March 21, 2017

Councilman Zeke Does Cohen

100 N. Holiday Street #400

Baltimore, MD 21202

RE: Does putz mean the same in Baltimore as it does in Florida?

Councilman Cohen,

I just heard you say, inter alia, that the population of Baltimore went from 1,000,000 to 650,000. Wrong, you schmuck! It went to 620,000. [To a modern American Liberal 30,000 non-aborted people is a rounding error. Have you noticed that cities run by modern American Liberals are hemorrhaging people like a reverse Topsy? Not wishing to confuse correlation and causation only a dunce would fail to notice the connection.]

Then I heard you say that students who can’t speak English make the schools they attend better. Would not Logic dictate that First Aid classes would be better if gun-shot victims and myocardial infarction cases were real? Only a really smart person, one who believes deeply that you can give tax cuts to people with no income, could spew such dreck.

No wonder the Colts went over the hill. They knew that somebody like you would be coming along.

Then I heard you say that Federal agents, particularly people charged with enforcing immigration law, people like those who snatched up Elian Gonzales at gunpoint in the middle of the night – Remember? – are like Nazis, particularly the Gestapo. HOW GOD DAMN DARE YOU!. 

Then you mentioned Willy Horton.

 It is owed to the ledger to note that Willy Boy was imprisoned in Massachusetts for rape and murder. Governor Michael Dukakis, a fervent believer in “There is no such thing as a bad boy”, gave him a week-end furlough. He went to Maryland where he, surprisingly, raped and murdered again. 

 Do you suppose that maybe, just maybe, there are bad boys? [It is anathema for mALs to believe in the existence of evil. All crime is caused by poverty, domestic instability, cruel big business, uncaring governments, and taxes that are far too low. Trump’s presence makes it worse. One good thing Trump has done is to make Bush 43 look good. Go figure.

 It is an observable fact that the world is filled with Screwtapes and Wormwoods. Having ignored them for so, so long you find yourself in “a time of endless peril”. Your solution to the critically ill patient – 50 years in intensive care with no improvement – is double the amount and triple the toxicity of the Kool-Aid in his IV.

For the above, even though it is only March, I name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

And yes, putz means the same up there as it means down here. The same for schmuck.

Kevin Smith

PS – What percentage of the feral youths roaming your city like rabid dogs live in public housing? Do you think there might be a connection? Here’s a solution. Raise the minimum wage. How about $22.50 an hour? That will solve the problem, right?