Michael Putney The Miami Herald

July 13, 2011

Michael Putney
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, FL 33132-1693

RE: No questions for Rick Scott? Some answers for Mikey Putney

Mr. Putney,
Ouch!
The governor stood you up?
I volunteer to fill in for him. I have more hair than he does plus I would make a better guest.
I spent time as a missionary in rural Mexico. I was hit in the head by a policeman during a Civil Rights march. Neither the Marines nor the Army wanted me. I am an alumnus of Outward Bound. I know why Oedipus went to Colonnus. I “created” infinitely more jobs in the 1980s than all of the companies on the DJIA. I am a world class hackle raiser plus a much envied buckler of swashes. I am an alumnus of Jeopardy. I saved a policeman’s life. I testified at the murder trial of the man who shot the one I couldn’t save. Tom Fiedler has tolerated me since 1997. I have actually read Keynes. I never confuse Chiaroscuro and Caravaggio. I once was paid $5,000 for lunch. I have been 1000 feet underground mining for coal. I owned North American rights to 47 English movies. The only significant sale we made was to WCIX-TV, a Spanish language station in Miami. I can’t understand why my manatee sausage program for the homeless never caught on. I spent 7 years on trial in Federal Tax Court. I “focus on the absurd lest reality drive me mad”.
Those are some of the reasons why I look at your column today like a big bad wolf looks at Bo Peep’s sheep.
#1 – High Speed Rail –Please show me somewhere where this has worked. Cost overruns and astronomical operating expenses are never mentioned. I mention them because in the real world, “the solid world where stones are hard and water is wet”, these things matter. Government conducts its business in a place where the rules governing gravity are suspended. Sometimes “shovel ready” isn’t quite as “shovel ready” as people who dine daily on “rainbow stew” would have us believe. I confess that I am not the first person to say that this month.
You say “a lot of us want it [it being tax dollars sent to DC where they are recycled back to us minus the ATM fee] back for useful, productive projects”. Would you care to mention a few?
Johnny couldn’t read before the Department of Education was begun. How is that working out? How much electricity has the Department of Energy produced since it’s been here? Crop prices are at all-time highs. Is that because of or in spite of the Department of Agriculture? Deep six those dinosaurs.
Pass the word. I just solved the Federal debt ceiling crisis. Speaking of which, I tell you that as a former CFO of a public company it should be a flogging offense for a CEO to announce that if he can’t roll over some paper on a Tuesday he can’t meet current obligations on a Wednesday. If anything his cash flow position is improved because he’s not making any note payments.
#2 – I ran 2 nursing homes in the 1980s. Inter alia, I could get a Federally guaranteed mortgage on a golf course if the property was contiguous to mine. Nursing home honchos never drive small cars. The more expensive the car the bigger the Federal reimbursement, it becoming part of your cost basis. This was 25 years ago. Why do I know it hasn’t changed?
#3 – Private sector vs. Public sector – When it “absolutely, positively has to get there” where do you go? FedEx or UPS, right?
The Post Office is analogous to public education. Let us stipulate that many bright, hardworking people work in both places. A system that can neither reward excellence nor punish failure is destined, in fact it is preordained, for failure.
#4 – As a big time media mogul, even if it is the “lamestream” media, maybe you can tell me what happened to the War on Poverty. Thucydides tells us that the Athenians and the Spartans settled their differences in less time than we have been fighting this troll. We have had 47 years to pick the “useful, productive programs”. Can you name two? Have you heard anything about an “exit strategy”? Maybe it’s time for a “surge”. How will we know when we win? Will we all be farting through silk? Here’s a thought. Let’s raise taxes. That’s always “created” jobs, hasn’t it?
In my life time, until the arrival of the great Reagan, the United States government did 2 things superbly well: A – Fighting World war 2 and - B – Being the General Contractor on the moon shot.
#5 – Where would you have Governor Scott sign his bills? Why not have Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz host a reception? I mention her because I get to tell of the time when she sent policemen, men with guns and badges, agents of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, to my house because of something I wrote. Don’t you just love it when modern American Liberals proclaim their belief in free speech? I’ll risk the “chilling effect” of being out on that “slippery slope” but that Hecate is, at heart, a friggin’ Nazi.
#6 – Spending cuts, particularly painful ones – You don’t say who should get the last bucks in the state budget. Should Farm Share, a presumably not-for-profit entity that feeds poor people, or the Dan Marino Foundation, a presumably not-for-profit entity that tends afflicted children, get the money? Who gets to pick? You? Me? The guy behind the tree? Who gets to pick who gets to pick?
Last summer candidate Scott went all over the state, on his own dime, telling people what he would do if they elected him. He was elected. As Governor he is doing what he promised he would do. The Constitution guarantees Florida a republican form of government. The people have spoken just like they spoke in 2008. They will have a chance to correct any mistakes that they have made. These self-correcting mechanisms are called elections
I can’t wait for ObmaCare to be run by DMV and TSA rejects
Elections as well as ideas have consequences.
Single malt whiskys enhance conversation. What is your policy in re on air potables?



Kevin Smith


PS – I just saw a news story where HHS, the people in charge of the Death Panels, is sending survey letters to predominantly Black and Latino zip codes requesting some minority feedback on Medicare tontines. Each of the letters contains 2 one dollar bills. I hope nobody tells Uncle Wong, our increasingly unfriendly Chinese lender. That’s why I can’t write fiction.