If you need plastic straws, I have them

June 23, 2018

If you need plastic straws, I have them

40 years ago, during the glorious Carter reign, I would exit the shower and open the bathroom window for my obligatory morning ritual. It was a paean to Gaia, the Earth Goddess. I would squirt a healthy dollop of Right Guard out at an unsuspecting ozone layer.

I kept my copy of The Population Bomb by distinguished Stanford Professor Paul Ehrlich. He was a frequent guest on the Johnny Carson Show. As America’s favorite climate Jeremiah, he posited his ca-ca theory that America would either freeze to death or starve to death with those gruesome fin du siècle things happening before halftime of the Rose Bowl 2000.

That was when Time Magazine was confidently telling us in a manner that only full throated modern American Liberal yardbirds and feather merchants can muster that Global Cooling would shortly do us in.

There was something in the Devil’s Brew in the Right Guard that screwed up the ozone layer or some such folderol. [How Global Cooling became Global Warming became Climate Change became Climate Destruction is a horse of a different color, worthy of inclusion in the great bullshit infused myths of years past. Think of all those dead witches in Salem and the tulip craze and Ponzi and wage and price controls and rent control as the first steps to prosperity with higher taxes and a higher minimum wage as the first steps to farting through silk, perpetually, and poisoned cranberries and Alared apples and Y 2000 panic.] There is a section of Queens’s County named Ozone Park given truth to the lie that New Yorkers don’t care.

The key here, the “unbarking dog”, is “40 years ago”.

The Polish Pope, the Iron Lady, and the Great Reagan sealed the fate of Clod Carter, the worst President of the 20^th Century and, not serendipitously, the guy in charge 40 years ago.

Yesterday it was 94 degrees F in Ft. Lauderdale and I am still calorically challenged. The stupid bastards who told us not buy any green bananas when Carter, a nuclear engineer by training who couldn’t get 3 helicopters in a row to work in the desert – When Napoleon promoted a field grade officer he expected them to be brilliant but he demanded that they be lucky – who told us that we would die of self-inflicted wounds, wounds that only ungrateful legatees of Western Civilization could inflict, before the next full moon, now tell us that plastic straws pose an existential threat to Patagonian Saw Tooth sea bass who, heretofore, were destined for the tables of the conspicuous consumers who populate Whole Foods.

To which I say, “Sounds like bullshit to me”.

Straws for Intra-Coastal launching leading to piscatorial and reptilian mayhem – not for DQ shakes – are available on a first come, first served basis.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – If you are conflicted by the horses’ asses – My father’s father, the holder of the first Black Seal operating engineer’s license granted in New Jersey, always marveled at the seemingly contradictory theorem that posited that there were more horses’ asses than horses’ heads which empirical evidence, save for an occasional Eye-Tie gangster movie, would demand that they always be in balance – who warble and croon about saving the whales, I suggest you spend some time with “Earth Day” on You-Tube featuring Professor George Carlin. Send a SASE and I’ll tell you how Colonel Drake saved the whales by drilling oil wells in Pennsylvania. Honest.

Some things are always owed to the ledger. It has been some time since I have highlighted 3 of my favorite broads of the 20^th century: Margaret Sanger, Margaret Mead, and Rachel Carson. Sanger was Hitler’s favorite American. He based his Nuremberg Race laws on her writings. Look it up. When Margaret Mead was born the doctor slapped her and then bludgeoned her parents. She was so ugly that even Helen Keller wouldn’t play with her. She had to go to Samoa to get a male to fiddle with her yoo-ha. Then she wrote a book about it that even Jerry Springer didn’t believe. It did influence a generation of Sociology majors though. Figures. And then we have Rachel Carson who has killed more people than Margaret Sanger has. She made it easy for rich White people to feel warm and fuzzy about themselves by banning DDT. Each year at least 2,000,000 sub-Saharan Black babies die from malaria. It is a disease that DDT almost knocked out. Look it up. Never underestimate the power of White chicks, particularly the smarmy ones.

There are several ways, one being politically metaphorical and one being Eye-Tie latent finocchioismo, that Trump could be fucked. But can anyone with even the tiniest fragment of a long decaying sense of the aesthete imagine any circumstances or conditions that anyone not under heavy drugs could say “Fuck Hillary”? Me neither.

It wouldn’t take but 2 or 3 passes from a wing of A-10 Warthogs using that big ass 30  millimeter canon to stem the tide of “Camp of the Saints” wanabees. If some of them got shot to shit on the Mexican side of the border….too bad. I’m still pissed of about the Alamo and Poncho Villa’s last visit to Columbus, New Mexico. Look it up.