He gets a going away present of a district so constructed that O.J. Simpson or Michael Jackson would have been elected. The only good thing to come of his election was that his district sent an already confirmed moral slag heap to Washington. That way they cut back on the Learning Curve time spent on a newcomer ascending the mountain of hypocrisy.
Carrie Meek – What’s the sense of having a business if you can’t take care of your family? Taking a cue from the Kennedys – Kathleen of Maryland and Patrick of Rhode Island – are so Goddamn dumb they make my hair hurt. My hair hurting is better than having my finger nails curl backwards and having my ears implode which is what happens every time her boob son, Kendrick, opens his yap.
That’s why I had such high hopes for you. Sad to say but if I were a woman I would always have been pregnant.
Concerning your just released energy plan…
The local papers say that you have a 5 point plan that “could work to lower gas prices in the near future”.
I suggest that Jeezus Haitch Keerist will walk down the Intracoastal every Sunday at noon calling for the cows to come home before that happens. Pastor Wrong Wright, Senator B. Hussein Obama’s favorite preacher, will be circumcised and Bah Mitzvahed as close to the Wailing Wall as is theologically and militarily possible before that happens.
As to the specifics…
A quick look at History tells us that 18 centuries ago the Emperor Diocletian, having said that the price of bread was too high, decreed a “fair price” for a loaf. Based on your public statements I know that you’ll be shocked, shocked to learn that very quickly there was no bread available at the “fair price”. If you gave the owner of your local pistrina a bit of pecunia on the side you got your loaf, maybe even some fishes too. The Emperor was outraged. His solution was simple. If you made bread and sold it above the “fair price” you had your hands cut off. Since the bakers who sold bread at the “fair price” couldn’t make any bread and those who did could no longer knead the dough – you need hands to do so, remember? – we had the ideal modern American Liberal solution. Nobody gets any bread. Thus, the “equal sharing of miseries” portion of the Democratic Party permanent platform was kept 18 centuries ago. Some things are immune to the reliable flip-flop.
You say that oil companies must “drill all the land they control before leasing new Federal land”.
You were a registered lobbyist while you were a member of the Florida legislature. I can’t tell you what the rules, regs, and mores were for lobbying fellow legislators while the House was in session. I’m from Hudson County, New Jersey so nothing can surprise me about elected officials. Maybe you changed your tie; maybe you wore a mask. I can tell you something about the drilling business. I drilled wells in New York, Ohio, Wyoming, Texas, and New Mexico.
When you say, very stupidly because it is obvious that you know nothing about the subject being debated, about drilling on “all the acres”, you show ignorance worthy of Congressman Meek.
#1 – Federal leases, particularly those on dry land, require the driller to observe local acreage and spacing limitations. For example, one well every 30 acres. One well every 300 acres. No well within sight of another well even if the other well is not on my property. How many dry holes would I have to drill before I was relieved of the responsibility to stop drilling “all the acres”?
#2 – How would a “clean energy tax” and “investing in research for affordable energy” lower “gasoline prices at the pump in the near future”? Do you propose, a la Congressman Wasserman-Schultz, to send the coppers, replete with badges and guns, into the board rooms of domestic oil companies and make them lower the price?
One of your colleagues, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, suggested the nationalization of refineries. Who will run them? The Post Office? FEMA? The Department of Motor Vehicles? The screeners at the airport?
To a modern American Liberal results are irrelevant. What matters most is the effort. Maybe you can learn from Diocletian.
In the meantime there are three concrete things you can do.
#1 – Turn off the air conditioners in your office and your home.
#2 – You and every member of your staff must give up personal automobiles. Buses, bikes, kayaks, skateboards, wind driven Conestoga wagons, or riding on the back of a jackass. Scratch that. You belong on a horse. A big one. A very big one. Since you are the most recent example of a breed increasing in numbers in Florida – Elected Horses’ Asses - get your saddle as close to the horse’s ass as you can. Gorilla Glue the saddle to the horse and you to the saddle lest you ascend into an orbit filled with others who mainline “Balloon Juice”.
