July 15, 2014

Donna Shalala
The University of Miami
Coral Gables, FL 33124

RE: It’s easy being green – Some comments on your TV announcement of trying to become the greenest university on the planet.

Ms. Shalala,

Alas, I was called away from the Michael Putney show of last Sunday just as you were about to tell the TV audience how the not-so-green U was going to become the positively verdant U. Doubtless, the serendipity would be the undrowning of the polar bears.

I did not hear your exact plan but I know just as sure as I know that modern American Liberals are addled asses, I know the broad outlines. Why do I know that bastard Sons of Solyndra, myriad windmills, eructations – bovine, orvine, and porcine, are vital, indeed essential to it? I do. I just do.

I suggest an alternative plan that can be begun immediately. Some of your athletes, football, baseball, track, tennis, golf, but not basketball are already doing it. They, having taken their cue from you talking the talk, are walking the walk.

They play outside. Plenty of water, hopefully not served in environmentally insensitive plastic bottles, but no air conditioning.

One of the highlights of your career as a cabinet secretary in the administration of Handsome Billy, the King of the Trouser Snakes, was a press conference you had with him. He said that it was very hot in August in Washington. The reason it was hot was because of Global Warming. Worse, Global Warming is caused by, you probably remember, by very hot days in August in Washington. The world gasped. “Great Jehovah, but why hadn’t anyone thought of this before”? [The word tautology was banned in DC long before the book burners turned their sights on Redskins. The POOH – The Perpetually Outraged and Offended Halfwits – were in their glory] You added to the festivities by saying that it was no big deal because we would all be dead from AIDS in 10 years. Please don’t think me a cad but I owe it to the ledger to remind you that you said it 17 years ago.

The following is scientific so I’ll type slowly.

Not quite half the electricity generated in this country comes from coal-powered plants. Half of that power goes to running air conditioners

Can you see where I’m going here?



Be the first Division 1 School to turn to the green side. Once you do it the Gators and the Seminoles [I can still use that name, can’t I?] will gladly join in. You have the power to force the issue.

Beginning in 2015 your athletic teams will only play teams who have turned off their A/Cs.

Within 5 years polar bears will be in Lake Okeechobee.

Your place in the pantheon of environmentally sensitive Goddesses will be secure.

I read this morning that an incoming fresh person, a member of the class of 2018, will pay $63,000 a year to go to your school. Once you turn off all the A/Cs you will be alone in the universe of American universities. RATES WILL COME DOWN! You will be turning away applicants demanding admission.

It is easier being green.

You go girl!



From a Proud Global Warming Denier




Kevin Smith