Sheriff Scott Israel Broward Sheriff’s Office

November 26, 2012

Sheriff Scott Israel
Broward Sheriff’s Office
Broward Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33312

RE: It it’s kosher for her it can’t be trayf for me. You did say that you wanted to make the Sheriff’s Office more diverse, didn’t you?

Sheriff Israel,

Accept my congratulations on your election. Sheriff Lamberti, unlike his predecessor, was a man of honor who served his constituents well. Allah willing you should do so.

Although I did not vote for you I have the macho chutzpah of someone born and raised on the mean streets of Bayonne, NJ. Thus, I am able to ask you for a favor.

On November 13th , in the Sun Sentinel, there was a marvelous photograph of 2 BSO deputies, men with badges and guns, escorting Congressperson Debbie Wasserman-Schultz on her long and treacherous walk from the x-ray machine to her departure gate at Fort Lauderdale Airport. One of them actually carried her small carry on bag to lighten her burden, a burden mostly consisting of whispering into the King’s ear. Why do I believe that she says “Yes you can” when the question of whether or not the rising and falling of tides is something that can be done by fiat by the time of the next “Summer of Recovery”?

Because of the above a minor flap, a Broward County political flap, a flap with a half-life of 48 hours, came and went down the memory hole so favored by modern American Liberals that it were as if it never happened.

I wrote a letter – copy enclosed – to the Sun Sentinel in re their editorial on the above mentioned lower case brouhaha. It was quickly consigned to the round file designated for curmudgeons, particularly erudite and literate ones.

In it I mention my various physical ailments. It is not for nothing that Broward County is also known as “God’s Waiting Room”. To the listed woes I can now add COPD. If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself. COPD has its own COPAY.

I chant the mantra of “equal protection”. If you can help her you can help me.

I am visiting my Texas Ladies for Christmas.

I will be flying from Ft. Lauderdale in mid-December. As my letter of 11/13/12 says, I have had cancer 3 times. I have congestive heart failure. My 2 titanium hips now have a new inorganic joint to gambol with; i.e. a metal knee I need but drive by the airport to set off the alarms. I have a magnificent scar on my head from cancer #3 that is perpetually viewable. If I wear shorts the scar from my knee replacement glows in the dark. You’ll have to take my word for the congestive heart failure and the treacherous COPD.

I am requesting a handicap accessible BSO van to get me to the airport. Like ex-Sheriff and now ex-con Kenny Boy Jenne, AKA Emperor Kenneth the Short, I would like you to help me jump the line so as to avoid the masses of tourists leading lives of quiet desperation as they buggylug their impedimenta through the airport.

So as to help you decide this matter in my favor I present 2 previously unused markers.

#! – My grandfather’s badge number was 291. He was on the job for 37 years.

#2 – There was a “1013” at the Essex County Court House in Newark, NJ at 11:14 AM on June 3rd, 1993 . 2 policemen were shot. One was dead before he hit the ground. One was hit in the sternum from 15 feet. That bullet, fired from a .357 Colt magnum, put a hole in his chest the size of a .25 cent coin. It traveled upward hitting his right shoulder. It then traveled downward became lodged behind his right elbow. I testified at the trial that convicted the police officer’s killer. I saved the life of the other officer who, 18 months later, danced at my daughter’s wedding.

Please have your office contact me to make all the arrangements. Also, please tell me if you have a new policy on tipping.

Kevin Smith