Sunday, August 30, 2009

John Mackey – Big Boss Man Whole Foods

August 27, 2009

John Mackey – Big Boss Man
Whole Foods
550 Bowie Street
Austin, TX 78703-4644

RE: A window closes; a window opens. I’m back as a customer!

Mr. Mackey,

Other than the threat of alien abduction or the sudden appearance of a 5th gospel the thing that most concerns me is polar bear drownings. The more polar bears that drown the fewer the options that the Lord Barack the Beneficent and blessed be his name has with his marvelous idea of Federalized “death panels”. The Inuits used to float the Arctic geezers out on an ice floe so as to lessen the burden on their “public option” last year medical expenses. And to think that we tried to bring civilization to them!

I see where your op-ed on health care has drawn the wrath of the loony nit-wits who shop at your stores. Before this week the last time I was in one of your stores was at the height of the Chilean Sea Bass controversy. I would lurk by the fish section trolling for boobs who, with the slightest nudge, would be members of the Flat Earth Society. In the ‘60s these ninnies boycotted lettuce and Gallo wine because it made them feel warm and fuzzy. I would ask them if we should boycott Patagonian Saw Tooths also because “one man’s Mede is another man’s Persian”. I used to get looks that would suggest that we were a bit too hasty doing away with literacy tests for suffrage.

I enclose a copy of my purchase at your store in Fort Lauderdale. It was for Sarabeth Strawberry Rhubarb jam. I asked the cashier if I could have a plastic bag. I did not get one.

If sales in your store in Fort Lauderdale have fallen off I have a plan that could be symbiotic. I am starting a Be Pals with Pete the Python PAC. I am starting a 501 [C] [3] to grab some loot. Just like Acorn.

Pythons in Florida have gotten a bad rap.

It’s time to stand up and be counted for constrictors. Florida amended its constitution to protect pregnant pigs. We have fund raisers for aging greyhounds. Manatee suffrage is but a few election cycles away.

I’m sure a Python adoption pen in your store here would be big hit. In keeping with your company history you could have organically raised rats as chow for the kiddies. That’s the wee snakes. Not the wee bi-peds.

Don’t poo-poo python wee-weers here. We are small but growing force.

I have but one other question.

You feature organic produce.

How about inorganic produce?

I favor long strand polymers so the place to start may be with mangos.

I have to go now.

The bell on my manatee trap just went off.


Kevin Smith



PS – From one of my favorite authors: “Focus on the absurd lest reality drive you mad.”

Scott Wyman The Sun-Sentinel & the Miami Herald

August 28, 2009

Scott Wyman
The Sun-Sentinel & the Miami Herald
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: I don’t know anything about art but I know what I like – Some comments on your story on publicly funded art in both the Sun-Sentinel and the Miami Herald this day.

Mr. Wyman,

Assuming that the rules of “de gustibus” still apply we can never answer the question “What is Art?”

I know that I know the difference between Corelli, Chiaroscuro, and Caravaggio. Knowing that the question of county mandated, tax payer paid art – Could we call it a “public option”? – it becomes a question of not “good”, not “bad”, but rather “why”.

At some point in the selection process a faceless bureaucrat, someone who began his business career in the Post Office, someone who mixes plaids and stripes, will chooses between an updated version of “The Winged Victory of Samothrace” and a fresh interpretation of “Nude Descending a Staircase”. Incidentally, this apparatchik has a future as the assistant deputy vice Czar of the soon to be installed Death Panels. Why doesn’t the County commission a mural about them based on “Guernica”?

Speaking of art being shown at public buildings how about an exhibit of the cartoons caricaturing the prophet Mohammed, blessed be his name? I don’t much care if the towel headed louts burn down the only bathroom in Kafiristan in the name of religious freedom. It will be their loss, not ours.

Perhaps Broward County could sponsor some seminars on Dante’s La Commedia. For 8 centuries the art reflecting his poem has stirred passionate feelings. Isn’t art supposed to provoke?

If we allow the selection of art on and for public buildings to be ruled by quotidian politics don’t we run the risk of starting on an irreversible slide down the “slippery slope” leading to the horrors of landing in the terrible world of “chilling effects”?

Hitler and Stalin were big believers in public art. Their legacy is exactly what?

Meanwhile, property values are falling, taxes are rising, and supposedly rational adults are talking about 2% of a building contract being given over to art?

“I’ll retire to Bedlam.”


Kevin Smith


PS – Did you know that Jackson Pollack studied under Thomas Hart Benton? The teacher said that while the student had a good sense of color he had no sense of form.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Robin Givhan The Washington Post

August 22, 2009

Robin Givhan
The Washington Post
1150 15th Street NW
Washington, DC 20071

RE: Shorts, short selling and other things – Some comments on your article in the Washington Post.

Ms. Givhan,

I think you may fit the template for this month’s “wretched un-idea’d girl”.

Since you know nothing about short selling, its function in the marketplace, and by inference, anything about any market, your comments on the attire of the wife of Lord Barack the Beneficent and blessed be his name are shrouded in doubt. For all I know you may want her to wear them upside down, inside out, and backwards.

Further on you say

“Unlike the President, whose entire life, down to his
medical history, is available for public scrutiny…”

If that is the case the quickest way to stop the “birthers” from befouling the political atmosphere is for him to release his birth certificate.

Unlike the 35% of Americans who believe that the United States engineered 9/11 the “birthers” are a pox and a plague on the common weal. Soon the smoking gun behind the Bush decision to invade Iraq to secure a family owned gas pipeline across Kafiristan will be found. Such is the power of these “birthers” they have Nancy Pelosi seeing Nazis everywhere. Even the Chicago Hack Alumni Club, currently in residence at the White House, was so unnerved by them that it decided to “push back twice as hard”.

All he has to do is release his birth certificate and the voice of the turtle will be heard in the land. Health care will pass in 2 to 3 days. A “wise Latina” will be followed by a “wise Uighur” who will be followed by a “wise Jovian”. Lambs will volunteer to lie down with lions. Single mothers, all women of color with children in need of a good Ritalin program who are too far away from the joys of Midnight Basketball, will find themselves farting through silk.

All this, and more, much more will happen as soon as he opens the wax sealed envelope that says “Birth Certificate – Do Not Open”.

Was it Justice Stewart who said that while he couldn’t define obscenity he knew it when he saw it?

The evidence of my own eyes suggests that if BO’s wife wears Saint John Knits the skirt is going to be 2 sizes bigger than the top.

Maybe she could get some stretch pants from Madeline Albright or Janet Reno. Hillary Clinton will be going to a bigger size soon so there may be some bargains there.

Maybe she is too “proud” to forget her roots.

Cut her some slack[s].





Kevin Smith

Frida Ghitis The Miami Herald

August 22, 2009

Frida Ghitis
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “We’ve Got the Rest of the World Baffled” – If you think baffledom is only found across the pond read on. A light comment on your article in today’s Miami Herald on how bad Americans are.

Ms. Ghitis,

First, do you have an uncle or a cousin whose name is Jake Ghitis?

All of my ancestors, as did my wife’s, came from Europe.

The first one to go back was my wife’s father. He was a surgeon stationed on an American warship some 8,000 yards off the coast of Normandy on June 6, 1944. On the threat board that morning was a notice to keep a special watch for underwater swimmers who would attach mines to the keel and hulls of Allied vessels. The man in charge of this, a man who worked for Hitler, was Jacques Cousteau. Yup. Him. The more he told Americans how bad they were the more we loved him. The more he told us how evil we were to use plastic the more money we gave him. Ay! Calypso!

If you think Europe is “baffled” by what we do please remember that we are “baffled” by what we do.

Coco Chanel spent most of the war doing the horizontal tango with the German General Staff. Americans still buy her perfume. It’s baffling, isn’t it?

You say that every time you go into a pharmacy in Amsterdam you feel like a pair of brown shoes at a white tie ball. You reach into your wallet for some cash to pay for a prescription and the noble Dutchies say, “Tsk, tsk. She must be an American”. I know them to be an industrious people. They tossed back the sea. They gave us Rembrandt. They have fresh tulips all year long. Tell me, please, since no one pays for prescriptions there how do those drugs get into the pharmacy?