#3 – Since CO2 leads to Global Warming and drowning polar bears any reduction in CO2 is good. I want you to hold your breath for an hour each day.
Think of it as being for the children.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Jared Moskowitz – Deputy Vice Mayor, Parkland, FL
July 3, 2008
Jared Moskowitz – Deputy Vice Mayor
Parkland City Hall
6600 University Drive
Parkland, Florida 33067
RE: The banning of plastic bags in Parkland
Mr. Moskowitz,
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are the early winner of one of Broward County’s most coveted awards.
For your moronic, imbecilic, Biblically ass backwards “rhetorical incontinence”, perhaps “verbal diarrhea” would make it easier for you to understand, claptrap about banning the use of plastic bags in Parkland, the purpose of which is to save the drowning polar bears and the long suffering manatees by decreasing our toxic carbon footprint, you have earned the right to be known as
THE HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
Logic, a gift of Western Civilization with which you have no working knowledge, compels me to carry out your Luddite fascination with anti-rationalism to its – Surprise – its Logical conclusion.
#1 – Ban all air conditioners in city owned facilities. Once the citizens see how effective this is in stopping Global Warming they will surrender their personal air conditioners to an environmentally sensitive recycling center.
#2 – The use of automobiles in Parkland is banned. The only exception will be for the police transportation of public officials – And guess who comes to mind, you big galoot you – to the nearest booby hatch for observation. I would recommend, as a Certified Life Coach, that you be sent to the world famous Camp Gitmo, America’s well known Caribbean adult sleep away camp, save for the fact that it would constitute “cruel and inhuman punishment” for the other occupants, the sensitive goat humping, bomb throwing Fuzzy Wuzzies. They would vote, unanimously, to be waterboarded with liquid lard 24/7 than to listen to you.
#3 – Greenhouse gases, particularly CO2, are toxic. Humans exhale CO2. Just before the plastic ban takes effect I suggest that you stand on the steps of City Hall and put a very large plastic bag over your head and count backwards from 6,345. Staple the following note to your chest:
I DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN
RECYCLE ME AT THE NEAREST FLORIDA PANTHER PIT
MANATEE SUFFRAGE WILL BE MY LEGACY
Wear you honors proudly. No set asides, no Affirmative Action, no despised “special interest” lobbying behind the scenes for you. You got your award the old fashioned way.
YOU EARNED IT!
Jared Moskowitz – Deputy Vice Mayor
Parkland City Hall
6600 University Drive
Parkland, Florida 33067
RE: The banning of plastic bags in Parkland
Mr. Moskowitz,
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are the early winner of one of Broward County’s most coveted awards.
For your moronic, imbecilic, Biblically ass backwards “rhetorical incontinence”, perhaps “verbal diarrhea” would make it easier for you to understand, claptrap about banning the use of plastic bags in Parkland, the purpose of which is to save the drowning polar bears and the long suffering manatees by decreasing our toxic carbon footprint, you have earned the right to be known as
THE HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
Logic, a gift of Western Civilization with which you have no working knowledge, compels me to carry out your Luddite fascination with anti-rationalism to its – Surprise – its Logical conclusion.
#1 – Ban all air conditioners in city owned facilities. Once the citizens see how effective this is in stopping Global Warming they will surrender their personal air conditioners to an environmentally sensitive recycling center.
#2 – The use of automobiles in Parkland is banned. The only exception will be for the police transportation of public officials – And guess who comes to mind, you big galoot you – to the nearest booby hatch for observation. I would recommend, as a Certified Life Coach, that you be sent to the world famous Camp Gitmo, America’s well known Caribbean adult sleep away camp, save for the fact that it would constitute “cruel and inhuman punishment” for the other occupants, the sensitive goat humping, bomb throwing Fuzzy Wuzzies. They would vote, unanimously, to be waterboarded with liquid lard 24/7 than to listen to you.
