Jared Moskowitz – Deputy Vice Mayor, Parkland, FL

July 3, 2008

Jared Moskowitz – Deputy Vice Mayor
Parkland City Hall
6600 University Drive
Parkland, Florida 33067

RE: The banning of plastic bags in Parkland

Mr. Moskowitz,

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are the early winner of one of Broward County’s most coveted awards.

For your moronic, imbecilic, Biblically ass backwards “rhetorical incontinence”, perhaps “verbal diarrhea” would make it easier for you to understand, claptrap about banning the use of plastic bags in Parkland, the purpose of which is to save the drowning polar bears and the long suffering manatees by decreasing our toxic carbon footprint, you have earned the right to be known as

THE HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

Logic, a gift of Western Civilization with which you have no working knowledge, compels me to carry out your Luddite fascination with anti-rationalism to its – Surprise – its Logical conclusion.

#1 – Ban all air conditioners in city owned facilities. Once the citizens see how effective this is in stopping Global Warming they will surrender their personal air conditioners to an environmentally sensitive recycling center.

#2 – The use of automobiles in Parkland is banned. The only exception will be for the police transportation of public officials – And guess who comes to mind, you big galoot you – to the nearest booby hatch for observation. I would recommend, as a Certified Life Coach, that you be sent to the world famous Camp Gitmo, America’s well known Caribbean adult sleep away camp, save for the fact that it would constitute “cruel and inhuman punishment” for the other occupants, the sensitive goat humping, bomb throwing Fuzzy Wuzzies. They would vote, unanimously, to be waterboarded with liquid lard 24/7 than to listen to you.

#3 – Greenhouse gases, particularly CO2, are toxic. Humans exhale CO2. Just before the plastic ban takes effect I suggest that you stand on the steps of City Hall and put a very large plastic bag over your head and count backwards from 6,345. Staple the following note to your chest:



I DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN
RECYCLE ME AT THE NEAREST FLORIDA PANTHER PIT
MANATEE SUFFRAGE WILL BE MY LEGACY


Wear you honors proudly. No set asides, no Affirmative Action, no despised “special interest” lobbying behind the scenes for you. You got your award the old fashioned way.

YOU EARNED IT!