Do they have hot house plants that have monthly crops of Taxol or Carboplatin? If they do could you get some for my wife the next time you go?

I’m sorry your Canadian friend doesn’t like Rush Limbaugh. One way they can register their protest is by boycotting American hospitals. Since I live in South Florida I tell you that the Northern borders should be more secure. Les merdes du Quebec should be banned lest they be infected by Limbaugh. The Ugly American has been replaced by the God awful Quebecois. Bring back keelhauling. If you liked waterboarding you’ll love that.

Do you think we should have a speech code based on the one in Canada or the one that the European Union has?

If the rest of the world has “gained access to good medical care” why is the fastest growing section of the American medical system the one that caters to foreigners who pay cash for our services? I have a friend whose job is to arrange for foreigners to be admitted to hospitals here. Buy soaking rich foreigners she has paid for the care of countless poor people. As the dollar declines it will be come more attractive for them to come here. Perhaps we should raise hospital prices for them to offset the costs to Americans.

You say that “eyes popped and jaws dropped at the sight of Hitler mustaches painted on Obama’s face as protestors suggested the plan would bring Nazi medicine to America”. It is owed to the ledger to remind you that a lot of Nazi medicine, particularly the parts about “culling the herd”, was based on the writings of Margaret Sanger. You knew that, didn’t you?

You say “the healthcare debate has become cartoonish”. You cite, as an example, someone asking Barney Frank why he “supports a Nazi plan”. Was it cartoonish when President Bush was regularly compared to Hitler? Was it cartoonish when the New York Times called Abraham Lincoln a “baboon”? What John Adams and Thomas Jefferson said about each other would not be fit for prime time TV. Was that “cartoonish”?

It is a tradition in America, a “gift from beyond the stars”, that “free men speak with free tongues”. It never took root in continental Europe as a constantly self-renewing right. Mussolini, Stalin, and Hitler never spent any time in Iowa.

I suggest that before you go into a European drug store and expose yourself to the ridicule of snot nosed Europeans, all of whom would be speaking German if it weren’t for my wife’s father and 10,000,000 like him, you visit an American military cemetery. They’re all over Europe.

Extreme “baffledom”, a disease common to modern American Liberals, is difficult to overcome. Stay there until you have recovered.





Kevin Smith

Friday, August 21, 2009

Aiayana Baida The Sun-Sentinel

August 21, 2009

Aiayana Baida
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33316

RE: “Free” buses, senior citizens, and a “teachable moment” – As compiled by you in this morning’s Sun-Sentinel.

Ms. Baida,

Indeed life is tough, particularly as you point out, for senior citizens with cancer and arthritis. And soon, no more free buses.

The people in your story will lose their free door-to-door bus service on October 1 How this can happen in Broward County, a bastion of modern American Liberalism, is beyond me. The picture shows senior citizens, women of color, who are disabled. How many times doe the bell have to be rung on the victim scale before we answer?

We have constitutional protection for pigs, manatees will shortly have the vote, and we leave these people to fend for themselves?

Does the Lord Barack the Beneficent, and blessed be his name, know about this?

Surely some Stimulus swag can be found to keep the bus service running and free.

Maybe some wealthy car dealers can forgo some of their Cash for Clunkers loot to help these victims of life’s circumstances. Those who are lucky in life’s lottery owe it to the undeserving poor to lighten their load, to ease their burden.

I read this morning where the President said that the country was getting “wee-weed up” because it’s August.

Then I saw that you provided, unwittingly, the “teachable moment” when you wrote the following:

Without it, he said
“We would be in our homes
getting sicker and dying.”

I never poo-poo wee-weeing.

In my quest to uncover its etymology I stumbled on Dickens.




“Would not they, and we, be better off it they were to die?
By dying they decrease the surplus population.”

Social Security and Medicare are broke.

While we breathlessly await the “Rainbow Stew” of health care reform – It is well to remember the last time two lawyers from the Yale tried to reform health care. This time it’s Harvard. Thank God for the Ivy League. Some things never change! – there are some concrete things we can do.

Senior Citizen 12 volt battery juggling
Senior Citizen foodless weekends
Senior Citizen python wrestling
Senior Citizen power lifting
Senior Citizen volley ball
Senior Citizen stuphfing

Who needs death panels?

Good for the local budget. Great for the Federal budget. Wonderful for the environment. Get them all on skateboards. The carbon footprint goes to zero.

The next generation will thank us.

Don’t you love it when a plan comes together?

I do. And I owe it all to you.




Kevin Smith

Ray LaHood – Secretary Department of Transportation

August 22, 2009

Ray LaHood – Secretary
Department of Transportation
1200 New Jersey Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20590

Mr. Secretary,

Wimpy, Popeye’s perpetually needy friend, used to say, “I will pay you on Thursday for a hamburger I eat on Monday.”

After I heard you say, “Don’t worry. You’ll get your money”, I did some homework on your background.

There are some simple facts that are known to people who didn’t use the word “create” when they hired somebody. Once you have met a payroll or gone to the mat with a supplier or a customer or arm wrestled with a bank you know them. First and foremost is, and it should be obvious, is that a dollar on Monday is worth more than a dollar you might get on Thursday.

As far as I can tell from your published C.V. you have been a public servant all your life. Put differently, you latched on to the nearest lactating mammary you saw after you went to college and have never left it.

I owned a piece of a travel agency 25 years ago. The slowest paying customer was Marriott. I got to J. Willard Marriott’s secretary. “Why do you expect me to finance the Marriott Corporation?” was my oft asked but never answered question.

I listened to you say “Don’t worry. You’ll get your money.”

I can tell you that there are 1,000 car dealers out there who, believing what their government told them, acted as if a promise made, particularly by their government, would be a promise kept.

These people are adults. They knowingly took the risk of being stiffed by their own government. Whom can you believe if you can’t believe your own government?

This is the same government that is participating in an $11,000,000,000 loan for off shore drilling. Don’t worry about the Gulf of Mexico being polluted. The drilling will be off the coast of Brazil. Big Oil may be drilling there but they won’t own it so there will be no big tax paydays for the IRS. The borrower is Brazil. The government of Brazil? Why did we borrow money from the Chinese to lend it to Brazil?



Now the cash for clunkers is ending with no more than 5% of the moneys fronted by car dealers for the government being repaid.

The evidence of my own eyes suggests that if the United States government cannot manage a program whose sole function is to give away free money how in the name of reason can we expect them to manage health care?

God’s Holy Trousers but if you put them in charge of the desert in 6 months they’d be importing sand.

It’s too late now but why did you insist that the “clunkers” be destroyed? We should have sent a few boat loads of them to Cuba. Considering what mechanics there have done to keep 50 year old cars running they would have had a dozen of them in NASCAR next year.

You were a school teacher after college.

The most important thing then was to get tenure.

Nothing has changed.

Make sure you get my name on the White House “fishy” list.



Kevin Smith



PS – Was that your uncle in the Clint Eastwood movie?

Secretary Kathleen Sebelius Department of Health and Human Services

August 20, 2009

Secretary Kathleen Sebelius
Department of Health and Human Services
200 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington, D.C. 20201

Madam Secretary,

Both you and the President have said that you “want to keep the insurance companies honest”.

He’s got quite a bit on his plate what with trying to find where those states past 50 are and brushing up on his Austrian should he find himself in Vienna. That’s why I’m telling you about a simple way “to keep the insurance companies honest”.

Your C.V. says that you were the insurance commissioner of Kansas for 8 years. The majority of the companies you regulated were public stock companies. They had to sign annual reports and 10Ks. Read them. If you see something you don’t think is honest get the Justice Department to go after them for fraud both civil and criminal. Get them thinking about perjury. Nothing gets your attention like a Federal subpoena. You better hurry before Congress gets all of them under oath. There’s no telling what those louts will do.

Does your department have a 10K? If they co can you send me a copy? Failing that can you get me on the White House “fishy” list?

Danke for your anticipated cooperation. As your boss would say, if he could, auf weidershein.


