Blake Gopnik The Washington Post

December 2, 2010

Blake Gopnik
The Washington Post
1159 15th Street NW
Washington, DC 20017

RE: Is sauce for the goose still sauce for the gander? Some comments on your article about the ant covered crucifix exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery.

Mr. Gopnik,

First, let me tell you that you have surged to the front in the race for the coolest name in the media. I hope you didn’t change it

I am an absolutist when it comes to the First Amendment. I hark back to former Ku Klux Klan member Justice Hugo Black. He would take out an old copy of the Constitution and ask counsel if the words “Congress shall make no law…” were still there.

Three times I have had policemen – to be precise, men with guns and badges and the majesty of the Government – come to my house because of something I wrote to public officials.

One of them actually said, “You’re not in trouble”. I said, “What do you mean I’m not in trouble? You have a badge and a fucking gun. What do you mean I’m not in trouble?”

I live in Broward County, Florida. With the possible exception of one of Nancy Pelosi’s soon to ended exciting flying adventures there is no more modern American Liberal place in America. We are 2, maybe 3 election cycles away from manatee suffrage. 5th trimester abortions are available to qualified buyers. Kumbaya is sung before the Broward County Commission convenes. The Pledge of Allegiance is verboten. Instead, a mixed group of non-gendered vocalists warble “Bush deficits are bad but Obama deficits are good” to the original tune of “I Dreamed I Saw Joe Hill”. The newest school is named after Henry Wallace. Full disclosure demands that I tell you that it is as ethically challenged as any governing body to be found in Hudson County or Cook County. We may soon have a majority of its members in the pokey.

I tell you this because I am at a loss to explain why I cannot get support for my First Amendment Celebration Festival.

My idea was to burn an American flag on the steps of the Federal Court House on Broward Boulevard at noon on July 4th. Inside the flag would be copies of the Holy Bible and the Sacred Koran. Should the fire get out of control I would have some bottles filled with pee to put it out.




Not one politician, city, county, state, or national has come forward to help me with this.

Almost free is like almost pregnant or almost malignant. There is no middle ground. If there were you could be almost a virgin, or almost pregnant, or the tumor could be almost malignant. There ain’t no Mulligans either.

That’s why, based on your article, I know you’ll support my plan for a “Let Freedom Ring” exhibit at the Smithsonian.

It will be a healthy mixture of the past, the present, and the future.

Start with the Mohammed cartoons. Let’s show Allah being not so Akbar when he is shagging sheep, little girls, or little girls dressed as sheep.

Andres Serrano hung a crucifix in a see through vat of urine. In this he was partly subsidized by the American taxpayer.

Let’s hang an Islamic Crescent in a see through vat of urine. Not just itinerant pee but pee collected from Orthodox Jews at the loo by the Western Wall. We can have a Robert Mapplethorpe wanabee photograph it. Cool so far, right?

Let’s update “Corpus Cristi”. That is the play, an American taxpayer supported play, which has as its major premise the little known fact that Jesus and Judas were canoodling each other up and down the Hershey Highway under the table at the Last Supper. They had a spat, a lovers’ quarrel, if you will; Judas dropped a dime on him; the Eye-Ties crucified Jesus the next day. Hence the title “Corpus Cristi”.

A lot, a lot being defined as more than 1,000,000,000, of people believe that Jesus is divine. That Christians have not risen up in righteous indignation is proof of our maturity as a people. Lest we forget, the Divine Comedy wasn’t exactly a best seller when it came out in 1321.

A lot, a lot being defined as more than 1,000,000,000, of people believe that Allah is divine. Let’s turn Jesus into Allah. Let’s have Him being canoodled under the Rock by someone named Shylock using lard as a KY substitute.

That’s only fair, right?

I think it’s time to bring back the word diorama.


Isn’t this something that modern American Liberals would love to support? They spend a lot of time telling the Right-Wing troglodytes that there can be no limits to the frontiers of art. If artistic expression is suppressed anywhere, and particularly in the nation’s capitol, it is suppressed everywhere. It might be a hard sell for the first 2 or 3 centuries at the big Odeon in Medina but it’s for their own good, isn’t it?

If Catholics can be made to understand that artistic medicine, medicine prescribed by their betters, is good for them why can’t the Muslims? Quien sabe? It might bring the Sunnis and the Shias together.

In a world filled with “Trousered Apes” you have a chance to strike a blow for freedom. Won’t you join in my great crusade – OOPS! Bad word when we’re talking about the Fuzzy Wuzzies. Make that endeavor – to make them better people?

One small thing. Your negative example of censorship is not quite spot on.

“Goya’s great nudes? Gone.
The Inquisition called them porn.”

You should have made it clearer that you didn’t mean Francisco Goya. His paintings paralleled the Peninsula War featuring Napoleon. That was a bit more than 2 centuries ago. You may have meant Murray Ladron Goya, his black sheep great, great, great uncle who was wounded at Lepanto. Perhaps you meant his son from the other side of the blanket, Momzer Goya. In addition to being an artist who painted in the nude, he was in piece goods. Either one is more than 4 centuries ago. Too bad there is no Fact Check to go with Spell Check.





Kevin Smith





PS – Speaking of the Inquisition, here’s a question that can be used as a tie breaker at a Trivia throw down that really, really smart people so enjoy. In the 16th century which country – Spain or England - killed more people for religious reasons? If you don’t know send a SASE.