Anthony W. Orlando The Sun-Sentinel

March 9, 2012

Anthony W. Orlando
The Sun-Sentinel
200 Las Olas Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: It’s even money that it would take you more than 3 times to find your ass using both your hands. Some comments on your column in today’s Sun-Sentinel about how Republicans are responsible for fire ants, “the heartbreak of psoriasis”, and the swarms of les Quebecois that overrun this fair land.

My dear Professor,

It would be easy for me to say that you are dumber than a box of hammers…but I won’t. Who am I to suggest that the trustees of 2 distinguished schools erred in granting you degrees?

Since I have decided that I can’t say that you are dumb I can say with 100% metaphysical certitude – the evidence of my own eyes – that there is just so, so much that you don’t know.

Take vocabulary.

You say that Republican homophobic Global Warming deniers “ramped up drilling exponentially”. My dictionary – that’s the big book with words in it – says that “exponential” is better described in geometric terms than mathematical terms. Thus, if non-Republicans drill 100 wells an exponential increase would begin at 25,000.

That didn’t happen, capice?

Next up is the unknown expert source – in your case it is the International Energy Agency – that emulates Alice in Wonderland. Verdict first, then the trial. Incidentally, your “expert” sounds like it is a wholly owned subsidiary of ACORN and is fully funded by SEIU and George Soros.

It announces – cue the thunderbolt, wake up Zeus – that no matter how much oil is discovered it will never be enough. [A hallmark of those afflicted with the curse of modern American Liberalism is the fervent belief that a quart bottle can hold more than 32 ounces, that the horizon can be reached. I hope that never changes.] Thus, should the Great Lakes become giant pools of industrial strength ethanol available free of charge to all people with a photo ID a shout of racism would be raised.

You mention the amount of oil produced in Oklahoma in 1927 as if it were holy writ. As an impeccably credentialed academic you should be aware of nuance and context. Also, you must mention, but don’t, the effect of price on production. By 1932 oil was .10 cents a barrel. Gas was .01 per MCF [MCF? – SASE]

The Governor of Oklahoma dispatched his state’s National Guard to stop producers from selling oil at that price. He said his children’s grandchildren would thank him.

There were 2 reasons for this drop in price.

#1 – The ginormous East Texas oil field was brought in.
#2 – The country entered the economic wasteland presided over by FDR.

Natural gas, one of the fuels most favored by heads up their asses, tree hugging modern American Liberals was $13.00 per MCF less than 3 years ago. Yesterday it was $2.28 per MCF.

I hate to bring facts to this discussion but the reason for the drop has a name: the Marcellus shale.

Here is are two important lessons in Economics. It may well be your Road to Damascus moment.

Ready? Read it twice.

“WHEN EGGS GO TO $5 A DOZEN THE ROOSTER LAYS”

2 things happen when p a commodity jumps in price.

A – The marginal user stops using it.
B – More importantly, new supplies come to the marketplace.

It’s a tie for what modern American Liberals want to save more. Tibet and Whales each has their own constituencies. Once you get past about a billion Chinese the Dalai Lama is home free.

A strong case can be made that oil, dirty and smelly as it is, saved Jonah.

In 1859 a barrel of whale oil was $6. By 1862 it was .50 cents. The only thing similar to the Shovel Ready Summer of Recovery for those unemployed harpooners was the American Civil War.

Thank Colonel Drake for bringing in the first oil well. Titusville, PA. 1859. Perhaps a discrete cry of USA, USA might be in order.

If he had not done it the only memory we would have of whales would have been from the Old Testament and Melville.

You mention that that we have “the lowest Arctic sea ice volume on record”. Record? What record? If you want to know about the Peloponnesian War read Thucydides. If you are into Cicero – the man, not the city – read Plutarch. If English monarchs catch your eye try Shakespeare. I search in vain for the “ice record”.

If the ice is melting in the arctic where is all the water going?

I have lived on the Intercostal for 10 years. I write this not 30 feet from a docked boat. If I head East and make the first turn to Starboard and the second turn to Port I can go to Portugal. I mention this because the height of the water 30 feet from me has not changed in 10 years. This is not to say that it doesn’t rise and fall. It goes up, my dear Professor, and then it goes down. Then it goes up. Up and down. My more nautically inclined neighbors call it the tides. Somehow the moon is involved. I am going to have to study this some more. Once I get on top of it I’ll let you in on it.

Finally, and this is on a more personal note, check your calendar.

You say that Republicans “are beating the war drums on Iran”.

You’ve been so determined to blame the Black Plague, the War for Jenkins Ear, the slaughter of the Kulaks, TV’s “vast wasteland”, and the explosion of Disco and those God-awful leisure suits on the Republicans, particularly those named Bush and specifically their distant relatives League and Burning, that no one told you that a Democrat was elected President. The Democrats also control the Senate. Honest.

I always ask bird brain Eye-Ties why they don’t like Dante.

About 1150 years ago Earth experienced an upward spike in temperature.

See if you can follow this.

Warmer temperatures means that more land becomes arable. [Did you ever wonder how Greenland got its name?] More arable land means that more protein, doubtless all organic, is available for people. People who eat more protein rich foods get smarter and have smarter children. One of the results of this was the Renaissance.

I know you have a problem with Republicans, including Lincoln. Further, I know that you are “halfway through your journey” but you haven’t yet found yourself “filled with error”. Deo volente that you will. Meantime what is your problem with Dante?




Kevin Smith