Kevin Smith

Robert Gibbs – Press Secretary The White House

August 20, 2009

Robert Gibbs – Press Secretary
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 205000

Mr. Gibbs,

Congratulations!

You have done something that I thought was undoable.

You have made everybody miss Scott McCllelan.

Is it too late for you to put me on the official White House “fishy” list?



Kevin Smith



PS – Don’t let anybody talk you out of wearing those glasses. I love them!

Leonard Pitts The Miami Herald

August 19, 2009

Leonard Pitts
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “We Need a History Lesson About Nazis”- An interesting column in today’s Miami Herald, a column for which you get an incomplete grade.

Mr. Pitts,

A review of atrocities in the 20th century does not begin and end with Hitler. Alas, for modern American Liberals there is no evil other than him.

The Turks and the Armenians made for some interesting headlines 90 years ago, remember?

Stalin, Hitler’s model, killed between 6,000,000 and 8,000,000 Kulaks in the early ‘30s. No ovens; he starved them to death. Hitler noticed that the West did nothing. Further, they leaped to embrace him. Walter Duranty, the New York Times correspondent in Moscow, actually reported that obesity was a problem in the Ukraine. For this he won a Pulitzer Prize. Shortly thereafter the United States recognized the Soviet Union.

No wonder Hitler thought he had a pass.

It is good to point out that Hitler partly based his 1934 Nuremberg Race Laws on the writings of Margaret Sanger. She was and is a heroine to modern American Liberals. They get through the days filled with cognitive dissonance by use of the magic formula of “eclectic indignation”.

If killing 6,000,000 people made Hitler evil what will the real number do to you?

Leaving the war dead out he killed 12,000,000 to 13,000,000 people, 6,000,000 of whom were Jews.

If Hitler was evil what word fits Mao of China?

The AFL/CIO said that he killed between 40,000,000 and 60,000,000 people. The Chinese were not as statistically precise as the Germans. Still, respect is due to the Beijing Butcher. That’s a lot of bodies.






Some 2,000,000 Hindus and Moslems killed each other in 1948. The Hindus in Pakistan were trying to get back to India while the Moslems in India were hot footing it to Pakistan before the partition was complete. What ever the British did when they ran the place never included that.

Special mention must be given to Pol Pot of Cambodia. Although he only killed 2,000,000 of his countrymen it was 1/3rd of the total population.

Who remembers the Ibos of Nigeria? Idi Amin? Darfur?

Although the intramural dustup between the Hutus and Tutsis accounted for only 800,000 to 1,000,000 deaths it must be noted that they were armed solely with machetes.

Evil is as real as your boot.

No one has a monopoly on it.

T.S. Eliot, a Nobel Prize winner, wrote
“The world turns and the world changes,
But one thing does not change.
In all of my years, one thing does not change:
The perpetual struggle of Good and Evil.”

Solzhenitsyn, another Nobel Prize winner, a man who fought Hitler and was jailed by Stalin, said when he left the Gulag, “All this happened when man turned away from God”.

Tell me, please, how many columns you wrote when Bush was compared to Hitler.

Wasn’t it Mrs. Pelosi who threw the first stone? Does she should bear some blame?


Kevin Smith

Eugene Robinson The Washington Post

August 18, 2009

Eugene Robinson
The Washington Post
1150 15th Street NW
Washington, D.C. 20071

Washington, D.C.

RE: “Process Has Been Hijacked” – Your thoughts on the horror, the horror of free men debating and deciding questions about their future in this morning’s Miami Herald. I prefer to call your never ending Jeremiads, like STDs, “the gift that keeps on giving”.

Mr. Robinson,

Lest I ignore other targets of convenience on health care, the budget, the world wide apology tour, and the geography lessons of Lord Barack the Beneficent, and blessed be his name, I was going to limit my ripostes to you. I mean how much fun can it be shooting fish in a barrel or clubbing baby seals? I figured I had enough piñatas to last me through Labor Day.

Then I read the following this morning.

“Giving up the public option might be expedient.
But we didn’t elect Obama to be an expedient President.
We elected him to be a great President.”
The Miami Herald
Page 11A
Today
You

Which President, with the possible exceptions of the two Jimmies, Buchanan and Carter, did we elect NOT to be a “great President”?

In Rhetoric it’s called denying the major premise.

What do they call “non-malodorous fecal matter” in the Oval Office? Business as usual? More importantly, what do the prostrating acolytes of the chattering classes call it when his shadow falls on them when He passes?





Your expectations, like all card carrying members of the modern American Liberal cabal, never allow reality, facts, experience, History, or an innate sense of right and wrong to interfere with your pronouncements ex cathedra.

It’s been some time since the election. My memory is fading.

How many of the 57 or 58 states did the proud alumnus of the Cook County School of Political Thuggery carry? I can’t find an English-Austrian dictionary. Is Austrian a quasi-Romance language?

After Mrs. O got a $4,000 a week raise – that’s four thousand dollars – her husband got an earmark for her employer for $1,000,000. When she moved to Washington her employer never filled her vacant job slot. Maybe they could use some Stimulus swag. Michelle set the bar very high. For every dollar of salary increase she got her husband paid it back 5 times. Coincidence? Sure. Like when they “find a trout in the milk”.

I mention the above because water seeks its own level. Despite 2 Ivy League degrees, excuse me, 4 Ivy League degrees maybe they aren’t too bright. Slick, sly, cunning, ruthless, absolutely. Bright? The jury is still out.

President B.O. is surrounded by Chicago hacks who know one thing. “Push back twice as hard” may be good street smarts. I search the Federalist Papers in vain to find any reference to it. Hamilton may have been a bit of a hard case but Madison never was.

I remember Mayor Daley the First screaming “Fuck you” at Senator Ribicoff during the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. The Chicago police then “pushed back twice as hard”, didn’t they?

Now we have Rahm Emanuel, as foul mouthed a goniff as has ever been in the White House, cracking knuckles, not all of which are his own, trying to figure out some way to get the Chicago police to keep order at the Town Hall meetings.

This crew is starting to make John Edwards and Denis Kucinich look good. Everybody knew that those two couldn’t find their asses using both hands. An abundance of “non-malodorous fecal matter” at the White House seems to be the result of supping with the Gods. “Non-malodorous fecal matter”? Send a SASE.






Perhaps greatness will be thrust upon in Afghanistan. Perhaps not.

Can you tell me why a toe-tagged GI in Baghdad was a cause for national outrage from modern American Liberals while a toe-tagged GI in Kandahar is treated with an indifference bordering on cynicism by the same self appointed guardians of what is good and what is bad?

You say that he wants to “revolutionize education”. I had hoped that the first change he would bring to education would be sending both his daughters to any of the really fine Washington, D.C. They’re good enough for all the other residents of Public housing there. Why not him?

Considering David Axelrod’s deal with the drug companies can we expect Governor Rod Blago to be made the Czar of Public Sleaze?


Kevin Smith

Carl Hiaasen The Miami Herald

August 17, 2009

Carl Hiaasen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: How much did you say it was going to cost? Why your column of July 5, 2009 needs some upgrades.

Mr. Hiaasen,

The delay in responding was caused by my futile quest to find the missing 7 or maybe 8 states that the Lord Barack the Beneficent, and blessed be his name, told the country about some time ago. They were like the horizon; always there and always not there. I thought I almost had them in sight but then I remembered that the solution to the hated Bush deficits was to quadruple them. Actually I had come upon some lotus eaters. Their chant was deafening.

“In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul.”

And everything old is new again.

There is a cloud on the horizon no bigger than a man’s fist. Where is Cindy Sheehan and her hecate-like outbursts on Afghanistan? Why are toe tagged GIs coming home from Kandahar different from those who came home from Tikrit?

Is that a whiff of Jimmy Carter I smell?

But enough of that.

You say that the baseball stadium soon to be built in Miami for the Marlins will cost $634,000,000. From your lips to God’s ears that it could be so! If $634,000,000 got you upset I can only imagine what the real cost will do to you.