#3 – Greenhouse gases, particularly CO2, are toxic. Humans exhale CO2. Just before the plastic ban takes effect I suggest that you stand on the steps of City Hall and put a very large plastic bag over your head and count backwards from 6,345. Staple the following note to your chest:
I DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN
RECYCLE ME AT THE NEAREST FLORIDA PANTHER PIT
MANATEE SUFFRAGE WILL BE MY LEGACY
Wear you honors proudly. No set asides, no Affirmative Action, no despised “special interest” lobbying behind the scenes for you. You got your award the old fashioned way.
YOU EARNED IT!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Senator B. Hussein Obama
July 2, 2008
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic National HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, D.C 2003
RE: “Movin’ on up…”
Senator Bambi,
Do you remember the Eddie Murphy “Rich White Guys” sketch on Saturday Night Live? That was the one whose premise was that White Guys will do anything for other White Guys. If at all possible – read, no Black Guys around – they will do it for free.
Congratulations!
You are officially the first post racial Black White Guy.
It’s about you house in Chicago. That’s the one with 9 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, 12 fireplaces, an indoor pool, a 12 car garage, an indoor equestrian track, and, based on your sorry assed bowling performance in Bug Fug, Pennsylvania, an indoor bowling alley.
It’s the house you bought just after your wife got a $4,000 a week raise from the hospital she works for. That’s the same hospital you got a $1,000,000 earmark for. Some may question the timing of those transactions. Some may say it was a quid for the quo. Not me. I was born and raised in Bayonne, New Jersey. Bayonne is in the good part of Hudson County. Everybody knows that stuff like that happens all the time. Besides, the evidence is circumstantial. It’s like “when you find the trout in the milk”.
I know that you did some kind of a “Midnight Transfer” land swap with Rezko, your neighbor to comply with some silly assed zoning laws. To be more precise, that’s Rezko, your convicted felon neighbor. If you are a “stand up guy” you’ll be at his sentencing hearing. “Stand up guy”? Send a SASE.
Dean Acheson, the Secretary of State in a Democratic administration, said “I do not intend to turn my back on Alger Hiss”. Hiss was accused of treason involving the atomic bomb. Rezko was convicted of stealing the pennies off a dead man’s eyes.
Speaking of “change we can believe in” what’s up with Madeline Albright? She was also a Secretary of State in a Democratic administration. Since both are folliclely challenged [for those whose kids are not in public school that means bald] I can tell the difference between the two because Acheson has a moustache. She is carrying heavy water for you. The problem is that if you tell her to haul ass it will take her two trips.
Your mortgage, held by Northern Trust, is an example of your official “Welcome Wagon” gift bag when you got into the “Rich White Guys Club” as the first post racial member.
Simply put it saved you $300 a month on your payment. That’s $300 a month every month for the life of the loan.
Northern Trust, your lien holder, said they did it because doing business with you was seen a business opportunity for them.
Since neither your wife nor you have any practical, boots on the ground, knock on any door business experience, it may seem strange to you. After all, you spent 20 years in church not listening to Pastor Wrong Wright pee in America’s soup. Your other friends, Bomber Ayres and his charming wife, Bernadette the Butcher, lament like Jeremiah that they were not able to blow up more buildings.
How could you know of “business opportunities”?
Half the meals in America are paid for by people who want their guest to buy something from them.
Archer Daniels Midland bought an almost insolvent peanut farm in Georgia not because they wanted to be in that business but because the owner, ex-President Jimmy Carter, as public a “useful idiot” as ever existed, was available for the price of said meal. ADM, a public company, has a marker on an ex-President for considerably less than 30 pieces of silver.
Northern Trust bought an option, a long term leap as they are sometimes called, on you for $300 a month.
Maybe someday they’ll need an earmark.
Maybe someday, if you’re in the White House, the phone will ring at 3:00AM. Who says it has to be from the Israeli Prime Minister? Maybe it will be your bank. You’ll take their call. It’s what Rich White Guys do for each other, remember? It was a good move on their part.
