January 3, 2013
I include my personal kudos to Dave Barry today. It is the earliest in the year that I have ever done so. His signature line – “I can’t make this up” – is always my handy excuse for not being able to write fiction.
Jonathan Swift would have stayed a preacher if he had heard the following proclamation:
“Al-Jazeera Acquires Al Gore’s Network”
Lest we forget, Al-Jazeera, as a news reporting entity, entered our national consciousness on or about September 14, 2001. You may recall that PATH service was interrupted when 19 well-disciplined Rag Heads, each of whom was focused on the 6 dozen female, nubile, virgo intacta, infidels promised them, flew their planes into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. 3000 people in the buildings were killed. 350 NYPD firemen and 50 NYPD and PATH policemen were killed, remember?
I know the date was 9/11/01. It took Al-Jazeera a few days to gather background data for their first Man of the Week. Osama bin-Laden, noted Islamic community organizer cum jihadist, was the man. [You may need to be reminded of the inconvenient truth that Time Magazine named Adolf Hitler “Man of the Year”. Hell, if he was good enough for Papa Joe Kennedy he was good enough for Boss Luce.]
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA as Alpha Gump, AAKA as Cementhead, will be remembered as a man of vision who was tighter than a clam’s ass.
When he was Vice President of the United States [Not to be confused with the mini-conglomerate of slum lording, toxic waste pollution causing, tobacco handling Good Old Boy cabal he ran in Tennessee] he had a few perks.
He lived rent free in a house that had its own zip code, trout stream, and ski lift. If memory serves, Nelson Rockefeller, as Vice President, declared the place unfit for human habitation. He then dug up one of the coffee cans that his grandfather filled with some ill-gotten pelf from the good old days and buried under one of the medical schools he built. He rebuilt the place. Who says that recycling is all bad?

Alpha and Thumper Gumpster and all the baby Gumpsters had their lawns mowed by the Secret Service. Driving John Deere mowers, donning flak jackets, toting UZIs, these guys put the greens crew at the Masters to shame. Not one dandelion dared to show up until Vlad Cheney got there.

I mention the above because, if we are to believe his tax returns, this cheap bastard gave less than $1 a day to charity.

There is no sense being a modern American Liberal unless you can be a hypocritical skin-flint also. Short arms and long pockets unless it comes to everyone else’s money. Since it isn’t his he wants to give it all away. The turd should be flogged.


Al’s cut of the Al-Jazeera deal will be $100,000,000. That’s one hundred million dollars. Something else that I cannot up make up is that he wanted the deal to close before1/1/13. Something about there being a lower tax rate was factored in. After he’s flogged he should be kneecapped. Twice.

The $100,000,000, a type of reverse dhimmi, calls to mind Ned Beatty lecturing Peter Finch in “Network”.

Commerce is an inflating, rotating balloon.

Money is glued to the outside of the balloon. It is constantly expanding and rotating and always returning to its launch point.

Nothing can be allowed to interfere with this process.

For decades this cheap bastard – to which I now add self-serving - preached the evils of the internal combustion engine. He condemned anything other than a hand-held fan as a personal cooling device. He suggested baby seals on winter nights for those living in less temperate climes. He was this millennium’s Jeremiah when he told us of the bad times surely to come when the beleaguered Ozone layer went walkabout [I must confess that I contributed mightily to this tragic loss. For the better part of a decade, until it was banned in a victory against corporate greed, I squirted Right Guard out from my bathroom window. If I felt particularly tumescent I gave the button a few extra thumps.]


HIS PUBLIC LIFE CONSISTED OF PUTTING ROADBLOCKS
IN THE PATH OF AMERICA BECOMING ENERGY INDEPENDENT.

CUI BONO?

One direct beneficiary of his decades long, mind numbing perfidy was Qatar, AKA “The WOG Switzerland of the Persian Gulf”.

After decades of carrying their water, after decades of keeping hundreds of thousands of Americans from knowing the joy of having a steady job, after decades of hectoring us on the joys of the pre-Industrial Age, after decades of trying to outdo Ned Lud, after decades of aiding America’s enemies, after decades of selling his soul for a mess of porridge, his keepers have thrown him a bone.

It it weren’t for oil Qatar would be a C minus Lapland. Scorpions emigrate from the Allah-forsaken never watered wadi wannabe.

Alpha Gump, by his head up his ass policies, gave the stout Qataris so much money it had to be weighed.


They recycled some of it back to him.

Nothing lost save honor.

At least Judas had the grace to hang himself.







Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET




PS – Strong note to follow