I must confess that I have voted against every bond issue, regardless of the purpose, since 1990. This includes New Jersey and Florida. One year I managed to do it in 2 states.

The reason is simple.

The lender is obligated by Federal law to tell you how much the loan will cost you. No bond issue ever has. Thus, the no lever is pulled.




Florida will borrow $634,000,000 from some fat cat insurance companies, from some predatory banks, and from some pension plans – both public and private. Maybe if Secretary of State Clinton who, after years of comparing the Chinese to Cataline when she was in the Senate, couldn’t wait to get her ample ass over to Beijing to give those old Gomers a diplomatic lap dance to get them to continue buying our Treasury obligations, can get the Yellow Peril Bank to buy some of the issue.

I really should cut her some slack.

She’s sitting in darkest Africa, “feeling fat” as her really good friend Tina Brown said, dressed like Mrs. Barney, when some snot nose kid asks her about her husband. And for this she shaved her legs?

Anyway, when the bonds are paid off the total tab will be $1, 585,000,000.

Maybe the stadium can be used in off season for Midnight Basketball.

A few more turns at the plate like B. O. has been having and the geezers will be lining up to be interviewed by the notorious Death Panels.



Kevin Smith

Monday, August 17, 2009

August 16, 2009

Leonard Cope, M.D.
5599 North Dixie Highway
Oakland Park, Florida 33334

RE: To Hell with the stock market. I just struck the mother lode!

Doctor Cope,

I am the good looking guy with the beard whose hip you replaced last November 11th. I featured it on my Christmas card. I have a modest proposal that may be of mutual interest.

Our President, the Lord Barack the Beneficent and blessed be his name, told us that surgeons get $50,000 per amputation. Since all my capital is tied up in debt I have come up with a plan.

Forget about my left hip. I still have a right hip, two knees, two ankles, ten toes, two shoulders, two elbows, two wrists, and ten fingers. I also have any number of good organs and several underperforming ones. I am well into the back nine of life.

Can you see where I’m going here?

There is a great story about a three legged pig. When asked why he has three legs the farmer replied, “He’s too good a pig to eat all at once.”

How about a reverse mortgage arrangement on my remaining bones? I’m from Hudson County, New Jersey. I am probably more familiar with the “white envelope” culture than you are. I’ll run the books.

Do you make house calls?

I’m going to try to get some Stimulus loot for this.

Can I count you in?





Kevin Smith

Steven L. Goldstein The Sun-Sentinel

August 14, 2009

Steven L. Goldstein
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Health Care

My dear Professor,

“Every health care professional with whom I’ve spoken
has said that universal health care is the answer.”
Today
Page 19A
You

“We are in the mess we are in because of the private sector.”
Today
Page 19A
You

The second quote is a bit tautological but that is not why I write.

Today’s teachable moment comes from combining both quotes from your bi-weekly screed.

On July 3rd I mailed a check to a company in Texas. The envelope was returned yesterday because I had inserted the bill into the envelope upside down. [In a bow to diversity and multiculturalism let me just say that it is further proof that only Allah, and blessed be his name, can weave a perfect rug.] The envelope spent 10 days on a round trip that totaled 4 miles. It never got to Texas. It never left Broward County. It never left Fort Lauderdale. It never left my zip code. And these are the people you want running health care?

Now I know why you are a rabid abortion advocate. “The triumph of hope over experience” – the bed rock of your statist principles, such as they are – would, if you were a woman, guarantee perpetual pregnancy.

If the Federal government couldn’t get a truck filled with ice and water across the Mississippi to New Orleans 5 years ago why do you think they would be any better doing pneumonectomies?







Since July 16th I have spoken to 8 “health care professionals”. I call them Doctor because they all have the letters M.D. after their names. They may or may not support ACORN, SEIU, or MoveOn. I mention that because being a member of any of those groups does not make one a “health care professional”. It may make you a “health care thug” which, if done well, would qualify you as a “professional health care thug”.

On July 16th my wife had a total laparoscopic hysterectomy. A bilateral salpingo-oophrectomy and a bilateral pelvic lymphadenectomy were also performed. These procedures were done with DaVinci robotic assistance.

One of the advantages of using the DaVinci is that the recovery time is shortened. That’s because Dr. Freddy from Elm Street is not using a Texas Chain Saw to get to the malignancy. 5 years ago the DaVinci device was almost ready. Some physicians, some scientists, and some adventuresome private sector bankers all had a hand in it. Their combined motivations, be they altruism or “growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice” are of no concern to me. They all came together in the operating room on July 16th.

5 years ago the United States Postal Service charged 37 cents for a first class stamp. I carried the mail for 4 years. [I learned early on never to confuse effort with results. Put differently, I used to be able to play basketball as hard Dwayne Wade. I could never play it as well.] It costs 44 cents today. That’s about 18% more. The Post Office is in serious financial free fall. Unlike GM or Chrysler they don’t qualify for a bailout. The government already owns them.

How would you like to be prepped for prostate surgery by Dick Cheney?

One of the advantages of living in Florida is that you can get quickly to Cuba should a medical emergency arise. They have a world class medical system, don’t they?

“First, do no harm.”



Kevin Smith

Stephen L. Goldstein, AKA The Trendsman The Sun-Sentinel

August 16, 2009

Stephen L. Goldstein, AKA The Trendsman
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: “Public’s Fears Being Manipulated” – Is fears a verb or a noun? Some comments on today’s offering in the Sun-Sentinel.

My dear Professor,

It’s a shame that when you were young and possibly educable you never encountered the Trivium. It was, is, and will be made up of Grammar, Rhetoric, and Logic, the building blocks of Western Civilization. Logic is not a parabolic curve.

For instance, in this morning’s intentionally obfuscatory screed on how nasty Republicans – Are there any other kind? – are shaping the health care debate. You say that 260 protestors cannot speak for 6.7 million citizens of Indiana. You say that “by their silence [they] disagree with the protestors”. If that is the case then, Logically, the Vietnam War was the most popular war in American History. Further, since less than 1/10th of one percent of the American people heard Martin Luther King speak in 1964, using your Logic, the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 & 1965 would never have been passed.

You said it; I didn’t.

In Latin it is Qui tacet consentit. The literal translation is He who is silent consents.

You mention the 2000 Presidential election brouhaha as did Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on her recent trip to Africa. 3 things cry out for a better pen than I can bring to it.

#1 – How anyone from Cook County, Illinois can mention anything about any election anywhere is beyond satire. Since hearsay evidence is one of your favorite assets I tell you that I heard that Mayor Richard Daley confessed on his death bed that he was most ashamed of fixing the 1960 Presidential election.

#2 – If the Nobel Prize winning, Academy Award winning former Vice President, AKA Alpha Gump, had carried Tennessee, his home state, or Arkansas, Clinton’s home state, he would have been President if he didn’t get one vote in Florida.

#3 – In a note of supreme irony the 2000 Presidential election was decided in 1987 when Robert Bork was denied a seat on the Supreme Court. The second vote was 7 to 2 in favor of Bush. The key vote, the vote whether or not to accept the case, was 5 to 4. If Bork had been on the Supreme Court the vote would have been 5 to 4 against accepting the case. If that had been the case we would not have been attacked on September 11th, we would not have had Hurricane Katrina or Hurricane Wilma, 120% mortgages would still be available, and we would not now have drowning polar bears. Yet one more example of your wonderful Logic.

You say “we are cursed with perilous [italics yours] times that are intolerably dangerous”. Your solution is typical of a card carrying modern American Liberal. In typical iron fist in iron glove style so reminiscent of Hitler and Mussolini you say “serious media commentators must connect the real [italics yours] dots for the public”.

Since you work for a company in bankruptcy you may be seeking other employment. Have you thought about applying for the soon to be created White House Media Czar? Obviously, since you know best [italics mine] you will help serious media commentators connect the dots for the public. Or else.

There is one point that I will heed.

You say that you “predict/fear that some kook will go over the edge and shoot or physically assault someone”. I fear that someday you will know that the black helicopter squad personally led by Darth Cheney is coming to get you. That will surely send you “over the edge”. Should I ever see you in a Post Office or a FedEx Kinko’s I will assume you are packing. I am going into a duck and cover mode.

