Congressman Ron Klein

July 4, 2008

Congressman Ron Klein
800 Broward Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Happy Fourth of July!

Congressman Klein,

I am too old to be bamboozled. Or so I thought.

I thought there was a chance, perhaps no bigger than a man’s fist against the horizon, but a chance nevertheless, that you could have been one of the better ones in Congress. I thought that you could be a Congressman who not bring shame to our – yours, mine – district every time you opened your mouth.

Alas, I was wrong.

Take our neighbors. Or, as that noted political sage Henny Youngman said, “Please”.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz – Her public utterances, reflecting her thought processes, are beginning to resemble her hair. Her current hairstylist is Medusa. I have a particular animus concerning her because, despite being the poster girl for modern American Liberalism, she had no problem putting on her brown shirt and hob nail boots and sending the police, men with badges and guns, to my house to question me about something I wrote. Would I be stretching the envelope to say she is a closet Nazi? Quien sabe?

Wexler the Scroyle – It is impossible to say enough bad things about him. I’ll run out of ink and paper before I do.

Alcee Hastings – Is America a great country or what? He gets his black robed, felonious ass tossed off the Federal Bench for venality and mendacity on a scale worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book. He gets a going away present of a district so constructed that O.J. Simpson or Michael Jackson would have been elected. The only good thing to come of his election was that his district sent an already confirmed moral slag heap to Washington. That way they cut back on the Learning Curve time spent on a newcomer ascending the mountain of hypocrisy.

Carrie Meek – What’s the sense of having a business if you can’t take care of your family? Taking a cue from the Kennedys – Kathleen of Maryland and Patrick of Rhode Island – are so Goddamn dumb they make my hair hurt. My hair hurting is better than having my finger nails curl backwards and having my ears implode which is what happens every time her boob son, Kendrick, opens his yap.

That’s why I had such high hopes for you. Sad to say but if I were a woman I would always have been pregnant.

Concerning your just released energy plan…

The local papers say that you have a 5 point plan that “could work to lower gas prices in the near future”.

I suggest that Jeezus Haitch Keerist will walk down the Intracoastal every Sunday at noon calling for the cows to come home before that happens. Pastor Wrong Wright, Senator B. Hussein Obama’s favorite preacher, will be circumcised and Bah Mitzvahed as close to the Wailing Wall as is theologically and militarily possible before that happens.

As to the specifics…

A quick look at History tells us that 18 centuries ago the Emperor Diocletian, having said that the price of bread was too high, decreed a “fair price” for a loaf. Based on your public statements I know that you’ll be shocked, shocked to learn that very quickly there was no bread available at the “fair price”. If you gave the owner of your local pistrina a bit of pecunia on the side you got your loaf, maybe even some fishes too. The Emperor was outraged. His solution was simple. If you made bread and sold it above the “fair price” you had your hands cut off. Since the bakers who sold bread at the “fair price” couldn’t make any bread and those who did could no longer knead the dough – you need hands to do so, remember? – we had the ideal modern American Liberal solution. Nobody gets any bread. Thus, the “equal sharing of miseries” portion of the Democratic Party permanent platform was kept 18 centuries ago. Some things are immune to the reliable flip-flop.

You say that oil companies must “drill all the land they control before leasing new Federal land”.

You were a registered lobbyist while you were a member of the Florida legislature. I can’t tell you what the rules, regs, and mores were for lobbying fellow legislators while the House was in session. I’m from Hudson County, New Jersey so nothing can surprise me about elected officials. Maybe you changed your tie; maybe you wore a mask. I can tell you something about the drilling business. I drilled wells in New York, Ohio, Wyoming, Texas, and New Mexico.

When you say, very stupidly because it is obvious that you know nothing about the subject being debated, about drilling on “all the acres”, you show ignorance worthy of Congressman Meek.

#1 – Federal leases, particularly those on dry land, require the driller to observe local acreage and spacing limitations. For example, one well every 30 acres. One well every 300 acres. No well within sight of another well even if the other well is not on my property. How many dry holes would I have to drill before I was relieved of the responsibility to stop drilling “all the acres”?
#2 – How would a “clean energy tax” and “investing in research for affordable energy” lower “gasoline prices at the pump in the near future”? Do you propose, a la Congressman Wasserman-Schultz, to send the coppers, replete with badges and guns, into the board rooms of domestic oil companies and make them lower the price?

One of your colleagues, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, suggested the nationalization of refineries. Who will run them? The Post Office? FEMA? The Department of Motor Vehicles? The screeners at the airport?

To a modern American Liberal results are irrelevant. What matters most is the effort. Maybe you can learn from Diocletian.

In the meantime there are three concrete things you can do.

#1 – Turn off the air conditioners in your office and your home.
#2 – You and every member of your staff must give up personal automobiles. Buses, bikes, kayaks, skateboards, wind driven Conestoga wagons, or riding on the back of a jackass. Scratch that. You belong on a horse. A big one. A very big one. Since you are the most recent example of a breed increasing in numbers in Florida – Elected Horses’ Asses - get your saddle as close to the horse’s ass as you can. Gorilla Glue the saddle to the horse and you to the saddle lest you ascend into an orbit filled with others who mainline “Balloon Juice”.
#3 – Since CO2 leads to Global Warming and drowning polar bears any reduction in CO2 is good. I want you to hold your breath for an hour each day.

Think of it as being for the children.