Douglas House The Miami Herald

December 1, 2010

Douglas House
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, FL 33132-1693

RE: Unemployment “benefits”, Broken Windows, Candle makers – Some comments on your marvelous column on the heretofore unknown economic benefits of a successful anti-gravity machine.

Mr. Hanks,

“The World Turned Upside Down” is a military march made immortal in 1781. It was the tune played by the British Army, commanded by Lord Cornwallis, as they marched out of Yorktown after surrendering their redoubt.

I mention this because the only way to make any sense at your entire article calling for eternal unemployment benefits is to assume that an “Upside World” is now the norm. It gives new meaning to the term “paradigm shift”.

If, as you say, extending unemployment benefits to beyond the horizon is the key to reviving the economy would not Logic dictate that they be made as permanent as Mount Rushmore?

Your arguments, straight forward as they are, are slightly askew. In fact, they are upside down through the Looking Glass and chockablock straight into the Land of Oz.

You say that the unemployed, rather than feeding their undernourished 401Ks to finance their golden years, put the unemployment cash straight back into the economy.

In your words….

“The money ripples through the economy, into supermarkets,
gasoline stations, utilities, convenience stores. That allows those
businesses to hire more people, who, in turn hire more people.”

Following your path to boom times may I suggest that once a month we all rob a bank. Naturally enough, we’ll have to make a getaway. 3 out of the 4 examples you use will benefit. I’ll load up on snacks. I’ll be constantly filling my gas tank and I’ll be stopping at the 7-11 to get my copy of the Wall Street Journal to see how the economy is doing.

If becoming a full time yegg is too big a step for you I suggest you follow the advice of Freddy Bastiat, another proud son of Bayonne.



Break some windows. In fact, break all the windows. Think of the immediate economic benefits. Think not just of glaziers. That is obvious, too obvious.

Handy men with brooms at the ready will benefit. Insurance adjusters whose only tool is a check book will benefit. Factories making glass will benefit. People feeding the factory workers who make the glass will benefit. Truckers who ship the glass will benefit. They need food, fuel, clothes, and entertainment. Cash strapped municipalities who can finance their deficit with speeding tickets on the truckers who ship the glass will benefit. The bumper sticker makers whose only bumper sticker reads “Shovel Ready” will benefit. At some point everybody will sue everybody else so the lawyers will benefit .The people who provide security at the court houses will benefit because of the increased traffic and the possibility of over time. Maybe some unemployed gropers from the TSA can get a second chance. The lawyers will need new suits to go to court so the clothing manufacturers will benefit. Good lawyers will need good restaurants so the servers will benefit. Meat, fish, and whiskey drummers who sell to restaurants will benefit.

All this from an outbreak of broken windows? Indeed.

In fact, in less than 6 months we will all be farting through silk.

If we extend the unemployment benefits – now more than 4 times their original contractual obligation – benefits as you tell us that are instantly injected into the economy I will gladly sell the undeserving poor some bricks. I offer instant credit. Enough bricks through enough windows and we will be on the yellow brick road to the land of milk and honey. When we get there it will non-stop “rainbow stew” and non-stop “balloon juice” rides.

Where can I send you your complimentary brick? You can be like Moses. You throw first. We will all follow.


“Such stupidity, sir, is not found in Nature.”




Kevin Smith


PS – It may be time to update the “Candle Makers’ Petition to Block Out the Sun”, don’t you think?