January 14, 2017l

Senator Kamala Harris

Washington, DC

RE:  No sense being a bit of a boob

Senator Harris,

Before I get to the main reason I am writing to you perhaps you can clear up a Democratic Congressional kerfluffle. It manifests itself by seeing how far up your ass – in your case I quickly add “shapely ass” – you can jam your head before you hit your back teeth.

When and how did the Russians become bad guys?

 Didn’t noted Democrat Alger Hiss devote his entire life, indeed to the point of sacrificing his freedom a la Gandhi and Mandela, to promoting  better Russkie/American relations? Didn’t Walter Duranty, noted Democrat ink stained wretch, implore us to give Joe Stalin the benefit of the doubt with regards to his controversial diet plan for Ukranian Jews? Didn’t noted Democratic community activists, Julie and Ethel Rosenberg, actually sacrifice their lives to better comity between the US and Russia? Didn’t Democratic dudgeon go off the scales when Rambo Reagan referred to peace loving Mother Russia as the “evil empire”?

When and how did it all go wrong?

Get back to me on this.

But I digress.

What a breath of fresh air you are! You were sworn into the United States Senate for less than an hour before you qualified as a contender for one or all of my highly prized laurels.

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

You go, girl! They are yours for the taking.

I am speaking of your interrogation of Congressman Mike Pompeo who was nominated to run the CIA by soon to be President Donald Trump. I watched, awe struck, and listened, dumb struck, as you asked him with no sense of satire, wit, or absurdity if climate change caused people to become terrorists. God’s Holy Trousers but you said that on national television. 

To be specific, 8 years after we were told that the seas would become calm and the earth would cool that a false spring, an early winter, and a pissed off El Nino turned peace loving WOGs into radical Islamic terrorists.

Did you eat a lot of lead paint when you were a kid?

Are you saying that a lingering Indian Summer can make people fly airplanes into buildings, can make people behead or crucify people who go to a different church or who say, aloud, that maybe Allah ain’t so friggin” Akbar?  

Even for a modern American Liberal from California that’s dumb. 

The great Dr. Johnson said “such stupidity is not to be found in nature”.

He never met you.

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

anuary 1, 2017

Boss Fiedler,

Many thanks for sending me the article in America by James Martin, S.J. Since I am not yet fully returned to the arena of sharpened quills bespeaking a sharper tongue a minor indulgence is granted to you for this corporal work of mercy. Do I hear a “Deus vult” calling for a return to the Church Militant?   

First, let me ask as a quasi-practicing R.C. – alas, “R” is shorthand for retired – what in the name of the Hell fires of Gehenna happened in the last 8 years? Curley Biden, Barbara Mikulski, Jay Forbes Kerry, Carolyn Maloney, myriad Kennedys – dead or alive, Andrew Cuomo, Chris Matthews, General Dempsey, John Brennan, Jerry Brown, Nancy Pelosi, Janet Napolitano, Brian Williams – God’s Holy Trousers! They are all Catholics, aren’t they? Weren’t they in charge?  How did things get so bad? Latent Albijensianism? Manicheanism? Franciscans and Dominicans squabbling again? Sacerdotal paedophilia? Vatican 2?

I am afraid to look. Please tell me that the “earth has cooled” and that the “sea is calm”. We were promised that, weren’t we?

In 1992 Hillary Clinton volunteered to sit on Ray Rector’s lap while her husband, Governor Handsome Billy from Hot Springs, King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, wired his sad-sacked, sorry Black ass to 50 12 volt batteries to show that modern American Liberal Governors could be tough on crime. R3 is worth a Google glance. His execution is on par with Billy Budd or Breaker Morant. 

I’ll say this for him. He refused Hillary’s request to whack Sister Souljah. Good on him.

Speaking of Black folk, was Willie Horton guilty of anything other than being a victim of life’s circumstances? Why was he in the pokey? Not having proof of insurance? Not picking up Bowser’s poopY? Thinking ill of Teddy? In 1996 Hillary Clinton spoke of inner city feral youth – that’s dog whistle shorthand for Blacks – as “predators”. Was 1996 the year she condemned sodomy, pederasty, and old fashioned buggery while ducking incoming artillery in Serbia? That was the year she discovered the “vast Right-Wing conspiracy”, right  

Let’s jump ahead.

Donald Trump may be the worst President ever.

Hillary Clinton would have been the worst person – ever and ever, amen – to have been elected President.

Besides, he will get to pick the Judges.

She won’t.

Life is good. 

Since hubris at least equal to Icarus seems not to have impeded Father Martin let me toss a few good marks from my post-mortem RC CV: Lay missionary in Mexico. Peace Corps Volunteer. Big time job creator. Lower case philantrophist. [Project Children, Covenant House, lots and lots of starving Africans, the Wall Street Fund, rescue squads and animal shelters, many political action groups, scholarships in my father’s name at my alma mater.]

If I don’t say it who will? Besides, “modesty is an overrated virtue”.

Speaking of “settled science”…whatever happened to Ptolemy? How about Fred Hoyle? Paul Ehrlich? Alpha Gump? 

Can you tell me why, 163 years after it was first posited, during which time we bitch slapped gravity, went to the moon and came back, perfected the TV remote after inventing TV, Zippo lighters, the Salk vaccine, light beer, scratch that last one, leisure suits, Faulkner’s Nobel Speech, the Bermuda Triangle, the survival and coming triumph of “fly-over country”, Tom Wolfe, the infield fly rule, mutually agreed upon horizontal tangos, Texas barbecue, hugging granddaughters, pre-boarding, and single malt whiskys, evolution is still called a theory. I quickly add that my wife would then say, “That’s why people never ask us back.” 

2 weeks ago I summoned my favorite Eye-Tie climatologist, Professor Vivaldi, to celebrate climate change. I speak to him every 3 months. When I speak to the more zealous Fascist tree huggers I begin with a 

If part of my Purgatory is to include a weekend canoeing with Father Martin I shall request a large can of industrial air freshener because he is afflicted with “terminal non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. From my end of the canoe he turns my blue eyes brown.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET