Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

July 18, 2011

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Democratic National Committee
430 Capitol Street, NE
Washington, DC 20003

RE: Reporting for duty, frau oberst!

Dearest Debbie,
Who says you can’t learn from a card carrying modern American Liberal? Not I, at least not anymore.
In February, 2009 Congressman Ron Klein spoke to a group of blue collar factory workers in Pompano Beach. These are the kind of people who drive 11 year old cars, send their kids to public schools, know all the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, and know how to use coupons. Limousine Liberals, people like you, like to adopt them for political purposes.
Congressman Klein, your former colleague, told these workers to be “the eyes and ears of the Obama Stimulus Program”. Honest.
Using that as precedent I hereby volunteer to be your “eyes and ears” in your never ending search for the “bile and vitriol that is tearing us apart”.
Here is my first report.
Several days ago, Bill Maher, a man on the short list to be the keynote speaker at next year’s Democratic Convention, had a man named Marc Moron on his show. He said that he would “like to fuck Michelle Bachman angrily”. While modern American Liberals believe profiling is wrong an exception may be made here.
At the very least Mr. Moron should be asked to explain – How about in front of a Federal Grand Jury? – the “bilious vitriol” that threatens a sitting member of Congress. Unlike Jared Loughner, the man who shot your other colleague, Congresswoman Giffords, the man who until it was shown that he had snakes for brains, was inspired, as you said, by Rush Limbaugh, the Koch Brothers, the Tea Party, and the survivors of the original “vast Right-Wing conspiracy” to shoot a sitting member of Congress. Mr. Moron seems to be in full control of his faculties.

I don’t know if rape falls under the bile category or if it is more properly described by vitriol, its evil twin. I do know that a sitting member of Congress has been publically threatened with it. Would not common sense and a respect for the collegiality that is supposed to be double-helixed into the warp and the woof of Congress command you to “drop a dime” on this Trousered Ape? After all, you sent the cops, men with badges and guns, after me for suggesting that your politics and policies were a bit stupid.
Men with badges and guns, men with the full force and majesty of the law behind them, came to my house to inquire about something I wrote about you. “Slippery slope” and “chilling effect” notwithstanding, I do believe that I would have been hauled out of my home in cuffs if either of the policemen, Agent Mineva in particular, thought I was hatching a plot to rape you. [I absolutely waive my 5th Amendment rights and declare that at no time – before, during, and since – was rape ever on my mind. What’s the opposite of Viagra?]
On the same show gay rights activist Dan Savage said “I sometimes think about fucking the shit out of Rick Santorum”. Far be it for me to say that homosexual rape is different from heterosexual rape but listening to these two modern American Liberal favorites I don’t think I would want or would want any member of my family to be a catcher on any javelin team featuring Mr. Moron or Mr. Savage. I imagine that “don’t ask, don’t tell” may have reached its natural limits here but that’s a tale – tail? – for a different time. Do you suppose the irenic Savage cut his teeth, so to speak, at the Barney Frank Happy Bottom French Knocking Shoppe? Just kidding…maybe.
Anyway, you can count on me to be your “eyes and ears”. I add that is passing strange that modern American Liberals, a loosely defined cabal of which you are the chief doyenne, want citizens to snitch on fellow citizens. I don’t think Lillian Hellman, and if there is a better definition of modern American Liberal than she I don’t want to see it, would approve. Thank God that she is still dead!
I think Lord Barack the Beneficent, your main airborne squeeze, should walk back his “don’t bring a knife to a gunfight”. On the other hand maybe he can use it the next time he talks to House Republicans. Michelle Bachman comes to mind.


Kevin Smith