Senator B. Hussein Obama

July 5, 2008

Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003

RE: 1 – 800 – Oh my aching back

Senator Bambi,

Keep the above number on speed dial.

It routes your call to the nearest traveling chiropractor.

Forget about the normal political flip-flops. You’re a politician, remember? Your pastor of 20 years, The Reverend Wrong Wright, said, “No big deal. He’s a pol. He’s gotta say what he’s gotta say”. I’m not talking about the quotidian jive turkey balderdash that politicians revel in and think no one notices. I’m talking about mind bending, back breaking, torso twisting verbal contortions that only a Dante could describe.

Reversing a line from Senator Jay Forbes Kerry’s hugely successful book on campaigning, that’s the one where he said he was “for the war before he was against it”, you said you were for restrictions on the Second Amendment before you were for against it. I think. Maybe. That’s cute. Snap. Next time you say something like that think about your lumbar spine.

2 years ago you were opposed to the war in Iraq. No ifs, no ands, no buts. Alas, History intruded. The “surge” worked. Now you say you will “refine” your position. Since you are opposed to refining crude oil into gasoline I suppose we should be thankful you are in favor of refining anything. Maybe you can take some combat brigades out of Iraq and invade Pakistan, like you promised.

Ping! There goes your left hip.

You said, repeatedly, in parts of Ohio and Pennsylvania know as the breeding grounds of “embittered” people who embrace “guns and God” as a substitute for good, clear thinking. that you would “unilaterally renegotiate NAFTA in order to get jobs for these victims of Globalization. Perhaps you forget that NAFTA is a treaty and, as such, the law of the land. Your thin resume says that you taught at a law school. Could send me the references that say one party to a contract can renegotiate or change the terms of said contract as if the other signators don’t exist.

Ouch! Your knee just went poof.

Now you say that your previous statements were “rhetorically overheated”. I say it was “rhetorical incontinence”. Perhaps verbal diarrhea would be a better way to describe it to those “embittered” dudes whose votes you so desperately need.

Snap, crackle, pop! There goes your cervical spine.

Next, you tip-toed into the briar patch of abortion. You said that “mental stress” was not a sufficient reason for a partial birth abortion. I am not sure whether the stress was that of the mother or the child. Either way you will now incur the wrath of the Sisterhood of 4th Trimester Skull Crushing.

[African-American women make up about 6% of the population. They have had about 38% of the abortions in this country since Roe v Wade. Why isn’t this talked about? Justice Marshall, in a vote upholding abortion, said that the difficulties that Blacks face in this country as adults was ample reason for his vote in favor of disproportionately killing Black babies. Why is this not called genocide? Why the silence?]

The there’s the question of your mortgage.

Crunch! Your toes just curled backwards as your elbows and your ass came into prolonged contact. Deo volente, you’ll be able to tell them apart.

1 – 800 – Oh my aching back accepts all major credit cards and, yes, makes house calls.