If you need plastic straws, I have them

June 23, 2018

If you need plastic straws, I have them

40 years ago, during the glorious Carter reign, I would exit the shower and open the bathroom window for my obligatory morning ritual. It was a paean to Gaia, the Earth Goddess. I would squirt a healthy dollop of Right Guard out at an unsuspecting ozone layer.

I kept my copy of The Population Bomb by distinguished Stanford Professor Paul Ehrlich. He was a frequent guest on the Johnny Carson Show. As America’s favorite climate Jeremiah, he posited his ca-ca theory that America would either freeze to death or starve to death with those gruesome fin du siècle things happening before halftime of the Rose Bowl 2000.

That was when Time Magazine was confidently telling us in a manner that only full throated modern American Liberal yardbirds and feather merchants can muster that Global Cooling would shortly do us in.

There was something in the Devil’s Brew in the Right Guard that screwed up the ozone layer or some such folderol. [How Global Cooling became Global Warming became Climate Change became Climate Destruction is a horse of a different color, worthy of inclusion in the great bullshit infused myths of years past. Think of all those dead witches in Salem and the tulip craze and Ponzi and wage and price controls and rent control as the first steps to prosperity with higher taxes and a higher minimum wage as the first steps to farting through silk, perpetually, and poisoned cranberries and Alared apples and Y 2000 panic.] There is a section of Queens’s County named Ozone Park given truth to the lie that New Yorkers don’t care.

The key here, the “unbarking dog”, is “40 years ago”.

The Polish Pope, the Iron Lady, and the Great Reagan sealed the fate of Clod Carter, the worst President of the 20^th Century and, not serendipitously, the guy in charge 40 years ago.

Yesterday it was 94 degrees F in Ft. Lauderdale and I am still calorically challenged. The stupid bastards who told us not buy any green bananas when Carter, a nuclear engineer by training who couldn’t get 3 helicopters in a row to work in the desert – When Napoleon promoted a field grade officer he expected them to be brilliant but he demanded that they be lucky – who told us that we would die of self-inflicted wounds, wounds that only ungrateful legatees of Western Civilization could inflict, before the next full moon, now tell us that plastic straws pose an existential threat to Patagonian Saw Tooth sea bass who, heretofore, were destined for the tables of the conspicuous consumers who populate Whole Foods.

To which I say, “Sounds like bullshit to me”.

Straws for Intra-Coastal launching leading to piscatorial and reptilian mayhem – not for DQ shakes – are available on a first come, first served basis.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – If you are conflicted by the horses’ asses – My father’s father, the holder of the first Black Seal operating engineer’s license granted in New Jersey, always marveled at the seemingly contradictory theorem that posited that there were more horses’ asses than horses’ heads which empirical evidence, save for an occasional Eye-Tie gangster movie, would demand that they always be in balance – who warble and croon about saving the whales, I suggest you spend some time with “Earth Day” on You-Tube featuring Professor George Carlin. Send a SASE and I’ll tell you how Colonel Drake saved the whales by drilling oil wells in Pennsylvania. Honest.

Some things are always owed to the ledger. It has been some time since I have highlighted 3 of my favorite broads of the 20^th century: Margaret Sanger, Margaret Mead, and Rachel Carson. Sanger was Hitler’s favorite American. He based his Nuremberg Race laws on her writings. Look it up. When Margaret Mead was born the doctor slapped her and then bludgeoned her parents. She was so ugly that even Helen Keller wouldn’t play with her. She had to go to Samoa to get a male to fiddle with her yoo-ha. Then she wrote a book about it that even Jerry Springer didn’t believe. It did influence a generation of Sociology majors though. Figures. And then we have Rachel Carson who has killed more people than Margaret Sanger has. She made it easy for rich White people to feel warm and fuzzy about themselves by banning DDT. Each year at least 2,000,000 sub-Saharan Black babies die from malaria. It is a disease that DDT almost knocked out. Look it up. Never underestimate the power of White chicks, particularly the smarmy ones.

There are several ways, one being politically metaphorical and one being Eye-Tie latent finocchioismo, that Trump could be fucked. But can anyone with even the tiniest fragment of a long decaying sense of the aesthete imagine any circumstances or conditions that anyone not under heavy drugs could say “Fuck Hillary”? Me neither.

