Navy beat Army on Saturday but can they beat the Manatees?

December 14, 2009

Navy beat Army on Saturday but can they beat the Manatees?

As bad as trying those WOG terrorists in Manhattan will be this is worse.

Friends of the Manatees, or so the Sun-Sentinel tells us this morning, are suing the United States Navy. It seems that their big bad nuclear submarines, the ones that emit death rays that diminish the libidos of the big buck males and cause the cows to shun estrus, are acting as home wreckers.

Would it cause me to be stoned by the “Trousered Apes” who proclaim that Nature is All if I were to say that maybe it’s time for these uglisome hazards to navigation to go, as in extinct? If it weren’t for ohmadahnish bi-peds throwing week old cabbages at them they would have long ago starved.

Speaking of starving, why don’t the alligators take them out? How about loosing some Burmese pythons or, better still, their nastier cousins, the anacondas in the manatee pre-school? Has anybody thought about training some endangered Florida panthers to do their duty?

13 years ago I presented a plan that I was certain would gain national prestige. Since it was presented at the same time that “Midnight Basketball” was offered as sound public policy I thought I would be “Man of the Year” among the few remaining rational adults.

It was simple.

Gather up all the rotten vegetables south of Charleston and bring them here.

Use them for chum everywhere these dullards float. [Who says I am against sound re-cycling?]

Keep herding them into bigger groups in smaller areas. It works with 4 legged cows. Why shouldn’t it work with these bricks?

Force them into 20 foot diameter floating Cuisinarts.

SAUSAGE FOR THE HOMELESS!

I don’t know why it never gained traction.






I tell you that are people in caves in Kafiristan who hear of this story and proclaim that Allah is really, really Ahkbar.

The idea of a Zip-Loc bag and food for dogs and Mozart and leisure suits and representative democracy and microwave pop corn and Zippo lighters and women yelling at men in public and Ronald McDonald and the cathedral at Chartres and James Joyce and barbed wire and synchronized swimming and people shaking their fists at their governments and keeping them attached to their wrists and men always yearning, always striving to be free is alien to these murderers as a pulled pork sandwich.

“The infidels are worried about 1000 pound blobs who think that the high point of their existence is to swim into a whirling propeller. We dream about tearing the finger nails off women who use nail polish. We dream about cutting the heads off unbelievers. We dream of killing all the Jews. We dream of the glorious times before plastic. We will win because God is on our side. I know this because people who build machines that can send men to the moon and bring them back don’t think that way unless Allah, and blessed be his Name, wants them to. Surely the hand of God is present when men who made the atoms dance say that an animal is worth more than their security.”

Somewhere close the 13th Imam is gathering strength. Somewhere close he is waiting to be called to power. The virgins are being gathered up for the martyrs. Who would have thought that a manatee would be this generation’s John the Baptist?

Soon, they will have no guards on the towers. Soon, they will leave the gates open. In the end we will walk in.






Kevin Smith