Wednesday, January 24, 2018

January 23, 2018

Scott Jordan – Boob in Charge
SCOTTeVEST
Ketchum, ID 83340

Mr. Jordan,

Since I know that “modesty is an overrated virtue” I can tell you with 100% metaphysical certitude – “metaphysical”? Send a SASE – that I am not, as you say of Fox News watchers, a “fucking idiot”. Why just yesterday I discussed the 25-century old pissing contest between Antigone and Creon over conflicting rights - You remember that one, don’t you, you twit? – with my internist.

As Vegas people are wont - “wont”? Send a SASE – to say, I may be making my point the hard way but as a Jeopardy alumnus I try top make sure the “lesser breeds” – e.g. that’s short for examplia gratia, you boob – supposed businessmen who not only insult existing customers but go out of their way to insult future customers in a Brobdanaglian manner {“Brobdanaglian”? Send a SASE}- thereby insuring that they won’t use some of their tax cut money to buy some of your products. I fear I may be going too fast for you so I will type more slowly.

Having “created” – “created”? Send a SASE -  a bit more than 400 jobs in Ohio, West Virginia, Kentucky, New Mexico, and New York, I know what it takes to sign both sides of a pay check. I found out that I didn’t get paid to sell something to people but rather I got paid to find people to sell something to.

While it is an empirical – “empirical”? Send a SASE – truism that you can’t sell from an empty wagon it is equally true that you will come up short if no one walks past your wagon, no matter how filled it may be.

I going to go out on a limb here but I believe that you are a guilt-ridden modern American Liberal who can can’t stand playing with a lead because it is so unfair to those who are “unlucky in life’s lottery”. Your one sure way to “level the playing field” is to make sure that you have no future customers. That will show your solidarity with the 99%ers.

 How many ways can I define “putz”?

Accordingly, and in recognition of your Homeric – “Homeric”? Send a SASE -  feats, feats that rival the cleansing of the Augean stables – “Augean stables” Send a SASE – I hereby name you the winner of my most prestigious awards. It takes someone who walks with 7 League Boots – “7 League Boots”? Send a SASE – to score a rare Triple Crown. 



HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR



And considering it’s still January the last award is worthy of note.








Kevin Smith






PS – Since I won’t be buying anything from you I will this day be buying some Clark Bars and some Lifebuoy soap from the Vermont Country Store. In the past I have found out that they offer good products that are hard to come by at a fair price and, most importantly, they don’t call me a “fucking idiot” when I do business with them. 
PPS – Send a very big envelope, you shit head. In fact, send a big box, a very big box, shit for brains. Change SASE to SASVBB, you dunce.


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