Jonathan Alter, Newsweek

February 17, 2008

Johnathan Alter

Newsweek

PO Box 2120

Radio City Station

New York, New York 10101-2120

RE: Pay attention

Mr. Alter,

Marley said, “Save yourself” to his friend Ebenezer.

I wrote to Bart Giamatti to tell him not to worry about Pete Rose. “Stop smoking, hit the salad bar, skip the Ben & Jerry’s” is what I told him.

I told Maynard Jackson that Julianne Malveaux’s special diet, the one with the lard IV, the egg nog enemas, the pizza with the melted butter, and the crème brulee implants was only for Clarence Thomas.

Neither of them listened. Look what happened.

I look at your pictures and I think it’s time for an intervention.

I don’t know why you insist on Weed Whacking your head. Maybe you’re mad because the surge is working. Quien sabe? Maybe you think that the world has figured out that you are a horse’s ass of heroic, perhaps biblical, proportions. I know that the next step is putting your head in the Cuisinart or a Kitchen Aid blender. Perhaps an Aaxon commercial dryer is the next cry for help.

No good can come from this.

Pay attention. As a certified “life coach” I know these things.

Save yourself.