At my peril I will give you once piece of universal advice about fire arms. Whether they are long guns or pistols be sure to remember that the sharp end goes into the breech first.





Kevin Smith

Save Hilly, Part 2

August 15, 2009

FREE HILLY – PART 2

I don’t blame you. In fact, I’m with you. I’d be screaming Mimi pissed off too.

There you are, the Secretary of State, a friggin’ Cabinet officer, high up on the list to succeed the Big Guy if he gets caught in a Cook County Saturday Night Live/Dead raree, squatting in the Peoples’ Republic of Upper Boogaloo, wearing your “Hi Kids! I Barney’s Mother” costume, “feeling fat” as your good friend Tina Brown said as she put one of her claws about 6 inches into your one good eye, looking like a wanabee Madeline Albright [Jeezuz Haitch Keerist, but that woman had some world class keester, didn’t she?] and some Jemoke from Jabib asks you what your husband thinks about the price of corn or do you think he would like the local delicacy, fried bat con guzano, and would you like to see my assegai when you just found out that Monica Lewinsky went to North Korea to give Sum Dum Fug a bit of the gobble to get those two chicks who worked for Alpha Gump, Nobel Prize winner, and why in the Hell didn’t he go to get them out seeing as how Thumper Gump, his wife and mentor of all the Baby Gumpsters, still so Goddamn tired of 8 years of sucking hind tit would have put a hatchet into your neck to get her husband on that plane even if it meant 10 hours with the OvalOfficeOralOrifice practicing up on Korean Kama Sutra and it all came apart. Getting hired by the largest law firm in Arkansas when your husband, Handsome Billy, was elected Governor was bad enough. Being made a partner when he was elected Governor you thought would be worse but nobody cared. Shilling for Wal*Mart. Schlepping for TCBY. You would have done anything to get out of Hooterville, Arkansas. You did. It was easy to give Ricky Ray Rector, the Black murderer with an IQ of about 58, a lap dance in the electric chair to keep him quiet until they could juice him up to show that your husband was “tough on crime”. It got you a one way ticket to D.C., the bright lights, and a chance to shine. As penance for all those years of Billy’s One Eyed Trouser Snake being the most used tool in Hot Springs, for all those years of the knowing glances of all of the State House employees [Whitewater prospects all] knowing that when the Governor’s door was closed his zipper was open he gave you the American health care system to fiddlefart around with. If you had called for beheadings he would have begun a crash campaign to build guillotines because your work kept you from bothering him when he was interviewing interns about their position[s] on affairs, both foreign and domestic when it all came undone in Darkest Africa. If you were in Venice at least you could have gotten a decent meal.

You must really miss Vince Foster.



Kevin Smith

Senator Debbie Stabenow

August 13, 2009

Senator Debbie Stabenow
702 Hart Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20510

RE: “Such stupidity is not found in nature.”

Senator Stabenow,

Just when I was going to go out in the noonday sun, “mad dog” that I am, to tend to my hackle bush, hackles being one of the crops that will welcome Global Warming with open pistils, I read your how far up your ass can you stick your head before issuing a press release about climate.

“Global Warming creates volatility.
I feel it when I’m flying.”

Say what you will about the future of Michigan at least they take care of the citizens who are a full bubble off plumb. There can be no doubt that you were elected as the result of a very successful “Hire the Handicapped” campaign.

On the off chance that all your chromosomes are properly aligned I hereby name you

“HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK”
MARE DIVISION
MODERN AMERCIAN LIBERAL SUB-SECTION
ELECTED OFFICIAL GROUP


May I suggest that the next time you fly you tell the cabin chickies to close all the doors? It is time to bring back literacy tests. Not for voters but, rather, for candidates. You give nit-wits a bad name.


Kevin Smith


PS – Got to go. The bell on my manatee trap just went off.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Congressman Eugene Green

August 12, 2009

Congressman Eugene Green
909 Decker Drive #124
Baytown, TX 77520

RE: Photo IDs and the heights and/or depths of smarminess

Congressman Green,

First things first.

My 3 granddaughters – Caitlin, Caroline, and Julia – live in Texas. As soon as I read your ukase requiring photo IDs to attend your town hall meetings after you voted against requiring photo IDs to vote I shuddered when I thought that your district could be near, perhaps even contiguous, to where my ladies lived. Thank God you are several hundreds of mile away from them. I did track down a long lost cousin who once lived in Pasadena. He has moved to Hondo where he is out of harm’s way from you.

Que cojones! Que huevos!

They sure grow them big in Texas.

Accordingly, I award you the esteemed “non-malodorous fecal matter” medallion. If you don’t know what it means SASE.

I save the best for last. You have gone right to the top in your first time at bat.

Congressman Eugene Green
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

You join a distinguished company. Don’t let the side down.





Kevin Smith

Eugene Robinson The Washington Post

August 11, 2009

Eugene Robinson
The Washington Post
1150 15th Street NW
Washington, DC 20071

RE: “Cool down, and focus” – The title of your eclectically interesting column on health care in today’s Miami Herald.

Mr. Robinson,

You mention “paranoid fantasists” as being the “crazies in the town hall mobs”. Further, they are “directed from the wings” by “cynical political operatives, following a script written by Washington lobbyists”.

Would you include in your ever expanding list of “paranoid fantasists” those who believe the events of 9/11 were orchestrated by the White House?

Would you include in your ever expanding list of “paranoid fantasists” those who believe that Jews were warned not to go to the WTC on 9/11? You can substitute Zionists for Jews for convenience purposes.

Would you include in your ever expanding list of “paranoid fantasists” those who believe that this country went to war, a Congressionally approved war, so that the Bush family could secure a gas transmission line through Kafiristan?

Since lobbying is a practice specifically allowed by the First Amendment, an Amendment beloved of modern American Liberals when it comes to crucifixes suspended in urine and naked homosexuals masturbating in front of Saint Patrick’s Cathedral, could you send me copies of the lists you keep in camera of good lobbyists and bad lobbyists? I promise to keep them confidential.

Finally, should you encounter James Carville and Mary Matalin at a social function which would you denounce as a “cynical political operative”? Which oen should get the CPO brand on their forehead?




Full disclosure requires that I tell you that I stood in front of the Clinton White House in the summer of 1998. I was wearing my prized “Right-Wing Conspirator” ball cap. I held my first grandchild in one arm. I raised my other arm, fist clenched, and shouted “Come out with your hands up, you son of a bitch. We have the place surrounded”.

The lesson of

“FREE MEN SPEAK WITH FREE TONGUES”

is not lost on me.


Kevin Smith


PS – If it is “outlandish and false” for Sarah Palin to rail against “death panels” is it not equally “outlandish and false” for Nancy Pelosi to label Obama health care dissenters as Nazis? If not, why not?

Senator Edward M. Kennedy

August 9, 2009

Senator Edward M. Kennedy
2400 JFK Parkway
Boston, MA 02203

RE: An act of Christian charity

Senator Kennedy,

Do you remember the marvelous scene in A Christmas Carol that has Marley, on his death bed, telling Scrooge, his partner, “Save yourself”?

It is obvious that you are on the 18th green. Whether you 3 putt it is no longer your choice.

May I suggest that, as an act of Christian charity, you write to the Governor of California – you went to his wedding, remember? – asking him to pardon Sirhan Sirhan?

No prisoner in America has been inside for as long as he has for the same crime.

Maybe it could be a catalyst for better relations in the Middle East. Maybe it could be the indulgence you need to keep you from the hell fires of Gehenna.

Either way, the clock is ticking.

Think about it.

My prayers are with you.






Kevin Smith

Michael Putney Local 10 WPLG

August 11, 2009

Michael Putney
Local 10 WPLG
3401 West Hallandale Beach Blvd.
Pembroke Pines, Florida 33023

Mr. Putney,

Thank you for your kind note. Since I believe that “modesty is an overrated virtue” I agree completely with your calling me “witty and thoughtful”. What I don’t know is whether I should take your silence as agreeing with my assessment of Clark Clifford and Alvah Chapman.

