Senator Bill Nelson

June 16, 2009

Senator Bill Nelson
3416 South University Drive
Davie, Florida 32207

RE: Check your credit card bills!

Senator Nelson,

Someone, probably from your office, has stolen your identity.

The letter in this morning’s Miami Herald, complete with the classic Alfred E. Newman “What, me worry” photo, about the terrorist oil companies could not have been written by a United States Senator.

The scam artist writes that the royalties from Big Oil can only be used to clean up any spills that they are responsible for. He says it can’t be used for “sagging budgets and schools”. Only a horse’s ass of biblical proportions could say that.

I could mention the special tax on telephones that was passed in 1898 to fund the Spanish American War – that’s the one that had Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill, remember? – and stayed on the books for 106 years. I could mention the Indian Trust Fund that has been looted for 135 years by various Round Eyes and Paleskins. I could mention the Highway Trust Fund that has been a favorite lactating mammary for politicians since the Hula Hoop and The Honeymooners were in vogue. I could mention them but I won’t. I will only mention one. That one is the mother of all royalty raids. The Social Security Rust Fund.

Beginning in 1964 the Congress has approved the following transaction at budget time. All the money paid into Social Security goes directly into the Treasury general account. That’s the account that paid for “Midnight Basketball”, for President Obama’s date night in New York, for the war against terrorists [I can still say that, can’t I?] for crop supports, for the Department of Education – the list is endless. The government then issues an IOU, a chit, to cover its tracks. So much for trust funds.




Since I can find no record of you ever voting against any budget reconciliation bill I can only assume that you know that once the money is in it can go anywhere Congress wants it to. That’s how I know someone has accessed your confidential files. Letter such as the one this morning are probably being sent to papers all over Florida.

The other possibility, that you are the author of such lunacy fills me with despair. If that is the case then that would make you a horse’s ass of Homeric, of Brobdanaglian proportions.

The only consolation, a Pyrrhic victory of sorts, would be the election of Congressman Kendrick Meek to the soon to be open Senate seat. Since he has retired the title of “Smartest Bear in the Zoo”, perhaps “World Tallest Midget” would be kinder, but we live in age where Trousered Apes can use the 14 year old daughter of a politician as the target of their jibes. That would make you not necessarily smarter than him but merely less dumb.

I would have the FBI sweep your offices. You can’t be that dumb. I hope.


PS – Is there any truth to the rumor that President Obama’s oldest daughter will attend pole dancing camp this summer?