In the meantime the $300 you don’t send to them every month you can send to Whole Foods for arugula.
Maybe you could use some of it for bowling lessons.
Maybe you could send $20 to Hillary. I would hate to see her working the truck stops on IS95 or the Bada Bing club to reduce her debt.
One of the first rules of the “Rich White Guys Club” was promulgated by Hinnissy the Bartender when he spoke reverentially of a local Chicago pol. “He seen his opportunities and he took’em.”
Seven years in Ivy League schools did not go to waste.
Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic National HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, D.C 2003
RE: “Movin’ on up…”
Senator Bambi,
Do you remember the Eddie Murphy “Rich White Guys” sketch on Saturday Night Live? That was the one whose premise was that White Guys will do anything for other White Guys. If at all possible – read, no Black Guys around – they will do it for free.
Congratulations!
You are officially the first post racial Black White Guy.
It’s about you house in Chicago. That’s the one with 9 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, 12 fireplaces, an indoor pool, a 12 car garage, an indoor equestrian track, and, based on your sorry assed bowling performance in Bug Fug, Pennsylvania, an indoor bowling alley.
It’s the house you bought just after your wife got a $4,000 a week raise from the hospital she works for. That’s the same hospital you got a $1,000,000 earmark for. Some may question the timing of those transactions. Some may say it was a quid for the quo. Not me. I was born and raised in Bayonne, New Jersey. Bayonne is in the good part of Hudson County. Everybody knows that stuff like that happens all the time. Besides, the evidence is circumstantial. It’s like “when you find the trout in the milk”.
I know that you did some kind of a “Midnight Transfer” land swap with Rezko, your neighbor to comply with some silly assed zoning laws. To be more precise, that’s Rezko, your convicted felon neighbor. If you are a “stand up guy” you’ll be at his sentencing hearing. “Stand up guy”? Send a SASE.
Dean Acheson, the Secretary of State in a Democratic administration, said “I do not intend to turn my back on Alger Hiss”. Hiss was accused of treason involving the atomic bomb. Rezko was convicted of stealing the pennies off a dead man’s eyes.
Speaking of “change we can believe in” what’s up with Madeline Albright? She was also a Secretary of State in a Democratic administration. Since both are folliclely challenged [for those whose kids are not in public school that means bald] I can tell the difference between the two because Acheson has a moustache. She is carrying heavy water for you. The problem is that if you tell her to haul ass it will take her two trips.
Your mortgage, held by Northern Trust, is an example of your official “Welcome Wagon” gift bag when you got into the “Rich White Guys Club” as the first post racial member.
Simply put it saved you $300 a month on your payment. That’s $300 a month every month for the life of the loan.
Northern Trust, your lien holder, said they did it because doing business with you was seen a business opportunity for them.
Since neither your wife nor you have any practical, boots on the ground, knock on any door business experience, it may seem strange to you. After all, you spent 20 years in church not listening to Pastor Wrong Wright pee in America’s soup. Your other friends, Bomber Ayres and his charming wife, Bernadette the Butcher, lament like Jeremiah that they were not able to blow up more buildings.
How could you know of “business opportunities”?
Half the meals in America are paid for by people who want their guest to buy something from them.
Archer Daniels Midland bought an almost insolvent peanut farm in Georgia not because they wanted to be in that business but because the owner, ex-President Jimmy Carter, as public a “useful idiot” as ever existed, was available for the price of said meal. ADM, a public company, has a marker on an ex-President for considerably less than 30 pieces of silver.
Northern Trust bought an option, a long term leap as they are sometimes called, on you for $300 a month.
Maybe someday they’ll need an earmark.
Maybe someday, if you’re in the White House, the phone will ring at 3:00AM. Who says it has to be from the Israeli Prime Minister? Maybe it will be your bank. You’ll take their call. It’s what Rich White Guys do for each other, remember? It was a good move on their part.
In the meantime the $300 you don’t send to them every month you can send to Whole Foods for arugula.
Maybe you could use some of it for bowling lessons.