I do know that when I am in the same paragraph as Paul Krugman it’s is time to count the silverware. If you look at his picture on the Times’ web site and then close your eyes and say “Where have I seen that face before”? the mystery of whether or not Rasputin had children is solved. I have to admire anybody who could turn being a shill for Enron into a career plus. As to his Nobel Prize, he joins a distinguished cast of past winners. Swells such as Le Duc Tho, Rigoberta Minchu, and Yasser Arafat will welcome him. Next in line will be a Pulitzer. Walter Duranty needs company. I oft times wonder what the Ochs/Sulzberger junta would have done if their 1934 winner for Foreign Reporting had been as in the tank for the government he covered as was the 1932 winner.

As to Hudson County politics…

Do you remember John Houseman in the movie “3 Days of the Condor”? He was the wise old man of the CIA who, when asked by Cliff Robertson if he “missed the action”, said “No, I miss the clarity.”

My uncle Danny voted in every election until 1971. He was stopped by a Federal Judge, a Judge appointed by a Republican, who was understandably upset when he found out that uncle Danny had died in 1956.

My father, the legendary Judge Smith, tells of the moral dilemma facing poll workers when they discovered that there were no, as in none, Republican votes in the box. Shut outs are appreciated in baseball but not at the ward level. The boys at City Hall decided to give the Republicans 6 votes. The problem came from whether or not to take 6 from the original total or invent 6. The latter prevailed.

If you ever travel on the Eastern Spur of the New Jersey Turnpike to get to the Lincoln Tunnel you will pass what was known as Snake Hill. Among other things it is the southernmost point of the last ice age. If we ever get Global Warming under control who knows where the next Ice Age will end. The connection to Hudson County politics is that while it was public property it was sold for fill as a private transaction. All that was saved was the face of it.


The county undertaker was able to exponentially increase his net income by doubling up indigents in the same coffin before putting them in unmarked graves.

I remember wondering how a school building in Jersey City was able to spend $900 per casement window – each site having two – in 1958. So did the U.S. Attorney’s office.

Beneficial Finance got its stronghold in Hudson County as a financing arm for county employees to pay the 3% tribute to Hague.

The Hudson County Boulevard, now known as Kennedy Boulevard, had its own police force. 15 miles long and 25 yards wide. There was also the Hudson County Park Police. Don’t confuse them with the Hudson County Police. This may seem strange to an outsider but up there everybody knew what politicians did. They got people jobs.

Down here it is different. Save the manatee, save the turtles, save the homeless, save the halt, the lame, save the old, and save the single mom who is usually a woman of color with a child in need of a good Ritalin program. She is also exploited by the low prices at WAL*MART. Soon there will be committee to save the pythons. Manatee suffrage is next on the agenda. Didn’t we save the aging greyhounds and pregnant pigs?

I can tell you that the majority of the Broward County Commission is “ethically challenged”. It would be funny if they weren’t so pretentious. One member actually uses a different name when she in Tallahassee as a paid lobbyist. These people, having stolen the coins off dead men’s eyes, now steal hot stoves. And they aren’t too proud to ask for help getting down the back stairs with a 6 burner model.

I had an aunt who lived on Hester Street. She used to say, “Don’t pee on my back and call it rain”.

Which brings me back to where I started. Did Alvah Chapman use Clark Clifford to put the fix in? I’ll save the way that Bayonne split the Black vote in 1964 when everybody was praising the Voting Rights Act. After it was split it was then Urban Renewaled out of existence. None of that modern American Liberal claptrap in Hudson County.

My Uncle Tom had this after hours joint in his basement…

Kevin Smith

CC-DTF

Monday, August 10, 2009

Congressman Ron Klein

August 9, 2009

Congressman Ron Klein
800 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Is it time for a new Alien & Sedition Act? Scratch the part about Aliens unless they’re coming from outer space. Perhaps we can get a return receipt from the first Pioneer flight. Is it time for a new Sedition Act?

Congressman Klein,

I enclose a copy of a letter I sent to you on February 17, 2009. I quoted you verbatim. It was unanswered in keeping with your practice.

“I want them to be the eyes and the ears of the stimulus plan.”
The Sun-Sentinel
February 17, 2009
Page 5B
You

A picture of you telling some workers what was expected of them accompanied the article. I couldn’t tell if you had a quirt in your hand. Doesn’t Castro have block committees to keep an eye on things? A sudden weight gain in Havana will land you in the pokey. High cholesterol will get you shot. In Broward your name will be taken and a line will be drawn through it. Where is the usual caterwauling about “slippery slopes” and “chilling effects”? It depends on whose boot is on whose neck.

There is a certain amount of irony in that card carrying modern American Liberals, particularly elected ones, see no moral dilemma in encouraging “snitching”? Concerns for the civil rights of assassins in Camp Gitmo somehow don’t extend to your fellow citizens.

Lillian Hellman must be spinning in her grave. I trust that my tax deductible contribution towards keeping a 24 hour armed guard facing her grave is still in operation.
Should this hecateish succubus slip the traces and further infect the common weal she would make Swine Flu look like the sniffles.

When are you being fitted for your brown shirt and your hob nail boots?

At the bottom modern American Liberals, particularly elected ones, are Fascist thugs. With the exception of abortion the only ones who will have “freedom of choice” will be those holding the truncheon. Is Rahm Emanuel the new Bull Conner? Which will be the first amendment to go after the First? The Fifth? The Second?



It appears that Attorney General Eric Holder will soon unleash a special prosecutor on the CIA because, in their zeal to prevent another 9/11, they may have ruffled the burnoose of a feral Abdul the Butcher. This is the same man who sat silently in the White House when the Clintons had an auction to get out of prison. Did Hillary’s loutish brother ever give back the $400,000 he got for selling pardons through his brother-in-law? That was the retail cost. I wonder what the wholesale cost was. Were there volume discounts? How about a family discount? Now Holder is going to conduct an inquisition about combatants and their interrogations. I know where he can get a good price on a used strapado. Wait a minute. The costs may be covered under the Stimulus plan.

Should you desire to leave the Congress I am sure the White House would welcome you as the Minister of Truth. Perhaps the Czar of Truth would be a better, more descriptive title. Either one would suit your Javert-like tendencies. Who would be your first Bukharin?

Would you be so kind as to inform the White House that I reek of “fishy” thoughts and writings? I wouldn’t want to interfere with the vacation plans of Lord Barack the Beneficent. Please forward them this letter with my name underlined like Zapata’s was. Tell them also that “free men still speak with free tongues”.

The Greeks called it hubris. I prefer “non-malodorous fecal matter”. Modern American Liberals suffer from it disproportionately. You have placed the Republic in peril.


Kevin Smith


PS – I just had a great idea! How about loyalty tests as a condition of employment by the Federal government in re the health plan? Why not expand it to include any job “created” by the sainted Stimulus pogrom?

Andy McCullough, The Star Ledger

August 8, 2009

Andy McCullough
The Star Ledger
One Star Ledger
Newark, New Jersey 07102

RE: Steroids and other drugs

Mr. McCullough,

I’m a transplanted Jersey guy, born and raised in Bayonne. I check the Irish sports pages in the Jersey Journal and the Star Ledger to see who finished the back nine.

Your story on David Ortiz and steroids caught my eye, so to speak. That’s why I am writing. I had eye surgery this week. Since I had it I choose not to call it “minor”. I borrow this non-designation from Dennis Miller who once said on Monday Night Football that “there is no such thing as minor groin surgery”.

Part of the post operative treatment is 4x daily dosage of both eyes with steroids. Does that mean that I can no longer watch any baseball on TV or is it limited just to the Red Sox?

One of my daughter’s degrees is in nursing. She practices in Texas as a Labor and Delivery nurse. She has 3 daughters, one of whom has some breathing difficulties. When it passes the norm the first thing she does is to dose her nasally with steroid spray. She then follows up with pills the size of wing nuts containing, you guessed it, steroids. Does that mean that my granddaughter shouldn’t breathe out?