It wouldn’t take but 2 or 3 passes from a wing of A-10 Warthogs using that big ass 30  millimeter canon to stem the tide of “Camp of the Saints” wanabees. If some of them got shot to shit on the Mexican side of the border….too bad. I’m still pissed of about the Alamo and Poncho Villa’s last visit to Columbus, New Mexico. Look it up. 

June 19, 2018 Senator Bernie Sanders

June 19, 2018

Senator Bernie Sanders

357 Western Ave #1B

St. Johnsbury, VT 05819

RE: “How long must we endure…?”

Senator Sanders,

I watched you in the Senate yesterday ranting about filthy lucre driven defense contractors and their obscenely overpaid, sons of Mammon, CEOs. Just now I saw on one of the hate filled Fox stations that Jeff Bezos, a man who gets up every morning trying to figure out how he can fuck Trump – fuck now fits quite comfortably into the envelope marked “civil discourse”, as defined by modern American Liberals, all of whom suffer from genetically irreversible “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. Think severed heads, blowing up the White House, and oval office incest – using the Washington Post, his Washington Post, as his personal cudgel.

I mention the Washington Post because the workers there, all of whom are doing the Lord’s work, are grossly underpaid. They demand, inter alia, a living wage. And, at the very least, corporate tuition vouchers because and despite having the highest per pupil expenditures in the known universe, the DC school system, other than small arms tactic and eternal opposition to the word “niggardly”, can’t challenge Herschel, Jr. or Chloe.

Concomitant with this is the newly revealed factoid that Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the History of the world, the universe, including the unknown parts, the places where Pioneer One won’t reach for another1000 millennia. A bit longer for Pioneer Two.

142 billion

or, put in terms that “deplorable, stupid pieces of shit” understand

$142,000,000,000

How about you arguing for 100% raises? How about free benefits? How about a free lunch? How about a free lunch for everybody? How about 24-hour access for Life Coaching, of course by Board Certified Life Coaches? [Full disclosure: I am a Board-Certified Life Coach so I am arguing for my rational self-interest.] How about a Valhalla of milk and honey, filled with vegan lions and still nervous sheep? How about a vineyard of balloon juice bushes? How about 40 acres of rainbow stew trees? How about we have the above run by the ohmadahns who run Cuba and Venezuela?

Go get it, big guy!  All the rump swab snow-flakes will love you even more

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

June 17, 2018 Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor The Sun Sentinel

June 17, 2018

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor

The Sun Sentinel

RE: As usual, a target rich environment

MS O,

Ah, the vagaries of age have taken me away from the lists for far too long! One particular mini Op-Ed and a tangentially related news story have had a Finnegan’s Wake – yesterday was Bloomsday, remember? – effect on me. I am returning to the arena, avenging sword in hand, “not to rust unburnished, but to shine in use”, in defense of truth, justice, and the ‘permanent things’.

The first piñata is Donna Fusco, the big and I mean big as in the legendary “really big salad” big, Boss lady, il ducerina, if you will, of the Broward Teachers’ Union. [There is something distinctly uneuphonic, jarring as in tinkling brass, about saying, even writing, Teachers and union in the same sentence. FDR was right when he said public employee unions were a Logical impossibility. Whom do they negotiate with? Themselves?] Before I unleash my trusty poleax on her let me pay her a backhanded compliment.

Do you remember Bobby Jones? 

It being the last day of the US Open it is both fitting and proper to use the game of golf as a metaphor for life. It’s been almost a century since he and 3 other shooting stars lighted up the sky of American sport. His athletic feats are still legendary but his life lessons grow more important.

He once emerged from a bocage-like rough to announce that having touched his ball, however inadvertently, he was penalizing himself one stroke. He was told that it did not improve his lie and that no one had seen it. He responded, somewhat Socratically, that just because a man walks past a bank and doesn’t rob it, he hasn’t earned a medal.

I compliment the steatyaganous Boss Lady Fusco – Rubenesque fails ot describe her properly – for breaking the mold of South Florida teacher union head thugs in that she is neither a paedophile nor is she a pick pocket, nor a no hot stove is safe, grifter. 

Alas, no medal for her and that is the extent of my magnanimity.

She mentions the Florida Retirement System and its “appointed managing trustees”, and by stretching the envelope of confusingly conflating correlation and causation, she says that they and Governor Scott, by owning stock in companies that make guns, had a hand in the Parkland shooting.

