Senator B. Hussein Obama

July 2, 2008

Senator B. Hussein Obama
@Democratic National HQ
430 Capitol Street, SE
Washington, D.C 2003

RE: “Movin’ on up…”

Senator Bambi,

Do you remember the Eddie Murphy “Rich White Guys” sketch on Saturday Night Live? That was the one whose premise was that White Guys will do anything for other White Guys. If at all possible – read, no Black Guys around – they will do it for free.

Congratulations!

You are officially the first post racial Black White Guy.

It’s about you house in Chicago. That’s the one with 9 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, 12 fireplaces, an indoor pool, a 12 car garage, an indoor equestrian track, and, based on your sorry assed bowling performance in Bug Fug, Pennsylvania, an indoor bowling alley.

It’s the house you bought just after your wife got a $4,000 a week raise from the hospital she works for. That’s the same hospital you got a $1,000,000 earmark for. Some may question the timing of those transactions. Some may say it was a quid for the quo. Not me. I was born and raised in Bayonne, New Jersey. Bayonne is in the good part of Hudson County. Everybody knows that stuff like that happens all the time. Besides, the evidence is circumstantial. It’s like “when you find the trout in the milk”.

I know that you did some kind of a “Midnight Transfer” land swap with Rezko, your neighbor to comply with some silly assed zoning laws. To be more precise, that’s Rezko, your convicted felon neighbor. If you are a “stand up guy” you’ll be at his sentencing hearing. “Stand up guy”? Send a SASE.

Dean Acheson, the Secretary of State in a Democratic administration, said “I do not intend to turn my back on Alger Hiss”. Hiss was accused of treason involving the atomic bomb. Rezko was convicted of stealing the pennies off a dead man’s eyes.

Speaking of “change we can believe in” what’s up with Madeline Albright? She was also a Secretary of State in a Democratic administration. Since both are folliclely challenged [for those whose kids are not in public school that means bald] I can tell the difference between the two because Acheson has a moustache. She is carrying heavy water for you. The problem is that if you tell her to haul ass it will take her two trips.






Your mortgage, held by Northern Trust, is an example of your official “Welcome Wagon” gift bag when you got into the “Rich White Guys Club” as the first post racial member.

Simply put it saved you $300 a month on your payment. That’s $300 a month every month for the life of the loan.

Northern Trust, your lien holder, said they did it because doing business with you was seen a business opportunity for them.

Since neither your wife nor you have any practical, boots on the ground, knock on any door business experience, it may seem strange to you. After all, you spent 20 years in church not listening to Pastor Wrong Wright pee in America’s soup. Your other friends, Bomber Ayres and his charming wife, Bernadette the Butcher, lament like Jeremiah that they were not able to blow up more buildings.

How could you know of “business opportunities”?

Half the meals in America are paid for by people who want their guest to buy something from them.

Archer Daniels Midland bought an almost insolvent peanut farm in Georgia not because they wanted to be in that business but because the owner, ex-President Jimmy Carter, as public a “useful idiot” as ever existed, was available for the price of said meal. ADM, a public company, has a marker on an ex-President for considerably less than 30 pieces of silver.

Northern Trust bought an option, a long term leap as they are sometimes called, on you for $300 a month.

Maybe someday they’ll need an earmark.

Maybe someday, if you’re in the White House, the phone will ring at 3:00AM. Who says it has to be from the Israeli Prime Minister? Maybe it will be your bank. You’ll take their call. It’s what Rich White Guys do for each other, remember? It was a good move on their part.

In the meantime the $300 you don’t send to them every month you can send to Whole Foods for arugula.

Maybe you could use some of it for bowling lessons.

Maybe you could send $20 to Hillary. I would hate to see her working the truck stops on IS95 or the Bada Bing club to reduce her debt.

One of the first rules of the “Rich White Guys Club” was promulgated by Hinnissy the Bartender when he spoke reverentially of a local Chicago pol. “He seen his opportunities and he took’em.”

Seven years in Ivy League schools did not go to waste.