My father told me glorious tales of Babe Ruth tossing down tumblers of Tom Collins’s at Donohoe’s on Route 23. It was 2 miles North of where the Willowbrook Mall is today. The Bambino dumped the froth, the oranges, the ice, and the liquor straight down his Hall of Fame yaw. Does that mean we should ban gin?

OOPS! Wait a minute. We tried that once. It didn’t work.

How many Babe Ruth home runs should we take off the board because he used an illegal substance?

How many Bobby Layne wins should we redact because he used a legal substance to excess?

Eugene “Big Daddy” Lipscomb used marijuana and heroin. Should we take back the 2 NFL championships the Colts won with him on the team?





If I inject a bagful of industrial strength steroids through an IV how many pedestrians will I run down after I disconnect the needle and drive to the stadium?

Adults are responsible for their actions. I understand that if steroids are used to excess your testicles shrivel up. If David Ortiz still fell for the siren song of the Green Monster who am I to say he is wrong.

Reductio ad absurdum…If he had pneumonia should he denied penicillin in that it is not a substance found in nature? Try as I might I cannot find any pictures of ACE Bandage bushes. Deep tissue massages would be suspect in that teams that don’t use them would be at a disadvantage.

I am scheduled for a cortisone shot in my ailing knee. It is a reminder of a high school football injury that happened in 1960. If I take the juice injection will I be banned from doing my traditional hop, skip, and jump when I return to Bayonne?



Kevin Smith


PS – All drugs are toxic. It depends on the dosage.
August 9

ATTENTION MUST BE PAID!

August 9th is the anniversary of the beginning of the most successful arms control agreement of the 20th century.

The first attempt at reasoning, the one on August 6th, didn’t work. It was necessary to poleax the stubborn mule again. The United States Army Air Force made the point over the skies of Nagasaki on August 9, 1945.

Just like Salem hasn’t had any more problems with witches since they strung a few of them up, no nuclear device has been used in anger in 64 years.

Who knows what will happen now?

As bad as the Russkies were they dealt in the real world. My son Sean, the world famous attorney, was not 10 years old when he said that he wanted to go to Russia so he could visit our wheat.

Today, the NORKS and the WOGS are motivated by things that are alien to Western Civilization. Maybe the string will end. Maybe we’ll see how effective Stars Wars is. Maybe we’ll see if we can put one into the men’s room window.

One thing is certain.

Nothing happened in the past 64 years.

For that blessing let us sing a TE DEUM.

My uncle Burt, armed only with a pencil, a slide rule, and two degrees in electrical engineering, worked on the Manhattan Project. As much as any member of mine and my wife’s families who fought in the Second World War he contributed to the peace of the last 64 years. For their good works we give thanks.

Gillian Martin, WKCP-FM

August 8, 2009

Gillian Martin
WKCP-FM
330 SW 2nd Street #207
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33316

RE: The joys of Globalization

Ms. Martin,

I swear, I swear that I saw a news report of a dog doing squats with its Japanese master. They send us sushi and Sonys; we send them dog tricks. It’s like the good old days with India. They sent us surgeons; we sent them cement plants. Skip the balance of trade flummery. That is one Hell of a deal for us.

I think in the big picture, in the grand scope of things there is a place for Senator B Boxer. Please not that I didn’t say Senator A Boxer. While there is no doubt that she could qualify on both counts – a woman preaching and a dog [more precisely, a bitch] walking on its hind legs – who am I to make those judgments?

That’s all for now. I am preparing the music for tomorrow’s big celebration.



Kevin Smith

Congressman Brad Sherman

August 5, 2009

Congressman Brad Sherman
5000 Van Nuys Boulevard #420
Sherman Oaks, CA 91403

RE: Political speech

Congressman Sherman,

I just saw you on the Cavuto Show. You were chattering on how bad manners at a political event are somehow anti-American.

Today’s History and Political Science tutorial begins with a quote from 26 centuries ago.

“Free men speak with free tongues”

Further, it is in the nature of American politics for there to be plethora of brush back pitches and, every now and then, one in the ear.

Edmund Burke would not recognize my analogies but he would recognize and indentify with the sentiment.

John Adams gave us the Alien and Sedition Act. Would you like that to temper the passions at the Teabag gatherings about Health Care? 3 years after said Act we had the campaign of 1800. It was the dirtiest Presidential campaign ever. Nothing since has even approached it.

The Democratic Party and its handmaiden the New York Times acquiesced in calling Abraham Lincoln a “baboon”. Since they supported a negotiated settlement with the South would it be unfair of me to say that they both supported slavery?

Who, if anyone, benefited from the Palmer Raids?

HUAC, the House Un-American Activities Committee, was the creature of Democratic House. It was supported by a Democratic President. Whatever else it did we can stipulate that the presumption of innocence and due process – you went to law school, didn’t you? – were never high on its list of things to protect.

It is part of the warp and woof of American political DNA for people to shout and curse, to vent passionately, to push the edges of the envelope, and to exercise the rights “that are ours from beyond the stars”.

President Bush was regularly called a war criminal. He was compared to Adolph Hitler. The Republic survived.


The noble sentence begins with “Congress shall make no law…” The “penumbras” and their cousins, the wily “emanations”, give us the right to be a pain in the ass. Not just a pain in the ass but an obnoxiously nasty pain in the ass.

As my friend, the noted sportsman and restaurateur, the legendary Big Mike from Bayonne always says, “That’s why you never see anybody swimming to Cuba”.

Is it true that the White House has established an e-mail address so that Americans can rat out their neighbors? Anyone who does not offer complete obeisance to Lord Barack the Beneficent, and blessed be his name, would be liable to being tossed down the “slippery slope” of “chilling effects”. What has happened to the modern American Liberal tradition of not “Naming Names”? I guess it depends on whose name is being named.

Who thought we could learn from Hugo Chavez?




Kevin Smith



PS – I just accessed you website to get your address. Who says Elbridge Gerry is dead? The map of your district shows that he is alive and well, particularly when Democrats control the state legislature. Also, your performance qualifies you to earn the first honor in my power to bestow. You are named a

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK.

Many benefits come with this high honor. It is expected that you will continue to earn them.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Admiralty Library, Naval Historical Branch

August 3, 2009

Admiralty Library
Naval Historical Branch – Number 24 Store
Main Road
Her Majesty’s Naval Base
Portsmouth, England PO1 3LU

Sirs,

The movie, “The Private Lives of Henry the Eighth” with Charles Laughton playing the Defender of the Faith, opens with him tearing a chicken [cooked] apart. He looks about his Court and sneers, “Manners are dead”.

On February 23, 2009 I sent you a book “Heroic Record of the British Navy” that I rescued from the dustman’s bin in Texas.

I got your address from Buckingham Palace. I wrote to the Queen concerning the proper disposition of said book. Copies of this correspondence are enclosed.

It is now more than 5 months since I sent you the book. There exists the possibility that my Post Office or your Post Office bollixed the matter. It is possible that they did not.

If you got the book please let me know even at this late date.

I am sending a copy of this to the Queen. I understand her father saw action at Jutland, that her husband was a deck officer in World War 2, and that her son earned his pay at the Falklands. That qualifies her as Navy daughter, a Navy wife, and a Navy mother. I thought she should know.


Kevin Smith

Clarence Page, The Chicago Tribune

August 3, 2009

Clarence Page
The Chicago Tribune
435 Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois 60611

RE: “Anti-Obama ‘birthers’ are just sore losers” – and racists too. Or so you say in this morning’s Sun-Sentinel.

Mr. Page,

If I were to say that Bud Light, the President’s choice for twilight teaching moments at the White House, is a terrible beer would that make me a racist?

If I were to say that President Obama’s main connection to slavery would have been on the gathering and selling side would that make me a racist? Considering his runaway father’s ancestry could it not be possible that one of his forebears was a principal in the Kunta Kinte saga? Maybe it’s time for a new edition of “Roots”.

If I were to say that all the Obama women belong in a “nunnery” would that make me a racist and a sexist too?