If it weren’t for tautologies modern American Liberals wouldn’t have to think at all.

I shan’t confuse all by invoking Logic, the capstone of the Trivium, but that, Ms Fusco’s description of culpability, is so colossally dumb that I am rendered almost speechless, with almost being the key word. 

Deo gracias for my recuperative abilities but I have a solution. Let’s stop appointing trustees and elect some real people. How about Warren Buffett for some needed gravitas? How about Kim Kardashian for some new age accounting? How about a crack whore from Liberty City as a nod to diversity? [And speaking of diversity, why aren’t there any women caddies, particularly at chicks only tournaments?

But the story goes on and on.

The Sentinel believes, profoundly and deeply, that any social problem – say education – can be solved by raising taxes. A child born of modern American Liberal parents will not receive a silver spoon. What goes inside the swaddling clothes and then into the crib is a recycled, biodegradable tax rate CD with the words “raise it” and “more” etched into it in an environmentally sensitive manner.

You have a news story about a referendum in Palm Beach County to raise taxes just a teeny-weeny bit to “fund” better education. 

Don’t think ill of me for asking but why will paying teachers who can’t teach Johnny to read more money make them better teachers? If you tell me that higher salaries will attract better teachers what should we do with the older ones who have failed to teach Johnny to read?

Here’s a plan.

Hold them to same high standards to which football coaches are held. Also, and this may be a vocabulary quiz but let us defenestrate at random with decimation as our template, every self-proclaimed educational administrator who can be found. Put that $ into a slush fund for superior teachers.

THE REAL WORLD PAYS ON RESULTS, NOT EFFORT.

Look it up.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

June 7, 2018 Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz

June 7, 2018

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz

1114 Longworth Office Building

9 Independence Avenue SE

Washington, DC 20515

RE: Funny thing about Logical Constructs. And since you claim to have 2 degrees from a major university the term “Logical Constructs” should not be alien to you. Buckle up, bitch. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Debbie, Debbie,

Did your husband beat you? When did he stop? I saw stories in 2 major outlets, both of which were written by modern American Liberals ink-stained turds - Let me add that both weren’t just run of the mill mALs but rather card carrying, fire breathing, Trump is the anti-Christ jihadists – that said Melania Trump faked an operation to give time for her facial wounds to recover from the beating her husband gave her.

I used the same dialectic that the two supra used. It led to the obvious question about your husband beating you.

Well, did he? And, more importantly, when did he stop? Say what you will about the MacBeths, at least she never got any knuckle sandwiches from him. Can you make the same claim?

Confidential sources, which by their very nature, must remain confidential, tell me there is a picture of you leaving your mikvah carrying Nancy Pelosi’s severed head. The original picture showed Hillary Clinton’s ginormous ass, the ass that inspired Kim Kardashian and boosted, exponentially, sales of industrial strength WD40 for ingress/egress purposes in case of an emergency dump. That picture would have been too heavy for you to carry so it was cropped. 

If Ivanka Trump is a “feckless cunt” what does that make you?

I understand that the Paki IT dude, the Jew hating one, the one you hired to work on the computers of 4 dozen Democratic Congressmen, is about to take a plea.

Does that make you a contemporary zonderkommado? Do your Congressional filings indicate that you learned how to do the above from George Soros? 

We are coming up to the anniversary of you sending 2 policemen, men with badges and guns, to my house over something I wrote.

If you do it again, be quick about it. My most recent cancer operation and follow-up procedures suggest that the time for me to see you in an orange jump suit being frog- marched to the pokey may be shortening. And since mALs share several traits in common, viz; #1 – no sense of humor and #2 – “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”- you would be about as funny as a rubber crutch.

“Free men speak with free tongues”

You go girl!

Kevin Smith

PS- Despite your oft-repeated claim of 2 degrees, and in Political Science no less, I just had a little bird, after an immunity deal, whisper in my ear that Trivium, as honorable a word as ever has existed, is both an alien word and a four-letter word to you. I used a rhetorical device known as tu quoque to make my point. Forgive me if I have condemned you to a difficult summer. I know and you may yet find out that “a little learning is a dangerous thing” And since any Pierian spring you jump into will be way over your head I suggest you exit your dog-eared Dr. Seuss collection cautiously. I did say it was going to be a bumpy ride, didn’t I?

