Dave Hyde The Sun Sentinel

March 18, 2012

Dave Hyde
The Sun Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Don’t make me choose” – Is it possible to commit geographical libel? Some comments that indicate that your column today has done so.

Mr. Hyde,

There is much to be learned from Homer Simpson.

A few years ago, when Jacksonville hosted the Super Bowl, you wrote about the city as if it were an amalgam of Kandahar, Liberty City, and borrowing your newest geographical term, “Hooterville”.

My advice to you then was simple.

Stay home.

Now, faced with the dawn of an era of non-Manning football, you libelously label some potential Peyton landing sites, Missouri, Tennessee, and Arizona, as “Hootervilles”.

I hold no particular brief for Missouri but any state that can give us Harry Truman and Rush Limbaugh can’t be all bad.

It will take decades to wipe clean the stain on Tennessee’s escutcheon caused by it being the home state of Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA Alpha Gump. Only the presence of the champion of trickle down distilling, Jack Daniel’s, lightens the effects of the curse of Goredom.

As to Arizona, it must be pointed out that it was a leader in multicultural, rainbow quilt diversity long before it was the “in” thing to do when it became the only state to name a county after a Native American. Don’t bother Googling it. Cochise County.

By the by, if your picks for “Hootervilles” are correct would Buffalo and Green Bay be the front runners for “Nowhereville”?

Of the 3 awards that I give from time to time you have just now earned 2.

The one that you didn’t win, HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK, would be an insult to your accomplishment. It would be like giving Seal Team 6 the award for perfect attendance.

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH & SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR, the 2 that you did win gave me the same knotted knicker feeling that Homer Simpson, the universal “Everyman”, had when he said “Don’t Make Me Choose”.

The solution was simple.

For suffering from a terminal case of “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, an always fatal infection caused by the dreaded hubris virus and one that is always associated with the ca-ca for brains modern American Liberals who occupy the vipers’ nest that is your editorial aerie, I award both of them to you.

Accordingly, and by the powers vested in me I name you

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

&

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

[Silly me! You may not know what “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” is. If you don’t send a SASE.]

Congratulations.

You got them the old fashioned way.

You earned them!



Kevin Smith