Do you remember a writer named Gary Sick? He posited the thesis that George H. W. Bush swung the 1980 election to Ronald Reagan by virtue of the original “October Surprise”. Simply put or put simply – they are interchangeable – he said that George Bush slipped away from his Secret Service detachment, his campaign handlers, and the press in October, 1980. He hopped on a SR-71, AKA “Blackbird”, and flew to Paris. While there he met with agents of the Ayatollah and set about scuttling the Carter campaign. He then got back on the plane and returned to Andrews A.F.B. in time to finish his tennis match.

Since people who believe in nothing will believe in anything Sick had the Loony Left on his side. There was pressure to conduct a Congressional investigation. Speaker of the House Thomas Foley supported this. When it was suggested that there was no evidence for any of this he said that we had to have an investigation “because there was no evidence”.

If I were to say that now I know how O.J. Simpson got off would that make me a racist?

My favorite memory of Speaker Foley was when he lit the Congressional Christmas tree in 1990 or 1991. His part was to beat a large Tom-Tom while costumed American Indians danced around the drum imploring Manitou to let the buffalo return. Do you remember Steve Martin in “The Jerk” trying to dance? At least he wasn’t 3rd in line for the Presidency.


It is in the nature of the American public to rally to absurd causes. It was harmless then; it’s harmless now. Besides, as my sainted mother would say, “It keeps them out of the pool halls”.

Since you accept correlation as causation the melanin challenged makeup of the “birthers” would be grist for your mill. Stupidity may trump all other reasons including yours.

Would you search your columns for the one[s] that you wrote condemning the “October Surprise”? When you find them could you send them to me?

Did you condemn Mrs. Clinton, specifically, did you call her a racist, for her “or so he says” answer about Senator Obama being a Muslim.

Maybe it’s time for a new category in American politics.

How does “sore winners” strike you?



Kevin Smith

Steven L. Goldstein, The Sun Sentinel

August 2, 2009

Steven L. Goldstein
The Sun Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Oy! At last we get a little bit of emmis in our politics

My dear Professor,

I state with 100% absolute metaphysical certitude that I am not a Jew. I also state that since the man who founded my Church was a Jew I can feel a certain kinship there. Being born and raised an Irish Catholic in Bayonne, New Jersey has certain advantages in lessons in ethnicity.

I watched Don Larson pitch his perfect game against the Dodgers in Bobby Siegel’s house because our television was broken. I carried vegetables from Guardino’s to the shul on Avenue C and 49th Street. I listened to the Jewish Mayor of Dublin speak at the Knights of Columbus and the Jewish Community Center in Bayonne. My first job out of college was at a textile company. My first customers were Worth Street jobbers. One of them, a man named Walter Levitin, told me that “when things are good they’re going to get bad but when things are worse they’re going to get better”. I also learned that the sons of Cuban textile merchants were paying off 6 year old bills, said bills being woefully past due because Castro took their businesses. I had a lawyer who married the rabbi’s daughter. I had the same lawyer as Ariel Sharon. From trayfe I know.

Your column in this morning’s Sun-Sentinel about the need for Yiddish as the official language of political criticism is spot on. A few points need clarification.

#1 – You say that Joe Biden is “long winded”. Since we are cross dressing ethnically speaking let me say that you are the template for Christian Charity. The man is a horse’s ass of Biblical proportions. No amount of ecumenical tolerance and no lost in translation explanation can explain away the fact that the man is a boob.

#2 – You say that “Governor Crist and the Republican legislature haven’t delivered on their promise of mega-savings on taxes and insurance”. Only mush brained modern American Liberals believe that you can cut taxes by raising taxes. I refer you to the progressive Cuban progressive, Raoul Castro, who said yesterday that “uncontrolled government spending cannot go on”. Strange as it seems to you there is a connection between spending and taxes. Listen carefully. I’ll write this slowly. If the government spends less it can tax less. If the government wants to raise more revenue the only sure way to do it is to cut taxes. You may wish to check History on that, Got it? Raoul’s solution will be to do away with both bread and circuses. It is well to note that there is not much pan there so it will not be a big deal. It will be cheered on by mALs. People like you who believe that the laws governing gravity are subject to their wishes. This leads us to the next point.

#3 – The President of the United States, Lord Barack the Beneficent and blessed be his name, sat in Reverend Wright’s church for 20 years. Wright would begin his sermons by yelling about the “Goddamn Jews”. Poverty, war, snow, hurricanes, the Cubs losing, it made no difference to him. It was the Jews whodunit, don’t you know? He says that he never heard him say that in the 20 years he was his pastor. If you believe that you will believe anything. OOPS! I forgot. You are a modern American Liberal. “The triumph of hope over experience” is Talmudic. You, bowing to him like he was a Saudi Prince, are almost ready to call him mosiach. Didn’t they have Yiddishe kups where you lived?

Does that make you a putz or a shmuck?

Like I said in the beginning…OY!

Shabot shalom.





Kevin Smith


PS – Because my family is well dispersed my Easter seders are not as large as they once were. I still have a cup for Elijah should he knock on my door.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Kathy Bushouse, The Sun-Sentinel

August 3, 2009

Kathy Bushouse
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: “The World Turned Upside Down” or why Johnny can’t read. A comment on your article about Broward teachers demanding a raise.

Ms. Bushouse,

The song mentioned above was the one played when Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown. I just had the distressing thought that the majority of people connected to the Broward County school system – teachers, students, administrators, “others” – don’t know who Cornwallis was or what happened at Yorktown. That’s a matter for a different discussion.

2 points stand out in your article. First, I must congratulate you for telling the story in a straightforward manner. There was no hint of sarcasm, no hint that your head was about to explode in rage, no stiletto of ridicule, no broadsword of indignation at what is patently absurd. I rather imagine that you had to be packed in ice after you finished writing it.

#1 – The Broward school system has 39,000 employees. Of that number “16,000 plus” are teachers. “16,000 plus” teachers need 23,000 “others” to help them teach? When the magic student teacher ratio is figured is it the number of students divided by 39,000 or by “16,000 plus”?

Why is it “16,000 plus”? Why would the number of teachers be an unknown? Count the number of paychecks payable to people who checked off “teacher” on their pay form. That’s the number of teachers in the system. You can pass this on to Superintendent Notter. Tell him to pass it on to the Chief Financial Officer.

#2 – One of the demands of the “16,000 plus” teachers is “deleting a requirement that teachers attend a back to school night”. Who writes their stuff? Mel Brooks? Is their bible [N.B. lower case “b”] “A Confederacy of Dunces”?

Why would a parent go to back to school night save for the fact that they can meet their children’s teachers? The cafeteria lady, the plumber, the diversity expert – Did I just say diversity expert? – the crossing guard, the benefits consultants, the curriculum experts are vitally important, I dare say extremely important, to the education of the children. That’s not who the parents want to see.





Your article is continued on Page6B. The story above it is titled “Missing man found buried in freezer”.

Can you get the police to go back to where the body was found? Maybe the common sense so profoundly missing in American public education is in there.

The world is turned upside down.





Kevin Smith

Mrs. Sonia Bonici – Senior Correspondence Officer, Buckingham Palac

August 5, 2009

Mrs. Sonia Bonici – Senior Correspondence Officer
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA
England

Dear Mrs. Bonici,

You were gracious enough to reply to my request to the Queen on what to do with a book – Heroic Record of the British Navy – that I found and purchased last year in a used book store in Texas.

On your advice I sent it to the Admiralty Library on February 23, 2009. Alas, I have had no acknowledgement of it. I enclose a letter I sent to them on August 2, 2009.

As I was reading it this morning it occurred to me that I may have short changed your sovereign. Harry, her grandson and the reason for the first letter to you in January, served with the Royal Marines in combat. At the very least he would have qualified for a Combat Infantryman’s Badge. As is said in this country, “He saw the elephant”. “Having taken the Queen’s shilling” it can be said that he earned it.

In my country the United States Marine Corps is a part of the United States Navy. If a similar structure exists in your country permit me to amend my last paragraph.

“That qualifies her as Navy daughter, a Navy wife, a Navy mother,
and a Navy grandmother.”

I thought she should know.




Kevin Smith