April 19, 2015

Fred Grimm

The Miami Herald

RE: Time to say goodbye – Some comments on your unlinkable homage to jackassery in today’s Miami Herald opinion section.

Mr. Reaper,

Enough with the freakin’ manatees!

I single out these useless sea slugs because, if Darwin is right, maybe it’s time for those useless sea slugs to go; to go, as in extinct. The world has, so far, survived the unlamented loss of pterodactyls, assorted T-Rexes, and Neanderthals. Look it up, you boob.

Guilty White people will have to find a new way to recycle their 10 day old arugula and radicchio other than feeding these creatures. There is an unexpected benefit of cutting down our collective carbon footprint by not driving to an overpass and holding up traffic while disposing of unwanted Swiss chard, kale, and tofu.

Your lachrymose description of the tough times faced by panthers, black bears, wood storks, and sea turtles is touching. It is also Homerically dumb because, in its essence, it is anti-rational and anti-human.

The North Star of consistency common in the genetic makeup of modern American Liberals, a disproportionately addled group, is that the wretched excesses of the uber rich are what cause, in addition to putting out hit squads for barely animate flotsam and jetsam, rage in the ghetto, despair in Section 8 housing, long lines in clinics,

overburdened and underfunded public transit, a loss of “fairness”, teenage obesity and bullying, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and may be the underlying cause of why feral Muslim thugs don’t like us. 

It is owed to the ledger to say that the collateral damage caused by the Koch Brothers war on manatees was the loss of Midnight Basketball. “Hands Up” on defense and “Shoot” on offense is still good advice.

Woe betide the vulnerable sea slug if gazillioniares George Soros, Steven Spielberg, and Tom Steyer decide to try to break the sound barrier in their yachts on Biscayne Bay. In addition, we have to endure the 4^th generation of Kennedys, all proud members of the Lucky Sperm Club, flying gas guzzling private jets, to hector us on the evils of capitalism and the dangers of vaccination.

Logical thinkers who read your column have no choice but to believe that if the society that countenances a precious few to be uncommonly “lucky in life’s lottery”, to fill their garages with Bentleys and Maseratis, to get carpal tunnel syndrome from wearing multiple Rolexes, and for regarding farting through silk to be essential, is turned upside down the manatees will thrive, the children will dance, and the voice of the turtle will be heard in the land. 

It is an inconvenient truth but rich people hire poor people for 2 reasons: #1 is to enjoy the pleasures of being rich and #2 is to get richer. Poor people work for rich people for 2 reasons: #1 is to pay their own way and #2 is to get rich themselves.

If we get rid of the rich who will pay to take care of the manatees? 

Somebody has to change the oil in all those Bentleys. The poor in this country tend to smoke and drink beer. The more people who change oil in the Bentleys the more cigarettes and beer they will be able to buy. The more they buy the more taxes they will pay. A carton of smokes and a case of beer a week and we can have manatee pre-school.

But I digress.

Your concern for bears and panthers is touching. Why not alligators? They share on common trait. The want to catch you, kill you, and eat you.

I know that the dramatic increase in the number of undocumented alien pythons must make you tumescent. That’s what happens when you substitute feelings for ideas.

That’s what happens when you believe that Bambi is a great movie.

Accordingly, and by the powers of the office vested in me, I name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK 

[FOREVER]

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Manatee suffrage and a 105% top tax rate are sure winners in 2016, don’t you think?