June 3, 2018 Senator Gary Farmer

June 3, 2018

Senator Gary Farmer

111 E. Las Olas Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Numbers don’t lie but liars can count. Some comments on your mini Op-Ed on the sometimes sanctity of the will of the people in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Senator Farmer,

 

First, let me congratulate you for not shouting out like a half-assed Jeremiah that hurricanes are about to happen because June is here. And since this is usually accompanied by shouts of “Trump did it, the rat bastard”, you are to be doubly congratulated.

But that’s not why I write.

If, as you say in an achingly predictable modern American Liberal fashion, that when the populi vox – 71% in favor of Maryjane [that used to be a street name for marijuana] – that the matter is closed a la ex cathedra, why isn’t the same weight given to the 62% vote against same sex marriage?

71 for versus 62 against…. but that’s not how modern American Liberals think, is it?

Coach Bowden was wrong to let you pass block all those years without a helmet.

Kevin Smith

June 3, 2018 Fred Grimm The Sun Sentinel

June 3, 2018

Fred Grimm 

The Sun Sentinel

RE: One man, one vote, sometimes – A comment or two in passing on your anatomically untenable [your head usually doesn’t belong up your ass] column in today’s Sun Sentinel about the horror, the horror of politicians doing, y’know what I’m saying, political things.

Mr. Grimm,

Any time an ink-stained modern American Liberal wretch uses the words “inarguable” and “existential” in the first few sentences about how rich White guys, living and/or dead – and that’s what it is always and forever about, right? – get to screw the planet and piss upstream from those perpetually “unlucky in life’s lottery”, I know I’m in for a special treat.

One of the great accomplishments of my young life was when I learned how to spell and pronounce the name Ptolemy. 

He was the first paradigm of “settled science”, remember? For 15 centuries, 1,500 years, a friggin’ millennium and a half, the books were closed on where the earth, the moon, the sun, and all those things floating around out there stood in relation to one and another. Then, voila, along comes a Pole and an Eye-Tie and all that science, the stuff that had been “settled” for so long, became “unsettled”.

That this happened for me around the same time that another “settled” scientific fact, the Steady State theory, became “unsettled”.

I see one and only one truly “existential” threat to civilization. It is not feral WOGS, screaming Allah Akbar and killing non-Muslims – they have been doing that for almost 15 centuries – it is, rather, when fargin’ arseholes see and proclaim the threat of bad haircuts, traffic jams, the lack of affordable housing, Johnny and Juanita still not being able to read, and being overserved in a saloon, as an “existential threat”.

You say it is not only wrong but it is “existentially” wrong for Delaware to have the same number of Senators as Florida.

Logic would dictate that as that problem is addressed the nagging question of the electoral college will be dealt with, right?

It is an inconvenient truth that Alcee Hastings, Corinne Brown, Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee and B. Hussein Obama would never have found indoor work with no heavy lifting if rich White guys did not make deals with 3^rd world firebrands in precisely the way that Madison, Jay, and Hamilton envisioned.

I may be going too fast for you so I will type more slowly. Plus, you may want to send a SASE.

White farmers whose asses were welded to state senate seats carved out districts that would have elected O.J. Simpson, Step-n-Fetchit, or Willie Horton. Good or bad, that’s what passed for progress a few decades ago, remember?

You say “conservative values trump [italics mine] progressive values embraced by New York and California”.

One of the hallmarks of existentialism is the acceptance of empirical data even if they are inconveniently and unacceptably antithetical to long held beliefs. Sort of like “settled science” becoming unsettled.

Pray tell but why if life is so good in “progressive states” like New York and California - toss in New Jersey and Illinois also - why are people leaving like the Grim Reaper is chasing them? 

The 20^th century’s most successful community activist, V.I. Lenin, said “People vote with their feet”.

They sure as Hell ain’t moving to Sweden.

They are going to Texas and Florida. They are going to places where “deplorables” are welcomed and made to feel comfortable.

I can see how this would give you an existential itch. Before you get to Sartre I suggest an investment in Epictetus.

Does gin help you get through the day? I imagine it must be maddening to live where “Midnight Basketball” is an object of scorn, where bullying will soon be legal, and where manatees still can’t vote.

Maybe there is something to this “existential threat” business after all.

Kevin Smith

PS – Lessen the burden of modern American Liberal guilt. Take a peek at George Carlin on You Tube discussing Earth Day. And yes, Philosophy was one of my 3 minors in college.