Maybe you could send $20 to Hillary. I would hate to see her working the truck stops on IS95 or the Bada Bing club to reduce her debt.
One of the first rules of the “Rich White Guys Club” was promulgated by Hinnissy the Bartender when he spoke reverentially of a local Chicago pol. “He seen his opportunities and he took’em.”
Seven years in Ivy League schools did not go to waste.
Howard Guttman – Democratic TV strategist
June 30, 2008
Howard Guttman – Democratic TV strategist
Democratic National HQ
430 Capital Street, SE
Washington, D.C. 20003
RE: Character
Mr. Guttman,
I just saw you on the Laura Ingrham TV show where you said that since Senator McCain can’t discuss the “issues” he began a “character” attack on Senator Bambi.
One of the common denominators of modern American Liberals is a total ignorance of the past. C.S. Lewis was right when he referred to your type as “Men without chests”. When you say character as if it were a four letter word you have, to mangle an adage, forgotten everything and learned nothing.
Permit me to introduce you to some thoughts on “character”.
“Character is destiny” said Heraclitus.
“Character”, said James Madison “is the single most important thing to ask about someone seeking public office.”
“We can never be too curious about the character of men seeking public office”, said Samuel Adams.
On the other hand…Governor Michael Dukakis, the man who furloughed Willie Horton, the man who told Iowa farmers to think about planting endives instead of corn, the man who held the title of America’s Biggest Horse’s Ass for the picture of him driving a tank until Senator Jay Forbes Kerry claimed it when he wore a bunny suit for some strange reason, insisted that the 1988 election was about “competence, not character”.
Hard times don’t build character; they reveal it.
The only hard times I see that Senator Bambi had were not hearing what Pastor Wrong Wright said for 20 years, ducking votes in the Illinois legislature, getting an earmark of $1,000,000 for his wife’s employer after she got a $4,000 a week – repeat - $4,000 a week raise, being for gun control before he was against it, and being deeply, profoundly exorcised over the price of arugula.
That he countenances B list surrogates to attack Senator McCain speaks, sadly, volumes about his lack of character.
Senator McCain has been tested in a way that few men ever are.
He passed.
The grade on Senator B. Hussein Obama is…“incomplete”.
Howard Guttman – Democratic TV strategist
Democratic National HQ
430 Capital Street, SE
Washington, D.C. 20003
RE: Character
Mr. Guttman,
I just saw you on the Laura Ingrham TV show where you said that since Senator McCain can’t discuss the “issues” he began a “character” attack on Senator Bambi.
One of the common denominators of modern American Liberals is a total ignorance of the past. C.S. Lewis was right when he referred to your type as “Men without chests”. When you say character as if it were a four letter word you have, to mangle an adage, forgotten everything and learned nothing.
Permit me to introduce you to some thoughts on “character”.
“Character is destiny” said Heraclitus.
“Character”, said James Madison “is the single most important thing to ask about someone seeking public office.”
“We can never be too curious about the character of men seeking public office”, said Samuel Adams.
On the other hand…Governor Michael Dukakis, the man who furloughed Willie Horton, the man who told Iowa farmers to think about planting endives instead of corn, the man who held the title of America’s Biggest Horse’s Ass for the picture of him driving a tank until Senator Jay Forbes Kerry claimed it when he wore a bunny suit for some strange reason, insisted that the 1988 election was about “competence, not character”.
Hard times don’t build character; they reveal it.
The only hard times I see that Senator Bambi had were not hearing what Pastor Wrong Wright said for 20 years, ducking votes in the Illinois legislature, getting an earmark of $1,000,000 for his wife’s employer after she got a $4,000 a week – repeat - $4,000 a week raise, being for gun control before he was against it, and being deeply, profoundly exorcised over the price of arugula.
That he countenances B list surrogates to attack Senator McCain speaks, sadly, volumes about his lack of character.
Senator McCain has been tested in a way that few men ever are.
He passed.
The grade on Senator B. Hussein Obama is…“incomplete”.
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