March 29, 2017

If you chomped deeply into the 

GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction

                                                              turd pie you loved the Bermuda Triangle, right?

 Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster were big on your wish list. Has anyone seen Bridey Murphy recently? When you were a kid did you want a chemistry set so you could change clay into gold? I did. How about the machine that changed a dollar bill into a twenty? I still have instructions for proving that if you have 2 good hands you have 11 fingers. Interested? Send $10 and a SASE. 

I always watch the half-time show of the Rose Bowl in anticipation of a friggin’ flying saucer landing and a roly-poly dude with 3 legs, a mouth on the top of his head, and one arm consisting of a large middle finger, permanently extended, getting out and asking “What happened to the Green Bay Packer sweep?”

Maybe next year.

Speaking of the Bermuda Triangle…. call American Airlines and see if any of their planes are unaccounted for. Then try Royal Caribbean. Get back to me.

Did anyone die from eating Alar soaked apples, the ones that Meryl Streep warned us about?

Plato put one over on the world for 24 centuries. Atlantis. A real knee slapper. Look it up. He’s up with Zeus and the guys laughing his arse off.

Speaking of 20^th century pseudo-science…special mention should be paid to the t 3 Amigas. Rachel Carson, Margaret Mead, and Margaret Sanger. Frauds, yes. Charlatans and mountebanks, of course, but their real crime was murder. Carson killed more people than Stalin, Hitler, and Mao did. Outlawing DDT has caused the deaths of hundreds of millions of people. Mostly infants, and overwhelmingly 3^rd Worlders, their deaths are the result of 1^st Worlders, overwhelmingly White, wanting to feel warm and fuzzy. Margaret Mead, realizing early on, that there was not enough gin in Christendom for her to get and stay “lucky. She went to Samoa to learn the “horizontal tango”. Margaret Sanger’s theories on proper breeding and herd culling mead her Hitler’s favorite American. He based his 1934 race laws on her writings. A recent poll put her on the top of the Nazi pole, far ahead of the old corsair, Ambassador Joe Kennedy.

Anyway, Trump signing the executive order on climate stuff that undid the executive order – And why do I think this is not what James Madison had in mind? – signed by Usama Bahama Salalma, to cite one of Lard Kennedy’s introductions, struck a blow for the scientific method, rational discourse, clear thinking and against cant-laden mental diarrhea.

Yobama, knowing that he was paradigmatic template for “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome, said that Canute had noting on him. Drawing a red line in the sand, he said he would “calm the seas and cool the earth. Is it possible that hose things were written by Onion alumni?

Reductio became not quite so absurdum when fans of “Connect the Dots” figured out that people in South Florida, using electricity generated by burning coal to power their A/Cs, were drowning polar bears. Thinking globally but acting locally the immediate solution is obvious: A – Turn off all A/Cs. B – Dispose of them in an environmentally sensitive manner. C – Open the windows. D -Switch to caftans. You go first.

Whatever happened to Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc? Did a middle of the night executive order do away with it? Can it ever come back?

In 1968, back when LBJ was fighting 2 wars – The one in Vietnam and the one against poverty. At least the one in Vietnam ended. – Professor Paul Ehrlich, a multi-degreed dunce, told us that the race was on. We would either starve to death or we would be frozen solid. The finish line was the year 2000. As of this morning I am still calorically challenged and it’s time to change the A/C filters. And for some strange reason he blames the Roman Catholic church for the scenario. 

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr, the only man I know to flunk out of 2 graduate schools in the same semester, warned us for 35 years about the shrinking ozone layer. He warned us for 30 years, for 25 years, for 20 years, and then he stopped. [I did my part to either shrink the hole or make it larger, not being sure which was the worst, by squirting Right Guard deodorant out my bathroom window] He stopped because nothing happened. Ted Danson gave us 5 years to change our ways or the oceans would either turn into the Bonneville Salt Flats or would drown everyone in Denver. He gave us this warning in the 20^th century.

Do you remember the Kyoto Accords Treaty in 1995? Senator Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. now Vice President Alpha Gump, gave us this as our last chance to save the planet. It was not submitted to the Senate for its advice and consent. The reason it wasn’t was because the Senate had voted 95-0 against all the big ideas in it. Even Democrats had common sense them.

Although I am a First Amendment purist – If “Piss Christ” gets taxpayer subsidies for its road tours then we should be able to see the Mohammed cartoons -  there are some words that must be exiled when discussing climate. “Existential” must be stricken from the rolls. Sartre? Maritain? Uncle Tex the Weatherman? Kierkegaard? It’s so damn confusing. “Consensus of scientists” and “settled science” must be burned at the stake. Twice, just to be sure. Ptolemy posited a theorem about the earth and the sun that was “settled science”: for 15 centuries. That’s a millennium and a half. The “consensus of scientists” was absolute. There were no dissenting voices until one guy said, “pero si muove”. That day the world changed. Forever. It happens when “settled science” becomes unsettled.

It is a fact; indeed, it is a well-known fact, that umbrellas cause rain. You wouldn’t have rain if you didn’t have umbrellas.

Adults forget how to think. They substitute feelings and fantasies for Logic and ideas. The result is not just chaos in the real world, the world where “stones are hard and water is wet”, that world. It is the world where adults strive and sometimes thrive. They avoid sitting under the apple tree because “experience is sometimes the only teacher”. It is the world where effort is applauded and the world where results are rewarded.

Look out, Snowflakes!

There’s a new sheriff in town.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET